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May 2007
Forget the plot and focus on Orlando (sigh)
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This is LaDonna Potter and I am writing about the wonderful and Romantic movie “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.” Whew! Try saying THAT three times fast!
Now the second “Pirates” movie just came out last July, but I would recommend that you try and watch it again before you go see the new one. I didn’t remember a lot of what happened in “Dead Man’s Chest.” But that’s because my sweetie Guillermo was kissing on me in the back row and hand-feeding me Pulparindos, which are these AMAZING sweet-and-sour candies that his cousin Omar smuggled over the Border from Mexico.
Anyway, just for an example of how confusing the last movie was, I had forgot that one of the Characters in “Pirates” had their Heart locked up in a box — and that reminded me of that funny “[Male Reproductive Organ] in a Box” song that Justin Timberlake did on “Saturday Night Live.”
Justin Timberlake is not in “Pirates,” he is in “Shrek 3,” but Orlando Bloom is in “Pirates,” and I would take ANYTHING in a box that he wanted to give me!!! :-o
Orlando plays Will Turner, and he is ready to double-cross Capt. Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp, who is all hairy and looks smelly, but I would let him cook me Breakfast anytime, no offense Guillermo sweetie!). Will wants to steal Capt. Jack’s boat the Black Pearl and save his Dad, who is stuck on Davy Jones’ cursed ship. Only Capt. Jack is dead, and the Black Pearl was destroyed in “Pirates 2.” But anything can happen in a movie like this!
Will joins up with Capt. Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), who was also dead once (see what I mean!?!). They go to China and find the Map that will lead them to Capt. Jack in Davy Jones’ Locker, which is like Hell if Hell had white sandy beaches and millions of Crabs. Keira Knightley is also in the movie as Will’s girlfriend Elizabeth. I almost forgot her because she looks like a toothpick in a Blonde wig. I wish Hollywood would hire Actresses who look like real women instead of skinny Boys!!!
When they get to China, they hook up (not THAT way — ha-ha!) with Chinese pirate Chow Yun-Fat, who was in that “Crouching Dragon” movie where everybody flew around with Swords like Peter Pan, only Chinese. Chow’s face is so scarred in “Pirates” it looks like he leaned too close to the Chef at Benihana! And he wears Press-On nails as long as the girl that bags my groceries at the Kroger. I read a scientific study once where they tested the undersides of those nails and they were chock-full of Fecal matter. (Ick.)
OK, so Orlando and the rest of them get Johnny Depp out of Hell by turning their boat upside down (don’t ask me!!!). And dead people float under the water, and there is that prissy little English dwarf in a white wig who wants to put everybody in jail. [Editor’s note: Tom Hollander as Lord Cutler Beckett.] There is also a freaky woman who grows, like, 50 feet tall. Then she explodes into a million Crabs, like it is Hell all over again. (No, I did not have anything to drink before the movie, that’s really what happens!!!)
Then there is a really long battle scene between two ships caught in a giant whirlpool, but I had to take a call in the lobby from my g.f. Torine, who is struggling with some recent hormone issues and was asking did I know any good Electrolocists (sp??). I missed half the battle, but Guillermo said it was muy awesome.
At the end, what makes the movie so Romantic is how far Will and Elizabeth go for the sake of their love. Personally, I would think Orlando Bloom would be happier with a Girlfriend that weighed more than a roast chicken (WITHOUT the stuffing!!!). But there is no accounting for love. People sometimes laughed at me and Guillermo when we first “hooked up,” but what do they know about the Heart — except that in the real world you can’t lock something as powerful as the Heart in a box — am I right (ha-ha!!!)???
It’s a rare trilogy that impresses across the board
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
My family and I recently saw “Spider-Man 3” and were very impressed. We know that critics usually and rightly dish out bad reviews on the third part of any trilogy. Could you please recommend other trilogies that we could watch that are as good as the “Spider-Man” set?
BRIDGETTE DENNIS, Hoschton
Dear Think Again,
I understand your point of view because I did sit through “The Godfather, Part III,” which, compared with its wondrous predecessors, was an offer anyone should refuse.
Many trilogies do have problems. Like “The Matrix” (after a great opening film it got dumber as it got more convoluted). And “Mission: Impossible” (a series that has yet to work but oddly has actually improved despite the overenergetic Tom Cruise). And “Shrek” (I grant anyone the right to adore this bombast, but that also means I personally don’t have to like it).
“The Terminator” is great. The sequel also great. The next sequel merely so-so. Same for “Scream” and “Mad Max” and their spawn.
Now Bridgette, you, my dear, have not granted me specific knowledge of your family’s ages or family rules about PG-13 and R movies or other details.
But, being me, I will speak on various levels about trilogies.
The best trilogy - without question - is “The Lord of the Rings” movies. Watch the extended versions on DVD.
My once wee sons, D.W. and Cecil B., would insist you watch the “Back to the Future” films.
More definitely, you should partake of the entire “Pirates of the Caribbean” series (as if you already don’t). And there is no excuse for missing out on the three “Naked Gun” movies. Leslie Nielsen, thy performances equate genius.
And especially since this day marks the 30th anniversary of “Star Wars,” I would be remiss not to recommend the excellent original trilogy. (Of special note: I even like the Ewoks.)
Know that I tired of “Austin Powers” after the first film, that there are elements of Ice Cube’s “Friday” movies that make me laugh and occasions when I can eke some minimal value out of the “X-Men” films.
That said, I’d also like to mention a few wonderful trilogies that I’m not confident your family would enjoy. You did indicate “Spidey” left you and yours “very impressed.” Personally, I think it about ran out of gas.
Anyway, these trilogies are for older, more mature audiences. I like them mucho: Clint Eastwood’s spaghetti Westerns (“A Fistful of Dollars,” “For a Few Dollars More” and “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly”), Park Chan-wook’s vengeance series (“Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance,” “Oldboy” and “Sympathy for Lady Vengeance”), Nicolas Winding Refn’s violence-laden “Pusher” films, and the “Evil Dead” movies (including “Army of Darkness”).
I also have a few recommendations for art film trilogies, including the late Krzysztof Kieslowski’s “Red,” “White” and “Blue”; Godfrey Reggio’s “Koyaanisqatsi,” “Powaqqatsi” and “Naqoyqatsi”; Satyajit Ray’s “Apu” trilogy; Deepa Mehta’s “Fire,” “Earth” and “Water”; and Lars von Trier’s experimental “The Element of Crime,” “Epidemic” and “Europa.”
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Norbit” pool inner tube and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
I just read that Cameron Diaz earns eight figures for providing the voice for Fiona in the “Shrek” movies. I find this absolutely absurd … who is supposed to care that Cameron Diaz is the voice of Fiona? Do you think that it is necessary to have “stars” provide the voices in animated films aimed for a youth audience? I’m sure the kids don’t care.
MARI-ANN WISE, Gainesville
Dear Au Contraire,
Clearly you know nothing of how the biz works in Hollywood.
If someone we had never heard of voiced the role of Fiona, then who would have walked the red carpet at Cannes for the first film’s unveiling? Who would be on the cover of glossy magazines for interviews revealing nothing of importance? Who, pray tell, would have helped lure her pop-idol boyfriend into the third film only to have their relationship sour so they both have to show up at the premiere unattached to each other, which creates only more gossipy interest?
So, you tell me, Mari-Ann.
You tell me why a studio should be more concerned about its story than with that story’s expensive marketing plan.
Besides, I’ve seen “Shrek the Third.” And to be truthful, Diaz probably does the best job of all involved anyway.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Transformers” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
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These eyes have seen some very beautiful sights
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Can you tell me which stars are as attractive off-screen as on? I was told that Lana Turner was stunning. True?
HOLT MASTIN, Atlanta
Dear Here’s Hoping You Have Crow’s-Feet,
Really - how old do you think I am anyway?
Do I look 70? Don’t answer.
My friend, I am much too young to have been allowed the pure pleasure of gazing with my very eyes at the lovely Lana Turner.
To be truthful, the first celebrity I ever saw in person was Jo Anne Worley. It was more than several years after her stint on “Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.”
I wouldn’t call her stunning.
We happened to be touring the Capitol at the same time in Washington. She seemed to be slightly miffed that tourists recognized her. It’s not like she was honking for attention. Even so, she wore a full-length fur coat in summer, which, to me at least, suggests some sort of need for notoriety.
Lately, I often think of Ned Beatty. Not because he’s any beauty but because in “Rudy,” near that wonderful football film’s wonderful climax, he enters Notre Dame stadium and says in stunned speech, “This is the most beautiful sight these eyes have ever seen.”
Mine eyes have seen face-to-face a number of stunning ladies. Penelope Cruz, for instance. Marisa Tomei, for sure. Maria Bello. Natalie Portman. Alfre Woodard (she was in a fur coat, too, but it was at Sundance and it was cold and there was snow).
Halle Berry - you bet. Diane Lane. Catherine Zeta-Jones. Michele Pfeiffer - oh, yes (she stopped the entire room). Vivica A. Fox. Helena Bonham Carter.
But what might be even more important is the woman who struck me as looking so much better in person than on the big screen - JoBeth Williams. 1984. Chicago. “Teachers.” I hardly remember the movie, but meeting her in person, her face is etched in my memory forever.
ALAN
P.S. You get a can of “Hannibal Rising” fava beans and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
P.P.S. I should tack on a little note to the dear ladies who weekly devour my every word. (And you thought you’d been forgotten, didn’t you?)
I am here to confirm your most precious dream. George Clooney is indeed handsome. As stunning in person as you want him to be. And as you need him to be.
P.P.P.S. Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and Terrence Howard, too.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
My husband and I, who are avid movie buffs, read the review of “Lonely Hearts” in the New Yorker about a month ago and couldn’t wait for it to come to Atlanta. The reviewer gave it a good review. We went to see it at the Plaza with about eight other people.
Both of us thought the movie was good. We are puzzled as to why it isn’t being shown at one of the other art theaters around town like the Tara or Midtown. It is certainly better than some of the movies we have seen lately that had a much wider release.
NANCY FOSKEY, Atlanta
Dear Artsy Type,
For better or worse, an art theater is still a business. And some certainly are in the business of making money.
Now, some art films are so small they don’t open everywhere at once but begin by opening only in New York and Los Angeles and perhaps a few other places. The hope is that good word-of-mouth will help sell the film because there’s not enough money to compete with “Shrek” ads.
The film you mentioned - “Lonely Hearts” - opened April 13 in 23 theaters nationwide and pulled in a respectable $3,496-per-screen average. In subsequent weeks, its box office dropped 49.2 percent, then 59.5 percent, then 75.9 percent. That suggests that no matter how good the reviews, moviegoers aren’t taking to the film.
On the other hand, another recent film, “Away From Her” with Julie Christie, opened May 4 in 13 theaters nationwide with an invigorating $8,817-per-screen average, and by the next week, its box office had risen by 178 percent.
So one can imagine that the bigger art house franchises might be more inclined to lean toward art films with a track record of making money.
We need to be thankful that the Plaza is here to take the big risks. Otherwise, you probably would have had to wait to see “Lonely Hearts” on DVD.
ALAN
P.S. You get a collector’s edition DVD of “Cinema Paradiso” and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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Who’s your favorite animated character?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The summertime battle at the box office begins with ‘Shrek’ and ‘Spidey’. If you had to pick from all the animated characters of all time, which one would be your favorite?
Notes from the Cannes Film Festival: Day 9
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
(Note: Charles Ealy of the Austin American-Statesman has been a Cannes regular for the past decade. His postings will continue throughout the festival, which officially begins May 16 and ends May 27.)
The “Ocean’s Thirteen” cast brought a lot of star power to the Croisette on Thursday, but most of the questions at a press conference were fended off with jokes.
Poor Matt Damon ended up being the butt of most of the joking, and you have to wonder whether he was the guy most picked on during the filming.
When an Australian reporter tried to ask Damon a question about doing so many sequels, Damon couldn’t figure out where the reporter was standing and started mumbling. So the reporter kept saying, “Matt, over here, Matt, over here.”
This brought a bunch of catcalls from the rest of the cast, namely from Don Cheadle, who started rolling in laughter.
Damon eventually responded that he felt a bit “like a prostitute because I’ve done two number three’s this year,” referring the third part of the Ocean’s series and the upcoming third part of the Bourne series. This prompted fellow cast member George Clooney to jokingly interject.”He’s also done three number twos.”
And when director Steven Soderbergh was asked about the difficulties of trying to herd such an all-star cast, including Clooney, Cheadle, Damon, Brad Pitt and Elliott Gould, Soderbergh said the biggest problem was getting them to stand on their marks.
This prompted yet another round from Cheadle, who kept saying, “Matt, over here! Matt, over here!” Damon took the joking in stride and said he was open to doing yet a fourth Ocean’s movie, but Clooney sounded more pessimistic. “I think we have sapped this tree.”
Damon also confirmed that the upcoming Bourne movie will be his last in the series.
Clooney fielded most of the questions and set the tone, when he announced that “Ocean’s Thirteen” is “basically a cry for peace.”
Notably absent from the press conference was Al Pacino, who plays an evil casino operator who double-crosses Elliott Gould’s character, Reuben. This prompts the Danny Ocean group to set up a robbery to punish Pacino.
Jerry Weintraub, the producer, said Pacino couldn’t make it because he was doing an American Film Institute tribute.
The most surprising moment of the press conference came when a Hong Kong reporter questioned whether the movie was stereoptying Chinese with the portrayal of acrobat Yen, played by Shaobao Qin. The actor responded that he didn’t view his character as “clownish, “and that Ocean’s Thirteen was “just entertainment.”
If it’s about great visual effects, then where’s ‘300’?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I give Hollywood’s Visual Effects Society props for many of its selections for the 50 most influential special effects films of all time. “Star Wars” at No. 1 - absolutely. “Blade Runner” and “2001: A Space Odyssey” following at No. 2 and No. 3 - yes.
But then it starts to get tricky.
Movies like the original “King Kong,” each of the “Lord of the Rings” films (especially “Return of the King”) and “The Terminator” should be ranked higher. And, clearly, the visual effects guild should have made some allowance for “300,” which didn’t make the list and most certainly will be influential.
What do you think of the guild’s list? What films got left out? Which ones are ranked too low?
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Song and dance isn’t why we go to Spidey flicks
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If you’re going to see “Spider-Man 3” — and I’m talking to the 17 people in the country who haven’t yet — you’d better not drink anything for a coupla hours ahead of time. Or, if you do, you’d be wise to invest in a Stadium Pal.
That’s how long the movie is. And I wish I could totally say that it’s worth the strain it puts on your bladder. And it is. Except for the parts where it isn’t. And there’s way too many of those.
Like, for instance, that long scene near the start where Mary Jane (Kirsten Dunst) walks down a stairway in a Broadway show and sings a loooong, dull song. Or the scene where Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) does this dance routine in a jazz club.
And I’m like, is this supposed to be a musical? Or did somebody slip some mushroom juice in my Coke?
This time around, Peter and MJ are dating, and everybody in New York is a fan of Spider-Man. Peter goes, “They love me,” and he lets it go to his head.
Meanwhile, Mary Jane gets fired from her Broadway show after opening night, on account of some bad reviews — which is about as hard to swallow as a guy who can shoot webs out of his wrists and swing from skyscrapers.
Even worse, MJ doesn’t tell Peter she got canned. And he meets her at a fancy restaurant and wants to propose, but neither one of them says the right thing and they talk right past each other and the whole thing gets all angsty and boring, and even Bruce Campbell as a snooty French waiter can’t save the day.
I mean, without all these talky-talk scenes the movie would be a good hour shorter and a whole lot better. And don’t even get me started on mouthy Aunt May, who deserves a ball gag for Christmas.
Luckily, there’s some great action scenes. But there have to be when there’s three (yes, THREE) villains for Spidey to fight. Which is about two too many.
First there’s Harry (James Franco), who fights Peter with the Green Goblin gadgets because he thinks Peter killed his dad. Only then Harry gets amnesia and forgets he was trying to kill Peter. Then he eats a magical omelet and loses his amnesia and decides to kill Peter after all. Though in the end he may decide to help Peter fight the other two villains instead.
Seriously, it’s like a roomful of second-graders wrote the script for this movie while drinking 32-ounce Mountain Dews.
The second villain is shape-shifting Sandman (Thomas Haden Church). Then there’s a piece of black space poo that crashes in Central Park, approximately 2 feet from where Peter just happens to be, and follows him home, then turns itself into a new black suit for Spider-Man. And Peter doesn’t even go, “Hmmm, I don’t know where this new black suit came from — but it makes my pecs pop, so who cares?”
He just puts it on, and it makes him do weird [excrement]. He struts down the street like he’s in “Saturday Night Fever,” with these bangs slanting down across his right eye, like the emo love child of Tony Manero and Hitler. The suit also makes him do that lame-o dance I mentioned.
Then, for some reason or other, Peter rips off the black suit. And it turns back into oozy space-poo and plops down on that kid from “That ’70s Show” [Editor’s note: Topher Grace], who then turns into a big, poo-colored monster with fangs and fights Spidey, alongside the Sandman.
At this point, the Sandman has figured out how to grow to be enormous. He looks a lot like the big, dumb, snot-nosed troll in the first Harry Potter movie. No, I take it back — he’s more like the “Ghostbusters” Stay-Puft giant. And that, my friends, is not scary.
After the movie, when I was in the bathroom watering the porcelain, a few questions came to me.
How come the scientists who are conducting their superimportant particle physics experiment with a pile of sand are doing it in the middle of the night? And why don’t they have a camera or a window on their test site to make sure that someone — like, say, an escaped convict — hasn’t fallen into the sand, so that they don’t accidentally zap him and restructure his molecules so that he can become a superpowered villain?
And why did they even bother to cast Bryce Dallas Howard as Gwen Stacy, when the only thing she gets to do in the whole movie is fall off a skyscraper and get rescued by Spidey and make Mary Jane jealous?
And why hasn’t anybody prescribed antidepressants for Mary Jane, because she has become a big, honking drag — am I right?
‘SPIDER-MAN 3’ aka ‘SPIDEY 3 TIMES LONGER THAN IT NEEDS TO BE’
• Naked breasts: No, but that’s OK, since Mary Jane and Gwen are pretty flat-chested.
• Dirty words: Nope.
• Best lines: “I fell 62 floors, and someone caught me!” — Gwen Stacy
• The rest: Directed by Sam Raimi. Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense action violence. At metro theaters. 2 hours, 20 minutes.
Permalink | Comments (5) | Categories: The 'B' Movie King
Your oracle does his best to part mists of time
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
I am 10 years old and am very interested in the motion picture “300.” I already own the Frank Miller graphic novel and “300: The Art of the Film,” so I already know a lot. I just have a couple of questions about the film itself. How historically accurate is “300”? It is under my assumption that it was 300 Spartans against a million Persians from the trailer and book, but I have my doubts. Also, did the character Theron really exist? If so, how about Stelios, Dilios and Astinos?
VINCENT BORELLO, Palm Beach Gardens, Fla.
Dear Master Vinny,
I don’t know too many 10-year-olds who use words like “motion picture” and “under my assumption.”
The 10-year-olds I have known point to toys or basketball shoes and say things like, “But I really need it and it only costs $185.”
Your parents must be very proud. And, apparently, there are rules at your house because it doesn’t appear that you have seen the movie “300.” Why should you? It’s rated R.
Anyway, I’m not sure anyone anywhere knows precisely what happened at the Battle of Thermopylae. It is chronicled in the “Histories of Herodotus,” and one must realize that when the bloody skirmish occurred in 480 B.C., Herodotus was but a wee lad of about 4.
Not that kids can’t be bright. But since it was much later that Herodotus actually got to writing, one must suspect the facts could get a little mushy.
Historians have debated and theorized for years about the battle. Herodotus apparently believed there were more than 2.6 million in the Persian force at Thermopylae, which was about half of the total army used to invade Greece. Others scoff at that, saying the little availability of water would mean the Persian force would not top 250,000.
There were 300 Spartans, but also more than 5,000 to 7,000 other Greeks at the battle. Ultimately, most of the Greeks left when the Persians found the handy end-around route. That left your 300 Spartans, up to 900 Helot slaves and maybe about 800 or so Thespians and Thebans.
As the story goes, those who remained to face the Persians fought valiantly to their deaths.
Clearly, there was a King Leonidas. He led the Spartans.
The not-always-accurate Wikipedia claims that Dilios, played by Faramir (i.e. David Wenham), is based on the real-life Spartan he-man Aristodemus, who had an eye injury and was ordered to go home by Leonidas.
Aristodemus was a rather unlucky fellow. It seems another injured warrior also was sent back, but the second warrior, who was blinded, had his Helot slave lead him back to the battlefield, entered the fray and died. Aristodemus didn’t and was considered a coward.
I have found no reference for the other characters you mention.
But I did find reference to Pantites. One of the 300, he was dispatched by Leonidas to Thessaly. Pantites didn’t make it back in time to fight the Persians. He, too, was disgraced in Sparta. So, according to Wikipedia, he hanged himself.
ALAN
P.S. You get the only “300” T-shirt I have left and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Why do people who talk during movies get defensive when asked to be quiet, and act offended that you would even suggest their behavior was inappropriate? I ran into this again this week during “Fracture,” when I asked people in front of me to “shhhhh” after about an hour of their jibber-jabber. I was told to “shhhh my [expletive] self.” Then, when I asked them to be quiet, I was yelled at and told to move. In order to stop it, I would have had to go get management, causing me to miss even more of the movie. What can we, as polite movie patrons, do about such an epidemic?
CARL CLAYMORE, Lawrenceville
Dear Clearly You Don’t Understand,
This is my personal space, see. And what I do in my personal space is my business. You do not touch me. You do not speak to me. Was I talking to you? I don’t think so. I’m trying to have a conversation here and now you are bothering me. …
Now understand this, Carl.
Most people today are whiny morons who lack decency, respect for others and even the slightest inkling of what courtesy means.
You have only two options (I will not condone violence).
Option one: Move.
Option two: Go find management and demand the offenders be removed. Or ask for your money back.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Pan’s Labyrinth” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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Proof not all British films put you to sleep!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
“Hot Fuzz” is the kind of movie that never stops giving. There’s a little something here for everybody. It’s a comedy, it’s an awesome action flick, and it’s probably the tenderest love story since, well, “Love Story.”
There’s some great, splattery gore in it, too!
This is from the guys who made the great zombie movie “Shaun of the Dead,” and Shaun himself (aka actor Simon Pegg) comes back. Only this time, he’s Nicholas Angel, one of London’s toughest, baddest cops, with the most arrests (and on-the-job injuries) of anybody in the city.
And that’s why he gets shipped out to the countryside, because he’s making everybody else on the police force look lame.
The place they send him is called Sandford, and as far as twee British villages go, this one is the twee-iest. It’s all cobblestones and knickknack shops, and everybody’s always eating cake and drinking tea.
They also spend their nights at the local pub, which is where Nick gets to work, tossing out all the underage kids pounding down pints. He starts busting people for drunk driving and graffiti and stuff like that.
He’s a real stickler, and I was fixing to walk out on the movie because at the start he comes off like a total [male reproductive organ]. You know, the kind of cop who pulls you over for a busted tail light then asks you why you have one of those deodorizers hanging from your rear-view and sticks his nose through the window and starts sniffing for a whiff of weed, like he’s some kind of K-9 police dog at the airport?
I hate cops like that.
Anyway, Nicholas is so uptight, he insists that you don’t say “policeman,” you say “police officer.” When his new partner Danny (Nick Frost) calls their colleague Doris a policewoman, Nick says she isn’t one. And Danny goes, “Yes, she is — I’ve seen her bra!”
Danny is the guy who slowly gets Nick to pull out the broomstick he’s got stuck [where the sun don’t shine]. And this is where the movie’s big love story kicks in — between Danny and Nick.
And no, I don’t mean it like THAT. But Danny has this major man-crush on Nick. He follows him around like a big, tubby puppy, asking if, back in the big city, Nick ever fired a gun in each hand while leaping through the air, like they do in movies. And here’s the thing — Nick doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
So Danny starts showing him the DVDs of “Point Break” and “Bad Boys II,” and a true partnership is formed.
And that’s a good thing, because this is about the same time that Nick starts figuring out that all the accidental deaths happening around town are murders in disguise. (Those are the good-and-gory parts I was talking about.) And Nick is pretty sure the murderer is Simon Skinner (Timothy Dalton), the local grocery store owner who always seems to putter past the scene of a crime whenever one goes down.
I won’t give away if he’s the killer or not. Because whodunnit doesn’t matter. What matters is that the people who made “Hot Fuzz” watched enough action movies to know that the only way to end one the right way is to have a dozen or so people shooting at each other and smashing windows and turning wood into matchsticks from the combined firepower. Even better is if you set off a bomb that vaporizes a whole city block!
Man, this movie made me want to go to England!
Anyway, if you go see it, keep your eyes peeled because there’s a bunch of cool cameos, like from Bill Nighy (Davy Jones in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” flicks). And Nick’s ex-girlfriend, who shows up as a CSI inspector wearing a mask so you can only see her eyes? That’s Cate Blanchett. And the bum dressed as Santa Claus who stabs Nick in the hand? You won’t be able to recognize him, but that’s Peter Jackson. That’s how cool this movie is — everybody wanted to have a part in it.
But to be totally honest, I think I like “Shaun of the Dead” a little more than “Hot Fuzz.” That’s just because zombies rule. But “Fuzz” comes mighty close.
I mean, you can’t go wrong watching people’s heads get lopped off with an ax, or somebody else’s head get squashed into raspberry jam by a falling steeple, or a scene where Nick leaps through the air and kicks an old lady in the face and breaks her nose. That’s what good moviemaking is all about — am I right?
‘HOT FUZZ’
• Naked breasts: No way — these people are British.
• Dirty words: Nothing that’ll make your ears bleed.
• Best line: “He’s not Judge Judy and executioner.” — Danny, who doesn’t get the phrase “judge, jury and executioner.”
• The rest: Directed by Edgar Wright. Rated R for violent content, including some graphic images, and language. At metro theaters. 2 hours, 1 minute.
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These probably are favorites of the Mighty Thor
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
With “Pathfinder” leaving those of us yearning for the adventures of the Scandinavian seamen in the cold (I refuse to see it, and pray that God may direct the fury of the Norsemen in director Marcus Nispel’s direction), what movies besides the underappreciated 1958 Kirk Douglas classic “The Vikings” can you recommend with a Viking bent?
CHARLIE YOW, Marietta
Dear Eric the Rouge,
Ditto. I wasn’t much inclined either to venture toward any film made by the man who only a few years ago constructed such a ridiculous remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
And was “The Vikings,” with not only Kirk Douglas but also Tony Curtis, underappreciated? Certainly not by Mr. Smithee or, for that matter, any other male in the clan (most notably my once-wee sons D.W. and Cecil B.).
I recall D.W.’s wonderment about how Curtis’ character, Eric, got one of his hands lopped off by a sword.
We saw Mr. Curtis in the flesh a few years ago at a bookstore where he was signing copies of his autobiography. D.W., a mere innocent at the time, inquired about how effects were done to leave Curtis handless on one arm.
A cheery Curtis leapt to his feet, squinched one of his hands under the cuff of a long shirt sleeve and stood there smiling, appearing minus one appendage to a young D.W. with eyes bugged out and mouth clearly agape.
To be truthful, Chuck, I haven’t seen too many Viking movies. I did appreciate “The 13th Warrior” with Antonio Banderas as an Arab tagging along with vigorous Vikings and fighting a monster horde.
Some movie lovers speak highly of the Viking trilogy from Icelandic director Hrafn Gunnlaugsson - “When the Raven Flies” (1984), “The Shadow of the Raven” (1988) and “The White Viking” (1991). Good luck finding any of those on DVD or video.
There is Mario Bava’s 1966 “Knives of the Avenger” (aka “Viking Massacre”) with Cameron Mitchell, Disney’s limp 1974 “The Island at the Top of the World” and the made-in-Iceland “The Viking Sagas” from 1995.
Some people seem to like 1964’s “The Long Ships” with Richard Widmark, Sidney Poitier and Russ Tamblyn. Thou must not count Mr. Smithee among them.
But I am emboldened by two upcoming Viking movies.
The Weinstein Co. is in post-production on “Outlander,” starring Jim Caviezel (“The Passion of the Christ”) as an alien who brings his fight with a ferocious thingee to Earth during the Iron Age, pulling Vikings into the battle.
Can you say “Predator”?
“Outlander” could be ready by October.
A bet I like even better is “Valhalla Rising,” a Danish project reuniting “Pusher” trilogy director Nicolas Winding Refn with formidable actor Mads Mikkelsen (“Casino Royale,” “After the Wedding”). “Valhalla” is set to begin filming in August in Scotland and Louisiana. Details: www.ipsofactofilms.com/films/valhalla_rising.html.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Grindhouse” action figure and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
I’VE GOT MAIL: Some readers don’t have questions. They just have love.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Alan, you are right about everything - even Chris Schenkel. Always thought he was a lightweight airhead. Glad to know someone agrees.
JOHN INGERSOLL, Emory University
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Love your column, and the one on April 27 about gardening movies was great. Particularly inspired was the call out for Monty Python and the Knights Who Say Ni. Classic!
However, you missed the most obvious choice (and a darn good movie to boot): How about Peter Sellers as Chauncey Gardiner in “Being There”?
GARY McGRATH, Marietta
(Quick note to Gary: I am so not obvious.)
Dear Mr. Smithee,
I moved to the loveliest village of Auburn from Atlanta nearly four years ago to accept a job at the university here, befitting my love of higher learning. … I search online for you weekly, but it just isn’t the same as having the column in hand to point to and say, usually to my husband, “See? According to Mr. Smithee, I’m right!”
Be assured this shameless flattery is genuine.
DEEDIE DOWDLE, Auburn, Ala.
(Additional quick note: All of you will be receiving “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirts).
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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