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June 2006
Best sci-fi isn’t always about lightsaber fights
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
I enjoy reading your column and I noticed you haven’t commented before on science fiction films. My top five would be “Star Wars,” “2001: A Space Odyssey,” “The Matrix,” “Blade Runner” and “Gattaca.”
So, all-knowing movie sage, how did I do?
KEVIN WAGNER, Palm Beach Gardens, Fla.
Dear HAL,
You did better than Steven Spielberg, who messed up “A.I.: Artificial Intelligence” by not having the robotic Haley Joel Osment sit for eternity, waiting for the Blue Fairy to actually do something.
You did better than John Travolta, who in his vast dunderheadedness made the truly awful “Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000.”
But I must say you left out from the tippy-top of your list some rather fine examples of cinematic sci-fi. If one must name a top five - and, clearly, that seems to be your game - I would offer the following as my own worthy list:
No. 1. “2001: A Space Odyssey.” You try making a modern-day film that has not a single word of dialogue in, like, the first 20 minutes.
No. 2. “Alien.” Scarier than “Aliens” and better made.
No. 3. “The Empire Strikes Back.” Thank Godard George Lucas didn’t direct.
No. 4. “Planet of the Apes.” Not the dumb, idiotic, ridiculous-ending version done by Tim Burton, but the definitive Charlton “It’s a madhouse!” Heston spectacular.
No. 5. “Metropolis.” One of the best silent films ever.
Next in line (but not in order): “King Kong” (the original), “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” “Gojira,” “Blade Runner,” “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial,” “The Terminator,” “Star Wars,” “Return of the Jedi,” “Starship Troopers,” “Dark City,” “The Matrix” and “Jason and the Argonauts.”
Because I like them (and still not in order): “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” (both versions), “The Time Machine” (the original), “Starman,” “Time After Time,” “Altered States,” “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan,” “The Thing” (both versions), “Videodrome,” “WarGames,” “Aliens,” “Predator,” “They Live,” “Tremors,” “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” and “Independence Day.”
And let’s not forget: “Sleeper,” “Close Encounters of the Third Kind,” “Escape From New York,” “Back to the Future,” “Brazil,” “Lifeforce,” “Akira,” “The Abyss,” “Jurassic Park” and “Men in Black.”
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Superman Returns” shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Love your column. It’s become a weekly must-read. That said, I am compelled to pick a cinematic bone with you.
In a recent column, you cited “The Deer Hunter” as a great film. It is one of my personal missions to debunk this myth whenever necessary. “The Deer Hunter” is easily the most overrated and inexplicaable best picture winner this side of “Shakespeare in Love” and “Crash.” It’s no great film, only pretentious, tedious, faux-Hemingway clap-trap. The Vietnam as national self-destruction metaphor of Russian roulette could simply not be more obvious.
But aside from that, keep up the great work.
TOM BAKER, Sandy Springs
Dear Mau!!
You might not realize this, but his is Accuracy Week at The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. And I feel so strongly about accuracy that I must call into question something I read earlier in the week in my very own newspaper.
It was a story that mentioned Beyonce Knowles and described her as a “singer” and “actress.” I can attest to the former but must take issue with the latter. Miss Knowles may be a movie star, but she is certainly no actress. You need proof? “Austin Powers in Goldmember,” “The Fighting Temptations” and “The Pink Panther.” I rest my case.
As for “The Deer Hunter,” let me first say that my remarks involved the context of seeing said film with a theater audience.
The first time I saw “The Deer Hunter,” those there with me were radically affected, especially by the intense captivity scenes including the gunplay you so readily mention. One young man sitting near me was so distressed he put his head down below his knees.
If for no other reason that that, “The Deer Hunter” is one of the great movies. Its impact is forceful and deliberate.
And, clearly, you’ve never seen “The Greatest Show on Earth,” which is the absolute worst movie ever to be named Oscar’s best picture.
ALAN
P.S. You get a pair of “Big Momma’s House 2” panties (and trust me, they are big) and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to ever request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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Be sure to watch these before your first toga party
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
This fall, I’m headed to college, and can you believe I’ve never seen a movie about college life?
Could you please recommend some classic college movies for me to have a look at before I kiss Mom and Dad goodbye in August?
Catherine Butsch, Atlanta
Dear Rising Freshman,
Oh, how I recall chillin’ at the cribus maximus whilst my young charges, D.W. and Cecil B., pursued learning of the higher kind.
I am sure, my little Catherine, that your parents will miss you ever so greatly as I know I do my own formerly wee sons.
But with that said, please understand that while you will experience the joy and wonderment of a new place, dear old Mom and Pop will be at home worrying about you and loving you, but still ultimately shouting, “Freedom!”
I am not sure how you have spent a young life to date without ever seeing a movie involving college. What in the name of Godard have you been doing with your time? Studying?
You have a lot of catching up to do and, thankfully, plenty of time to cram before fall.
On your absolute-must list: “Animal House.”
It is no accident that there is but one film on your absolute-must list. That is because there is no film as important, as vital, as illustrative, as meaningful … well, you get the idea.
On your must list: “Good Will Hunting,” “Wonder Boys,” “Breaking Away,” “Love Story,” “The Paper Chase,” “School Daze,” “Revenge of the Nerds” and “Scream 2.”
On your interesting-but-not-essential list: “Abandon,” “Horse Feathers,” “Hoop Dreams,” “Rudy,” “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?,” “Van Wilder,” “The Rules of Attraction,” “PCU,” “Higher Learning” and “Drumline.”
On your see-it-at-your-own-risk list: “Mona Lisa Smile,” “One on One,” “Legally Blonde,” “Threesome” and “From Justin to Kelly.”
Once you have completed all of those, Catherine, you should be prepared to absorb the truth and knowledge in the most important college film of our time - “The Graduate.”
Alan
P.S. You get a “Strangers With Candy” bag of candy and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
“Lucky Number Slevin.” Why did this good movie (in my humble opinion) disappear from first-run houses in short order and arrive at the dollar shows in just a few weeks?
Christopher J. Edwards, Kettering, Ohio
Dear Easily Impressed,
Let me first say that I am all about admiring and supporting anyone in their personal choices, especially when it comes to movies. It’s a big world out there, and there are all kinds of films and all kinds of people. One only hopes that all of us find the movies that enlighten, inspire, and fulfill our hopes, dreams and wishes.
Now, with all that said and understood and underlined, let me say this, Chris: “Lucky Number Slevin” is, at best, a wannabe movie. It wants to be smart, edgy, daring, complicated, and, sadly, it rarely attains any of its own ambitions.
Now there are plenty of movies much worse than “Slevin” that hang out at the megaplex for weeks, and they are just insipidly bad movies that, for some odd reason, many people go to see.
You couldn’t pay me to suffer “Derailed” again.
But there are plenty of movies that beat “Slevin” at its own game. For starters, try these: “L.A. Confidential,” “The Usual Suspects,” “The Grifters,” “Sexy Beast,” “The Big Sleep,” “The Maltese Falcon” and “The Late Show.”
See all those, Chris, and I sense you’ll know why “Slevin” didn’t hang around too long.
If not, then, well, sorry but I simply cannot help you.
Alan
P.S. You get a “Superman Returns” shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Do you know a film that came out within the past decade about a bald teenage male who lives in Iceland or Greenland in which there is an avalanche and everyone in his village but him is killed?
Griffith Graham, Smyrna
Dear Iceland Cometh,
Wouldn’t life be dull without odd queries that seem purposeless but are posed anyway?
But, then again, my purpose is to serve. To provide comfort and truth to those who ache.
And so I will tell you that you speak of “Noi,” the 2003 film from Iceland available in this land on DVD. Its original title is “Noi Albinoi,” which translates to Noi the albino.
Alan
P.S. You get a “Cars” road atlas and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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With wheels this hot, Vin Diesel is optional
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Sure, it doesn’t star Vin Diesel or Tyrese or — thank you, [spiritual figurehead of Christianity] — Paul Walker, either. But “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” has everything else that makes the series worth a look: pimped-out muscle cars, wild chases, crashes with fireballs and Japanese hotties wearing dresses smaller than a cocktail napkin.
Before it heads to Tokyo, “Drift” kicks off in Arizona, where high schooler Sean (Lucas Black) is getting in trouble like he always does: behind the wheel. Sean looks like a kid who’s been held back a few years since Black is 23 and looks about 30. But I guess you don’t go expecting realism in a movie where cars race through Tokyo at 197 mph without mowing down even ONE of the 9 gazillion people who live there.
Sean winds up in Tokyo after he totals his car and a couple of half-built houses in a new development when some rich-kid jockstrap challenges him to a race. And Sean’s kinda hot mom — worn out from moving to a new town every time he gets busted — gets all flirty with the cop who wants to rip up Sean’s license and lock him up for a few years. She sends him to live with his strict Army dad in Sushi-Land. And Dad is all, “I don’t want to see or hear about you anywhere near a car.”
You’re in the wrong movie, pops.
On his very first day in Tokyo, Sean makes pals with Twinkie (Bow Wow), a kid who hustles iPods, cellphones and computers. I guess Japan doesn’t have enough street-smart black-kid stereotypes. Twinkie takes Sean to a parking garage jammed with souped-up cars and little Asian girls who are almost as fast.
Sean takes a shine to Neela (Nathalie Kelley), but wouldn’t you know, she’s the girlfriend of D.K. (Brian Tee), this small-time mafia guy with a face that looks like somebody smashed it flat with a shovel. And D.K. gets up in Sean’s grille, because you know I had to write “gets up in Sean’s grille” somewhere when I’m writing about a movie like this, because that is the sort of thing they pay me for here.
D.K. challenges Sean to race, and D.K.’s pal Han (Sung Kang) lends Sean his own car. And Sean immediately turns it into a heap of scrap metal that only sorta-kinda looks like it ever saw a road. And you are wondering, “Why do I give a [poop] about all this [poop], Ray — tell me about the cars and the chases and the wrecks already, for the love of [spiritual figurehead of Christianity].”
A. The cars are awesome — Silvia S-15s, Mitsubishi EVOs and Nissan Fairlady 350Zs (the ride of choice for the [anuses] in D.K.’s gang).
B. The chases are awesome, especially this three-car race through the way-crowded streets of the city. C. The wrecks are awesome. OK?
Like you care, but the movie is mainly about Sean learning to master the tight-turn sideways-glide maneuver called drifting. What I wanted to know is, how did he learn overnight how to drive behind a right-hand steering wheel and on the wrong side of the road like they do in Tokyo? Me, I’d probably wreck just going 20 mph on a country road, what with everything turned around backward like that.
This movie has almost zip to do with the first two “Fast/Furious” flicks, but Black is a BIG improvement over Paul “Ken Doll” Walker. With that mud-and-bourbon Alabama accent, he actually comes off like somebody who could race a car and not crash it from always staring at his pretty-boy reflection in the rearview.
For that extra dose of coolness, martial arts movie god Sonny Chiba turns up as D.K.’s uncle, a yazuka bigwig who’s a whole lot more dangerous than any out-of-control car. (He’s the guy who whipped Uma Thurman into fighting shape in the first “Kill Bill.”)
Oh, and when I said the movie has almost zip to do with the first two movies? Well, there’s a cameo at the end from Vin Diesel.
And, I mean, that’s the least he can do, since the original “Fast and the Furious” launched the career he managed to deep-six in record time. Turning up in this sequel feels like Vin’s way of saying, “Please forgive me for ‘The Chronicles of Riddick’ and ‘A Man Apart’ and ‘xXx’ and ‘The Pacifier,’ and especially for wearing a dead cat on my head and trying to ‘act’ in that courtroom flick Find Me Guilty’” — am I right?
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Another reason to be proud if you’re Italian
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Fifteen years ago, when I was but a young teen, my friends and I watched an old horror movie. I believe it had “Sabbath” or “Sunday” in the title. It was a film with three or four short stories to it, including one with a truly terrifying old woman with strange eyes. Also, it appeared to be made in the ’50s or ’60s. I remember my friend’s father telling us he used to watch it when he was young.
I know this isn’t a great deal to go on, but I would really appreciate help.
Jennifer Maxwell, Douglasville
Dear Principessa,
What would we ever do without risotto and fried squash blossoms? And San Marzano tomatoes? And “Big Night” and spaghetti Westerns and Fellini and that fairly bright Renaissance fellow whose paintings and inventions somehow got twisted into “The Da Vinci Code”?
Oh, Jennifer, how I do love Italy.
Where I am going with all this - and trust me, Jen, because there is a pertinent destination - is that Italia is also home to many great vampire and horror movies. Which brings us to “Black Sabbath” (aka “I Tre Volti Della Paura”), the 1963 film from the great Mario Bava featuring Boris Karloff and others and, in my estimation, the apparent subject of your inquisition.
You see, this film is in three parts, and one part involves a deceased psychic whose face, as it is so eloquently described at Monsterhunter.coldfusionvideo.com, “is contorted into a hideously gross grin and her eyes are wide open.”
Also, Jen, you have good taste. Quentin Tarantino is a big fan of “Black Sabbath.”
Alan
P.S. You get a “Superman Returns” cap and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
My stepson knows I like “Pink Panther” movies, but he loves me anyway. So he gave me a boxed set as a present. In none of the DVDs, however, was my favorite scene: Inspector Clouseau with his “minkey” helping the bank robbers escape. What movie was that in, and why wouldn’t it have been included in the set?
D.L. Stewart, Kettering, Ohio
Dear Inspector,
I have but one thing to say: “Ze minkey cannot panhandle here wissout a propere lessance!”
In other words, the movie where Inspector Clouseau is oblivious to a bank robbery behind him because he is obsessed with a performing monkey is 1975’s “The Return of the Pink Panther.”
That answers the first part of your question.
The second answer pertains to the only thing in Hollywood that means anything, that is the lifeblood of the movie industry and the very reason the place is packed with the devil’s spawn - M.O.N.E.Y.
It is, dear D.L., a financial dispute between companies that own rights to the various “Pink Panther” properties.
In other words, no pay, no play.
And you, sir, suffer the consequences of someone else’s greed.
Perhaps you should casually mention this newfound information in the presence of your kind stepson. Perhaps in the generosity of Father’s Day, he’ll see fit to enhance your “Pink Panther” collection.
Alan
P.S. You get a “Cars” shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
What is going on with the camera? We watched a movie on NBC called “10.5 Apocalypse” and we were suffering nausea and headaches. It felt like I was bungee jumping without having to leave my seat! The cameraman must have been trying a new approach with the zoom button, but quite frankly it was unnerving.
By the first 20 minutes, none of us was following the dialogue. We were totally focused on trying to stay focused.
Is this a new artistic form of filming? Will this be the “in” way to film movies now?
Sharon Keilhauer, Marietta
Dear Jumpy,
On the one hand, I am wondering how anyone could complain about a jittery camera when the movie is about a 10.5 earthquake!
On the other hand, I imagine your distaste involves the decision to make even the most routine conversation exciting and eventful by having the camera zoom in and out at will.
Know what, Sharon? That’s what you get for watching a TV movie.
Big-screen action movies are bad enough. But television?
Alan
P.S. You get a “Wordplay” book with crossword puzzles and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com* or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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They just don’t make Antichrists like they used to
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Man, I know Mia Farrow had a lousy experience with Woody and Soon-Yi. And it’s probably tough trying to be mom to all those 197 kids she adopted. So maybe that’s why she’s gone and lost her ever-loving mind.
I caught her doing this interview on CNN last week, talking about the remake of “The Omen” that she’s in. And she goes, “This movie is way better than the first one.”
See what I mean? She’s totally bat-[guano] crazy.
The new “Omen” is NOT better than the original. Line by line and shot by shot, it’s almost a Xerox copy — only without great actors like Gregory Peck and Lee Remick. And without that “Hail Satan” soundtrack that was scary enough to make you run to the nearest church and pray forgiveness for everything bad you ever did — including what happened in the Jacuzzi that New Year’s Eve when you were drunk and went a little too far with your ex-wife’s cousin Kandi. (Not that anything like that ever happened with me … I’m just saying by way of, you know, example.)
So anyway, I was totally looking forward to “The Omen.” If you’re a parent like me — and come on, don’t lie about it — you know there’s been times when your kid’s done something that makes you wonder, “Hmm, maybe he’s … THE ANTICHRIST?” (Sometimes it’s better to think the Devil’s to blame than to admit your kid’s just another spoiled brat.)
OK, so anyway, Robert Thorn (Liev Schreiber) is a junior ambassador working out of Rome (the one in Italy). His pregnant wife, Katherine (Julia Stiles), goes into labor, but when Robert gets there, the spooky Catholic doctor says the kid is dead — and could he possibly interest Robert in raising some Italian chick’s newborn baby as his own?
And Robert goes, “Okey-doke,” and doesn’t tell his wife about the swap. (He never seems to worry that the kid’s Italian, so the boy might grow up with a telltale unibrow or wave his hands a lot when he talks.)
You know the rest. The family moves to England. Little Damien turns 5. And people around the Thorns start to croak in splattery ways that are not-so-subtle hints for his slow-on-the-draw parents that their kid is a REAL little devil.
So why does this movie [inhale vigorously]? Well, I never thought I’d say this, but it’s waaaaay too faithful to the first one. Some scenes play exactly the same. The movie’s idea of a big update is to throw in cellphones or let Damien ride a scooter instead of a tricycle when he tries to murder his mom.
Wow, did you get goose bumps just hearing that? I sure didn’t!
Mainly, this is just a chance for the folks at Fox to make some quick bucks, and for David Seltzer — who wrote the scripts for both “Omens” — to double-dip in Satan’s piggy bank. Bottom line is, the movie’s a minute shorter than the 1976 flick, but it feels about twice as long.
Schreiber and Stiles — hey, you know, I like those actors. But not when they’re playing the wrong parts like they are here. (Stiles looks more like Damien’s big sis than his mom.)
Oh yeah, and the kid that plays Damien? Hope his folks put his paycheck in a college fund, ‘cause he doesn’t have a big movie career ahead. He spends the whole flick pouting and frowning at people, like, “Grrrr.” (Goose bumps yet? Nah, me neither.) Damien’s supposed to look like he’s thinking, “If thou makest me eateth all my peas and carrots, then I will smite thee.” But he just looks like he needs a double shot of Kiddie Ex-Lax, stat.
One good thing in the movie? She may be out of her mind, but Farrow rocks as the evil nanny, Mrs. Baylock, aka Murder Poppins. Near the end of the movie, she shows up at a hospital and tells a guard, “I’m the family nanny, here to spread a little cheer.” And, oh yeah, shove her employer six feet under, too!
Too bad the new hospital scene DOESN’T have that great moment from the first movie, when [redacted for spoilers] takes a swan dive out the window, smack onto an ambulance roof. But the other deaths in the new “Omen” are good enough to make you wish the rest of the movie was better. (They’re so good and messy, they made me think of some other snuff scenes I liked; check out the list at the end.)
For all its shots of rabid dogs and skull-face demons, the worst thing in “The Omen” is a shot near the start of the World Trade Center coming down. Using footage like that in a dumb movie like this is more evil than anything little Damien could ever think up — am I right?
These are a few of my splatter-fave things:
There’s two kinds of death scenes that I like the most.
The first is the splattery, gory kind. (I’m not even gonna mention the “Final Destination” flicks, because that’s all they’re about.)
The second is the kind of sudden death that takes you by surprise almost as much as it does the poor sucker who ends up eating dirt.
Here’s some of my faves. I’m probably forgetting lots of good ones, so send me yours at jpurlky@ajc.com
Gross me out …
“Scanners” (1981). Best. Exploding. Head. Ever.
“Wrong Turn” (2003). Hillbilly cannibals! And there’s an excellently disgusting moment when a terrified girl meets a swinging ax, mouth-first.
“Anaconda” (1997). Jon Voight gets swallowed by the big snake, gets puked back up half-digested — and winks before he goes down the big guy’s throat again. (The sad news: J. Lo survives.)
“RoboCop” (1987). Recipe for an awesome splatter: Marinate a bad guy (Paul McCrane) in a vat of toxic goo that jelli-fies his skin. Remove bad guy from goo, and place in front of speeding car. Splat! Serve results with a spoon. Bon appetit!
“Dawn of the Dead” (1978). Gore-makeup wizard Tom Savini plays a biker dude who gets his intestines yanked out by zombies, who wolf ‘em down like finger-linguine. “Fargo” (1996). Because wood chippers can chip more than just wood. “Jaws” (1975). A little boy. A rubber raft. And one hellacious fountain of blood.
“Alien” (1979). Worst stomachache in movie history. So unexpected, it could belong in the next category …
Surprise! You’re dead!
“L.A. Confidential” (1997). It’s not how, but how unexpectedly one of the stars dies. (There’s a scene a lot like it in “Minority Report” five years later, but this one’s better.) “Pulp Fiction” (1994). A bump in the road and a cocked gun cause a bloody mess in the back of Vince and Jules’ car. “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre” (1974). Guy wanders inside creepy old house. Metal door flies open, out comes Leatherface with a sledgehammer, and the dude is dead before he knows what hit him. Like, literally.
“Psycho” (1960). Janet Leigh’s shower scene is still the Mount Everest of “gotcha” murders. The detective-on-the-stairs scene is a close runner-up.
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Section would be thin if we stuck just to great films
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Please explain why Atlanta Journal-Constitution reviewers (not you) go to such great lengths in “covering” what they consider to be C and D movies? Latest example: “The Break-Up,” graded C-. Wouldn’t a one-paragraph item in classifieds be more appropriate so that laudatory films can get their just due?
Ross Tucker, Woodstock
Dear Jen Hater,
Let’s play editor.
Your mission, Ross, should you decide to accept it, is to generate an interesting, viable and topical movie section based off the following same-day openings: the aforementioned “The Break-Up,” starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn (which ultimately finished No. 1 at the boxoffice); “District B13,” a small, all-nonsense French action film made two years ago and in French; and “Drawing Restraint 9,” an ultra-art film featuring an artist with unfathomable artistic vision and a woman whose Oscar dress was, literally, a big swan.
OK. Go!
Hurry, Ross, because the movie section will self-destruct in 15 seconds if you don’t settle on a game plan.
Actually, Ross, I think you see where we’re going here.
Beyond, “The Break-Up” - and the celebrity baggage that comes with the particular stars of that film - there wasn’t much else to draw attention to.
And sometimes it’s important for a film critic to speak the truth loudly about a film that’s being marketed to the public as a traditional romantic comedy - when it’s actually a dark, dark, dark comedy.
You see, critics need to warn moviegoers, too. And sometimes a movie can be such a sensational car wreck (psst, we’re talking about “Gigli” now) that it demands to be displayed prominently.
What I do like is that, despite the ever-turbulent, completely unimportant swirl of celebrity and Hollywood bombast, the AJC found it important in the past couple of years to take noticeable looks at quality, if not particularly commercial, movies like “Millions,” “The Return,” “The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada,” “Hustle & Flow,” “Look at Me,” “Chrystal,” “Moolaade,” “Junebug,” “The Untold Story of Emmett Louis Till,” “Nobody Knows,” “Grizzly Man” and “Downfall.” Just to name a few.
Alan
P.S. You get an “M:I:III” pin and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
As far as I know, there have been only two couples in which both man and wife have won Oscars for best acting: Vivien Leigh/Laurence Olivier and Joanne Woodward/Paul Newman. Of interests to Georgians: Leigh played Scarlett O’Hara, by far the most widely known characters in a film about Georgia. Woodward was born in Georgia.
George L. Kelly, Atlanta
Dear Fiddle-Dee-Dee,
What? You think kicked-to-the-curb Chad Lowe is not planning revenge on Hilary Swank by taking home a couple of top-dog trophies himself?
And maybe they lack a ring, but can you honestly not count Susan Sarandon (best actress for “Dead Man Walking”) and Tim Robbins (best supporting actor for “Mystic River”)?
But, regardless, worry not. I have already composed your esteemed letter of apology to Michael Douglas (best actor for “Wall Street”) and Catherine Zeta-Jones (best supporting actress for “Chicago”).
It merely awaits your signature and a stamp.
Alan
P.S. You get a “Poseidon” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
I saw a fascinating movie on Turner Classic Movies and have been unable to find it. It was called “Running Man” or something like that and was a harrowing tale of a European or American man running through the African bush pursued by natives. Can you help? When I look for “Running Man,” I find only a Schwarzenegger movie.
Another all-time favorite that is very realistic is “The Battle of Algiers.” Can you recommend others like this? “City of God” springs to mind.
Michael Dubus, Chamblee
Dear Running Scared,
Your movie is “The Naked Prey” (1966), starring Cornel Wilde, who also directed.
I, too, am a big fan of “The Battle of Algiers” (1966), a brilliant film about the Algerian revolt over French occupation. Ditto “City of God.”
A few similarly styled documentaryesque movies I highly recommend: “United 93,” “Series 7: The Contenders” and “Paths of Glory.”
Alan
P.S. You get a “Gory Road” shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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Mutants, babes, battles — ‘X’ factor still rules
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Gee, I don’t know why all the fanboys got so worked up over Brett Ratner directing the third “X-Men” movie after Bryan Singer flew off to Australia to do his Superman thing.
Sure, Singer did some great flicks, like “The Usual Suspects” and the first two “X-Men” movies.
But come on! Ratner made “The Family Man” and “Red Dragon” and “After the Sunset” — you know, the Pierce Brosnan flick that you couldn’t pay me to see even though Salma “Hello!” Hayek was in it.
Oh, yeah — that’s why the fanboys were worked up.
But the good news is Ratner hasn’t totally [engaged in sexual intimacy with] the series. Sure, “X-Men: The Last Stand” jumps around too much. And there’s mistakes I haven’t seen since cheapie flicks from the ’70s — like when a scene in San Francisco Bay goes from daylight to pitch black in two seconds flat. (Maybe I missed a powerful new mutant called the Clapper: “Clap on! Clap off!”)
Anyway, “Last Stand” starts off pretty much where the last one finished. Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) sacrificed her own life to save the other X-ies, and Cyclops (James Marsden) and Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) don’t have to compete for her attention anymore — though Wolvie does get up in Cyc’s grill about mourning too long over her.
Actually there’s a lot of grill-getting-up-into scenes in “Last Stand.” Most of them go down between Wolverine and Storm (Halle Berry), ‘cause she’s always in his face asking him where his loyalties are over and over again. I wouldn’t’ve blamed him if he’d let his claws go “snikt” and turned her into a Storm-kebab.
Like the first two films, the main plot has to do with the mutants fighting for their own rights against the “normal” human population. A big chemical company has found a “cure” for … mutancy? mutantism? Whatever it’s called, there’s this kid with antibodies that neutralize the X-gene, and he’s played by that creepy kid that’s in every movie these days. [Editor’s note: Cameron Bright.] And the government encourages mutants to take the cure.
But ol’ metal-bender Magneto (Ian McKellen) is all, Oh hell no. And he leads his brotherhood of mutant malcontents to San Francisco to snuff the kid, who’s locked up inside Alcatraz. And Magneto’s got some muscle with him, not just Juggernaut (Vinnie Jones), but also Dark Phoenix — aka Jean Grey, who comes back from the dead with crazy telepathic skills like Carrie at the prom. (Come to think of it, her red hair is about the color of pig’s blood.)
At first, she seems like the old Jean. But then she tries to jump Wolverine’s bones, and he knows something is way wrong — especially when she whips his belt off just using her mind.
When she joins up with Magneto, it’s up to the nice-guy X-ies — yeah, again — to go and save all the boring humans. But along the way, Dark Phoenix zaps a couple of them into the great beyond. These are technically known as my-three-film-contract-with-Fox-is-over-so-kill-me-please death scenes. (I was expecting Halle Berry to wave a red flag and scream “Yoo hoo!” to get Jean’s attention, since I heard she’s wanted out of the series for years.)
There’s a couple of great scenes, like when Magneto goes to rescue Mystique (Rebecca Romijn-soon-to-be-Purlky) from an armored convoy, and he squashes the cars like they’re empty Buds. And I liked when Jean goes big-[posterior] nuts early on in the movie and starts to send her childhood home up and away to the land of Oz.
What I didn’t like? That the Beast (Kelsey Grammer) didn’t get enough to do until the last act. Neither does Rogue (Anna Paquin), who spends her time worrying that her boyfriend is getting the hots for walk-through-walls chick Kitty (Ellen Page). Rogue is a mopefest on feet, saying stuff like, “I can’t touch my boyfriend without killing him. Otherwise, I’m fine.” Boo-[fornicating]-hoo. One visit to a “relationship-enhancingâ€? store like Southern Nights or Inserection, and I’m sure she’d find a creative solution to her problem.
Oh, another thing that bugged me? Why does the movie show Angel (Ben Foster) at the beginning but then forget about him till he gets to rescue exactly one (1!) human during the big battle?
And am I the only one who thought Wolverine was an idiot for getting spooked off by Jean’s horny mack-attack?
And one last thing. The scene where Mystique’s blue scales disappear, and she’s lying naked on the floor? Why in the world does it have to be the ONE time in the whole movie series where Miss Romijn-soon-to-be-Purlky is shy about showing off her, um, attributes — am I right?
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If only we didn’t approach movies like fast food
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
I have read “The Da Vinci Code” twice and the other Dan Brown books. I have recently seen the movie with Tom Hanks. My opinion? Hanks is miscast.
Incidentally, the other Dan Brown books are as thrilling, if not more so, than “Da Vinci Code.” Each is spellbinding. I couldn’t put the book down.
Jack Segal, Marietta
Dear Who Asked You Anyway?
I agree with you in at least one respect. I couldn’t put the book down either - but only because I had to finish it. In my profession, there is no way to properly assess a movie based on an ultrapopular book without reading that tome. No matter how much I didn’t want to.
So many critics dumped on the movie version of “Da Vinci Code,” and I’m not sure why.
Since I had read the book and knew all the codes, the movie did bore me. But there is so much more unforgivable tripe out there in theaters.
Something tells me that too many critics are too bothered so see junk like “Basic Instinct 2,” “Annapolis,” “Ultraviolet” and “Stay Alive.” If they did, then they’d really know what bad was.
“Da Vinci Code” is a middling movie. If you haven’t read the book, there’s a chance you might find the film intriguing.
The problem for the rest of us is, or I should say the problem should be, that once you know the codes, you realize the characters simply have no depth. They are merely vessels for theological babble.
Can you really fault Tom Hanks for being boring when his character is boring? What’s more egregious in “Da Vinci Code” is the length of his hair.
Anyway, my biggest problem with “Da Vinci Code” is not the movie or critics or Tom Hanks. It’s that today’s moviegoers seem to support mostly known entities. We eat at McDonald’s. Shop at Wal-Mart. And go see movie sequels, remakes and cultural phenomenon we all already know all about.
Give me a surprise once in a while. I want to be gobsmacked. Like when I first saw “City of God,” “Hustle & Flow” or “American Splendor.”
What’s really sad is how an interesting, solid, character-rich drama like last year’s “Forty Shades of Blue” with Rip Torn and a mesmerizing performance by the virtually unknown Russian actress Dina Lorzun got overlooked.
“Blue” won the Sundance Film Festival and promptly sank from sight.
Trust me, it’s the best 2005 movie nobody saw. And it eats “Da Vinci Code’s” lunch.
Alan
P.S. You get a “The Fly” fly swatter and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
The other day I was educating my 5-year-old son on some of the finer movies of our time. So I pulled out the first and original “Star Wars” movie. While we were watching it together, it suddenly dawned on me that it’s nothing more than a Japanese samurai movie, just retold. (Jedi knights = samurai warriors, and light sabers = swords.) Which begs the question: How did George Lucas get away with it, and what movie did he base his on?
Chris Montroy, Snellville
Dear Where Have You Been?
George Lucas has never hidden his affection for samurai films, especially the works of the great Akira Kurosawa. His “Star Wars” was heavily influenced by Kurosawa’s “Hidden Fortress,” which among other characters, includes two often funny thieves trapped among events happening around them. Much of the film comes from their point of view. And Lucas has always talked about how they were the inspiration for his film’s beloved robots.
Since you are educating your young son, be sure to instruct him that creativity is, in part, a result of one’s experiences.
Yes, “Star Wars” is very much like a samurai film. And a 1940s sci-fi serial. And a Western.
Rest assured, the sum is far greater than all its parts.
Alan
P.S. You get a “Snakes on a Plane” poster and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt. Plus a child’s “Smithee” T-shirt for your won to wear with honor.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Are people just so numbed out/dumbed down that they don’t think twice about having to pay to see all those “TV” commercials being shown before the movie previews begin?
Kimberly Bratton, Atlanta
Dear Perplexed,
Yes.
Alan
P.S. You get a “Last Holiday” apron and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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