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Any year with a ‘Jackass’ flick can’t be all bad
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yep, it’s that time of year again when you wonder how you managed to put on 10 pounds and paid what it costs to get a gym membership to see a whole lot of bad movies.
Well, some of the flicks were OK. And some were AMAZING (hello, “Jackass: Number Two”)!
Here’s how 2006 stacked up for me:
Stupidest trend in Hollywood (1): Horror films that are rated PG-13. Like “When a Stranger Calls,” “Pulse,” “The Grudge 2,” “Stay Alive” and “An American Haunting.”
Come on, you greedy Hollywood studio people! Sure, I know you want to steal teenage boys’ allowance money. But you’re depriving the rest of us moviegoers of good-and-gory R-rated stuff!
Thank God there were a few hard-core goodies this year. Like “The Hills Have Eyes” and “Final Destination 3” and “Hostel,” and the goriest horror movie EVER that wasn’t supposed to be a horror movie, “Apocalypto.”
If you ask me, Mel Gibson could make his best, goriest movie ever if he’d do something like “Alien vs. Predator.” How about “Jesus and Braveheart vs. the Mayas”? I’d be at the box office on the very first day!
Stupidest trend in Hollywood (2): Enough with the remakes of Japanese “horror” movies that weren’t so scary to begin with. OK?
And speaking of J-horror: Note to Hollywood: NO MORE CREEPY LITTLE LONG-HAIRED GIRLS IN 2007, OK??? (And, yeah, that includes Dakota Fanning.)
Big hype, bad box office, but still worth a look: You can’t go wrong with Sam Jackson cursing out a cargo load of vipers in “Snakes on a Plane.”
Best reason to wear two sets of underwear: “The Descent,” a movie that probably left the most [urine] stains on theater seats in the history of scary movies.
Proof that even somebody as ugly and untalented as YOU can be a leading man: Zach Braff in “The Last Kiss.”
Best reason to cut down on fast food: The awesome death-by-fan-blade-at-the-drive-through scene in “Final Destination 3.”
You can tell it was based on a bedtime story because it put everybody to sleep: “Lady in the Water.” Somebody should’ve water-boarded M. Night Shyamalan until he came up with a better movie.
Movies that remind you what a great country the US and A is: “United 93,” “Jackass: Number Two,” “World Trade Center” and “Borat.”
Best wig of the year: Kevin Spacey’s, playing Lex Luthor in the five-hour snoozathon called “Superman Returns.”
Worst wig of the year: The thing glued on Nic Cage’s head in “The Wicker Man.” Oh, and it was one of the worst movies of the year, too.
Proof that a really good story can survive the hackiest director: “X-Men: The Last Stand,” directed by Brett “No Neck” Ratner.
Proof you can be going bald and still be a kick-[buttocks] action star: Jason Statham in the awesome “Crank,” where the stunts were great AND he got to [be sexually intimate with] Amy Smart in the middle of Chinatown!
Best use of leather in a movie: Kate Beckinsale’s super-tight outfit in “Underworld: Evolution.”
Nice work if you can get it: David Seltzer got paid a second time for adding cellphones and revamping a few lines to his 1976 script for the remake of “The Omen.” And the first one was still a whole lot better.
I’m glad they call me the B-movie king, because I didn’t have to see: “All the King’s Men,” “A Good Year” and “The Good Shepherd” (because even if it is good, “Shepherd” is three hours long, and that is three hours too long — unless there are hobbits in it).
Most hilarious work by somebody nobody even knew WAS funny: John C. Reilly, in “Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby,” who gave this very special speech: “I like to think of Jesus, like, with giant eagle’s wings, and singin’ lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with, like, an angel band, and I’m in the front row and I’m hammered drunk!”
That’s the kind of beautiful dialogue we go to movies for in the first place — am I right?
Permalink | Comments (1) | Categories: The 'B' Movie King
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By Gwinnettian4life
January 5, 2007 6:16 PM | Link to this
How could you leave out the so good it’s bad babes and beaches flick Turistas? A movie you need only see for the first 45 minutes.