Misadventures in Atlanta

By binford

January 29, 2007 08:24 AM | Link to this

HAPPY MONDAY ALL!

I think most poeple want to get setup in their lives before they merge that life with someone else. It’s not so much that there are specific things to achieve (for some I’m sure it is though), but a certain plane of awareness and stature in this world. And for most, you don’t get there until your mid 20’s.

My guess is that most folks would rather have a good set of experiences to make life decisions with than to always wonder what else may be out there.

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 08:39 AM | Link to this

Morning Bloggers

By MochaTreat

January 29, 2007 08:39 AM | Link to this

Good Morning JustMe, Sexione, Kinder, QC, Demi, Slim, Sean J, Musing, Foots and the crew

Well, it is Monday again…can’t wait until Friday…but oh well…..

Do you think it is important to do certain things before you marry? I think you should know who are and where you want to go. I am sure there are some thing you would like to accomplish before getting married…such as fininshing college, grad school, or finding a job maybe even traveling al little…but beyond that I think if you know where you are and where you are going have a spouse should add to not take away from your life (You should be equally yoked with that person).

Have you dated someone who told you they were putting marriage off until they accomplished something?

I dated a guy with a ten year plan…he said it took him 10 years to really get to know a person…if he met someone new the 10 years started all over again….needless to say we never made it to year 1…I hear he still has a 10 year plan…he’s not married either…oh well to each its own.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 08:41 AM | Link to this

Morning All

Speaking from the “single again” crowd, I think that a lot of marriage IS confining sometimes. Most people go into marriage thinking about how wonderful things are going to be when they share them with someone else, then reality hits. All of those dreams start off well and good, but a few job changes, a recognition that you have to find ‘common ground’ for things to do together, separate schedules, and the almighty dollar, often torpedo those dreams of travel, career, and fun. If that is not enough, throw in a couple of babies here and there and the landscape really changes. It does not necessarily mean bad, just different priorities tend to be forced on people in marriage…and they have to consider others in all of their major decisions.

Single does mean more freedom to be spontaneous, because you only have to think about yourself. Not better, just easier. There should be a better alternative to being single OR being married, but am still waiting to hear about that one…and not holding my breath.

By Sexione

January 29, 2007 08:50 AM | Link to this

Goodmorning Everybody!!!

Mocha cosigning that Friday wish lol

When you’re younger, having a list of to-dos seems appropriate. As you grow older and wiser (hmmmm…that sounds familiar, lol), and realize how precious and short life really is, the to-do list seems not as important as just finding someone that you’re on the same page with (if that’s what you want)….and then the two of you can accomplish certain things together.

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 08:59 AM | Link to this

hey Mocha Treat

By Sexione

January 29, 2007 09:01 AM | Link to this

Randyt I agree, the changes of life can turn really good intentions into all out chaos.

There should be a better alternative to being single OR being married…..sounds like the open relationship situation…we’re together, but we can do whatever we want, whenever we want….lol

By GA.man

January 29, 2007 09:04 AM | Link to this

Good morning all i don’t know i dont have a list of things…i guess i am just waiting and taking my time

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 09:22 AM | Link to this

I co-sign with GA.man i don’t have a list of things either,i’m just chillin for the moment

By MusingLee

January 29, 2007 09:23 AM | Link to this

I should have gone skydiving before getting engaged….My SO won’t let me go at all….

Musing attempts to jump from plane…just then he notices a second plane closing in…It’s the SO….Musing jumps from plane and is immediately pluck from the sky by a waiting lasso…he is pulled into the second plane and scolded like a child….leaving him in tears.

By Storm

January 29, 2007 09:24 AM | Link to this

Good morning!

As I contemplate getting married again, I find myself thinking of all the ME time I’ll lose! hahahaha My son went off to college year before last and I was single when he left, until 3 months ago. I think that’s the only thing I would miss, but I’ve done enough, otherwise, as a single person… and I don’t think I’ll be getting much ME time with my SO. He, unlike me, does not truly enjoy being alone, so I don’t see me getting much ME time if we were to marry. Some of the things I’ve done as a single person, I remember thinking, I wish I had someone special to share this with, so I look forward to having that. IMHO having someone to share experiences with makes them richer and more enjoyable… some things can’t be conveyed through relaying details of an experience. As they say, “Ya had to be there.”

By Dr. Kym aka Rested and Relax

January 29, 2007 09:27 AM | Link to this

Good Morning All,

Before I get married I want my son grown and out of my house. I guess it is the selfish side of getting older, but I enjoy my single parenthood, and I am not really looking for anyone to help or ehance our world right now.

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 09:29 AM | Link to this

I will marry once I purchase my dream car…BMW M6…In cash…Focus mayne, gotta stay on my grind!!!

Heeeeey QC, Sexione, Ms.Mocha

Fellas DCP head nod SUP!!

By T-Mango

January 29, 2007 09:35 AM | Link to this

Good morning all.

No, I don’t have an actual list of things that I’d like to do or accomplish before I get married. For me, I just want to do enough to be able to grow enough to be an asset to someone’s life. That means being secure within my self, my finances, my spirituality…being able to bring something to the table-

I ‘sowed my oats’ while in my 20’s. So, I don’t feel as if I’m missing anything on that front. I’m just taking it day by day until that day comes. Have a great day!

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 09:36 AM | Link to this

hell Alvin

By Sexione

January 29, 2007 09:39 AM | Link to this

Kym I feel ya on the child being grown and out of the house. I’ve done all the work myself, so I can’t really see anyone coming in now, on the tail end, messing up our flow….plus, it will take that long or longer before they would be allowed around her like that anyway…..3 yrs and counting!!! lol

Heeeyyy Alvin

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 09:44 AM | Link to this

sorry Alvin i sneezed before i put the “o” in hello :)

By SeanJohnson

January 29, 2007 09:54 AM | Link to this

Sup Blog…..I agree totally with Randys comment..Marriage is TOO confining..Like Storm..i love and require ALOT of me time..And when u are single for a minute its hard not to be selfish about your time and sharing your space. Although I dont see marriage in the intermediate forcast..possibly in my mid to late 40’s…I think u should sow all of your wild oats..get and keep your credit/debt straight…and totally be ready for marriage so there isnt any regrets so all of your focus is on making it work.

By skoolboi_krush

January 29, 2007 10:02 AM | Link to this

Good morning, blog! I hope everybody had a good weekend.

Even though my marriage didn’t work out, I don’t have any regrets about marrying young and I loved the idea of crossing things off my to-do list together. Now that I’m single again though, I am not really in a rush to get back into it. I want to enjoy life solo for a minute.

By abc

January 29, 2007 10:06 AM | Link to this

Lies, damn lies and statistics!

I think the statistics are being misread, although it’s just a gut feeling, I don’t have any numbers to back it up. The stats say that 51% of women are currently living without a husband, but that doesn’t mean they NEVER have married.

To the contrary, I think that the divorce rate contributes greatly to the statistic of 51% living without a husband. I think a major cause of discontent in marriage has to do with women having far greater expectations of what they’ll get out of marriage than men have. Women feel like they put in way more effort, and then are resentful that men don’t reciprocate in the way they want. Consequently, women’s disillusionment with that aspect of marriage and relationships with men in general result in the statistics currently being publicized.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 10:13 AM | Link to this

Until divorce and custody laws are set to reflect current reality, then men will be reluctant to marry. Even in marriages where everything is equal, salary, career, etc. The man gets the short end of the stick in a divorce. If the scales of justice were more equal, then more women would think twice about threatening men with divorce and upsurping the dynamics of the marriage.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 10:15 AM | Link to this

abc, Plus, women know they will not lose in a divorce. In fact, they gain much more and can control the man via the children/child support.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 10:20 AM | Link to this

For all you so-called Christian Robber Baron professional women who took the house (didn’t put any of the money in the house), just basically stole it and collect massive child support and spend it on yourself, I will be happy to know that you can’t find a man! Was it worth it? Is it worth the nasty personality you have and the emotional games you are playing with the children because you are trying to keep them from their fathers?

By Foots

January 29, 2007 10:23 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone!!

abc Speaking of lies and statistics, I read one this weekend that said that 99% of men do not equate monogamy with marriage. I was like, man, come on now!! It would be a shame if that were true.

On topic, I do think it’s important to be in a place where you add value to another person’s life before you marry, whether that be by clearing debt first, having more and varied experiences, having cultivated some personal interests, or just knowing who you are as a person and what you believe in. Whatever it is, you have to be happy with yourself and where you are in life before you can be a great partner to someone else. I never had a set list of things I wanted to do before marriage, I have just been sure to live my life to the fullest doing the things I wanted to do and fulfilling my own goals that had nothing to do with a man.

I’ve known men that said that they couldn’t pursue a relationship until they have accomplished certain things. When I was younger, I’d try to argue that. But now, if it happened, I’d be much more likely to let them go do their thing, because I have so much going on myself.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 10:26 AM | Link to this

Justin Just a feeling I have and I may be wrong…but are you divorced and if so, do you hold some bitterness towards your ex?

By Justin

January 29, 2007 10:26 AM | Link to this

Women, if you want a man to marry you, call your legislators and have them make the divorce and custody laws balanced and free of gender bias. You will elect judges that aren’t gender biased. You will agree to provide for your children financially just as the father will…

The problem is women want it all. You want control, romance, a fetch it boy, diamonds, the decision to stay at home or be a career woman whenever the feeling hits you…all without any responsibility and no work.

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 10:27 AM | Link to this

I have always been the type to not mind sharing life experiences with someone else so I never had a “before I get married” to do list.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 10:29 AM | Link to this

Southwest Atlanta is full of divorced, nasty attitude, vindictive, Robber Baron professional women! You know who you are…the ones who commute to the perimeter for work. So fellows, if she is from the SWAT, regardless of what she looks like and seems to be sane, she is probably crazy so run like he—!

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 10:29 AM | Link to this

Good morning Everyone!

I must admit, if I become the next Millionaire Business Woman Next Door prior to marriage, this will make me apprehensive about getting hitched. Unless we are in a committed relationship beforehand. Otherwise, the balance of personal time; having to cook when I would rather read a book; sharing my space, etc, are all compromising issues, in my humble opinion.

Have a Powerful, Productive, Prosperous and Positive Day!!!

By Foots

January 29, 2007 10:29 AM | Link to this

abc I think that the expectations are distorted on both sides, male and female. What do they say? Women go into marriage expecting their husbands to change and men go into it expecting their wives to never change. It’s so important for a couple to discuss expectations of marriage before the marriage, and to be truthful about it. Then, since expectations can change depending on where you are in life, those expectations have to be revisited and new compromises have to be made. It’s definitely not a “once and done” discussion.

By Pharress_Beuller

January 29, 2007 10:32 AM | Link to this

Morning BLOG Fam,

I have a list…I noticed that it sometimes grows longer and other times it decreases. I blame it on evolution…some things that I thought were must-do’s were important at that time (and I did them) and others didn’t seem so important. There are other things I want to do before I jump the broom though.

I don’t think you ever stop “adding to the list” so to speak…I just think the list changes with how your life changes. A list can be a good thing, it equates to goals and goals are what keeps you going and full of life.

I do think that there will always be some things you want to experience before marriage, but personally I don’t want to do it all…I want to experience things with her too (when that time comes).

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 10:38 AM | Link to this

Speaking of marriage…did anyone hear the story of the wife who saved her husband from a mountain lion?! Now, that is love! She said they have been together for 50 years.

By MusingLee

January 29, 2007 10:40 AM | Link to this

Now sneaking up behind Justin with a syringe of tranquilizer…Injecting it into his neck and watching him drift to sleep…now dragging him away to a soft padded cell

By Justin

January 29, 2007 10:41 AM | Link to this

Jewel, That is because she comes from the generation of women who believe in marriage, love and standing by your man.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 10:44 AM | Link to this

I think a major cause of discontent in marriage has to do with women having far greater expectations of what they’ll get out of marriage than men have. Women feel like they put in way more effort, and then are resentful that men don’t reciprocate in the way they want. Consequently, women’s disillusionment with that aspect of marriage and relationships with men in general result in the statistics currently being publicized.

ABC So, are you saying men do not have expectations in marriage? Or that the man’s expectations are simpler and less cause for divorce? If the woman feels she gives more in the marriage than the man, communication can alleviate that problem.

By JustMe

January 29, 2007 10:45 AM | Link to this

Good MOrning Blog Buddies

Mocha, GA Man, Foots, QC, Alvin/Demi, Musing, Randy, Jake, SexiOne,T-Mango, abc and you if I forgot your name :-)

The only thing I want to do before I get married is fall in Love with my husband to be and have him Love me too. I want to be hopelessly in love with my beau to the point of not wanting to even imagine us not being together forever.

Short of a few travel destinations, JustMe has had her a whole bunch of good times, I even have a few T-shirts to prove it :-)

By Dr. Kym aka Rested and Relax

January 29, 2007 10:46 AM | Link to this

Better out than in Justin. Better out than in.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 10:48 AM | Link to this

Justin So, what you are actually saying is that she reached down your throat and ripped your heart out…while simultaneously jacking your wallet?

By Sexione

January 29, 2007 10:53 AM | Link to this

Oh goodie, I see we’re on to yet another woman-bashing subject!

Musing don’t forget to lock that cell and throw away the key……..lol

By WorldTraveler

January 29, 2007 10:57 AM | Link to this

Not trying to cause a great divide in here, but I have to ask..

Have any of you ever noticed how other races/cultures don’t seem to have as big a problem with marrying as the African American race? Just wondering….

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 10:59 AM | Link to this

hey JustMe

Musing i see you’re on the “prowl” today, being real sneaky eh!?

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 10:59 AM | Link to this

Justin There are women of younger generations who still believe in marriage, love and standing by her man…but I will talk to you after that tranquilizer settles in…LOL!

By MusingLee

January 29, 2007 11:03 AM | Link to this

Hey QC…Sometimes you have to be a little sneaky to catch folks…LOLOL

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 11:04 AM | Link to this

Justin

re: If the scales of justice were more equal, then more women would think twice about threatening men with divorce and upsurping the dynamics of the marriage.

I always knew, even as my marriage was totally unraveling, one fundemental truth. If I screwed up, I lost my children. If she screwed up, I lost my children. Things hae changed some, but not much. I have gone to many mixed singles groups, parties, etc., over the last six years. I came to know a lot of ladies in the Alpharetta/North Atlanta area who “divorced well”. There were/are a bunch of ladies that lived well off of their child support checks, coupled with their own earnings, etc. and they were furious when the new child support laws were enacted taking into account their earnings also. Funny thing was most of the men I knew thought why even dwell on it, just pay as they always did. The women were scared to death that hte lifestyle they had become accustomed to would be jeopardized. Personally, I never begrudged the ten’s of thousands I sent my ex-wife, it was only money, but there IS something unfair about a system that gives a man only 20% of the time with his kids for 80-100% (or more) of their financial support. I’ve seen so many situations where the ex withheld visitation but raised heeeeelll if the check was five minutes late. I’ve seen ex’s discourage the kids from visiting/vacationing with their father (when the father was legally entitled) but would not hesitate to call when they needed more money for trips, clothes, other expenses, etc., and lived a more comfortable lifestyle than their husband.

Before the blog bullets fly (if anybody even reads this), I know that there are a bunch of deadbeat dads that are/were no better than sperm donors. This is directed at the situations where the man actually does what he is supposed to. I was lucky, my ex never used the children to get back at me, nor I her. I wrote my checks without whining and as I have indicated before, I would have begged, borrowed, or stolen if necessary to keep my children in my life. I just hate it when I see either the male or the female abusing the ‘system’.

By abc

January 29, 2007 11:05 AM | Link to this

Jewel, yeah, that’s what I mean — men’s expectations are much lower as far as what being married will do for them, or to them. Men don’t see marriage as that much of a transformation from what the relationship was prior to marriage.

Women seem to be groomed/groom themselves for marriage as a rite of passage or goal in life — Laney was talking about marriage as a goal just last week. Getting married changes everything for women. When being married doesn’t result in the magnificent transformation they imagine it will be, disillusionment is the result.

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 11:07 AM | Link to this

Musing, and you’re the one to do just that..lol

By Tazzee

January 29, 2007 11:08 AM | Link to this

Morning folks!

Back in the day the only thing I wanted to do before getting married is pay off all my debt. Now, I would love to go to Italy before getting locked down, but that’s not a must.

Like JustMe I just want to know without a shadow of a doubt that I desire to spend the rest of my life with the man before I marry him.

WorldTraveler now that I live and work in a predominantly white environment, I’m finding that the same relationship problems are experienced in other cultures that I’ve experienced. The only difference is, they get married much younger and therefore are miserable married folks instead of single. Not saying that all are, but I’m amazed at how many miserable marrieds I come across of other races.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 11:08 AM | Link to this

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts), Amen…been there…

Jewel, she jacked my house, my wallet, and my children! And, she has the nerve to be mad at me.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 11:09 AM | Link to this

**Unhappily ever after: The “nondivorce”

Breaking up is hard — and expensive — to do. That’s why some couples choose to stay together, long after romance is dead, in a state of matrimony that can best be described as the “nondivorce.”

Though the situation varies, a couple in a nondivorce usually remain living together under one roof, more like passionless roommates than spouses.

This is what many of the Black affluent couples practice in Affluent communities in Southwest Atlanta. However, there are some of us who had to get away from the gold-digging, control addicted, insane, witches. Even after they took the houses, get massive child support, and have the children (the fathers are just babysitters), they are still evil and won’t move on…Most of us men have less financially but have found love with the women we should’ve met and married in the first place.**

By Justin

January 29, 2007 11:10 AM | Link to this

And, the problem is these women think that what they are doing is right…

They also listen to the children when the children call their fathers…they have to know all and be in control of all…

By abc

January 29, 2007 11:15 AM | Link to this

…and I cosign Randyt’s 11:04, big time.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 11:15 AM | Link to this

I always liked what Robin Williams said about divorce. “Ahh divorce, from the Roman word meaning to remove a man’s reproductive organs through his wallet”.

By For Real

January 29, 2007 11:20 AM | Link to this

Mornin Blog - For me it is not list of things to do before marriage, it’s more like a path I want to be on before marriage. I believe once I am on that path I will run into a women going in the same direction as I am.

Justin The first step to releasing your anger is to forgive. It’s not for her sake but your own.

Jewel That is the great divide between women and men. Women always feel as if they love more, work more and give more than men. I call it the I’m a Good Woman so it must be the man that is at fault syndrome. You are 100% responsible for your actions. So, take ownership of your poor decisions, lack of motivation, and lack of control over your emotions.

By TonyTheTiger

January 29, 2007 11:20 AM | Link to this

I just had to come out of Lurksville for a moment….

Seems to me that quite a few men (esp. on this blog) are always whining, crying and complaining about how they are jilted with marriage, how men always get the short end of the stick, and the women get all the benefits. Well boo, the f^c%ing hoo. Until man can give birth, put up with adulterous, lying wanna-be playas, and then get stuck to pick up all the pieces, be mama and daddy, and raise our kids ALL by themselves, SO WHAT!!! We (as men) have made our beds, now we must lie in them…..and of course not ALL men are this way, but so many are that it’s ridiculous! Stop blaming the women for our screw ups, man up, and handle yours because a lot of what we’re having to endure today is just plain karma. Peace!!

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 11:21 AM | Link to this

Question for the Ladies: How would you respond after less than five minutes of conversation with a man he makes this statement, “I can tell you are moody.” When you ask how he can make that assessment in such a short amount of time, he says, “but that doesn’t mean we can’t get along or that it will be a problem for us in the future.”

By Pharress_Beuller

January 29, 2007 11:23 AM | Link to this

I hate to beat a dead horse, but the examples of Justin & RandyT really put the fear factor in a lot of men who haven’t been married yet (including me). Now I won’t assume that this is how my future marriage will be, but it does go along with being exposed to successful marriages and unsuccessful ones.

If there are any guys out there who do have successful ones PLEASE share, because, d@mn…we need balance.

By MusingLee

January 29, 2007 11:24 AM | Link to this

Tazzee I’m with you, I really wanted to pay off any debt that I have before marriage….I’m a third of the way there.

Now handing out caveman clubs for the disgruntled guys….

Go out and club the chick of your dreams.

By NoNonsense

January 29, 2007 11:28 AM | Link to this

Good Morning.

There were a lot of things that I wanted to do before I married and I did none of them because I married earlier than I had planned. But since being married I have managed to accomplish a lot of those things and some I know I never will but I still could if I wanted.

Marriage is about sacrifice but it is no more of a sacrifice than we make for our careers and anything else we are indebted to.

Mia did a topic on Building Together and I think this feeds back into that. Probably more so the younger you are the more building together makes sense or even works. The longer you wait to marry it is expected that you would have accomplished or experienced certain things in life. But to put one part of your life on hold until you finish another is by far the wrong way to percieve life in my opinion.

I guess since I am already into it I see things different than those who have yet to be here. But knowing that we own everything together and we built everything together makes it a little more worth fighting for to stay together.

By SeanJohnson

January 29, 2007 11:30 AM | Link to this

@ Randy…u are on point today….and Justin is too…may sound a lil better…but who wouldnt be if u loose everything.

By JustMe

January 29, 2007 11:32 AM | Link to this

Jewel My response would be Dayum right I am (sometime Boo), and when you see my moods swinging, you better have a yes dear for any question I ask you LOL - just so he remember who wears the skirt at home!

Seriously though, the truth sometimes hurts, but if a woman does not know she is moody, then she is reallllllly moody and should consider and anti-depressant during her pre-cycle week.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 11:35 AM | Link to this

Jewel I don’t know how I would respond to him outwardly, but inside I’d be thinking that he’s probably not the one.

By SlimOne

January 29, 2007 11:35 AM | Link to this

Well Howdy folks. I took a personal day so I’m just popping in for a few.

I didn’t necessarily have a dead set of list of things I wanted to do other than the usual, graduate and pay any debt off. In my mind I always felt like I wanted to be able to build WITH my partner on some things. So if we both have everything priorto marriage, what do you spend the rest of your lives doing together?? I’ve already done the hanging out at clubs, getting throwing-up-drunk, have done some travelling and it would be nice to have a SO to do some more of that with. And another thing, just because someone may have all those material things and whatnot….that doesn’t make then any better than the next person. because you can still be an azzhole

By For Real

January 29, 2007 11:36 AM | Link to this

RandyT co-signing your 11:04 blog. I have my kids half the time I still have to pay like I have them 20% of time but like you said RandyT what the price of your children to you… Pay and move on Justin

By MochaTreat

January 29, 2007 11:36 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Alvin

Hey GAman

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 11:39 AM | Link to this

Pharress_Beuller

No Pharress, don’t let me scare you, marriage is most of the time better than being single. I liked marriage itself and I don’t regret it because it is an absolute reality that the three things I love most in this world, my children, would not have come to be if I had not married my ex. One can take a lot of ‘shyte’ if he/she loves his/her children. All I am saying is go in with your eyes wide open about realities and handle them before they become issues.

Re: The first step to releasing your anger is to forgive. It’s not for her sake but your own. I absolutely agree with this. I never found peace until I forgave my ex, my ex-inlaws, everyone and now get along very wellwith all of them.

Now I am very content and happy…and for the record, am contemplating remarrying. To make a marriage work, both of you have to work at doing and being who you were when you were dating…not getting complacent. You have to learn that only giving 50% will not cut it. You need to ALWAYS be aware that your spouse (that beautiful bride) will change and evolve and if you are not on board with that, one day you will realize that you don’t know the person next to you anymore.

Advice: Go to the best pre-marriage counseling you can find and listen. Pay whatever you have to to get the best because I guarantee it is a small fraction of what it costs to end a marriage…and much less painful.

By For Real

January 29, 2007 11:40 AM | Link to this

@Jewel Amen sista for the anti-depressant..

By Wise Diva

January 29, 2007 11:41 AM | Link to this

wow, a lot of interesting comments this morning. Randyt and abc really made many great points!

I suppose our perception about married life, may make us think we have to do certain things before we marry, but I bet most can be done after you get married, we get so caught up in life planning sometimes.

By Debbie

January 29, 2007 11:42 AM | Link to this

Corey, Just wondering if you’re the same person I met in the Super Target in Duluth last May. If so, you are handsome!

By DuShawn

January 29, 2007 11:45 AM | Link to this

“you have to be happy with yourself and where you are in life before you can be a great partner to someone else”…That’s really what it comes down to. Your bank account, credit score, debt to income ratio may facilitate one’s happiness, but often times it has nothing to do with finances. You could have all of that in order, attend pre-marital counseling, openly discuss your expectations of marriage and still have an unsuccessful union. The most important thing to accomplish before you get married is to choose a partner that truly loves you. Forget the finances, debt, earning potential, social status and all the other elitists’ rhetoric. Find you a soldier that’s truly got your back regardless of what you have or have not achieved. When you conquer life’s challenges together it makes your bond stronger. I feel blessed to be happily married and would gladly give my life to spare hers. I have no doubt that she feels the exact same way.

By GA.man

January 29, 2007 11:45 AM | Link to this

When i was married and got divorced it did hurt at first then came the order for child support and alimony….now i don’t mind making sure my son is well taken care of..so it really didn’t matter…i know he has a good home(that i helped to buy) it is only material things..i can and have replaced them..now she is remarried and happy as i am(no more alimony) but i am happy outside and inside…so life goes on..just get over it and move on your life will be better

By T-Mango

January 29, 2007 11:47 AM | Link to this

@JustMe-I feel you on the being ‘head over heels’ in love point. Where the mind goes..the behind soon follows… So, if we go into a situation with divorce always being an option, I think it becomes embedded in our unconscious mind and manifests itself into our realities. But, if both folks agree that divorce is not an option beforehand, the couple probably will fight it out so they can try to stay together. That is, unless, there is some extreme circumstance where there has been a deal-breaker and the only feasible resolution is getting divorced. I can think of two on my end: abuse and infidelity.

@Justin-As I read your posts your anger and pain is evident. The wound caused by your divorce is still very raw. You have every right to feel what you feel and for your own reasons. I just hope that in time you learn to forgive (though you may never forget it) and heal YOU so you can move forward to rediscover your own happiness. Life deals some unfair hands at times. But, that which doesn’t break you will ultimately make you stronger. Keep your head up.

All women are not the same…

By For Real

January 29, 2007 11:48 AM | Link to this

Preach Rev. RandyT…

Pharress_Beuller marriage is the coolest thing you can do when you are on the same page. It’s like running the perfect play in football. It’s simply a thing of beauty when the two of you come together and set goals and then execute them. I like Rev. RandyT is planning on getting married again as well… So, don’t be scared. Each and every marriage is different the two of you will have find the right combination that works for the two of you.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 11:50 AM | Link to this

RandyT but there IS something unfair about a system that gives a man only 20% of the time with his kids for 80-100% (or more) of their financial support. I’ve seen so many situations where the ex withheld visitation but raised heeeeelll if the check was five minutes late. You are correct about this. I saw this first hand with my ex-SO. I could not fathom it because I did not do this. Withholding a father’s right to spend time with his children because of her unresolved issues is contemptible, to say the least.

ABC Please realize that you speak solely from your personal experience. Not all women have disillusioned expectations. I am a self-actualized person. I am not perfect, but my only expectation is that my husband will enhance my already wonderful life! LOL! I do not need a man to rescue me financially, physically or spiritually. He will enhance my life through companionship, understanding me, appreciating me, loving all of me—the good, the bad and the ugly. Of course, I will do the same for him.

By SlimOne

January 29, 2007 11:51 AM | Link to this

^5 to Dushawn Find you a soldier that’s truly got your back regardless of what you have or have not achieved. When you conquer life’s challenges together it makes your bond stronger

Where’s Slim’s soldier?

By Jack

January 29, 2007 11:52 AM | Link to this

Test drive the car before you take it off the lot.

Rule #1 the female is always right

Rule #2 If the female is wrong, see rule #1

By Pharress_Beuller

January 29, 2007 11:54 AM | Link to this

RandyT, I’m not neccessarily saying you and Justin scare me away from the thought of marriage. I just think your experiences represent a dichotomy of the negative thoughts of modern day marriage. I still have optimistic hopes for marriage, but my exposure (and again I’m only speaking personally) to happy marriages are far and few within my age group. So it does weigh in on my impression of marriage.

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 11:55 AM | Link to this

…Most of us men have less financially but have found love with the women we should’ve met and married in the first place.

Justin just keep your head up and do your part…now stealing my AK back from Ga.man

Blog rounds in the air for above posting

Heeeeeey JustMe

you are forgiven Ms.QC

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 11:57 AM | Link to this

..marriage is most of the time better than being single.

Randy I think it is more like 50/50 or 60/40. I have single friends that make the statements “It’s times like this I wish I was married” but I and my married or coupled friends make the same statements about being single from time to time. The both have their advantages.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 11:57 AM | Link to this

Musing You are still crazy! Caveman clubs! Really, they are beating the good women to death…

For Real That is the great divide between women and men. Men always feel as if they love more, work more and give more than women. I call it the I’m a Good Man so it must be the woman that is at fault syndrome. You are 100% responsible for your actions. So, take ownership of your poor decisions, lack of motivation, and lack of control over your actions.

By Anita

January 29, 2007 12:02 PM | Link to this

Men expect women to never change and women expect men to change as they get older. FALSE expectations and feelings get hurt. Women are ALWAYS thinking about ways to improve, change, grow, mature, etc. Men only think of changing to acquire something temporarily or on an as-needed-basis. If you marry them with faults, they really don’t understand why two years down the road you expect those faults to disappear. They understand it about as much as they understand how our hips and stomach somehow changed after the three kids, and endless buffet dinners!

By deepest fear

January 29, 2007 12:05 PM | Link to this

I have a question for those who were once married or even those considering marriage. I recently had a conversation with my wife regarding our lack of spark in the bedroom. She basically told me that between me, our child, and work she had no time or energy to tend to my physical needs. I’ve been trippin off this for the past few days because I cant imagine me spending the rest of my life in involuntary celibacy. Question is has this happened to others? Did anyone ever consider this before they got married? We had no problem before marriage or first year or so of our marriage. This was my deepest fear before getting married, now it come true. To express how bad it is in my mind, I started looking for information on getting a divorce this morning. Can someone help me see the light or yank me off the tracks before the train hits me.

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 12:05 PM | Link to this

Jack: Mayne, you don’t know jackish, LOL…*too bad your post is true 75% - 85% of the time.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 12:07 PM | Link to this

The most important thing to accomplish before you get married is to choose a partner that truly loves you.

DuShawn HEY DUDE!! Where you been? JustMe said something very similar and I agree with the sentiment. I’m very glad that you are happy in your marriage. Now can you please help Justin?? We need some positivity in this camp! j/k

Pharress Keep your optimism dude. Choosing your wife well will probably be half the battle.

By abc

January 29, 2007 12:08 PM | Link to this

Actually Jewel, I’m not speaking of my own personal experience. I’ve been reading women’s perspectives on the topic in the news the past week or so, and what I said earlier is pretty much a synopsis of what THEY said. Makes sense to me though.

Pharress, it’s good to be trepidacious about marriage. The truth is that even in marriages that don’t result in divorce, very few of them are actually a happy or productive union. Very, VERY few! No matter how carefully you go about choosing a mate, years pass and people change, sometimes dramatically, and not in ways that would endear you to them, nor them to you.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 12:09 PM | Link to this

Foots Absolutely not the one. He further tried to back peddle by saying that he says that to all the women he meets, just to see how they will respond. He wants a humble woman, one who will not be offended by that statement. I advised him that he should not throw out such statements and have multiple-choice responses for the woman. Even the most humble woman will not appreciate that. So, have a wonderful day…NEXT!

By Tater

January 29, 2007 12:16 PM | Link to this

Justin, You are absolutely on target with the whole divoce situation. Women know that they will win in a divorce because that’s how the courts have ruled. My ex constantly gives our kids everything they want, not what they need. They will grow up thinking that the world owes them everything including my check every month. This is what women have created, not all, but everyone that I’ve run across. Just wait till the checks stop honey… You’ll have to find another sucker to support your wonderful disposition.

By Deljah

January 29, 2007 12:17 PM | Link to this

@deepest fear: Your wife basically told you that she was tired. That is to be expected after having a child.

Instead of looking up information on divorce, you might want to look up information on hiring a cleaning service to help her around the house or a childcare service to give you and her some “you two” time or her some time to rest. You could also consider actually helping her around the house, instead of being a second child that she has to take care of.

Sheesh.

And, we wonder why the divorce rate is so high? At the first sign of turbulence, people look for the door instead of (obvious) solutions!!

By Pharress_Beuller

January 29, 2007 12:19 PM | Link to this

Positivism!!!! That’s all I’m saying (I knew the fellas would come through). We need that balance…thanks for reppin’ DuShawn, For Real & RandyT.

My point is we don’t hear the positive aspects of marriage from the male point of view a lot, so sometimes we get a false sense of what it truely can be.

I appreciate it when I hear women talk positive about marriage (i.e. Raqi & others), but it hits home more when I hear a man talk positive about it (i.e. DuShawn & others), because I can personally relate on a more common level. Again, this is just my personal view.

By Alabama

January 29, 2007 12:22 PM | Link to this

Evening all, I think the Unites States has made it very easy to divorce and unequally divide up the assets, but remember the kids need clothing, food and a roof over their heads. I think their should be some thought placed in the deliberation on the judge part, such as are the two capable of providing a job for themselves, both need to provide health insurance for the children etc. For myself I don’t have a to-do list, I think life and its events are best shared with someone, no never been married, no children. Justin I like you, you make my readings. Surely to goodness men know they have a high maintenance woman and they won’t change when divorce time come, it seems to get worse. Have a good evening all, justin look forward to reading more, keep it coming- glad I don’t live in SW atlanta.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 12:24 PM | Link to this

Okay ABC You are speaking from your personal experience of reading what women have said. (See Jack’s “Rules.”)Seriously, not ALL women feel that way. That is my primary point.

By SlimOne

January 29, 2007 12:26 PM | Link to this

@deepestfear Deljah is right. I’ve never been married but was in a cohabitating relationship for some years. I had been stressed out from my job as well as other things and one day I came home and everything was SPOTLESS. I couldn’t believe it. And that was some good good loving & go to sleep that day. I was turned on that I didn’t have to ask him to do anything. He took INITIATIVE to help alleviate something so minute as cleaning.

By Tater

January 29, 2007 12:27 PM | Link to this

Deljah, you sure are reading into deepest fears posting. You know nothing about him other than his thought process as of today. How do you know that he sits on his butt and doesn’t help? I worked my tail off and did about everything in my house including cleaning, laundry, cooking and making the kids lunch’s. My ex was a bloodsucking worm. The more I gave the more she took. I would imagine that this is the case for most divorced men talking about this topic today.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 12:28 PM | Link to this

deepest fear I think that Deljah took the words right out of my mouth. If you are not doing your share around the house or spending time with your child to give her a break (and I’m not talking every once in a while, you live this life together and you handle it together), then maybe she is exhausted. I don’t know if your wife works, but I don’t think it makes a difference. The women I have known who are like this were all just tired and needed their husbands to share the work.

By MochaTreat

January 29, 2007 12:32 PM | Link to this

@Deepest fear It sounds to me like your wife needs some help…I agree with Deljah…maybe you should hire someone to help her around the house…if you can’t afford to hire anyone, then you should pitch in and help around the house. I am not sue how old your child is…but hiring a sitter and taking you wife out on a date wouldn’t be a bad idea. If you have a family memeber that can watch your child for a weekend…plan a weekend getaway for her…if funds are low…plan a weekend getaway at home…with you doing all the catering…pamper her to no end….if that doesn’t work then maybe ya’ll need to talk to someone…it may be a physical thing.

By Tater

January 29, 2007 12:32 PM | Link to this

Absolutely amazing..

By abc

January 29, 2007 12:32 PM | Link to this

deepest fear, it’s not just that she’s too tired, it’s also that she’s p1ssed off at you for her fatigue. Getting a maid service or making some other kind of grand gesture might make her interested in you again, at least for a little while.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 12:35 PM | Link to this

Tater He was talking about his sex life, not that his wife is a “bloodsucking worm”.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 12:38 PM | Link to this

abc makes a good point. Man, resentment is a SURE turn-off, more so than being tired. That’s just being tired of being tired!!

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 12:39 PM | Link to this

^5 Deljah Deepest fear, i think that’s the best advice to take is what Deljah suggested, don’t run at the 1st sign of rejection…remember you’re in this for better or worse it’ll all get better, just try talking to her and ask what can you do to help her..maybe get someone to keep your son for the weekend, *Valentine’s Day is coming up soon..good luck to you, don’t turn in your towel and get off the track before the train hits you…

By NoNonsense

January 29, 2007 12:40 PM | Link to this

@deepest fear - I told my hubby once that four hands can do more than two. I have four babies and I work a little more than part-time, cook, clean, do the laundry, balance the check books, do the shopping and so many other things. I have always tried to make time for him with the exception of a really bad time that I went through. Even in wanting to make time for him time would just run out at the end of the day. I showed him the little things that he can do to help me out and it makes all the difference in the world. Try offering to do somethings that has her burdened down or ask her what can you do to make things better. Divorce is such a drastic cure for such a small problem.

By Deljah

January 29, 2007 12:40 PM | Link to this

@Tater,

No, boo, I’m reading what was posted. Deepest fear said that between HIM, working, taking care of a child, she is too exhausted for sex in the bedroom. He’s so upset about the lack of sex, that he’s looking up info on divorce.

The problem, per his post, is EXHAUSTION. If he would help alleviate the exhaustion, then she’d have more energy that could be used in the bedroom. It’s that simple.

He said nothing about his wife being a blood sucking worm. That’s where you’re reading in your experience. But his post wasn’t about you or your wife!

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 12:42 PM | Link to this

Tater I see you have gotten your exercise by jumping to conclusions. We only have one side of the story. Essentially, her advice to him is to consider alternatives to divorce and reasons why his wife has no sexual energy.

By Alabama

January 29, 2007 12:43 PM | Link to this

I think if we stop and think about the qualities that we want in a spouse, mate or partner and not compromise one charateristic for another but on the hand we have to stop and examine ourselves and with that same checklist examine our qualities and what we ahve to give then we will be have wat there. Thrown in marriage counseling ( reputable please, not by a someone who has been married 5 times and have 5 girlfriends), keep the families input to a minimal, communicate, be on one accord that we both have to input 100%, and know that it is a second job and if children enter the picture then that’s a third job and treat each other as equals. I think I might just have something their. Jewel ask him to explain but he probably is not the one.

By Tater

January 29, 2007 12:46 PM | Link to this

Foots, I understand he was talking about his sex life. My point is we are all reading very deeply into a small posting made by deepestfear. I can only relate to personal experience and didn’t mean to take the posting out of context, for that I apologize.

By NoNonsense

January 29, 2007 12:47 PM | Link to this

@deepest fear - One other thing. You would be surprised how much carrying a mental load can affect your physical being. When a woman is preoccupied mentally you can’t get much of anything from us and sex is one of the main no can dos. Talk to her because it may just be something else outside of the physical work that she is having to do that has her acting like this.

If you do all you can do and none of this seem to help then you two need to maybe get some help.

By The Way of the World

January 29, 2007 12:47 PM | Link to this

It is what society has dictated what females do. Here is my story. About 3 years ago I got engaged. She was the love of my life and I thought I was the love of hers. I was 25 and she was 22. We were both young and I was thinking that we could grow in life together and experience things together. She had people in her ear that told her that she should, “Live Life” before she gets married because she would be missing out. To cut a long story short, she cheated and I cut her loose. She begged to get back with me, but once you cheat on me it is a wrap. 3 years later, she is still single.

The moral of the story is to not let anyone ever dictate to you how to live your life. You are you.

By Dr. Kym aka Rested and Relax

January 29, 2007 12:49 PM | Link to this

First off deepestfear must know some of you personally on here..because he made his comment and so far his wife is a bloodsucking worm, he is lazy and not helping around the house and they need a maid and we have guess at the gender of the baby( in his orignal post he didnt mention anything about the childs age or sex. Look deepestfear talk to the woman before you call Ken Nugent and Assoc. See if this is an isolated incident or going to become a pattern.

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 12:53 PM | Link to this

Good point, Way of the World

By Stars

January 29, 2007 12:54 PM | Link to this

Well, my fiancee and I are getting married in March of next year. All because he wants to graduate college, have a house, and get a job with the federal government before we decide to walk the aisle. He just wants the security of being able to support me while I’m finishing up med school. I support him in his decision making because I’ve heard it’s hard to hold a marriage together when both spouses are trying to finish up school.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 12:56 PM | Link to this

SlimOne I feel ya!! I’m with a man now who expects to help around the house, his belief is that if it needs to be done, then we get it done, no matter what it is. That’s how both of us grew up. Every time I put a dish in the sink if he’s around, it is washed, dried and put away. Eating food you didn’t have to cook and walking into a kitchen you didn’t have to clean after a long day is a great aphrodisiac! I pray that he stays just like that.

Well okay, let’s ask Deepest Fear…

Deepest Fear, do you and your wife share household duties? Has she been going through something lately that could be mentally sapping her energy? How are her cortisol levels? Is your child young, because it may be a hormonal loss of sex drive? Do you have a TV in your bedroom?

By Proud Father

January 29, 2007 12:57 PM | Link to this

I agree 100% with Justin. After getting divorced and getting screwed in court, I will never marry again if the woman wants kids. Men think twice before having kids unless you have been married for a long time and their is no chance for divorce…

By Foots

January 29, 2007 12:57 PM | Link to this

Congratulations Stars on your impending nuptials!!

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 12:57 PM | Link to this

Deepest Fear Consider communicating with your wife. Ask her what could you do to help her feel less overwhelmed. Having children is an added dynamic to a marriage. Women need to feel appreciated and less of a sex object. That is not to say she does not enjoy sex. But if she thinks your only goal is to do the horizontal polka, your intentions may be counterproductive. Sex is an integral part of the relationship, but it is not the whole relationship. Try to put your needs aside long enough to put the marriage first. Try making love to her mind.

By Females Complain

January 29, 2007 12:57 PM | Link to this

That is basically what they do. NO MATTER WHAT!!

If you do something, they will find something else to complain about. Or they will find something wrong to complain about. If you do something for them, they will act like it is expected. If you are ready to deal with that then marriage will work out great for you. If you don’t like being told what to do, commanded around like you are a little kid, or treated like crap most of the time, then marriage is not for you.

Women, you want to know why men cheat. Because you drive them to cheat by being non-supportive, argumentative, or by making their lives miserable.

It is what it is. If you want to be treated like crap, marriage is the thing for you!

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 12:59 PM | Link to this

Worldly Way I doubt others telling her to Live Life is what made her cheat. People cheat because THEY choose to. PERIOD.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 01:01 PM | Link to this

Way of the World Why was cheating synonomous with “living life” for her? There are so many other ways that life is lived that have nothing to do with sex. I don’t know if it’s the listening to the advice of other folks that did you guys in, it just sounds like the crazy mistake of a young person and a misinterpretation on her part. Are you still single?

By Foots

January 29, 2007 01:05 PM | Link to this

WOW!!! Some of the comments on here today are off the chain!

And men say that women are bitter?? Please… Some of the men in here today act like they been sucking lemons for six months!

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 01:08 PM | Link to this

Women, you want to know why men cheat. Because you drive them to cheat by being non-supportive, argumentative, or by making their lives miserable. OH MY! (Fe)Males Complain Blaming rather than owning will never change your situation.

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 01:14 PM | Link to this

LOL Foots. I had to check my calendar to see if it’s National Hate a Woman Day and somebody forgot to tell us.

By Teddy

January 29, 2007 01:15 PM | Link to this

Good Afternoon Folks!

I’m usually lurking as most of the old heads around here know. Wise this topic has sparked some heat around here…lol.

@ Jewel… You said “Blaming rather than owning will never change your situation.” to the guy that complained about his ex.

My question is do you give this same advice to women?

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 01:15 PM | Link to this

Deljah Hey you…and I completely agree with your post

By deepest fear

January 29, 2007 01:15 PM | Link to this

The situation is like this. We both work and live in a modest apartment. She was never big on house work so I take care of the bul