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March 2007
Of all the ‘best’ pictures, these are the worst
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Based on your cinematic expertise, what are the 10 worst best picture Oscar winners?
ROBERT HUDSON, Atlanta
Dear Unwashed,
Expertise, my good fellow, suggests opinion. Certainly you realize by now that I deal exclusively in facts.
I have, of course, viewed every single film bestowed with a best picture Oscar by America’s royal Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Forthwith, here ARE the 10 worst best picture Oscar winners, in order from top to bottomus.
10. “The English Patient” (1996) - Barely beat out “The Last Emperor” (1987) for this spot. I could never figure out why, instead of crashing the plane, he didn’t just mow the cheaters down.
9. “An American in Paris” (1951) - I am not the biggest fan of musicals and even less of the dance (unless we’re talking about “Reservoir Dogs” and “Stuck in the Middle With You”).
8. “You Can’t Take It With You” (1938) - And I don’t want to.
7. “Forrest Gump” (1994) - I prefer “Run, Lola, Run.”
6. “Gandhi” (1982) - I went to see it on a Monday, got so bored I nicely asked the person next to me to wake me when it was over … and then it was Thursday.
5. “Around the World in 80 Days” (1956) - There were many good movies in the 1950s, but there were also many, many bad ones.
4. “The Broadway Melody” (1929) - It’s not just music and dancing. It’s bad music and worse dancing.
3. “Cavalcade” (1933) - Stuffy English drama that spans decades and never ends.
2. “Cimarron” (1931) - I’ll grant that the opening Oklahoma Land Rush is great. Then things go, well, not so great.
1. “The Greatest Show on Earth” (1952) — I’m just saying: Jimmy Stewart is hiding from the law in a clown suit and makeup. His moniker: “Buttons.”
ALAN
P.S. You get a “The Reaping” cap and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
This has been on my mind for months. I can’t let it go. Your vast knowledge and experience not withstanding (not to mention your formidable private collection of 2,000+ DVDs), you have omitted one of the classic science fiction movies of all time. Written by none other than Kurt Vonnegut, titled: “Slaughterhouse-Five.” The misadventures of Billy Pilgrim, a professional nobody who is “unstuck” in time. True, it’s a little draggy at times, but it gains character through repeated viewings. The beings of the planet Tralfamadore are quite amazing, and the mere presence of Valerie Perrine “au naturel” makes it all the more a true classic. Made in 1972 and directed by George Roy Hill.
JEFFREY KAYMAN. Boynton Beach, Fla.
Dear Go Into the Light,
I always wondered where the late George Roy Hill’s old agent ended up. Guess now we know.
I saw “Slaughterhouse-Five” some time ago. And to be completely honest, Jeff, it just didn’t stick with me.
And so it goes.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “I Think I Love My Wife” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Paul Newman, who recently turned 82, is one of my favorite actors. I have yet to find a DVD where he has recorded commentary. Is there a reason for this? Are there any I’ve missed?
THOMAS JENNINGS, Decatur
Dear Sundance Kid,
Paul Newman has been making movies for a long, long time, and he is a big, big star. So he does what he wants to. And who can blame him? What publicity does he need? And besides, as you pointed out, he’s 82.
I did see the man - once. It was in Chicago five years ago and involved the film “Road to Perdition.” It was a celebrity gold mine. I interviewed Tom Hanks. I got to visit with the great cinematographer Conrad Hall (he passed away the following year). I got to speak with Daniel Craig (granted, who knew at the time he would become James Bond). And I attended a news conference with Newman. He looked good. He dodged most questions and charmed everyone in the room.
Newman has contributed to DVD commentary tracks at least on “The Hustler,” “Somebody Up There Likes Me” and “The Verdict.” Don’t get too excited. He apparently speaks for about 30 seconds on the latter.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Night at the Museum” dinosaur and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
Permalink | | Categories: Alan Smithee
Best performers often fly under Oscar’s radar
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Last week, you wrote about your Top 10 list of Oscar “One Hit Wonders.” So, what would be your Top 10 list of actors who deserved the award more than the actual winner? And what would be your Top 10 list of actors who deserved the award but didn’t even get nominated?
STEVE MATHENY, Lawrenceville
Dear Starstruck,
Will wonders never cease? Each year, there is incessant grousing about the Academy Awards and their general unworthiness to exist, and then for weeks after the overly self-absorbed event has finally concluded, moviegoers everywhere emerge to talk about the Oscars even more.
Your first list request seems quite similar to the brilliance I dispensed a couple of years ago.
Ergo, hie thee to the online Smithee archives and click on the February 2005 column “Just because their award says ‘best’ doesn’t make it so.” Doing so reveals my immense thoughts on overlooked nominees.
As for your second request regarding the ignobility of being non-nominated for a stellar performance, I have to look back but a few years to find plenty of travesties. Behold:
10. Mickey Rourke, “Sin City” (2005) - A perfect fit of actor and role.
9. Philip Seymour Hoffman, “Magnolia” (1999) - In a film full of fine ensemble performances, his stood out.
8. Jim Broadbent, “Topsy-Turvy” (1999) - The academy made up for this oversight later on by awarding him an Oscar for the lesser “Iris.”
7. John Travolta, “Primary Colors” (1998) - The revealing doughnut diner scene alone was enough to earn him a nomination.
6. Paul Giamatti, “American Splendor” (2003) and, especially, “Sideways” (2004) - Back-to-back Oscar voter oversight translates to utter stupidity.
5. Ian McKellen, “Richard III” (1995) - Trust me, Gandalf got robbed.
4. Don Cheadle, “Devil in a Blue Dress” (1995) - So did Cheadle.
3. Naomi Watts, “Mulholland Drive” (2001) - Watch the audition scene and convince me she’s less than incredible.
2. Jack Lemmon, “Glengarry Glen Ross” (1992) - Yes, nominee Al Pacino was great, as was everybody in the movie. But Lemmon was the greatest.
1. Reese Witherspoon, “Election” (1999) - She proved her Oscar worthiness long before “Walk the Line.”
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Pride” backpack and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
I am an avid fan of the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, and I know from your previous columns that you enjoy them as well.
What do you think “The Hobbit” would be like without Peter Jackson?
CURTIS EVANS, Alpharetta
Dear Bilbo Baggins,
I do love the “Lord of the Rings” movies (and that includes every stinkin’ ending of “The Return of the King,” of which there are many).
But I also know what “King Kong” was like without Peter Jackson. And I must say the original ape movie was demonstrably better.
One problem was that Jackson, however talented with hands filled with Oscars, was given so much freedom with “Kong” it became oversized.
That said, I know “The Hobbit” would certainly be better with Jackson than without him.
Michael Bay? No way.
Bob Shaye? Ha ha ha ha ha.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “300” cap and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
My wife and I just saw “Premonition.” My question: When movies need a religion or funeral or talk-to-a-minister, why is it almost always Catholic or one who is addressed as “Father.” Why not United Methodist?
TOM COTTON, Senoia
Dear Do the Math,
Hollywood is all about getting the most butts into seats.
According to the 2006 “Yearbook of American and Canadian Churches,” the Catholic Church is the largest Christian body in the United States and Canada, numbering more than 67 million members. Southern Baptists are a distant second with more than 16 million, and the United Methodist Church is third with more than 8 million.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “I Think I Love My Wife” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
Permalink | | Categories: Alan Smithee
Can flesh-eating mutants trigger a midlife crisis?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I went to see “The Hills Have Eyes 2,” and I can’t tell you exactly what went wrong. But I just wasn’t feeling it. And halfway through I up and walked out.
I don’t think it was the movie’s fault. I think maybe it was me.
“Eyes” starts off in the super-gross way you want it to.
See, there’s this kidnapped human lady tied up to a filthy mattress. And she’s as filthy as the mattress, and her toenails are three inches long, on account of she’s been tied up for months. Because she’s been knocked up. And now she’s in labor. And that sucker’s ready to pop out - like, NOW!
And when it does, one of those lovable, radiated cannibal mutants we met in the first movie clubs her head in. Because it’s HIS lovable, radiated cannibal mutant baby!
So that part was excellent.
But then the movie cuts to Iraq, where soldiers are in a firefight. And one of them throws two grenades in a house, then this lady in a burka (sp???) stumbles out the door going, “You killed my babies!”
Only, she’s totally got her whole body strapped with bombs to blow up the troops.
And just when I’m wondering, “Is it kinda cool or kinda gross to use the war in Iraq as a background for a radiated-cannibal-mutants-in-the-desert movie,” everything stops.
Turns out the soldiers aren’t in Iraq. It’s a training exercise. The burka lady is a National Guard like the rest of them. And their drill sergeant (who is doing this whole junior Louis Gossett thing) tells them that they’d all be dead if this was the real deal.
Yeah, just like that training scene in “Silence of the Lambs.”
Maybe I’m wrong, but if you’re a quick-and-dirty sequel to a remake, you maybe don’t wanta remind people in the audience about a movie that was really and truly and for-all-time awesome, like “Lambs” was.
Anyway, I kept watching. And — back in the desert — the mutants shish-kebabbed one Army scientist, dug a blade in the skull of another, and ripped a third in half and started snacking on his chitlins.
But I just wasn’t into it. I couldn’t really concentrate on the movie. All of a sudden, I just felt like time was passing me by, and I thought that maybe I’d watched too many mutant-cannibal movies over the years. You know? And I just started wondering what the future holds for yours truly.
Don’t ask me why. Maybe it’s because my new lady friend, LaTrea, didn’t call me back after that accident with her area rug.
Maybe it’s because the dancers’ implants at the Pony seem to be getting harder while everything on me is starting to get softer.
Maybe it’s because somebody asked me how old my boy Cal is, and I said 6, and then realized he’s pushing 10. (10!!!)
Or maybe it’s because spring break starts today, and it seems like I’m the only one who’s NOT going to Florida and doesn’t have “teen” at the end of his age.
Maybe it’s those low-balling illegals and the way they’ve been poaching good freelance construction gigs I totally should have gotten instead.
Or maybe I’m just having one of those moments like Peter Fonda did at the end of “Easy Rider,” where he goes, “We blew it.” And nobody really knew what he meant, but you FELT it. Right?
And … maybe it’s because I’m old enough to know about that scene in “Easy Rider” that I’m feeling like this today.
Maybe I just oughta buy a convertible and get it over with. Or maybe it’s time for some real changes.
It might just be that I’ve had my fill of B-movies this spring, what with crummy stuff like “The Messengers” and “Dead Silence” and other [bodily waste] the studios have been dumping at the multiplex. Maybe I ought to do what the snoots call a “palette cleanser” and go see more serious stuff — the kind that wins the awards.
Don’t worry, I’m not saying I’m all of a sudden gonna want to write about British movies, like “Notes From a Scandal,” where I heard Judi Dench gets all stalkerish over Cate Blanchett. I don’t know about you, but if there’s a lesbian in a movie, she needs to be hot, and not 100 years old.
Anyway, check back in next week. Maybe I just need a boatload of vitamins or some antidepressants or a kegger.
Or maybe all I need to feel better about so-bad-they’re-good movies is to get a load of Tarantino and Rodriguez’s double-whammy blast of B-flick love, aka “Grindhouse” — am I right?
‘THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2’
• Naked breasts: Yeah, but they’re on a filthy pregnant lady who gets clubbed to death.
• Dirty words: There’s soldiers in it, so get ready for some f-bombs.
• Best lines: I can’t remember, I was too busy thinking about dying alone and stuff like that.
• The rest: Directed by Martin Weisz. Rated R for prolonged sequences of strong, gruesome horror violence and gore, a rape and language. At metro theaters. 1 hour, 29 minutes.
Permalink | Comments (1) | Categories: The 'B' Movie King
Of all the ‘best’ pictures, these are the worst
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Based on your cinematic expertise, what are the 10 worst best picture Oscar winners?
ROBERT HUDSON, Atlanta
Dear Unwashed,
Expertise, my good fellow, suggests opinion. Certainly you realize by now that I deal exclusively in facts.
I have, of course, viewed every single film bestowed with a best picture Oscar by America’s royal Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Forthwith, here ARE the 10 worst best picture Oscar winners, in order from top to bottomus.
10. “The English Patient” (1996) — Barely beat out “The Last Emperor” (1987) for this spot. I could never figure out why, instead of crashing the plane, he didn’t just mow the cheaters down.
9. “An American in Paris” (1951) — I am not the biggest fan of musicals and even less of the dance (unless we’re talking about “Reservoir Dogs” and “Stuck in the Middle With You”).
8. “You Can’t Take It With You” (1938) — And I don’t want to.
7. “Forrest Gump” (1994) — I prefer “Run, Lola, Run.”
6. “Gandhi” (1982) — I went to see it on a Monday, got so bored I nicely asked the person next to me to wake me when it was over … and then it was Thursday.
5. “Around the World in 80 Days” (1956) — There were many good movies in the 1950s, but there were also many, many bad ones.
4. “The Broadway Melody” (1929) — It’s not just music and dancing. It’s bad music and worse dancing.
3. “Cavalcade” (1933) — Stuffy English drama that spans decades and never ends.
2. “Cimarron” (1931) — I’ll grant that the opening Oklahoma Land Rush is great. Then things go, well, not so great.
1. “The Greatest Show on Earth” (1952) — I’m just saying: Jimmy Stewart is hiding from the law in a clown suit and makeup. His moniker: “Buttons.”
ALAN
P.S. You get a “The Reaping” cap and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
This has been on my mind for months. I can’t let it go. Your vast knowledge and experience not withstanding (not to mention your formidable private collection of 2,000+ DVDs), you have omitted one of the classic science fiction movies of all time. Written by none other than Kurt Vonnegut, titled: “Slaughterhouse-Five.” The misadventures of Billy Pilgrim, a professional nobody who is “unstuck” in time. True, it’s a little draggy at times, but it gains character through repeated viewings.
The beings of the planet Tralfamadore are quite amazing, and the mere presence of Valerie Perrine “au naturel” makes it all the more a true classic. Made in 1972 and directed by George Roy Hill.
JEFFREY KAYMAN, Boynton Beach, Fla.
Dear Go Into the Light,
I always wondered where the late George Roy Hill’s old agent ended up. Guess now we know.
I saw “Slaughterhouse-Five” some time ago. And to be completely honest, Jeff, it just didn’t stick with me.
And so it goes.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “I Think I Love My Wife” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Paul Newman, who recently turned 82, is one of my favorite actors. I have yet to find a DVD where he has recorded commentary. Is there a reason for this? Are there any I’ve missed?
THOMAS JENNINGS, Decatur
Dear Sundance Kid,
Paul Newman has been making movies for a long, long time, and he is a big, big star. So he does what he wants to. And who can blame him? What publicity does he need?
And besides, as you pointed out, he’s 82.
I did see the man — once. It was in Chicago five years ago and involved the film “Road to Perdition.” It was a celebrity gold mine. I interviewed Tom Hanks. I got to visit with the great cinematographer Conrad Hall (he passed away the following year). I got to speak with Daniel Craig (granted, who knew at the time he would become James Bond). And I attended a news conference with Newman. He looked good. He dodged most questions and charmed everyone in the room.
Newman has contributed to DVD commentary tracks at least on “The Hustler,” “Somebody Up There Likes Me” and “The Verdict.” Don’t get too excited. He apparently speaks for about 30 seconds on the latter.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Night at the Museum” dinosaur and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Have a question for Mr. Smithee? E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
Permalink | | Categories: Alan Smithee
Best performers often fly under Oscar’s radar
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Last week, you wrote about your Top 10 list of Oscar “One Hit Wonders.” So, what would be your Top 10 list of actors who deserved the award more than the actual winner? And what would be your Top 10 list of actors who deserved the award but didn’t even get nominated?
STEVE MATHENY, Lawrenceville
Dear Starstruck,
Will wonders never cease? Each year, there is incessant grousing about the Academy Awards and their general unworthiness to exist, and then for weeks after the overly self-absorbed event has finally concluded, moviegoers everywhere emerge to talk about the Oscars even more.
Your first list request seems quite similar to the brilliance I dispensed a couple of years ago.
Ergo, hie thee to the online Smithee archives and click on the February 2005 column “Just because their award says ‘best’ doesn’t make it so.” Doing so reveals my immense thoughts on overlooked nominees.
As for your second request regarding the ignobility of being non-nominated for a stellar performance, I have to look back but a few years to find plenty of travesties. Behold:
10. Mickey Rourke, “Sin City” (2005) — A perfect fit of actor and role.
9. Philip Seymour Hoffman, “Magnolia” (1999) — In a film full of fine ensemble performances, his stood out.
8. Jim Broadbent, “Topsy-Turvy” (1999) — The academy made up for this oversight later on by awarding him an Oscar for the lesser “Iris.”
7. John Travolta, “Primary Colors” (1998) — The revealing doughnut diner scene alone was enough to earn him a nomination.
6. Paul Giamatti, “American Splendor” (2003) and, especially, “Sideways” (2004) — Back-to-back Oscar voter oversight translates to utter stupidity.
5. Ian McKellen, “Richard III” (1995) — Trust me, Gandalf got robbed.
4. Don Cheadle, “Devil in a Blue Dress” (1995) — So did Cheadle.
3. Naomi Watts, “Mulholland Drive” (2001) — Watch the audition scene and convince me she’s less than incredible.
2. Jack Lemmon, “Glengarry Glen Ross” (1992) — Yes, nominee Al Pacino was great, as was everybody in the movie. But Lemmon was the greatest.
1. Reese Witherspoon, “Election” (1999) — She proved her Oscar worthiness long before “Walk the Line.”
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Pride” backpack and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
I am an avid fan of the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, and I know from your previous columns that you enjoy them as well.
What do you think “The Hobbit” would be like without Peter Jackson?
CURTIS EVANS, Alpharetta
Dear Bilbo Baggins,
I do love the “Lord of the Rings” movies (and that includes every stinkin’ ending of “The Return of the King,” of which there are many).
But I also know what “King Kong” was like without Peter Jackson. And I must say the original ape movie was demonstrably better.
One problem was that Jackson, however talented with hands filled with Oscars, was given so much freedom with “Kong” it became oversized.
That said, I know “The Hobbit” would certainly be better with Jackson than without him.
Michael Bay? No way.
Bob Shaye? Ha ha ha ha ha.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “300” cap and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
My wife and I just saw “Premonition.” My question: When movies need a religion/funeral/talk-to-a-minister, why is it almost always Catholic or one who is addressed as “Father.” Why not United Methodist?
TOM COTTON, Senoia
Dear Do the Math,
Hollywood is all about getting the most butts into seats.
According to the 2006 “Yearbook of American and Canadian Churches,” the Catholic Church is the largest Christian body in the United States and Canada, numbering more than 67 million members. Southern Baptists are a distant second with more than 16 million, and the United Methodist Church is third with more than 8 million.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “I Think I Love My Wife” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Have a question for Mr. Smithee?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
Permalink | | Categories: Alan Smithee
Latest victims of the ‘Saw’ guys are moviegoers
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
OK, so you’ve got creepy ventriloquist puppets and 100 dead-eyed dolls. And the two guys who came up with the awesome “Saw” series. PLUS this movie has Amber “Hello!” Valletta in it, too.
What could go wrong?
Well, if you REALLY want the answer, go see “Dead Silence” for yourself. But if you’re smart, you’ll save that money and spend it on seeing “300” a second time instead.
But before I get into it, here’s some of the trailers I saw before the Feature Presentation.
First off were two movies set in sleazy hotels. I didn’t know sleazy hotel movies were a new trend — except the kind you order on demand when you’re STAYING at a sleazy hotel.
The first one’s called “Bug” and stars Ashley Judd as a trashy girl in the middle of nowhere who hooks up with some freaky-looking guy and starts scratching her own skin off and forgetting to take a shower. I’ll pass.
Then there was “Vacancy,” and maybe it was named that because Luke Wilson is in it, and he seems to have lots of For Rent space between his ears. The movie also stars Kate Beckinsale, only she’s not wearing her “Underworld” leather and looks like she has to be all Lady-in-Peril instead of kicking werewolves’ [posteriors], like she does best. So, pass on that one, too. With both movies, it’s the first time that Ashley Judd + Kate Beckinsale + sleazy hotel rooms DOESN’T look like a good equation.
Then there was a trailer for “Knocked Up,” which is all about an accidental pregnancy. It looks hilarious, but I’m gonna pass on that one, too, for the same reason paroled convicts don’t like to watch movies about jail. They’ve already lived it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son Cal. But still …
By this point, a portly African-American lady sitting in front of me was tired of trailers and yelled out, “Let’s get this [bodily waste] on the road!”
But she was pretty sorry pretty soon, because “Dead Silence” really IS [bodily waste]. I guess when you make cash-cow flicks like the “Saw” movies, somebody’s gonna give you money to make a movie based on the script you wrote one night when you were 12 and got all cracked out on Yoo-hoos. Because that’s what “Dead Silence” plays like.
Even before the weird [stuff] starts happening, the movie takes place in Crazyville. That’s because Ryan Kwanten (yeah, I said “who?” too) plays Jamie, this perfect husband who’s not only fixing the kitchen sink, he’s planning to go pick up dinner for his wife, Lisa (Laura Regan), who has a pretty face and a chest you could play Parcheesi on.
First, though, somebody UPS-es a creepy ventriloquist’s doll to their apartment. And Jamie and Lisa are like, “Boy oh boy! Here’s a creepy doll sent by some anonymous somebody — LET’S BRING HIM INSIDE!” They deserve what they get, as far as I’m concerned.
Jamie goes to pick up dinner, and while he’s gone, Lisa spends her time smiling, just like people do in movies right before their tongues get ripped out. She also poses in front of the mirror, admiring her breastlessness. And I am thinking, “Which one of the ‘Saw’ guys is she sleeping with, anyway?”
The good news is — SPOILER — the puppet kills her. But you already knew that if you saw the trailer. Even if you didn’t see the trailer, you still know she’s gonna snuff it the minute she tells Jamie, “I won’t let the scary dummy hurt you.”
That’s like saying, “How can you be scared of a dog with a cute name like Cujo?”
Anyway, Jamie is prime suspect for his wife’s death, and he gets hounded by a cop played by Donnie Wahlberg, brother of Oscar nominee Mark. Donnie spends the movie proving that acting talent is NOT genetic.
He’s not alone because Jamie heads to his hometown, Ravens Fair, which is apparently the place where bad acting comes from. Like the woman who plays a crazy lady and spends all her time talking to a stuffed crow. I expected the crow to come to life and beg for a better scene partner.
Then there’s Bob Gunton as Jamie’s crippled, rich dad, and Amber Valletta as Jamie’s smokin’ new stepmom. But they’re both as wooden as the evil possessed dolls that show up toward the end of the movie.
I would tell you more about the plot, only I have too much self-respect.
I’ll just say that when the devil dolls did come to life, the portly African-American lady in front of me started yelling, “Shoot ‘em! Shoot ‘em!”
But you know what? As far as I’m concerned, they’re just stupid, creepy toys. The ones that deserve the bullets are the “Saw” guys, who turned people like her and me into dummies by tricking us into seeing their movie — am I right?
Permalink | | Categories: The 'B' Movie King
Brat Pack love and memories
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Molly Ringwald, the teen queen of ’80s movie classics “Pretty in Pink,” “The Breakfast Club” and “Sixteen Candles,” has grown up and moved on to Broadway. (To read Tuesday’s Living story on Ringwald, click here.) But to many, Ringwald and the group who starred in those movies will forever be the Brat Pack. (Want to know where they all are now? Click here.)
Who was your favorite member of the Brat Pack? And what is your favorite Brat Pack movie?
Oscar certainly no guarantee of a stellar career
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
The radio stations devote whole weekends to “One Hit Wonders.” Please share your Top 10 list of “One Hit Wonders” Oscar winners. Why did they win? Was it a weak field or the performance of their life? Who among this year’s winners will grace the list?
KATHY SMITH, Wilmington, N.C.
Dear No Relation,
I know what you are up to.
You’re wanting me to say that Jennifer Hudson is already a has-been. Well, madam, I will not stoop so low as to do that. Not for at least another three weeks.
As you must certainly realize, I returned recently from Hollywood, the realm of certain nobility, respect, gas-guzzling transportation and such perfect specimens of glitterati that we - and by that I most certainly do not refer to myself but with all honesty declare it as the pronoun for the rest of you - bow to their cinematic glory.
After receiving your letter, I jotted down some 20 names of personages I believe fit the bill. And, no, one of them is not director Michael Cimino (“The Deer Hunter”), whose “Heaven’s Gate” wasn’t nearly as awful as the hordes said.
Therefore, for your pleasure, Katie:
MR. SMITHEE’S “ONE HIT WONDERS” OSCAR WINNERS COUNTDOWN:
10. Harold Russell, “The Best Years of Our Lives” (1946). A real-life WWII handicapped vet up against four well-known actors. They didn’t have a chance.
9. Shirley Booth, “Come Back, Little Sheba” (1952). A little Broadway powerhouse gets her big-screen chance against bigger names and connects. Booth ultimately wound up with a TV show playing a maid.
8. George Chakiris, “West Side Story” (1961). The dancer (he’s of Greek origin) who got swept up in the musical’s Oscar sweep.
7. Mercedes Ruehl, “The Fisher King” (1991). What was that term you used? Oh, yes: “Weak field.”
6. Helen Hunt, “As Good As It Gets” (1997). This is as good as it will ever be for her. It’s hard to have a big-screen career with absolutely no sex appeal.
5. Haing S. Ngor, “The Killing Fields” (1984). A great performance from a nonactor in a perfect fit of a role.
4. Miyoshi Umeki, “Sayonara” (1957). She and co-star Red Buttons both won, partly because they played sweeties, partly because the story line had them both commit suicide.
3. F. Murray Abraham, “Amadeus” (1984). A great role that elevated this obscure actor. He followed it up by returning to obscurity.
2. Roberto Benigni, “Life Is Beautiful” (1998). Italian, comedic overactor who, perhaps by accident, quieted down enough to sell a sweet, meaningful part.
1. Joel Grey, “Cabaret” (1972). Iconic role. Great performance. Don’t easily remember anything else he’s ever been in.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “The Departed” cap and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
There seems to be some sort of cult following for the 1980 movie “Caddyshack.” I thought it was one of the most stupid, banal and childish pieces of junk I had ever seen.
W.S. CLEMENT. Lake Worth, Fla.
Dear Be the Ball,
Is it possible that “Caddyshack” is stupid, banal and childish? Well, of course it is.
Therein lies its charm, its brilliance, its utter perfection.
Go ask Tiger Woods. He’s one of the many in the film’s “some sort of cult following.”
ALAN
P.S. You get a “TMNT” cap and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
When I saw that a reader received a wine bottle-opener kit, I was inspired.
Why would a bad actor such as, oh, Ryan Phillippe, get an important role in “Breach”?
What do you think of reviewers who give away too much of the plot? And who do you think are good reviewers?
Did you like “A Good Year”? And do you have any more wine bottle-openers?
CHARMAINE MACKENZIE, Lawrenceville
Dear Vino,
Phillippe wasn’t bad in the Oscar winner “Crash.” That alone can buy one a role or two.
I don’t usually read reviews until I’ve seen the movie. The reviewers I like to read after myself and my AJC colleagues are Joe Morgenstern (The Wall Street Journal) and Anthony Lane (The New Yorker).
I thoroughly disliked “A Good Year.” And I do have another wine bottle-opening kit.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “300” shirt, an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt and a secret surprise!
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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You might OD on testosterone just watching ‘300’
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You know, I never thought I could get tired of watching guys jam swords through each others’ guts and whack each others’ heads off, but “300” almost gave me too much of an awesome thing.
Don’t get me wrong. The movie rocks more than anything since “Sin City” — and that’s no accident, since both movies are based on Frank Miller’s graphic novels. And both are full of blood and guts and tons of tata.
Well, maybe not tons, but in “300” there’s this stoned-out-of-her-mind Oracle Girl who shimmies in the air wearing a dress made of something as see-through as Saran Wrap. And you can tell it’s cold up there in her mountaintop temple because she shows off one [heck] of a weather report.
There’s also a really great bedroom scene between King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) and his wife (Lena Headey), who does like all the soldiers in the movie do and shows off her [breasts].
The only thing that’s not so pretty about her is her name: Queen Gorgo. Yeah, just like the name of that 1960s movie — the one about the little sea monster that gets kidnapped by scientists and taken to London. Only that turns out to be a bad idea because Gorgo’s mom is humongous and angry and tears London apart looking for her baby boy. That movie scared the [stuffing] out of me when I was a kid.
Speaking of monsters, there is an awesome Korean movie out now called “The Host,” and it’s worth the trouble of having to read the subtitles — if only for the great scene where the monster pukes out a ton of bones and skulls from all the people it ate.
Maybe I’ll tell you more about THAT movie next week. Meantime, go see it. It’s funny and scary, and you’ll learn interesting stuff — like, did you know squids have 10 legs? I thought they only had eight.
OK, so anyway, “300” …
In case you’re one of the nimrods who did NOT go see it and help it break box-office records last weekend, “300” is about 300 Spartan soldiers in 480 B.C. who go and fight a gazillion Persian soldiers that are trying to invade Greece. They fight and they fight and they fight, then they die.
That’s the whole plot, so you won’t get lost or anything if you go for a bathroom break. Plus, half of the movie is in slo-mo, so you can blink all you want and still not miss anything.
Everything looks awesome because they filmed it against green screens. That means the landscapes are computer FX, and everything is all fake and cool-looking, like something from the cover of a Conan paperback or one of those “John Carter of Mars” books.
The fights are terrific, with more splat for your buck than any movie I can remember since the beach scene in “Saving Private Ryan.” There’s blood everywhere, and more heads rolling than there are balls at a bowling alley.
The Spartans never talk when they can SHOUT, and they’re always shouting stuff like, “This is where we fight! This is where they die!” (That’s in case you’re really slow and haven’t figured out the movie’s plot.)
Even Queen Gorgo acts like she’s got a bad case of ‘roid rage. When Leonidas heads off to war, she tells him, “Come back with your shield, or on it.” Which is kinda harsh, if you ask me.
The main downside of the movie is that all these Spartans are super-pumped, which can make you feel pretty lousy if you haven’t hauled your [buttocks] to the gym in a while. And all the soldiers wear are these cool red capes and these teeny-tiny leather diapers. There’s more man-flesh on the screen than all the seasons of “Oz” combined, and I bet they’ll be showing this movie in gay bars for the next 100 years.
Worst of all, though, is the leader of the Persians, Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro), who’s also working the diaper look. He’s got piercings all over his body, and he’s slathered in mascara. In other words, he looks sort of like the love child of Sid Vicious and Michael Jackson. Xerxes has a whorehouse, but all the whores are mutants, so I don’t really get what his whole scene is.
Or maybe I do. On top of the eye makeup and all the accessories, ol’ Xerxes has this one persistent habit. He’s trying to conquer Greece, but he doesn’t really seem to want the land or money or anything Leonidas and his soldiers could give him.
No, the only thing he really seems to want is to have the king and his gym-bunny soldiers kneel down in front of him. …
And that’s something you don’t want to think about too long — am I right?
Permalink | Comments (5) | Categories: The 'B' Movie King
Now playing at a theater near you - even in Iraq
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
I am a dedicated Frank Miller fan. And I may be a bigger fan of his supreme graphic novel “300,” coming out now in movie form.
The problem: I am serving in Iraq, with a little less than half my Army deployment remaining. The good news is that I spend much of my time at the Balad Air Base, which has one of the only real theaters in the country for service members. Is there any chance you can use your extensive journalistic connections to find out if I will get the chance to see the Spartans kicking (expletive) on the big screen here?
STAFF SGT. GARY WITTE, Camp Anaconda, Balad, Iraq
Dear Sarge,
What would a war be without war movies to watch while warring?
As you know, I was serving time recently at the Oscars and was only able to employ reconnaissance in regards to your request after my return to home base. I trust my e-mail arrived with the appropriate facts, distilled as follows:
“300” with all its graphic-novel-style blood, battles and beheadings, will have at least eight screenings at your Balad movie theater in March, according to the Army and Air Force Exchange Service. In fact, you can watch “300” this very day. At 2030 (8:30 p.m. for those dear readers with scant military expertise).
More screenings will be on Saturday, Tuesday, Thursday, March 16 and March 20- 21.
Enjoy, Sarge.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “300” T-shirt and cap and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
One of the best things about the Academy Awards ceremony was the opportunity to see snippets of the Oscar-nominated live-action and animated shorts - otherwise we would have had no inkling of their existence. We wanted to see more! This led us to wonder if anyone publishes annual DVD compilations of all the Oscar-nominated live-action and animated shorts. Wouldn’t this be a great idea?
Publishing annual collections of all the Oscar nominees for best foreign film would also be a great service.
I searched Imdb.com and also Amazon.com as well as the academy Web site, to no avail.
HELEN LAURENCE, Lake Worth, Fla.
Dear Get Out More,
For a full week before the Oscar ceremony, all the nominees for live-action short and animated short were screened here in Atlanta in two programs at Landmark’s Midtown Art Cinema.
Since you’re in Florida, might I suggest a jaunt to the Miami Beach Cinematheque, which will be showing those same shorts March 16-17.
Magnolia Home Entertainment is expected to have a DVD release of the films, as has been done in a few previous years.
As for foreign-language film nominees, “Water” and “Pan’s Labyrinth” both played in Atlanta before the Oscars. The winner - “The Lives of Others” - started here March 2. Another nominee, “Days of Glory,” starts today at Landmark’s Midtown Art Cinema.
Most foreign nominees find their way to DVD, too.
ALAN
P.S. You get a commemorative “Ghost” candle and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
I am a great fan of your column and wondered if you would answer a theoretical question. What would happen if someone like, say, Jack Nicholson announced the name of the movie he would like to win the best film of the year, rather than the real name on the awards card like, say, “Little Miss Sunshine”?
I just don’t believe “The Departed” is the true winner. I found Nicholson’s behavior highly suspicious. What would be the repercussions of such a dastardly deed?
M. SAUNDERS, Atlanta
Dear Ipcress,
Those dull guys in the penguin suits (i.e. the duo from PricewaterhouseCoopers) have assured me on more than one occasion that they are standing in the wings at the ready to correct any mischief that might befall an Oscar ceremony, besmirching the honor and glory of the academy.
Nicholson might look suspicious to you, but trust me, he is a highly paid movie star, and that in and of itself would make anybody crazy.
Realize the reputation of PricewaterhouseCoopers depends upon no foul-ups.
One mess-up and they’re belly up.
The real issue: Who really cares who wins?
ALAN
P.S. You get a few little “Little Miss Sunshine” gifts and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Permalink | Comments (1) | Categories: Alan Smithee
Like Nic Cage needs a flaming skull to overact
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In case you didn’t know that “Ghost Rider” was about the supernatural, where all kinds of impossible things happen, you learn pretty fast — even before ol’ Johnny Blaze’s head turns into a burning skull.
That’s because we first meet Johnny when he’s played by Matt Long, and he’s in love with Roxanne (Raquel Alessi) and they’re both 17. But her dad doesn’t want her to have anything to do with him.
Flash-forward, and Johnny and Rox meet again, only now he’s 43 and she’s 32 and nobody seems to notice this magical time warp — even though you look at them and think father-daughter, not high school sweeties.
Even worse, while young Johnny seemed like a normal enough kid, he grows up to be Nicolas Cage. And this Johnny “sips” martini glasses full of jelly beans and listens to the Carpenters all the time because he’s Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage doesn’t seem to realize that you don’t get to chew up scenery like Jack Nicholson unless you ARE Jack Nicholson, or if you’ve had 12 Oscar nominations and three wins like Jack’s had.
Nic has only had two nominations and one win, and he got THAT Oscar for playing a drunk in “Leaving Las Vegas.” In Hollywood, if you even AUDITION for the role of a drunk (or a hooker or a [mentally challenged individual]), they give you an automatic Oscar nomination. So Nic’s Oscar doesn’t really count.
Besides which, he was up that year against Richard Dreyfuss, Sean Penn wearing a skunk on his head and some dead Italian guy, so it wasn’t exactly the toughest win in the history of the Oscars, OK?
Anyway, my point is that Nic Cage is not Jack Nicholson, and he shouldn’t try to pretend he is with all the goofy [excrement] he pulls on-screen. Like with the jelly bean-sipping and the Carpenters-listening.
But while I’m on the subject, Jack Nicholson needs to tone down his Jack Nicholson act a little, too, know what I mean? But Jack looked good Sunday night with his shaved head, and I hear he’s acting in a movie, playing a guy with cancer. Playing somebody sick in Hollywood is as surefire as playing a [mentally challenged paraplegic] hooker, so he might as well clear the mantel for Oscar No. 4.
Oh, wait, the cancer part reminded me — I got so carried away talking about Nic and Jack that I forgot to tell you the most important part. And that is that “Ghost Rider” [vigorously inhales].
See, Johnny Blaze is a stunt cyclist who sells his soul to the devil to keep his dad from dying of cancer. Peter Fonda plays Satan. And I don’t know about you, but I’d think twice about making a heal-my-daddy deal with a guy who looks like he’s about two minutes from a dirt nap himself.
Anyway, turns out that in exchange for the deal, whenever the Devil needs to track down some runaway demon, Johnny’s head bursts into flame and he has to track them down on his awesome chopper.
That sounds a whole lot better than it turns out on-screen, because the movie was directed by Mark Steven Johnson, the guy who made the heinous “Daredevil,” which looks like a Spielberg film next to “Ghost Rider.”
There are exactly two cool things about this movie. One is Sam Elliott as this cemetery caretaker, and Sam has the coolest five-packs-a-day voice of anybody in movies.
The second cool thing is Eva Mendes as the Love Interest (for Johnny, not Sam, I’m sorry to say). Eva has got the kind of purity that hasn’t been corrupted by acting lessons. She doesn’t need to act, since Nic Cage is doing the job of 14 camera hogs.
But no matter what he does, your eyes stay on Eva, on account of the two major weapons she’s got right below her neck. While Nic’s running around on-screen and going “boo” at himself in the mirror (no, for real, he does), she just stands there, heroically lifting-and-separating. She steals every scene without saying a word.
And that’s a good thing, because the script sounds like it got written by a handful of 12-year-olds who got paid in ice cream and Playboys.
Like when somebody gets a shock and goes, “Jesus Christ,” then you just know a demon is gonna pop up behind them and go, “Not even close.”
Is that hilarious, or what?
And like when Johnny wakes up after his first night as burning-skull man, the caretaker goes, “Morning, bonehead.” When cool-as-hell Sam Elliott has to say that, something’s wrong in Hollywood.
Worst of all, there’s this scene where Eva gets stood up for dinner and she gets drunk and grabs a waiter and goes, “Do you think I’m pretty?”
Only somebody who hasn’t hit puberty yet could write a line like that for Eva Mendes — am I right?
Permalink | | Categories: The 'B' Movie King
