Misadventures in Atlanta

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 8:09 AM | Link to this

Morning JustMe,Sexione,kinderbabe,GA.man,Mocha,Mo,Demi,Musing,For Real,NC, and crew

I’ve never been married so can’t speak too much on the topic However, when I do meet someone that is divorced I automatically assume that they will be less apt to want to do it again. I am the same way when I meet guys with kids already. I guess I’ve always envisioned me being with someone that we both could experience those things together for the first time (marriage and kids). I was just telling a friend of mine that as I get older, the chances of that get smaller and smaller. I have noticed many divorcees do seem a little more guarded and bitter….but isn’t that what hurt people do?, build up a wall. I’m guilty of that as well.

By Confused

February 27, 2007 8:22 AM | Link to this

Great topic and guilty as charged so guilty that I gave the wrong info yesterday trying to call myself mix and mingle…At any rate the email is bubbles0879@gmail.com…With all the new dating sites and using differnet user names I got mixed up which anserws your question…Post my divorce and learning this dating thang I do get toung tied but it is not in a corny way or turn off way…I learning…I was wondering how how was going to come back with a cute clean up today after that slip up but Diva you are on point with the topic…So once again feel free to email me anyone…Just trying to meet new people outside my circle…

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 8:25 AM | Link to this

Good Morning.

Never been divorced just a widow.

I told about my friend Lacy a few weeks back that dated a divorced guy and soon found out she was a surrogate wife to him. In a moment of passion he spoke his ex-wife’s name. I guess that would be as you put it a “model” of the former.

By Confused

February 27, 2007 8:25 AM | Link to this

MorningAll, to everyone and that explains my name Confused…Just a little confused bc I am doing this so backwards…What I am doing now as far as dating, mix and mingling should have been after college and getting married later…But anyway I am learning and enjoying the ride…

By lee

February 27, 2007 8:28 AM | Link to this

My divorce is only three months old and though I’m not intrerested in dating anytime soon I know that there is still joy in life and that there are good men out in the world. I like to think I will be able to leave behind the hurt from the divorce and know that I cannot compare any men that I meet to my ex-husband. There is no fairness in that to that person or to me. I have not decided when I’m going to venture out into the dating world or really what I’ll be looking for in a man, I’m going to step back and learn about myself again.

By gagyrl

February 27, 2007 8:31 AM | Link to this

I am soon to be divorced and can’t wait. My ex cheated and lied to me SOOOOO much during the marriage and is still lying to me about stuff, go figure………Yes, I think after you are hurt by someone that claimed to love you, you are very guarded and non-trusting of anyone. Maybe this is a crazy thing to say; I am invloved with a sweet youg man right now-however, he can go or he can stay, it makes me no difference. Never again will I put my feelings all out on the table. It’s a waste of time.

By MochaTreat

February 27, 2007 8:36 AM | Link to this

Good morning Slim,Sexione, Foots, Justme, Kinder, QC, Randy, Demi, Musinf SeanJ, GAman and crew

How does divorce change your outlook on dating, relationships, and marriage? It made me a lot less tolerant of foolishness. Have you ever dated a divorcee? No, but I am not against dating a divorcee…none have come my way.

Divorced single or never married single- is there really that much difference between the two? I don’t think there is much of a difference…some divorced people have vowed never to marry again…however some single people don’t ever want to marry. For me dating has been hard…but well worth it!

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 8:39 AM | Link to this

May will mark nine years since my divorce and if divorce has affected my outlook on dating, relationships and marriage in any way, it would be that I’ve become much more deliberate in my approach to all three of those areas.

Unlike many, divorce hasn’t “soured” me at all towards the idea of marriage. In fact, I’d love to be married again someday. However, as I consider my own personal biases toward the type of woman I’d be attracted to as a mate, her physical attributes have become less important to me since my divorce and I’m now more concerned with other characteristics, such as trustworthiness, spiritual compatability and loyalty.

Although I fight the occassional bout with loneliness, I’m very much at peace in my singleness and am content to wait until the right woman comes along. Because if there’s one thing divorce has taught me, it’s that I don’t want to go through it again.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 8:41 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Wise Diva, Good Morning All

I think the first thing that needs to be stated is that what you are going to get are OPINIONS tempered by each person’s personal experiences. Not Right Necessarily, Not Wrong Necessarily…just opinions.

Do divorced men want the exact opposite type of who they married before?

Yes, No, Maybe. People who go through a bitter divorce tend to think they want someone exactly opposite, and usually their ‘transition person’ is. But what they fail to recognize is that they are almost always bringing a tractor trailer full of baggage, hurt, and anger. So the first relationship is almost always doomed to failure, especially if they are dumb enough to get married while they are still needy.

Eventually in many instances, divorcees do tend to gravitate back toward the familiar demon…someone like their ex. I watched an interview with Chuck Eubanks from a TV show that used to be on for years called the “Newlywed Game”. Eubanks said that after a number of years, they actually started inviting back, new “newlyweds” who were actually some of their originals with new spouses. He said that almost invariably, their new spouse was just like their old one. “The devil you know….

How does divorce change your outlook on dating, relationships, and marriage?

If one gets past the ‘needy’ stage without getting hitched again, one gets more cautious, more cynical, more analytical about who they are seeking. But as someone said here, (very wisely I might add), everyone is someone else’s castoff. There are almost always reasons why we are no longer marrried…we all have flaws. Divorces have all of the major stupidities of “still singles” without at least that romantic hopefulness that singles have. We eventually get it back, or at least some of us, but the wonderful blankness, innocence, and naivete gets boxed and put away…if not from the marriage/divorce, at least from the experiences from that first year or two in the singles “warzone”.

Have you ever dated a divorcee? Do you think there are pros and cons of dating someone divorced? If so, what are they?

Yes, and yes. The good is shared experiences, the child rearing experiences, and a more total awareness of the needs of the other that comes just from having to know and share. The bad is the cynicism, and distrust.

Are divorced singles more adept at navigating the dating scene than us never married single people?

I would say yes and no. The over 40 singles crowd have a boatload of baggage, as well as experience so it is always a double edged sword. I am not sure which is worse.

Divorced single or never married single- is there really that much difference between the two?

Absolutely. No similarity what so ever, IMHO. Totally different species. All of us are a montage of our life experiences. Marrriage, parenthood, divorce, etc. are life and people changing experiences. We eventually do become different people.

Thought I would throw in my opinions. As hard as it is to believe, this is the abridged version, LOL.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 8:42 AM | Link to this

gagyrl how long were you married and how old are you?

By SeanJohnson

February 27, 2007 8:43 AM | Link to this

Morning Blog…Although i have never been married…Half of my friends i grew up with married young…and I kinda feel like i went through the divorce when my brother went through his. And its emotionally draining..from both parties stepping out..to living with a person that u dont even speak too and sleeping in seperate beds to having to eplain to kids if they are involve that the family is splitting up as they know it. I would date someone that has been through a divorce but me myself getting married isnt something i can relate to at this time. The few females i have dated that have been divorced seem to have a more realistic few on how dating should be..which is dating..nothing more or less…only negative draw back i have ran across is …they have trust issues..

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 8:44 AM | Link to this

Darrell

Good post and very similar to my experiences. Thanks

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 8:53 AM | Link to this

G’ morning…..

Been married before…and no, it hasn’t changed my outlook on dating, or getting married again….I just learned a lot in the discourse of things….ala Shai, “If I ever fall in love again,” the girl won’t be just like her…only similarities I’ll be looking for is maybe the size 0-4……but that’s negotiable.

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 8:53 AM | Link to this

Is being hurt through divorce more painful than being hurt after being in a deception relationship? Being that I never experienced divorce but have experienced heartbreak after having lived with someone that I truly loved, I wander is it all that different. The only thing that made it not be a marriage was not having the legal document. But other than that I was in it with I had. And believe, after it crashed and burned I was tore up on the inside. I lost all trust in all men and relationships for that matter for a short span of my life. I am just wondering if it is that much of a difference. I don’t know.

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 8:59 AM | Link to this

Randy Thanks for the thanks.

Sean You raise a good point and one that I’ve run into myself since my divorce, and that is the issue of trust (or lack thereof) among many (not all) women who are also divorced.

I’ve often had to “pay for the sins of my predecessors” because the woman just wasn’t able to look beyond her past experience with her ex-husband and realize that “not all men are dogs” and that there really are some good, honest, hard-working men out there. (Note to the ladies: I didn’t say ‘perfect’, just ‘good’). :-)

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 9:04 AM | Link to this

Goodmorning Everybody!!

Not much to add here, I’ve never been married. Have met a few divorcees and as I recall, all vowed they would NEVER marry again…..never actually dated one though.

I do have a good friend at work who is going thru divorce right now and she is really scared that she’ll be left to raise the kids (2) all alone. Although, that is probably the main reason she decided to leave…..she was doing all the parenting while daddy didn’t help with discipline, schooling, or parenting in general.

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 9:04 AM | Link to this

nah, Raqi….hurt is hurt is hurt….divorce is just the culmination of a lot of hurt….whether it’s marriage or an extended courtship……

dang gal, WhiteBread musta put that thy-ow on you….you still frettin over him?

By JustMe

February 27, 2007 9:04 AM | Link to this

Good MOrning SlimOne, SexyLeggs, Demi, Musing, Randy, Jake, GA Man, Mocha, NC Atl, Raqi, Newbies, Lurkers and imposters

How does divorce change your outlook on dating, relationships, and marriage?

I only plan to Marry 1 Time, so in terms of divorce, I think that if it’s even in the back of my mind, I am not ready to jump the broom

Have you ever dated a divorcee? Yes

Do you think there are pros and cons of dating someone divorced? Yes

If so, what are they? **I think that once a person has been divorced, they should have a better understanding of what it takes to make a relationship last, they should understand the ideology of comprimise as well as commitment.

Are divorced singles more adept at navigating the dating scene than us never married single people? I can’t speak to this, I think no matter your current or previous marital status, there are pitfalls and challenges to dating

Divorced single or never married single- is there really that much difference between the two? Yes, I think there is a major difference. It’s kind of like being a virgin or not being virgin

Off to my (:)) Meeting……… I’ll be back :-)

By Tater

February 27, 2007 9:06 AM | Link to this

Darryl Although I fight the occassional bout with loneliness, I’m very much at peace in my singleness and am content to wait until the right woman comes along. Because if there’s one thing divorce has taught me, it’s that I don’t want to go through it again. You are absolutely correct. I don’t ever want anyone to go through the private hell of a divorce. It’s even harder when children are involved. I’m starting to finally discover myself after 19 years of marriage. I am able, as a single person, to do the things that interest me.
I don’t believe that I will ever “marry” again. That piece of paper seems to really makes a difference. IMHO, people can become frustrated in a marriage and the only way out is through the courts. This to me is very sad. People go through life expecting the best in a mate and sometimes it just doesn’t work out. I would like to find that special someone but it will be a long term relationship with marriage way in the future. This is my dream, not sure if it will come true or not…

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 9:07 AM | Link to this

Raqi That’s how it was in my situation. I was not married but living together basically dayum near married with the exception of that legal document. During the break-up I really felt as if I was going through a divorce and I still have small trust issues when it comes to men. However, I am a work in progress trying to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. To me, there is no feeling like the devastation felt when someone you love whole-heartedly and have trusted 150% does something to compromise the trust. It’s like someone takes your world from underneath you. I guess it’s natural to never want to open yourself up to someone like that for fear of being hurt again. There were times when I would’ve rather opted to take physical pain over that terrible emotional pain had i been given that option. But we live, learn, put another T-SHIRT in our collection, and move on.

By Mo

February 27, 2007 9:09 AM | Link to this

Morning All!! As someone who will soon be divorced, I am not jaded about moving on. I know that I did wrong and was wronged in my marriage. I can accept that and I can accept that life does go on. I regret having brought a child into a messy relationship but I wouldnt trade him for anything in the world. I am just concentrating on getting *Mo” back in order, doing things differently. I dont play the blame game, it is what it is. I hate to be going thru this but I would hate to be miserably married the rest of my life too. You live and you learn. My outlook on marriage and dating has not changed. I am fortunate enough to have both sets of granparents still alive and together for over 60yrs AND parents still married for over 30yrs. Its something, or someone, out there for everyone!

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 9:10 AM | Link to this

Goodmorning Everybody!!

Not much to add here, I’ve never been married. Have met a few divorcees and as I recall, all vowed they would NEVER marry again…..never actually dated one though.

I do have a good friend at work who is going thru divorce right now and she is really scared that she’ll be left to raise the kids (2) all alone. Although, that is probably the main reason she decided to leave…..she was doing all the parenting while daddy didn’t help with discipline, schooling, or parenting in general.

By QC

February 27, 2007 9:10 AM | Link to this

Morning Bloggers

Sexie1 mail call

Have a great day all…..

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 9:10 AM | Link to this

Good Morning All,

Never been divorced come close to the altar twice and a few bad break ups in between. It can leave you with a sour taste and a bitter feeling but at some point you re-evaluate, take note of yourself and move forward. I have dated a few divorced guys..and their opinions of re-marrying run from the I’m so lonely I could die!!! To the ever popular.. Are you serious never ever ever ever again!!!

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 9:10 AM | Link to this

Raqi

Good post and good question.

I don’t see this as a question of “differences” in divorce and relationships that don’t work out. As I see it, hurt is hurt, with the only difference being the circumstances that cause it.

My only issue - and I’m glad you’ve been able to work though this - is when a woman makes me pay for hurt caused to her which I had absolutely nothing to do with. That’s what I meant in my earlier post about being made to “pay for the sins of my predecessors.”

I’m not saying you (or any other woman in a similar situation) should not have their “guard up” to a certain extent. But to make a man work harder to “prove” himself worthy of your trust based solely on the fact that he happens to be a man (which is the only thing I’d have in common with the person who hurt you), is unfair on that basis.

That’s all I’m saying.

By GA.man

February 27, 2007 9:10 AM | Link to this

Good Morning all

I have been there and i am looking forward to getting married again one day…sometimes things in life just don’t work out…i dealt with the pain and Didnt bring anyone in until i was ready i think that is the biggest problem…some people bring someone in to date them without being over the ex or the painful divorce

You know the story the easy way to get over one love is to get another..

By i'm swiss

February 27, 2007 9:23 AM | Link to this

Do divorced men want the exact opposite type of who they married before?

In my case, my ex was a lesbian. So, that would be a big YES. ;)

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 9:24 AM | Link to this

You know the story the easy way to get over one love is to get another.. GA.Man that line reminded me of the lyrics from this Keb’Mo’ Song The Itch.

You get the fever, you get the itch, you forget about the mess you were in, you forget about the money, the lawyers and the pain..and do the same damn thang all over again.

By Museq

February 27, 2007 9:25 AM | Link to this

I’ve never been divorced but hell, regular break ups are difficult enough! I can only imagine the mental stress and strain that goes along with getting a divorce. That’s why I think I’ve been quite patient up to this point. Although marriage is something I definitely would like to experience…I’m not willing to either settle OR rush!!

By abc

February 27, 2007 9:26 AM | Link to this

Familial relationships as described in Collossians 3 and elsewhere in the Bible are ideal. Resistance to that is a worldly ill. I’ve been divorced twice, and if I (and they) had subscribed to those descriptions, I’d not be divorced now.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 9:30 AM | Link to this

i’m swiss did you not notice any signs of her possibly being a lesbian prior to the marriage?

By Michael Matthews

February 27, 2007 9:32 AM | Link to this

As as divorced man twice over, dating can be very hard. You want to believe in getting a fresh start and not taking baggage from the old life into the new one but it happens. If you’re coming out of a marriage where there was constant controversy and strife, you want to move away from that and endulge in something simple and less stressful. I often found myself wanting to date only women who would say yes to my advances and who didn’t need to be in a deep relationship. I wrote about those experiences in my book, Life and Love, it’s all about poetry. www.montgomeryproductions.com

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 9:33 AM | Link to this

GAMan

some people bring someone in to date them without being over the ex or the painful divorce

So true. I have that t-shirt. So many of us think that we are the ‘exception’ that we are “READY” and over it. One of the best lines I hae read in this blog, and I am sorry for being unable to remember who to credit it to, was “just because a wound has scabbed over, does not mean it is healed”.

What happens is that a new relationship is just anaesthaesia. It deadens the pain, but you really aren’t healing because you haven’t pulled out the loss and properly grieved it. It is like an NFL player taking a painkiller, to keep playing. He still has the compound fracture and it is geting worse, but he doesn’t feel the pain and let it heal. One can delay the grieving, but it will not be denied. Sooner or later you have to deal with it.

When you are no longer needy, when you are healthy alone as well as with someone, and when you are totally comfortable in your own skin…then dating can be really good…and you can go into a new relationship and make it work.

By SeanJohnson

February 27, 2007 9:34 AM | Link to this

@ WD…you going to see Oprah made me think about a debate i had last nite

Off Topic…did anyone see the Oprah special about the all girl school she built in South Africa??

By dumb enuf to remarry

February 27, 2007 9:35 AM | Link to this

I remarried 3 yrs after my divorce and couldn’t be happier. Of course I am bending over backwards to make the divorce work simultaneously.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 9:37 AM | Link to this

SJ I watched the special. They are going to re-air it on Saturday at 8.

By T-Mango

February 27, 2007 9:39 AM | Link to this

Good morning all.

I have never been up the aisle. However, I am currently dating someone who is divorced. We are both in our 30’s. I would like to be married and have children. He wants to remarry at some point and have children. I have found that he is more attentive to me and my needs than men that have not been married. He listens and is more patient with me overall…I think that is a combination of his personality and lessons learned from his past marriage.

On the flip side, I think that he is also cautious based on his previous relationship and this tailors his approach in evaluating the possibility of us being companions in a committed relationship. He and I call it the ‘courtship process’(yes, this is old school). But, experience is the best teacher-friends before lovers.

Have a great day bloggers:-)

By i'm swiss

February 27, 2007 9:41 AM | Link to this

@SlimOne

Uh… yeah, well to be honest, I not only saw signs — I participated from time to time. I was young and stupid (and h@rny). Now I know better — and I’ve got one of Randyt’s t-shirts for my trouble… ;)

By GA.man

February 27, 2007 9:42 AM | Link to this

dr kym lmao i have someone else say the same thing about that song…

and yes randyt i think somewhere down the line we all might say that, but we have to be ready and healed

Hey Justme sexione Kinder Mo Raqi Abc Musing * seanj* Mocha

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 9:46 AM | Link to this

Randyt It deadens the pain, but you really aren’t healing because you haven’t pulled out the loss and properly grieved Sometimes it takes dating someone new to find out if you’ve actually healed or are ready to get back out there, right? I mean, if you aren’t dating and are only doing the ‘self-healing’ thing, what’s your testing measure? You may think you’re ready but later realize you aren’t based on how you deal with the next relationship or dating scenario I would think.

Also, everyone says heal first and deal with the pain of the past blah blah blah…but really What the h3ll does that mean? What are suggestions for not just numbing the pain but actually healing the wound?

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 9:47 AM | Link to this

What up yoll…

Married life was great when it was good and terrible when it was bad; and upon meeting the right female, I’d do it again.

Other than that, the only thing that divorce has done for me is greatly shorten the list of BS issues that I’m willing to accept from a female.

2Can I’ve asked this before but… what in the hayo does a size 0-4 look like?!

By Married Man

February 27, 2007 9:49 AM | Link to this

Can’t really relate to being divorced. Happily married for quite some time now, but look forward to being on the “creep” from time to time.

Think it might be cool to get together with a divorce` and maybe give her something to be hopeful about again.

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 9:52 AM | Link to this

Maslow AKA ABC Your profoundness never ceases to amaze me.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 9:53 AM | Link to this

i’m swiss So if you were to meet a female now that showed the slightest interest in woman, do you plan on high-tailing it out of there or are you still open to it now as long as its not serious?

I wonder how your t-shirt reads lol

By Tater

February 27, 2007 9:54 AM | Link to this

SlimOne Also, everyone says heal first and deal with the pain of the past blah blah blah…but really What the h3ll does that mean? What are suggestions for not just numbing the pain but actually healing the wound?
Speaking only for me, the best thing that I’ve done is keep very busy with work and activities. This helps me clear my mind of the divorce. Time really does heal those wounds but I completely understand that this is not true for everyone.

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 9:55 AM | Link to this

Married w/ Idiot Thoughts Happily married for quite some time now, but look forward to being on the “creep” from time to time.

Now see, that’s a good way for you to end up calling my crib at 2AM talking about, “Don’t call my wife no mo’, N#*@% !”

By Mo

February 27, 2007 9:55 AM | Link to this

I am going to be really adamant about moving on b/c I have a young child and I dont want his world flipped anymore than it already will be. But also I know that I need to work on somethings w/self before I can move forward.

Hey GAMan, Mocha, SJ, SlimOne, Musing, abc, Sexione, Kinder, JustMe and the crew!!

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 9:56 AM | Link to this

Married Man look forward to being on the “creep” from time to time All I will say is you might want to be prepared to duck soon…real soon. The blogvest are currently locked up. Muah ha ha (evil laugh)

By i'm swiss

February 27, 2007 9:58 AM | Link to this

@SlimOne

I can’t lie. I wouldn’t exactly high-tail it out of there — at least not without having a little fun first. But marriage would definitely be out of the question.

By Confused

February 27, 2007 9:58 AM | Link to this

Mo I feel you on bring the innocent child into our mess!!!! I hate that but would not trade it but Sunday I had such a mommie moment when she went with her dad…The expression on her face was like why do I have to leave, I just got comfortable at mommies now here is daddy ready to pick me up…she is 18 months and I wanted to cry…I told her dad when she starts schools his days off should be Friday and Sat so she can have the most stable and normal life at one place during school and with him on the weekends…I am thinking about taking her to a child Psychologist…We have been sharing here since she was 4 months and I feel being mobile is aftecting her but don’t want to yank her from her dad bc he is invovled…I wish she could talk and juts tell me what is wrong but with time I know but for the moment he has three days I have her four…Feel free to give advice older parents!

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:00 AM | Link to this

Tater I can dig the keeping busy thing but technically isn’t that just ignoring the issue at hand? During my past off and on relationship my ex use to think time apart or taking a break would help our cause. It didn’t address the issue because when we would ever get back together, after the honeymoon phase, it was the same ole shyt to deal with. So I am using this same logic I guess.

Healing = keeping busy + time alone + ?????

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 10:00 AM | Link to this

SlimOne In my experience to truly heal and I mean truly heal is to take a complete look at yourself and all your faults. It is to stop the blame game and know that in the relationship..you may have not always been the best person to be around at times, in other words admit your faults not to the person but to yourself. Taking that mirror and looking at self is not a easy job. For example military man…he was horrible about communicating but I techincally didn’t communicate well with him. Alot of stuff went unsaid and left to guessing and then it hit the wall. From soaring high to crashing and burning.

By SeanJohnson

February 27, 2007 10:02 AM | Link to this

@ Slim…some females prefer to date married men only…so dont be surprised of the “married man” come up on the blog..

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 10:03 AM | Link to this

Morning Bloggers, I’m peeping in…..Interested to see what one has to say about this Marriage & Divorce thing.

I’m still……….. SUPER Xcited about my BIGG Day!!!

By GA.man

February 27, 2007 10:04 AM | Link to this

Slimone i agree with you the blog vest are locked and musing has the keys today so i can’t help that married man bob and weave man bob and weave Hide now they are coming

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 10:04 AM | Link to this

BK….a size 0 to 4 is petite….tiny, even!

SlimOne….you ask some valid questions, lil mama….if I may add my 2 cents, here goes; first of all, you gotta let that shyt burn for a minute!!! There’s gonna be some sleepless nights, and days when you don’t wanna do jack, ‘cept lie around and commiserate…..but once you get past that, then you can add some ointments to the wound….but, you have to baby it, at first…then, you pick ya self up, shake that shyt off, and get back in the game….

prolly wanna know how do you baby it? You have girlfriends don’t you? Folks in ya corner? The thing is to keep your mind occupied and busy…don’t allow yourself time to sit still and think about it; but don’t be selfish and think you’re ready to get hitched and the ink ain’t dry on ya divorce a vinculo!!!!

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 10:05 AM | Link to this

Morn’in All,

I’m not divorced so I don’t have much to lend on the topic.

SeanJ I didn’t see the special, but I do have a strong opinion about what she has done…I’m curious to know how others feel before I release the dogs to Oprah.

By i'm swiss

February 27, 2007 10:06 AM | Link to this

By the way, SlimOne — my t-shirt reads “My ex gave a licking and I keep on ticking” ;)

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 10:10 AM | Link to this

Confused You and daddio are already doing the most important thing - getting along and acting civilized. Maintain that unified front. That crying upon seperating won’t stop for years to come. But kids are more resillient than we grown-ups would like to imagine.

Kym I need a sidebar.

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 10:10 AM | Link to this

No 2Can I am not fretting. A lot of things I bring up just for the sake of discussion because I am addicting to blogging. LOL Having only had three relationships that really mattered I talk about them, unless someone says something to remind me of a one time dater that I went out with.

But you have to understand this, although I love my husband a lot, Whitebread was the live wire for many “first” in my life, emotionally, sexually and mentally. I was only 25 when I met and the only relationship I had before him was my first husband whom I married when I was 19 and he was killed after only 4 short years of marriage. We were not together long enough to really experience the essence of life. We were both young and inexperienced. When I got with Whitebread who is 13 years older than me it was a whole new kind of experience. And then I have to look in his face every single day…his son looks the spitting image of him. My husband now is the only man that has been able to touch my heart since that experience. It was a long time coming but he finally got in.

But back to topic at hand….

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 10:10 AM | Link to this

SlimOne:

You raise a valid question about healing the actual wound and not just the hurt itself. I’m going to follow Tater’s lead and give you my response to your question.

1. Realize the wound is not fatal and that you will recover from it.

2. Offer volitional forgiveness. Doing so will help free you from the bondage of the hurt. Don’t wait for the offender to come to you and ask for it, because he/she may not.

3. Take calculated risks. You shouldn’t go blindly into a relationship, nor should you hold the other person accountable for the offenses of someone else. It’s not fair to them.

4. Always remember that love is a verb. Offer to serve the other person without any expectation of getting something in return. More times than not, your efforts will be reciprocated.

5. Learn to say “I’m sorry.” A book that has helped me greatly in this area is The Five Languages of Apology: Experiencing Healing in All Your Relationships by Dr. Gary Chapman. I highly recommend it.

:-)

By QC

February 27, 2007 10:12 AM | Link to this

SJ I saw that special and was in tears, i just wanted to reach out to all those girls to give them a hug. All they want is a good education it comes back on saturday night….

hey BK ;)

By Confused

February 27, 2007 10:12 AM | Link to this

@Married Man get a life and continue to take car of your “GREAT” home!!!

By Tater

February 27, 2007 10:14 AM | Link to this

SlimOne Healing = keeping busy + time alone + ????? For me, keeping my mind so busy with activities does not really equate to time alone because these activities allow me to interact with other people. I’m really not ever alone so to speak. I am able to work two jobs which I absolutely love in two fields of which I excel. Do I feel alone? Sometimes. Time has helped me get over some of the pain. It’s still there, but each day brings hope and optimism that I will be a survivor of a painful divorce. I hope this makes sense.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:14 AM | Link to this

Dr.Kym I’ve looked in that mirror all too many times and it can be a really weird moment when you see what’s looking back at you. I even recall the day when the person that was looking at me was not someone I recognized…SCARY…

SJ As sad as that is, you are absolutely right. I don’t really understand it but it is what it is.

2CPTG when you said let it burn, it reminded me of the movie The Wedding Crashers when ole boy was in the bathroom with the nyphomaniac and she threw alcohol on his wound! LMAO, it’s funny now but boy does that shyt hurt like h3ll. Yeah I have girlfriends & family but i’ve always dealt with things on my own. I’m at an okay spot right now. At this point in my healing process the wound just itches every now and then. LOL

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:16 AM | Link to this

i’m swiss My ex gave a licking and I keep on ticking boy you’re a fool! lol I knew it’d be something to that effect. :-D

By Wise Diva

February 27, 2007 10:17 AM | Link to this

Good morning blog friends!

ok, i’m swiss, I almost gave my monitor a Dasani water shower, ha ha ha! Wow, good you can have a sense of humor, right - and see? Divorced people are HILARIOUS!

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 10:18 AM | Link to this

Blue Sidebar request granted.

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 10:23 AM | Link to this

gotcha, Raqi…..and totally understand…love has only been uttered from these lips to 3 gals….and one is an ex!

By Confused

February 27, 2007 10:24 AM | Link to this

Thanks Blue…Oh I hope I answered your question yesterday…Anyway I need more advice parents ahhow do others share their children equally?

By Wise Diva

February 27, 2007 10:24 AM | Link to this

Darrell, welcome to our blog! You and Randyt (hey Randyt!) just broke it down SO well, thanks for those insightful comments!

You know, I could very well end up with a divorced guy - many of them have patience and confidence about dating and relationships that can be very appealing. I don’t think I would be compared to the first wife, at least I hope I wouldn’t.

By SeanJohnson

February 27, 2007 10:24 AM | Link to this

@ Musing…i watched it with a female friend who cried upon watching the show…we both agreed she is doing a noble thing….the problem i had..what we debated about was this..its an all girl school…why not make it co-ed…the boys need help too..i just though it so odd…with Oprah supposedly being a DL Lesbian.. what if a Gay dude built a all boy school…and how would that be viewed..

By Married Man

February 27, 2007 10:27 AM | Link to this

All.

I was only kidding in my first post, well sorta. I realize that was a troll move. So now allow me to be real…

About 5 five years or so ago I almost found out how it might feel to be divorced due to infidelity (on my part). It was not at all due to an unhappy marriage, rather life’s circumstances of managing the marriage long distance over an extended perios of time due to my career and my inability to put on the level of maturity to endure such a thing.

The marriage was saved, and I am thankful because I know she is my soulmate and have always believed so. What I did learn though and I think many do not realize is that once you do marry, commitment calls yet things of the world still tug at you. They never cease to do so. We like to pretend they do, but they don’t. So with that you must constantly be mindful of your responsibilities to your realtionship and commitment, even through all the temptations, challanges and distractions of life. Marriage is WORK, big time. I don’t know where I would be without my wife. She has brought me balance, inspiration, and realization that there is absolutely nothing out here worth losing her over.

I don’t think I could do the single/divorce thing, just seems like too tough of a thing out here these days.

And for the record, I am NOT looking to “creep”. I realize some believe in the “once.. always” thing, but that is not at all fact.

By Wise One

February 27, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this

Not so smart people do not learn from their mistakes, smart people do learn from their mistakes, and really smart people learn from other people’s mistakes.

Divorce taught me that being in a bad marriage is worse than being alone. At least when you are alone, you can experience some peace in your life. There are some very disturbed people out there (both men and women) and many of them have had the chance to mask their problems and issues in the short run so they may attract another person.

It does come out in the long run though. Being divorced means spending some time alone that you wish could be spent with someone special. It also means having freedom from an unhealthy choice for a partner, and an opportunity to eventually meet a healthy person that can add to your life’s quality.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this

Slimone

The answer to your question is when you are comfortable being alone. When you are totally complete in yurself and not looking for someone to complete you (translate…fix). Another way to know you are healed is when you no longer have those “nerve endings” that new SO’s can hit. What I am referring to is a sudden, somewhat irrational reflex reaction to someone doing something that reminds you of a past hurt…and the emotion sort of floods over you. If you date newly divorced people, you will sooner or later ‘trip’ over something that to you that the ‘response’ has no logic, and the person blows totally out of proportion something that is actually quite insignificant. This is one of those nerve endings.

Bottom line is that it is somewhat by trial and error…and is a gradual process, not a magical moment.

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this

scared to say what I think about Oprah’s school……..very noble, indeed………while Morris Brown bout to close!

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this

2Can I agree with your statement to Slim. You have to let the hurt takes its course and you need your people there to hold you up AND to tell you when it’s time to let it go. My mom was that person for me. Just like she held my hand and allowed me to cry on her shoulders, she also told me to get up and get back out there…life must go on.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:31 AM | Link to this

Darrell I really am glad you gave those points to think about. In reading them, the second really is what I need to do next on my list. Don’t wait for the offender to come to you and ask for it, because he/she may not Even though I’ve been single now for about 6/7 months, in the back of my mind I’ve been waiting for him to get that light bulb moment to tell me how sincerely sorry he is. Now i know I can’t wait for that because that day may never come. I can only account for my responsibility in the situation. WU SAH! Dang, I feel I healed just a little bit more.

Tater surprisingly, i haven’t had too much time to sit and mope around. I think that’s where my higher power came in knowing my needs when I didn’t even realize it was being done. I believe things happen for a reason and just too many things lined up after my breakup. I moved from the southside all the way to the eastside.(previously lived only 8miles from my ex-too dayum close) Instead of living alone I now have a roommate and I also live close to another cousin of mine. So it’s like we’re the 3 amigo’s and between us 3, there is always something on the agenda. I not only work full time but I also am going back to school and am doing surprisingly well. The Lord sure works in mysterious ways giving me things of substance to keep my fulfilled Yes I have those moments of feeling lonely but they don’t last for too long.

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 10:31 AM | Link to this

Wow!! Interesting comments.

@Darrell, BIGG Ups 2 U on that 8:39 post. I like…..

@MO, 9:09 post Now that’s wassup!! U on pointe.

@I’m swiss….WHOA!!! talkin bout opposite sex..U dont say.

I’m cosigning Randy 9:33 post on that being

” when you are totally comfortable in your own skin…then dating can be really good…and you can go into a new relationship and make it work.

By Bre'

February 27, 2007 10:33 AM | Link to this

Long time no blog ladies, gentlemen.

WD I love Chicago it is by far my favorite city in the States. I try to get there at least twice a year if for nothing else to get my “step on”.

On Topic….T-Mango you took the words from my keyboard in describing a young man I am hanging out with now that is divorced. He pays attention to the smallest of things regarding me however he does hold the line emotionally. And that’s cool I had to come to terms that the divorce papers ink is just about a year old. Only difference is I’m not sure I want to get married, I would love to have a child and approaching that conversation maybe later in the year. As of right now I’m content with relations and friendship. I would say to a woman whom has never been married that is having dealings with a divorced man is to be 100% sure of what you want first. If not, you will end up putting his situation before yours. (i for sure have that t-shirt)

SJ I’m not a Ra-Ra(Oprah)fan at all nor did I watch the Special but I did read the press on it and gathered bits and pits from her website. However I am very curious to what you think about it over all before I tell of my opinion.

Hey BK I hope all is well.

By Confused

February 27, 2007 10:33 AM | Link to this

@Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts) you are preaching brotha…you said a mouth full!!! Time to self reflect againg..I have a tough scabbed but not healed…Going on 2 years strong but need to heal totally!!! Wow!! Great insight!

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 10:33 AM | Link to this

Wise Diva You’re very welcome and I’m honored by your compliment. :-)

By Wise Diva

February 27, 2007 10:34 AM | Link to this

Raqi, have you considered writing a book about your experiences? I bet it would be interesting to read, and many women could identify with what you have been through.

By j

February 27, 2007 10:36 AM | Link to this

Divorced male. Had a wife that always had something to say. What I have learned is it is more important to know when to speak, how to say something, and when to remain silent.

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 10:38 AM | Link to this

I didn’t see the Oprah special about the school, but I did hear some comments about it on the radio yesterday. Apparently, there are some who feel that she should have spent that money helping to educate the kids here at home before spending it elsewhere. I can agree with that to a point, but I can also see her vision that those kids are soooooo much more disadvantaged. So, Blue, what’s your take on it?

Slim On the subject of healing….it varies for everyone, and I think it has a lot to do with the reason(s) for the breakup, as well as the time spent together, and the level of closeness shared during the relationship. My .02 cents.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:38 AM | Link to this

Randyt I’m about to nominate you as CEO of Been there done that because you hit the nail on the head in talking about those nerve endings. somewhat irrational reflex reaction to someone doing something that reminds you of a past hurt…and the emotion sort of floods over you boy have I experienced that and didn’t have a clue as to why I acted that way. It freaked me out big time and I started feeling doubtful of my future with anyone else. I don’t want to have a fear of those ‘nerve endings’ for the rest of my life. When is your book coming out? hehehehe

*2CPTG Oprah’s school……..very noble, indeed………while Morris Brown bout to close Point taken!

By SlimDiva

February 27, 2007 10:38 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone! It’s been a while since I last posted.

Navyman and I have been divorced for about 6 months now. I don’t have any regrets, we’re still friends (hey we have children and now, grandchildren). We realize our mistakes, but hey, I’m moving on. I’m NOT bashing the institution of marriage because I enjoyed being married and I knew what I was getting into when I married a man who’s married to the military.

Although, I’m not pleased that our marriage ended, I’m happy being single. I don’t have to worry about who he’s going to answer the phone when I call him when he’s deployed. I dealt with the situation as long as I could, but when things turned and innoncent people got involved, it was time to walk away regardless of how much I love him. I don’t have any problems dating, men have always approached me, even when I was married, but I remained faithful to my husband. I REFUSE to squander my days feeling sorry for myself or spoil my days by being angry. I’m living my life like it’s golden! LIFE GOES ON AND I’VE ALWAYS BEEN A SURVIVOR!!

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 10:39 AM | Link to this

*QC What up slim?!

Kym You have mail.

Married Good way to rebound bruh. LOL

2Can Well I’m afraid to say what I think about ALL of the HBC’s. I don’t think that I have enough chain mail to withstand the barrage of the blows that would surely come my way.

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 10:40 AM | Link to this

Ooops, I meant Musing, what’s your take on it?

i’m swiss that t-shirt is hilarious!!!

By Confused

February 27, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this

@Married Man, I hear you talking brotha!! Congrats on making it through..We did not give it a chane and left gracefully any no creeping…It hurts people and self and it is not a good feeling living for the moment..Now single life I must say made me respect THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE!!! I won’t visit agsin until I am older and wiser!

@WiseOne Great Post!!!

By Ronnie

February 27, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this

I set the highest standards for everything in my life, and that includes my clothes, my cars and certainly my wives. If not the best, then what? So when I hear that a lady has become divorced, I know that she has already been rejected by another man whose standards are, by definition, less stringent than mine. So I don’t go there.

Also, no fatties.

By Tater

February 27, 2007 10:44 AM | Link to this

SlimOne The Lord sure works in mysterious ways giving me things of substance to keep my fulfilled You are correct. One of the things that has helped me stay on track is my relationship with God. I ignored him for too long. Now I talk to him every day and thank Him for all the joy that He has given me. I just don’t feel sorry for myself anymore. I’ve often said this but I will repeat it. If He was to take me away today, would I be happy with what I have accomplished? The only thing that I wish that I could do more of is see the kids. Other than that, I am ready to go when He wants me.

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 10:44 AM | Link to this

Chocolate Peach: Thanks for the props earlier. I appreciate it.

I’m on Dr. Kym (relationship expert), but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. :-)

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 10:45 AM | Link to this

SeanJ & 2…While I think what Oprah has done is remarkable, and a great start for that country…There are thousands of young boys in that region who need the same push. Men are to be the backbone of a community and a nation. It seems odd that she would build a school neglecting the needs of the Men who will either govern the region or become tyrants. Once out of school, who are these girls going to marry, the same boys that have little to no positive future? It seems like a covert way to do away with black Men to me. And on top of that, there are schools, colleges, and black youths that need just as much help right here in the States. Why Africa and not Mississippi or a purchase a struggling HBCU?

By rotten childhood

February 27, 2007 10:47 AM | Link to this

My parents divorced after twenty-nine years of marriage. It was a terrible marriage, and I think they stayed together until all the children were grown. They had a nasty separation and divorce. Neither could speak the other’s name in a civil manner. Twelve years later, my father died and mother went to the wake and funeral, acting like a grieving widow. She went as far as attempting to upstage the second wife in the family section at the funeral. She immediately began to call herself a widow, rather than a divorcee. She said widows were treated with more respect that divorcees. Also, once she began dating after the divorce, she would immediately quit dating anyone who seemed to be getting serious. Personally, I’ve been married almost 40 years. Things are not always perfect, but I don’t plan to divorce. We know too much on each other. LOL

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 10:47 AM | Link to this

Typo alert: My 10:44 post should have said “I’m NO Dr. Kym…”

My bad. :-)

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 10:47 AM | Link to this

Hi WD

It is beautiful outside…is it lunch time yet?

I don’t think I would be compared to the first wife, at least I hope I wouldn’t.

Comparisons might happen…but the comparison is not what you think…usually in a good way. If you are dating someone who has been divorced for a long time, and quite comfortable in his own skin, comparisons will be more like “how great YOU are vs. the ex”…with specific examples He will tell you how very much more special YOU are because he has had time to know what he wants and does not want.

If there are negative comparisons, chances are the guy is relatively newly divorced and is needy, i.e. “well this is how MY ex did it, and you should too”. If you get this, then run like hellz because he still has the baggage and is still needy as ‘haile’.

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 10:47 AM | Link to this

I wish others that had resources (none like Oprah’s, though) would follow her lead, and do something philanthropic, on that lavel…..

BK…about them HBCU’s….as long as they have money for their classics, it’s all good…….boi, stop!

By GA.man

February 27, 2007 10:49 AM | Link to this

nice save married…just in time before the females opened up the blog gunz on you

By Eric

February 27, 2007 10:50 AM | Link to this

Most divorced women I know say things like…

“Oh Eric, I’m so glad I cheated on my husband with you and then left and divorced him… he could NEVER do the things to me that YOU did.”

By Wise Diva

February 27, 2007 10:52 AM | Link to this

Slimdiva, wow! I am sorry to hear things didn’t work out! You sound as if you are doing fine, despite that ordeal, survivor indeed!!

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 10:54 AM | Link to this

Musing, I really didn’t even want to get on Oprah….I agree, she’s doing something truly remarkable…..BUT……as you said, what about the men of the region…..

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:55 AM | Link to this

Gaman I think he started thinking about all the ducking and dogding possibly catching up with him…lol nice save nonetheless.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:58 AM | Link to this

Musing & 2CPTG I often joke with my friends that eventually men will be if not endangered but extinct. I’m know I wouldn’t want to live in a women-only society, could you even imagine how that would be? lol

By Married Man

February 27, 2007 10:58 AM | Link to this

I know this is off topic, but I see a few have posted regarding it. I watched that special last night and must say I don’t really understand why black folks in the U.S. have such a problem with it. I saw something in those little girls that I just don’t see in girls here (for the most part). Many of them have endured pain and adversity to a level that our young people can only pretend to. Through it all they continue to strive to become something great against all odds.

I have a teenage daughter who is an A/ high B student. By all assessments she is a “nerd”. Very smart and articulate. But as “articulate” as she is, I have never heard her articulate a thought they way that those girls did. I teased my wife for crying, but I myself welled up at times. These young ladies see so much opportunity in going to SCHOOL, while so many of our young girls are practicing their “dutty wine” or “booty pop”. I totally have no problem with Oprah bestowing such a thing on such a deprived yet driven group of girls.

Jokingly I told my daughter, “D@mn, I feel like I wanna trade you in”. But seriously and lovingly I told her “You should strive to be as focused and sharp as they are”.

I believe wholeheartedly that this is only the beginning for Oprah, and this thing will show up in a black community near you eventually. We just have to get out of the resentful mindset and let Oprah do her work, she knows what she’s doing. Not only that but our (little black) kids need a change in attitude. And when she feels that ground is fertile she will plant the seed. It’s her perogative. My two cents.

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 11:01 AM | Link to this

@j, U R sooooo right, 10:36 post

@Ronnie, Who’s to say the woman was cause of the divorce?

@Slim One..LOL…I’m forever doing the Wu Saaaa….It keeps me from swearing & it keeps my BP at average. Ha, that was funny!!

“He may not come when U want him but he’s ALWAYS on time”

I am a witness to that……..

By abc

February 27, 2007 11:03 AM | Link to this

Yall talk about Oprah like she’s Ms. Ghandi or something… I mean, she’s a talk show host, right? Kudos for good works, whatever they are, but yall watch way too much TV. Just sayin.

By SeanJohnson

February 27, 2007 11:03 AM | Link to this

@ Musing…dude i was saying the same thing last nite…especially when she she said “these girls are going to rule the world”…i was like..who are they going to marry? so what does the little girls tell their brother if they have one…no boys allowed? she probably want them to marry each other…I don’t care where she spends her money to help the poor thats her money her choice….would make a lot of since to make another school right next door for boys…

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 11:07 AM | Link to this

Sexione Ok here’s my take on it…

By Married Man

February 27, 2007 11:09 AM | Link to this

Blue_Kolla

I’m sure I’m still going to take some shots, given what I have revealed. Just wanted to offer an honest perspective though.

By Chocolate Peach