By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 8:09 AM | Link to this

Morning JustMe,Sexione,kinderbabe,GA.man,Mocha,Mo,Demi,Musing,For Real,NC, and crew

I’ve never been married so can’t speak too much on the topic However, when I do meet someone that is divorced I automatically assume that they will be less apt to want to do it again. I am the same way when I meet guys with kids already. I guess I’ve always envisioned me being with someone that we both could experience those things together for the first time (marriage and kids). I was just telling a friend of mine that as I get older, the chances of that get smaller and smaller. I have noticed many divorcees do seem a little more guarded and bitter….but isn’t that what hurt people do?, build up a wall. I’m guilty of that as well.

By Confused

February 27, 2007 8:22 AM | Link to this

Great topic and guilty as charged so guilty that I gave the wrong info yesterday trying to call myself mix and mingle…At any rate the email is bubbles0879@gmail.com…With all the new dating sites and using differnet user names I got mixed up which anserws your question…Post my divorce and learning this dating thang I do get toung tied but it is not in a corny way or turn off way…I learning…I was wondering how how was going to come back with a cute clean up today after that slip up but Diva you are on point with the topic…So once again feel free to email me anyone…Just trying to meet new people outside my circle…

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 8:25 AM | Link to this

Good Morning.

Never been divorced just a widow.

I told about my friend Lacy a few weeks back that dated a divorced guy and soon found out she was a surrogate wife to him. In a moment of passion he spoke his ex-wife’s name. I guess that would be as you put it a “model” of the former.

By Confused

February 27, 2007 8:25 AM | Link to this

MorningAll, to everyone and that explains my name Confused…Just a little confused bc I am doing this so backwards…What I am doing now as far as dating, mix and mingling should have been after college and getting married later…But anyway I am learning and enjoying the ride…

By lee

February 27, 2007 8:28 AM | Link to this

My divorce is only three months old and though I’m not intrerested in dating anytime soon I know that there is still joy in life and that there are good men out in the world. I like to think I will be able to leave behind the hurt from the divorce and know that I cannot compare any men that I meet to my ex-husband. There is no fairness in that to that person or to me. I have not decided when I’m going to venture out into the dating world or really what I’ll be looking for in a man, I’m going to step back and learn about myself again.

By gagyrl

February 27, 2007 8:31 AM | Link to this

I am soon to be divorced and can’t wait. My ex cheated and lied to me SOOOOO much during the marriage and is still lying to me about stuff, go figure………Yes, I think after you are hurt by someone that claimed to love you, you are very guarded and non-trusting of anyone. Maybe this is a crazy thing to say; I am invloved with a sweet youg man right now-however, he can go or he can stay, it makes me no difference. Never again will I put my feelings all out on the table. It’s a waste of time.

By MochaTreat

February 27, 2007 8:36 AM | Link to this

Good morning Slim,Sexione, Foots, Justme, Kinder, QC, Randy, Demi, Musinf SeanJ, GAman and crew

How does divorce change your outlook on dating, relationships, and marriage? It made me a lot less tolerant of foolishness. Have you ever dated a divorcee? No, but I am not against dating a divorcee…none have come my way.

Divorced single or never married single- is there really that much difference between the two? I don’t think there is much of a difference…some divorced people have vowed never to marry again…however some single people don’t ever want to marry. For me dating has been hard…but well worth it!

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 8:39 AM | Link to this

May will mark nine years since my divorce and if divorce has affected my outlook on dating, relationships and marriage in any way, it would be that I’ve become much more deliberate in my approach to all three of those areas.

Unlike many, divorce hasn’t “soured” me at all towards the idea of marriage. In fact, I’d love to be married again someday. However, as I consider my own personal biases toward the type of woman I’d be attracted to as a mate, her physical attributes have become less important to me since my divorce and I’m now more concerned with other characteristics, such as trustworthiness, spiritual compatability and loyalty.

Although I fight the occassional bout with loneliness, I’m very much at peace in my singleness and am content to wait until the right woman comes along. Because if there’s one thing divorce has taught me, it’s that I don’t want to go through it again.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 8:41 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Wise Diva, Good Morning All

I think the first thing that needs to be stated is that what you are going to get are OPINIONS tempered by each person’s personal experiences. Not Right Necessarily, Not Wrong Necessarily…just opinions.

Do divorced men want the exact opposite type of who they married before?

Yes, No, Maybe. People who go through a bitter divorce tend to think they want someone exactly opposite, and usually their ‘transition person’ is. But what they fail to recognize is that they are almost always bringing a tractor trailer full of baggage, hurt, and anger. So the first relationship is almost always doomed to failure, especially if they are dumb enough to get married while they are still needy.

Eventually in many instances, divorcees do tend to gravitate back toward the familiar demon…someone like their ex. I watched an interview with Chuck Eubanks from a TV show that used to be on for years called the “Newlywed Game”. Eubanks said that after a number of years, they actually started inviting back, new “newlyweds” who were actually some of their originals with new spouses. He said that almost invariably, their new spouse was just like their old one. “The devil you know….

How does divorce change your outlook on dating, relationships, and marriage?

If one gets past the ‘needy’ stage without getting hitched again, one gets more cautious, more cynical, more analytical about who they are seeking. But as someone said here, (very wisely I might add), everyone is someone else’s castoff. There are almost always reasons why we are no longer marrried…we all have flaws. Divorces have all of the major stupidities of “still singles” without at least that romantic hopefulness that singles have. We eventually get it back, or at least some of us, but the wonderful blankness, innocence, and naivete gets boxed and put away…if not from the marriage/divorce, at least from the experiences from that first year or two in the singles “warzone”.

Have you ever dated a divorcee? Do you think there are pros and cons of dating someone divorced? If so, what are they?

Yes, and yes. The good is shared experiences, the child rearing experiences, and a more total awareness of the needs of the other that comes just from having to know and share. The bad is the cynicism, and distrust.

Are divorced singles more adept at navigating the dating scene than us never married single people?

I would say yes and no. The over 40 singles crowd have a boatload of baggage, as well as experience so it is always a double edged sword. I am not sure which is worse.

Divorced single or never married single- is there really that much difference between the two?

Absolutely. No similarity what so ever, IMHO. Totally different species. All of us are a montage of our life experiences. Marrriage, parenthood, divorce, etc. are life and people changing experiences. We eventually do become different people.

Thought I would throw in my opinions. As hard as it is to believe, this is the abridged version, LOL.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 8:42 AM | Link to this

gagyrl how long were you married and how old are you?

By SeanJohnson

February 27, 2007 8:43 AM | Link to this

Morning Blog…Although i have never been married…Half of my friends i grew up with married young…and I kinda feel like i went through the divorce when my brother went through his. And its emotionally draining..from both parties stepping out..to living with a person that u dont even speak too and sleeping in seperate beds to having to eplain to kids if they are involve that the family is splitting up as they know it. I would date someone that has been through a divorce but me myself getting married isnt something i can relate to at this time. The few females i have dated that have been divorced seem to have a more realistic few on how dating should be..which is dating..nothing more or less…only negative draw back i have ran across is …they have trust issues..

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 8:44 AM | Link to this

Darrell

Good post and very similar to my experiences. Thanks

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 8:53 AM | Link to this

G’ morning…..

Been married before…and no, it hasn’t changed my outlook on dating, or getting married again….I just learned a lot in the discourse of things….ala Shai, “If I ever fall in love again,” the girl won’t be just like her…only similarities I’ll be looking for is maybe the size 0-4……but that’s negotiable.

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 8:53 AM | Link to this

Is being hurt through divorce more painful than being hurt after being in a deception relationship? Being that I never experienced divorce but have experienced heartbreak after having lived with someone that I truly loved, I wander is it all that different. The only thing that made it not be a marriage was not having the legal document. But other than that I was in it with I had. And believe, after it crashed and burned I was tore up on the inside. I lost all trust in all men and relationships for that matter for a short span of my life. I am just wondering if it is that much of a difference. I don’t know.

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 8:59 AM | Link to this

Randy Thanks for the thanks.

Sean You raise a good point and one that I’ve run into myself since my divorce, and that is the issue of trust (or lack thereof) among many (not all) women who are also divorced.

I’ve often had to “pay for the sins of my predecessors” because the woman just wasn’t able to look beyond her past experience with her ex-husband and realize that “not all men are dogs” and that there really are some good, honest, hard-working men out there. (Note to the ladies: I didn’t say ‘perfect’, just ‘good’). :-)

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 9:04 AM | Link to this

Goodmorning Everybody!!

Not much to add here, I’ve never been married. Have met a few divorcees and as I recall, all vowed they would NEVER marry again…..never actually dated one though.

I do have a good friend at work who is going thru divorce right now and she is really scared that she’ll be left to raise the kids (2) all alone. Although, that is probably the main reason she decided to leave…..she was doing all the parenting while daddy didn’t help with discipline, schooling, or parenting in general.

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 9:04 AM | Link to this

nah, Raqi….hurt is hurt is hurt….divorce is just the culmination of a lot of hurt….whether it’s marriage or an extended courtship……

dang gal, WhiteBread musta put that thy-ow on you….you still frettin over him?

By JustMe

February 27, 2007 9:04 AM | Link to this

Good MOrning SlimOne, SexyLeggs, Demi, Musing, Randy, Jake, GA Man, Mocha, NC Atl, Raqi, Newbies, Lurkers and imposters

How does divorce change your outlook on dating, relationships, and marriage?

I only plan to Marry 1 Time, so in terms of divorce, I think that if it’s even in the back of my mind, I am not ready to jump the broom

Have you ever dated a divorcee? Yes

Do you think there are pros and cons of dating someone divorced? Yes

If so, what are they? **I think that once a person has been divorced, they should have a better understanding of what it takes to make a relationship last, they should understand the ideology of comprimise as well as commitment.

Are divorced singles more adept at navigating the dating scene than us never married single people? I can’t speak to this, I think no matter your current or previous marital status, there are pitfalls and challenges to dating

Divorced single or never married single- is there really that much difference between the two? Yes, I think there is a major difference. It’s kind of like being a virgin or not being virgin

Off to my (:)) Meeting……… I’ll be back :-)

By Tater

February 27, 2007 9:06 AM | Link to this

Darryl Although I fight the occassional bout with loneliness, I’m very much at peace in my singleness and am content to wait until the right woman comes along. Because if there’s one thing divorce has taught me, it’s that I don’t want to go through it again. You are absolutely correct. I don’t ever want anyone to go through the private hell of a divorce. It’s even harder when children are involved. I’m starting to finally discover myself after 19 years of marriage. I am able, as a single person, to do the things that interest me.
I don’t believe that I will ever “marry” again. That piece of paper seems to really makes a difference. IMHO, people can become frustrated in a marriage and the only way out is through the courts. This to me is very sad. People go through life expecting the best in a mate and sometimes it just doesn’t work out. I would like to find that special someone but it will be a long term relationship with marriage way in the future. This is my dream, not sure if it will come true or not…

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 9:07 AM | Link to this

Raqi That’s how it was in my situation. I was not married but living together basically dayum near married with the exception of that legal document. During the break-up I really felt as if I was going through a divorce and I still have small trust issues when it comes to men. However, I am a work in progress trying to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. To me, there is no feeling like the devastation felt when someone you love whole-heartedly and have trusted 150% does something to compromise the trust. It’s like someone takes your world from underneath you. I guess it’s natural to never want to open yourself up to someone like that for fear of being hurt again. There were times when I would’ve rather opted to take physical pain over that terrible emotional pain had i been given that option. But we live, learn, put another T-SHIRT in our collection, and move on.

By Mo

February 27, 2007 9:09 AM | Link to this

Morning All!! As someone who will soon be divorced, I am not jaded about moving on. I know that I did wrong and was wronged in my marriage. I can accept that and I can accept that life does go on. I regret having brought a child into a messy relationship but I wouldnt trade him for anything in the world. I am just concentrating on getting *Mo” back in order, doing things differently. I dont play the blame game, it is what it is. I hate to be going thru this but I would hate to be miserably married the rest of my life too. You live and you learn. My outlook on marriage and dating has not changed. I am fortunate enough to have both sets of granparents still alive and together for over 60yrs AND parents still married for over 30yrs. Its something, or someone, out there for everyone!

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 9:10 AM | Link to this

Goodmorning Everybody!!

Not much to add here, I’ve never been married. Have met a few divorcees and as I recall, all vowed they would NEVER marry again…..never actually dated one though.

I do have a good friend at work who is going thru divorce right now and she is really scared that she’ll be left to raise the kids (2) all alone. Although, that is probably the main reason she decided to leave…..she was doing all the parenting while daddy didn’t help with discipline, schooling, or parenting in general.

By QC

February 27, 2007 9:10 AM | Link to this

Morning Bloggers

Sexie1 mail call

Have a great day all…..

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 9:10 AM | Link to this

Good Morning All,

Never been divorced come close to the altar twice and a few bad break ups in between. It can leave you with a sour taste and a bitter feeling but at some point you re-evaluate, take note of yourself and move forward. I have dated a few divorced guys..and their opinions of re-marrying run from the I’m so lonely I could die!!! To the ever popular.. Are you serious never ever ever ever again!!!

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 9:10 AM | Link to this

Raqi

Good post and good question.

I don’t see this as a question of “differences” in divorce and relationships that don’t work out. As I see it, hurt is hurt, with the only difference being the circumstances that cause it.

My only issue - and I’m glad you’ve been able to work though this - is when a woman makes me pay for hurt caused to her which I had absolutely nothing to do with. That’s what I meant in my earlier post about being made to “pay for the sins of my predecessors.”

I’m not saying you (or any other woman in a similar situation) should not have their “guard up” to a certain extent. But to make a man work harder to “prove” himself worthy of your trust based solely on the fact that he happens to be a man (which is the only thing I’d have in common with the person who hurt you), is unfair on that basis.

That’s all I’m saying.

By GA.man

February 27, 2007 9:10 AM | Link to this

Good Morning all

I have been there and i am looking forward to getting married again one day…sometimes things in life just don’t work out…i dealt with the pain and Didnt bring anyone in until i was ready i think that is the biggest problem…some people bring someone in to date them without being over the ex or the painful divorce

You know the story the easy way to get over one love is to get another..

By i'm swiss

February 27, 2007 9:23 AM | Link to this

Do divorced men want the exact opposite type of who they married before?

In my case, my ex was a lesbian. So, that would be a big YES. ;)

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 9:24 AM | Link to this

You know the story the easy way to get over one love is to get another.. GA.Man that line reminded me of the lyrics from this Keb’Mo’ Song The Itch.

You get the fever, you get the itch, you forget about the mess you were in, you forget about the money, the lawyers and the pain..and do the same damn thang all over again.

By Museq

February 27, 2007 9:25 AM | Link to this

I’ve never been divorced but hell, regular break ups are difficult enough! I can only imagine the mental stress and strain that goes along with getting a divorce. That’s why I think I’ve been quite patient up to this point. Although marriage is something I definitely would like to experience…I’m not willing to either settle OR rush!!

By abc

February 27, 2007 9:26 AM | Link to this

Familial relationships as described in Collossians 3 and elsewhere in the Bible are ideal. Resistance to that is a worldly ill. I’ve been divorced twice, and if I (and they) had subscribed to those descriptions, I’d not be divorced now.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 9:30 AM | Link to this

i’m swiss did you not notice any signs of her possibly being a lesbian prior to the marriage?

By Michael Matthews

February 27, 2007 9:32 AM | Link to this

As as divorced man twice over, dating can be very hard. You want to believe in getting a fresh start and not taking baggage from the old life into the new one but it happens. If you’re coming out of a marriage where there was constant controversy and strife, you want to move away from that and endulge in something simple and less stressful. I often found myself wanting to date only women who would say yes to my advances and who didn’t need to be in a deep relationship. I wrote about those experiences in my book, Life and Love, it’s all about poetry. www.montgomeryproductions.com

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 9:33 AM | Link to this

GAMan

some people bring someone in to date them without being over the ex or the painful divorce

So true. I have that t-shirt. So many of us think that we are the ‘exception’ that we are “READY” and over it. One of the best lines I hae read in this blog, and I am sorry for being unable to remember who to credit it to, was “just because a wound has scabbed over, does not mean it is healed”.

What happens is that a new relationship is just anaesthaesia. It deadens the pain, but you really aren’t healing because you haven’t pulled out the loss and properly grieved it. It is like an NFL player taking a painkiller, to keep playing. He still has the compound fracture and it is geting worse, but he doesn’t feel the pain and let it heal. One can delay the grieving, but it will not be denied. Sooner or later you have to deal with it.

When you are no longer needy, when you are healthy alone as well as with someone, and when you are totally comfortable in your own skin…then dating can be really good…and you can go into a new relationship and make it work.

By SeanJohnson

February 27, 2007 9:34 AM | Link to this

@ WD…you going to see Oprah made me think about a debate i had last nite

Off Topic…did anyone see the Oprah special about the all girl school she built in South Africa??

By dumb enuf to remarry

February 27, 2007 9:35 AM | Link to this

I remarried 3 yrs after my divorce and couldn’t be happier. Of course I am bending over backwards to make the divorce work simultaneously.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 9:37 AM | Link to this

SJ I watched the special. They are going to re-air it on Saturday at 8.

By T-Mango

February 27, 2007 9:39 AM | Link to this

Good morning all.

I have never been up the aisle. However, I am currently dating someone who is divorced. We are both in our 30’s. I would like to be married and have children. He wants to remarry at some point and have children. I have found that he is more attentive to me and my needs than men that have not been married. He listens and is more patient with me overall…I think that is a combination of his personality and lessons learned from his past marriage.

On the flip side, I think that he is also cautious based on his previous relationship and this tailors his approach in evaluating the possibility of us being companions in a committed relationship. He and I call it the ‘courtship process’(yes, this is old school). But, experience is the best teacher-friends before lovers.

Have a great day bloggers:-)

By i'm swiss

February 27, 2007 9:41 AM | Link to this

@SlimOne

Uh… yeah, well to be honest, I not only saw signs — I participated from time to time. I was young and stupid (and h@rny). Now I know better — and I’ve got one of Randyt’s t-shirts for my trouble… ;)

By GA.man

February 27, 2007 9:42 AM | Link to this

dr kym lmao i have someone else say the same thing about that song…

and yes randyt i think somewhere down the line we all might say that, but we have to be ready and healed

Hey Justme sexione Kinder Mo Raqi Abc Musing * seanj* Mocha

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 9:46 AM | Link to this

Randyt It deadens the pain, but you really aren’t healing because you haven’t pulled out the loss and properly grieved Sometimes it takes dating someone new to find out if you’ve actually healed or are ready to get back out there, right? I mean, if you aren’t dating and are only doing the ‘self-healing’ thing, what’s your testing measure? You may think you’re ready but later realize you aren’t based on how you deal with the next relationship or dating scenario I would think.

Also, everyone says heal first and deal with the pain of the past blah blah blah…but really What the h3ll does that mean? What are suggestions for not just numbing the pain but actually healing the wound?

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 9:47 AM | Link to this

What up yoll…

Married life was great when it was good and terrible when it was bad; and upon meeting the right female, I’d do it again.

Other than that, the only thing that divorce has done for me is greatly shorten the list of BS issues that I’m willing to accept from a female.

2Can I’ve asked this before but… what in the hayo does a size 0-4 look like?!

By Married Man

February 27, 2007 9:49 AM | Link to this

Can’t really relate to being divorced. Happily married for quite some time now, but look forward to being on the “creep” from time to time.

Think it might be cool to get together with a divorce` and maybe give her something to be hopeful about again.

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 9:52 AM | Link to this

Maslow AKA ABC Your profoundness never ceases to amaze me.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 9:53 AM | Link to this

i’m swiss So if you were to meet a female now that showed the slightest interest in woman, do you plan on high-tailing it out of there or are you still open to it now as long as its not serious?

I wonder how your t-shirt reads lol

By Tater

February 27, 2007 9:54 AM | Link to this

SlimOne Also, everyone says heal first and deal with the pain of the past blah blah blah…but really What the h3ll does that mean? What are suggestions for not just numbing the pain but actually healing the wound?
Speaking only for me, the best thing that I’ve done is keep very busy with work and activities. This helps me clear my mind of the divorce. Time really does heal those wounds but I completely understand that this is not true for everyone.

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 9:55 AM | Link to this

Married w/ Idiot Thoughts Happily married for quite some time now, but look forward to being on the “creep” from time to time.

Now see, that’s a good way for you to end up calling my crib at 2AM talking about, “Don’t call my wife no mo’, N#*@% !”

By Mo

February 27, 2007 9:55 AM | Link to this

I am going to be really adamant about moving on b/c I have a young child and I dont want his world flipped anymore than it already will be. But also I know that I need to work on somethings w/self before I can move forward.

Hey GAMan, Mocha, SJ, SlimOne, Musing, abc, Sexione, Kinder, JustMe and the crew!!

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 9:56 AM | Link to this

Married Man look forward to being on the “creep” from time to time All I will say is you might want to be prepared to duck soon…real soon. The blogvest are currently locked up. Muah ha ha (evil laugh)

By i'm swiss

February 27, 2007 9:58 AM | Link to this

@SlimOne

I can’t lie. I wouldn’t exactly high-tail it out of there — at least not without having a little fun first. But marriage would definitely be out of the question.

By Confused

February 27, 2007 9:58 AM | Link to this

Mo I feel you on bring the innocent child into our mess!!!! I hate that but would not trade it but Sunday I had such a mommie moment when she went with her dad…The expression on her face was like why do I have to leave, I just got comfortable at mommies now here is daddy ready to pick me up…she is 18 months and I wanted to cry…I told her dad when she starts schools his days off should be Friday and Sat so she can have the most stable and normal life at one place during school and with him on the weekends…I am thinking about taking her to a child Psychologist…We have been sharing here since she was 4 months and I feel being mobile is aftecting her but don’t want to yank her from her dad bc he is invovled…I wish she could talk and juts tell me what is wrong but with time I know but for the moment he has three days I have her four…Feel free to give advice older parents!

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:00 AM | Link to this

Tater I can dig the keeping busy thing but technically isn’t that just ignoring the issue at hand? During my past off and on relationship my ex use to think time apart or taking a break would help our cause. It didn’t address the issue because when we would ever get back together, after the honeymoon phase, it was the same ole shyt to deal with. So I am using this same logic I guess.

Healing = keeping busy + time alone + ?????

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 10:00 AM | Link to this

SlimOne In my experience to truly heal and I mean truly heal is to take a complete look at yourself and all your faults. It is to stop the blame game and know that in the relationship..you may have not always been the best person to be around at times, in other words admit your faults not to the person but to yourself. Taking that mirror and looking at self is not a easy job. For example military man…he was horrible about communicating but I techincally didn’t communicate well with him. Alot of stuff went unsaid and left to guessing and then it hit the wall. From soaring high to crashing and burning.

By SeanJohnson

February 27, 2007 10:02 AM | Link to this

@ Slim…some females prefer to date married men only…so dont be surprised of the “married man” come up on the blog..

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 10:03 AM | Link to this

Morning Bloggers, I’m peeping in…..Interested to see what one has to say about this Marriage & Divorce thing.

I’m still……….. SUPER Xcited about my BIGG Day!!!

By GA.man

February 27, 2007 10:04 AM | Link to this

Slimone i agree with you the blog vest are locked and musing has the keys today so i can’t help that married man bob and weave man bob and weave Hide now they are coming

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 10:04 AM | Link to this

BK….a size 0 to 4 is petite….tiny, even!

SlimOne….you ask some valid questions, lil mama….if I may add my 2 cents, here goes; first of all, you gotta let that shyt burn for a minute!!! There’s gonna be some sleepless nights, and days when you don’t wanna do jack, ‘cept lie around and commiserate…..but once you get past that, then you can add some ointments to the wound….but, you have to baby it, at first…then, you pick ya self up, shake that shyt off, and get back in the game….

prolly wanna know how do you baby it? You have girlfriends don’t you? Folks in ya corner? The thing is to keep your mind occupied and busy…don’t allow yourself time to sit still and think about it; but don’t be selfish and think you’re ready to get hitched and the ink ain’t dry on ya divorce a vinculo!!!!

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 10:05 AM | Link to this

Morn’in All,

I’m not divorced so I don’t have much to lend on the topic.

SeanJ I didn’t see the special, but I do have a strong opinion about what she has done…I’m curious to know how others feel before I release the dogs to Oprah.

By i'm swiss

February 27, 2007 10:06 AM | Link to this

By the way, SlimOne — my t-shirt reads “My ex gave a licking and I keep on ticking” ;)

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 10:10 AM | Link to this

Confused You and daddio are already doing the most important thing - getting along and acting civilized. Maintain that unified front. That crying upon seperating won’t stop for years to come. But kids are more resillient than we grown-ups would like to imagine.

Kym I need a sidebar.

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 10:10 AM | Link to this

No 2Can I am not fretting. A lot of things I bring up just for the sake of discussion because I am addicting to blogging. LOL Having only had three relationships that really mattered I talk about them, unless someone says something to remind me of a one time dater that I went out with.

But you have to understand this, although I love my husband a lot, Whitebread was the live wire for many “first” in my life, emotionally, sexually and mentally. I was only 25 when I met and the only relationship I had before him was my first husband whom I married when I was 19 and he was killed after only 4 short years of marriage. We were not together long enough to really experience the essence of life. We were both young and inexperienced. When I got with Whitebread who is 13 years older than me it was a whole new kind of experience. And then I have to look in his face every single day…his son looks the spitting image of him. My husband now is the only man that has been able to touch my heart since that experience. It was a long time coming but he finally got in.

But back to topic at hand….

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 10:10 AM | Link to this

SlimOne:

You raise a valid question about healing the actual wound and not just the hurt itself. I’m going to follow Tater’s lead and give you my response to your question.

1. Realize the wound is not fatal and that you will recover from it.

2. Offer volitional forgiveness. Doing so will help free you from the bondage of the hurt. Don’t wait for the offender to come to you and ask for it, because he/she may not.

3. Take calculated risks. You shouldn’t go blindly into a relationship, nor should you hold the other person accountable for the offenses of someone else. It’s not fair to them.

4. Always remember that love is a verb. Offer to serve the other person without any expectation of getting something in return. More times than not, your efforts will be reciprocated.

5. Learn to say “I’m sorry.” A book that has helped me greatly in this area is The Five Languages of Apology: Experiencing Healing in All Your Relationships by Dr. Gary Chapman. I highly recommend it.

:-)

By QC

February 27, 2007 10:12 AM | Link to this

SJ I saw that special and was in tears, i just wanted to reach out to all those girls to give them a hug. All they want is a good education it comes back on saturday night….

hey BK ;)

By Confused

February 27, 2007 10:12 AM | Link to this

@Married Man get a life and continue to take car of your “GREAT” home!!!

By Tater

February 27, 2007 10:14 AM | Link to this

SlimOne Healing = keeping busy + time alone + ????? For me, keeping my mind so busy with activities does not really equate to time alone because these activities allow me to interact with other people. I’m really not ever alone so to speak. I am able to work two jobs which I absolutely love in two fields of which I excel. Do I feel alone? Sometimes. Time has helped me get over some of the pain. It’s still there, but each day brings hope and optimism that I will be a survivor of a painful divorce. I hope this makes sense.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:14 AM | Link to this

Dr.Kym I’ve looked in that mirror all too many times and it can be a really weird moment when you see what’s looking back at you. I even recall the day when the person that was looking at me was not someone I recognized…SCARY…

SJ As sad as that is, you are absolutely right. I don’t really understand it but it is what it is.

2CPTG when you said let it burn, it reminded me of the movie The Wedding Crashers when ole boy was in the bathroom with the nyphomaniac and she threw alcohol on his wound! LMAO, it’s funny now but boy does that shyt hurt like h3ll. Yeah I have girlfriends & family but i’ve always dealt with things on my own. I’m at an okay spot right now. At this point in my healing process the wound just itches every now and then. LOL

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:16 AM | Link to this

i’m swiss My ex gave a licking and I keep on ticking boy you’re a fool! lol I knew it’d be something to that effect. :-D

By Wise Diva

February 27, 2007 10:17 AM | Link to this

Good morning blog friends!

ok, i’m swiss, I almost gave my monitor a Dasani water shower, ha ha ha! Wow, good you can have a sense of humor, right - and see? Divorced people are HILARIOUS!

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 10:18 AM | Link to this

Blue Sidebar request granted.

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 10:23 AM | Link to this

gotcha, Raqi…..and totally understand…love has only been uttered from these lips to 3 gals….and one is an ex!

By Confused

February 27, 2007 10:24 AM | Link to this

Thanks Blue…Oh I hope I answered your question yesterday…Anyway I need more advice parents ahhow do others share their children equally?

By Wise Diva

February 27, 2007 10:24 AM | Link to this

Darrell, welcome to our blog! You and Randyt (hey Randyt!) just broke it down SO well, thanks for those insightful comments!

You know, I could very well end up with a divorced guy - many of them have patience and confidence about dating and relationships that can be very appealing. I don’t think I would be compared to the first wife, at least I hope I wouldn’t.

By SeanJohnson

February 27, 2007 10:24 AM | Link to this

@ Musing…i watched it with a female friend who cried upon watching the show…we both agreed she is doing a noble thing….the problem i had..what we debated about was this..its an all girl school…why not make it co-ed…the boys need help too..i just though it so odd…with Oprah supposedly being a DL Lesbian.. what if a Gay dude built a all boy school…and how would that be viewed..

By Married Man

February 27, 2007 10:27 AM | Link to this

All.

I was only kidding in my first post, well sorta. I realize that was a troll move. So now allow me to be real…

About 5 five years or so ago I almost found out how it might feel to be divorced due to infidelity (on my part). It was not at all due to an unhappy marriage, rather life’s circumstances of managing the marriage long distance over an extended perios of time due to my career and my inability to put on the level of maturity to endure such a thing.

The marriage was saved, and I am thankful because I know she is my soulmate and have always believed so. What I did learn though and I think many do not realize is that once you do marry, commitment calls yet things of the world still tug at you. They never cease to do so. We like to pretend they do, but they don’t. So with that you must constantly be mindful of your responsibilities to your realtionship and commitment, even through all the temptations, challanges and distractions of life. Marriage is WORK, big time. I don’t know where I would be without my wife. She has brought me balance, inspiration, and realization that there is absolutely nothing out here worth losing her over.

I don’t think I could do the single/divorce thing, just seems like too tough of a thing out here these days.

And for the record, I am NOT looking to “creep”. I realize some believe in the “once.. always” thing, but that is not at all fact.

By Wise One

February 27, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this

Not so smart people do not learn from their mistakes, smart people do learn from their mistakes, and really smart people learn from other people’s mistakes.

Divorce taught me that being in a bad marriage is worse than being alone. At least when you are alone, you can experience some peace in your life. There are some very disturbed people out there (both men and women) and many of them have had the chance to mask their problems and issues in the short run so they may attract another person.

It does come out in the long run though. Being divorced means spending some time alone that you wish could be spent with someone special. It also means having freedom from an unhealthy choice for a partner, and an opportunity to eventually meet a healthy person that can add to your life’s quality.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this

Slimone

The answer to your question is when you are comfortable being alone. When you are totally complete in yurself and not looking for someone to complete you (translate…fix). Another way to know you are healed is when you no longer have those “nerve endings” that new SO’s can hit. What I am referring to is a sudden, somewhat irrational reflex reaction to someone doing something that reminds you of a past hurt…and the emotion sort of floods over you. If you date newly divorced people, you will sooner or later ‘trip’ over something that to you that the ‘response’ has no logic, and the person blows totally out of proportion something that is actually quite insignificant. This is one of those nerve endings.

Bottom line is that it is somewhat by trial and error…and is a gradual process, not a magical moment.

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this

scared to say what I think about Oprah’s school……..very noble, indeed………while Morris Brown bout to close!

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this

2Can I agree with your statement to Slim. You have to let the hurt takes its course and you need your people there to hold you up AND to tell you when it’s time to let it go. My mom was that person for me. Just like she held my hand and allowed me to cry on her shoulders, she also told me to get up and get back out there…life must go on.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:31 AM | Link to this

Darrell I really am glad you gave those points to think about. In reading them, the second really is what I need to do next on my list. Don’t wait for the offender to come to you and ask for it, because he/she may not Even though I’ve been single now for about 6/7 months, in the back of my mind I’ve been waiting for him to get that light bulb moment to tell me how sincerely sorry he is. Now i know I can’t wait for that because that day may never come. I can only account for my responsibility in the situation. WU SAH! Dang, I feel I healed just a little bit more.

Tater surprisingly, i haven’t had too much time to sit and mope around. I think that’s where my higher power came in knowing my needs when I didn’t even realize it was being done. I believe things happen for a reason and just too many things lined up after my breakup. I moved from the southside all the way to the eastside.(previously lived only 8miles from my ex-too dayum close) Instead of living alone I now have a roommate and I also live close to another cousin of mine. So it’s like we’re the 3 amigo’s and between us 3, there is always something on the agenda. I not only work full time but I also am going back to school and am doing surprisingly well. The Lord sure works in mysterious ways giving me things of substance to keep my fulfilled Yes I have those moments of feeling lonely but they don’t last for too long.

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 10:31 AM | Link to this

Wow!! Interesting comments.

@Darrell, BIGG Ups 2 U on that 8:39 post. I like…..

@MO, 9:09 post Now that’s wassup!! U on pointe.

@I’m swiss….WHOA!!! talkin bout opposite sex..U dont say.

I’m cosigning Randy 9:33 post on that being

” when you are totally comfortable in your own skin…then dating can be really good…and you can go into a new relationship and make it work.

By Bre'

February 27, 2007 10:33 AM | Link to this

Long time no blog ladies, gentlemen.

WD I love Chicago it is by far my favorite city in the States. I try to get there at least twice a year if for nothing else to get my “step on”.

On Topic….T-Mango you took the words from my keyboard in describing a young man I am hanging out with now that is divorced. He pays attention to the smallest of things regarding me however he does hold the line emotionally. And that’s cool I had to come to terms that the divorce papers ink is just about a year old. Only difference is I’m not sure I want to get married, I would love to have a child and approaching that conversation maybe later in the year. As of right now I’m content with relations and friendship. I would say to a woman whom has never been married that is having dealings with a divorced man is to be 100% sure of what you want first. If not, you will end up putting his situation before yours. (i for sure have that t-shirt)

SJ I’m not a Ra-Ra(Oprah)fan at all nor did I watch the Special but I did read the press on it and gathered bits and pits from her website. However I am very curious to what you think about it over all before I tell of my opinion.

Hey BK I hope all is well.

By Confused

February 27, 2007 10:33 AM | Link to this

@Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts) you are preaching brotha…you said a mouth full!!! Time to self reflect againg..I have a tough scabbed but not healed…Going on 2 years strong but need to heal totally!!! Wow!! Great insight!

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 10:33 AM | Link to this

Wise Diva You’re very welcome and I’m honored by your compliment. :-)

By Wise Diva

February 27, 2007 10:34 AM | Link to this

Raqi, have you considered writing a book about your experiences? I bet it would be interesting to read, and many women could identify with what you have been through.

By j

February 27, 2007 10:36 AM | Link to this

Divorced male. Had a wife that always had something to say. What I have learned is it is more important to know when to speak, how to say something, and when to remain silent.

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 10:38 AM | Link to this

I didn’t see the Oprah special about the school, but I did hear some comments about it on the radio yesterday. Apparently, there are some who feel that she should have spent that money helping to educate the kids here at home before spending it elsewhere. I can agree with that to a point, but I can also see her vision that those kids are soooooo much more disadvantaged. So, Blue, what’s your take on it?

Slim On the subject of healing….it varies for everyone, and I think it has a lot to do with the reason(s) for the breakup, as well as the time spent together, and the level of closeness shared during the relationship. My .02 cents.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:38 AM | Link to this

Randyt I’m about to nominate you as CEO of Been there done that because you hit the nail on the head in talking about those nerve endings. somewhat irrational reflex reaction to someone doing something that reminds you of a past hurt…and the emotion sort of floods over you boy have I experienced that and didn’t have a clue as to why I acted that way. It freaked me out big time and I started feeling doubtful of my future with anyone else. I don’t want to have a fear of those ‘nerve endings’ for the rest of my life. When is your book coming out? hehehehe

*2CPTG Oprah’s school……..very noble, indeed………while Morris Brown bout to close Point taken!

By SlimDiva

February 27, 2007 10:38 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone! It’s been a while since I last posted.

Navyman and I have been divorced for about 6 months now. I don’t have any regrets, we’re still friends (hey we have children and now, grandchildren). We realize our mistakes, but hey, I’m moving on. I’m NOT bashing the institution of marriage because I enjoyed being married and I knew what I was getting into when I married a man who’s married to the military.

Although, I’m not pleased that our marriage ended, I’m happy being single. I don’t have to worry about who he’s going to answer the phone when I call him when he’s deployed. I dealt with the situation as long as I could, but when things turned and innoncent people got involved, it was time to walk away regardless of how much I love him. I don’t have any problems dating, men have always approached me, even when I was married, but I remained faithful to my husband. I REFUSE to squander my days feeling sorry for myself or spoil my days by being angry. I’m living my life like it’s golden! LIFE GOES ON AND I’VE ALWAYS BEEN A SURVIVOR!!

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 10:39 AM | Link to this

*QC What up slim?!

Kym You have mail.

Married Good way to rebound bruh. LOL

2Can Well I’m afraid to say what I think about ALL of the HBC’s. I don’t think that I have enough chain mail to withstand the barrage of the blows that would surely come my way.

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 10:40 AM | Link to this

Ooops, I meant Musing, what’s your take on it?

i’m swiss that t-shirt is hilarious!!!

By Confused

February 27, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this

@Married Man, I hear you talking brotha!! Congrats on making it through..We did not give it a chane and left gracefully any no creeping…It hurts people and self and it is not a good feeling living for the moment..Now single life I must say made me respect THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE!!! I won’t visit agsin until I am older and wiser!

@WiseOne Great Post!!!

By Ronnie

February 27, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this

I set the highest standards for everything in my life, and that includes my clothes, my cars and certainly my wives. If not the best, then what? So when I hear that a lady has become divorced, I know that she has already been rejected by another man whose standards are, by definition, less stringent than mine. So I don’t go there.

Also, no fatties.

By Tater

February 27, 2007 10:44 AM | Link to this

SlimOne The Lord sure works in mysterious ways giving me things of substance to keep my fulfilled You are correct. One of the things that has helped me stay on track is my relationship with God. I ignored him for too long. Now I talk to him every day and thank Him for all the joy that He has given me. I just don’t feel sorry for myself anymore. I’ve often said this but I will repeat it. If He was to take me away today, would I be happy with what I have accomplished? The only thing that I wish that I could do more of is see the kids. Other than that, I am ready to go when He wants me.

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 10:44 AM | Link to this

Chocolate Peach: Thanks for the props earlier. I appreciate it.

I’m on Dr. Kym (relationship expert), but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. :-)

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 10:45 AM | Link to this

SeanJ & 2…While I think what Oprah has done is remarkable, and a great start for that country…There are thousands of young boys in that region who need the same push. Men are to be the backbone of a community and a nation. It seems odd that she would build a school neglecting the needs of the Men who will either govern the region or become tyrants. Once out of school, who are these girls going to marry, the same boys that have little to no positive future? It seems like a covert way to do away with black Men to me. And on top of that, there are schools, colleges, and black youths that need just as much help right here in the States. Why Africa and not Mississippi or a purchase a struggling HBCU?

By rotten childhood

February 27, 2007 10:47 AM | Link to this

My parents divorced after twenty-nine years of marriage. It was a terrible marriage, and I think they stayed together until all the children were grown. They had a nasty separation and divorce. Neither could speak the other’s name in a civil manner. Twelve years later, my father died and mother went to the wake and funeral, acting like a grieving widow. She went as far as attempting to upstage the second wife in the family section at the funeral. She immediately began to call herself a widow, rather than a divorcee. She said widows were treated with more respect that divorcees. Also, once she began dating after the divorce, she would immediately quit dating anyone who seemed to be getting serious. Personally, I’ve been married almost 40 years. Things are not always perfect, but I don’t plan to divorce. We know too much on each other. LOL

By Darrell

February 27, 2007 10:47 AM | Link to this

Typo alert: My 10:44 post should have said “I’m NO Dr. Kym…”

My bad. :-)

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 10:47 AM | Link to this

Hi WD

It is beautiful outside…is it lunch time yet?

I don’t think I would be compared to the first wife, at least I hope I wouldn’t.

Comparisons might happen…but the comparison is not what you think…usually in a good way. If you are dating someone who has been divorced for a long time, and quite comfortable in his own skin, comparisons will be more like “how great YOU are vs. the ex”…with specific examples He will tell you how very much more special YOU are because he has had time to know what he wants and does not want.

If there are negative comparisons, chances are the guy is relatively newly divorced and is needy, i.e. “well this is how MY ex did it, and you should too”. If you get this, then run like hellz because he still has the baggage and is still needy as ‘haile’.

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 10:47 AM | Link to this

I wish others that had resources (none like Oprah’s, though) would follow her lead, and do something philanthropic, on that lavel…..

BK…about them HBCU’s….as long as they have money for their classics, it’s all good…….boi, stop!

By GA.man

February 27, 2007 10:49 AM | Link to this

nice save married…just in time before the females opened up the blog gunz on you

By Eric

February 27, 2007 10:50 AM | Link to this

Most divorced women I know say things like…

“Oh Eric, I’m so glad I cheated on my husband with you and then left and divorced him… he could NEVER do the things to me that YOU did.”

By Wise Diva

February 27, 2007 10:52 AM | Link to this

Slimdiva, wow! I am sorry to hear things didn’t work out! You sound as if you are doing fine, despite that ordeal, survivor indeed!!

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 10:54 AM | Link to this

Musing, I really didn’t even want to get on Oprah….I agree, she’s doing something truly remarkable…..BUT……as you said, what about the men of the region…..

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:55 AM | Link to this

Gaman I think he started thinking about all the ducking and dogding possibly catching up with him…lol nice save nonetheless.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 10:58 AM | Link to this

Musing & 2CPTG I often joke with my friends that eventually men will be if not endangered but extinct. I’m know I wouldn’t want to live in a women-only society, could you even imagine how that would be? lol

By Married Man

February 27, 2007 10:58 AM | Link to this

I know this is off topic, but I see a few have posted regarding it. I watched that special last night and must say I don’t really understand why black folks in the U.S. have such a problem with it. I saw something in those little girls that I just don’t see in girls here (for the most part). Many of them have endured pain and adversity to a level that our young people can only pretend to. Through it all they continue to strive to become something great against all odds.

I have a teenage daughter who is an A/ high B student. By all assessments she is a “nerd”. Very smart and articulate. But as “articulate” as she is, I have never heard her articulate a thought they way that those girls did. I teased my wife for crying, but I myself welled up at times. These young ladies see so much opportunity in going to SCHOOL, while so many of our young girls are practicing their “dutty wine” or “booty pop”. I totally have no problem with Oprah bestowing such a thing on such a deprived yet driven group of girls.

Jokingly I told my daughter, “D@mn, I feel like I wanna trade you in”. But seriously and lovingly I told her “You should strive to be as focused and sharp as they are”.

I believe wholeheartedly that this is only the beginning for Oprah, and this thing will show up in a black community near you eventually. We just have to get out of the resentful mindset and let Oprah do her work, she knows what she’s doing. Not only that but our (little black) kids need a change in attitude. And when she feels that ground is fertile she will plant the seed. It’s her perogative. My two cents.

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 11:01 AM | Link to this

@j, U R sooooo right, 10:36 post

@Ronnie, Who’s to say the woman was cause of the divorce?

@Slim One..LOL…I’m forever doing the Wu Saaaa….It keeps me from swearing & it keeps my BP at average. Ha, that was funny!!

“He may not come when U want him but he’s ALWAYS on time”

I am a witness to that……..

By abc

February 27, 2007 11:03 AM | Link to this

Yall talk about Oprah like she’s Ms. Ghandi or something… I mean, she’s a talk show host, right? Kudos for good works, whatever they are, but yall watch way too much TV. Just sayin.

By SeanJohnson

February 27, 2007 11:03 AM | Link to this

@ Musing…dude i was saying the same thing last nite…especially when she she said “these girls are going to rule the world”…i was like..who are they going to marry? so what does the little girls tell their brother if they have one…no boys allowed? she probably want them to marry each other…I don’t care where she spends her money to help the poor thats her money her choice….would make a lot of since to make another school right next door for boys…

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 11:07 AM | Link to this

Sexione Ok here’s my take on it…

By Married Man

February 27, 2007 11:09 AM | Link to this

Blue_Kolla

I’m sure I’m still going to take some shots, given what I have revealed. Just wanted to offer an honest perspective though.

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 11:12 AM | Link to this

DEFINITELY!! co signing Musing 10:45 post. Wow!!

I have always believed that MEN have to be & NEEDS to be the backbone for every woman & family.

NEVER!! been a fan of Oprah but I will be sure to catch this special & Big Ups to her for all she’s done & planning on doing. Hopefully that ALL Boy’s school or co Ed is next on agenda.

By SeanJohnson

February 27, 2007 11:13 AM | Link to this

@ BK…damn bruh…we see eye to eye…too bad folks wont see it until the family unit as we know it…is rare…

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 11:14 AM | Link to this

hell, why ain’t Oprah married? not once, but nann time????

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 11:16 AM | Link to this

@abc, Again, I’m NO!!! fan of Oprah however I do know she’s wayyyyyyyy much more than just a talk show host. U may need to google that chic.

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 11:19 AM | Link to this

kinfolk……the family unit as we know it now, is rare!!!!! heck, as per the topic yesterday and the subtle hints that are given, society even knows this….look at the latest KFC commercial when the cat calls home and asks his mom can he have dinner with that one family…..and she’s shocked that families still even eat together….subliminal messages abound!

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 11:22 AM | Link to this

Married Man I can truly say I am glad there is this program for those girls. My concern is why not make it a co-ed school? Was there a stipulation given by the government there telling her not to admit boys? What? It doesn’t seem very beneficial to have the Women in the country 20yrs into the future from the Men. They won’t relate to each other and the Women will possibly leave the country and the Men in their lives behind. Are black Men so indispensable that they should be overlooked? It’s a classic technique, to cause separation between ourselves. I’m not at all down playing the importance of this program. But I want to examine the other side of the coin that isn’t getting any light from anyone.

By Vic

February 27, 2007 11:22 AM | Link to this

I used to date a divorcee who was abused by her husband. I tried to let her know through my actions that there are still good men out there. Things didn’t last because she was too busy partying and I was busy furthering my education and spending time with my son. She had two daughters, but I guess she felt tied down when she was married, and felt she had to make up for it while we were together. I have since gotten married and from what I’ve seen, she still can’t keep a man and is still partying like it’s 1999.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 11:24 AM | Link to this

As I stated earlier I watched the Oprah special and see absolutely nothing wrong with what she did by starting a all girl’s school in South Africa. Her Angel network is also working to start schools like this all over the country. In the special she talked about how she could identify with the young girls living situation having lived with her grandmother in rural MS. A couple of key points about Africa and women…these are not I repeat not to male bash at all.

I look at her deed for what it is providing young girls with a opportunity they would most likely not have in a society that really and truly doesnt always deem their women worthy of equal treatment and education.

By Museq

February 27, 2007 11:24 AM | Link to this

SeanJohnson My guess is it’s probably an all-girls school because of how much girls are regularly exploited in the region. In any case, IMO good work is still good work.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 11:25 AM | Link to this

2CPTG I just saw that commercial last night and you’re right. When I was still living at home we ate together almost every night. My friends at times felt kind of awkward whenever they would come over and eat at my house but they all really enjoyed it. I find that because I was brought up that way that my cousins and I still tend to do that from time to time (eat together).

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 11:25 AM | Link to this

SeanJ Mayne 9 times out of 10 we’re sitting on the same side of the table, and we’ve both had that strong-Man head-of-household upbringing. So I’m not suprised that we think alike on a lot of subjects.

2Can Because as much as she’d hate to admit it, Oprah wants nothing to do with a man, other than as a prop in her real-life stage play, ‘cuz we know Steadman wasn’t nothing but a fakeout to throw peeps off until she got her name in lights. At that time, the talk from females was, “I’m not p****** you for over three years without a ring forthcoming.” Remember that?!

By abc

February 27, 2007 11:26 AM | Link to this

According to Wikipedia:

She is also an influential book critic, an Academy Award-nominated actress, and a magazine publisher. She has been ranked the richest African American of the 20th century, the most philanthropic African American of all time, and the world’s only Black billionaire for three straight years. She is also, according to several assessments, the most influential woman in the world.

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 11:27 AM | Link to this

Blue I hear ya!! I’m hoping that she will see this same need for the boys and do likewise for them.

By (Blurry Eyed) Foots

February 27, 2007 11:30 AM | Link to this

Oh, goodness. I wish I would have visited this topic a little earlier. I have a LOT to add to this one, but I’ll never catch up now!!! :-(

By 2CPTG

February 27, 2007 11:31 AM | Link to this

you’re right, “good work, is good work;”……and like I stated earlier, now it’s time for others with the resources, to follow her lead…someone like a Bob Johnson, the only other brother with 9 figures…

By gagyrl

February 27, 2007 11:32 AM | Link to this

Hi Slim One I was married for almost 4 years in August and I am 33, why?

By abc

February 27, 2007 11:33 AM | Link to this

Sorry, but Oprah is the most influential woman in the world?

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 11:38 AM | Link to this

gagyrl Um, I actually lost my train of thought as to why I asked. I was curious about the length of time you all gave the marriage.

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 11:38 AM | Link to this

Musing It doesn’t seem very beneficial to have the Women in the country 20yrs into the future from the Men. They won’t relate to each other and the Women will possibly leave the country and the Men in their lives behind. Are black Men so indispensable that they should be overlooked?

Step on over to the Survival Portal and have a look-see into the future. New breed of empowered Condy Rice-type chicks. Who do you think they’re going to mate with?

How about a new class/race of people are being created right in front of our faces on the daily.

Disclaimer & Fact: Species survival is the #1 inborn trait of any animal being. The rich and affluent of the world are being bred out naturally, so what better way to ensure the continuation of a bloodline than to replace the male reproducers.

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 11:46 AM | Link to this

Museq I agree that *”good work is good work”…But sometimes good work just isn’t good enough. It “could” be better.

Superman has the strenth to carry two people at once…Say there’s a volcano eruption…Superman grabs the girl with both arms, flies her 1000 miles to safty. Before he can return, the boy dies….Well, Superman could have saved them both at once in each arm and only flew 500 miles away…That would have been excellent work.

By gagyrl

February 27, 2007 11:47 AM | Link to this

Oh, I gave the marriage my all up until the end. I wanted it to work out so bad. But he could not give up his cheating ways. So I am moving on.

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 11:48 AM | Link to this

so what better way to ensure the continuation of a bloodline than to replace the male reproducers

Okay, maybe I’m trying to do too many things at once, but please explain. Who will women mate with if the conspiracy is to get rid of the men?

And let me add, you all are making some valid points here!! Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmm…..

abc Don’t be surprised that some people feel that way….it’s all about money and power…usually go hand in hand.

By QueDogTeaching

February 27, 2007 11:51 AM | Link to this

Quick blog question for the ladies. While speed Blogging, I have noticed a couple of women say the phrase, “get my self together” And I have heard other women say “Concentrate on myself” What does that mean from a womens point of view?

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 11:54 AM | Link to this

If all men became extinct, I’m sure the price of Jezz will go up. (sperm banks)

Any Blog women without kids

Have any of you ever contemplated donating your eggs? I’ve thought about it twice since I don’t have any kids nor am any where near getting married. Just wanted your feelings on it.

By Pharress_Beuller

February 27, 2007 11:56 AM | Link to this

What up BLOG Fam,

Not much to add on this topic that hadn’t already been said. On the Oprah issue. The question was brought up as to why this was only for girls and she stated that she sees herself in those girls and didn’t relate to little boys and didn’t know how to! I was pretty shocked at her answer. (This was on the Oprah after show on the OH channel). I mean I agree, it’s her paper & she can do what she wants to with it, but I would have thought she would have had a more thought out answer for that obvious question. That kind of put in perspective for me about what she thought of boys and men for that matter.

I take nothing away from the woman…her kindness and giving are remarkable, but that was really hurtful to hear from such a icon of society. That also gave me the realization that men will have to step up and provide this type of philanthropy for young boys.

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 11:57 AM | Link to this

Sexione I don’t know to be honest, but I have a few theories. Maybe no one. Maybe these women will make great do-girls. Look at Condy. She carries out the missions handed down by Gee Dubya with a certain zeal that just can’t be overlooked. If you’re in charge, she’s your top agent - kind of like a female 007.

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 11:59 AM | Link to this

Yo Que? You don’t drive a Mazda do you?

By Tazzee

February 27, 2007 12:04 PM | Link to this

Morning folks!

On topic Never been married, thought I was dating a divorced man once - turns out he was still married.

Off Topic Saw Oprah’s special and I was moved. I plan on incorporating donations to her school into my budget - just like I do with my alma, and HBCU North Carolina A&T State University. I am sick and tired of people complaining about what Oprah does. Why didn’t she open a school here - she explained that, children here don’t appreciate education. They have a chance for education and don’t take advantage of it. I watched that special and was amazed at how intelligent, expressive and articulate (I hate that word) those young ladies are with the limited resources they have. Yet you have kids going to real nice schools in metro Atlanta that are hellbent on maintaining that SWATS slang. I lived there 8 years and still can’t understand them.

Morris Brown is in trouble because the folks in charge neglected their fiduciary duties. And honestly, how many of you that have graduated from HBCUs actually give back to your school regularly? No matter how you spin it, you can give back - plan and budget properly and make it a priority. So don’t look to Oprah to save the HBCUs - look to the millions of folks that have graduated, got their degrees and good jobs and have never looked back.

On why its a school for women - how about because Oprah is a woman. Why don’t you look to the men that are rich to save young black men? How many of you that are complaining have taken the time to mentor a young black man? Honestly - it doesn’t take billions. Hell if you take the top 25 black athletes - they could build a school much bigger than Oprah’s to educate the men. So instead of looking to Oprah to save the men - men, save the men.

You men are so quick to label Oprah a lesbian because she’s not married and strives to empower women. Well dernit, call me a lesbian too. Because I have friends that are on the same scale with me as Gayle is with her. My calling is to mentor and empower young women.

And honestly, why should Oprah make it her goal to help the men? These same black men that were so quick to call her ugly and fat just some years back? These same black men that continue to insult and degrade black women in their songs and videos? These same black men that would have babies with black women but give their last name to a white woman? Honestly it makes no sense to me.

The black woman has been the mother of the community for years only to be spit upon by the black man many times. So I applaud Oprah for all that she is doing and challenge the men to work with the men.

Now flame away brothers

By The Q Board not MusingLee

February 27, 2007 12:04 PM | Link to this

Waiting on baited breath for Que’s answer to the Miata question….Heads shaved, arms branded, and stomping boots laced up

By (Blurry Eyed) Foots

February 27, 2007 12:04 PM | Link to this

SlimOne Healing = keeping busy + time alone + ?????

I think that the ????? has to be a willingness to move on. A lot of times, we can stick ourselves in the past and each time we go back there in our longing for what once was, it’s like ripping the scab off the wound.

You know what, I thought about the egg donation thing. Isn’t it hard on your body to take the hormones for it though?

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 12:05 PM | Link to this

Que For me that meant taking those ugly things about myself that I saw in the mirror and improving on those things. It also means being focused on school to aid in a better future for myself and simply to get back to the things that interests Slim. When you’re in a long term relationship, a lot of compromise goes on as well as getting into your own routines that may not allow you to explore your interest as much as you would like. So i think people sometimes have to sort of “Rediscover” who they are when they are finally single. (you may or may not be the same person you were pre-relationship) This of course is my own personal meaning of ‘work on self or get myself together’. That could mean becoming more financially stable, emotionally stable, etc.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 12:06 PM | Link to this

A little background and I am not sure if it was mentioned in the special.

1.Oprah promised to build the school six years ago, while visiting South Africa’s former president Nelson Mandela.

2.The academy selects girls whose family income is less than $700 a month.

3.The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy will eventually cater for 450 girls who show outstanding promise but whose families cannot support their education.

4.The school incorporates 28 buildings, across a 20 hectare (50 acre) site, with hi-tech classrooms, computers and science laboratories.

5.The school aims to employ advanced education techniques, and communication technology that will allow Oprah to teach from Chicago.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 12:09 PM | Link to this

Passing Tazzee the soapbox torch I gave it up for Lent

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 12:11 PM | Link to this

@Dr.Kym, I’m reading & I understand what you’re saying but isnt that all the more reason to START with the MEN….?

I’m a Huge HIV/AIDS activist here in Atlanta have been since 2000 when one of my dearest guy friends died with it at the age of 25. The women stats are high b/c their uneducated about the epidemic & again who’s passing that disease….The MEN.

So why not start with them?

The women there can be just as FREE & liberal as we are here with men involve in their lives.

Dont wanna get to far gone into this Oprah thing…..she do what she do

So why not educate them as well if not first

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 12:11 PM | Link to this

Damn yoll… looks like Tazzee caught her man’s dyck in some other woman last night. LOL Dayummm slim… It ain’t that crucial.

By Linguist

February 27, 2007 12:12 PM | Link to this

Hey E’rybody

Interesting topic given that I just had an explosive argument with hubby. I might just lurk today - for fear of writing something I might regret.

I’m trying to use the “secret” philosophy where we “speak” into existence the things that we want for ourselves. I want so desperately for things to change in our relationship, but I find it challenging (to say the least) to think pleasant thoughts, when really I just want to give the man a lobotomy … asap..

By Pharress_Beuller

February 27, 2007 12:12 PM | Link to this

Slim1,

I was in graduate school with a chick that sold her eggs and lets just say she didn’t have any student loans to pay off. She was really open about it and wrote her dissertation on it. There are extensive qualifying methods to this and take into consideration the demand for the type of child and the emotions of reality that goes along with it…positive & negative.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 12:13 PM | Link to this

One note on Mo Brown you know Tom Joyner offered to buy the college and the AME Church turned him down.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 12:14 PM | Link to this

Pharess That also gave me the realization that men will have to step up and provide this type of philanthropy for young boys you brought up a good point. In a society where men constantly get on women that are Oh-SO Independent and state how a man cannot teach a boy how to be a man….why wouldn’t another man step up and match her all girls school with an all boys school… Wouldn’t it mean more for the boys to see that another man also wants to see them progress in a society that seems to devalue black men as time goes by???

Tazzee that’s what I was getting at. Also, hasn’t Oprah went through being molested and all that before, so that might play into her not being married and doing more for the little girl. Personally I think Oprah is just asexual

Foots I had actually went as far as request the packet of information and that NOVEL of question and info was intimidating. I see now why they will give you $5000-6000 to donate. So much does go into giving eggs. Is not like you go in a room with a porno and magazine and come back out with a filled up after only 10 minutes. It was a thought but a friend asked how i’d feel having a child of mine out in the world. I didn’t know how to answer that.

By Blue_Kolla

February 27, 2007 12:15 PM | Link to this

now sending over to Tazzee a box of Krispy Kremes and chocolates…

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 12:16 PM | Link to this

Daaayyyyuuuummmm Tazzee, put it on out there then!!! I hear you too!!

Blue Oh, let’s not get started on Condy, she irks the hellz out of me all up in Dubya’s azz. She is NOT a good example following his regime of BS. But I digress!!

By Mo

February 27, 2007 12:19 PM | Link to this

@ Que For me, “getting myself together” means looking into the mirror and taking inventory. Learning from mistakes, realizing my input in those mistakes and not making those mistakes again. Realizing that I grow and change and nothing is wrong with that, but also knowing that I am not perfect. I am trying to get rid of the stuff I dont like and emphasizing what I do like. In all, I mean that I am getting to know me better, good & bad, so that I can become better. Better for me and my child.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 12:20 PM | Link to this

correction should read that a ‘woman’ can’t teach a boy how to be a man

By Kelli

February 27, 2007 12:22 PM | Link to this

and true to form, BLUE KOLLA’s IGNORANT response to a woman’s comments refer to something sexual. You perpetuate the stereotype, and you embrass me. It IS that crucial, put down the porn and pick up a book.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 12:24 PM | Link to this

Choc Peach in Africa men are the power. While there are many struggling poor familes the young men are more likely to recieve education than the woman and that is if it is made available to them. African countries are not necessarily happy republics-look at the Sudan and Liberia a few years back. They are recovering from civil war and I guess Oprah started with South Africa because of the promise she made but they have a somewhat more stable society although there is still a high crime rate.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 12:25 PM | Link to this

Pharress Did the chick ever say how it may have effected her negatively selling her eggs? Yeah I know they pay starting from $5000. The packet i received was worse than applying for the CIA or FBI. I mean it had ALL kinds of questions on stuff you would never think they’d ask you. I wonder if the questionaire is as extensive when it comes to men donating.

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 12:26 PM | Link to this

Why don’t you look to the men that are rich to save young black men

Tazzee What ever happened to “it takes a village.” I know you may have written that post in a heated moment…but, really? Should only male teachers teach the boys in their class and not the girls, should female doctors only save females that come into the hospital? That’s one of the most selfish things I’ve heard. If you have the means to help someone, help whomever you can.

children here don’t appreciate education.

That’s like saying starving children here don’t appreciate food as much as starving kids in Africa….There are kids in Africa who could careless for education, same as here.

By Jake

February 27, 2007 12:29 PM | Link to this

What up Peeps:

Yo Blue, welcome back. I hear your conspiracy theories too…interesting.

Never married, never dated a divorcee, but had a helluva interested relationship that did not make it, felt like a divorce, but I kept all my shyt…LOL

No particular insights, but I don’t think the divorce helps you navigate the single scene any better, but I know from my divorced friends (male and female) that it does help you see the bull a mile away…the divorced are generally more attentive to the relationship, which means they take far less crap. They know when its going downhill, so they get out quicker if things look fuzzy.

On Oprah: She is very powerful, so powerful that she is the equilavent to MJ in this way. When Michael Jordan was in his prime, there was this thing called the Jordan Effect on the economy, his products changed the balance of the economy. Oprah has had an equal or greater influence on Relationships. Her effect on the female perspective is undeniable, I think the females in our society have been Oprahtized. In the 20 or more years she has been around she has become the shining example of the “I don’t need a man philosphy” better known as women empowering themselves. This phenomenom has slowly reduced the importance of men in their traditional sense. This is a counteraction to a man’s need to be needed.

RESULT The dynamics of relationships have changed drastically, the lack of need a woman has for man ultimately leads to a lack of respect for his presence, which equals failed relationships.

My conspiracy theory and I’m sticking to it…LOL

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 12:33 PM | Link to this

Back to topic: I cosign SlimOne 12:05 post.

I will say I have dated exactly 3 men whom all had been divorced & neither one seemed bitter. They all wanted to marry again at one time or another which I thought was AWESOME!!!

By Pharress_Beuller

February 27, 2007 12:33 PM | Link to this

It’s more men than you would think that actually do, but that’s when you get into a numbers game. A lot of people do things that get no media coverage at all. Of course Oprah’s gonna get madd tv exposure and again I’m not tearing the lady down. Like I said I was just shocked by her response. I’ve volunteered and even had a little brother at one time until he moved and my schedule became a little more hectic and met some very giving brothas that open my eyes up to alot of things and the kids even more.

I’m not even here to say who should do what, but when you start to look at the astronomical numbers it can be depressing and garner feeling of helplessness as to what you can do.

By JRPAUL

February 27, 2007 12:35 PM | Link to this

@ Married Man, you’re a jerk for looking forward to Creeping, creep yourself home and enjoy your spouse “creep”

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 12:36 PM | Link to this

Jake Howdy there jake….I’m not one of those “I don’t need a man” chicks. I love my black brothers and sometimes I wish I had a great guy in my life BUT BUT BUT….In the meantime in between time, it’s Just Slim. lol

By twice divorced

February 27, 2007 12:36 PM | Link to this

I realize this who discussion is somewhat rhetorical, but given that people who have never been married are commenting on “divorced people” I suspect being twice divorced (one more and I’m going to “live in a van down by the river”) makes me something of an expert. Every divorce is different. To suggest that “divorced people say weird things” is right out of “Sex and the City” (mindless nonsense). The “Michael Jordan-looking” dude is probably divorced BECAUSE of his views on marriage/women; not the other way around (his views reflect the views of all “divorced people”). I realize you have to say something “controversial” in order to start a blog, but really? You should simply say “People say the weirdest things.” As such, a divorced person’s views on dating, re-marriage, the opposite sex, etc. are more often than not defined or shaped by their marriage/divorce experience. If one’s spouse cheated, or was abusive, or chemmically addicted, or politically incompatible; they (we) tend to apply these things to “the next victim”. In the best case scenario, we learn and move on.

And then there is the subject of children, which is a whole ‘nother kettle of fish”.

By Jake

February 27, 2007 12:38 PM | Link to this

Thanks Tazzee…empowering thoughts indeed..LOL

Hey **sexione,mocha,kym,slim.choco,raqi,wise, all the lovlies

Head nods MLB

By Cletus Snow

February 27, 2007 12:40 PM | Link to this

I’ve been married 41years we still argue but at the end of the day we still love each other and try to never go to bed angry. many of my friends and one of my sons have been divorced, sometimes it’s misplaced trust sometimes it’s something different,I always advise long engagements,although I met my wife 5 weeks before we married, Viet Nam created many fast marriages, most failed.I guess we were lucky and we’ve had to work hard to make it work,most of the problem marriages have as least one person who should not be allowed to have a dog,liking someone and good sex wont cut it over the long haul. I wouldn’t live with a liar or a cheater and can’t imagine how anyone marries them.A lot of times it’s too easy to just pull up your pants and run home to MaMas,I think its too easy.

By GaNative

February 27, 2007 12:41 PM | Link to this

Tazzee, not only Morris Brown, but most of the HBC’s have financial problems and problems keeping up with today’s technological advances. By the way, your Alma Matta is having some accrediation problems too. Their Nursing Program is in serious trouble from what I hear. And take a look at this article. One out of every four students is on Academic Probation.
http://bjnlb.us.publicus.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070118/NEWSREC010201/701180301/1014

By Tazzee

February 27, 2007 12:41 PM | Link to this

Musing no I’m not saying that men only should empower young men - what I’m saying is, men quit complaining about what Oprah is doing and get to work!

By aggressively witty

February 27, 2007 12:42 PM | Link to this

First giving honor to NC A&T and all the Aggies that have come before and after me including that light in the dark Tazzee!

Quick history lesson

Slavery ended in the united states in 1865, 16 years later a white lady founded what is now Spelman college. I am SURE, ABSOLUTELY SURE, that some of her white brethren at the time villified her for helping the “darkies” in the south when there were just as many impoverished whites in the south that her money and time could have gone too.

1994 Apartheid ended in South Africa and 13 years later a woman founded the Oprah Winfrey Academy South Africa (it is important to note that oprah made the location distinction very clear which leads me to believe that there will be more of these schools in other places). Oprah is now being villified for helping the south africans when there are just as many black americans who need her help.

Strange how times have not changed.

It irks me to no end how we are so quick to count other peoples money and good deeds. Forget the fact that the angel network has either built or has it in the coffers to do more for the rebuilding effort in new orleans than all of the naysayers COMBINED. Instead of focusing on Oprah and what she isnt doing why not try and fill the gap where you see one?

You all remind me of that MTV commercial where all them broads sit in the bathroom and see the water just running in the sink until 1 gal finally goes and turns the knob. Go turn off the water you lazy bastards.

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 12:44 PM | Link to this

I have to say that both sides make interesting points re: Oprahs’ gift (aside from the snide remarks about the obviously strong feelings). So this is my challenge to any of you that care to take it on - Go to Oprahs web site, and send her an email stating your feelings and why you feel the way you do. Let’s challenge her, and maybe she will in turn challenge some of her wealthy associates to step up to the plate.

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 12:47 PM | Link to this

WiseDiva If my mother-in-law keeps effing with me my prison time will be the perfect opportunity for me to put a book together.

But seriously I have kept a personal journal for years and if I ever decided to try my luck at getting my life published, it would consist of pages from that. Title: A Page from My Life, which is actually the name of my file that that journal is listed under in my notebook.

On Oprah and all the other “Save the People” extremists there is too much work that needs to be done right here in the US of A and they go and put millions into another country. Take Peachcare for instance. Those kids need resources for daycare and medical services. But I guess they wouldn’t get the same admiration and prestige for that would they.

Now exactly what is the present topic discussion?

By Married Man

February 27, 2007 12:50 PM | Link to this

D@mn JRPAUL.

You should maybe try reading the blog a little closer. You will see what my reasoning was behind why I said what I said.

Let me douse those flames flying from your nose.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 12:51 PM | Link to this

Musing Oprah does help whoever she can male and female she has started the Angel Network and she donated money to the area boys and girls club in MS where she grew up. I am not Oprah’s PR person But I do love her world view approach, yes there are kids in South Africa who care nothing about education, and who could equally match our kids here in their level of no give a damn attitude..but I think the difference is that the kids here in USA have a opportunity. Yes they may go to Washington High(it has gone a long way down hill since MLK graduated from there) and live in the hood and have to pass Pookie and the drug man daily. But they are not drawing water from a well, or using a hole as a toilet, or living 10 to a single room. They have more opportunity..You know when I hear those theories of destruction of the black male I always think of this quote by Carter G Woodson:

If you can control a man’s thinking, you don’t have to worry about his actions. If you can determine what a man thinks you do not have worry about what he will do. If you can make a man believe that he is inferior, you don’t have to compel him to seek an inferior status, he will do so without being told and if you can make a man believe that he is justly an outcast, you don’t have to order him to the back door, he will go to the back door on his own and if there is no back door, the very nature of the man will demand that you build one.”

By Royal Chic

February 27, 2007 12:51 PM | Link to this

Tazzee, It’s good to read ya….I’m glad I read long enough to stumble upon your comment….I haven’t blogged in a while, but it’s good to read that you’re on the same page as I am when it comes to Oprah…..

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 12:53 PM | Link to this

Heeyyyyy Jake I have to agree with Slim, not all women have been Oprahtized. There have been strong, black women doing what they had to do long before Oprah was around. The black woman has been forced to fend for self for centuries for various reasons. Yes, I love the black man, and one day He will send me the one for me, until then I must do what has to be done for me and mine.

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 12:54 PM | Link to this

@JRPaul, B E Z, Married came back & cleared himself…OMG!!

@ Cletus Snow…..Wow 41 years AWESOME!!!

Reading your posts reminds me of this question I have had FOREVER…..

Why do one ALWAYS marry before or while in the military? Most folk I know that was in the military at once were married there or on the way there. Wassup with that?

Inquiring minds wants to know……

By Wise Diva

February 27, 2007 12:54 PM | Link to this

twice divorced, the entry was SO not meant to be derogatory, it was just a few observations that I had talking to people. TO clarify, I wrote, “darndest things”.. (like kids say things that amuse, cause you to think, etc.) The ajc homepage says “weirdest things” however, that wasn’t written by me personally, but it applies because I still don’t think it was meant to be derogatory - and thanks for your comments!

By (Blurry Eyed) Foots

February 27, 2007 12:56 PM | Link to this

Jake RESULT The dynamics of relationships have changed drastically, the lack of need a woman has for man ultimately leads to a lack of respect for his presence, which equals failed relationships.

You’re assuming that the brunt of the responsibility of failed relationships lies upon the women because now they are “empowered” (i.e. too convinced of their own self-worth to take bullshyt)? I personally don’t think it’s a lack of respect for his presence, maybe it’s that she actually expects him to do something OTHER than just be present.

By THE INFAMOUS DK

February 27, 2007 12:57 PM | Link to this

2Can whats up you timer!!

Divorce is hard for men because we throw the towel in based on us thinking we have found our everything. I dont wish divorce on anyone because it takes so much of you, your optimism on relationships, your trust of the opposite sex, you always check for motives and above all else people become disposable as to say if you dont like what I’m doing.. Disappear. Divorce is good in some ways though because it makes you believe again in lifes simple pleasures such as a quaint conversation with someone you would have never talked to.. Light walks, enormous amounts of travel, you find you again and not have to be what society thinks you should be in a marriage.. All I’m saying is Divorce is the most bittersweet pill to ever swallow..

Also ladies the biggest thing you can do to help the dating pool is stop talking to your girls and calling your ex a dog because he left you for a reason.. Guys dont just up and leave their love and children unless the have been pushed to the limit of p**.. Men if you are a dog accept it but dont do it to your wife be alone, be single, tell the truth about who you are and what you do.

The good thing is eventually you find your way and get back to the basics and life becomes smooth again.. You even become cool with your EX.. You have to if you have kids.. Be patient dont rush into any relationships and find what truly makes you happy, stay busy and laugh as much as you can..

By Jake

February 27, 2007 12:59 PM | Link to this

For the sake of clarity:

I think the school is wonderful, she is helping our people. It would be nice if the boys had one, maybe it will inspire those with the means to do more period. In Africa, New Orleans, wherever there is a need.

By the way, I have mentored some of these “lil bastards”, and they don’t appreciate education. Its getting close to a point that we will not recover from. America’s isolated society makes them think that they will all be rappers and ballplayers, and many you cant tell them any different. They are unmotivated, and don’t want to be better people. BUT, with all that said.

NEVER BLAME A CHILD FOR HIS FAILURES, ITS ALWAYS AN ADULTS FAULT!!

By Linguist

February 27, 2007 1:01 PM | Link to this

I can’t keep up with all the different sidebars! I’m trying - but in a minute I’m going to be like foots all bleary eyed and e’rything!

Regarding Oprah, why can’t everyone just be happy for what she did?? Why do we have to take it “there”?? Can’t some young women have an awesome opportunity and leave it at that??

By MochaTreat

February 27, 2007 1:05 PM | Link to this

Hey Jake

How’s your day going?

By Pharress_Beuller

February 27, 2007 1:08 PM | Link to this

As far as the African kids vs US kids issue…to me is like comparing oranges to apples (both are fruit, but different kinds). This is a cultural difference, period. I’ve had this conversation with some African friends of mine and they think americans take all things for granted especially education…and we do in some sense, but it has more to do with our culture and belief systems. The US is the home of capitalism baby (China’s got next) and it’s all about the mighty dollar.

If you have a nation that values the dollar over education, then guess what education funds suffer (which they are), mental outlooks on a quality education suffers (which they do), etc. We are a nation of conspicuous consumers and when you’re raised in that with no balance of need for education and proper financial guidance that’s what CAN happened…in some cases people take it for granted and pass it on to their kids, maybe not intentionally, but they do. We all feed into it in one way or another. I’m not saying each and every person is guilty of this, but take a look at the masses. Then you look at the flip side where it’s the total opposite. Starving minds lust academic food.

By (Blurry Eyed) Foots

February 27, 2007 1:08 PM | Link to this

AggWit Once again, you bring such clarity to an argument. ^5

By Married Man

February 27, 2007 1:08 PM | Link to this

Chocolate Peach. Ironically, I served in the military over 15 years, and was married at 22; within a few years after I entered into.

Actually I did not intend to marry until later on, but my girlfriend at the time (now my wife) was struggling and really needed me (financial, home situation and college). I was basically supporting her from afar and knew that one day we would be married. And since I was basically supporting her anyway, we figured, “why not”?

Honestly, I wish I had waited, only from the standpoint that I never got the opportunity to date as an adult, and I think that left me open to what I eventually went through when I got out. The military is a life that has that “wife and kids” thing at the center. It gets lonely out there when you are deployed and having that stability helps one to get through. It is motivating and helps to give your life meaning. It is extremely tough on the families though, but unfortunately it is a necessity for many who choose this as their path for achievement, as well as (gasp) the security of the country.

In retrospect though, I do not regret what has transpired (insert rationale here). After all, it has brought me to where I am today.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 1:08 PM | Link to this

Foots dang girl, I almost choked on my fries reading that post maybe it’s that she actually expects him to do something OTHER than just be present DAYUUMMMM! ^5^5

By aggressively witty

February 27, 2007 1:09 PM | Link to this

Raqi, you cannot compare the lack of peachcare with a kid not having indoor plumbing, a bed, and one meal a week. Especially in the case of South Africa, a nation that JUST came out of institutionalized slavery. I graduated from High school the same year slavery was over in South Africa. Think about that for a minute.

I have this saying that I use fairly frequently and it is really a joke but I guess the reality of it is sad and true:

Altruism is for suckers.

By JRPAUL

February 27, 2007 1:09 PM | Link to this

sorry married man

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 1:11 PM | Link to this

THE INFAMOUS DK you said: laugh as much as you can Dang guys and gals have we laughed at all today

Slim goes looking for Musing. Blog needs some upliftment

By THE INFAMOUS DK

February 27, 2007 1:11 PM | Link to this

Lets not blame the institution of HBCU’s we have to lay the blame on those in control of the funds for that school. They created the environment of financial suicide. Malcolm X said it best One of the best things a black person could have, N’s messed it up

Tuskegee Stand UP! No financial probs, alumni gives back and supports to thew fullest.

By GaNative

February 27, 2007 1:16 PM | Link to this

Another NC A&T Link for Tazzee

http://www.news-record.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070114/NEWSREC0101/70113006

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 1:17 PM | Link to this

I am in no way discounting what Oprah is doing for the people of the World….And I know her cloaked slender stretches far and wide. And who the hellz am I to question the actions of almighty Oprah….But, I am saying in this particular case “What about the young boys?”

Although Oprah can afford her own media attention, I find it interesting how we as black are shown certain political/social figures and adopt them as our “leaders”…I am my own Leader, and I look upon my own intentions to ensure my actions….It’s just interesting.

By Married Man

February 27, 2007 1:17 PM | Link to this

NO PROBS JR..

To lunch I must go.

By THE INFAMOUS DK

February 27, 2007 1:17 PM | Link to this

Its not bad what Oprah did, because they need schools too, but often times we in America want to fix up someone else’s yard and ours is not together. You cant blanket statement no inner city kids want to learn because alot of them do, if only they had someone who shows interest.. I mentor also and I see these young dudes do significantly better only by me giving a little of my time, showing some concern and believing they can do better. I just try to be available when they need someone because thats what most of them is missing a positive influence in their life or a positive experience because everything around them is negative.. Exposure is the key and some of these kids have never been exposed to anything.. I say give the ones that want a chance to do better and they will, do just cast them off..

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 1:17 PM | Link to this

@INFAMOUS DK, I’m with you on that post there brutha!!!

I hate to hear women say ALL men are dogs. I have had 3 Major relationships in my dating time. I’ve had 100’s of guyfriends & I can HONESTLY say Not one of them were a DOG!!

They were some decent guys & we came to the conclusion at some time or another that we were no longer a “WE”

I can honestly say I have NO!! beef with any of them & vice versa….NOT 1 Maybe I’m still bitter on wheelchair dude but I’ll get over it!! Ha….L OL Nah, I’m just kidding

“PATIENCE” is the key word…… I’m forever laughing!! Laugh at anything…I just love to laugh makes my soul young!

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 1:20 PM | Link to this

THE INFAMOUS DK hey, I’m actually from Tuskegee and my cousin graduated from there. Sad to say I didn’t attend a HBC.

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 1:21 PM | Link to this

aggwit Comparable it may not be, but it is issues like that that matter to me because it’s what is going on right here on our door step. Believe that it matters to those that are going to affected by it, just a South Africa’s issue matter to them. I guarantee it would only take a fraction of the funds being sent over there and any where else to correct this problem that obviously doesn’t mean anything to our revered (not) leader. I don’t knock what winfrey, jolie and the likes are doing, but what about our kids right here.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 1:22 PM | Link to this

My 2 Cents

I did not see the Oprah but have watched the talk about it for months. I speak now from one “token white, over 40, divorced guy” standpoint.

It seems to me that as someone said above, “good is good”. She is doing a hellz of a lot more than I am, or, I dare say, most of us here. Could she do more, sure…so could all of us.

Is it wrong that she is doing all girls, maybe, but at least she is DOING SOMETHING and setting an example, and maybe the publicity will begin to become a trickle, and then MAYBE SOMEDAY a torrent of good that touches boys and girls, blacks and whites, Africa and everywhere else that there is a need.

Again, good is good. Maybe someday, what she starts in one place will someday light up the entire continent.

Regarding the various complaints I’ve read here…do I feel left out that it is for black (not white) girls (not boys), in Africa (not America)??? No way, I think it is a wonderful thing, and I hope it grows and grows and makes the whole world a better place, and pardon my lack of geographical knowledge, but if it is in one of those countries where there is dictatorial rule, or ethnic cleansing, or any other excuse for killing and greed, then I want it to bring some hope to those that know nothing but hurt and loss and death, that the world can and does sometimes cares.

So, bottom line, all of us should follow her example. We may not change every life, but maybe we can change one life at a time…and make things better for all of us. (Randyt steps down from teh soapbox).

By THE INFAMOUS DK

February 27, 2007 1:23 PM | Link to this

SP Dont just cast them off

By Jake

February 27, 2007 1:23 PM | Link to this

Sexi/Slim and the others who are about to profess there love of men

I trust many of you would love a great man, but lets not deny that the thought process of not needing one does exist. Of course, when forced, people take care of themselves. I was describing the increased commonality(is that a word..LOL) that many woman feel this way, remember this: I am woman, hear me roar. It may not be a conscious thought, but the movement of empowerment has affected how women relate to men, and vice versa, I believe it has had a negative effect on our romantic relationships, though it has benefited women greatly in other arenas.

Seriously, even a women’s most carnal need from a man is becoming obsolete. Some of you have replaced a good hard dyck with your favorite toy. Ya’ll phasing us out…LOL

I hope that helps to cut and slice the prior post.

By Becca

February 27, 2007 1:27 PM | Link to this

Well I married young and divorced bitterly after 8 years and now I am remarried for two years and it’s a beautiful thing. Being single again after the divorce was different and I was untrustfull due to my bad experience but you live and grow and now I am happily married again. Marriage is hard, so is dating, you have to take the good and the bad and compromise to end up happy. This is something I work on all the time!

By B-in-it

February 27, 2007 1:31 PM | Link to this

People, if you do some research on Oprah’s giving, you will find that all of it has not been highly publicized and she has done much in the U.S. for Blacks as individuals and as family units.

I read years ago about how she gave something like $100,000 to several family units to give them a chance and the majority of them f*ed it up!

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 1:33 PM | Link to this

Wow!! Married Man, Thanx!!! makes sense…….

INFAMOUS post’s once again. FAM U RATTLERS….Wassup? We’re exp a little difficulties however we’re recovering slowly but showly (surely) Vicious………

Yes, Someone PLEASE find MUSING

By Corky

February 27, 2007 1:33 PM | Link to this

THANKUBECCA

By Linguist

February 27, 2007 1:35 PM | Link to this

Thanks e’rybody … all this talk about Oprah has made me temporarily put aside my anger at hubby :)

Musing What’s it gonna take for a woman to get a skit in here ???

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 1:36 PM | Link to this

Well stated Randyt…I am done talking about Oprah for the day.

By Wise Diva

February 27, 2007 1:37 PM | Link to this

Becca, that is so true, thanks for chiming in!

By Jake

February 27, 2007 1:38 PM | Link to this

Foots Great comeback, but that a great example:

You’re assuming that the brunt of the responsibility of failed relationships lies upon the women because now they are “empowered” (i.e. too convinced of their own self-worth to take bullshyt)? I personally don’t think it’s a lack of respect for his presence, maybe it’s that she actually expects him to do something OTHER than just be present.

Your assumption leads one to think that I’m saying that jackazzes no longer exist. Very untrue, but your reply does insinuate satifying you will take lots of doing, because if he doesn’t do this or that, you don’t need him!!

Thanks for your contribution to the original thought…LOL

By (Blurry Eyed) Foots

February 27, 2007 1:41 PM | Link to this

Jake I take offense to your last comment! I have a good man AND a toy. My dude has to sleep sometimes!! LMAO!!!

And yes, you’re right. Empowerment has changed relationships. The men, for the most part, have not changed that much, a lot of them are doing the same old things that used to fly before. But now, many of the women have changed. It’s not that “I don’t need a man” has taken over, rather “I don’t need a sorry man” that has surfaced.

A truly good man will always be needed, wanted and respected in my life. And I’m sure that a lot of blog ladies feel that way. But if a man brings me drama, heartache and unhappiness, do I need that? Nope! And what makes it easier for me to make that decision is the fact that I know that I can do it alone if need be. Do I want to? Nah. But will I? You dayum straight! LOL!

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 1:43 PM | Link to this

Jake I think we all knew what you meant and you are correct in the way society seems to gravitate towards the SuperWomen-don’t really NEED a man world. Now don’t get too lost in that because it’s a matter of what came first the chicken or the egg. You have to look at the overall picture and think about why or what factors were the catalyst in where we are today. My ex didn’t have any real relationship with his father. His father was and still is just a womanizing party type of person with no real sense of responsibility. So that in turn has not given him a real example of how a man should be. A lot of me staying with him was that hope that he would somehow wake up with some fire under his azz and want to put forth effort in his future as well as ours. I wanted him to stand up and lead as a man should…I craved to have some reason to support him (not talking financially). So back to what you say it all begins to affect us negatively…you’re right. I slowly began to lose respect for him and even respect for myself. I had to decide that I couldn’t sit there waiting on the day he finally figures out what he needed to do as a man and also realize that I must have been failing him as well.

Now about replacing the man for sexual needs…I don’t care how many attachments or modes an electronic dyck has, it could never replace the warm hard flesh of a man. Slim thinking to herself she might have to call up an old cut buddy for some afternoon delight

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 1:43 PM | Link to this

Jake This one’s for you.

I AM woman, hear MY roar:

By (Blurry Eyed) Foots

February 27, 2007 1:43 PM | Link to this

Jake You are right. A man has to do something other than just show up to be with me.

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 1:44 PM | Link to this

I’m with Randy 100%

as well as Jake 200% Hell, where is the laughter???

I’m tired of co signing posts but I must say you all are giving some very valid points & I’m enjoying reading them all. Always curious to hear or read one’s point of view.

Leaving for lunch & hopefully upon my return Musing will be found.

By AnchorMan MusingLee

February 27, 2007 1:45 PM | Link to this

Good evening, I am MusingLee….

In today’s top story…A local Woman was honored with an award at the Waffle House for her exceptional dedication to her community and volunteerism……The awards celebration was cut short after the Woman had a heart attack from eating a Waffle Plate, Scattered, Smothered, and Quadruple Covered.

By me

February 27, 2007 1:48 PM | Link to this

Truth is, there is no one human being walking the earth that is able to fullfull every need or desire of another. Marriage should be illegal! It does serve one purpose, it keeps attorneys working.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 1:53 PM | Link to this

AnchorMan MusingLee For a minute I thought we were going to have to elect another court Jester in your absence. Whew, Close call!

By Tazzee

February 27, 2007 1:53 PM | Link to this

GaNative umm, I usually don’t call out folks on here but I never said my school was perfect, I said I give back. So instead of wasting your time trying to find fault with my alma mater - answer my question, what are you doing? Get your hands out of my pocket and concentrate on your own.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 1:57 PM | Link to this

Joke

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?” He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.” “Where shall I put it to get it warm?” He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there. “But what about the smell?” “Just hold its nose.” The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene

By AnchorMan MusingLee

February 27, 2007 1:57 PM | Link to this

In business news….On Wall Street today, stocks plummeted when investors finally realized that “the Gap” and “Old Navy” are the same dayumm store. When ask about the revealation one shopper stated, “I’ve been coming here for years and just noticed the two stores carry identical items at different prices.”….”the Gap” CEO said “MUahhhh hahahahahahahaha” as he flew away to his secret lair built into the side of a volcano.

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 1:59 PM | Link to this

It’s not that “I don’t need a man” has taken over, rather “I don’t need a sorry man” that has surfaced.

But if a man brings me drama, heartache and unhappiness, do I need that? Nope! And what makes it easier for me to make that decision is the fact that I know that I can do it alone if need be. Do I want to? Nah. But will I? You dayum straight!

• don’t need a man to support me, but I welcome his contributions. I don’t need a man to complete me, but I take pleasure in his presence. I don’t need a man to sex me,…hell who am I kidding, yes I do.*

Couldn’t have put it much better myself!!! In the days of old, women put up with men who cheated, drank excessively, beat them, raped them, and did nothing to help rear the children. Why? Because she couldn’t go out and support the family on her own. Now, we have choices. Don’t get mad at us because we choose to do better!! And we still welcome a good man into our lives, but hellz yes, he better come correct!!

By Suga&Spice

February 27, 2007 2:02 PM | Link to this

Just stopping by to thank AggWit for reminding me why I love him so!

I am also fishing for birthday wishes…hehehe!

I hope all is well with the newbies and the OGs

love you guys

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 2:04 PM | Link to this

A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”

By Justin

February 27, 2007 2:04 PM | Link to this

All of you know my views on marriage and divorce. Marriage will soon go the way of the dinosaur. Good Riddance!

By QueDogTeaching

February 27, 2007 2:05 PM | Link to this

BK (@ 11:59) Nope I don’t drive a Mazda. @Q Board Not Musing Lee (@ 12:04) If your going to try it like that, get some Doans, you will need it. Still Speed Lurking.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 2:08 PM | Link to this

@Suga&Spice…you hooked one: HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHICA

@Sexione Good One!

@Justin…still bitter I see.

By QueDogTeaching

February 27, 2007 2:09 PM | Link to this

@ Tazzee Dang I think you 12:04 post kind of turned me on.

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 2:09 PM | Link to this

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, “I don’t get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation.”

The angel says, “We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?”

The preacher says, “Once in a while someone fell asleep.”

The angel says, “Right. And when people rode in this guy’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!”

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 2:10 PM | Link to this

In World News this evening

World Conglomerate Microsoft Corp. released “Vista” it’s new operating system on last week. It should take “Vista” about 4 weeks to officially assimilate every Man, Woman, and Child on the planet. When asked for a comment, Bill Gates responded by saying “Resistance is Futile”…He then clunked the reporter in the head and inserted a Vista CD-ROM into his bleeding skull.

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 2:11 PM | Link to this

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Suga&Spice

By Linguist

February 27, 2007 2:13 PM | Link to this

@Justin: I was wondering where you were! As soon as I read Diva’s topic, I just knew you’d be the first to post!! :)

By Aggressively witty

February 27, 2007 2:14 PM | Link to this

Happy Birthday S&S!!!!

By Justin

February 27, 2007 2:17 PM | Link to this

Most divorced people know the reality of relationships and realize that happily ever after is crap.

By QC

February 27, 2007 2:17 PM | Link to this

Happy Birthday Suga

hey Musing

where’s Demi?

have a great evening all

HOLLA………..QC

By Tazzee

February 27, 2007 2:18 PM | Link to this

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUGA&SPICE didn’t expect to see you on here babygirl.

QueDogTeaching my alterego Candy has always been partial to you Ques - don’t make me bring her out…

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 2:20 PM | Link to this

Happy Birthday Suga&Spice.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 2:23 PM | Link to this

Aaaawwwww Justin

Marriage will soon go the way of the dinosaur.

Man, I hope not. I still hope for that kind of a relationship we all seek in marriage. The lady I have been seeing (six months yesterday according to her) is pretty special. If things keep going the way they have, marriage is a very high probability someday…(besides…am still hoping for that elusive “free piece of a$$” that I heard about. So far has been the most expensive “free piece of a$$” I have experienced, LOL).

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 2:30 PM | Link to this

Randyt lmao

By Dr.Kym aka Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 2:30 PM | Link to this

Sorry to correct something earlier I posted about Oprah..she built the Boys and Girls club in her hometown in MS. An she contributed 10 million of her own money to the school in South Africa, the rest were donations. An through her Angel Network she has built close to 60 schools across the world not all for girls. Also for the budding philanthropist in you.. she has information on how to start a non-profit org.

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 2:33 PM | Link to this

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 2:34 PM | Link to this

Randy Anything worth having is worth paying for.

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 2:34 PM | Link to this

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow”.

The second one says: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet”.

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: “You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45”!!

By Wise Diva

February 27, 2007 2:37 PM | Link to this

Happy Birthday Sugar & Spice!

By Justin

February 27, 2007 2:38 PM | Link to this

You ask “How does divorce change your outlook on dating, relationships, and marriage?” Read below and see why I have changed…

Two‑thirds or more of all divorces involving couples with children are initiated by mothers, not fathers.

A randomized study of 46,000 divorce cases published in the American Law and Economics Review found that in only 6% of cases women claimed to be divorcing cruel or abusive husbands, and that adultery was cited by women as a cause of divorce only slightly more than by men. Surveys of divorced couples show that the reasons for their divorces are generally a lack of closeness or of “not feeling loved and appreciated.”

Studies show that the overwhelming majority of steadily employed divorced fathers pay their child support. While there are a few well‑heeled divorced dads who stiff their children, most non‑paying dads are either poor, unemployed, disabled, or incarcerated. According to a US Government Accounting Office report, two‑thirds of those fathers who do not pay their child support fail to do so because they are financially unable to do so.

There are almost as many unfaithful wives as there are unfaithful husbands. Research generally estimates that for every five unfaithful husbands, there are four unfaithful wives.

Domestic violence research overwhelmingly shows that women are just as likely as men to initiate and engage in domestic violence, and that only a small percentage of women’s domestic violence is committed in self‑defense. Studies show that women often compensate for their smaller size by their significantly greater use of weapons and the element of surprise.

Official Department of Justice statistics show that men commit 70% of all murder of intimates. However, when other factors are accounted for, including unsolved murders, poisonings mistakenly classified as heart attacks, and contract killings classified as “multiple offender killings,” women have been shown to be at least as likely as men to murder their current or former spouses or intimates.

Most child abuse and parental murder of children is committed by mothers, not fathers.

Three-quarters of divorced fathers surveyed maintain that their ex-spouses have substantially interfered with their visitation rights.

Prosecutions of fathers who violate child support mandates are common, whereas prosecutions of mothers who violate visitation orders are rare.

The government spends $340 on enforcing child support for every $1 it spends on enforcing visitation rights.

When women start fighting for the rights of all in a marriage, then men will want to pursue long-lasting relationships

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 2:38 PM | Link to this

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to f’ck your brains out, and suck your t!ts dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 2:39 PM | Link to this

@Married Man

The military is a life that has that “wife and kids” thing at the center.

Things must have changed since I was in the Army. If I can accurately quote Cpt. Cherry from Ft. Bragg, “if the Army thought it would make you a better soldier if you had a family, they would ISSUE YOU ONE!!!” Or as they used to say in the Russian Marines, “Toughy s**”. LOL

Just playing wit ya!!!

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 2:40 PM | Link to this

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

By GaNative

February 27, 2007 2:41 PM | Link to this

Tazzee, what I’m doing is showing you that HBC’s aren’t worth a SHID.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 2:43 PM | Link to this

Hey Raqi

Randy Anything worth having is worth paying for.

I was joking, I hope you know that. I agree 100%. Free stuff is usually worth about what it costs (and “free advice” pretty much always, so beware of anything taken from this blog, hehehehe).

By AwwwwDaaaayyyuuumm

February 27, 2007 2:43 PM | Link to this

Justin NOT GONNA HAPPEN!! Too bad, so sad!!!!

When women start fighting for the rights of all in a marriage, then men will want to pursue long-lasting relationships BULLSHYT!!!!

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 2:45 PM | Link to this

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”

The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”

He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”

He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”

“And you never bloody will if you don’t change your attitude.”

By Confused

February 27, 2007 2:45 PM | Link to this

@Tazzee I attend South Carolina State…A&T;s Football Rivals…I miss college

@Justin…Marriage is not a bad thing and with time I want to remarry in my mid 40s to 50s…You will to with time, healing and self relection…

@The Blog Great Posts from everyone..This is truly great thearpy during the day…

By Justin

February 27, 2007 2:46 PM | Link to this

Women are granted endless authority to criticize the men in their lives whereas men must walk on eggshells to do just a little of the same. Dating a divorcee is much the same as dating some of the jaded women, except she was married. Many of the single women have children also so what’s the difference? Most men want to find a woman who has the same values, who is honest and real (meaning no fake hair, fake nails, and all the outer trimmings), keeps herself healthy and at a healthy weight, who isn’t needy, has good credit and doesn’t nag. Is that too much to ask?

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 2:47 PM | Link to this

Justin this one’s for you….

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 2:49 PM | Link to this

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey - its not that hard.”

By Justin

February 27, 2007 2:51 PM | Link to this

Linguist, I was late on this topic but it is one that hits very, very close to home!

Awwww, Yeh, we know it is a dream…

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 2:51 PM | Link to this

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “F’CK YOU”

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f’ck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

By linda

February 27, 2007 2:54 PM | Link to this

I went through a divorce after 20 years of marriage. He decided one day he didn’t want to be married anymore. It was very painful and after months of therapy and crying and leaning on friends for support and reading self help books, I now have a happy life with a new love. Yes, life does go on and sometimes we can’t see what is best for us, but God can. Do I want to get married again - no, but you can never say never. Do it anyway!!!

By Sexione

February 27, 2007 2:54 PM | Link to this

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

I’m out, everybody have a great evening!!!

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 2:55 PM | Link to this

Now taking Sexione some blog hot wings for that last joke.

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 2:57 PM | Link to this

Sexione um…hun…that last one was kind of DISGUTING uahhgggghhghghgh!

By Confused

February 27, 2007 3:00 PM | Link to this

@SexiOne that post was PRICELESS!!!

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 3:00 PM | Link to this

Randy Yes I figured you were.

Having your own exclusive rooster doesn’t come cheap for us women either, but I look at it like this…The guarantee that it will be UP at the crack of dawn every morning…Priceless. LOL

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 3:01 PM | Link to this

Randy Yes I figured you were.

Having your own exclusive rooster doesn’t come cheap for us women either, but I look at it like this…The guarantee that it will be UP at the crack of dawn every morning…Priceless. LOL

By Confused

February 27, 2007 3:01 PM | Link to this

@SexiOne that post was PRICELESS!!!**

By Tazzee

February 27, 2007 3:01 PM | Link to this

GaNative maybe not to you but I am someone that started at a majority university and transferred to an HBCU. And if I had to do it all over again, I would attend an HBCU. Oh and my HBCU education keeps my pockets lined, affords me the chance to travel out of the country at least once a year and I would go more if I had more vacation time. Outside of my mortgage I only have a car note - one that I wouldn’t have except the interest I earn in the bank is more than the interest on the note (in other words I could have paid cash for the car). And because I am so blessed and realize that I would be a fool not to give back.

With that said - I hope you are giving back to whatever university you were able to attend. And again get your hands out my pocket

Confused I used to attend the ‘battle on the border’ when I lived in Charlotte. The last game I attended SC State whupped us bad. I left the game yelling ‘well at least we have more Black CPA alums than any other university in the world!’, LOL - I had to find some way to defend my school…

By Dr.Kym aka Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 3:02 PM | Link to this

Justin why is it when you post I think of the Dixie Chicks song… Not ready to make nice.

I’m not ready to make nice I’m not ready to back down. Still mad as hell and don’t have time to go round and round. It’s late to make it right, I probably wouldn’t if I could. Still mad as hell and cant bring myself to do what it is you think I should.

By Jake

February 27, 2007 3:04 PM | Link to this

I’m back:

I knew there would be some interesting comments. Sexione, thanks for packaging all the rebuttals so I can stare at them at once. To that I say:

Now we all know that I’m not talking about any dude who would fall into the category of sorry man, liar, cheater, azz-whupper, or none of that

Most women can’t make stick with with Mr. Intelligent, Well-Spoken, Caring, Sincere, Faithful, God Fearing, Beat it up Right,and list goes on.

Before you jump back at me, ask yourself how many of you have, or know a lady who ran a “good man” man right out of town.….Ya’ll know I’m not lying.

Exibit A: Justin’s 2:38 post!

The prosecution rests your honor!!…LOL

BTW, Sexione, these are for you winks and kisses

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 3:09 PM | Link to this

@Linda

It does get good, if we wait and let it happen. I was married for 20+ years also, and as painful as it was, I wouldn’t trade it for anything because of the peace I ultimately attained. AS Andy Stanley at North Point Community Church said in one of his sermons, “if you wait long enough, you WILL see HIS fingerprints on the glass”, and you will understand the reason for the pain. My life is really good, but I could never have found that without walking through darkness first.

By Tazzee

February 27, 2007 3:15 PM | Link to this

Jake You are right, there are many women that have ran a good man right out of town. But the same is true with men and a good woman. And I’m not talking about the straight up trifling ones. I’m talking about the guys that are great on paper, think they are ready for a relationship and then do stupid stuff when things get a little too serious for them. Stuff like getting overwhelmed with things at work and home, pulling a disappearing act for a full month, then coming back apologizing tombout ‘I’m sorry but I always go into a cave when I’m overwhelmed to deal with things’

Its called growing pains and honestly men and women go through it. The tricky part is getting mature, relationship-ready men and women to meet each other at the right time.

By Confused

February 27, 2007 3:17 PM | Link to this

@Jake guilty as charged but through the hell I gave it came back double and now I have no choice but to self reflect…Although I won’t take total blame bc I feel it was in him and fronting the whole time I did my dirt and my dirt brought out his true self and it was war in midtown for two years…But no regrets…Without hat drama I would have never known I can live on my own without fear and a man!!! Wow growth!!! Still healing though!!! @ Randy you are the man!!!

By Demi

February 27, 2007 3:20 PM | Link to this

GOOD AFTERNOON TO ALL MY BEAUTIFUL PEEPS (OR TO WHATEVER GOD CREATED IN HIS LIKENESS)

By Kelli

February 27, 2007 3:22 PM | Link to this

Most women can’t make stick with with Mr. Intelligent, Well-Spoken, Caring, Sincere, Faithful, God Fearing, Beat it up Right,and list goes on

so off base. Not only do women STICK with that type, they marry them, have their kids and then RAISE their sons to be just like them. Just say you don’t know any women like them, no surprise really, you probably have nothing in common with that type of man.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 3:25 PM | Link to this

Jake, Tazzee, and Confused

Sometimes two people can both be good, just not good for each other. Neither I nor my ex were bad people, we just ultimately were not right for each other. Sometimes it is not one running the other away or off, sometimes it is just realizing that you are bringing each other down through no really big fault or faults of either.

By Confused

February 27, 2007 3:25 PM | Link to this

It is like I came to the A and straight overdose…I open and closed Visions..Dugans and on and on then telling myself I need to marry my college sweetheart bc we been shaking for two years…Bad, Bad equation…I will give my daughter the true scoop and hope she does not shack but I know I can’t stop her…Experience is the best teacher but I will tell her how to avoid what I encounter from the fear I had..hopefully I will provail but hell that is 18 years from now…

By SeanJohnson

February 27, 2007 3:29 PM | Link to this

@ Kelli…u might be missing Jakes point…i am sure women stick with them when they mature…but women in their early to mid 20’s let brothers slip away…and when we get 30 plus…its like tennis…advantage SJohnson…

By Justin

February 27, 2007 3:29 PM | Link to this

Rent-a-wife www.wsbtv.com/family/11124672/detail.html

By Demi

February 27, 2007 3:31 PM | Link to this

Y’all divorcees are some bitter M/F…Musing Buy these bitter a$$ folks some shots!!

By Confused

February 27, 2007 3:34 PM | Link to this

I think that is why we get along so well…We did each other wrong and don’t owe each other anything…We just do right by our child and live are lives apart…I have never stepped foot in his apartment since the day he left me and he only comes to mine for pick up so we know we are over and respect that our season ended nasty but with time it got better…We do so well apart communication wise…Won’t bore you guys anymore..off to class…

By JohnMark

February 27, 2007 3:35 PM | Link to this

I would have never married a divorced woman, I do not believe in divorce. If you take marriage seriously and you are patient enought to find and marry the right person than its not even an option. I have been married 15 years, and there have been some rough ones, a couple of times when divorce would have been an easy out, but because of love and FAITH AND RESPECT FOR MARRIAGE we worked through our issues and our marriage is stronger. We will be together until death do us part, to me someone telling me they are divorced immediately makes me think they are either, impulsive, self indulgant, lazy, and of poor character

By QueDogTeaching

February 27, 2007 3:36 PM | Link to this

@Tazzee In the words of Jay-Z, In regards to Candy Bring her out/ bring her out/ it hard to yell with Ques barrel in your mouth. LOL I had to do it. But not to you, to Candy

By Alvin

February 27, 2007 3:37 PM | Link to this

Kelli I use to be call a good man…I realize women don’t care about that…Until age 30+

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 3:39 PM | Link to this

In accordance with demi’s request, Now buying shots of Henney for er’body…..But placing some Hypnotic into my own glass

By Justin

February 27, 2007 3:40 PM | Link to this

One problem with marriage today is many women place the children, their family, their career, etc. before their husbands. If women expect men to place them first, they must do so also.

By abc

February 27, 2007 3:42 PM | Link to this

Nice and self-righteous, JohnMark. What if their ex is the one that insisted on the divorce, in spite of their wishes to try and work it out?

By Jake

February 27, 2007 3:43 PM | Link to this

Tazzee, well said.

Confused glad to see the honesty, but I can’t no repost the part that was wrong.
I did my dirt and my dirt brought out his true self

people change after they are hurt.

Kelli, thanks for the knife in the back. If I was the kind of guy that you think I am, I would have said, “bycth, you don’t know me”, but no offense taken.

For future reference, most articulate thoughts they are familiar with, not just on the blog, but in life. If you continue you come back on this blog, you’ll probably find that I’m not talkin out of my azz…be easy.

By For Real

February 27, 2007 3:45 PM | Link to this

I know I am late to the party but why do women feel the need to express loudly that they are can take care of themselves and don’t need a man?

Isn’t that what adults are suppose to do? Take care of themselves?

To prove how silly this sound, what if men when around screaming:

I am a Strong man, that pays my own bills, and I don’t need a women to nothing for me that I can’t do for myself

By GA.man

February 27, 2007 3:47 PM | Link to this

HEAR YE..HEAR YE Gaman’s Bar is now open taking all orders…..let me have ‘em

By beenthereundonethat

February 27, 2007 3:47 PM | Link to this

I’ve been divorced now about 10 years. I wasn’t what I consider “married” long, about 2 years with 3 extra tacked on to finally get a divorce.

No kids…some emotional baggage because it took awhile to get out of the large hole my ex-’s before marriage debt layed on me. I was left with almost nothing.

I have made a comeback, generally happy & not really seeking a relationship. I don’t think me being divorced makes me any different probaly “scarred but smarter” I’ll know when it feels right….

By Living Life

February 27, 2007 3:48 PM | Link to this

Well, I married a divorcee. Well, I married into a family full of divorcees. My x will be on his second divorce after we finalize ours (my first and only -ever). My mother0in-law has been divorced 3 times, and my father-in-law has been divorced twice. So, when I married my husband I thought he would have real insight into how to make a marriage work. After all he spoke about the importance of communication, respect, honesty, blah, blah, blah. The only thing is, he didn’t walk the walk. Hence, our marriage’s demise. Would I marry again - sure. But like one gentleman put it, I am looking for things other then outward appearance - all those things my ex spoke about and spirituality. I think divorce has taught me a hard lesson in what I want and what I don’t want. For now I am content, but I know the itch to get back out there will hit and when it does…

By Confused

February 27, 2007 3:49 PM | Link to this

@JohnMark so harsh and rough with out those adjectives how can one live learn and grow???? I see your point but without experice this blog would not be here..But anyway to each it’s on…Leaving in a few…

By JohnMark

February 27, 2007 3:50 PM | Link to this

Then you married the wrong person to start with…once again my point is made…know who you are marrying. If you live right, you can be self righteous! My Wife, Kids and myself live good productive lives I am very proud of. If you put out good intentions and do your best to live right good things and a good life will come to you. I am not being arrogant, but proud of the decisions me and my family have made and continue to make.

By Jake

February 27, 2007 3:51 PM | Link to this

Great observation Randy

Thanks SeanJ for the assist.

By Confused

February 27, 2007 3:58 PM | Link to this

Jake I will always feel this person he is now was always there just like the person I am now was in me but was not discovered until s** happened…We all have to process conflict in relationships not jump bail when s** hits the fan…We did not know how to process and communicate after the hurt…So it was nothing left but to look inward at ourself and move on!!! I see your point but don’t agree with it that is why I like the true self in the beginning… not the pre-this is who you want me to be bc we both played that game and lost! my lesson was to be true to me…

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 3:58 PM | Link to this

John Mark, I LOVE IT!!!!!!!! OMG That’s the best post I’ve read all day………….

I knew there was a man that felt me on the “True Bond” marriage issue.

Now, that’s what I’m talkin bout

I couldnt have said it(Post it) better myself.

Gotta Luv it!!!!!!!!

By SeanJohnson

February 27, 2007 4:01 PM | Link to this

@ Jake…no problem….now get back on defense…SJ in his Lakers #32 Jersey…but shorts baggy like Jordan..wouldnt be caught dead in ho shorts lol

By Tazzee

February 27, 2007 4:01 PM | Link to this

Que I actually did LOL at that one. No need to apologize, I left the door wide open for that one.

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 4:02 PM | Link to this

JohnMark and abc

Nice and self-righteous, JohnMark. What if their ex is the one that insisted on the divorce, in spite of their wishes to try and work it out?

I, and I would suspect abc also, have read the same Bible verses, probably at least as much as you have. What abc said was true in my marriage. Neither of us were happy. We had more bad luck than you can imagine. Infidelity, nor a lack of sincerity in our wedding vows were a factor. I tried every way in the world to try to pull it back together when I realized it was unreaveling, not because I was happy, but because I did not want my children to lose their parents. Sometimes one can run out of the energy to fight it, and finally gives up fighting one’s ex, one’s in-laws, one’s ex-friends, and just gets tired of being alone.

I am glad that BOTH of you decided to stick it out in your marriage, because it only takes one to end it. I can show you the t-shirt. But if one genuinely excepts his/her role and knows it for what it was and asks forgiveness, then one becomes a candidate for GRACE…look it up if they haven’t talked about it for awhile in your church.

By Raqi

February 27, 2007 4:04 PM | Link to this

Justin I don’t feel that anyone should be put before the other in a relationship when it comes to kids and/or spouse…every one has their rightful place. But since you brought it up the last thing I said to this one jerk I was attempting to date that made that statement toward my kids is, “My kids came from the very place you are trying to get into, and if you would like to see that happen you better recognize.” Never heard from him again. Jake would he be one of those good ones you are talking about? j/k

I know you were referring to marriage, but I just remembered that.

Bonne nuit, everyone.

By Confused

February 27, 2007 4:04 PM | Link to this

GaMan…Grey Goose on the rocks with lots of lime…Peace

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 4:05 PM | Link to this

Now handing ChocoP a napkin for her moistness

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 4:05 PM | Link to this

OMG!!! Big Ups to you John Mark for those amazing 15 years…..

It’s my word, I say the same EXACT thing…No one respect it to make it last.

I wish you 15 more…….& some

By For Real

February 27, 2007 4:06 PM | Link to this

JohnMark I agree with you to a point. Just as you indicated divorced cross you and your wife mines as well with that said, the divorced laws of today renders the party that wants to stay and make work powerless. Also, you are right we should all live righteous lives but too much pride will lead to self-righteousness so check your bible and then check yourself.

By JohnMark

February 27, 2007 4:12 PM | Link to this

I re-read my post and wanted to clarify something. Tone is not easily conveyed via text, but I did not intent was pride not judgement. I am a firm believer in putting out positivity and it will be returned. I also believe in setting high goals and expectations and they will come to you. I believe that love and faith is what makes my family strong. We support each other and support our friends neighbors and community. People often look for “cracks in the armor” but that, to me speaks volumes for those people and that energy looking for cracks could be redirected to finding their own successes.

By Alvin

February 27, 2007 4:13 PM | Link to this

On Oprah, men need to realize. God made us leaders…but what have we done with our leadership?

By Tater

February 27, 2007 4:13 PM | Link to this

There are almost as many unfaithful wives as there are unfaithful husbands. Research generally estimates that for every five unfaithful husbands, there are four unfaithful wives.

Say what you want about Justin but he is right on the money with this one..

By MochaTreat

February 27, 2007 4:13 PM | Link to this

@GAman I take a bottle of Moscato

By GA.man

February 27, 2007 4:13 PM | Link to this

What only one order……dumping some rats and mixing all the juices up in Musing’s bar so all of his clients will come over to Gaman’s bar

By MochaTreat

February 27, 2007 4:13 PM | Link to this

@GAman I take a bottle of Moscato

By Alvin

February 27, 2007 4:17 PM | Link to this

Tazzee Heeeeey!!! I liked your 1204pm post…

By SpaceyG

February 27, 2007 4:19 PM | Link to this

I’ve been single. I’ve been married. I’ve been divorced. I’ve been a blogger. All in all, I’ve been happiest being a blogger.

By Wise Diva

February 27, 2007 4:19 PM | Link to this

MochaTreat, I LOVE Moscato! Woo, goodness, I think I need to grab a new bottle for my fridge, LOL. thanks for reminding me!

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 4:19 PM | Link to this

Ga.man Those are unfar business practices, and I’m upset. Can you please pour me a double shot of Patron for me hard times?

By Linguist

February 27, 2007 4:19 PM | Link to this

Justin “Most men want to find a woman who has the same values, who is honest and real (meaning no fake hair, fake nails, and all the outer trimmings), keeps herself healthy and at a healthy weight, who isn’t needy, has good credit and doesn’t nag. Is that too much to ask?”

No, IMO, it’s not too much to ask. Many women want the same thing. So, knowing that, what’s the problem now? I don’t want to turn this into a “Justin therapy” session, but.. bear with me for a second.. what would happen if you stopped some of that anger towards your Ex (and the many of her ilk)? You’ve given her waaaay to much power. I can certainly empathize with your anger and frustration at her (and in some instances the courts), but at some point you are going to have to hold up a mirror and realize that are attracting these negative feelings about women and relationships. If you want a relationship that is healthy, emtionally & physically supportive, then “call it out”. Reverse that negative magnet, with one that is positive and see what you get.

It’s not easy. Shyt, what is? But maybe if we try it, we might like it.

just called hubby.. said I’m sorry for this morning. Didn’t get into all the details, just wanted to to put into motion my own advise.

Slim1 & JustMe Can a woman get a drink around here! Justin thinks I work for free ‘round this camp! Double Grey Goose on the rocks please!

By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)

February 27, 2007 4:20 PM | Link to this

One last word and I will shut up

My marriage lasted well over 20 years. When you make it that long, give me a holler and I will put you in for the medal you seem to think you deserve. I thought mine would last forever also.

Regarding dating “divorced women”, my significant other graduated from Liberty College, and so did her husband of 20 years. Look it up, Jerry Falwell started it. Her husband read his Bible daily, and started to go to Seminary…then one day he decided to have an affair with one of his clients. Fifteen years is early JohnMark, call me when you make it five or six more. I truly hope you are successful, I truly do.

By Gman

February 27, 2007 4:20 PM | Link to this

I almost married the last girlfriend I had before my wife. At the end of the relationship, we found out what the one thing we had in common was…a hate for her estranged husband.

Don’t get me wrong, she was seeking a divorce and he was already out of her house before I met her. But he still carried a torch for her and did everything you can imagine to break us apart. Needless to say, her personality and mine mixed like oil and water. We lived together, so the breakup was like getting a divorce.

I’m happily married now going on 11 years. Whats the secret? knowing when to shut up and say “yes dear.” (I’m kidding) I say the secret is knowing when to compromise. After all, if you had what your fantasy is of a perfect spouse should be, would you be in heaven or get bored since there’s no conflict?

By abc

February 27, 2007 4:20 PM | Link to this

So, JohnMark, I suppose that I should have known 20 years earlier that she was the wrong one, huh. That’s how long it took her to ultimately split.

Well, I won’t argue with you on that point. “A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool”, Proverbs 17:10.

By GA.man

February 27, 2007 4:21 PM | Link to this

okladies here are your orders…enjoy..hehehehehhehe mauh ahahha (evil laugh about Musing’s bar)

By GA.man

February 27, 2007 4:23 PM | Link to this

Gaman pours Musing a drink then offers him 25% of the bar to make it right

By Noelle

February 27, 2007 4:25 PM | Link to this

I dated a divorced man for over a year (I’m never-married single). Our relationship was great, except that he was never quite able to handle dating someone who was younger (11 years) and never married/no kids (he had a daughter). After we split up, he started dating and later married a divorced woman his age with 2 kids.

I joke that I must’ve been his midlife crisis. He also bought a sporty red car while we were dating!

By GA.man

February 27, 2007 4:39 PM | Link to this

Gman please change your name…..too close too mine and i dont want there to be a mix up

By Mo

February 27, 2007 4:39 PM | Link to this

@ GAMan Can a sistah get a Grey Goose w/pineapple juice please! This blog has been something else today ya’ll!

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 4:39 PM | Link to this

Linguist SOrry girl, I fell asleep behing the bar during all the ruckus (server went down for a minute) **A double shot of grey goose with extra lime coming up!)

By Awwwwww...Dayum (fo reel)

February 27, 2007 4:40 PM | Link to this

AwwwwDaaaayyyuuumm don’t be F/K’n with my name!!

signed…Awwwwwwww..Dayum (fo reel)

By For Real

February 27, 2007 4:41 PM | Link to this

Mr. GA.Man and Mr. MusingLee I am with the county health inspection department. My office has received calls about both of your establishments. I am here to perform a thorough inspection of the two businesses. I have been assigned to inspect your dark liquor and my partner Agent SlimOne who will be here shorty will inspect your white liquor. Now, Mr. Ga.Man the county requires two double shots of Hen and two double shot of Remy from your establishment. I hope the two of you have not made plans for this evening because (as I down the 2nd shot of Hen) as I said bafour me and my potna are thoro.

By Chocolate Peach

February 27, 2007 4:41 PM | Link to this

Thanx Musing for the napkin. AWESOME!!Blog ladies & gents just AWESOME!!

Have a Great evening & Keep doin what U do JohnMark……..

Peace ^ Chocolate Out

By demi

February 27, 2007 4:42 PM | Link to this

Hey JustMe

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 4:42 PM | Link to this

Musing walks over to shake Ga.man’s hand and slips on a cherry….Musing lays in pain

Musing: ohhhhhhh My Neck……My Back….My Neck and My Back

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 4:46 PM | Link to this

Gman Might I suggest these names…”Mr.G”, “Gspot Eradicator”, or “G’dayumit Man”. LOLOL

By Linguist

February 27, 2007 4:48 PM | Link to this

• Ling - climbing over bar gettin her own dayum drink.*

JustMe and Slim are MIA. Shyt, GA.man and Musing over there arguing about the discount GA.man’s trying to give e’rybody.

sliggin off 4” black pumps, trying not to show too much of the thighs. “that damned Justin! got me all upset, trying to get me to take my own dayum advise! I’ll show him, daymit! H3ll, I’ll show hubby too…”

Ling making eyes with man at the bar.. He hands her his bzness card. It reads ” Professional Psychologist”. Ling, shoves all the drinks off the bar, except for the double grey she is holding. Patrons, including GA.man and Musing scatter, as she lays down on the bar, no shoes, thigh highs showin, and commences with therapy session

By MusingLee

February 27, 2007 4:49 PM | Link to this

Kicking health inspector ForReal out on the street in a drunken state..MusingLee calls Morse Diggs to report on drunk county workers

Night All…LOLOL

By Justin

February 27, 2007 4:50 PM | Link to this

Linguist, Hehehe…LOL

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

February 27, 2007 4:51 PM | Link to this

Hands Musing the back of a phonebook Call this shyster I mean lawyer and tell him you are injuried *wink wink dont get up winkwink**

By Tater

February 27, 2007 4:52 PM | Link to this

Ga.Man What, no Martini’s?

MusingLee I just saw a commercial on tv.. Do you need a shady attorney?

By SlimOne

February 27, 2007 4:54 PM | Link to this

In walks AgentSlim and flashes her badge

Partner, I appreciate you starting the investigation. I had some business to finish up down the street. turns to owners I’m sure my partner here has told you that he and I are very thorough. Not only will we be checking the dark and white liquors, we will also need to test out it’s affects. I will need either of you to clear off a table while we get this mutha started. Opps, while we get the investigation underway.

Slim hands AgentReal the bottle of Remy and grabs the goose as she loosens up her blouses’ top button

By Mr. __it

February 27, 2007 8:45 PM | Link to this

As it was once told to me, since being married for nearly 20 years, why divorce? If you’re unhappy, just go ahead and have an affair. At least in this case you get to keep all of your assets and the spouse gets mad for a moment, but then you start all over and do it again. Now, I know that’s not morally ok, but it sure does beat the other bull crap to try to lawyer yourself out it.

By Justin

February 28, 2007 9:24 AM | Link to this

One main reason some women have a problem with dating is they try to keep/put a man in check instead of just expressing love and communicating. One mistake by women, I have experienced it as many other Black men including many friends, is to have a woman call the police on you on during an ordinary argument in order to put you in check to show you who’s boss. That is the worst thing you can do to a man who has never been abusive but has worked his whole life to be an outstanding Black man. This happens a lot because the woman is in a power struggle about who has the upper hand in the relationship. As I stated before, there are so many unhappy marriages in upper income homes in the Cascade and Camp Creek area. Many of the men have called the woman’s bluff and got a divorce. The women may have the house but they are bitter because they listened to their single girlfriends and divorced girlfriends who wanted them in the same boat as themselves. Then, the woman gets angry at the man for not wanting to come back even after the woman apologized for pulling that crap.

By Warning

February 28, 2007 9:47 AM | Link to this

If anyone here was as stupid as I was & went to Statewide Financeil title pawn in Conyers or Stockbridge(only to keep from running our credit report due to a mortgage refinance)GO PAY OFF YOUR CAR. This place is in bancruptcy & are grabbing every car they have title to even though it’s paid up!! I have contacted all the business bureaus & have a lawsuit in place but I wanted to warn everyone else. Oh yeah, if you know the fat yankee (Mark), email me & tell me where he lives please.

By bearcrazyman

February 28, 2007 11:08 AM | Link to this

Enviga Please!

By Shayla

February 28, 2007 11:34 AM | Link to this

I’m a divorcee of 2 yrs. and it’s immediately assumed that I’m desperate for romance and oh, how they can make me so much happier than the other guy. I still believe marriages are wonderful when both parties are willing to sacrifice for each other. What I notice that’s post-marriage is that I have no tolerance for any signs of stupidity or irresponsibility. I also seem to mentally categorize men during conversations…no backbone…whiner….liar…and good things too…reliable…caring, etc. However,I’m not dating & I’d like to think it’s not because I’m turned off by my marriage experience, but I would run from anyone that exhibited any characteristics of my ex.

By SexyLeggs

February 28, 2007 12:59 PM | Link to this

Good afternoon all Can’t read all comments just yet, but I’ve been divorced 5 months, and I’m not carrying any baggage. I think this is because I was divorced in my heart years before finalization. I am at peace with no second thoughts. A slight shift financially but all’s good. If you want to wallow in the muck of a nasty divorce you can OR you shake the dust off and move along. It all depends on one’s heart strings on how to bounce back and how soon.

By DW

February 28, 2007 1:41 PM | Link to this

A lot of divorced people make these negative comments because they’re really not completely healed or, whole from their divorce. I went through a divorce and, though it was the most painful thing that I have been through, I still had a positive outlook on men. I was still looking forward to giving marriage a second try, knowing that all people are not alike. I am of the opinion that people who go through a divorce should given themselves time to completely heal before entering into the dating scene again. It could very well change their outlook to a positive one. Since my divorce I have remarried and very happy.

By reality check

February 28, 2007 1:50 PM | Link to this

Of course divorced people say unusual things. Their world has been torn apart, and there has been betrayal, disillusionment, and a major loss.

Divorce is rarely a mutual decision, and the one who decides to end it usually has done their grieving before the marriage ends. I am not surprised you have moved on Sexyleggs.

As a divorce counselor I can say with certainty the one who is left also has to grieve for an extended period of time and that period starts when the divorce is final. A period of two years is on the short side. Three to five years is more the norm.

Well meaning people who tell them to “just move on” are misguided even if they are well intentioned. The ones who are left can’t, and it isn’t because they aren’t strong or intelligent people. They are suffering a loss of something they have usually done everything they can to hold onto. The heart heals at its own pace. Respect that and give it time.

By Deeva4Life

February 28, 2007 2:18 PM | Link to this

Wow…so many comments. I too am divorced…I’ve been divorced for 5 years. I’m 30 and at the time of my divorce I was really ashamed to disclose the fact that I’d been married. I didn’t think it “looked good” to be 25 & divorced. Nonetheless, these last 5 years have been some interesting, if not trying, years.

It was two years after my divorce before I decided to jump back into the dating scene. My experience hasn’t landed me in a committed relationship, however with each situation I’ve learned more about what it is I don’t want in my mate. I am not bitter over my divorce…I look forward to being a wife again some day. Truth of the matter is when I got married (at 23) I had no clue what being a wife or marriage was all about. I felt “settled” and we were living together…so it seemed like the right thing to do. But in hind sight, we were too young and unfortunately I was dealing with a man who wasn’t ready to committ to being a husband just yet. (If there are any younger people reading this please take heed to this, when your parents or grandparents tell you that you’re too young to be considering marriage, they aren’t saying that because they are against you getting married, they are saying it because they understand what marriage is about…it is WORK!! Look beyond the wedding…think about the marriage.)

To rewind and go back to my dating experiences in Atlanta…it’s quite depressing. You’ve got the men who are afraid of committment (probably because of a bad relationship), men who just aren’t honest (lying for no other reason than to lie), men who are disrespectful to women, men who say they want a “good woman” but really meaning they want a dummy who’ll give up the goods with no committment and married men (who know they have no intentions of leaving home yet still trying to get at you). I dare not say there are no good men in Atlanta…I believe there are. Unfortunately, the one for me hasn’t found me yet. I do believe in time our paths will cross and he will appreciate all the great things I have to offer and vice versa.

One last thing, to Justin, I’m sure when you typed your comment you were speaking from your own personal (or friends of yours) experience, but know that all women are not after some power struggle. I have no problem letting a man be a man…as a matter of fact I prefer it that way. I’m not opposed to submitting to a strong, reliable and dependable man, however you have to know where you’re going before you can lead me. Know that, and I’ll gladly follow as will most women. But drama, mess, lies, disrepect and total disregard to me as a woman and your mate I will not tolerate. When my husband and I divorced I didn’t take one thing…except my personal belongings. No furniture, no dishes, no pictures, no nothing. Now most women shake their heads and say that was foolish of me to do (even the female judge who handled our divorce case told me that) but in my mind all of those things could be replaced. Yeah, financially I struggled to start over from scratch, but peace of mind is invaluable.

I’ve learned a lot through my being married, divorced and now single again and I can only hope that because of the wisdom I’ve gained that I’m preparing myself for the Right One.

By Justin

February 28, 2007 2:22 PM | Link to this

Reality Check and for any others who may have an idea,

Many people in this discussion think I haven’t moved on. I have moved on but my ex hasn’t and she took practically everything thanks to family court. She can’t stand the fact that after the divorce, I am actually happier without her. She tries every way she can to try to make my life miserable, usually using the children. How can I help her move on so that I can finally have some peace? I have suggested that she go for counseling but she thinks nothing is wrong with her. She thinks the solution to her problems would be for us to remarry. We were incompatible and I tell my children that the reason that my ex and I got together was so that they could be here. They are the “only” thing good that came out of the marriage.

Would any of the guys date my ex? I pray she finds a man, is happy and thus, leaves me alone. However, I warn you. She is very controlling and should probably hook up with a passive man.

By Justin

February 28, 2007 2:51 PM | Link to this

Deeva4Life, I hope you find that special someone. It seems most of the women I come across are just like my ex. They want you to make up for what every man in the past has done to them and they start a power struggle.

By Deeva4Life

February 28, 2007 3:11 PM | Link to this

Thanks Justin…and I too wish you much happiness and peace in your situation as well. It does seem like there’s something deeper going on with you ex, but in those cases they have to see it for themselves. I don’t know if you believe in the power of prayer, but pray for her…that may be the best thing in this situation. After all, she is the mother of your children therefore her emotional stability is key in her role of rearing them. Keep being the great father that it sounds like you are and in time all the rest will work itself out.

By Justin

February 28, 2007 3:16 PM | Link to this

Jake, QueDogTeaching, Randy…someone, please meet my ex and make her happy, thus making me happy!

By Justin

February 28, 2007 3:22 PM | Link to this

Deeva4Life, Thank you. I do pray for her happiness but her emotional games are getting harder and harder to deal with because she is affecting our children’s emotional health. She has so much, at least financially, but she is still mad because she doesn’t have me. She doesn’t want me to remarry. She has stated she will never remarry, her focus is the children. My focus is the children also, but I want to find a lifelong companion. I am one who prefers a monogamous relationship with someone I am compatible with and who wants the same. It is just that way with the men in my family. I guess that is why she thought I would tolerate anything from her and stay. She also is horrible to my family because she thinks they should’ve made me stay with her.

By dct

February 28, 2007 4:17 PM | Link to this

i’ve been divorced twice. 1st was a cheater and wife beater. 2nd almost had my house go into foreclouser, refused to pay any bills. i wouldn’t marry again unless GOD was standing next to him and saying this is the one. at this point i would prefer friends with benefits!!

By Awwwwwwww...Dayum

February 28, 2007 4:32 PM | Link to this

Awwwwwwww…Dayum, dct!!! Hell type of men did you choose???!!!

By Erin

March 1, 2007 10:10 AM | Link to this

I’ve been married. He was abusive and controlling on every level. I walked away with nothing because I just wanted my life back. I have since met the most amazing man I could have ever asked for. I don’t think I’d ever get married again because I don’t want to be that tied down to anyone ever again. The new man in my life single handedly restored my faith in men and he is everything I could have asked for.

I think it’s super hard to date a divorcee as there is SO much baggage that goes along with it. I never missed the ex husband but the damage he did to me emotinally is still something I struggle with everyday. I think if you are considering dating some who has been divorced, you have to keep in mind that those people are fragile and you have to handle them very carefully. I was lucky and found a guy who was able to do that for me.

I hear my ex husband has since gotten remarried. I sure hope he got some counseling so that he doesn’t do to his new wife what he did to me. I wish I knew who she was so I could have at least warned her.

On another note, the only difference between a marriage and a long term serious relationship is a ring and a piece of paper. Oh , and a long term relationship is a helluva lot easier to get out of. And free!

By bearcrazyman

March 1, 2007 10:32 AM | Link to this

Enviga PLEASE !

By SexyLeggs

March 1, 2007 11:14 AM | Link to this

Good morning everybody This may sound simple, but since my divorce I have music back in my life. I use to play my music all the time. I stopped somewhere during my 12-year marriage. But I turned on some Jerald Daemyon, Robin Thicke, Smoky Robinson last night. It sounded so good to be able to play my music at night (in my bedroom) without some yelling at me to turn it off. I so enjoyed that. Those simple niceties are so rewarding to me.

By GaNative

March 1, 2007 12:35 PM | Link to this

Another one for Tazzee, where is she. Read about the problems of Clark Atlanta University in todays AJC. Another HBC struggling.

CLARK ATLANTA UNIVERSITY

Students face off over college chief Tuition increase fuels debate as school struggles to serve a range of students

By ANDREA JONES The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Published on: 03/01/07

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