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February 2007
Oscars: What a mess
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hollywood — My gal pal, Helen Mirren did the most sensible thing of anybody at the 79th annual Academy Awards. She brought a drink to the backstage print interview room. A vodka Gimlet to be exact.
Who could blame her. As the way-out-front best actress frontrunner for “The Queen,” if she had lost she would have been even more embarrassed than Eddie Murphy.
It was the first time in months that Mirren actually seemed like herself. I had grown tired of her latest performance - appreciative actress for all the various awards attention and jolly-good responsible Brit in the wake of portraying Queen Elizabeth II.
Oh, but to be an expected loser and be allowed to act normal at this ubercelebration. “Little Children” actress nominee Kate Winslet’s most memorable quote on the red carpet was to look back and give a little shout out to Helen McCrory (“The Queen”). Winslet intoned, ahem, “nice (mammaries)!”
After the red carpet, I sat backstage through the whole Oscar show mess - is it Thursday yet? It feels like it - and it feels like Hollywood is bombarding us with its idea of what we want even sometimes when we don’t want it.
I’m thankful that “The Departed” won best picture only because it is the only movie in the top five that had any real semblance of major public acceptance at the box office.
I’m thankful Forest Whitaker (“The Last King of Scotland”) and Jennifer Hudson (“Dreamgirls”) won because they deserved Hollywood’s highest honors.
But I heard dressed-up presenters call out movies as Oscar winners - like “Babel,” “Letters From Iwo Jima” - when they’ve had hardly any moviegoing attention at all.
For sure, I’ve heard the word that everyone’s repeated here over and over again — globalization.
“Cinema is the language of the world,” German director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck (“The Lives of Others”) spouted on the red carpet during a pre-show foreign-language film photo op.
Everybody talked of Mexican directors and a certain Japanese actress (nominee Rinko Kikuchi of “Babel”) and diversity and a smaller world.
Like former studio exec Sherry Lansing backstage at the ceremony: “We are becoming a global industry and if you become a global industry, then you appeal to everybody.”
That’s wonderful and it really is all good and great. The Mexican directors who were nominated in various categories - Guillermo del Toro (“Pan’s Labyrinth”), Alfonso Cuaron “Children of Men” and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (“Babel”) — are first-rate. But as my good “Die Hard” friend John McClane might say, “Welcome to the exploitation party, pal.”
Hollywood has a habit of latching onto trends and turning them inside out. Anybody remember 3-D?
A whole bunch of studios are going to want subtitles now, whether it’s integral to the story or not. “Anaconda: The Chase for the Scandinavian Pearl.” Why not?
And why is it that in its unpredictableness, the Oscar show is so easily predictable.
I didn’t put it in my Oscar picks, but I should have known the politically left-leaning academy would vote for Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth.”
Here’s what they think: Let’s send a message to the world. Doesn’t matter that the film they chose, no matter how important the message, is more of a science class than documentary as art.
But that’s what these Oscars are. They’re subjective. And the smartest thing the academy does is that they put themselves on the highest pedestal.
They make the event hard to get into. They make just about everybody who comes wear a gown or a tux. They ignore the concept of a time limit (this show went well past midnight). And, except for a token category here and there, they snub their collective noses at the movies everybody goes to see: “Casino Royale,” “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” and “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.”
It’s enough to make anybody ask Helen Mirren for a sip of her drink.
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View from behind the scenes
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hollywood — The Oscars are about glamour and egos, box office, talent and hoping everyone cares you were there. Here’s my esteemed, if not profoundly perceptive, view from the red carpet and behind the scenes:
Jennifer Hudson wore multiple dresses at the Oscars, the last one being a gold dress in the interview room that shimmered as much as her best supporting actress trophy. Post-Oscars, she said she was heading to the Vanity Fair party and the Governor’s Ball but that she wouldn’t be out too late. At her hotel, she said she planned “to sit down and enjoy it myself.” And like most celebrities, she heard strange questions tossed her way. Like: What advice did she have for Britney Spears? “I don’t know what’s going on,” she said about reports involving Spears’ life, “and it ain’t my business.”
Kissing and telling
Best song winner Melissa Etheridge kissed her life partner and even backstage proclaimed the Oscars as a kind of “gay holiday.”
“It’s really meaningful that with Ellen [DeGeneres] or myself, there’s no token gay. There’s a whole mix of lots of kinds of diversity here.” Asked where she might place her new keepsake, she held her golden boy statuette in the interview room and said, “This is the only naked man that will be in my bedroom.”
My kind of girl:
Helen Mirren strolled into the print interview room flush from a best actress victory for “The Queen” and a couple of sips of alcohol. She was the only victor I saw who toted a drink backstage. A vodka Gimlet, she announced ever so regally to the inquiring press. She was gracious, kind and even rather queenly. But the seasoned actress with the skys-the-limit year (Emmys, Golden Globes and all sorts of awards falling from above) still knows how to halt a rather off-target press question. Asked if she thought her phone might ring with congratulations from the real-life Queen Elizabeth, Mirren chuckled and got right to the point: Im not expecting a call from Her Majesty. Not ever.
My kind of guy:
The night’s mild surprise winner, Alan Arkin for best supporting actor (“Little Miss Sunshine”) helped place the evening in perspective. The 72-year-old actor arrived in the interview room to a gaggle of reporters holding up numbered cards (the manner in which they are chosen by an academy staffer to ask questions). Arkin gazed at the sea of cards and said, “What? Are we auctioning something?” He was asked whether he thought the broad comedy “Norbit” might have created a problem for expected winner Eddie Murphy (“Dreamgirls”). “I don’t believe in furlongs,” he said. “I feel somewhat like a hypocrite. I don’t believe in competition with artists. This is insane.” A portion of his assessment as to why he won: “Everybody thinks I’m going to keel over, and they wanted to give me an award (before I go).”
The 20th time’s the charm?
This is graciousness and victory? The triumphant “Dreamgirls” sound-mixing team made Kevin O’Connell, a nominee for “Apocalypto” in that category, a 19-time loser. That’s right. O’Connell has been nominated a lot more years than that screaming Little Miss Sunshine, little Miss Abigail Breslin, has been alive. And O’Connell has never won. Backstage, the winners had encouraging words for O’Connell, saying he’ll have his due one day. Guess he needs to try an itty-bitty bit harder next time.
She knew him when
Longtime producer and movie mogul Sherry Lansing didn’t know until Sunday night who was going to present her with the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award — until she saw her beloved Tom Cruise onstage.
“I didn’t see Tom through all the pre-events, so I was sure it wasn’t him.” She saw him at a party and said he was even cold to her. So what was that secret he whispered to her onstage? Lansing says Cruise said: “This is an honor I really wanted to do and when I saw you at the party, I couldn’t say anything.” She says getting the award from him was an “emotional” moment. “I knew him when he was 19 years old. It brought back a flood of memories, going back to ‘Taps.’ “
At least she didn’t say “Cocktail.”
An animated winner
It’s always about the one you are with: Here’s Aussie name-dropper George Miller, the animated film winner for “Happy Feet,” playing footsie with the well-known.
“I didn’t expect to win” sitting next to John Lasseter (of Pixar’s “Cars”), he said. He also got to be photographed with Cameron Diaz, a moment he described as “really nice. [Only] when I’m standing next to George Clooney do I feel the intensity of the cameras like that.”
(BTW, Atlanta’s Giant Studios did the motion-capturing for “Happy Feet.”)
Red-carpet emissions test
Some stars can work the pre-Oscar red carpet. Some can’t. And some seem to be too stuckup. Here’s a rundown:
Pass: Will Smith. The man knows how to work a crowd. He points to fans in the grandstand. He smiles. He jokes.
Fail: Cameron Diaz. She ambled by the print press like she was at a beauty contest, waving and smiling — but refusing to stop and speak. We know Justin Timberlake is coping just fine.
Pass: John Travolta. Like always, he held a wide smile and looked happy to be talking, talking and talking.
Fail: Sally Kirkland. Who? Well, she’s a long-ago Oscar nominee, but now she just goes all weirdo to get attention. She shouted and twirled like a tornado in her yellow-orange-red-blue throw-up gown.
Pass: Jackie Earle Haley. How could anyone not celebrate with the first-time supporting actor nominee. He was ecstatic. “I feel awesome, weird. Nervous and happy.” Mind you, this was just an hour or so before he lost.
The First Shall Be Last
I wanted to note the first celebrity on the red carpet — and no, I’m not referring to entertainment “journalists” Mark McGrath, Pat O’Brien, Melissa Rivers or Mary Hart, who all hung out for a time to be noticed. Doug Jones (“Pan’s Labyrinth”), who plays two of the film’s charming and alarming creatures, was first in line to be interviewed. Hours later, he could still be seen in line talking to reporters, long after bigger stars had passed by.
My Favorite Red-Carpet Moment
Shouting, “Peter, you da man!” to faraway Peter O’Toole. My reward: a smile and a wink.
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Let the Oscars begin
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
For movie lovers and star watchers, it doesn’t get any better than Oscar night. Only a few more hours to go now.
Who do you think will take home an Oscar tonight? Who will be the big upset?
Foreign nominees: ‘It’s just lovely to be here’
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hollywood - The woman dashing across North Highland Avenue on Friday in her stylish cocktail dress and even more stylish black strap heels is going where I’m going. She’s Susanne Bier, the Danish director of “After The Wedding,” one of five nominees for this year’s foreign-language film Oscar.
To see a gallery of photos from the event, click here.
She’s going to lose, too. That’s not me being cruel. That’s what she says herself when we meet up later on the red carpet for what is merely one in a series of seemingly endless Academy Award photo ops. (Pssst, there’s another photo op Saturday morning when 50 young students from Inner-City Filmmakers will trot down the red carpet toting the Oscars that will be handed out on Sunday.) “I can’t be optimistic,” Susanne says about her Oscar chances. Neither is Deepa Mehta, the India-born director of the nominated “Water.” She and I are reminiscing about her visit to Atlanta last year and our lunch of delectable fish. She says she’s not going to win either. “I’m a realist,” she says with a smile. “It’s just lovely to be here.” The nominee deflating everyone’s ego is Guillermo del Toro who made “Pan’s Labyrinth,” which is nominated not only for foreign-language film but also for five other Oscars. He’s standing on the far end of the red carpet and being swarmed by what seems like 50 reporters and photographers. You think he doesn’t know what the Oscars are all about? I ask him where he and his fellow Mexican filmmakers and nominees Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (“Babel”) and Alfonso Cuaron (“Children of Men”) will be partying while in Los Angeles. “Wherever it’s free,” he says with a big smile. “Free booze? We’re there!” The foreign-language competitors, joined by another nominee, Germany’s Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck (“The Lives of Others”), pose with a giant Oscar statue. An academy official encourages the nominees to “sit on the Oscar; play with it.” They hoist it aloft together and the media’s digital cameras click en mass. The press buzzes around like busy bees, their steps making a squish-squish sound because the red carpet is covered in plastic and it rained last night. They interview the directors. They talk to a few of the various films’ stars - Mads Mikkelsen (“After the Wedding” and James Bond’s most recent adversary) and Maribel Verdu and Ivana Baquero (“Pan’s Labyrinth”) — who’ve also shown up. The press interviews each other. I am not making this up, One American TV reporter hoists his microphone into the face of a Danish TV reporter and says, “Klaus, how does it feel being a part of the international press covering the Oscars?” I can’t delay myself to learn Klaus’ monumental answer. I’ve got to rush over to inquire what Deepa will be wearing Sunday night. She beams. “A sari.”
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Are two ‘Dreamgirls’ Effies better than one?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hollywood — While Oscar contender Jennifer Hudson and Tony winner Jennifer Holliday will be in Atlanta a day apart in March to perform at events, both will be strutting the red carpet here on Sunday for the Academy Awards show — and mere hours apart.
Holliday will sing “And I am Telling You, I’m Not Going” during E! Television’s red carpet broadcast. Last word from E! was that it was expected to occur after 3 p.m. Sunday EST. Hudson, of course, is the frontrunner to win the Academy Award for best supporting actress for “Dreamgirls” as Effie White, the role Holliday originated on Broadway.
In an odd twist of fate, “American Idol” host Ryan Seacrest will introduce Holliday. “Idol,” as you will recall, was the show that shoved Hudson to the curb. Perhaps prematurely.
Hudson is expected to perform March 11 at a local music fundraiser at the Georgia Aquarium. Holliday is set to perform at the Ferst Center for the Arts on March 10. She’ll return in July to reprise her “Dreamgirls” role at the Fox Theatre.
At first, I thought Holliday had the upper hand in performing as Effie. Now I think Hudson’s version is almost as good and I appreciate both performers.
How about you?
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Oscar ads
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The general assumption is, the Oscars are the equivalent of the Super Bowl for women. That is, as much time and money is spent on the ads, but they’re targeted more at women. Has anyone noticed this in the past? And do you agree that more women are interested in the Oscars than men? I’m going to pay special attention this year.
I’d also like to set up a betting pool (not sure yet of the prize). But….how many Oscars will actually be given out by 9 pm? the show starts at 8 and I’m predicting that, one hour in, only 3 awards will have been announced. They have to put in some red carpet stuff and then there’s the host’s monologue (c’mon Ellen, you can do it!) and then, maybe, one award, then they’ll probably intro one best picture clip and then, maybe some bit of live “entertainment” (WHY do they torture us with this every year??? When I went to the Oscars, I actually sat in the auditorium with the stars and let me tell you, NO ONE was interested in any of the live stuff. That’s when everyone went to the bathroom or out for a drink or a smoke).
Will ‘Norbit’ cost Eddie Murphy his Oscar?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hollywood — If you stand near the Kodak Theatre and Oscar’s growing red carpet for Sunday’s Academy Awards show and look up, what you see high up across the street is a giant billboard with Eddie Murphy in a female fat suit touting “Norbit.”
At least one Oscar voter has confided to me that the debut of “Norbit,” with its low-brow comedy and sassy, big-breasted, big-stomached woman (played by Murphy) might cost him enough Academy Award votes for supporting actor for “Dreamgirls” to make him a Sunday night loser.
I still believe Eddie has helped make so many people in Hollywood so much money (“Beverly Hills Cop,” the “Shrek” movies, the “48 Hrs.” movies and more) that enough Oscar voters will stay in his camp and help him take home a trophy.
Do you think the un-Oscar like comedy splash of “Norbit” is enough to do in Murphy’s chances?
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About Martin Scorsese and the Curse…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’ve written a short, not-very-serious piece for this Friday’s Movies & More about all the times Martin Scorsese has lost in the best director category.
But I do wonder why it is the Academy seems to so dislike him. Is it because he’s never really become “one of them,” preferring to hold on to his New York roots?
Or is it a matter of terrible timing? I mean, I don’t think anyone was going to beat Kevin Costner the year of “Dances With Wolves.” Ditto Robert Redford and “Ordinary People” (ironically, both these film haven’t aged well while Scorsese’s “Goodfellas” and “Raging Bull” remain as vibrant and watchable as ever.
There’s the old “Hitchcock never won” mantra. In fact, a lot of excellent directors are Oscar-less. Still, there’s something about Scorsese’s situation that seems unique.
Anyone have some thoughts on the Scorsese Curse?
Alan Smithee’s most satisfying Oscar moments
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’ve been watching the Oscar show since way before my once-wee sons, D.W. and Cecil B., were born. I rely on memory (and my brain is good), so here’s my top five most satisfying Oscar moments:
1. “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King” wins a record-tying 11 Oscars. I loved the movie. Every minute of it. I didn’t want it to end no matter how many endings it had. I was so happy that it won every Academy Award it was nominated for. I only wish it had been up for No. 12, won it and ended up with more Oscars than “Ben-Hur” and “Titanic.”
2. Whoopi Goldberg’s Oscar speech. When she won for “Ghost” I thought what she said was heartfelt and real. This is part of it: “I wanna thank everybody who makes movies. I come from New York; as a kid, I lived in the projects and you’re the people I watched. You’re the people that made me want to be an actor. I’m so proud to be here.”
3. Adrien Brody wins best actor for “The Pianist.” It was unexpected. happy and an especially glorious moment when he dipped presenter Halle Berry and gave her a whopping kiss.
4. Bjork’s asinine red-carpet swan dress. The worst ever. But give her credit. It’s a moment that will live forever.
5. David Niven sizes up a streaker. The 1974 ceremony was interrupted by a naked man running across the stage, demonstrating that period’s streaking craze. As co-host, Niven put the guy in his place, remarking how the man had demonstrated “his short-comings” to the world.
Surely you have your own favorite Oscar moments. Tell me what they are.
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Mr. Smithee challenges thee to pick more Oscar winners than he
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’ve picked who I think will win in every Oscar category. Can you get more correct than I do?
Fat chance. Make a printout, make your own picks and see who’s best on Sunday night.
Those of you most confident should to ahead and let me know now where you think I’m wrong.
Picture: “The Departed.”
Actor: Forest Whitaker, “The Last King of Scotland.”
Actress: Helen Mirren, “The Queen.”
Director: Martin Scorsese, “The Departed.”
Supporting actor: Eddie Murphy, “Dreamgirls.”
Supporting actress: Jennifer Hudson, “Dreamgirls.”
Original screenplay: “Little Miss Sunshine.”
Adapted screenplay: “TheDeparted.”
Animated film: “Cars.”
Foreign-language film: “Pan’s Labyrinth.”
Cinematography: “Children of Men.”
Film editing: “Babel.”
Art direction: “Dreamgirls.”
Sound mixing: “Dreamgirls.”
Original score: “Babel.”
Song: “Listen” from “Dreamgirls.”
Costume design: “Marie Antoinette.”
Make-up: “Pan’s Labyrinth.”
Visual effects: “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.”
Sound effects editing: “Letters from Iwo Jima.”
Documentary: “Deliver Us From Evil.”
Documentary short: “Recycled Life.”
Animated short: “No Time for Nuts.”
Live-action short: “The Saviour.”
P.S. Printing too much of an effort? Add your picks to the game which has the top nine categories.
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And the Alan Smithee best Oscar host award goes to …
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Like you, I don’t appreciate how long the Academy Award show is. Hollywood’s ultimate parade of the delusional starts on a Sunday and ends, I don’t know, sometime around Thursday.
Blame it on William Holden. In 1953, back when sanity still reigned, the show reached its television time limit and Holden, who won best actor for “Stalag 17,” got cut off. He was able to utter “thanks” and the show went bye-bye and straight to commercials.
The post-show uproar from Holden and others is what led to the Oscar ceremonies’ now open-ended schedule. They get to natter on about how great they are and how much they appreciate their publicists; we get to doze off in front of the TV set.
Fortunately for us, some Oscar hosts are good enough to make the proceedings tolerable. And sometimes quite entertaining.
I have high hopes for Ellen DeGeneres. She’s very amicable on her talk show and seems to make her audience comfortable and happy. And she’s known to make people laugh even in the touchiest of times. She hosted the Emmys right after 9/11. The show was delayed twice over two months, but when it finally aired she stood her ground and said, “What would bug the Taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews?”
Here’s my own countdown of a few past Oscar hosts, starting with the bad and ending with the very best:
8. DAVID LETTERMAN. What was he thinking? “Oprah, Uma; Uma, Oprah.”
7. WHOOPI GOLDBERG. I always tired of her laughing at her own jokes. But I did like it in the year of “Saving Private Ryan” vs. “Shakespeare in Love” when she showed up in full regalia as Queen Elizabeth.
6. STEVE MARTIN. His quips were often long, but pointed. “But that is what is great about show business. It’s a tolerant business. It’s the most tolerant in the world. We have black people, white people, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, Christians, all working together. All because of a single common love: publicity.”
5. JON STEWART. Not quite as effective as watching “The Daily Show.” But he knew how to put Hollywood and government in their places - at the same time. Explaining why Bjork, who once wore a swan outfit to the Oscars (with beak), was missing from the ceremony: “She was trying on her Oscar dress, and Dick Cheney shot her.”
4. CHRIS ROCK. I imagine the Hollywood machine was uncomfortable with his go-for-the-jugular jokes. But I liked him. Exposing the wide gap between the tastes of the public and Oscar voters, he included a segment where he interviewed moviegoers at a Magic Johnson theater, revealing they had no interest in some of the best picture nominees.
3. JOHNNY CARSON. It was almost like watching his talk show, which most of the country did anyway.
2. BOB HOPE. Easy. Smooth. Self-deprecating. Rarely controversial. He hosted at least a dozen times. One of his first quips came the first night he hosted when “Gone With The Wind” swept the awards: “What a wonderful thing, this benefit for David Selznick.”
1. BILLY CRYSTAL. Nobody can touch him. Every year he’s not there I miss his song parodies, his fast one-liners and his ability to make the Hollwood self-absorbed laugh as much as we’re doing at home. Best of all, he always made us think it’s not quite bedtime yet.
COMING WEDNESDAY: Guess you had to be there but you probably weren’t. Still, these were great Oscar moments.
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Follow Alan Smithee to the Oscars
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Today’s breaking Oscar news: The AJC has learned that its star movie columnist, Alan Smithee, will be wearing Calvin Klein. Footwear to accompany his C.K. tuxedo is expected to be Kenneth Cole.
Yes, if you were me, you would today have completed final preparations to head to Los Angeles for Sunday’s 79th annual Academy Awards. And your check list would read exactly like this:
1. Golden ticket from the Academy for red carpet and backstage credentials - check.
2. Multi-day hotel reservation within convenient walking distance of the Kodak Theatre - check.
3. Vidal Sassoon battery-operated nose and ear hair trimmer - check.
In other words, duty calls.
I’ve done red carpets from New York to Los Angeles and back again and have the rug burns to prove it. Certainly, I am anticipating getting reacquainted with a few notables and meet new friends on ultra-ego alley (it is more commonly referred to elsewhere as the red carpet).
I want to see supporting actor nominee Mark Wahlberg (“The Departed”) so I can repeat the exact words he said to me on a “Perfect Storm” red carpet near Boston the first time we ever met: “Hey, we’ve met before.”
I want to see statuette presenter Tom Cruise (he was miles away from a nomination for “Mission: Impossible III”) again so that, if I get the chance, I can ask him why, when my once-wee sons D.W. and Cecil B. stopped their car to gawk and point at The Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre in L.A., did a white van unexpectedly emerge from the compound and follow their vehicle through left and right turns for several blocks?
I want to see actress nominee Penelope Cruz (“Volver”) so that I can … well … see her.
Oscar voters have to return final ballots by 5 p.m. Tuesday PST. But I already have a feeling I know who’s going to win.
Best supporting actress: Jennifer Hudson (“Dreamgirls”). I have selected her because I am not a crazy fool.
Best supporting actor: Eddie Murphy (“Dreamgirls”). I have selected him because even though “Norbit” should be an embarrassment, Mr. Murphy has done the most important thing any celebrity can do: that is, help everybody in Hollywood earn umpteen billions of dollars through ultra-popular mainstream movies.
Best director: Martin Scorsese (“The Departed”). I have selected him because that is what Hollywood does: wait until some Oscarless somebody makes their sixth or seventh best movie and then give them an Academy Award for it.
Best actress: Helen Mirren (“The Queen”). I have selected her because she is going to win.
Best actor: Forest Whitaker (“The Last King of Scotland”). I have selected him because he’s the best of all the nominees in every category.
Best picture: “The Departed.” I have selected it because … why not?
COMING TUESDAY: Let’s figure out together how we think Ellen DeGeneres is going to do and decide who can lay claim to being the best Oscar show host ever.
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Sometimes it’s really best not to ask what’s in the stew
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You know, even though it’s pretty hard to imagine Hannibal Lecter on water skis — or even wearing swim trunks, or letting himself get something as common as a suntan — I think it’s time we all agreed that everybody’s favorite liver-eating, brain-sauteing serial killer has gone and jumped the [procreating] shark.
I’m talking about “Hannibal Rising,” which tells us everything we never wanted to learn about the early life of Agent Clarice Starling’s very special boyfriend.
Like, for instance, how he started off as this spoiled, hoity-toity Lithuanian rich boy living in a castle (called, you betcha, CASTLE LECTER!!!) with his mommy and daddy and precious baby sister, Mischa, in 1944.
That is, until this little thing called World War II happens, and Mama Lecter and Papa Lecter get blown up. And lil’ Hannibal and Mischa get taken hostage by this band of bad Lithuanian drifters led by Rhys Ifans, who played Hugh Grant’s goofy roommate in “Notting Hill” back in 1999 and looks like he hasn’t brushed his teeth, had a bath or wiped his [buttocks] since then.
Rhys stomps around saying things like, “kill the Jew,” and he eats birds raw, with the feathers still on them. (I guess he’s supposed to be everything the super-prissy Hannibal turned out NOT to be.)
The movie spends so much time giving us close-ups of him and his pals with their greasy faces and gray chompers, I was ready to yell, “We get it already — they’re the bad guys. Now can they go ahead and EAT the girl already, because I want to get home in time for ‘Entourage’!”
Because, of course, that’s what they do. Eat Mischa, I mean. But the movie tries to pretend like that’s some big secret, and it wastes precious screen time by showing Hannibal — once he’s grown up and turned into a smirky French actor named Gaspard Ulliel — thrashing around in his sleep and having grainy nightmares about Mischa getting led off to the chopping block.
Which, to begin with, doesn’t make a lick of sense, because young Hannibal has about twice as much meat on him as Mischa does, and there’s half a dozen hungry grown men to feed.
So maybe these doofuses DO deserve to get tracked down and killed after the war, just for being so stupid.
And, yeah, that’s what Hannibal sets out to do. We next see him as a teenager, stuck in an orphanage in the former CASTLE LECTER (!!!), but he breaks out and manages to go hippity-hopping over heavily guarded European borders like some kind of a magical bunny rabbit.
He winds up in France and goes to his uncle’s mansion — oh, excuse me, chateau. Only his uncle’s dead, but that’s OK, because his widow is Gong Li, who was in the only scenes that were worth watching in “Miami Vice” last year.
Gong teaches Hannibal how to fight like a ninja and clean a sword blade with clove oil. (Gosh, who knew?) And every now and then, she kneels in front of a samurai uniform and prays to her Japanese ancestors, but since Gong Li is actually Chinese, those seemed like the very definition of wasted prayers.
Pretty soon Hannibal starts concentrating on his special hobby. First, he guts the local butcher, on account of insulting Gong Li’s lady parts. Then he hippity-hops all the way back to Lithuania and uses his magical rabbity intellect to discover the names of all those hungry, hungry hobos who invented Mischa ragout.
I wish I could tell you that all the killings were cool. And they weren’t bad so much as they were sort of undermined by how smirky and smug and girlie this Gaspard Ulliel is. When a cop starts quizzing him about one of the murders, Hannibal goes, “Do you compose verse, Inspector, and keep it under your pillow?” And after he sees one of the bad guys, who’s now a family man, he goes, “How neat he is, and plump, this war criminal.” And I started to forget he would go on to have the hots for Clarice Starling, because it seemed like he wanted to do more to these guys than just eat them. …
It didn’t help that this Gaspard kid is a dead ringer for creepy Crispin Glover when he was in “Back to the Future.”
I kept half-expecting Marty McFly to drop in out of thin air in his DeLorean, and go, “No, Dad, stop it — killing and eating people is wrong!”
Come to think of it, I wish that had happened. Maybe then Hannibal could’ve climbed into that time-machine car, flown back to 1944, saved his sister from being supper, and saved US from this super-lame prequel — am I right?
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Some sure bets left in their seats by fickle Oscar
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Over the past few years, largely due to my discovery of the wonderful “Prime Suspect” series, I have become a fan of Helen Mirren. The Oscars haven’t been handed out yet, but has there ever been such domination by an actress’s performance as Ms. Mirren’s? And is there a particular Mirren role in a film that you would recommend for me?
Oh, and not to slight Forest Whitaker - his universal recognition is long overdue.
DEAN ABERCROMBIE, Snellville
Dear Just Where Have You Been?
As longtime “Ask Alan Smithee” readers most likely know by heart, yours truly is a stalwart Helen Mirren admirer.
Oh, but yes. She and I once chortled in private amusement while conversing about her stunning beauty in her role as the underdressed Morgana in John Boorman’s 1981 King Arthur tale, “Excalibur” - she intoning her words for my ears alone in the swirling, guttural potency of Old English that she had used to chant spells in the movie, whilst votre ami could but heave his chest and beg for more.
She’s been a lock for the Oscar since “The Queen” first unreeled.
In fact, in my humble opinion, her only competition should be Judi Dench (“Notes on a Scandal”).
And wise Oscar watchers know Ms. Dench has already announced that not only will she not be at the awards show (because of pending surgery), she didn’t really want to come all that way across the pond just to lose.
Can Ms. Mirren win just about everything in sight, then up and lose the best actress Oscar?
Heck, yes. It would be sad, but wilder things have happened.
For the 1948 Academy Awards ceremony, Rosalind Russell (“Mourning Becomes Electra”) was the heavy favorite. According to Robert Osborne’s “Academy Awards Illustrated,” a Daily Variety poll put Russell No. 1, followed in order by Dorothy McGuire (“Gentleman’s Agreement”), Joan Crawford (“Possessed”), Susan Hayward (“Smash-Up - The Story of a Woman”) and, finally, Loretta Young (“The Farmer’s Daughter”).
Guess who won.
“Russell was halfway out of her seat,” Osborne wrote in his book, when Ms. Young’s name was called and a loud gasp swelled.
But I still hope Mirren wins.
In addition to “Excalibur,” you need to see “Gosford Park” (2001), “Some Mother’s Son” (1996), “The Madness of King George” (1994), “The Mosquito Coast” (1986) and, especially, “The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover” (1989).
Your kind words about Forest Whitaker (“The Last King of Scotland”) ring true as well. He deserves the best actor Oscar.
Now, I couldn’t be entirely upset myself if Peter O’Toole (“Venus”) pulls an upset. O’Toole, after all, was denied an Academy Award many times when he very richly deserved one. But I still think Whitaker’s performance is too good not to win.
ALAN
P.S. You get a wine-bottle opener kit from “A Good Year” and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Recently, a local theater had a Robert Altman festival and showed “MASH,” “The Player,” “Popeye,” “Short Cuts” and “Nashville.” I went to all five. It was my first time to see “The Player,” which deserved all its accolades.
My question, though, is about “Popeye”: The resident trivia expert said Wesley Ivan Hurt (who played Swee’pea) was Altman’s grandson.
I seem to remember that when it came out, it was said that he was John Hurt’s son. He gave such a remarkable performance that I felt he had to have that great actor’s genes.
Which is correct?
DON HENKE, Dayton, Ohio
Dear Bluto,
Why would anyone show “Popeye” much less watch it?
I don’t care how much I loved Altman - and I loved most of his movies enough to tolerate “A Wedding” - I cannot even pretend to sit through “Popeye.”
Which leads me to a very quick answer.
Sir, everybody on the planet, including Roger Ebert but apparently not you, seems to believe that Wesley Ivan Hurt was Robert Altman’s grandson. I even found a guy online who claims little Wesley is his wife’s second cousin as well as a descendant of the celebrated director.
In the vein of I yam what I yam, he is who he is.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Children of Men” cap and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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Love stories we love to watch
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
From to “Sleepless in Seattle” to “Love Jones,” love stories on the big screen have made us cry and clutch our hearts thousands of times over the years.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, AJC staffers have chosen some of our favorites. (Click here to see scenes from a few). But we want to know: What are your personal picks for the best movie about amore? And what romantic movie scenes will forever remain burned in your memory?
‘Little Miss Sunshine,’ ‘Departed’ inch toward Oscar showdown
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hollywood’s little movie that could - “Little Miss Sunshine” - moved a tiny step closer to a possible best picture Oscar by beating out “Babel” and “The Queen” for best original screenplay honors at Sunday’s Writers Guild Awards. The night’s big winner for adapted screenplay: “The Departed.”
With Feb. 25’s Oscar ceremony looming, “Departed” and “Sunshine” appear to be edging ahead of early favorite “Babel.”
“Departed” director Martin Scorsese recently won the Directors Guild Award and “Sunshine” took home best cast at the Screen Actors Guild honors.
These most recent awards can influence Oscar voters. Their ballots aren’t due back to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences until Feb. 20.
In other movie awards over the weekend, “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” won six honors at the Visual Effects Society awards and “The Last King of Scotland” and “Pan’s Labyrinth” won three awards each at the Orange British Academy Awards.
Among the big winners at the British honors: “The Queen” for best film, Helen Mirren (“The Queen”) for best actress, Paul Greengrass (“United 93”) for best director, Forest Whitaker (“The Last King of Scotland”) for best actor, Alan Arkin (“Little Miss Sunshine”) for best supporting actor and Jennifer Hudson (“Dreamgirls”) for best supporting actress. “Pan’s Labyrinth” won best foreign-language film.
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No telling what you’ll find down on the farm
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I couldn’t blame Jess, the teenage girl in “The Messengers,” when she gets all pouty about having to move from Chicago to middle-of-the-boonies nowhere with her family.
Same thing happened to me when I was 10. My dad thought it’d be a great idea to get out of the city for a year and help my Uncle Dothan shake some profit out of his pecan farm.
If Pop had done a little more digging, he’d’ve found out the reason Uncle D wasn’t getting profit out of his pecan farm was because he was also trying to get profit out of an old-school moonshine still, hidden in the middle of all those pecan trees. Only he was drinking all those profits himself and spent most days passed out under a blanket of falling pecans … which he was too drunk to harvest.
We probably would’ve headed back to the city right away, only Pop was waiting for some sort of a restraining order to expire. But that’s another story.
Anyway, in “Messengers,” Jess (Kristen Stewart) and her family move into an old brown farmhouse the color of [excrement] in the middle of fields where there aren’t even any trees.
At least on the pecan farm, my brother and I had trees we could climb up and hide in whenever Uncle Dothan hit the airplane glue and mistook one of us for his ex-wife and chased after us.
Man, we had a couple of close calls, too. …
Funny, I hadn’t thought about those days in a while. Maybe it’s because there wasn’t a whole lot to keep my mind from drifting while I was watching “The Messengers.”
See, Jess and her folks move into the farmhouse, and Jess gripes that her cellphone can’t get a signal in the stick-free sticks. And her dad chuckles and goes, “Out here, people remember you can have conversations without those things.”
And that’s just the sort of folksy, homespun sentiment people say seconds before their teenagers beat them to death with a hammer.
Not that that happens, exactly. But it turns out their farmhouse has seen its share of murders in the past. Only Jess’ dad (Dylan McDermott) didn’t bother to find anything out about the house’s history before he bought it. And nobody in the family seems to notice that the rooms in their new house are full of so much spooky smoke you’d think David Copperfield was down in the basement, testing the fog machine for his next Vegas show.
Actually, David Copperfield in the basement would’ve been a whole lot scarier than the things that actually are in the basement in this movie.
See, Jess sulks around the house acting bored, but that doesn’t last for long because her mute baby brother, Ben, starts toddling around the house pointing at invisible things.
And when they get visible, you see they’re those boring old herky-jerky Asian-style ghosts with gray skin like oatmeal and eyes like boiled eggs. And then you remember the directors’ last name is Pang. And then you feel a pang of nostalgia for the good old-fashioned American kind of ghosts that wore white sheets and went “boo.”
These ghosts have a few decent tricks, though. They can crawl along on the ceiling, and turn the cellar floor into a swimming pool, then back again into a floor — which would be a nice trick to have, especially if you live in a condo. Oh, and they throw furniture around and stuff, and drag Jess around by her hair — which is easy to do because Miss Stewart looks like she weighs about 20 pounds and somebody should make her eat a Wendy’s.
Jess’ parents don’t hear or see any of this, natch. McDermott is too busy trying to grow a crop of sunflowers and some chest hair. And Jess’ mom (Penelope Ann Miller — yeah, I thought she was dead, too) wanders around the house scrubbing walls and acting like it wasn’t Chicago they came from, but Stepford.
Oh, and did I mention the crows? There’s these crows, see, and they’re always flying around the house and acting all, like, spooky and “Birds”-ish, but not doing a whole lot.
But then it’s like all of a sudden, they check their watches and see it’s almost the 90-minute mark and realize they’d better peck one of the characters in the head, until he remembers he’s the bloodthirsty villain of the piece and can grab a pitchfork and start trying to kill everybody else so that the movie can end and we can finally go home.
And if you don’t figure out who the bad guy is from the second he walks into the movie, then you should maybe get out more — am I right?
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What Oscar needs is a touch of ‘Smackdown’
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
The Golden Globes telecast gives awards to both TV shows and movies in the same amount of time (or less) as the Oscars. What do you think about the length of the Oscar telecast? What could be done about it?
KATHARINE GILSTRAP, Warner Robins
Dear Party Pooper,
First, we should stress the need for full disclosure.
The Golden Globes bestow 26 honors, including the long-winded Cecil B. DeMille award so that Warren Beatty can natter on about nothing of any importance.
The Oscars this year will bestow 26 honors, including an honorary Oscar and the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award, which requires a rather lengthy explanation as to why we sitting at home should care when we clearly will not. Plus, some lucky B-list star with a new movie to plug will be allowed to come forward to announce - to no one listening - the many winners of the untelevised awards in science, engineering and technology.
That’s when you, Katharine, will learn of the very deserved honor for Peter Litwinowicz and Pierre Jasmin for “the design and development of the RE: Vision Effects family of software tools for optical flow-based image manipulation.”
Honestly, I can’t imagine how we’ve survived any summer film seasons without it.
The Golden Globes show is usually three hours. The Oscars, on the other hand, are required to continue until the last American has finally dozed off.
I don’t think the length of the show is the problem. It’s the content, especially this year when the expected winners are so expected it’s hard not to imagine the last American dozing off somewhere around the time of best cinematography.
Now, the AJC Channel Serf (a nice young woman who lately refers to me in public as “Little Mr. Sunshine”) has promised to divulge her own thoughts as television critic on the subject in the Sunday Arts & Books section on Oscar day, Feb. 25.
I, however, cannot wait that long.
The Oscar show should take a hint from its own movies - like “Glengarry Glen Ross.”
“We’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest,” Ellen DeGeneres might say. “As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize?
“Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is, you’re fired.”
We could then dispense with all the pretense of “it’s an honor just to be nominated,” drop the idiotic veil of civility and get down to what Hollywood really is at its most watchable - a free-for-all wrestling mud pit of human depravity, bloated egos and self-worship.
ALAN
.P.S. You get a “Because I Said So” apron and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Due to the colossal emptiness of the Hollywood creativity department, I am now addicted to renting movies from online (i.e., Netflix) because there are so many terrific films from Europe, Asia and other countries both old and new that most Americans never even hear about. What movies are some of your personal favorites from the other side of our world?
SCOTT FORESTER, Marietta
Dear Snob,
Of course, there are the myriad of films I mention fairly often - “Seven Samurai,” “Fanny and Alexander,” “The 400 Blows,” “La Dolce Vita.”
But looking just a little deeper, I have found solace in these in recent times: Akira Kurosawa’s “High and Low,” Christoffer Boe’s “Reconstruction,” Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck’s “The Lives of Others” (which finally arrives in Atlanta on March 2), Hirokazu Koreeda’s “Nobody Knows,” Yoji Yamada’s “Twilight Samurai,” Vittorio de Sica’s “Umberto D,” Lars von Trier’s “The Element of Crime” and Nimrod Antal’s “Kontroll.”
That’s a good start.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Children of Men” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Your column on Friday is about the best thing in the paper anymore. I’ve noticed, however, that Jordy “Ray” Purlky seems to miss more Fridays than he’s in there, and always for frivolous reasons. Why does he get more time off than you?
DONNA SPRINKLE, Woodstock
Dear Observant,
When I was a child, I talked like a child, and I thought like a child.
Master Purlky, dare we say, is unaware of grown-up ways.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Smokin’ Aces” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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DGA win puts Scorsese in Oscar limelight
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I wish Martin Scorsese had won the Directors Guild of America Award long ago for “Raging Bull.” Or “Goodfellas.” Or even “Casino.” But he didn’t. He finally won late Saturday for “The Departed.”
It’s seems it is finally Scorsese’s year. Saturday’s DGA honor, which he finally won after years and years of trying, is for the bullet-riddled “The Departed,” his re-imagining of the cult Chinese hit “Internal Affairs.”
“The Departed” is a fine movie. But it’s not Scorsese’s best. In a year of fine but not immortal movies, it’s a time of convergence for Scorsese. It’s become his year.
If you’re the kind of moviegoer who bets on the Oscars, now is the time to put down Scorsese’s name in the best director race.
Trust me on this: he’s finally going to win. The DGA has long been a good barometer of how Oscar votes will go.
The DGA often does a lot of things right.
Like, this year they honored Kenny Ortega for Disney’s “High School Musical,” one of the great natural phenomenons of 2006. When you have that many kids embrace a TV movie with limited initial mainsteam promotion, you’ve created something special.
Permalink | | Categories: Talk about movies
Some children should be seen as well as heard
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
In your greater-than-considerable opinion, what are the greatest performances by child actors in movies? I also mean real children, like Henry Thomas in “E.T.,” not a corseted, hair-dyed 17-year-old pseudo-child like Judy Garland in “The Wizard of Oz.”
GEORGE BARTON, Sharpsburg
Dear Tiny Tim,
There once was a not-so-wee boy named D.W. Smithee who liked certain things - like little Natalie Portman in “The Professional.”
Now D.W. also likes really good movies, which is why he rooted for Roberto Benigni’s Holocaust film “Life is Beautiful” at the Oscars. Benigni won an acting Oscar playing the father of young actor Giorgio Cantarini in the 1998 film.
Now my point - and I do have one - is that a couple of years later my phone rang. It was D.W. calling. To tell me he saw little Giorgio again. Being run down by a vile Roman’s horse in “Gladiator.”
D.W. said he knew “Gladiator” was good, but that moment made it great because Ridley Scott had the guts to smash the precious, wee lad from “Life is Beautiful.”
I couldn’t agree more.
I want my drama tough, dark and smart. Which means Macaulay Culkin won’t make my list of best child actors. Dakota Fanning? She’s on the bubble, especially after her unfortunate appearance with Sean Penn in “I Am Ham.”
Here is a list of my 10 favorite performances by child actors. And when I say child, I say the cutoff is roughly 13. Like you stated so clearly, Garland was no “Oz” child.
1. Shirley Temple in “You Pick the Film Because Whichever One Simply Does Not Matter.” It really doesn’t.
2. Max Pomeranc in “Searching for Bobby Fischer.” He was 9 and outacted Joe Montegna, Joan Allen, Ben Kingsley and Laurence Fishburne.
3. Christian Bale in “Empire of the Sun.” He carried Steven Spielberg’s 154-minute World War II epic on his 13-year-old back.
4. Haley Joel Osment in “The Sixth Sense” and “AI: Artificial Intelligence.” I might have considered him amazing in “AI” if, when I met him, he didn’t already seem to be a robot.
5. Jamie Bell in “Billy Elliot.” A great invitation to the dance.
6. Victoire Thivisol in “Ponette.” I know, I know. She was 4. All I’m saying is trust me on this one.
7. Tatum O’Neal in “Paper Mooon.” Note the long exchanges with her real-life dad while riding in the car and then try to tell me she’s not wonderful.
8. Mary Badham in “To Kill a Mockingbird.” I don’t care how many takes were required to get the performance, the performance works.
9. Vinicius de Oliveira in “Central Station.” A heart-breaking story with a heart-breaking acting job.
10. Bertil Guve in “Fanny and Alexander.” This little actor doesn’t just witness the ghost of his father, he sees that ghost.
A few runners-up: Justin Henry in “Kramer vs. Kramer,” Henry Thomas and Drew Barrymore in “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial,” Sarah and Emma Bolger of “In America,” Keisha Castle-Hughes in “Whale Rider,” William Eadie in “Ratcatcher,” Alex Etel in “Millions,” Rory Culkin in “You Can Count On Me,” Abigail Breslin in “Little Miss Sunshine,” Elizabeth Taylor in “National Velvet” and Ivana Banquero in “Pan’s Labyrinth.”
ALAN
P.S. You get “Norbit” Valentine’s cards and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
My husband and I noticed that when we watch a drama, more times than not there is a fan used somewhere in the movie. What is the significance of a fan?
NANCY HARDT, Fayetteville
Dear Fan of the Fan,
What was it Shakespeare wrote? “It is a tale told by an idiot, full of fans, signifying nothing.” Or close to that.
But you catch my drift.
Big, whirring fans signify danger. They can cut somebody.
They also indicate motion. Or, as in the opening of “Apocalypse Now,” one busily moving fan can morph into the whirl of helicopter blades.
Or, more specifically, it can mean that director Marc Forster, who used a fan to open “Monster’s Ball,” was sitting in Francis Ford Coppola’s home in New Orleans, which he was, and watching “Apocalypse Now Redux,” which he did, when he became inspired.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Stranger than Fiction” watch and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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