By binford

January 29, 2007 08:24 AM | Link to this

HAPPY MONDAY ALL!

I think most poeple want to get setup in their lives before they merge that life with someone else. It’s not so much that there are specific things to achieve (for some I’m sure it is though), but a certain plane of awareness and stature in this world. And for most, you don’t get there until your mid 20’s.

My guess is that most folks would rather have a good set of experiences to make life decisions with than to always wonder what else may be out there.

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 08:39 AM | Link to this

Morning Bloggers

By MochaTreat

January 29, 2007 08:39 AM | Link to this

Good Morning JustMe, Sexione, Kinder, QC, Demi, Slim, Sean J, Musing, Foots and the crew

Well, it is Monday again…can’t wait until Friday…but oh well…..

Do you think it is important to do certain things before you marry? I think you should know who are and where you want to go. I am sure there are some thing you would like to accomplish before getting married…such as fininshing college, grad school, or finding a job maybe even traveling al little…but beyond that I think if you know where you are and where you are going have a spouse should add to not take away from your life (You should be equally yoked with that person).

Have you dated someone who told you they were putting marriage off until they accomplished something?

I dated a guy with a ten year plan…he said it took him 10 years to really get to know a person…if he met someone new the 10 years started all over again….needless to say we never made it to year 1…I hear he still has a 10 year plan…he’s not married either…oh well to each its own.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 08:41 AM | Link to this

Morning All

Speaking from the “single again” crowd, I think that a lot of marriage IS confining sometimes. Most people go into marriage thinking about how wonderful things are going to be when they share them with someone else, then reality hits. All of those dreams start off well and good, but a few job changes, a recognition that you have to find ‘common ground’ for things to do together, separate schedules, and the almighty dollar, often torpedo those dreams of travel, career, and fun. If that is not enough, throw in a couple of babies here and there and the landscape really changes. It does not necessarily mean bad, just different priorities tend to be forced on people in marriage…and they have to consider others in all of their major decisions.

Single does mean more freedom to be spontaneous, because you only have to think about yourself. Not better, just easier. There should be a better alternative to being single OR being married, but am still waiting to hear about that one…and not holding my breath.

By Sexione

January 29, 2007 08:50 AM | Link to this

Goodmorning Everybody!!!

Mocha cosigning that Friday wish lol

When you’re younger, having a list of to-dos seems appropriate. As you grow older and wiser (hmmmm…that sounds familiar, lol), and realize how precious and short life really is, the to-do list seems not as important as just finding someone that you’re on the same page with (if that’s what you want)….and then the two of you can accomplish certain things together.

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 08:59 AM | Link to this

hey Mocha Treat

By Sexione

January 29, 2007 09:01 AM | Link to this

Randyt I agree, the changes of life can turn really good intentions into all out chaos.

There should be a better alternative to being single OR being married…..sounds like the open relationship situation…we’re together, but we can do whatever we want, whenever we want….lol

By GA.man

January 29, 2007 09:04 AM | Link to this

Good morning all i don’t know i dont have a list of things…i guess i am just waiting and taking my time

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 09:22 AM | Link to this

I co-sign with GA.man i don’t have a list of things either,i’m just chillin for the moment

By MusingLee

January 29, 2007 09:23 AM | Link to this

I should have gone skydiving before getting engaged….My SO won’t let me go at all….

Musing attempts to jump from plane…just then he notices a second plane closing in…It’s the SO….Musing jumps from plane and is immediately pluck from the sky by a waiting lasso…he is pulled into the second plane and scolded like a child….leaving him in tears.

By Storm

January 29, 2007 09:24 AM | Link to this

Good morning!

As I contemplate getting married again, I find myself thinking of all the ME time I’ll lose! hahahaha My son went off to college year before last and I was single when he left, until 3 months ago. I think that’s the only thing I would miss, but I’ve done enough, otherwise, as a single person… and I don’t think I’ll be getting much ME time with my SO. He, unlike me, does not truly enjoy being alone, so I don’t see me getting much ME time if we were to marry. Some of the things I’ve done as a single person, I remember thinking, I wish I had someone special to share this with, so I look forward to having that. IMHO having someone to share experiences with makes them richer and more enjoyable… some things can’t be conveyed through relaying details of an experience. As they say, “Ya had to be there.”

By Dr. Kym aka Rested and Relax

January 29, 2007 09:27 AM | Link to this

Good Morning All,

Before I get married I want my son grown and out of my house. I guess it is the selfish side of getting older, but I enjoy my single parenthood, and I am not really looking for anyone to help or ehance our world right now.

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 09:29 AM | Link to this

I will marry once I purchase my dream car…BMW M6…In cash…Focus mayne, gotta stay on my grind!!!

Heeeeey QC, Sexione, Ms.Mocha

Fellas DCP head nod SUP!!

By T-Mango

January 29, 2007 09:35 AM | Link to this

Good morning all.

No, I don’t have an actual list of things that I’d like to do or accomplish before I get married. For me, I just want to do enough to be able to grow enough to be an asset to someone’s life. That means being secure within my self, my finances, my spirituality…being able to bring something to the table-

I ‘sowed my oats’ while in my 20’s. So, I don’t feel as if I’m missing anything on that front. I’m just taking it day by day until that day comes. Have a great day!

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 09:36 AM | Link to this

hell Alvin

By Sexione

January 29, 2007 09:39 AM | Link to this

Kym I feel ya on the child being grown and out of the house. I’ve done all the work myself, so I can’t really see anyone coming in now, on the tail end, messing up our flow….plus, it will take that long or longer before they would be allowed around her like that anyway…..3 yrs and counting!!! lol

Heeeyyy Alvin

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 09:44 AM | Link to this

sorry Alvin i sneezed before i put the “o” in hello :)

By SeanJohnson

January 29, 2007 09:54 AM | Link to this

Sup Blog…..I agree totally with Randys comment..Marriage is TOO confining..Like Storm..i love and require ALOT of me time..And when u are single for a minute its hard not to be selfish about your time and sharing your space. Although I dont see marriage in the intermediate forcast..possibly in my mid to late 40’s…I think u should sow all of your wild oats..get and keep your credit/debt straight…and totally be ready for marriage so there isnt any regrets so all of your focus is on making it work.

By skoolboi_krush

January 29, 2007 10:02 AM | Link to this

Good morning, blog! I hope everybody had a good weekend.

Even though my marriage didn’t work out, I don’t have any regrets about marrying young and I loved the idea of crossing things off my to-do list together. Now that I’m single again though, I am not really in a rush to get back into it. I want to enjoy life solo for a minute.

By abc

January 29, 2007 10:06 AM | Link to this

Lies, damn lies and statistics!

I think the statistics are being misread, although it’s just a gut feeling, I don’t have any numbers to back it up. The stats say that 51% of women are currently living without a husband, but that doesn’t mean they NEVER have married.

To the contrary, I think that the divorce rate contributes greatly to the statistic of 51% living without a husband. I think a major cause of discontent in marriage has to do with women having far greater expectations of what they’ll get out of marriage than men have. Women feel like they put in way more effort, and then are resentful that men don’t reciprocate in the way they want. Consequently, women’s disillusionment with that aspect of marriage and relationships with men in general result in the statistics currently being publicized.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 10:13 AM | Link to this

Until divorce and custody laws are set to reflect current reality, then men will be reluctant to marry. Even in marriages where everything is equal, salary, career, etc. The man gets the short end of the stick in a divorce. If the scales of justice were more equal, then more women would think twice about threatening men with divorce and upsurping the dynamics of the marriage.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 10:15 AM | Link to this

abc, Plus, women know they will not lose in a divorce. In fact, they gain much more and can control the man via the children/child support.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 10:20 AM | Link to this

For all you so-called Christian Robber Baron professional women who took the house (didn’t put any of the money in the house), just basically stole it and collect massive child support and spend it on yourself, I will be happy to know that you can’t find a man! Was it worth it? Is it worth the nasty personality you have and the emotional games you are playing with the children because you are trying to keep them from their fathers?

By Foots

January 29, 2007 10:23 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone!!

abc Speaking of lies and statistics, I read one this weekend that said that 99% of men do not equate monogamy with marriage. I was like, man, come on now!! It would be a shame if that were true.

On topic, I do think it’s important to be in a place where you add value to another person’s life before you marry, whether that be by clearing debt first, having more and varied experiences, having cultivated some personal interests, or just knowing who you are as a person and what you believe in. Whatever it is, you have to be happy with yourself and where you are in life before you can be a great partner to someone else. I never had a set list of things I wanted to do before marriage, I have just been sure to live my life to the fullest doing the things I wanted to do and fulfilling my own goals that had nothing to do with a man.

I’ve known men that said that they couldn’t pursue a relationship until they have accomplished certain things. When I was younger, I’d try to argue that. But now, if it happened, I’d be much more likely to let them go do their thing, because I have so much going on myself.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 10:26 AM | Link to this

Justin Just a feeling I have and I may be wrong…but are you divorced and if so, do you hold some bitterness towards your ex?

By Justin

January 29, 2007 10:26 AM | Link to this

Women, if you want a man to marry you, call your legislators and have them make the divorce and custody laws balanced and free of gender bias. You will elect judges that aren’t gender biased. You will agree to provide for your children financially just as the father will…

The problem is women want it all. You want control, romance, a fetch it boy, diamonds, the decision to stay at home or be a career woman whenever the feeling hits you…all without any responsibility and no work.

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 10:27 AM | Link to this

I have always been the type to not mind sharing life experiences with someone else so I never had a “before I get married” to do list.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 10:29 AM | Link to this

Southwest Atlanta is full of divorced, nasty attitude, vindictive, Robber Baron professional women! You know who you are…the ones who commute to the perimeter for work. So fellows, if she is from the SWAT, regardless of what she looks like and seems to be sane, she is probably crazy so run like he—!

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 10:29 AM | Link to this

Good morning Everyone!

I must admit, if I become the next Millionaire Business Woman Next Door prior to marriage, this will make me apprehensive about getting hitched. Unless we are in a committed relationship beforehand. Otherwise, the balance of personal time; having to cook when I would rather read a book; sharing my space, etc, are all compromising issues, in my humble opinion.

Have a Powerful, Productive, Prosperous and Positive Day!!!

By Foots

January 29, 2007 10:29 AM | Link to this

abc I think that the expectations are distorted on both sides, male and female. What do they say? Women go into marriage expecting their husbands to change and men go into it expecting their wives to never change. It’s so important for a couple to discuss expectations of marriage before the marriage, and to be truthful about it. Then, since expectations can change depending on where you are in life, those expectations have to be revisited and new compromises have to be made. It’s definitely not a “once and done” discussion.

By Pharress_Beuller

January 29, 2007 10:32 AM | Link to this

Morning BLOG Fam,

I have a list…I noticed that it sometimes grows longer and other times it decreases. I blame it on evolution…some things that I thought were must-do’s were important at that time (and I did them) and others didn’t seem so important. There are other things I want to do before I jump the broom though.

I don’t think you ever stop “adding to the list” so to speak…I just think the list changes with how your life changes. A list can be a good thing, it equates to goals and goals are what keeps you going and full of life.

I do think that there will always be some things you want to experience before marriage, but personally I don’t want to do it all…I want to experience things with her too (when that time comes).

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 10:38 AM | Link to this

Speaking of marriage…did anyone hear the story of the wife who saved her husband from a mountain lion?! Now, that is love! She said they have been together for 50 years.

By MusingLee

January 29, 2007 10:40 AM | Link to this

Now sneaking up behind Justin with a syringe of tranquilizer…Injecting it into his neck and watching him drift to sleep…now dragging him away to a soft padded cell

By Justin

January 29, 2007 10:41 AM | Link to this

Jewel, That is because she comes from the generation of women who believe in marriage, love and standing by your man.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 10:44 AM | Link to this

I think a major cause of discontent in marriage has to do with women having far greater expectations of what they’ll get out of marriage than men have. Women feel like they put in way more effort, and then are resentful that men don’t reciprocate in the way they want. Consequently, women’s disillusionment with that aspect of marriage and relationships with men in general result in the statistics currently being publicized.

ABC So, are you saying men do not have expectations in marriage? Or that the man’s expectations are simpler and less cause for divorce? If the woman feels she gives more in the marriage than the man, communication can alleviate that problem.

By JustMe

January 29, 2007 10:45 AM | Link to this

Good MOrning Blog Buddies

Mocha, GA Man, Foots, QC, Alvin/Demi, Musing, Randy, Jake, SexiOne,T-Mango, abc and you if I forgot your name :-)

The only thing I want to do before I get married is fall in Love with my husband to be and have him Love me too. I want to be hopelessly in love with my beau to the point of not wanting to even imagine us not being together forever.

Short of a few travel destinations, JustMe has had her a whole bunch of good times, I even have a few T-shirts to prove it :-)

By Dr. Kym aka Rested and Relax

January 29, 2007 10:46 AM | Link to this

Better out than in Justin. Better out than in.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 10:48 AM | Link to this

Justin So, what you are actually saying is that she reached down your throat and ripped your heart out…while simultaneously jacking your wallet?

By Sexione

January 29, 2007 10:53 AM | Link to this

Oh goodie, I see we’re on to yet another woman-bashing subject!

Musing don’t forget to lock that cell and throw away the key……..lol

By WorldTraveler

January 29, 2007 10:57 AM | Link to this

Not trying to cause a great divide in here, but I have to ask..

Have any of you ever noticed how other races/cultures don’t seem to have as big a problem with marrying as the African American race? Just wondering….

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 10:59 AM | Link to this

hey JustMe

Musing i see you’re on the “prowl” today, being real sneaky eh!?

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 10:59 AM | Link to this

Justin There are women of younger generations who still believe in marriage, love and standing by her man…but I will talk to you after that tranquilizer settles in…LOL!

By MusingLee

January 29, 2007 11:03 AM | Link to this

Hey QC…Sometimes you have to be a little sneaky to catch folks…LOLOL

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 11:04 AM | Link to this

Justin

re: If the scales of justice were more equal, then more women would think twice about threatening men with divorce and upsurping the dynamics of the marriage.

I always knew, even as my marriage was totally unraveling, one fundemental truth. If I screwed up, I lost my children. If she screwed up, I lost my children. Things hae changed some, but not much. I have gone to many mixed singles groups, parties, etc., over the last six years. I came to know a lot of ladies in the Alpharetta/North Atlanta area who “divorced well”. There were/are a bunch of ladies that lived well off of their child support checks, coupled with their own earnings, etc. and they were furious when the new child support laws were enacted taking into account their earnings also. Funny thing was most of the men I knew thought why even dwell on it, just pay as they always did. The women were scared to death that hte lifestyle they had become accustomed to would be jeopardized. Personally, I never begrudged the ten’s of thousands I sent my ex-wife, it was only money, but there IS something unfair about a system that gives a man only 20% of the time with his kids for 80-100% (or more) of their financial support. I’ve seen so many situations where the ex withheld visitation but raised heeeeelll if the check was five minutes late. I’ve seen ex’s discourage the kids from visiting/vacationing with their father (when the father was legally entitled) but would not hesitate to call when they needed more money for trips, clothes, other expenses, etc., and lived a more comfortable lifestyle than their husband.

Before the blog bullets fly (if anybody even reads this), I know that there are a bunch of deadbeat dads that are/were no better than sperm donors. This is directed at the situations where the man actually does what he is supposed to. I was lucky, my ex never used the children to get back at me, nor I her. I wrote my checks without whining and as I have indicated before, I would have begged, borrowed, or stolen if necessary to keep my children in my life. I just hate it when I see either the male or the female abusing the ‘system’.

By abc

January 29, 2007 11:05 AM | Link to this

Jewel, yeah, that’s what I mean — men’s expectations are much lower as far as what being married will do for them, or to them. Men don’t see marriage as that much of a transformation from what the relationship was prior to marriage.

Women seem to be groomed/groom themselves for marriage as a rite of passage or goal in life — Laney was talking about marriage as a goal just last week. Getting married changes everything for women. When being married doesn’t result in the magnificent transformation they imagine it will be, disillusionment is the result.

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 11:07 AM | Link to this

Musing, and you’re the one to do just that..lol

By Tazzee

January 29, 2007 11:08 AM | Link to this

Morning folks!

Back in the day the only thing I wanted to do before getting married is pay off all my debt. Now, I would love to go to Italy before getting locked down, but that’s not a must.

Like JustMe I just want to know without a shadow of a doubt that I desire to spend the rest of my life with the man before I marry him.

WorldTraveler now that I live and work in a predominantly white environment, I’m finding that the same relationship problems are experienced in other cultures that I’ve experienced. The only difference is, they get married much younger and therefore are miserable married folks instead of single. Not saying that all are, but I’m amazed at how many miserable marrieds I come across of other races.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 11:08 AM | Link to this

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts), Amen…been there…

Jewel, she jacked my house, my wallet, and my children! And, she has the nerve to be mad at me.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 11:09 AM | Link to this

**Unhappily ever after: The “nondivorce”

Breaking up is hard — and expensive — to do. That’s why some couples choose to stay together, long after romance is dead, in a state of matrimony that can best be described as the “nondivorce.”

Though the situation varies, a couple in a nondivorce usually remain living together under one roof, more like passionless roommates than spouses.

This is what many of the Black affluent couples practice in Affluent communities in Southwest Atlanta. However, there are some of us who had to get away from the gold-digging, control addicted, insane, witches. Even after they took the houses, get massive child support, and have the children (the fathers are just babysitters), they are still evil and won’t move on…Most of us men have less financially but have found love with the women we should’ve met and married in the first place.**

By Justin

January 29, 2007 11:10 AM | Link to this

And, the problem is these women think that what they are doing is right…

They also listen to the children when the children call their fathers…they have to know all and be in control of all…

By abc

January 29, 2007 11:15 AM | Link to this

…and I cosign Randyt’s 11:04, big time.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 11:15 AM | Link to this

I always liked what Robin Williams said about divorce. “Ahh divorce, from the Roman word meaning to remove a man’s reproductive organs through his wallet”.

By For Real

January 29, 2007 11:20 AM | Link to this

Mornin Blog - For me it is not list of things to do before marriage, it’s more like a path I want to be on before marriage. I believe once I am on that path I will run into a women going in the same direction as I am.

Justin The first step to releasing your anger is to forgive. It’s not for her sake but your own.

Jewel That is the great divide between women and men. Women always feel as if they love more, work more and give more than men. I call it the I’m a Good Woman so it must be the man that is at fault syndrome. You are 100% responsible for your actions. So, take ownership of your poor decisions, lack of motivation, and lack of control over your emotions.

By TonyTheTiger

January 29, 2007 11:20 AM | Link to this

I just had to come out of Lurksville for a moment….

Seems to me that quite a few men (esp. on this blog) are always whining, crying and complaining about how they are jilted with marriage, how men always get the short end of the stick, and the women get all the benefits. Well boo, the f^c%ing hoo. Until man can give birth, put up with adulterous, lying wanna-be playas, and then get stuck to pick up all the pieces, be mama and daddy, and raise our kids ALL by themselves, SO WHAT!!! We (as men) have made our beds, now we must lie in them…..and of course not ALL men are this way, but so many are that it’s ridiculous! Stop blaming the women for our screw ups, man up, and handle yours because a lot of what we’re having to endure today is just plain karma. Peace!!

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 11:21 AM | Link to this

Question for the Ladies: How would you respond after less than five minutes of conversation with a man he makes this statement, “I can tell you are moody.” When you ask how he can make that assessment in such a short amount of time, he says, “but that doesn’t mean we can’t get along or that it will be a problem for us in the future.”

By Pharress_Beuller

January 29, 2007 11:23 AM | Link to this

I hate to beat a dead horse, but the examples of Justin & RandyT really put the fear factor in a lot of men who haven’t been married yet (including me). Now I won’t assume that this is how my future marriage will be, but it does go along with being exposed to successful marriages and unsuccessful ones.

If there are any guys out there who do have successful ones PLEASE share, because, d@mn…we need balance.

By MusingLee

January 29, 2007 11:24 AM | Link to this

Tazzee I’m with you, I really wanted to pay off any debt that I have before marriage….I’m a third of the way there.

Now handing out caveman clubs for the disgruntled guys….

Go out and club the chick of your dreams.

By NoNonsense

January 29, 2007 11:28 AM | Link to this

Good Morning.

There were a lot of things that I wanted to do before I married and I did none of them because I married earlier than I had planned. But since being married I have managed to accomplish a lot of those things and some I know I never will but I still could if I wanted.

Marriage is about sacrifice but it is no more of a sacrifice than we make for our careers and anything else we are indebted to.

Mia did a topic on Building Together and I think this feeds back into that. Probably more so the younger you are the more building together makes sense or even works. The longer you wait to marry it is expected that you would have accomplished or experienced certain things in life. But to put one part of your life on hold until you finish another is by far the wrong way to percieve life in my opinion.

I guess since I am already into it I see things different than those who have yet to be here. But knowing that we own everything together and we built everything together makes it a little more worth fighting for to stay together.

By SeanJohnson

January 29, 2007 11:30 AM | Link to this

@ Randy…u are on point today….and Justin is too…may sound a lil better…but who wouldnt be if u loose everything.

By JustMe

January 29, 2007 11:32 AM | Link to this

Jewel My response would be Dayum right I am (sometime Boo), and when you see my moods swinging, you better have a yes dear for any question I ask you LOL - just so he remember who wears the skirt at home!

Seriously though, the truth sometimes hurts, but if a woman does not know she is moody, then she is reallllllly moody and should consider and anti-depressant during her pre-cycle week.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 11:35 AM | Link to this

Jewel I don’t know how I would respond to him outwardly, but inside I’d be thinking that he’s probably not the one.

By SlimOne

January 29, 2007 11:35 AM | Link to this

Well Howdy folks. I took a personal day so I’m just popping in for a few.

I didn’t necessarily have a dead set of list of things I wanted to do other than the usual, graduate and pay any debt off. In my mind I always felt like I wanted to be able to build WITH my partner on some things. So if we both have everything priorto marriage, what do you spend the rest of your lives doing together?? I’ve already done the hanging out at clubs, getting throwing-up-drunk, have done some travelling and it would be nice to have a SO to do some more of that with. And another thing, just because someone may have all those material things and whatnot….that doesn’t make then any better than the next person. because you can still be an azzhole

By For Real

January 29, 2007 11:36 AM | Link to this

RandyT co-signing your 11:04 blog. I have my kids half the time I still have to pay like I have them 20% of time but like you said RandyT what the price of your children to you… Pay and move on Justin

By MochaTreat

January 29, 2007 11:36 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Alvin

Hey GAman

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 11:39 AM | Link to this

Pharress_Beuller

No Pharress, don’t let me scare you, marriage is most of the time better than being single. I liked marriage itself and I don’t regret it because it is an absolute reality that the three things I love most in this world, my children, would not have come to be if I had not married my ex. One can take a lot of ‘shyte’ if he/she loves his/her children. All I am saying is go in with your eyes wide open about realities and handle them before they become issues.

Re: The first step to releasing your anger is to forgive. It’s not for her sake but your own. I absolutely agree with this. I never found peace until I forgave my ex, my ex-inlaws, everyone and now get along very wellwith all of them.

Now I am very content and happy…and for the record, am contemplating remarrying. To make a marriage work, both of you have to work at doing and being who you were when you were dating…not getting complacent. You have to learn that only giving 50% will not cut it. You need to ALWAYS be aware that your spouse (that beautiful bride) will change and evolve and if you are not on board with that, one day you will realize that you don’t know the person next to you anymore.

Advice: Go to the best pre-marriage counseling you can find and listen. Pay whatever you have to to get the best because I guarantee it is a small fraction of what it costs to end a marriage…and much less painful.

By For Real

January 29, 2007 11:40 AM | Link to this

@Jewel Amen sista for the anti-depressant..

By Wise Diva

January 29, 2007 11:41 AM | Link to this

wow, a lot of interesting comments this morning. Randyt and abc really made many great points!

I suppose our perception about married life, may make us think we have to do certain things before we marry, but I bet most can be done after you get married, we get so caught up in life planning sometimes.

By Debbie

January 29, 2007 11:42 AM | Link to this

Corey, Just wondering if you’re the same person I met in the Super Target in Duluth last May. If so, you are handsome!

By DuShawn

January 29, 2007 11:45 AM | Link to this

“you have to be happy with yourself and where you are in life before you can be a great partner to someone else”…That’s really what it comes down to. Your bank account, credit score, debt to income ratio may facilitate one’s happiness, but often times it has nothing to do with finances. You could have all of that in order, attend pre-marital counseling, openly discuss your expectations of marriage and still have an unsuccessful union. The most important thing to accomplish before you get married is to choose a partner that truly loves you. Forget the finances, debt, earning potential, social status and all the other elitists’ rhetoric. Find you a soldier that’s truly got your back regardless of what you have or have not achieved. When you conquer life’s challenges together it makes your bond stronger. I feel blessed to be happily married and would gladly give my life to spare hers. I have no doubt that she feels the exact same way.

By GA.man

January 29, 2007 11:45 AM | Link to this

When i was married and got divorced it did hurt at first then came the order for child support and alimony….now i don’t mind making sure my son is well taken care of..so it really didn’t matter…i know he has a good home(that i helped to buy) it is only material things..i can and have replaced them..now she is remarried and happy as i am(no more alimony) but i am happy outside and inside…so life goes on..just get over it and move on your life will be better

By T-Mango

January 29, 2007 11:47 AM | Link to this

@JustMe-I feel you on the being ‘head over heels’ in love point. Where the mind goes..the behind soon follows… So, if we go into a situation with divorce always being an option, I think it becomes embedded in our unconscious mind and manifests itself into our realities. But, if both folks agree that divorce is not an option beforehand, the couple probably will fight it out so they can try to stay together. That is, unless, there is some extreme circumstance where there has been a deal-breaker and the only feasible resolution is getting divorced. I can think of two on my end: abuse and infidelity.

@Justin-As I read your posts your anger and pain is evident. The wound caused by your divorce is still very raw. You have every right to feel what you feel and for your own reasons. I just hope that in time you learn to forgive (though you may never forget it) and heal YOU so you can move forward to rediscover your own happiness. Life deals some unfair hands at times. But, that which doesn’t break you will ultimately make you stronger. Keep your head up.

All women are not the same…

By For Real

January 29, 2007 11:48 AM | Link to this

Preach Rev. RandyT…

Pharress_Beuller marriage is the coolest thing you can do when you are on the same page. It’s like running the perfect play in football. It’s simply a thing of beauty when the two of you come together and set goals and then execute them. I like Rev. RandyT is planning on getting married again as well… So, don’t be scared. Each and every marriage is different the two of you will have find the right combination that works for the two of you.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 11:50 AM | Link to this

RandyT but there IS something unfair about a system that gives a man only 20% of the time with his kids for 80-100% (or more) of their financial support. I’ve seen so many situations where the ex withheld visitation but raised heeeeelll if the check was five minutes late. You are correct about this. I saw this first hand with my ex-SO. I could not fathom it because I did not do this. Withholding a father’s right to spend time with his children because of her unresolved issues is contemptible, to say the least.

ABC Please realize that you speak solely from your personal experience. Not all women have disillusioned expectations. I am a self-actualized person. I am not perfect, but my only expectation is that my husband will enhance my already wonderful life! LOL! I do not need a man to rescue me financially, physically or spiritually. He will enhance my life through companionship, understanding me, appreciating me, loving all of me—the good, the bad and the ugly. Of course, I will do the same for him.

By SlimOne

January 29, 2007 11:51 AM | Link to this

^5 to Dushawn Find you a soldier that’s truly got your back regardless of what you have or have not achieved. When you conquer life’s challenges together it makes your bond stronger

Where’s Slim’s soldier?

By Jack

January 29, 2007 11:52 AM | Link to this

Test drive the car before you take it off the lot.

Rule #1 the female is always right

Rule #2 If the female is wrong, see rule #1

By Pharress_Beuller

January 29, 2007 11:54 AM | Link to this

RandyT, I’m not neccessarily saying you and Justin scare me away from the thought of marriage. I just think your experiences represent a dichotomy of the negative thoughts of modern day marriage. I still have optimistic hopes for marriage, but my exposure (and again I’m only speaking personally) to happy marriages are far and few within my age group. So it does weigh in on my impression of marriage.

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 11:55 AM | Link to this

…Most of us men have less financially but have found love with the women we should’ve met and married in the first place.

Justin just keep your head up and do your part…now stealing my AK back from Ga.man

Blog rounds in the air for above posting

Heeeeeey JustMe

you are forgiven Ms.QC

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 11:57 AM | Link to this

..marriage is most of the time better than being single.

Randy I think it is more like 50/50 or 60/40. I have single friends that make the statements “It’s times like this I wish I was married” but I and my married or coupled friends make the same statements about being single from time to time. The both have their advantages.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 11:57 AM | Link to this

Musing You are still crazy! Caveman clubs! Really, they are beating the good women to death…

For Real That is the great divide between women and men. Men always feel as if they love more, work more and give more than women. I call it the I’m a Good Man so it must be the woman that is at fault syndrome. You are 100% responsible for your actions. So, take ownership of your poor decisions, lack of motivation, and lack of control over your actions.

By Anita

January 29, 2007 12:02 PM | Link to this

Men expect women to never change and women expect men to change as they get older. FALSE expectations and feelings get hurt. Women are ALWAYS thinking about ways to improve, change, grow, mature, etc. Men only think of changing to acquire something temporarily or on an as-needed-basis. If you marry them with faults, they really don’t understand why two years down the road you expect those faults to disappear. They understand it about as much as they understand how our hips and stomach somehow changed after the three kids, and endless buffet dinners!

By deepest fear

January 29, 2007 12:05 PM | Link to this

I have a question for those who were once married or even those considering marriage. I recently had a conversation with my wife regarding our lack of spark in the bedroom. She basically told me that between me, our child, and work she had no time or energy to tend to my physical needs. I’ve been trippin off this for the past few days because I cant imagine me spending the rest of my life in involuntary celibacy. Question is has this happened to others? Did anyone ever consider this before they got married? We had no problem before marriage or first year or so of our marriage. This was my deepest fear before getting married, now it come true. To express how bad it is in my mind, I started looking for information on getting a divorce this morning. Can someone help me see the light or yank me off the tracks before the train hits me.

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 12:05 PM | Link to this

Jack: Mayne, you don’t know jackish, LOL…*too bad your post is true 75% - 85% of the time.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 12:07 PM | Link to this

The most important thing to accomplish before you get married is to choose a partner that truly loves you.

DuShawn HEY DUDE!! Where you been? JustMe said something very similar and I agree with the sentiment. I’m very glad that you are happy in your marriage. Now can you please help Justin?? We need some positivity in this camp! j/k

Pharress Keep your optimism dude. Choosing your wife well will probably be half the battle.

By abc

January 29, 2007 12:08 PM | Link to this

Actually Jewel, I’m not speaking of my own personal experience. I’ve been reading women’s perspectives on the topic in the news the past week or so, and what I said earlier is pretty much a synopsis of what THEY said. Makes sense to me though.

Pharress, it’s good to be trepidacious about marriage. The truth is that even in marriages that don’t result in divorce, very few of them are actually a happy or productive union. Very, VERY few! No matter how carefully you go about choosing a mate, years pass and people change, sometimes dramatically, and not in ways that would endear you to them, nor them to you.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 12:09 PM | Link to this

Foots Absolutely not the one. He further tried to back peddle by saying that he says that to all the women he meets, just to see how they will respond. He wants a humble woman, one who will not be offended by that statement. I advised him that he should not throw out such statements and have multiple-choice responses for the woman. Even the most humble woman will not appreciate that. So, have a wonderful day…NEXT!

By Tater

January 29, 2007 12:16 PM | Link to this

Justin, You are absolutely on target with the whole divoce situation. Women know that they will win in a divorce because that’s how the courts have ruled. My ex constantly gives our kids everything they want, not what they need. They will grow up thinking that the world owes them everything including my check every month. This is what women have created, not all, but everyone that I’ve run across. Just wait till the checks stop honey… You’ll have to find another sucker to support your wonderful disposition.

By Deljah

January 29, 2007 12:17 PM | Link to this

@deepest fear: Your wife basically told you that she was tired. That is to be expected after having a child.

Instead of looking up information on divorce, you might want to look up information on hiring a cleaning service to help her around the house or a childcare service to give you and her some “you two” time or her some time to rest. You could also consider actually helping her around the house, instead of being a second child that she has to take care of.

Sheesh.

And, we wonder why the divorce rate is so high? At the first sign of turbulence, people look for the door instead of (obvious) solutions!!

By Pharress_Beuller

January 29, 2007 12:19 PM | Link to this

Positivism!!!! That’s all I’m saying (I knew the fellas would come through). We need that balance…thanks for reppin’ DuShawn, For Real & RandyT.

My point is we don’t hear the positive aspects of marriage from the male point of view a lot, so sometimes we get a false sense of what it truely can be.

I appreciate it when I hear women talk positive about marriage (i.e. Raqi & others), but it hits home more when I hear a man talk positive about it (i.e. DuShawn & others), because I can personally relate on a more common level. Again, this is just my personal view.

By Alabama

January 29, 2007 12:22 PM | Link to this

Evening all, I think the Unites States has made it very easy to divorce and unequally divide up the assets, but remember the kids need clothing, food and a roof over their heads. I think their should be some thought placed in the deliberation on the judge part, such as are the two capable of providing a job for themselves, both need to provide health insurance for the children etc. For myself I don’t have a to-do list, I think life and its events are best shared with someone, no never been married, no children. Justin I like you, you make my readings. Surely to goodness men know they have a high maintenance woman and they won’t change when divorce time come, it seems to get worse. Have a good evening all, justin look forward to reading more, keep it coming- glad I don’t live in SW atlanta.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 12:24 PM | Link to this

Okay ABC You are speaking from your personal experience of reading what women have said. (See Jack’s “Rules.”)Seriously, not ALL women feel that way. That is my primary point.

By SlimOne

January 29, 2007 12:26 PM | Link to this

@deepestfear Deljah is right. I’ve never been married but was in a cohabitating relationship for some years. I had been stressed out from my job as well as other things and one day I came home and everything was SPOTLESS. I couldn’t believe it. And that was some good good loving & go to sleep that day. I was turned on that I didn’t have to ask him to do anything. He took INITIATIVE to help alleviate something so minute as cleaning.

By Tater

January 29, 2007 12:27 PM | Link to this

Deljah, you sure are reading into deepest fears posting. You know nothing about him other than his thought process as of today. How do you know that he sits on his butt and doesn’t help? I worked my tail off and did about everything in my house including cleaning, laundry, cooking and making the kids lunch’s. My ex was a bloodsucking worm. The more I gave the more she took. I would imagine that this is the case for most divorced men talking about this topic today.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 12:28 PM | Link to this

deepest fear I think that Deljah took the words right out of my mouth. If you are not doing your share around the house or spending time with your child to give her a break (and I’m not talking every once in a while, you live this life together and you handle it together), then maybe she is exhausted. I don’t know if your wife works, but I don’t think it makes a difference. The women I have known who are like this were all just tired and needed their husbands to share the work.

By MochaTreat

January 29, 2007 12:32 PM | Link to this

@Deepest fear It sounds to me like your wife needs some help…I agree with Deljah…maybe you should hire someone to help her around the house…if you can’t afford to hire anyone, then you should pitch in and help around the house. I am not sue how old your child is…but hiring a sitter and taking you wife out on a date wouldn’t be a bad idea. If you have a family memeber that can watch your child for a weekend…plan a weekend getaway for her…if funds are low…plan a weekend getaway at home…with you doing all the catering…pamper her to no end….if that doesn’t work then maybe ya’ll need to talk to someone…it may be a physical thing.

By Tater

January 29, 2007 12:32 PM | Link to this

Absolutely amazing..

By abc

January 29, 2007 12:32 PM | Link to this

deepest fear, it’s not just that she’s too tired, it’s also that she’s p1ssed off at you for her fatigue. Getting a maid service or making some other kind of grand gesture might make her interested in you again, at least for a little while.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 12:35 PM | Link to this

Tater He was talking about his sex life, not that his wife is a “bloodsucking worm”.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 12:38 PM | Link to this

abc makes a good point. Man, resentment is a SURE turn-off, more so than being tired. That’s just being tired of being tired!!

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 12:39 PM | Link to this

^5 Deljah Deepest fear, i think that’s the best advice to take is what Deljah suggested, don’t run at the 1st sign of rejection…remember you’re in this for better or worse it’ll all get better, just try talking to her and ask what can you do to help her..maybe get someone to keep your son for the weekend, *Valentine’s Day is coming up soon..good luck to you, don’t turn in your towel and get off the track before the train hits you…

By NoNonsense

January 29, 2007 12:40 PM | Link to this

@deepest fear - I told my hubby once that four hands can do more than two. I have four babies and I work a little more than part-time, cook, clean, do the laundry, balance the check books, do the shopping and so many other things. I have always tried to make time for him with the exception of a really bad time that I went through. Even in wanting to make time for him time would just run out at the end of the day. I showed him the little things that he can do to help me out and it makes all the difference in the world. Try offering to do somethings that has her burdened down or ask her what can you do to make things better. Divorce is such a drastic cure for such a small problem.

By Deljah

January 29, 2007 12:40 PM | Link to this

@Tater,

No, boo, I’m reading what was posted. Deepest fear said that between HIM, working, taking care of a child, she is too exhausted for sex in the bedroom. He’s so upset about the lack of sex, that he’s looking up info on divorce.

The problem, per his post, is EXHAUSTION. If he would help alleviate the exhaustion, then she’d have more energy that could be used in the bedroom. It’s that simple.

He said nothing about his wife being a blood sucking worm. That’s where you’re reading in your experience. But his post wasn’t about you or your wife!

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 12:42 PM | Link to this

Tater I see you have gotten your exercise by jumping to conclusions. We only have one side of the story. Essentially, her advice to him is to consider alternatives to divorce and reasons why his wife has no sexual energy.

By Alabama

January 29, 2007 12:43 PM | Link to this

I think if we stop and think about the qualities that we want in a spouse, mate or partner and not compromise one charateristic for another but on the hand we have to stop and examine ourselves and with that same checklist examine our qualities and what we ahve to give then we will be have wat there. Thrown in marriage counseling ( reputable please, not by a someone who has been married 5 times and have 5 girlfriends), keep the families input to a minimal, communicate, be on one accord that we both have to input 100%, and know that it is a second job and if children enter the picture then that’s a third job and treat each other as equals. I think I might just have something their. Jewel ask him to explain but he probably is not the one.

By Tater

January 29, 2007 12:46 PM | Link to this

Foots, I understand he was talking about his sex life. My point is we are all reading very deeply into a small posting made by deepestfear. I can only relate to personal experience and didn’t mean to take the posting out of context, for that I apologize.

By NoNonsense

January 29, 2007 12:47 PM | Link to this

@deepest fear - One other thing. You would be surprised how much carrying a mental load can affect your physical being. When a woman is preoccupied mentally you can’t get much of anything from us and sex is one of the main no can dos. Talk to her because it may just be something else outside of the physical work that she is having to do that has her acting like this.

If you do all you can do and none of this seem to help then you two need to maybe get some help.

By The Way of the World

January 29, 2007 12:47 PM | Link to this

It is what society has dictated what females do. Here is my story. About 3 years ago I got engaged. She was the love of my life and I thought I was the love of hers. I was 25 and she was 22. We were both young and I was thinking that we could grow in life together and experience things together. She had people in her ear that told her that she should, “Live Life” before she gets married because she would be missing out. To cut a long story short, she cheated and I cut her loose. She begged to get back with me, but once you cheat on me it is a wrap. 3 years later, she is still single.

The moral of the story is to not let anyone ever dictate to you how to live your life. You are you.

By Dr. Kym aka Rested and Relax

January 29, 2007 12:49 PM | Link to this

First off deepestfear must know some of you personally on here..because he made his comment and so far his wife is a bloodsucking worm, he is lazy and not helping around the house and they need a maid and we have guess at the gender of the baby( in his orignal post he didnt mention anything about the childs age or sex. Look deepestfear talk to the woman before you call Ken Nugent and Assoc. See if this is an isolated incident or going to become a pattern.

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 12:53 PM | Link to this

Good point, Way of the World

By Stars

January 29, 2007 12:54 PM | Link to this

Well, my fiancee and I are getting married in March of next year. All because he wants to graduate college, have a house, and get a job with the federal government before we decide to walk the aisle. He just wants the security of being able to support me while I’m finishing up med school. I support him in his decision making because I’ve heard it’s hard to hold a marriage together when both spouses are trying to finish up school.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 12:56 PM | Link to this

SlimOne I feel ya!! I’m with a man now who expects to help around the house, his belief is that if it needs to be done, then we get it done, no matter what it is. That’s how both of us grew up. Every time I put a dish in the sink if he’s around, it is washed, dried and put away. Eating food you didn’t have to cook and walking into a kitchen you didn’t have to clean after a long day is a great aphrodisiac! I pray that he stays just like that.

Well okay, let’s ask Deepest Fear…

Deepest Fear, do you and your wife share household duties? Has she been going through something lately that could be mentally sapping her energy? How are her cortisol levels? Is your child young, because it may be a hormonal loss of sex drive? Do you have a TV in your bedroom?

By Proud Father

January 29, 2007 12:57 PM | Link to this

I agree 100% with Justin. After getting divorced and getting screwed in court, I will never marry again if the woman wants kids. Men think twice before having kids unless you have been married for a long time and their is no chance for divorce…

By Foots

January 29, 2007 12:57 PM | Link to this

Congratulations Stars on your impending nuptials!!

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 12:57 PM | Link to this

Deepest Fear Consider communicating with your wife. Ask her what could you do to help her feel less overwhelmed. Having children is an added dynamic to a marriage. Women need to feel appreciated and less of a sex object. That is not to say she does not enjoy sex. But if she thinks your only goal is to do the horizontal polka, your intentions may be counterproductive. Sex is an integral part of the relationship, but it is not the whole relationship. Try to put your needs aside long enough to put the marriage first. Try making love to her mind.

By Females Complain

January 29, 2007 12:57 PM | Link to this

That is basically what they do. NO MATTER WHAT!!

If you do something, they will find something else to complain about. Or they will find something wrong to complain about. If you do something for them, they will act like it is expected. If you are ready to deal with that then marriage will work out great for you. If you don’t like being told what to do, commanded around like you are a little kid, or treated like crap most of the time, then marriage is not for you.

Women, you want to know why men cheat. Because you drive them to cheat by being non-supportive, argumentative, or by making their lives miserable.

It is what it is. If you want to be treated like crap, marriage is the thing for you!

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 12:59 PM | Link to this

Worldly Way I doubt others telling her to Live Life is what made her cheat. People cheat because THEY choose to. PERIOD.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 01:01 PM | Link to this

Way of the World Why was cheating synonomous with “living life” for her? There are so many other ways that life is lived that have nothing to do with sex. I don’t know if it’s the listening to the advice of other folks that did you guys in, it just sounds like the crazy mistake of a young person and a misinterpretation on her part. Are you still single?

By Foots

January 29, 2007 01:05 PM | Link to this

WOW!!! Some of the comments on here today are off the chain!

And men say that women are bitter?? Please… Some of the men in here today act like they been sucking lemons for six months!

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 01:08 PM | Link to this

Women, you want to know why men cheat. Because you drive them to cheat by being non-supportive, argumentative, or by making their lives miserable. OH MY! (Fe)Males Complain Blaming rather than owning will never change your situation.

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 01:14 PM | Link to this

LOL Foots. I had to check my calendar to see if it’s National Hate a Woman Day and somebody forgot to tell us.

By Teddy

January 29, 2007 01:15 PM | Link to this

Good Afternoon Folks!

I’m usually lurking as most of the old heads around here know. Wise this topic has sparked some heat around here…lol.

@ Jewel… You said “Blaming rather than owning will never change your situation.” to the guy that complained about his ex.

My question is do you give this same advice to women?

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 01:15 PM | Link to this

Deljah Hey you…and I completely agree with your post

By deepest fear

January 29, 2007 01:15 PM | Link to this

The situation is like this. We both work and live in a modest apartment. She was never big on house work so I take care of the bulk of that stuff, dishes, cleaning, washing clothes. She is very focused on the baby, who will be to in April. Our love life has been inconsistant at best since she got pregnant, lately it been non-existant. Am I a little selfish..yes, i admit that. But Im young and cant see myself going on like this for life. She is a good women and I try to treat her like a queen. One issue is that she doesn’t know how to accept help. She was a single mother for 17 years before we met, I try to get her to see that she is not alone in this anymore. I take the baby so she can sleep and she will constantly get up to check on him. I am pretty much self sufficient, i know how to cook but she insists on cooking every night. I am more than willing to cook and help out with our son so she can have her time and recharge her batteries but whats the use if she then just worries about the baby and doesnt get her rest. I was more shocked and hurt that the person I married actually said I was not a priority right now. I dont want a divorce, actually I want the opposite however, I am not one to endure endless pain and suffering for the sake of endless pain and suffering.

By Roscoe

January 29, 2007 01:16 PM | Link to this

I had wanted to plan a “Barbaro” themed wedding reception, but I guess that would be too morbid now. Unless it was like a “celebration of life” kind of thing.

Nope. Still too morbid. I’ll never get married. Not is a Barbaro-less world.

By Confused

January 29, 2007 01:19 PM | Link to this

Way of the World sounds so familar to me!!!!!Maybe you two were not ment to be…These men are furious…I divorced recently and got the new child support law so I am not sucking any money…I did in the beginning want to use our child agaisnt him but stopped quickly bc he is truly a great dad we just failed at marriage but “Way of the World” sounds like somebody I know…Wow Foots you are laying it down as usual I would love to meet you one day!!!!

By Stars

January 29, 2007 01:19 PM | Link to this

Thanks a lot, Foots!

By Tater

January 29, 2007 01:20 PM | Link to this

Until you’ve been there, done that, you will never understand.

By Sexione

January 29, 2007 01:21 PM | Link to this

Foots And men say that women are bitter?? Please… Some of the men in here today act like they been sucking lemons for six months! I was just thinking the SAME thing!!!!

One of the guys actually said last week that men don’t necessarily go around bitter…..Bullish, there’s some bitter, hurt and disappointed bruthas up in here!!! And they will take that baggage on to the next relationship, and the next and the next!!!! Dayum!!!!

Raqi obviously today is National Hate A Woman Day…I’ll have to mark my calendar for next time….lol

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 01:22 PM | Link to this

Foots They have been sucking lemons and drinking vinegar.

Hakuna Matata..what a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Matata…aint no passing craze. It’s our problem free, philosophy…Hakuna Matata!

By beenthere

January 29, 2007 01:23 PM | Link to this

I would hide money and call Cheaters.

By deepest fear

January 29, 2007 01:24 PM | Link to this

I tell my wife everyday she is beautiful and I love her. The only issue we have is sex. But I agree the thinking of divorce is drastic. I am a simple kind of guy. I dont require the house to be spotless all the time nor do I want her jumping my bones as soon as I walk in the door. What I do want is to feel wanted by my wife. Is that a crime? Im sure she has all types of feeling towards me that are not positive, so I thank you all for your perspectives I will attempt to approach this from a different perspective and see what happens.

By Redd

January 29, 2007 01:24 PM | Link to this

Foots i agree with you, men have been bitter for years but probably thought it would’nt be manly if they complained like females do so what’s wrong with complaining about something you don’t like or not happy with? If you can’t stand the, heat get out of the kitchen

By Tater

January 29, 2007 01:26 PM | Link to this

I feel a lot better now. Thanks deepest fear for your insight.

By Sexione

January 29, 2007 01:26 PM | Link to this

deepestfear How old are you? How old is she?

By deepest fear

January 29, 2007 01:31 PM | Link to this

I dont know how I got to be all kinds of lazy, no good, sons of b’s up in here but yall are cool with me anyway.

By aggressively witty

January 29, 2007 01:33 PM | Link to this

Thinking about divorce is NOT drastic. That is reality. Part of a marriage is getting some sexual healing if not for the humping and grunting then most assuredly for the intimcay it affords you to share. There sounds like there is no shared intimacy and if that is the case divorce is not such a drastic step. Broads get divorced all the time for similar reasons but because they can pretty up the “no sex” theory with “lack of intimacy” it makes it SOUND better.

Deepest, talk to your wife, no doubt. Tell her how you feel about EVERYTHING. not just the lack of sex, because really that is more than likely a symptom, not the cause of your problems.

By Females Complain

January 29, 2007 01:33 PM | Link to this

You see, I told you! Females are complaining about Males compaining. That is what they do.

Females, next time your man cheats…. Take a personal inventory on yourself and see why he did it.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 01:33 PM | Link to this

Awww Foots, Raqi, etal

Wrong, wrong, wrong…I love women…but as my Momma said “you think your ‘shyte’ don’t stink?”. We all make ‘bad’ mistakes. That in an of itself does not make us ‘bad’ people.

Men screw up, women screw up…it is what it is. I may bash women sometimes, and I may bash men sometimes. It does not mean I don’t like them, hellz if I hated women, I wouldn’t keep going out with them…but they have flaws, just like men do. The trick is to recognize, and evaluate them, and more importantly YOUR own feelings. You have to ask, is this something I can live with (because in the real world, it will most likely get worse not better)??? Too many times we just jump on the next bus, thinking there will not be another…and compromise in what we need just to not be alone. If you cannot handle being alone, then you are not ready for marriage. It is what it is.

And while I am on my soapbox, if you have gone from one broken relationship to another to another, whether you are male or female, WHAT IS THE COMMON DENOMINATOR??? Look at what YOU can do better in the future. I do, and that is why I am only contemplating marriage seriously for the first time in years, because I finally think that I AM (more or less) FIXED.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 01:34 PM | Link to this

Teddy My statement was relative to his “explanation” for why men cheat. It is the woman’s fault that her man fell between another woman’s legs, betraying her trust, faith and fidelity? Never. Unfortunately, men and women choose to blame rather than accept responsibility for their own actions. I mean, it could be as simple as the choice you have made in a partner. No one held a gun to your head. Examine the reasons why you made the choice. It always comes back to you. Remeber, there are three finger and a thumb pointing back at you when you point your finger at others. Yes this advice is applicable to both sexes. I even give this advice to my self.

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 01:37 PM | Link to this

deepest fear in your first post you said: “I’ve been trippin off this for the past few days…”

So that led me to believe that this is the first incident or rather a fairly recent incident.

Then you come back and say: “Our love life has been inconsistant…., lately it been non-existant.”

Which now sounds like it’s been going on for a while.

Lastly you state that she had been a single mother for 17 years so is it safe to assume that she is at least 40 by now. Maybe her libido is not what it use to be with the pressure of becoming a new mother again after all these years at such a late age. Maybe?

By Demi

January 29, 2007 01:39 PM | Link to this

deepest fear you wife is having flashbacks into the past…counseling with Dr.MusingLee is in order

And I am not joking…

By Demi

January 29, 2007 01:41 PM | Link to this

Redd no one loves a bish ashe man…LOL

By awwwww...Dayum!!!

January 29, 2007 01:44 PM | Link to this

awwwww…Dayum, another Brother done fell for the lottas sex after 40 hype!!

By SlimOne

January 29, 2007 01:46 PM | Link to this

WOW! I dip out for a few and it seems someone threw a BLOG BI*&^ BOMB up in here

By deepest fear

January 29, 2007 01:51 PM | Link to this

I’m 32 she’s 38

By Justin

January 29, 2007 01:54 PM | Link to this

Pharress_Beuller, listen to Randy…and also know that every woman says she is different. Don’t believe the hype. Don’t fall for the okey doke. Get a pre-nup and don’t rush the marriage…

By deepest fear

January 29, 2007 01:58 PM | Link to this

Demi you may be right about the flash backs but it wasn’t me that did that dirt!

Raqi, the incident in question was this past week but its been an issue for going on two years

By Redd

January 29, 2007 01:59 PM | Link to this

Demi, you’re right - some women do but i don’t

By MochaTreat

January 29, 2007 02:00 PM | Link to this

@ Sexione and Foots After having read several of these responses…I have to agree with you…can you say bitter as he#$…oh yeah that’s right you did! LOL

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 02:01 PM | Link to this

Now opening online store fully stocked with National Hate a Woman Day paraphernalia. We have pens, t-shirts, beer mugs, banners, golf clubs, golf balls with your ex’s picture, tool kits, bumper stickers, and the blow up doll you will need.

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 02:02 PM | Link to this

Do you think her having a baby after all those years and then being nearly 40 has anything to do with it?

Speaking as a soon to be 39 yr old, my libido is in perfect working condition, but I do notice that if I let the grandbabe stay at the house I am pretty wiped out just for that one day. My baby is 12 and I am so far from remembering all that goes into seeing after a baby I get exhausted. I can only imagine having to do it everyday.

By Stars

January 29, 2007 02:04 PM | Link to this

Deepest fear, my fiancee has said the same thing. A couple of years ago, I lost my drive for sex, it was kind of like it didn’t NEED it, persay. And when he would say that it makes him feel unattractive and/or unloved, I would just say “I’m tired, I’ve been stressed out and it’s literally the last thing on my agenda right now.” I didn’t want to be a b**ch, but that’s how it was. He finally started helping me with the house and the cooking and actually catered to me for a while, getting me drinks, a snack, whatever. When the tension was relieved and he stopped asking me for it all the time and laid it on me to come “get it,” that’s when things got a whole lot better. You might want to try not asking her for it, because sometimes it does get rather annoying, and leave it to her. I know sometimes that marriage hits that little bump in the road, but it will be overcome, I’m sure of it.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 02:06 PM | Link to this

Alvin and T-Mango, Thanks!

By deepest fear

January 29, 2007 02:11 PM | Link to this

Her being near 40 may be an issue but how do you know? I just frustrated at the moment. I try not to press her for it but what else can I do if I dont do anything than she will think all is OK.

By Redd

January 29, 2007 02:14 PM | Link to this

Amen Justin i plan on having a pre-nup

By NoNonsense

January 29, 2007 02:14 PM | Link to this

@aggressive I was about to say that it is to drastic, but since he says it has been going on for 2 years he does have a problem.

@deepest fear - While there has been some good comments made on here a blog is not where you should be seeking advice or an answer. You need to be seeking help from a marriage counselor.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 02:18 PM | Link to this

Congratulations Stars on your impending nuptials!!

Star, what FOOTS is trying to say in the post above is really…

Congratulations Stars on you hitting the mother lode. Now you have the power and if you have a child, you have absolute power!”

By Justin

January 29, 2007 02:20 PM | Link to this

Redd, also, think long and hard before you make a final decision. If she uses the emotional crying on you stating you don’t trust her, don’t fall for it. Tell her you don’t trust man’s law.

By demi

January 29, 2007 02:22 PM | Link to this

deepest fear regardless, it’s not you…you only have two choices: 1. Help your wife find a solution to the problem…Which with create a deeper bonding with your wife. 2. Punk out and bounce…Which is the normal for 89.9999% of us Americans

Option #1 will open up many blessings down the road…see wife who saves husband

By Teddy

January 29, 2007 02:23 PM | Link to this

LOL @ Justin

By Justin

January 29, 2007 02:24 PM | Link to this

The solution is simple…Make the laws equitable and make the courts from being biased for the mother.

By Josephine

January 29, 2007 02:27 PM | Link to this

Justin, men like you get what they deserve. Your current attidude will surely get you the same, if not worse, woman in your life.

By MochaTreat

January 29, 2007 02:28 PM | Link to this

@ Starblock out all of this negativity. Your marriage will be what ever you and your spouse make it. Remember to keep the lines of communication open and be open and honest about everything.

Everyone doesn’t make out like a bandit after divorce..there are some women who don’t get an ounce of support for their children…some people seem to forget that children are expensive and unless you take care of them on a daily basis (ie they live under your roof 24/ 7 365) that fact will sometimes slip your mind…the older they become the more expensive it is to care for them.

By abc

January 29, 2007 02:28 PM | Link to this

40 is a bit young for a woman to start losing her sex drive. No offense, but has anything changed about you lately, deepest fear? Weight gain, something about you that might be bugging her?

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 02:29 PM | Link to this

@Stars

I was intrigued at your 2:04 PM post. Most of what you said about not pressuring, taking some chores, etc., are textbook recommendations for recouping lost desire. I know that because of my marriage (although the issues were much deeper rooted because she had been sexually abused by her father). My question though is this, do you think that once ‘it’ goes in a marriage, it can ever (or usually) really be rekindled in THAT marriage. I know from my own experience that taking the pressure off never actually resulted in more or better sex, just fewer arguments about it. In my marriage, if I hinted that I ‘wanted it’ or in some way ‘planned it’, that was a turnoff because it wasn’t spontaneous, but if I just ‘waited and hoped’ it was sooooo easy not to for her that it would just get put off again. This is not a reflection on anyone else here, but she put everything and everybody ahead of me and my needs. She always thought that she would “make it up to me” down the road, but strange how she never got to “down the road”.

By Lynnie

January 29, 2007 02:30 PM | Link to this

I suppose a lot of women think that being married means being home every night for a variety of reasons, whether it’s because they want to have dinner ready, or because they want to spend quality time with their spouse. What most women don’t think about it that they CAN still go out and have fun with the girls after being married. Being stuck at home is NOT going to help the marriage, and constantly being under one another’s feet won’t either. Getting out and having fun is part of it just as much as being home together is.

Granted, you can’t go out and have one night stands, or go on dates every weekend, but if you got married then you probably aren’t interested in those to begin with. Travel and fun don’t stop when you slip the ring on, so don’t let that stop you from doing something you might really enjoy. In fact, travel is MORE fun with a spouse, so it should be an incentive. With the added income of another person, travel becomes even more possible.

As for people who think one should have certain “assets” before marriage… well, I disagree. I think part of marriage is accumulating those assets together. Living in a tiny apartment so you can save and buy your first house is something I looked forward to, and as for buying the house… I’m still looking forward to that. Having a good job is a good idea if you’re going to be planning and purchasing a large wedding, but as long as you both have sufficient jobs, why does one spouse have to have an impressive, time consuming position?

As someone who’s married young, I can safely say the fun factor is still alive and well in my life as in my husband’s. We go out together or with our friends, and if we didn’t, I think we might have gone stir crazy a long time ago. Don’t think of marriage as something that will chain you, think of it as a way to broaden your horizons.

By Belinda

January 29, 2007 02:30 PM | Link to this

Justin, that is no solution, genuis. How about, choose the right partner and stop planning the divorce before you even get married?

By Justin

January 29, 2007 02:31 PM | Link to this

The Georgia child support laws now take into account the mother’s income and will impute that income if they feel she is staying at home or underemployed. It is about time. And, the female legislators and women’s groups fought tooth and nail against that change. They succeeded in get the parenting time taken out of the equation but it is still an option for the judge. That needs to go back in as a mandatory because many fathers have their children much of the time. Yet, the mothers are still getting money they don’t use on the children.

By Mo

January 29, 2007 02:31 PM | Link to this

WHAT IN THE HEEZY!! Man ya’ll are off da chain in here. Hate to be another woman up in here on “National Hate a Woman Day!! Some good advice has been given in here though. Since it is after lunch, *”can we all just get along?!” Ohh, and What’s up Crew! SJ, Mocha, SlimOne, Randyt, Foots, Sexione, and errbody else!

By Females Complain

January 29, 2007 02:35 PM | Link to this

It’s simple females. If you hold out on sex with your man, HE IS GOING TO CHEAT WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL GIVE IT TO HIM WHEN HE WANTS IT. If you make your man feel unappreciated, HE IS GOING TO CHEAT WITH SOMEONE WHO MAKES HIM FEEL WANTED. If you NAG your man and COMPLAIN all the time, HE IS GOING TO CHEAT WITH SOMEONE HE DOESN’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO. If you don’t express to your man that he is appreciated, HE IS GOING TO GO FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL APPRECIATE HIM AND YOU WILL BE ON A BLOG SAYING MAN ARE DOGS. Us men don’t cheat because of desires, we cheat because we are driven to cheat. You take care of your end and you won’t ever be cheated on and you will have a great relationship.

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 02:36 PM | Link to this

deepest Her age has nothing to do with a lacking in libido but the added pressure at that age may. Or the newness of it all may. Hopefully she isn’t one of those women who seek out a mate just for the purpose of procreating and then has no other use for him. Let’s hope not. Maybe…I don’t know. I wish I could offer some advice being her age but not knowing her and all of the situation I have nothing.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 02:36 PM | Link to this

In Cynthia Tucker’s column on yesterday, she stated the following…

**marriages were affairs of the pocketbook rather than affairs of the heart. … From biblical days to the 1950s, it was a husband’s duty to provide for his wife. She, in turn, was expected to provide sex, children and housekeeping. It was a quid pro quo that was not just tacitly understood … but written into religious and civil law.”

These days, many Americans, men and women, have rejected that centuries-old arrangement. Our politics needs to catch up to our times.**

That last line is key…“Our politics needs to catch up to our times.”

We need laws and judges who view people as individuals and not with gender bias. This is one change that will reduce divorces and may even encourage marriage. If a man knows he will not be fleeced, stripped of his children and assets in a divorce, more of us would take the plunge.

By deeluv

January 29, 2007 02:37 PM | Link to this

Well….this is my first official blog and I’m a start ya’ll off like this!

This was my Friday Night! I was with a super fine young lady whom I recently started dating and I planned a romantic evening for 2 complete with some Sparkling Zinfindale for a nightcap. Friday was our 2nd date, we went to spot near Stone Crest Mall, had dinner and 3 powerful cocktails (Bob Marley), she was so fine that I could have had any laydee in the entire place, that’s just how they roll, upon leaving for my place after Midnight, she all of sudden stated she wanted something else to drink and was not ready to go to my house, when we arrived at the destination of her choice and then she stated that there was no one there and want to go somewhere else in which I refused, she then suggested we go to her place, mind U the 3 drinks we already had, she didn’t want my Sparkling good tasting Zinfindale, but rather some nasty bitter red table wine, it’s pretty late….I tried to accomodate her by drinking her wine while we encaged in 4play, we both were pretty tipsy but while I was acting like a baby/gynecologist and approx right b4 I asked to remove her pants, which were down by her ankles I might add, I passed out cold in da performance of my duties, when I awoke I was alone on the sofa at which point this superfine young laydee who was intoxicated as much as me grabbed me up by my arm, laid my jackey across my arm put my hat on my head and pushed out the door! When I realized what she had the adacity to do, I got on the cell and let her have like Snoop Dogg, and When I got home I turned to Richar Pryor on her a _ _! She was very apolgetic the next morning once she came to her senses and got my vm, she called several times to apologize in which I was not available boo hooing and asking for forgiveness, now what do you think, pimps and laydeez

By GA.man

January 29, 2007 02:43 PM | Link to this

HOLD IT HOLD IT HOLD IT dayuuuumm i leave and go to court when i get back ya’ll smashing brotha’s across the head…all guys are not bitter i am one of those divorced brothers and i am not bitter so stop saying all…maybe he is just going thru some pain as we all know the pain is the first thing you will deal with when a divorce happens…for those of us that have gone thru one should know…

and no one should be throwing salt at no one for wanting to get married…who ever star is congrats and may God bless you and your spouse

P.S. *Dr. Kym Ken nugent does personaly injury not divorces..heheh* just thought i would let you know

Hello slimone mocha randyt musing mo sexione justme seanj and anyone else i forgot

By Justin

January 29, 2007 02:44 PM | Link to this

Josephine, I bet you are one of those women in Southwest Atlanta who is pretending her marriage is normal all the while you guys sleep in separate rooms. Just planning the next gold digging move…

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 02:44 PM | Link to this

Josephine I know some good brothers who have been suckered by our court systems…95% of the women don’t give a bleep no how

Thanks God for the 5%!!!!

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 02:48 PM | Link to this

Complaining Male I never held out. He always knew he was appreciated. I set aside my feelings many times because I felt it would benefit our relationship. Yet, he still made the decision to cheat because that is what he wanted to do.

By For Real

January 29, 2007 02:49 PM | Link to this

Ladies The men here are just venting. Now we all know how many times you ladies vent on this blog. It’s the men turn just do like we men do when you start venting… Tune us out lol

Now, as far as the non-sex issue. Ladies look at all the excuses you have given to justify her not having sex (Stress, job, children, household). This is not the 50’s men work, men have stress, men have children, and men have household work. You didn’t offer one piece of advice to his wife as to what she can do to improve their sex life. Why? Your advice pull all action on the man to figure out what is wrong, figure out what she needs, and figure out what to try and see if any of those thing would actually work.

In the words of the old blue song - How in the hellz do you expect me to understand when I don’t even know what’s wrong.

By Dr. Kym aka Southern Girl

January 29, 2007 02:50 PM | Link to this

Straight Comedy deeluv!!!

Justin the legislature is in town now is your chance..get a group of angry menfolk who feel pushed around by the system together and go to the Gold Dome. WSBTV loves a good protest.

Deepest to borrow a line from Cool Hand Luke “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” Plain and simple talk to her if she doesnt listen get professional counseling if you fail to find common ground then and only then prepare for the worse. Based on the little knowledge we have of the situation sounds like resentment is going to set in pretty soon on your part…and that will lead to trouble.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 02:51 PM | Link to this

@Mocha and Josephine

Not every woman is a gold digging, sex depriving, ‘bytch’, nor is every man a lying, cheating, financial deadbeat, SOB. Most of us live within the lines. If I have in any way indicated that all or most women are like that, it was not intentional and I do apologize.

Most women are great, and most men are (I hope) at least okay, but not all of us are matches for each other. There are a few things that are some ‘guidelines’ for expectations however.

I could go on and on, but the REAL issue is knowing your potential spouse well, communicating well ALWAYS, giving more that 50% because you really do care, and most of all, learning how to forgive on an ongoing basis. Two people together will inevitably hurt each other once in awhile. Don’t let that cause you to put up another row of ‘resentment’ bricks each time until you realize tooooo late that you have built a wall between yourselves that you cannot tear down…and you find you are sleeping with a stranger.

By Tater

January 29, 2007 02:52 PM | Link to this

Justin.. WOW.. I never agree with Cynthia but she is “on the chain” with that statement.

By WTF!!??

January 29, 2007 02:52 PM | Link to this

WTF!!??? passing out stone cold drunk in the middle of 4 play, is a direct violation of MLB ch.51 sec 803!!

By Whateva

January 29, 2007 02:54 PM | Link to this

Bitter azz men, Bit@hing and complaining…and you wonder why you get what you’ve gotten. Grow up and stop blaming these same women that you were all to happy to screw and play around with for all of your troubles. Daayyyuuummm, the nikkas in here sound like of bunch of itches, whining, crying and complaining GROW UP!!!!!!!

By Alabama

January 29, 2007 02:54 PM | Link to this

Justin it sounds as though you need a friend someone to listen. I noticed you were spilling the exact words in another blog. I will be your friend and listen, can I buy you dinner.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 02:56 PM | Link to this

No, actually Justin, I meant congratulations.

By Confused

January 29, 2007 02:56 PM | Link to this

Justin all divorces aren’t nasty!!!! I regret truly yours was…I am taking mine as a learning experience…The judge wasn’t bias to me we both are responsible for our child’s wellbeing and seeing he equally!!!! Trust some post divorces do overcome the bitterness and work for the child’s well being! Peace is a long journey for some I am even seeking it and I hope it comes to you also!!!! You have to forgive to move on!!!

By Jake

January 29, 2007 02:58 PM | Link to this

What up blog:

Ya’ll are wide-open today. Foots,Sexione, the rest of the Ovulaters, stop giving the dudes a hard time for giving you some real insight into the way men feel after a divorce or while contemplating,.. its common knowledge what women deal with.

Deeluv If I read this right, “you got drunk, fell asleep in the “puddy”….LOL

Either I’ll welcome you to the club or this is a blog confession. I’ve done it, woke up buckkednaked, with footies on, latex still on the love muscle…..Man I was super-fugged up that night…HEHEHEHEHE

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 02:59 PM | Link to this

How in the hellz do you expect me to understand when I don’t even know what’s wrong. You cannot be For Real. That is exactly the point. Stephen Covey said it best: **Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 03:00 PM | Link to this

**Ladies, What I suggest is that you marry a man that has been married before and has children. Once you get married and start dealing with the ex-wife and her antics, you will truly understand what men go through all the time in family court.

I have been fleeced financially but that isn’t what I am upset about…I am upset about how the courts continue to let her control the children and try to control my time with the children. She doesn’t realize she is messing them up emotionally. They are little children and she is so vengeful she has gone insane. Do you know how it hurts a man to see his children cry because their mother is constantly questioning them about what happens at my house and making them feel guilty for being happy and loving their father? Do you know how it hurts a man to know that when he is on the phone with his children, they can talk in a relaxed manner because she is either standing there or listening in? Do you know how it hurts to know I can’t do anything about it because the court system is so f—k-d up and will only slap her on the wrist. I can only assure that they are happy when they are with me. Yet, many of you women will not fight for equitable treatment in family courts for both genders. However, you don’t know the many children who are being messed up because the court system has pushed Black fathers out of their children’s lives? Where is the uproar?**

By Sexione

January 29, 2007 03:00 PM | Link to this

ForReal Venting my azz, most of these bruthas are bitter!!!! GAman, no not all of you are, but dayum, read the posts, it is very clear who’s bitter and who isn’t….and quite a few of the dudes right here are B-I-T-T-E-R!!!! And for the record, Bitter, Hurt and Disappointed Men, y’all don’t have to worry about a sista wanting to marry your Bitter azz, we’d all own bullets first…..and I’ve never had or wanted one……but I would before fooling with a brutha with all of this baggage.

I’m out, y’all have a safe evening….

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 03:01 PM | Link to this

For Real There is no advice to offer the wife because she is not one posting. The comments and suggestions were geared toward the one who presented the problem. What is he suppose to go home and tell his wife, some people on a public forum said that this or that may be your issue? I think not.

The last things a man should ever do is tell his present wife/gf/so is how some other woman does it.

Whether it’s his mother’s cooking, his ex-wife’s cleaning or his last gf’s spending and definitely not some strange women’s opinion, that is definite, as Mr. Doc puts it, “Grounds for Dismissal”.

By Alabama

January 29, 2007 03:02 PM | Link to this

Sorry Justin I retract, I’m scared

By For Real

January 29, 2007 03:04 PM | Link to this

GAman P.S. *Dr. Kym Ken nugent does personaly injury Same thang.. lol

Josephine Tell me would you be in pain if someone decided one day to do the following:

Tell me Josephine would you be in any pain?

By Dr. Kym aka Southern Girl

January 29, 2007 03:04 PM | Link to this

Jewel Habit #5 roles both ways..because in any all relationships are give and take if the person is offering to listen, the person talking has to be willing to say what is wrong. Sometimes we women folk want someone to read our minds, cant he see I am tired, cant he tell I am mad, didnt he see me role my eyes at his stupid suggestion. The key is listening but you cant hear a damn thang if the person is not talking.

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 03:06 PM | Link to this

RandyT I co-sign your 2:51 post 210%.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 03:06 PM | Link to this

Mo Hi there. I’m just catching up on all the hate since I went to lunch. Jewel Are you also serving Haterade in the booth? They might be thirsty by now, sucking on the lemons and vinegar and such. LOL!!

RandyT You seem to be a very level headed guy, and I enjoy your insight. Please know that I don’t include you as a participant in National Hate A Woman Day.

Hey confused How was your weekend?

Good post Lynnie!

By Justin

January 29, 2007 03:09 PM | Link to this

Alabama, Sure, I need a friend.

By DuShawn

January 29, 2007 03:10 PM | Link to this

Deepest There is an Ebb and flow to everything in life. Marriage is no exception. When you have a busy household, you have to implement what I call organized spontaneity. My advice would be to let her know how you feel. Then you make a conscious effort to rekindle the flame. Wine and dine her, date her as if you just met. It’s easy for a couple’s intimacy to get overwhelmed by kids, jobs, bills and the other stuff that comes with adulthood. However, in my opinion, to consider legally ending a spiritual oath because you’re not getting enough azz speaks to the level of commitment you had going into the marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I ‘m not trying to belittle the importance of sex in a marriage. I too know the torture of having to lay up next to some pretty thighs every night and can’t spread them. That’s like forcing a starving man to sleep in a grocery store every night, but can’t touch the food. I recognize the seriousness of the issue, but it’s not a deal breaker. Make her see how much effort you’re putting towards bringing the fire back. Even if she’s not receptive at first, she’ll come around. In the interim, go cop that industrial size Vaseline from Sam’s Club but don’t leave her.

By GA.man

January 29, 2007 03:10 PM | Link to this

by for real personal injury and divorce are not the same thang…i handle disability..so maybe you are right..glad i can say i will never take a single divorce case while i am working..only workman’s comp and disability..divorce it tooooo ugly..but i am glad my ex got remarried..like i said i love my son and would do anything for him…i don’t have the drama that some men have to deal with

I can see my son anytime and we split summer time…hellz the last two summers i had my son the whole time and we both(son&I) enjoyed it

Maybe i am just blessed

By Foots

January 29, 2007 03:14 PM | Link to this

Did somebody say bullet? Heh, heh…

Where is SeanJ today?

LOL @ Alabama being scared of Justin!!

By Justin

January 29, 2007 03:14 PM | Link to this

Yes, Josephine…tell us…Tell us how you would feel if your ex rejected your children if they didn’t do everything he said to do…would you be in pain to see your children crying because their other parent pushed them away because they wanted to see you?

By Sexione

January 29, 2007 03:14 PM | Link to this

Heeyyy Jake Good thing we’re not bitter……now bring my winks and kisses asap and meet me at the spot….lol

I’m out, good night all!!

By Confused

January 29, 2007 03:15 PM | Link to this

Hey Jewel…I went to a meet and greet it was fun!!! Getting ready for the super bowl now!!!!

By demi

January 29, 2007 03:16 PM | Link to this

Ladies be honest, y’all don’t like to think of your man as weak…which is why we don’t even bother telling you what’s going on with us…

but the next woman will listen and not judge

By Daddy-O

January 29, 2007 03:18 PM | Link to this

What the young lady who lives next door did just before she got married was spend a solid week in bed with her the boyfriend she had before she started dating her fiance. Bet that marriage doesn’t last very long.

By Dr. Kym aka Southern Girl

January 29, 2007 03:19 PM | Link to this

Justin has ever right to be mad, anger, upset, p** or whateva he feels..like I said earlier better out than in. Holding emotions in, trying to be brave and put on a front leads to ohhh I dont know crazy plots to do harm to your ex-wife, or Amber Alerts issued because you make a break for the border with your kids or any of the other numerous tales we here all the time. We teach men to hold their emotions in, dont let them see you sweat, blah blah.

Next thing we know Justin is on film at 11 for going ape-shyt and running ex-wifey over at the Burger King or something. BE MAD, BE BITTER JUSTIN—work it out, talk it out, get that dinner with Alabama, join a group whateva it takes.

By Confused

January 29, 2007 03:19 PM | Link to this

GA.man we are blessed that’s all my daughter’s dad have her just as much as me we respect each other time and life!!! It’s a team effort and was not easy at first bc I didn’t want his lover around my child but that was stupid hell he could re-marry and I can’t stop visits so I got over it!!! I learn to pick and choose my battles bc he would not let anything harm her or anyone!!!!!

By For Real

January 29, 2007 03:21 PM | Link to this

Jewel You just proved my point.. There is no way anybody can seek something unless the have an idea what they are looking for. In this case he doesn’t know what is wrong and therefore doesn’t know where to find the answer. Thus, his wife should point out what is wrong and then both of them can Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

You can’t solve a problem between two from a selfish point of view.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 03:21 PM | Link to this

Jake It’s fine and normal to feel pain after a divorce, for both men and women. But what we see here from a few of the men is out and out hatred for the women they chose to marry. That is not healthy.

Most of the women in here have been dogged before, but after months of being on this blog, I can see the healing we are experiencing as evidenced by our outlook on life and optimism that we have about finding lasting love.

All I’m saying is that things are what they are, but we can choose everyday how we want to look at life and its situations. These women are resilient enough to pick up the pieces and move on. Can these dudes follow us into the light??

I have my vest on, shoot all you want…LOL!!

By Justin

January 29, 2007 03:24 PM | Link to this

Confused, you are not confused…you get it…I just wish more women did…

By GA.man

January 29, 2007 03:27 PM | Link to this

Yes Confused i guess we are blessed and i will thank God when i say my prayers tonight..and yes i said my prayers..God only listens if you talk to him…Justin keep your head up and yes blow off your steam i hate to see any man lose it because of divorce so blow away….i think we all understand…take the dinner and blow some more… Thank you God for blessing me…i have no shame in my love for the Lord

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 03:27 PM | Link to this

Confused

You just hit on my biggest fear when the divorce was coming. I was so afraid my 12 year old daughter might get abused by some ba$tard that my ex might take up with (not giving her credit for having enough brains not to fall for someone evil). I told her she had best be careful because the world was not big enough for any ba$tard to hide in if he hurt my daughter. She made fun of that, but it ultimately never became a problem.

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 03:27 PM | Link to this

demigod Alvin What? (See you made call your whole name)

The next woman will listen and not judge?

First of all not all women judge their man on his issues. An opinion or constructive feedback is not judgement.

And second if you feel that all women DO judge how long do you think it’s going to take before the “next” woman starts.

If that statement was true you would be forever going from woman to woman.

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 03:28 PM | Link to this

Females Complain why not divorce said woman or man before divorcing them? There is nothing wrong jumping ship at the first sign of trouble…If you are single. If wife ain’t wifeying, there is no need to cheat…A divorce is in order.

By Confused

January 29, 2007 03:30 PM | Link to this

Justin I am confuse when it comes to finding me and dating…I want a qick fix…I would love to chat with you more…you need supporters…Wise Diva how do I get in touch with bloggers like via email?

By Foots

January 29, 2007 03:30 PM | Link to this

DuShawn However, in my opinion, to consider legally ending a spiritual oath because you’re not getting enough azz speaks to the level of commitment you had going into the marriage.

Good advice to deepest. You said some real stuff right there, bruh. I realize the importance of sex in a marriage too, but this statement needs to be put on a banner and hung up somewhere. Your committment to your marriage is inspirational. I wish that folks would pay more attention to that “for better or for worse” thing they say at the altar. I think that most folks only mean the “for the better” part, not realizing that the ebb and flow is natural in a marriage.

By For Real

January 29, 2007 03:38 PM | Link to this

GA.Man Just jokes to liven up the mood a little.. We are in the same boat. I feel lucky as well. I have my boys every other week and I/we love it.

Confused Stay that way.. It will benefit your kid(s) the most. Always remember, your kid(s) didn’t ask for any of this and you and your ex are the ones breaking their family up. They love the both of you just as much as the other, don’t ever make them feel as if they have to choose between the two of you.

Dr. Kym Thank you for realizing there are two side to the story of divorce…

Raqi But you gave reasons as to why she is behaving that way. Why can’t you give him some advice for her and he presented to his wife as a suggestion from him and not from another woman or this blog?

By Deljah

January 29, 2007 03:38 PM | Link to this

^5 Dushawn! That’s real talk.

By Wise Diva

January 29, 2007 03:40 PM | Link to this

We used to be able to see email addresses, but that was changed, so you will have to request email addresses from each other directly on the blog

By Alabama

January 29, 2007 03:40 PM | Link to this

Justin you said so nice, okay I’m over my scaredness(is that a word). I’ll be your friend and listen as long as you would like and I won’t ask for anything.

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 03:41 PM | Link to this

not giving her credit for having enough brains not to fall for someone evil

Randy Now that statement is golden. No matter how much of a pryck I thought my son’s father was I never questioned him getting with a woman that would mistreat my son because I know his choice of women. I was one of them. When we start making a fuss over our ex having our kids around their new love and questioning their character that says something about us. If his choice of women are evil skanks, then what does that make me? He was once attracted to me. Knowing the caliber of women that whitebread likes I feel that my son is safe. Now on the other hand if she wants act a fool I will show her how a fool acts.

By Alabama

January 29, 2007 03:42 PM | Link to this

Excuse me you wrote that so nice.

By demi

January 29, 2007 03:45 PM | Link to this

Raqi I forgot to add some…*see Alvin’s post on how he truly feels about cheating spouses (our non swingers).

By For Real

January 29, 2007 03:45 PM | Link to this

*“for better or for worse” thing they say at the altar. Amen!! Foots

RandyT That is still my biggest fear. Especially when you keep seeing news reports of the b/f of single mom beat and kill her children. I told my ex the same thing, the world ain’t big enough but I have learned to deal with it with prayer.

Gone Ga.Man Say it again, loud and proud I LOVE THE LORD!!!!!!

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 03:46 PM | Link to this

@Justin

I understand your pain, got the t-shirt. Just know that the anger and the pain will eventually ease off some. I ultimately began to find peace from a church sermon I heard at North Point. Andy Stanley was discussing forgiveness when he said something that cut through me like a knife. He said that if one carries unresolved bitterness into another relationship, it WILL destroy that new relationship. I looked around and realized that the first relationship after my divorce was at least partly killed by this very thing. I knew I wated a relationship, and I realized that if I wanted it to succeed, I had to let it go.

What I am saying is that in my case, and in yours, and in countless others, our ex’s did some things, and the court did some things, that wounded all of us deeply. But it is like a debt that they can never repay even if they wanted to. Do they owe us, probably. But they can’t and won’t repay us for the hurt and the loss. So for our own sakes, we have to someday, when we are ready, just tear that ‘debt’ up and say “debt cancelled, you don’t owe me anymore”. When you can (and you will) reach that point, they don’t ‘own’ you anymore either.

I know you can’t see through the pain now, and believe me brother, I have been there, but peace will come. One day you will be able to smile at your ex and really genuinely wish her well…and all the while, she is wondering what you found that she hasn’t. Trust me.

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 03:49 PM | Link to this

For Real did you not notice that I didn’t say anything until his second posts. That’s when I realized her age was probably close to mine and offered him an opinion as a woman her age as to what may be happening. Now if she was here presenting the issue I would have told her why don’t you try this, that or the other. And if she was on here I could ask her some direct questions. It wouldn’t do any good to ask him because as we see he doesn’t know what is going in her mind.

By kinderbabe

January 29, 2007 03:49 PM | Link to this

i know that you all are waist deep in blogging…lol. but i just wanted to say hey!

By MochaTreat

January 29, 2007 03:51 PM | Link to this

@ Randy I don’t believe I said most or all of anything..I said some.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 03:51 PM | Link to this

For Real I can tell you the two sides of divorce, I was in the middle of my parents’ divorce from age 7 to when I left home at 18.

And to your point earlier, we’d have to hear her side of the story to give advice for her. Really, we don’t know what the hellz is going on. And how can we, since he lives with her and HE doesn’t even know. He has let it go on for two years and is still not any more enlightened than he was as to what the real issue is. It could be ANYTHING: fatigue, depression, weight gain (hers or his), stress. But we were just going off his description of the problem, which pointed to fatigue.

My suggestion would be to ask her gently and supportively and communicate with her, as has been suggested many times today.

By Confused

January 29, 2007 03:52 PM | Link to this

For Real I will remain that way I have one and I did’t want those screeching words to haunt me from my girl that “MOMMIE YOU COULDN”T KEEP DADDY SO YOU GONNA KEEP ME FROM DADDY!!!! I WOULD DIE IF SHE TOLD ME THAT SO I DO RIGHT BY HER!!!!! That’s it to truly I don’t want any more!!!! I am blessed with her and have a KOOL BABY DADDY!!!!!

By Miss QC

January 29, 2007 03:54 PM | Link to this

hey kinderb

By aggressively witty

January 29, 2007 03:54 PM | Link to this

I notice a lot of talk about equity in court preceedings when divorce is coming up and I would say that much of the problem is WHO you decide to marry. I know for a certifiable fact that MWP is a maniac and can be counted on to act a fool if I cheat or otherwise betray her trust, but if we just have “irreconcilable differences” and come to a mutual or even a 60-40 agreement that divorce is best I guarandamntee that things will not get ugly or nasty. Of course if I was divorcing this broad I would be so eager to get the damn thing filed and over with that material things would not even be a huge issue for me.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 03:56 PM | Link to this

Hey kinderbabe!!

Wow RandyT!! I may need to cut and paste that passage for the future…

By GA.man

January 29, 2007 03:59 PM | Link to this

Weight gain is not a reason to get a divorce…come on people alot of things can be worked out…we are looking too far in the superficial glass…come on noe i know we can do better than that

By Dr. Kym aka Southern Girl

January 29, 2007 04:00 PM | Link to this

Real As a kid of divorce, I think my parents and others thought they were hiding alot of things from me. The problem is that kids pick up on alot of what parents give off. Your kids no matter how young will pick up on your dislike, or hatred of the other parent.

So if blogging helps Justin get it out, more power to him…I dont want him holding up traffic on 75/85S because he has decided to show her just how mad he is.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

January 29, 2007 04:00 PM | Link to this

Mocha

I know you didn’t. I was just saying that it is easy for all of us, me included, to generalize because of a few bad apples, male or female ;-). Like I said, most of us live between the lines.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 04:01 PM | Link to this

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts), I have gotten over the fleecing but what bugs me is the emotional blackmail she does to the children…

I know, I need to let it go but I can handle it…but they can’t…

By Foots

January 29, 2007 04:01 PM | Link to this

aggwitt Your point brings up an interesting question… For those of you whose divorce took you through the wringer, what was the reason behind your divorce?

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 04:04 PM | Link to this

Raqi I am use to dating women in your age range. You don’t count, for y’all judge the lease…in my opinion…I am use to being judge all the time due to my problem, things happens.

By For Real

January 29, 2007 04:05 PM | Link to this

Raqi Foots I believe we are saying the same thing and I will quote that old blues song again:

How in the hellz do you expect me understand when I don’t even know what’s wrong I left this part out last time Lets straightin out! Are you listening Deep?

Justin co-signing RandyT If not yourself, do it for your kid(s). Trust it does get better and better no doubt…

RandyT and GA.man yall dropped some real talk today. I hope everyone paid attention…

By Foots

January 29, 2007 04:05 PM | Link to this

GA.man Who said weight gain was a cause for divorce?? If you are referring to my post, weight gain can be a cause for a decline in libido. Which is what she is experiencing. Maybe it’s physical only, but maybe it can take a toll mentally too. Sometimes, when people gain weight, they may not feel as sexy as they once did, leading to a decrease in sex. Sometimes, their partner may not be as turned on by them as they once were, leading to a decrease in sex. I think that’s why abc asked the question originally.

By Demi

January 29, 2007 04:05 PM | Link to this

Heeeeeeey KB!!!

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 04:09 PM | Link to this

Confused wazzup, you are here by banned from using the Caplock button, LOL.

By For Real

January 29, 2007 04:13 PM | Link to this

Foots Irreconcilable Differences is the number reason for divorce since passage of the “No Fault” divorce laws. Approx. 88% of the divorces are file by women for that reason.

By Tater

January 29, 2007 04:18 PM | Link to this

Foots, the reason for my divorce was my ex’s decision to “rekindle” her first romance in high school. After months of her denying it and telling him how much she loved him, I couldn’t take it anymore. It eats you up inside knowing that the woman you love, respect, honor and trust stabs you right in the heart and kills your spirit. That’s why I posted before, you have to been there done that to understand the pain of the seperation of two joined as one. God hates divorce and He has forgivin me for that. I have moved on, believe me. It’s just some of the comments about man bashing really got me fired up. Justin is right. The courts don’t give a dam* about men, that’s why the GA legislature changed the law, because they were getting screw** in court as well!! I wish my ex nothing but a successful life. She has created this mess and I am optimistic that the Dad bashing will eventually get old with the kids. Only time will tell.

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 04:20 PM | Link to this

RandyT I’ve felt that fear…When greedy’s mom start dating this dude…too bad he’s a very upstanding dude…like me, LOL

I am heading to the shooting range this afternoon and work some stress off

By MochaTreat

January 29, 2007 04:21 PM | Link to this

@ Foots…well he (my ex) decided that he didn’t want to married anymore…so one day while I was at work…he moved all of clothes out of our apartment…no note no phone call no nothing…we didn’t hear from him for several months…and when he finally called…he said he left because he didn’t want to be married anymore.

By GA.man

January 29, 2007 04:23 PM | Link to this

Foots i understand that..all i was saying is that shouldn’t be a reason..work it out or workout together…that’s all i am saying….love goes two ways..

when it is good it’s all good

when a divorce comes..love yourself and the pain will ease..i am not saying it will be easy but you will get through it…i can say this i have been there before

most of the time it is like someone said to me when my mom died..”I understand” i just looked at them cause thier mom was still living..how can you understand..

Justin just take it one day at a time and shower your kids with love and it will get better..trust me

By Foots

January 29, 2007 04:27 PM | Link to this

Tater So your wife cheated? That is tough. And it’s even tougher that you got screwed. I guess you don’t agree with females complain’s previous posts then?

For Real Do No-Fault divorce laws make getting divorces easier than before? I wonder how the divorce rate was affected by them?

By MochaTreat

January 29, 2007 04:30 PM | Link to this

Goodnight all…time to go home!

By Raqi

January 29, 2007 04:31 PM | Link to this

Quote of the Day:

Love makes time pass; time makes love pass.

I am going home, throw some logs in the fireplace and some steaks on the grill and have myself a wonderful evening.

Y’all have a good one.

By Justin

January 29, 2007 04:31 PM | Link to this

GAman, Man, I never thought a woman could be so evil…taking it one day at a time…

By Foots

January 29, 2007 04:31 PM | Link to this

Mocha That is really horrible. You seem to have come out fine on the other side though. How did you make it through something like that?

By T-Mango

January 29, 2007 04:34 PM | Link to this

My LAWD…I check back in after a few hours and what in the heck happend up in here? Dayuuum. As a woman, I am not feelin’ the love 2-day.

Deep breath. Let’s all relax, relate and release Please join me for a hugging session. We’ll start promptly at 5PM…

By MusingLee

January 29, 2007 04:35 PM | Link to this

Now flipping switch and watching as newly installed sign glows bright red……..

Musing’s Love Shack

Where 4 minute lov’in will leave buns in the oven!

Also installing sign that reads

Child Support not Available

By deepest fear

January 29, 2007 04:38 PM | Link to this

Thanks for all the advise, I have a lot to do and think about.

By Foots

January 29, 2007 04:41 PM | Link to this

Gotcha GA.man. The way your post read, it seemed like someone had said that it WAS a reason.

But you know what? Speaking of deepest fears, that is one of my SO’s deepest fears about marriage, that I will gain a bunch of weight. His other is that I will forget about him once we have children. I guess that mine are that he will gain a bunch of weight and that he will take me for granted. All of the other unknowns don’t bother us, we hope to just take them as they come. The weight thing is pretty superficial, since we are both aware that bodies can change, I know…but none of those are divorce-seeking offenses, and are things that can be worked out. I want to marry “for better or for worse”.

By Tater

January 29, 2007 04:43 PM | Link to this

Foots, I can only speak for myself based upon my own experiences.

T-Mango, after hugging can we have smores and sing kumba-ya? See ya at 5:00pm!!

By NCgirlfromATL

January 29, 2007 04:46 PM | Link to this

Afternoon all I had a great post to Justin and then my computer farted and I lost it! LOLOL!

So, I’ll just say, that I’m filing an injunction to prevent the opening of Musings Love Shack until he can show the State that he has fully stocked condom machines, spermicide, Hefty garbage bags w/ ties, and any other thing he can cover the wang with since Child Support is not available. Cuz, I’d hate to have to show up with the brood on his doorstep…

*a whole gaggle of Musing Lee-ettes in various ages, including the littlest one in a sagging diaper, picketing in front of Musing’s Love Shack…”No Glove, No Love…MusingLeedoesn’tfeedhiskidsbutdrivesaRangeRoveron26’s!!!”

‘Night all!!

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 04:51 PM | Link to this

Confused Good for you!

Kym I agree with your 3:04 comment. Yes, it takes two. As I have said before: *Relationships are give and take. This does not mean one person *gives their all and takes all the crap.

By abc

January 29, 2007 04:51 PM | Link to this

Now, yall might think your spouse wouldn’t stick it to you for ‘irreconcileable differences’, but I’m tellin ya… my ex was just fine until she heard I had a girlfriend. Ballistic, took me back to court, and took my kids. The legal scene really, really favors the moms, even if they initially give up custody voluntarily. That beeyotch grew horns, and the best family practitioner in the South East couldn’t win my case — and all she filed about was that was what she wanted now.

By For Real

January 29, 2007 04:54 PM | Link to this

Foots http://www.aamft.org/PressRoom/Pressreleases/risk.asp

Mocha That was low… I am sorry you had to go thru that

T-Mango Can we get some drinks with that huggin??? I am more touchy - feely after a few drinks..

By Jewel

January 29, 2007 04:54 PM | Link to this

DuShawn That was solid advice you gave to Deepest.

By MusingLee

January 29, 2007 04:55 PM | Link to this

NCgirl Musings Love Shack has just hired a team of children hating dogs…..Now get off my property with those ragamuffins…LOLOLOLOL

Nite Er’body!

By T-Mango

January 29, 2007 04:56 PM | Link to this

Tater..I’ll see you at 5PM. Smores and a song? You got it.

All, the soul train line will begin at 5:30PM. Anyone else joining us? (lol)

By Justin

January 29, 2007 04:56 PM | Link to this

Let’s face it…marriage has declined because you women wanted everything…so now just let the percentage further decline until it is no more…

Blame your feminist sisters…

By GA.man

January 29, 2007 04:57 PM | Link to this

Filing a motion to block Nc girl’s…musing lee love shack will open as expected…lolololhahahahhahhahhaahahahhah

By Alvin

January 29, 2007 04:58 PM | Link to this

abc aint that something…

Good Night All

By T-Mango

January 29, 2007 04:59 PM | Link to this

Drinks…Sure can. There will be Colt 45’s and ripple. Any other requests?

By DuShawn

January 29, 2007 05:00 PM | Link to this

@Foots fears about marriage, that I will gain a bunch of weight. His other is that I will forget about him once we have children. I guess that mine are that he will gain a bunch of weight and that he will take me for granted. I gurantee you all of the above will happen at some point. Then you hit the gym, find some babysitters, and get refocused on one another and get it back right. In a couple of years, the process repeats itself. Its the ebb and flow.

By Justin

January 30, 2007 09:37 AM | Link to this

Quote from Glenn Sacks column… www.glennsacks.com/censusshowsmajority.htm

A woman’s discerning, critical nature doesn’t disappear on her wedding day. Most marital problems and marriage counseling sessions revolve around why the wife is unhappy with her husband, even though they could just as easily be about why the husband is unhappy with the wife. In this common pre-divorce scenario there are only two possibilities-either she’s a great wife and he’s a lousy husband, or she’s far more critical of him than he is of her. Usually it’s the latter.

Despite this week’s media homilies, it’s doubtful that many men or women are truly happy alone. Much of women’s cheerful “I don’t need a man/I love my cats” reaction has a hollow ring to it, and sounds a lot more like whistling in the dark than a celebration.

Yes, there are some men who make poor mates, but not nearly enough to account for the divorce epidemic and the decline of marriage. While it’s easy and popular to blame men, many of the wounds women bear from failed relationships and loneliness are self-inflicted.

By Confused

January 30, 2007 10:34 AM | Link to this

Justin Ihow can I contact you without posting our info on this blog?