When the family loves the Ex
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Enough of my problems. Today’s topic comes from a MIA reader who needs some help. Meet “Odd Man Out,” a divorced father whose family insists on inviting his ex to family functions. Here’s what he wrote in a couple emails to yours truly. (I am editing for length):
I have succumbed to not attending these functions because of the “ick” factor, but miss my family as the familial bonds have practically ended since I am missing important dates.
My family does not see the problem…
There were none of the typical reasons that marriages/relationships falter. No mention of infidelity, abuse, finance troubles, or any of the “biggies”. Our daughter was born in October. We married in December (not because of being pregnant). We had been discussing it all along, but this just helped make the decision final. In April, I arrived home from work and was notified that she didn’t feel like being married or a parent.
In the beginning she was not invited on family functions. Weirdly, this began after I became involved with someone else after being alone for three years! (I am raising our daughter.) I should also mention that this seems to be spearheaded by my brother’s household, but they assume the role of social planners and plan most of the functions. No clue as to what happened to cause anyone to “choose sides.” She just began receiving invitations.
I have had a discussion with [my brother] and his response was that if a person is mature and reasonable, being around your exes shouldn’t pose a problem.
“Odd Man Out” wants to know a few things. 1) Does this seem appropriate to any of you? 2) How should he communicate his thoughts to his family? And 3) How should he handle these functions now that he is dating someone new?
Sidenote: I’m embarking on a two-day business trip today and will be largely MIA on the MIA blog. I’ll try to check in when I get a WiFi connection on the road. Be good to “OMO!”
Permalink | Comments (268) | Post your comment | Categories: Family
Is timing really everything?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Good morning all! My apologies for recent technical problems. Just know I’m on it and our tech crew is trying to work it out. Thanks for your patience!
And now to today’s topic…
When my first love and I broke up in college, we said to each other that had we met in our late 20s we likely would have gotten married. Easy to say, of course, given that we were then just 19 and 21 years old.
We had our problems, but often chalked them up to timing; we thought we were simply too young for a marriage-bound relationship. We stopped talking for the most part, but then one of us would place a random call for coffee or dinner every year or so. And each time, we reminisced about the good and bad of our relationship and discussed getting back together….eventually.
I graduated and moved away. He joined the military and moved even further. We last saw each other two years ago and just as we had since our split, we fell into the “I still love yous” that had plagued us since 2000.
But as always, the timing “wasn’t right,” especially given our careers and physical distance.
Sometimes I wonder if timing had nothing to do with it at all. If two people honestly care about and want eachother, can said present challenges stand in the way? Is “timing” just an excuse for not really wanting to be with someone?
When has timing impacted your relationships? Looking back, was it really about the time or about your interest? I’m open for all thoughts on why timing really is everything.
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Seeing the ex: fight or flight?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My friend “Jasmine” was at a salsa club Saturday taking men by storm with her dance moves. But then she noticed a familiar face — her ex-boyfriend’s.
Though they broke up last March, she immediately lost her confidence. Her smile faded, her dance steps slowed, and before we knew it, “Jasmine” was having a panic attack in the ladies room. She insisted that she wanted to leave before he saw her.
“Jasmine” was experiencing fight or flight and was praying for some wings, so my girlfriend pulled her aside for some straight talk. Wasn’t this the guy who was a lousy boyfriend? Didn’t they have an almost non-existent sex life because of his issues? Wasn’t she relieved they were no longer together? More importantly, how can she go from fabulous and beautiful just moments before to thinking she didn’t deserve to stand on the dance floor with him?
“Jasmine” decided to fight, but I don’t mean literally. Instead, she forced herself to smile and returned to the salsa scene. She asked the best men to dance and twirled her way to laughter. And when she finally got the courage, she even asked her Ex if he wanted to join her for a song.
His response? Confusion. He made some poor excuse for being tired and sulked out of the club, leaving her spinning in the arms of another man.
The moment may seem insignificant to some, but for “Jasmine,” it meant regaining her ground in their formerly unequal relationship. This was the moment she finally felt free.
How have you handled running into exes when the breakup still hurts? Did you hold your head high and engage them, or keep your distance? And at what moment did you know you had finally broken free of breakup blahs?
Permalink | Comments (150) | Post your comment | Categories: Breakups
Pickier with age? Is instant spark a must?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’m meditating on the word “picky” as I write this blog. On a recent first date, my suitor (let’s call this guy Jack) informed me he hadn’t asked anyone out since his last relationship, a three-month courtship, ended in March.
I was a little incredulous. He’s hilarious, smart, successful and well, really good-looking. When I asked why the dating time-out, he explained that at 38 years old, he knows what he’s looking for and doesn’t waste time with those who don’t fit the bill. Further, if he doesn’t feel that special instant chemistry, he knows that the pairing is not for him.
I suppose I should feel flattered that I made the cut, but instead, I began to reconsider my own dating practices. Do I date too much? Should I feel spontaneous magic with someone before accepting a first outing invitation? Certainly, I don’t say yes to every man who asks for my time, but I do often find myself in first ventures in hopes that the rare spark may develop.
Something about Jack’s dating outlook is clicking with me. Maybe I should change the criteria for reasons to accept a first date. Making me laugh can go a long way, but perhaps I should hold out for the guy who instantly makes me swoon. In other words, I think I need to be pickier.
What does it take for you to explore a first date with someone? Do you take a casual “why not” approach, or do you have high standards when it comes to spending one-on-one time with someone new? How has it changed as you have aged?
And lastly, do you think your heart (even you, fellas) should jump at first meeting, or is the guy or gal who makes you laugh just as good?
Permalink | Comments (287) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
When I Became a Man
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I wanted to switch things up for Friday, and per constant request, I’ve asked one of our more outspoken readers, 2 Can Play That Game, to take center stage, and give us a topic for Friday.
But when I became a Man……I “put away childish things.” Now, as I’m sure you’ll notice, there is no age requirement in this statement. It simply says “when.” Fellas, if you were anything like me, it took some time before you put away childish things. Now, I’m not talking about your X-Box, Nintendo’s, and the like. Mind you, I still want a Wii, even if it is for the “low-low”. No, when I say put away the childish things, I am referring to your thought process. Do you think as a child? Understand as a child, are you still on milk?
We’ve heard far too many times about “boys wearing men’s clothing,” “mama’s boys,” or “man-child.” However, fellas, you have to ask yourself, does the shoe fit? Are you a boy perpetrating manhood because you merely look the part? Or are you fulfilling the fiduciary charge that was given to you? Charge? Yes, because it was man who was given a direct order.
Now, I won’t give you a whole run-down of the events of the Book of Genesis, but y’all know how it went down: Eve got caught up, then Adam followed suit. However, God didn’t step in until AFTER man failed, for lack of a better word, because He held man accountable. What was the first thing out of man’s mouth? “That woman you gave me..” Imagine that!
Some men are still shirking their responsibilities, and deflecting blame on the ladies. I’m not going to use my air time (Thank you Diva), to bash my fellow brethren, but what I do want to do is put the onus back on us to “take charge”. More specifically, to take charge in our relationships.
The way I see it, and I don’t mean to sound chauvinistic, because I’m not a “Bossy Dude”, I am a “Boss Dude,” I believe the man is supposed to be the head. But with that role comes responsibilities. Blaming females for “not respecting you,” “killing your manhood,” is garbage to me. First of all, one has to allow himself to be disrespected; second, “cain’t” nobody steal my manhood!
Now, before y’all start on me, I’m not saying go out beat ya chest, and gather a harem. No. But man up, and you’d be surprised how much your stock will rise.
Ladies, how can you tell if you’re meeting a boy in a man’s clothing? Does his actions say it, or does his “uniform” give him away?
Fellas, have you put away childish things? Are you accepting the responsibility placed upon you?
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mytwocents sweetie, knowing Slim…that woman would cast me into the lake of fire..Yelling,”BURN DEMI BURN!!” You know that girl has wicked ways..I have a feeling Slim is going to make... read the full comment by Demi | Comment on When the family loves the Ex Read When the family loves the Ex
Dan What do you do to get over a woman who has wronged you in your opinion? Not everyone does the same thing to get over someone they loved.... read the full comment by Atl Lady | Comment on When the family loves the Ex Read When the family loves the Ex
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@Taz You’re right I don’t understand the FBBBP (forever bitter babes bytching parties)... read the full comment by Dan | Comment on When the family loves the Ex Read When the family loves the Ex