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April 2007
Shouldn’t have asked for a room with a killer view
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The first 10 minutes of “Vacancy” get the nails-on-chalkboard sound of a bad marriage so totally right, you might think you wandered into one of those depressing movies by that Swedish guy [Editor’s note: Ingmar Bergman].
But stick with it, because it winds up being a down-and-dirty, sicko thriller — though it sort of wastes Kate Beckinsale by not letting her wear any of her leather “Underworld” gear.
She plays the wife of Luke “Waste of Food” Wilson, and they’re driving in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night, staying awake by hating on each other, big-time.
When Luke swerves to miss a raccoon in the road and nearly wrecks, Kate snarks out at him, going, “Better to kill us than get a little roadkill on the car?”
But he gives it back as good as he got. He goes, “We’re still alive — I can tell by the [PO’ed] look you’re giving me.”
Man, this was making me remember my days married to LaDonna, and I about thought I was gonna have to get up and sneak into some other movie. Then it turns out something in the engine busted when the car swerved, but luckily — at least, that’s how it looks at first — they coast into a garage out there in Nowhere Central, and just sort of think nothing of it when the mechanic (Ethan Embry) shows up to help them — even though it’s way after 1 in the a.m.
He fiddles with engine and says they’re good to go. And Luke tries to pay him, but Ethan goes, “I should pay you for finally giving me something to do.”
Trouble is, the something-to-do that he’s talking about isn’t pumping gas.
Kate and Luke decide to crash for a few hours in the sleazebucket hotel next to the gas station. And they maybe should’ve given that a second think, just because of the super-creepy manager — played by Frank Whaley, who looks exactly like a chihuahua if you made it wear Coke-bottle glasses and a John Waters mustache and glued a cheap rug to its head.
Now, here’s some trivia for you: Embry (the mechanic) played the brat in that movie “Dutch,” and Whaley (the manager) was in “Career Opportunities.” And both of those were shot in Georgia and came out in 1991.
Coincidence? You decide.
Oh, and Whaley’s leading lady in “Career Opportunities”? None other than Jennifer Connelly, back in the days when she was the LAST actress you’d think could ever win an Oscar. “Career Opportunities” [inhales vigorously] but it’s worth fast-forwarding for the scene where Jennifer rides a mechanical pony, and she’s wearing this really tight white tank top — but I need to stop thinking about that.
Anyway, Kate and Luke check into a room at Whaley’s sleaz-o-rific hotel. And though there are a lot of scary scenes in the rest of the movie, the only one that made somebody in the theater shout out, “Oh, [darn]!” was when Kate turned on the bathroom light and there was this jimongous roach crawling over the switch by her hand.
She and Luke sit around in the room and gripe at each other some more. And they talk about getting their divorce papers signed after this “last great adventure together.”
Which is, like, almost famous last words. Because Luke shoves a video into the room’s VCR and — I’m not spoiling this, OK, since it’s alllll over the trailer — he realizes he’s watching a real-live snuff film. Shot in a hotel room. The hotel room he and Kate are filling up with their marital hate.
And, yeah, ol’ chihuahua head back in the main office has cameras trained on them. And he and two bloodthirsty boondocks buddies wearing camouflage makeup are soon gonna be pounding on Kate and Luke’s door with plans on gutting them as their next Feature Presentation.
It’s kinda like “The Truman Show,” only for pervs.
“Vacancy” is a lot better than I expected. It’s quick and short, and it gets most of its scares honestly — instead of having people suddenly pop into the frame while the soundtrack buzzes like a chainsaw.
And the movie has a message that’s hard to dispute: If your marriage is going down the Port-O-Let and the two of you need reminding that you used to love each other and need to make things work out, there’s worse couples therapists than three crazy guys with video cameras and a lot of sharp knives — am I right?
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Movies for folks who still like to play in the dirt
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
After enduring so many blasts of winter, what movies can you recommend with a gardening theme that will inspire me to get outside and finish planting my flowers and veggies
GEORGIA NEESE, Stone Mountain
Dear Quite Contrary,
Take five to primp your hairdo, Georgia, because Cinco de Mayo is just around the corner, and along with it comes a very special day. May 5 is also World Naked Gardening Day!
You think I’m making that up, don’t you? I swear by my own splendid torso that I am not. The helpful Web site wngd.org is touting the third annual day of weeding in one’s birthday suit.
Careful where you stoop.
I have thought long and hard about which movies you need to see for inspiration. There’s a rather prickly rose bush scene in “Mommie Dearest.” I suggest you duck when Faye Dunaway brandishes those sturdy clippers.
“Motel Hell” is all about gardening — especially if you like to plant humans in the dirt. It would help if I knew your forte.
Shrubbery? How about “The Karate Kid” or “Edward Scissorhands”?
Vegetables? Stand squarely in the dirt and show your fist to the sky like dear Scarlett in “Gone With the Wind.”
The wicked weed? How about “Saving Grace”?
Here are a few involving flora and such I think you might like: “Greenfingers” (2000), “Adaptation” (2002), “The Constant Gardener” (2005) and “Bed of Roses” (1996).
Personally, I like “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.”
There’s nothing like pleasing the Knights Who Say Ni.
King Arthur: “Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.”
Head Knight: “You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood … alive.”
Arthur: “O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.”
Head Knight: “One that looks nice.”
Arthur: “Of course.”
Head Knight: “And not too expensive.”
ALAN
P.S. You get a Turner Classic Movies Screen on the Green mat and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
It’s nice to see that great minds think alike.
Regarding your column of April 20 — I, too, think that Ralph Fiennes’ performance in “Schindler’s List” was one of the strongest performances I’ve ever seen that didn’t get an Oscar. However, you miscounted Val Kilmer’s performance in “Wonderland” or actually any actor from that movie.
You also failed to mention Mickey Rourke in “Sin City.”
CHRIS MONTROY, Snellville
Dear Alec Baldwin Might Need to Come Straighten You Out,
I’m going to let you know just how disappointed I am in you and how angry I am with you that you have done this to me. You’ve made me feel like a fool over and over again.
Oops, sorry, Chris. Somehow Mother Smithee’s latest e-mail to me slipped in here.
Anyway, you suspect I miscounted Kilmer in “Wonderland”? That movie was wonderless. I couldn’t wait for it to end.
And Mickey Rourke?
I refer you to the original Smithee column on March 23 that sparked all the Kilmer/Fiennes verbiage.
In that first column I named 10 actors who didn’t get an Oscar nomination and should have. Mr. Rourke in “Sin City” was No. 10.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Lucky You” cap and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
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Even Halle has to do stuff that’s just plain yucky
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This is LaDonna Potter, and I am writing about the super-creepy new Film “Perfect Stranger” — but the only thing perfect about it are the two GORGEOUS red dresses Halle Berry wears in it, and I sure wish I knew where she got them!!!
Halle plays an investigative Journalist named Rowena — but you have to pay attention, because before the movie is over she will use about a half dozen other names as aliases. And that includes the fake man’s name she writes under for her newspaper column! I don’t understand why anybody would want to write and pretend to be the opposite Sex, but I don’t work for a newspaper full time, what do I know?! :-)
But maybe I should try to work for a newspaper because it obviously pays real good! Halle wears these gorgeous, expensive-looking dresses. And she lives in this enormous apartment in a beautiful New York building with a Doorman and the whole nine yards!
Well, I guess I should tell you more about the Plot.
It goes like this: Rowena quits her job (no matter how good it pays) because she’s mad because her Editor won’t print her story about a Senator who hits on male Interns — but that is an OLD story, so I can’t much blame her Editor myself.
Rowena runs into an old friend named Grace who tells her she has been fooling around with a married man named Harrison who runs a big Advertising agency. Only, he has not been returning Grace’s calls lately, and she is ready to tell his wife all about their affair.
She tells Rowena, “He has no idea what I can do to him.” But he never gets to find out, either, because she winds up dead in the river.
That’s when Rowena decides she smells a rat, which is not hard to do when you are in New York City because there are rats EVERYWHERE! (OMG, did you see that video last month of all those rats in that KFC/Taco Bell in New York? I have not touched fried chicken since! But I have had tacos, because my sweetie Guillermo is the Taco King!)
Rowena gets a job as a temp worker at Harrison’s Ad agency, only under the name Catherine. And she also starts flirting with him online, but under the name Veronica. Yes, it is confusing. But she is convinced that maybe Harrison had her friend Grace “offed.”
Harrison is played by Bruce Willis, and do you remember when he was kinda hot? I do, but I probably shouldn’t admit it ‘cause that just shows how old I’m getting! ;-o
Bruce Willis is officially no longer hot. Part of that is on account of the bad Toupee he wears, which looks like a little fuzzy landing strip on the top of his head, or a Brazilian Wax.
Worst of all, Halle has to pretend she is all crushed out on him, and there is one scene where she even has to make out with him. (Ewww.)
Well, at least he is not as bad as creepy Giovanni Ribisi, who plays Rowena’s friend Miles. Miles is a computer wizard who can hack into anybody’s computer and do things that I don’t think computers can really do, but this is a Movie so you have to just accept it.
Miles has a HUGE crush on Rowena, like, of the quasi-stalker kind. And he’s always hanging out in her big huge apartment. It’s almost like he lives there, but who can blame him — because when we finally see his apartment it’s dark and creepy, like a really weird college kid might live in. And that’s even BEFORE we see his secret room that’s wallpapered with Porno!!!
I won’t tell you if Bruce or Giovanni or Gary Dourdan (who plays Halle’s cheating ex-boyfriend) is the one that really killed Grace. I wouldn’t want to spoil the ending, because it’s something you’ve gotta see for yourself, it is that insane.
The main reason to watch the movie is to see Halle Berry act her head off. You know she is a serious actress because there is a scene where she sees a dead body and vomits in a sink, but she looks good doing it. If that is not the definition of Star Quality, I don’t know what is!!!
She also eats direct from an open Ben & Jerry’s tub in one scene, and you almost believe she would do something like that in real life, until you look at her figure and realize Halle probably hasn’t put a carb in her mouth since 1992.
So I’m not saying “Perfect Stranger” is a good Movie, because as a matter of fact it is god-awful.
But I am glad to have been asked to write this column — even if it’s only because my lazy ex is too busy calling around town trying to get somebody to hook him up with Rosario Dawson while she is here this weekend at Atlanta Comics Expo. Ha! Ray Purlky getting a chance with her is about as likely as Giovanni Ribisi hooking up with Halle Berry — am I right?????
“PERFECT STRANGER”
• Naked breasts: I am simply going to ignore this.
• Dirty words: Yes. In fact, I was amazed by how many “f-words” the movie has!!!
• Best lines: “What are you doing later?” Halle asks her boyfriend, and he goes, “You.”
• The rest: Directed by James Foley. Rated R for sexual content, nudity, some disturbing violent images and language. At metro theaters. 1 hour, 49 minutes.
Some movies don’t wear out their welcome
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Exceeding three hours in length, the silent “Intolerance” was sure to be a taxing commitment. Having recently seen “Grindhouse” and endured other movies in need of more concise editing (“A.I.,” “Saving Private Ryan” — to pick on Steven Spielberg), could you recommend some short movies in the spirit of Woody Allen? I enjoyed the way — BAM! — “The Squid and the Whale” ended.
SAM NARTEN, Decatur
Dear Emeril,
Long is “Shoah.” And, trust me, at about 8.5 hours in length it is well worth the sitting.
Besides, as you should know, I am a giant fan of D.W. Griffith’s immortal 1916 “Intolerance.” So what if it lasted 3 hours and 17 minutes? I wanted it to last three days and 17 hours.
Your precious “The Squid and the Whale” clocks in at a brisk 81 minutes. I agree it’s a good movie.
Woody Allen-esque or not, I decided it’s best (who knows better than yours truly?) to just spray you with a good dose of films that operate quite well at under 90 minutes.
To wit: “Pieces of April” (2003; 80 minutes), “March of the Penquins” (2004; 85 minutes), “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” (2006; 84 minutes), “A Hard Day’s Night” (1964; 87 minutes) and “Toy Story” (1995; 81 minutes).
BTW, if anything needed a trim these days it was “Babel.”
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Borat” sexy bathing suit and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
In regards to your recent list of deserving yet unnominated Oscar performances, what about Val Kilmer in “Tombstone”?
ROBERT L. CRAWFORD, Thomasville
Dear You Asked,
I am reminded of a memory that has always pleased me.
My sons D.W. and Cecil B. weren’t wee lads at the time, but I sure was. It was a Saturday afternoon. I was watching college football on ABC. Chris Schenkel was the announcer (I never liked him; he seemed to overrelish moments when one of those annoying Northern teams like the Nitty Lions or the Woeverines would score).
During a game break, our blowhard announcer was required to interview David Carradine, the star of one of the network’s new shows at the time, “Kung Fu.”
Mr. Schenkel, who clearly knew nothing about anything, brightly asked, “So, what about this ‘Kung Fu’?”
And with it being 1972 in the still vibrant hippie era, Mr. Carradine promptly replied with readily apparent disdain, “What about it?”
Interview over.
Which leads me to reply, “What about Val Kilmer?”
I await his explanation for strangely chomping his teeth at Tom Cruise in “Top Gun.”
But Val seems to be more than adequate in “Tombstone.”
I would not have objected if he was nominated for best actor or supporting actor — except if he had displaced better performers and actual nominees at the time such as Tom Hanks (“Philadelphia”), Anthony Hopkins (“The Remains of the Day”), Laurence Fishburne (“What’s Love Got to Do With It”), Tommy Lee Jones (“The Fugitive”), Leonardo DiCaprio (“What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”) and, especially, Ralph Fiennes (“Schindler’s List”).
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Grindhouse” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
I can’t help noticing nearly every movie has about seven or eight producers. I see executive producers, co-executive producers, line producers, etc. What do all of these people do?
SHIRLEY MIKESELL, Kettering, Ohio
Dear P.A.,
The role of whatever producer is vitally important. Without them, who would bother the director? Who would force themselves into silly cameo appearances?
But, generally, a producer finds financing, oversees hiring of key people and arranges distribution. An executive producer handles only business and legal issues. A co-producer handles only some aspects of managing production. A line producer watches the budget and is often responsible for the people working on the film and the actual work. And an associate producer does what he or she is told to do by the producer.
There are variations and permutations and it all involves a lot more than I ever want to know.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “The Last Mimzy” space ball and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
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Some movies just make life worth living
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
“Grindhouse” has everything in it that you go to the movies for — brain-eating zombies, exploding heads, cars blowing up, and hot, topless lesbians kissing in front of a mirror.
And all that is just in the FIRST movie of the “Grindhouse” double bill!!! It’s called “Planet Terror,” written and directed by Robert Rodriguez, who shot the great “Mariachi” movies.
There was all this gossip while “Grindhouse” was shooting about how Rodriguez was getting a little too close with his star, Rose McGowan, and that’s why he and his wife — who’ve been together a hundred years and had 17,000 kids together — were splitting.
Well, “Planet Terror” kicks off with Rose swinging her half-naked self up and down and all around a stripper pole. And I’m sorry, Mrs. Almost-Ex-Rodriguez, I cannot blame the man. In fact, he could’ve shown just Rose and that stripper pole for all 191 minutes of “Grindhouse” and the movie would still be great — maybe even BETTER. (But I’ll talk about Quentin Tarantino’s half of the bill later.)
Once Rose leaves the stripper pole behind, “Planet Terror” goes [gonads]-to-the-wall crazy, in a good way. It never really makes much sense — but that’s in a good way, too, because since it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t matter if you have to go to the bathroom three or four times. (Did I mention it was 191 minutes?)
Rose plays Cherry Darling, and she hooks up with her ex, El Wray (Freddy Rodriguez), who drives a big truck — and a big truck is a good thing to have because the countryside is suddenly overrun by those zombies I mentioned.
Meanwhile, Marley Shelton and Josh Brolin are married doctors who hate each other. Turns out Marley used to be a lesbian with Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas, who is hitchhiking, trying to hook back up with her — but those zombies sadly come between their hot girl-on-girl action.
The movie is crazy full of cameos like Fergie’s. Bruce Willis shows up, and Sayid from “Lost” and Michael Biehn from “Terminator” and “Aliens.”
But my favorite of all is gore-makeup wizard Tom Savini, who plays a deputy. Savini was the biker in the first “Dawn of the Dead” who got his intestines slurped up like spaghetti by zombies. In “Planet Terror,” he one-ups that scene by letting the zombos rip his whole body apart into spurting chunks.
Tarantino also pops up on-screen as “The Rapist,” and he’s around just long enough to remind us why he should stay BEHIND the camera. Only, his movie that follows “Planet Terror” isn’t as convincing on that score as it ought to be.
But before “Death Proof” starts, there are three awesome trailers for fake movies. The best of them is by Eli Roth, the guy who directed “Hostel.” His fake movie is called “Thanksgiving,” and it will do for trampolines what “Jaws” did to the ocean. (That’s too bad, because the world would be a lot better place with more babes bouncing topless on trampolines!)
Then “Death Proof” starts, starring Kurt Russell as a psychopath killer called Stuntman Mike who mows women down in his 1971 Chevy Nova. And you think, What can go wrong?
Well, let me tell you what: Tarantino’s writing, that’s what. The first half of the movie is all about this group of women friends who spend the evening drinking beer and shots and talking, talking, talking about men problems and blah blah blah. Luckily, Tarantino throws in a lot of sweet ‘n’ gratuitous shots of their [buttocks] and [breasts]. And finally, finally, Kurt shows up, and he’s great and sleazy in that Snake-Plissken-gone-to-seed way that only he can do.
Then the killings start, and Russell has an awesome crash — but then the movie jumps ahead and dumps us in the middle of ANOTHER group of women talking about men troubles and blah blah blah. But at least one of them is Rosario (Hello!) Dawson, so that’s OK.
There’s also Zoe Bell, a real-life stuntwoman playing herself. And the movie picks up for real when she and Rosario and Tracie Thoms take a 1970 Dodge Challenger for a spin in the countryside. And Zoe wants to do the “ship’s mast” — which means she crawls out on the hood while the car is at top speed, with only a couple of leather straps to hold on to.
And that’s when Kurt shows up and tries to wreck them — and “Death Proof” becomes amazing.
About time, too, because up till then the girls yak so much about great road flicks like “Vanishing Point” and “Dirty Mary Crazy Larry” that you want to go, QUIT TALKING ABOUT MOVIES AND SHOW US ONE — am I right?
‘GRINDHOUSE’
• Naked breasts: Yes! Bouncing on a trampoline and backstage (rouged!) at a strip club!!!
• Dirty words: Wall-to-wall.
• Best lines: “It’s go-go, not cry-cry.” — What Cherry Darling’s boss tells her when she ends her go-go dance in tears.
• The rest: Directed by Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino. Rated R for strong graphic bloody violence and gore, pervasive language, some sexuality, nudity and drug use. At metro theaters. 3 hours, 11 minutes.
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How far will you go for the king of the monsters?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
My 7-year-old son and his little buddy are the next generation of “Godzilla” fans.
We have managed to purchase various “Godzilla” movies for his collection. But nothing would be cooler than for him to experience “Godzilla” on the silver screen, don’t you think?
I’d be willing to travel an hour or two for this special treat. Are there any theaters that show these classics?
SUE PASCALI, Loganville
Dear Mommie Sweetest,
A child’s proper education requires persistence and dedication. It is exactly why I drove my once wee son D.W. all the way to Fort Knox. He stood by the road (one cannot exactly enter, you understand) and sang the title tune to “Goldfinger.”
It is why he and his once wee brother Cecil B. were taken to the field of dreams in Iowa, where they played catch as nearby cornstalks swayed in the wind.
It is why D.W. stood on the formidable steps outside the “Exorcist” house in Washington. And it is why, in Germany, he traced the footsteps in Berlin of “Run, Lola, Run.”
So, Mommie, tell Mr. Smithee — how much do you really love your little tyke?
Do you love him enough to pack a lunch and drive, say, 350 miles so that he could have the thrill of his little lifetime?
The original Japanese “Godzilla” will be screened at 7 p.m. April 25 at the Griffith Film Theater at Duke University’s Bryan Center in Durham, N.C. Better yet, it’s free. More info: www.duke.edu/web/film/screensociety/SciFi2007.html.
If you insist on staying a little closer to home, I would suggest you pay great attention to the goings-on at Atlanta’s Plaza Theatre, which occasionally holds a “Silver Scream Spook Show.” www.plazaatlanta.com.
The screening in March involved “Mothra.” (Don’t you wish you had written to me earlier?) On April 28, the Plaza will show 1954’s “The Creature From the Black Lagoon.” A special kiddie matinee is at 1 p.m. Free for the kids 12 and under; $6 for Mommie Sweetest.
Also monitor the special events Web site section of the Starlight Six Drive-In Theaters, especially regarding this June’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Monster Bash. www.starlightdrivein.com.
ALAN
P.S. You get an “Are We Done Yet?” tool kit and enough “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirts to dress yourself, your son and his buddy.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Is there a name attached to the “Casino Royale” card game that’s the focus of James Bond’s latest attention? At a glance, it seemed like a “high roller” version of seven-card stud.
ROSS TUCKER, Woodstock
Dear Want to Join My Weekly Card Game?
Either you are kidding or my table needs a mark like you.
One of the recent cultural phenomena has been the surge in No Limit Texas Hold ‘Em, a simple but invigorating poker game. It is played not only by James Bond these days, but formidable foes such as Alan Smithee.
Players make their best hands out of five of seven cards — two dealt down to each player and the other five as face-up community cards in the center.
There are four rounds of betting, and at any time a player can go “all in,” betting all of his or her chips.
Mr. Smithee likes this game. And I like No Limit Hi/Lo Omaha even better. Each player gets four cards face down, and they make their best hands out of two of their down cards and three of the five face-up community cards. The high and low hands split the pot.
Ready to play?
At least to get in the mood, watch some old- and new-style poker and other card games in movies.
I’d suggest not only “Casino Royale,” but “Rounders” (1998), “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” (1998), “Big Hand for a Little Lady” (1966), “Kaleidoscope” (1966), “The Cincinnati Kid” (1965) and “California Split” (1974).
ALAN
P.S. You get a deck of “Pirates of the Caribbean” cards and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
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Season of hype is hot on our heels
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
It’s coming up on my love/hate part of the year … summer. It’s obvious that every studio wants us to believe that their big summer movie will be the biggest blockbuster of all time. I never want to believe the hype, but I usually find myself standing in long lines to see the movie anyway. Have there been any summer blockbusters that you believe lived up to their hype? And which ones coming up this summer are you actually looking forward to?
TIM WILLIAMS, Snellville
Dear This Just Can’t Be Summer Love,
Tennyson was completely wrong. In the spring, young men and their fancies definitely do not lightly turn to thoughts of love. They turn to dreams of explosions, invasions and superheroes.
Spring used to also mean May flowers. Now it just means encroachment by Hollywood’s summer movies.
With its emphasis squarely pointed at young male moviegoers, summer starts May 4 with “Spidey 3.” Before all the special effects and noise and hype subside in late August, there will be at least 13 sequels — count ‘em, a baker’s dozen — vying for your attention.
First, let’s just name them — “Spider-Man 3” (May 4), “28 Weeks Later” (May 11), “Shrek the Third” (May 18), “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” (May 25), “Day Watch” (June 1), “Hostel 2” (June 8), “Ocean’s 13” (June 8), “Fantastic Four 2” (June 15), “Evan Almighty” (June 22), “Live Free or Die Hard” (June 29), “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” (July 13), “The Bourne Ultimatum” (Aug. 3) and “Rush Hour 3” (Aug. 10).
And let us not forget summer movie maniac Michael Bay, who will dump “Transformers” in your lap on July 4. And there’s “The Simpsons Movie” (July 27), “The Invasion” (another remake of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” Aug. 17) and Rob Zombie’s sure-to-be-bloody “Halloween” (Aug. 31), a remake of the original.
Hollywood is expecting you will eat happy meals all summer and you better well like it. Those Mercedes- and Humvee-driving studio suits are darned tired of recent summer box office doldrums. Gasoline costs more in California, you realize.
So you want to know, Tim, which ones I am breathlessly awaiting? Let’s step through my personal selections in order by date:
“28 Weeks Later” (May 11) — I was a huge fan of director Danny Boyle’s zombified “28 Days Later,” despite the required happy ending. My enthusiasm for the new film, about Americans arriving in disease-riddled Britain to begin reclaiming the country, lies with the selection of Spanish director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo. He earlier made the intriguing “Intacto.”
“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” (May 25) — I cannot wait to see Keith Richards as Capt. Jack Sparrow’s papa, Teague Sparrow.
“Day Watch” (June 1) — More Russian vampires. What’s not to love?
“Live Free or Die Hard” (June 29) — We’ve always needed John McClane (Bruce Willis). And I look forward to any movie with Jeffrey Wright. (But note to studio: Hiring TV computer-commercial guy Justin Long to play your Internet hacker is just a little too gimmicky for me.)
“Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” (July 13) — Once Chris Columbus left the director’s chair, the series has gotten better and better. Why should it stop the trend now?
“The Bourne Ultimatum” (Aug. 3) — The most watchable spy series since Sean Connery’s James Bond.
As for summer blockbusters that lived up to their hype, I would say … “Godzilla.”
Gotcha. Ha ha. Just kidding.
Now for real.
“Twister.”
Ha ha. No way. Just funnin’.
Now for real for real.
“Jurassic Park.” “Terminator 2: Judgment Day.” “Independence Day.” “The Empire Strikes Back.” “Return of the Jedi.” “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.” “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.” “The Bourne Supremacy.” “Finding Nemo.” “Bad Boys II.” “Spider-Man.” “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.” “Gladiator.” “Air Force One.” “Apollo 13.” “The Lion King.” “Speed.” “The Untouchables.” “Predator.” “Alien.” And “Aliens.”
ALAN
P.S. You get a Roy Hobbs baseball for “The Natural,” which was another fine May movie more than a few years ago, and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
My favorite movies consist primarily of ones I’ve never been able to see in theaters, such as “2001: A Space Odyssey” or “Pulp Fiction” (I am 15). I’ve recently been looking into “classic” (read: old) movie screenings in the Atlanta area, but haven’t had much success. Could you recommend any movie screenings that show older or classic films? I want to get the whole experience of seeing the movies instead of just a living room one.
ADAM WADLEY, Atlanta
Dear Bless You, My Child,
There really is nothing like seeing a great, classic film with an enraptured audience in a big theater.
I would suggest the following:
Pay a lot of attention to the goings-on at the Plaza Theatre. The owners are trying offbeat programming that sometimes includes classics in the vein of “2001” and “Pulp Fiction.”
For example, on Tuesday the theater will have an art show of Polaroid photographs by Valerie Taylor, Matt Pensworth and Lee Summers that will be accompanied by a screening of Michelangelo Antonioni’s 1966 British art-house wonder “Blow-Up” with David Hemmings and Vanessa Redgrave.
Later this month, the Atlanta Film Festival will screen Charles Burnett’s “Killer of Sheep” (3:30 p.m. April 22 at Landmark’s Midtown Art Cinema). The High Museum of Art will show Jean Renoir’s remarkable “The Rules of the Game” on April 21 and is planning a series of old swashbucklers, including “The Man in the Iron Mask,” in June (www.high.org).
And don’t forget to be on the lookout for this summer’s film festival at the Fox Theatre. They sometimes show classics (last year the Fox showed “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” “The Miracle Worker,” “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly,” “The Maltese Falcon” and “Key Largo”). The lineup will be announced in May (www.foxtheatre.org).
Plus, there is always the free summertime Screen on the Green, which shows older films outdoors in Piedmont Park. The schedule for this year: “Casablanca” (May 31), “Car Wash” (June 7), “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” (June 14), “Funny Girl” (June 21) and “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial” (June 28).
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Grindhouse” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
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