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February 2007
Pursuit of Happiness
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I have nothing against married (and coupled up) people. They are wonderful people, really. Some of my best friends are married and coupled up! But every so often, I have to deal with “smug married” people as Bridget Jones once called them.
I’m sure you have all met that couple before. They tend to look down on you because you aren’t in their marriage club. Or they always manage to needle you about your love life, constantly asking why you aren’t married yet. They can’t imagine that you could ever be truly happy as a single person. Have you ever had encounters with smug married couples? How did you handle it?
I used to think that I was just hypersensitive to the smug married remarks, but let’s face it, single people (especially my age) ARE sometimes criticized for being self-absorbed and selfish. Sometimes the perception of single people is that our priorities must be screwed up if marriage and kids aren’t part of our “life’s purpose”. Whatever. It took my entire 20s to realize that what others think about my marital status is completely irrelevant.
I used to always joke that I could be standing on a beach wearing depends and dentures by the time I jump the broom, but by golly I will be blissfully happy! How do I know that? Because I am blissfully happy NOW. No, not Pollyanna, she must be on meds kind of happy - but content with my reality. My reality is pretty fantastic and getting married should bring even more happiness, but I am not pursuing happiness THROUGH marriage.
Listen, I know that marriage can be a wonderful, beautiful experience two people can share. I certainly have it on my list of “cool things to do with a guy before I die” - um, among other things. However, thinking happiness will be achieved through marriage sounds strange and a bit of a sham to me. I just don’t buy it.
When it comes to singlehood and dating, isn’t it better to be happy alone first?
Have you dated someone that never really seemed happy with life? Did you try to bring a smile to their face or was it too much of a daunting task to even try?
In the long run, what do you think really makes us happy?
To you personally, happiness is _? What brings you joy?
Permalink | Comments (233) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Divorced & Single in the City
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You can file last week under one of the “best weeks ever” in my life. I flew to Chicago to attend a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show (Thanks Sis!). It was, to put it lightly, a very memorable trip that I won’t soon forget. After we landed in the Windy City, we hopped a cab to our hotel, and then met up with a few family friends for dinner at the Grand Lux Cafe. I’m not a New Orleans native, but they had the best beignets I have ever tasted!
One of the gentlemen at the table, the spitting image of Michael Jordan, was a 40-something divorced man who had quite a bit to say about dating. His outlook on marriage and women was quite uhh… different. He said, and I am paraphrasing here, he needs a “yes girl”. He wants to be able to just feed her, give her a few commands, and have no resistance whatsoever - kind of like a dog. I think he even used the term “dead dog” at one point - as in, next wife should have as much moxie as one dead dog. Wow, a dead dog?
I am sure he was speaking facetiously, but “Mike” probably has an ex-wife that was outspoken, perhaps argumentative at times. Now he seems to want the exact opposite of her. Maybe he thinks choosing a woman who is the polar opposite of his former wife would be best for him. Now that he has had a taste of the married life, he may have a very specific idea of the type of mate he needs to make it work - even if it’s canine! Is this common? Do divorced men want the exact opposite type of who they married before?
My sister has a friend who is dating someone that is the spitting image of his ex-wife. He was really hurt when his marriage ended, and perhaps he is attracted to a similar “model” so to speak. I wondered if he realized how much the new woman in his life resembled his ex-wife. It’s kind of like that 300 lb guerilla in the room that nobody wants to talk about, so everyone kind of plays along - hoping for the best. She could be his rebound girl look-a-like, or she could be what he really wants. Who are we to really say? As long as he is happy, right?
A few months ago, I met a 25 year-old divorcee who was still hurting over her two year marriage ending. While we were having a few cocktails, Andrea declared, “Marriage is the death of life!” Is it just me or do divorced people say the darndest things!? I figured her emotional baggage from the divorce was still too heavy for her, but I wondered how long she would feel that way about marriage. Believe it or not, she was active on the dating scene during that time, relishing in her freedom, yet still licking her fresh wounds.
How does divorce change your outlook on dating, relationships, and marriage?
Have you ever dated a divorcee? Do you think there are pros and cons of dating someone divorced? If so, what are they?
Are divorced singles more adept at navigating the dating scene than us never married single people?
Divorced single or never married single- is there really that much difference between the two?
Permalink | Comments (357) | Categories: Dating
It’s the little things
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A couple of guys I have dated admitted that they checked me out way before I even realized it. A few tell me they have noticed how I carry myself in public, the type of foods I eat, my exercise habits, the type of drinks I order, and even my movie and book selections. Even when a guy inquires about what is in my ipod, he is checking me out!
I tease my buddy Panama all the time about noticing the most random things about women. He will observe a particular quirky trait and deduct all sorts of things about her. He insisted that he knows the type of woman that would mesh well with him. He doesn’t think he could be with a girl that doesn’t smile easily, share his love of real hip-hop music, or would take issue with his many female friends. I told him he is dangerously close to becoming Seinfeld - ruling women out over ridiculously small things - but to him these little things matter a lot because it all relates to compatibility.
So ladies, men pay attention to more than we think they do. They may not have rigid checklists like some women are notorious for, but they definitely want someone that complements them too. They really notice a woman’s community involvement, interest in the world around her, and a lot of the times the nature of her work.
What can you really tell about a person from the little things?
I think men and women both are attracted to people who share common things but some single people consider some things the standard requirements to be met first before they dig deeper.
Guys do you think you would rule out a woman based on a few observations?
Ladies, what seemingly small things do you think could actually matter a lot later on?
What shouldn’t matter because it’s not important in terms of a long-term relationship?
How do we avoid sweating the small stuff in dating?
Is it really compatibility we seek or do we want a clone?
Permalink | Comments (268) | Categories: Dating
Sweeten your traffic jam
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Atlanta is known for being a commuters’ nightmare. Most of us spend hours and hours in traffic every day.
Well, why not turn that into a flirting opportunity? There’s a new Web site called Flirting in Traffic (www.flirtingintraffic.com) where you can try just that. Members sign up and make profiles like on a normal Internet dating site, but they’re also issued a bumper sticker with an ID number on it. That way, if someone sees you, likes you, and sees you have this sticker, they just jot down the number, log on to the site, and send you a message.
What will they think of next?
While the whole ID number sticker business seems a little contrived to me, it does seem like there’s a lot of wasted time here that we could be capitalizing on. So here is my challenge to you.
How can we use the time we spend stuck in traffic every day to improve our love lives? (Note: If you’re not a commuter, just play along in the spirit intended…your time spent on MARTA, your time spent in the shower, whatever. Downtime. You get the idea.)
Should we be using that time to repeat, a la Stuart Smalley, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people should want to date me?”
Thinking about special little surprises we can bring home for our partner?
Planning our next date, or our next outing to hunt for fresh meat?
Calling our significant others, just to chat? Hell, calling to reconnect with an ex? Calling a friend for some “just us” time separate from the relationship? Calling a friend to ask him or her to set us up with someone new?
What other things can we do to strengthen our dating lives in just a few moments a day?
Permalink | Comments (209) | Categories: Dating
Booze cruise through the evening
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Ah, alcohol. Beloved by many, hated by…almost all those people the next morning.
When I saw the popular-with-the-ladies Howard at the party last weekend, he was drunk enough to flirt a lot, be very erm hands-on and grab my arm and drag me off to a secluded corner for conversation. Sounds good. But the more we talked, the more clear it became to me that he was too drunk. I am certain I could have made out with him right there and then, but it felt sort of tawdry to me. I don’t know that anything good can start from some sloppy dance-floor making out when one of the people involved can barely formulate a sentence.
A few nights later, I went out with a good-friend-sometimes-romantic-interest-who-knows-what, and we again drank perhaps more than we ought to have, and ended up sharing a sweet little goodnight kiss…or three. Lovely, but confusing, given our perpetually undefined status.
Sometimes, alcohol can serve as a social lubricant — it can give you the “liquid courage” you need to approach someone you’ve been lusting after, or take that sexual tension to the next level, or be brave enough to overcome your shyness and be yourself. But sometimes it can make things complicated.
Have you ever made a completely terrible romantic judgment under the influence of alcohol?
Can alcohol make you feel feelings that aren’t there, or can it only intensify emotions that already exist?
Would you hesitate before kissing or otherwise becoming physical with someone who is drunk, or would you just use it as an opportunity to get things rolling? Where is the line between drunken making out and taking advantage of someone?
Has alcohol ever given you the courage to do something great in your romantic life that turned out well?
If you don’t drink, has it affected your dating life? How?
Permalink | Comments (177) | Categories: Dating
A hot commodity
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Take a moment, if you will, to stretch your mind back alllll the way to the week before last, when I was bemoaning the adorable shy boy who didn’t ask for my number, yet was impressed with my blond cuteness. Let us call him Howard, as in Howard Hawks, who directed “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” (If I don’t give myself a mnemonic, even I can’t keep all the boys straight!)
Well, I saw Howard again at a party. I was drunk. I was flirty. He was drunker, and flirtier.
However, that flirty magnetism he was exuding didn’t seem to just be affecting me. Women were flocking to him all night long. As we talked, we were repeatedly interrupted by girls sidling up to him. While I didn’t care — it’s not like I have any special right to him at this point — it made me think a little bit, along the lines of “Hmm, is this worth it? Because I really do not need to have a catfight over this guy tonight.”
If a guy or a girl is a hot commodity, is that a turn-on…or a turn-off? Do you figure, “Hey, if a lot of people want them, there must be something special there?” or do you think to yourself “Too much work to fight through the crowds, I’ll pass on that one”?
I posed that question to one of my male friends, as always, seeking the guy’s perspective, and he emphatically chose the “No thanks, it’s not worth it” response.
I asked another friend, and his answer was a little more complicated: “Hmm. That’s a really good question. And one that comes up a lot in my life. I can’t say that I always go one way or the other. Ultimately, it depends on how much I like the person. If I like someone enough, no manner of crowd will stop me from trying. (After all, you’re talking to the guy who has a bad habit of stealing girls from their boyfriends.) I can say, though, that there is a certain line of ‘ok, now there are too many people in line for that one.’”
So now I pose this question to you. Would you be more or less likely to pursue someone who always had crowds of admirers around him or her? Does it make you consider someone with fresh eyes if you see that they are popular with the opposite sex?
If you do choose to go after someone who’s a hot commodity, how do you make yourself stand out from the crowd?
If you are dating someone who is always being flirted with, does it make you feel proud, or insecure?
Permalink | Comments (136) | Categories: Dating
The ex factor
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
There’s this song that’s all over the radio — a version on pop and a version on country stations — oh-so-sweetly titled “Lips of an Angel”.
Lyrics of relevance to this discussion: Well, my girl’s in the next room / Sometimes I wish she was you / I guess we never really moved on … Girl, you make it hard to be faithful / With the lips of an angel
These lyrics are meant to be romantic. Apparently, some people find them so, as the song in all its versions is high on the charts. But I’ve never found anything too romantic in the sentiment “Hey, babe, you make me want to cheat on my girlfriend,” which is essentially what the song is saying.
One thing I did find interesting, though, is that the song is addressed to his ex.
There are reasons why cheating on your current significant other with an ex isn’t a terribly uncommon thing to have happen. It can be easy to fall back into old habits. Maybe the attraction hasn’t really gone away, or there are still feelings there.
The one time I considered cheating — which, for the record, I didn’t do — it was with an ex. And I suppose karma came back and got me for considering it, because that same guy cheated on me, with his ex (the only time I’ve ever been cheated on, to my knowledge).
Do you think cheating with an ex is more tempting than cheating with someone new? Have you ever cheated with an ex, or been cheated on by your partner going back to an ex?
Would you be more or less willing to forgive someone who cheats on you with an ex?
Permalink | Comments (186) | Categories: Relationships
When your door shouldn’t be open
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A cautionary tale for all of y’all today…
My friend Veronica had a horror story to share earlier this week. Seems one of her roommates brought home a guy from a party. The next morning, he disappeared — with his paramour’s keys, her computer, another roommate’s computer, household financial records, and other critical items. The computers contained all sorts of personal information, not to mention irreplaceable photos and other digital files. And he wasn’t a total stranger, either: He knew her ex-boyfriend, or at least he claimed to.
I started to think about how many people I know who have picked up a guy or a girl at a bar or a party who they didn’t know and taken them home with them. It doesn’t seem that strange when you phrase it like that. But if you think about what’s really going on there — you are inviting a tentative acquaintance or even a total stranger into your home! In other contexts, it’s something most people wouldn’t ever do.
The same can hold true with someone you meet online and then invite over after a first date. Although you may feel like you know someone you’ve been corresponding with virtually, the fact is, you don’t really.
So ‘fess up: Have you ever brought someone home with you that you didn’t know well? If so, did you give any thought to safety considerations? Why do you think that so many of us fail to realize that bringing a hottie home from a bar is, well, perhaps not the brightest idea?
Have you ever known anyone who had a bad experience from inviting a date or hookup who they didn’t know well to come inside?
What safety measures do you take when you meet a new person, either in person or online?
Permalink | Comments (105) | Categories: Dating
Most fun you can have fully clothed
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
What happens when you discover that you and your date have been spending way too much time together - naked? Well, sometimes you may wonder if that’s the best the person has to offer. You can’t really know for sure because when you are a new, hot and heavy couple, you can’t keep your hands off one another. This isn’t really a bad thing, per se..ok actually it’s a fantastic thing - and very hot. It even burns calories! However, it won’t sustain a long-term relationship and that is what some of us really want. Great partners that will go the distance - in more ways than one.
Once you have broken a few headboards, ticked off a few neighbors, and depleted your edible oil collection, the novelty wears off. You really need to know that you can have fun with your new guy or girl while they are fully clothed. It’s important in the long run, trust me. What can be worse than looking up six months later and realizing that you can’t stand the sight of your former object of desire? If you can’t find anything to talk about together, fun activities to participate in, or hearty laughs with each other, you can almost guarantee a break up is in your future.
So what is the most fun two people who really have the hots for each other can do fully clothed?
With the temperature dropping so low at night, how can a new couple find fun things to do?
Atlanta is a great city to be single and free to mix and mingle, and it can also be ideal for coupling up and exploring new things together.
What are some authentically Atlanta spots that are fun to check out?
What is the most fun you had with someone with no physical contact?
Wouldn’t you enjoy a little mental stimulation just as much?
Permalink | Comments (135) | Categories: Dating
Misguided Daters Beware!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You know what would really be delightful? If we could gather all the misguided single people on the Atlanta dating scene in one place, maybe Turner Field or Philips Arena. Once they are nicely settled in their seats, we could set them all straight. Then we could thump the ones who make it hard on the rest of us. Yea, I said it! Are you fed up with paying for the sins of all those old boyfriends and girlfriends of your romantic interests? Well, I know I am. So to all you bad daters out there, consider this your warning shot!
Ladies, think about what a great dating community service it would be! You can politely tap that self-absorbed diva on the shoulder and say “Hey! Cut that out, I have to date this guy in six months and I don’t want to hear him carry on about how you used him for his money. How many gold digger tests must I endure because of you?”
Guys, you could certainly tell those cads to stop cheating on their women Explain to them how they complicate things for you. Spell it out for them: “I just can’t handle dating one more CSI-watching female, with her own personal blacklight and night vision goggles. Enough is enough, man!”
If you could send a message to the bad daters in Atlanta, what would you say? How have they messed things up for you?
Honestly, I don’t know who is more annoying, the people who commit these romantic crimes or their so called victims of love. Shouldn’t there be some personal responsibility somewhere?
I’m talking to you now, Mr. Nice Guys Finish Last. Ok, I have to say, this guy is becoming more annoying by the minute! He thinks that since he strikes out with the shallow girls, it’s because he is too nice. It probably has more to do with the type of woman he wants or his lack of confidence. A guy’s passive aggressive behavior is like a GPS tracking device for women who seek men out to control or manipulate. Clearly, some guys have a very broad definition of what a nice guy is. Newsflash: just because you aren’t a misogynist brute, sporting a wife beater does NOT mean you are a nice guy. It means you are a healthy, normal man. Congratulations, where should I send your Man Medal?
When nice guys ask out normal women, they are well-received. Appreciated even! Do they bed every hot girl they meet like so-called bad boys and players supposedly do? Probably not - but if that is your goal, then guess what, that does NOT make you the nice guy either! It just makes you a guy that wants to get laid by every hot girl you meet. I know and have met plenty of genuinely nice guys (and dated them), and they don’t go around claiming the nice guy title to anyone who will listen. They simply have backbones, treat people with respect, and best of all they have great hearts. That not only makes them nice, that makes them hot. Do you get it now?
What is your definition of a good guy? Is there a fine line between a genuinely good guy and a wuss?
What type of man or woman do you really respect?
Are you a reformed misguided dater? What made you straighten up and fly (date) right?
Permalink | Comments (167) | Categories: Dating
Seeing Red
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I am down to bottled water and ketchup in my fridge. I have avoided the stores as long as I could. Seeing red everywhere I look since mid-January has relegated me to shopping at Quik-Trip and automotive stores, and now even these places aren’t safe!
There are plenty of reasons that I have avoided seeing red, but not having a Valentine is actually not one of them. Seeing all that red stuff reminds me of the commercial rituals that the day brings, simply because society and people around you expect it. It sort of cheapens love and romance - reducing it to a silly, competitive symbol of opulence.
It seems like Valentine’s Day is the hardest on single people because we are totally left out of another holiday that isn’t exactly single people friendly. Then again, for a day that is supposed to invoke romance and love, February 14th seems like one of the most dreaded holidays on the calendar. Seriously, ask around!
It’s not just cynical single people that would gladly skip all the hoopla, either. Guys feel pressure to deliver (yea, that pun was intended) a brag-worthy day full of surprises for their significant other - married or not. Women who are in relationships have expectations of some great gesture to feel special and appreciated. Of course, whatever he does will surely not measure up, because she isn’t dating, you know Fabio, or somebody equally fictitious. It’s a vicious Valentine’s Day cycle, I tell you!
All bitterness aside, what does the day actually symbolize past grade school?
Do you despise Valentine’s Day? Is it a bad idea? Why does it make so many people feel so awful?
Do we really need a scheduled day devoted to couples and romance?
I’m not ashamed to say that I am dateless today. No chocolates. No love letter or poems. No sweetie. What’s a single diva to do with no romantic Valentine’s date ? Well, I could definitely use an excuse to celebrate my single self, so why not create a new meaning for the holiday and be happy about what I do have!
First thing on my Valentine’s to do list is to go donate blood. It’s the only red that will actually make me feel good today. I could brag that I may have saved a life! Then, I will get a deluxe pedicure (Ok, my toes will be a sexy red color, too) and finally redeem that gift certificate for spa treatment I got for Boss’s Day last year. Finally, to top it all off, I will have a wonderful dinner with girlfriends that I love. We will sip on fun cocktails with names like, “What Boyfriend?” or “Cupid Killer” (sorry lil fella), or even “The Horny Toad”. (No, I don’t need a 12-step program, I’m just single!). Then we will split some insanely decadent dessert and laugh till our sides hurt. Honestly, it doesn’t get much better than that!
What are your plans for today? Do you have any Valentine’s Day dilemmas you need advice on? Maybe our wonderful readers could help!
What’s your best or worst Valentine’s experience?
Whether you are single or engaged, married or living with someone, or even if you just have someone trying to get in your pants on a regular basis (don’t even think about complaining about this), I hope your day is filled with lots of joy and happiness!
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!
Permalink | Comments (273) | Categories: Holidays
Invisible Cue Cards
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Single ladies sometimes face dilemmas in dating that are tough to navigate. It’s like we get it in our heads that men don’t always “read” us correctly - so we spend a ridiculous amount of energy, time, and effort on sending the right message. Do guys realize we do this when we are in the throes of neuroses? Probably not. Some men are blessed with that certain oblivious gene that exempts them from analyzing anything about the opposite sex.
What type of messages do women want to get across? Well, I will give a few messages that I personally wanted to send to guys at one time. For me, the message was garbled and buried in weird, flaky behavior (read: typical girly fashion).
Cue card #1: I want to be around you as much as possible I like the guys I date to know that I love hanging out with them. The trick: Trying not to appear like the needy girl demanding all his free time.
Cue card #2 I want to rip your clothes off, right now!. I think guys dig it when we find them attractive and recognize our crazy chemistry. The trick: Don’t want to be a floozy who has no self-control which commonly spirals into the anti-slut defense.
Cue card #3 What am I to you? . When I reach the point where I want to focus my energy on that one special guy, I think he is on the same page. We just like to know where his loyalties (and head) lies - when we aren’t together. The trick: Not forcing The Talk option too soon.
Ladies, do you have a hard time sending guys the right message? What dilemmas do you face in dating when it comes to expressing yourself to men? How do you handle it?
If you have managed to be neuroses free in dating, how did you reach that point? Did you adopt male behaviors and attitudes (the good ones!) about dating?
Guys, did you realize how women worry themselves about how they are perceived by you?
How would you want single women to handle the uncertainties in dating you? Shut up and enjoy the mystery or ask the questions we need for reassurance?
Are there messages that you have a hard time sending ladies?
Wouldn’t all this energy be better focused on just finding someone who is as “available” as you are? As if it’s that easy , right?
Permalink | Comments (123) | Categories: Dating
Marriage benefits women more?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My mother advised me once that if a guy ever told me that women benefit from marriage more than men do, run for the hills. She said that any man that thinks a marriage will have equal benefits and rewards, really has no clue what marriage is about.
I have met plenty of guys that thought women received more from marriage than men. Some were compatible to me, some weren’t even remotely a good match. It seems as if most guys who had this perception were raised in a two-parent home. The guys who were raised by their mothers had different ideas about a woman’s role in marriage. Ladies, have you noticed this in the guys you have dated too?
Many single men feel that they have more to lose if a marriage ends. Is this because they gain so much when they are married?
Who benefits more from marriage—men or women?
Is it possible for both partners to benefit equally in a marriage?
Should single people consider marriage in terms of it’s benefits?
Permalink | Comments (219) | Categories: Marriage
She blinded me with science
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Wassup, everybody? My name is…well, I can’t tell you that except to say that I work with Laney at the AJC and I haven’t figured out what my official, super-duper-secret online identity is going to be yet. For now, just call me “Dr. L.”
Why the hokey medical title? I think it’s only fitting because I’m working on a theory and doubt anyone would take me very seriously if my alias included the letters “G.E.D.” Anyway, I’m thankful that Laney has graciously given me the chance to take over her blog for a day so my ideas can be properly peer-reviewed by her fellow Misadventurers.
My theory is simple enough, to wit: We’d all have a better chance of being successful at love if we stopped acting as if it’s some indecipherable mystery of the heart. Instead, we should start treating love like it was a science. Science!
That’s right, all the anxiety, anticipation, exhilaration, heartbreak and other emotional experiences we normally associate with romantic relationships are mostly the result of the subtle interplay between biology, chemistry and anatomy.
For example, if you think you’re eyeing some hottie across the bar merely because he has a killer smile and dimples to die for, guess again. The more rational explanation is that you’re reacting to the innate desire to seek out facial symmetry which has been hard-wired in our genetic code.
And what is it, exactly, that drives you crazy every time that Coke-bottle shaped co-worker strolls past your desk on the way to the copying machine? The easy explanation is that you’re just a typical “man whore.” But the geeks down in the science lab also know that you’re inexorably drawn to a specific waist-to-hip ratio that signals a woman’s, um, fecundity. (You can look it up.)
OK, OK. I admit the stuff I’m talking about here isn’t the result of me spending hours poring over test tubes, Bunsen burners and petri dishes filled with icky microbes. But while this information has been around for decades, I’m still amazed that most of us continue to blindly “follow our hearts” into relationships that are often doomed from the start without ever understanding the role that science plays in our subconscious decisions.
On Sunday, at 1:30 p.m. I’ll be participating in a Sunday Brunch on love, romance and marriage hosted by WAOK-AM radio show host Shelley Wynter where I’ll be discussing this issue in further detail.(For more information, visit www.sundaybrunchexchange.com.)
Please drop by if you can. In the meantime, I’m wondering if you believe, like I do, that science is the key to successful relationships? Is it God? Or maybe, since it’s almost Valentine’s Day, are you convinced it’s all up to some half-naked weirdo with a bow and arrow?
Permalink | Comments (119) | Categories: Dating
The geometry of love
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I imagine that many of you have been glued to CNN or, better, AJC.com in the past few days reading the sordid updates on the astronaut scandal. The story’s got it all: The kind of crazy behavior that spurs late-night talk show jokes, bad behavior by an ASTRONAUT for the novelty factor, kidnapping, plotting…and, most of all, a love triangle.
Love triangles — when one person is torn between two lovers, or even better, when two people are fighting over a third — are the backbone of movies and television drama. There’s Meredith torn between McDreamy and McVet on “Grey’s Anatomy.” Lorelai ricocheting between Luke and Chris for years on “Gilmore Girls” (and just cuz she’s married to Chris doesn’t mean that one’s over yet, mark my words). Seth-Summer-Anna on the first season of “The O.C.”, back when it was still good, and then Seth-Summer-Zach, on the second season, when it was less good. Jack-Kate-Sawyer on “Lost.” You get the idea.
These scandals obviously capture media attention when they happen in real life, too: Witness Scott Peterson-Laci Peterson-Amber Frey, Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston-Angelina Jolie, etc.
Unfortunately, these situations almost always seem to end badly, in heartbreak or even violence.
But I’m wondering how common these situations really are in everyday life.
Have you ever been part of a “love triangle” — torn between two lovers, or waiting for your lover to make a choice between you and someone else? How did it get resolved?
Would you fight for a girlfriend or boyfriend if he/she was trying to choose between you and someone else?
What do you think is the appeal of a love triangle story, on film or in real life, that keeps people so captivated?
Permalink | Comments (166) | Categories: Current Events
Lessons from a romance consultant
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I think it must be every guy’s fantasy: 25 or so cute twentysomething girls, in their pajamas, sipping mimosas and playing with sex toys.
In this case, though, it was a pre-Valentine’s Day party hosted by a friend of mine, to which many of my close girlfriends were invited. We modern girls don’t do Tupperware parties — instead, we get a “romance consultant” to visit and offer us the chance to purchase lubricants, “heighteners,” pheromone-based perfumes, edible undies, and … erm…. adult toys.
There were vaguely phallic-shaped doughnuts. There was impromptu karaoke with … um, well, use your imagination about the microphones. ;) There was a lot of giggling. Especially when the hostess’ roommate’s boyfriend — who we didn’t know was in the apartment — emerged from an adjacent bedroom and asked loudly, “So, um, who was it that said they like to do it in the rain?”
But overall, I was so impressed by the maturity and frankness with which all my gal pals and I could discuss sex and our sexual preferences. None of us were shy about sharing what we were buying, or providing consumer reports on the products we already owned, or asking for recommendations on what to purchase and how to best use it.
I wonder if we’d feel so comfortable talking about these things with our partners!
Have you ever felt the need to spice up your sex life by introducing new ideas? How did your partner react? How comfortable do you feel asking your partner if you can bring a sex toy or other product into the bedroom?
How would you rate your sexual communication abilities? Are you able to talk to your friends more or less freely than your partner about your sexual needs and desires?
One of my friends commented to me: “Whenever I start a new relationship, I can’t wait til it’s OK to break this stuff out!”
Do you ever hesitate to introduce new things into your sex life? When in a relationship do you feel comfortable doing so?
Permalink | Comments (169) | Categories: Relationships
Saying all the right things
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
So the guy I mentioned yesterday, from the party, the one who didn’t ask for my number?
Well, when we were talking at said party, he gave me one of the cutest compliments I’ve had in a while. He is an engineer/computer guy (ah, the classic Atlantan!) and after talking to him for a while, I commented as sweetly as I could muster that he was pretty good at talking to girls for a computer geek. He said to me, “Actually, I’m kind of insanely intimidated and thinking ‘Oh my god, I’m talking to a pretty blonde!’ right now. I just cover it up well.”
Awww!
Maybe it wasn’t the smoothest compliment in the world, but for me, it totally worked. Sometimes, guys just say little things that totally get them points. Perhaps my favorite example: When I was on vacation a couple years back and met a cute guy, he and I were talking about the gym and workouts (yeah, I know, scintillating, but what can you do? sometimes the cute ones aren’t the brainy ones) and he was telling me about a girl who he was spotting for. “She was really skinny and little, like you.” Ahhh, the way to any girl’s heart - casually slip into conversation how thin she is. Even if I know it’s a line, I still like it.
What are some of the cutest and most memorable things you’ve ever been told — be it pickup lines, compliments, or something bigger and really sincere?
What compliments and lines have really worked for you when you have said them to someone else?
Do you care if a compliment is sincere or “just a line” as long as it makes you feel good, when you’re flirting? Do you ever give insincere compliments? Can you tell when someone means what they’re saying?
Permalink | Comments (203) | Categories: Dating
Too shy, shy, hush hush, eye to eye
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
(You know I love my 80s music!)
So last week, I was at a party. Spent much of my time in a nice conversation with a nice boy. He was intellectual, sweet and easy to talk to - not to mention easy on the eyes. We had a decent amount in common - all the signs were pretty good. But he failed to ask for my number when he left.
Hey - what gives?
Well, there’s the obvious host of reasons - he has a girlfriend. He’s gay. Or, maybe, he’s just not that into me. But one of my friends floated an intriguing alternate explanation: “Maybe he’s just shy!”
Well - it’s certainly a possibility, as good as any other. Guys are definitely shy sometimes. My first ever serious boyfriend was about as reserved as they come. I loved it, actually - I thought it was really cute that he was able to talk and be comfortable with me but was shy in public - made me feel special. But it did take us forever to get together as a result! In a world where - especially in the South - men are expected to take on much of the burden of showing interest, arranging dates, asking for a gal’s number, etc, it can be disastrous to be shy, I imagine.
Guys, do you ever feel the pressure from being the one expected to make the first move?
Would you describe yourself as shy? If so, do you think it hinders your dating life? Have you ever given a woman the wrong impression because of your shyness?
Ladies, what do you think of shy guys?
Have you ever thought a guy had no interest in you, but found out later he was just shy?
Permalink | Comments (100) | Categories: Dating
Touchy Subjects
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Some women love to talk, (and talk, and talk some more) about everything that is going on, while most men are quite happy to embrace the silence is golden motto. Ideally, when you are in a relationship you want to be able to communicate openly and honestly, right?
What happens when you discover that your partner considers something too taboo to discuss? Maybe they clam up about something from their past or perhaps it’s family related. They could even be uneasy with bedroom talk, especially outside the bedroom.
A friend of mine is dating a guy who really really dislikes gratuitous talk about sex. When she insists on bringing it up, he gets slightly agitated and sort of shuts down. He just says that he doesn’t like talk about that - ever. She knows that when he acts all twitchy and uncomfortable, she is wasting her breath. How can she give feedback if he won’t discuss it? How can she let him know what she wants without hurting his ego or appearing too bossy?
How do you approach the sensitive topics with your date or significant other?
Are there times when it is better not to discuss certain topics?
Do you think that couples should be able to tell each other anything?
If there are touchy subjects that they don’t want to share, do you think that is a reflection on your relationship?
Is there anything you would feel uncomfortable discussing with someone you are dating or involved with?
Permalink | Comments (181) | Categories: Relationships
You’re Gonna Love Me!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I can’t stop listening to my Dreamgirls soundtrack. Jennifer Hudson belts out And I Am Telling You with so much emotion, you can almost feel her pain. “You’re gonna love me!”, she demands. Sure it sounds great in a song, and it may even tug on my heart strings in a sappy movie, but you can’t really make someone love you, can you?
Well, maybe you can - sort of. We all have assets (yes even yummy ones!) and great personalities that can certainly send a romantic interest plunging into the abyss of love. In that particular sense, I suppose we are “making” them love us.
I have heard men mention everything from how she smiled or laughed, to how they felt so safe with her. A friend of mine recently proposed to his girlfriend. He said that the moment he saw her wearing his shirt, he was a goner!
Do you think we make people fall in love with us? How so?
Ladies, I know we are emotional creatures, but personally, I don’t fall in love that easily (well, not anymore). What makes you fall in love?
Guys, you have been so wonderful this week with your honest opinions. Can you confess what makes you fall in love? Do you recall a moment, a revelation, or maybe something she said or did?
What happens when you aren’t exactly expecting or even looking to fall in love? How do you handle it?
Do you wait for a while until you are sure before you acknowledge it?
If love is such a rollercoaster, why don’t we enjoy the ride more? At least while it lasts!
Permalink | Comments (184) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
