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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2007 > March > 19 > Entry
The magic ingredient?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Good morning, blog! Thanks to all of you and to Laney for letting me step in this week! I consider myself honored to hang out with you for a while. (And thanks for bearing with us during technical difficulties this morning!)
On Friday, Laney asked, in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, if any of us were “lucky” in love. I’d have to say my parents, who were married on that day 34 years ago, are indeed very lucky. But when you ask them about their healthy marriage, it’s not luck they attribute.
“It’s all about sacrifice,” my mother will tell you, and then detail the ways in which both she and my father have given up small things for each other.
For example, my mother drives with my father to Tuscaloosa, Ala. every football weekend in the fall, even though she cares nothing for football. And my father relinquishes much of the control when my mother dreams up extravagant designs for redecorating our house. Neither of them is a doormat, but they do seem to sacrifice the small stuff in order to be happy together.
My question is this: Can you boil down a successful marriage (or a long-term, committed relationship, for those of us not looking for marriage) to one basic principle? Sacrifice? Honesty? Integrity? Communication?
Is there one major trait, practice, or characteristic upon which successful relationships are built? Or is it really a hundred different elements that must combine equally for marriage to work?
Is this particular characteristic or practice obvious when you’re first dating someone, or is it something that you have to dig down deeper to discover?
Comments
By MusingLee
March 19, 2007 10:08 AM | Link to this
Musing runs across the street with the stolen Tequila when he is hit by the Monday morning blog bus………stolen Friday’s Tequila rolls into the storm drain
By GA.man
March 19, 2007 10:15 AM | Link to this
Ohhh yeahh Musing and i saw the party you ladies had on friday…here is the bill
Liquor 437.75 Peanuts 40.00 Damage 250.00 (stripper pole) Door 215.00
Now which one of you ladies are gonna pay or do we have to do something else…..Mauh ahah ahah ahah ah
By Lady Dark w/Dimples
March 19, 2007 10:15 AM | Link to this
Welcome Bella and Good Morning Everyone!
Can you boil down a successful marriage (or a long-term, committed relationship, for those of us not looking for marriage) to one basic principle? Sacrifice? Honesty? Integrity? Communication?
Nope, I think it’s a combination of respect, communication, and sacrifice. If I respect you then I won’t lie to you or betray you. If I communicate with you then I’ll let you know what I need from this relationship and I will inquire about your needs. If I’m willing to sacrifice…then I just may be willing to meet your needs.
I believe that those qualities/or lack thereof is present from the beginning. The tricky part is having enough patience to see how deep those qualities are ingrained in someone.
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 10:17 AM | Link to this
The Magic Ingredient is C.A.R.E.
Communication
Acceptance
Resilience
Equality
If you got C.A.R.E. then everything else has a chance to work itself out.
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 10:20 AM | Link to this
Welcome Bella.
By abc
March 19, 2007 10:26 AM | Link to this
Doing things that you’re not interested in so as to please your partner is usually a pretty trivial thing, not so much of a sacrifice. I’ve heard plenty about how folks think it’s a big deal, but it doesn’t seem like such a big deal to me.
Of course you can’t tell if a person is very much that way on mere dates. Dating is, in itself, a pretty trivial activity. I do like taking my baby out though.
By MusingLee
March 19, 2007 10:26 AM | Link to this
It takes a couple of things to make a successful relationship work…The first thing that comes to mind is Respect. Respecting your SO’s ideas, values, and even personal belongings is a big part of a great relationship. The other thing would be selflessness. Don’t be a doormat for your SO to walk over, but don’t always put yourself first in making important decisions. “How will this affect my SO” is a good question to ask yourself when a sticky situation comes up.
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this
Hello Bella
I have to say that there are three elements minimum that must be there for a ‘successful relationship’…communications, being faithful, and the willingness to compromise. Anything less might allow a relationship to survive but not really thrive. A couple has to always have open communications or sooner or later ‘unresolved’ resentment or anger will build a wall between the two. If you are not communicating then neither will really know what things are happening that are really bothering the other. Unfaithfulness is to me a total “no no” and a guaranteed deal killer, I don’t screw around and I won’t tolerate my partner screwing around either, and to me this includes flirting, or even intimacy or confiding on a serious personal level with another member of the opposite sex. Affairs aren’t really usually about sex, if the two really care about each other, they are about emotional intimacy, i.e., respect, genuine concern, feelings getting hurt, etc. Finally compromise is absolutely necessary. There are three sides to every argument, hers, his, and the truth. If one party is not willing to bend some, then sooner or later that resentment wall builds up.
Any one of these can bring a relationship down. I have t-shirts from at least two of the three and possibly the third, so I know these are essential.
By kinderbabe
March 19, 2007 10:30 AM | Link to this
good morning all! hope you’re doing well.:)
By GA.man
March 19, 2007 10:33 AM | Link to this
I think listening is a big thing…if you listen more..and sometimes talk less..you can avoid alot of problems…i know from a guys point of view..the more we listen the better your day or night will be…cause trust me you will hear these words one day….Honey did hear what i said? and if you dont have the answer you better guess or get ready cause here it comes
By Sexione
March 19, 2007 10:38 AM | Link to this
Welcome Bella!!
“How will this affect my SO” I like that approach!! That question alone (with the correct response) could save a lot of heartache for all involved!
I agree with what has already been said….it’s a combo of things….communication, respect, sacrifice, acceptance, equality…..nice acronym Raqi!!
Musing Now how you gon’ let the licka roll into the storm drain? You know you’re supposed to hold that bottle tight no matter what happens!!!! lol
By abc
March 19, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this
I agree with the how will this affect my SO thing. Neither of my exes gave a hot damn about that.
By MusingLee
March 19, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this
Sexi LOLOLOL…I was occupied holding my spleen.
By MochaTreat
March 19, 2007 10:44 AM | Link to this
Good morning Bella, GAman, Musing, Raqi, Kinder, Slim, Lady D, Randy, abc, Foots, Justme, QC, MO, Demi, Sexione, NC, jake and crew
Can you boil down a successful marriage (or a long-term, committed relationship, for those of us not looking for marriage) to one basic principle? Sacrifice? Honesty? Integrity? Communication? No, I think it will take respect, honesty, communication, compromise, and sacrifice in order for a relatioship to be successful. This goes for all relationships not just marriages or long term relationships.
By GH
March 19, 2007 10:48 AM | Link to this
I have been married twice, once 14 years, now almost 10. I know for me it’s about letting stuff go. I have a had a real hard time with that but when my daddy died last year, I realized that life was just too short to stay angry and that I was hurting both me and my children. this last year has actually been one of the best in my life, despite the lost of my daddy.
By Mo
March 19, 2007 10:49 AM | Link to this
Morning All: Mocha, Sexione, Jake, Musing, Randyt, SlimOne, Raqi, GAMan, Kinderbabe, QC, JustMe, Foots, T-Mango, Linguist and the crew!!! Hope everyone had a great weekend
Randyt I agree with your post! Wow
Musing We got to teach you to look both ways when, especially when you are carrying liquor!! LOL
GAMan no need to get testy this monday morning, I think we made enough money to cover those expenses!
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 10:52 AM | Link to this
One Saturday the man and I were engaging in some lighthearted playful bickering and he made the statement “You better be glad I like you”. So I laughed and said “You don’t love me, you just like me, huh?” Then he said “Love has nothing to do with this. Love makes me come home every night but like makes me stay home and put up with your inane quirks and habits.”
Now that’s something to think about. You can love a person but you can not like them because of their ways and their habits.
And I agree that your S/O opinions or feelings should always be considered when making a decision.
By GH
March 19, 2007 10:52 AM | Link to this
I have been married twice, once 14 years, now almost 10. I know for me it’s about letting stuff go. I have a had a real hard time with that but when my daddy died last year, I realized that life was just too short to stay angry and that I was hurting both me and my children. this last year has actually been one of the best in my life, despite the lost of my daddy.
By GH
March 19, 2007 10:53 AM | Link to this
I have been married twice, once 14 years, now almost 10. I know for me it’s about letting stuff go. I have a had a real hard time with that but when my daddy died last year, I realized that life was just too short to stay angry and that I was hurting both me and my children. this last year has actually been one of the best in my life, despite the lost of my daddy.
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 10:53 AM | Link to this
abc
I agree with the how will this affect my SO thing. Neither of my exes gave a hot damn about that.
That was my ex too. I was ALWAYS sixth or seventh down the list of who or what was important. I never won a single conflict no matter how big or small with my ex inlaws in all of those years. When they said “jump”, she said “how high”, and my feelings NEVER mattered. Totally disrespected, I could never win. Ultimately that caused my second relationship to come to an end also, she put someone else’s needs ahead of mine in one big issue and I told her to never darken my doorstep again.
A word to the ladies if I might… never talk like you will “make it up to him” down the road (when you place something or someone ahead of him), unless you really mean it and absolutely plan to follow through.
Men keep score…or at least one for sure.
By Sitting Pretty
March 19, 2007 10:56 AM | Link to this
Raqi, that love vs. like thing is something powerful to think about. My grandmother always says “I love you and I like you too!” As I grew up, I understood what she meant. Some people, you may always have love in your heart for, but you may not like the person they’ve become. Something to think about….
By MusingLee
March 19, 2007 10:56 AM | Link to this
Raqi That’s a great point. I think you have to have both for a great relationship…Love vs. Like.
By Nate
March 19, 2007 10:57 AM | Link to this
For me…my granny used to say…whatever you did to get someone is what it will take to keep them..so just be yourself and try not to be someone/something you’re not…so in other words…for men…don’t be that romantic dreambo listener type guy before you get married and then lose it once you get married..my granny told me that women need someone who’ll listen to them even when they really don’t have anything to say worth listening to..and my crazy aunt told her daughter before she got married not to sex him crazy before you get married and then stop once you say “i do”..and also..that when you become a mother don’t lose the lover that’s within you…because to this day….I have too many of my buddies that cheat on their wives because they say they lost they’re lover when their wives became a mother…but for me and my wife…I think what keeps us together is our love for God..we pray together..and as long as I take her out to eat 3 times a week she’s happy….he he
By Becca
March 19, 2007 10:57 AM | Link to this
Randy sounds like you know what you are about.
By For Real
March 19, 2007 10:57 AM | Link to this
Musing hold my belt I think I can reach the bottle. Damit man we have got to save that bottle. GA.Man keeping is keeping count.
On topic: My three principles are
Do Not Take Each Other For Granted
Understand, know and take a REAL interest in what is important to the other person.
Keep a fully stocked bar
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 11:01 AM | Link to this
Raqi
I one of my favorite really old movies, “Shenandoah”, Doug McClure goes to ask Jimmy Stewart for his daughter’s hand in marriage. He looks down at Doug McClure, shifts his cigar from one side of his mouth to the other, and says “Do you like her”. McClure says “Mr. Anderson, I love your daughter”. Stewart says, “I didn’t ask whether you loved her, I asked if you like her, they are not the same thing”.
No kidding, Raqi, liking and loving are two different things…and equally important.
By MusingLee
March 19, 2007 11:04 AM | Link to this
Musing holds For Real’s belt as he reaches for the bottle, when a short skirted Sexi walks by……Musing stands up to whistle and notices he’s only holding a pair of pants.
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 11:05 AM | Link to this
Hi Becca
I don’t know what I know, just made a lot of mistakes and had plenty of time to think, listen, and learn from myself and watching others…but thanks.
By cool breeze
March 19, 2007 11:05 AM | Link to this
my question is if you’re not looking for marriage why be in a long-term committed relationship? Where are you headed to?
By For Real
March 19, 2007 11:06 AM | Link to this
Randyt I agree with you 100% but I think it’s a new concept to women. Thus, it will take sometime to sink in.
By Sexione
March 19, 2007 11:08 AM | Link to this
Love vs Like…….definitely a deal maker or breaker!!!!
By For Real
March 19, 2007 11:13 AM | Link to this
For Real taking a drink from the botttle calls his job and informs them that he is taking a personal day.
By For Real
March 19, 2007 11:17 AM | Link to this
After his 2nd gulp from the bottle, For Real notices that he has a clean shot of Sexi assets and quickly gets a camera phone shot. For Real think to himself, I’m back in business..
By **Bella**
March 19, 2007 11:19 AM | Link to this
Hi, everyone!
We’ve stumbled onto the idea that you have to like your partner as well as love them as a key principle to making a marriage work.
How do you think you fall in love with someone you don’t like?
Thanks for the insightful comments this morning!
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 11:23 AM | Link to this
Sidebar to abc
Did yu see the Vols score 121 points in the first round of the NCAA? I’m not much of a basketball fan, but talk about putting up points. I had them getting beaten in the second round on my betting pool to VA…I should have been more loyal.
By Sexione
March 19, 2007 11:25 AM | Link to this
As For Real is trying to save stolen shot of Sexis assets, he is kicked in the head by a black and gold studded stilleto…bottle rolls away towards another storm drain….
By abc
March 19, 2007 11:26 AM | Link to this
For me, my exes didn’t start out being unlikeable, they became that way over time. From their perspective, I’d say it wasn’t so much of an issue for them; they were determined to make me be what they wanted, which was a moving target — they’d change their mind every so often. It used to wind up my crank that they’d then observe qualities they admired in other people that they’d not allow in me.
I don’t think one could fall in love with someone they didn’t like.
By Sitting Pretty
March 19, 2007 11:27 AM | Link to this
Bella, I don’t think it’s so much that you fall in love with someone you don’t like. It’s more like you fall out of like with someone you love. That’s more likely to happen. Sometimes a characteristic you think you like about someone can later turn into something you dislike. For example, you may initially like your SO’s carefree attitude, but later realize that “carefree” can translate into “unmotivated”. Things like this will start to add up. Therefore, you start to fall out of like.
By MusingLee
March 19, 2007 11:27 AM | Link to this
Bella Initially you get drawn in because you like the representative of that person…I think Women most commonly fall into this trap of loving dudes they don’t like….However, there are Men who have fallen in love with Women they now don’t like.
By Lady Dark w/Dimples
March 19, 2007 11:27 AM | Link to this
How do you think you fall in love with someone you don’t like?
I don’t think you do…why would you allow yourself to fall in love with someone you don’t like?? Now, I think you can grow to dislike your SO….then you’ve realized what hell is!
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 11:27 AM | Link to this
Bella because is love is blind. You know the saying “You don’t know a person until you have lived with them”? Well I think that is how it happens. Once the novelty wears off and you begin to see the person for who they are and sometimes you discover things about them you just don’t like. Then there’s the old “love drunk” epidemic.
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 11:32 AM | Link to this
Good morning Everyone! Welcome Bella!
I believe there are numerous outgrowths from one element. The one element is dependent upon the couple and what is most important. If there is one element, both must be committed to the commitment, in my humble opinion. In other words, determined to make their marriage/relationship work. What defines your relationship? Respect, honesty, fidelity, communication, a sense of humor, love, sacrifice, understanding, intimacy (emotional, mental, physical), forgiveness, security—-all are essential elements, but any and all are meaningless without commitment.
Is this particular characteristic or practice obvious when you’re first dating someone, or is it something that you have to dig down deeper to discover? I believe a man’s potential is obvious. Time and consistent interaction will reveal the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Have a Powerful, Productive, Prosperous and Positive Day!!!
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 11:33 AM | Link to this
I think it is easy to fall in love BEFORE you have really had time to fully determine whether you like someone. In other words, everyone has, as someone called it, a “performance” face on. We fall in love (or lust, or chemistry, etc.) before we really even know someone…and then realize we don’t really like them, but our “love” is more closely tied to our (fill in the anatomical parts) sometimes, rather than our brain. Maybe we “like” with the brain and “love” with the heart.
A thought to ponder.
By Sexione
March 19, 2007 11:34 AM | Link to this
It’s more like you fall out of like with someone you love. That’s it….ding, ding, ding….you’ve won first prize for the most correct answer. This is the way it happened for me! Sounds like for many others too….
By Jake
March 19, 2007 11:36 AM | Link to this
First, one of you should have announced that the real blog was now operational…lol
Interesting comments, as for the love/like scenario. Got my t-shirt, it can happen. You may not seriously enjoy someone the way you once did, but love will hold you there. I think the liking part of the equation is what maes a relationship remain fresh.
By DuShawn
March 19, 2007 11:44 AM | Link to this
Whenever the topic of a successful union is discussed inevitably the words selflessness, compromise and sacrifice will be used. I have discovered that there is a fine line between selflessness and the sacrifice of personal happiness. If there is something that you enjoy but it truly bothers your significant other, are you willing to stop doing it to please your mate? The word compromise in itself denotes the forfeiture of something. As in any negotiation, both parties sacrifice something to reach a mutually acceptable agreement. That’s an issue that I consistently struggle with. It takes an extraordinary amount of humility to value another person’s happiness more than your own. How do you think you fall in love with someone you don’t like? You don’t fall in love with someone you don’t like. You evolve into disliking them. Constant exposure to their flaws, unresolved issues of past indiscretions, and a lack of effort and communication will alter your view of a person. You still love them, but they just get on your nerves. There is an ebb and flow to all relationships. Friday I told my wife “she’s aggravating the hell out of me”, this morning I was an hour late because I didn’t want to stop holding her. That’s the way love goes.
By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert
March 19, 2007 11:45 AM | Link to this
Good Morning All,
Welcome Bella.
I think everyone has already mention quite a few key things needed to make it last..listening, giving up portions of self in order to make the one you love happy.
Yes you can love someone and not like them..That thought made me think of a book I had for my son called Love you Forever, about this mom who sings to her son… I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be. I have to change the verse a few times when my son “forgets” himself. Then it reads I’ll love you forever, I don’t like you today, but as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.
Same with relationships you can love someon forever and yet dislike their ways.
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 11:46 AM | Link to this
never talk like you will “make it up to him” down the road (when you place something or someone ahead of him), unless you really mean it and absolutely plan to follow through. RandyTThis is equally important to me. One of my relationship “gotta haves” is for a man to keep his word. Consistent broken promises…Jewel will exit stage left. I leave in three parts: (1) emotionally; (2) mentally; and (3) physically. Either one at a time or all at once.
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 11:57 AM | Link to this
Afternoon ALL Had some business to attend to before slipping away to Blogsville Everyone seems to have some great points here so I will say DITTO for now.
For Real You have another camera phone I see. I guess you didn’t learn your lesson last week huh?
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 11:58 AM | Link to this
It’s more like you fall out of like with someone you love. Sitting Pretty You hit the nail on the head. Excellent point! Love is an action word, not based on feelings. Feelings change. Your decision to love does not change overnight because of something you do not like. It requires acceptance, another relationship necessity.
By Sexione
March 19, 2007 12:08 PM | Link to this
I leave in three parts: (1) emotionally; (2) mentally; and (3) physically. Either one at a time or all at once. I have watched myself go thru these steps, just as you stated, because I no longer liked the person I fell in love with. And still to this day, I look back and thank Him for the strength, courage and wisdom to know when to say when.
Slim Yeah, that camera phone has already gotten For Real in trouble.
GAman What’s the update on the big party?
By Mo
March 19, 2007 12:15 PM | Link to this
Jewel * leave in three parts: (1) emotionally; (2) mentally; and (3) physically. Either one at a time or all at once* I too have experienced this and didnt want to admit it. I couldnt imagine not “hanging in there” in my relationship. But eventually I saw that I was miserable and ultimately I wasnt going to be happy, no matter what. He had already shown me the way, I just didnt want to go that way.
GAMan I’m with Sexione, what’s up with the Blog party?
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 12:22 PM | Link to this
Sexione yeah, I guess we’ll have to make a better example out of him. lol
Now that I think about it I can vouch for the whole still-love-but-don’t-like situation. The love you have for a person, sometimes may be the only survival line you trick yourself into thinking you have, even though you may no longer like the person’s ways anymore. Over a period of time of constant bickering or the same unresolved issues coming around, who wouldn’t fall out of like with someone. I love my ex buy I sure as heck don’t like him too much.
By Sexione
March 19, 2007 12:23 PM | Link to this
Heeyyy Jake, I think you’re right…..they detected too much fun on the b-l-o-g….now they wanna shut us down!! hehehehehe
By Sexione
March 19, 2007 12:27 PM | Link to this
I also think that once you’ve hit the I no longer like you stage, the love tends to fade. IMO, it’s almost impossible to continue to love someone I no longer like. Now that doesn’t mean that that love will turn to hate, it just fades to black.
By Michelle
March 19, 2007 12:29 PM | Link to this
Marriage is a joke. It’s a legal agreement people enter into as long as it’s convenient to them both. There’s nothing sacred or holy about it.
By lovelyliz
March 19, 2007 12:31 PM | Link to this
If I knew, I’d tell everyone so there would be no more divorce, but since that isn’t the case, I’ll go with what makes for a miserable marriage and an almost sure-fire divorce:.
if sex is all you have in common
if you are both purely superficial
if you can’t stand up for one another against your families
if you can’t stand each others friends
if you don’t agree on what to do about children before the wedding
if you don’t agree on how to spend and account for $$$$
if you aren’t upfront about your credit and spending habits; you don’t have to agree but knowledge is a powerful thing
ETC., ETC., ETC.
By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert
March 19, 2007 12:33 PM | Link to this
Michelle meet Justin…Justin meet Michelle…I think you two could make miserable music together.
By Prego
March 19, 2007 12:36 PM | Link to this
Afternoon all!! I agree with all of your comments. It takes many different things to make a marriage work. The biggest to me and trust, communication, and sacrifice. Also, the comment about thinking about how it will affect your SO is VERY important— I tell my husband that if he wouldnt want me doing it he shouldnt be doing it either. Have respect for each other and know that you may not always like each other but use that love you have to bring you back. The comment made about God holding the relationship together is also true to me. If you have a man/woman who loves the Lord than you know they good.
By lovelyliz
March 19, 2007 12:37 PM | Link to this
My parents have been married for 40 years and if I had a marriage like theirs, I would either be divorced or in prison.
What makes it work is a very individual thing.
By GA.man
March 19, 2007 12:38 PM | Link to this
Ok ok ok the blog party is coming i was just waiting on the cold weather to go away
Thanks Mo….counting the money the ladies paid for thier blogbar party
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 12:38 PM | Link to this
Dushawn that is true. But it’s not just the fact to be willing to not do something for the sake of your S/O. It is also about being realistic and fair in the request of asking your S/O to do or not to do. Some things are just trivial and some hold merit and one should be able to distinguish between the two for the health of the relationship. Gripping at every little thing that you don’t like doesn’t do anything but make you a nag. And make the other person resentful. If my husband told me that he didn’t want me to have male friends that would be trivial. But if his concern was because these male friends call the house quite frequently or he feels that I value their opinion over his, then he has a legitimate case. That is something I would be willing to change for his sake and the sake of my marriage.
By kinderbabe
March 19, 2007 12:39 PM | Link to this
dr.kym that is such a wonderful book…love you forever. i read it to my students and cry every year while reading it…lol. glad to hear that mommas are using it at home.:)
By Prego
March 19, 2007 12:41 PM | Link to this
I also think that if you going into a marriage with divorce as an option you are more likely to end up getting divorced. If you dont even consider that unless it is absolutely necessary, then I feel you are more likely to work out the everyday/workable problems- I do understand that some people just can’t stay together and thats fine, but some people get married one day and then have their first fight and 2 months later are getting divorced because they can
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 12:49 PM | Link to this
Sexione and Mo It is worse when you are blindsided by something and have to bail all at once. Our feminine nature has not had the chance to analyze and process our decision. Some men think silence is permission to continue dishing out crap. One day they look up without warning and see a note that says: GONE! LOL!
*Before the blog men start throwing tomatoes and eggs at me… I know some men have done the same when they were in love. But, I am speaking from my own perspective.
By DuShawn
March 19, 2007 12:50 PM | Link to this
A bit of advice for the fellas The relationship you have with your girlfriend is not the same relationship you will have once she becomes your wife. Your wife can say things to you that your lady would not have the audacity to say. That ring and that ceremony changes the whole game. I have noticed in my marriage and all of my potnah’s marriages as well, that wives tend to elevate themselves to a position of self imposed, fictitious authority. I often have to remind mine that ”I love you, but I don’t report to you.” If you don’t check them and that situation, you will be required to check in, give an account of your whereabouts, obtain permission or at the least announce your departures and your estimated time away from the home. Some men go as far as to mentally prepare departure statements that are most likely to minimize potential exit conflicts. I was a professional bachelor for decades. This part of marriage has been one of the biggest adjustments I had to make. Women will justify this overbearing behavior by stating: “You’re in a relationship now, you have to consider how your actions make me feel” If you love them, you humble yourself and say the two words that all husband know too well ”yes dear”. If you want to test this hypothesis in your current relationship, grab your keys one day and tell your lady you’re about to ride out. I guarantee her response will be “where you going?”
By Foots
March 19, 2007 12:50 PM | Link to this
Hello all…
Jewel Respect, honesty, fidelity, communication, a sense of humor, love, sacrifice, understanding, intimacy (emotional, mental, physical), forgiveness, security—-all are essential elements, but any and all are meaningless without commitment.
Well, I guess I found out about this the hard way. My SO, who was right for me in so many ways, is now my ex-SO due to lack of committment on his part. He took an issue that was present from the beginning, our long-distance (3.5 hours), and used it to end our relationship. I see it as a BS excuse to get out for whatever reason. Though I was surprised and extremely hurt, looking back on it, he always had that “impatient, gotta stay moving” aspect to his personality. Oh well….
Foots is now re-joining the blog non-committed…
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 12:59 PM | Link to this
at the least announce your departures and your estimated time away from the home.
That’s just an act of respect. I don’t know any man or woman that would be okay with their mate just up and leaving without saying a word. I mean you are just sitting there reading the paper and your wife just gets up and leaves the house only to return 6-7 hours later and you not know where she was or who she was with. I don’t think so.
By Prego
March 19, 2007 1:00 PM | Link to this
Foots I am sorry to hear that. I know this doesnt help but believe that if you’re meant to be together you will be. LDR are hard on both people, esp if one is needing a lot of contact.
By Prego
March 19, 2007 1:03 PM | Link to this
I have a question for all the blog men
I am a really jealous person— is that flattering or does it get to a point where it is a problem— and if so, what level of jealiousy is acceptable. (I am married, so this is my husband we’re talking about… :)
By DuShawn
March 19, 2007 1:08 PM | Link to this
“That’s just an act of respect” That’s the other statement wives use to justify their overly inquisitive behavior. RaqiIf your man said I’m about to ride out is it necessary for you to know where he’s going? I once heard a comedian say that being married to a sista is like being married to a probation officer. In some ways that’s true.
By abc
March 19, 2007 1:12 PM | Link to this
Jealousy is NEVER okay. There is no such thing as an acceptable amount, much less a flattering amount. Jealousy is only destructive; it will only serve to lose what you seek to keep.
Jealousy is insulting to a beloved partner. It shows that their demonstrations of their feelings for you are insufficient, not due to their efforts, but due to your character flaw. The thing is, with jealous people, there’s nothing one can do to sufficiently demonstrate that the jealousy isn’t necessary; that’s how jealousy will drive a person away.
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 1:12 PM | Link to this
Foots I am sorry to hear that. Some men would not know a good thing if you fell out of the sky with “Good Thing” spray painted and tacked on your body with post-it notes!
By Melissa
March 19, 2007 1:15 PM | Link to this
I agree with all of the comments about respect, communication, honesty, like/love, etc. Another key to a successful marriage/relationship is knowing that fighting is inevitable and knowing that how you fight is important. My husband and I have learned to 1) stick to the topic at hand, 2) don’t dredge up the past, and 3) don’t call each other names. We’ve been together 14 years as of today!
By Prego
March 19, 2007 1:16 PM | Link to this
abc yes, you are right. I am not a crazy jealous person— he has female friends and I am ok with that. I just dont want him flirting with women and it would bother me if he went and hung out with a girl by himself. I do trust him and I am know he wouldn’t cheat on me sober, but I worry about when he is drunk and with his friends. You are right though— he is jealous also, but he doesnt show it as much— but then again I dont have any male friends that arent his friends..so.. is that still really bad
By DuShawn
March 19, 2007 1:17 PM | Link to this
I don’t think it’s disrespectful for me to hop in my whip and ride out whenever I feel like it or to come and go unannounced. I, like most men, have been doing that since I’ve been grown. My point is that was one of many behavior modifications required for me to maintain a successful relationship.
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 1:18 PM | Link to this
Foots I’m sure the initial days to come will be hard because you have to go through the hurt and angry stage. Just know that your blog family is here for you every step of the way.
By Foots
March 19, 2007 1:22 PM | Link to this
Thanks Prego, Jewel and SlimOne.
By Prego
March 19, 2007 1:24 PM | Link to this
DuShawn It isnt disrespectful for you to want to go places and go when you want, but if your wife or girlfriend asks you where you are going do you think it would be respectful to tell her when she asks?
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 1:26 PM | Link to this
Raqi and DuShawn That was a bone of contention in the beginning of my last relationship. And, we are not together anymore because he cheated. No, we were not married, but if that is the least you can do to appease your mate why is it too much to ask? Which begs the question, what was he really doing when he did not want to tell me where he was going? You do not loose autonomy by giving your mate respect.
By abc
March 19, 2007 1:26 PM | Link to this
Prego, I’d say that inability to trust your partner is self-evident, in and of itself, to whatever degree it’s warranted. What makes you think he’d flirt with women? Does he actually go ‘get drunk with his friends’ as a primary activity, to the extent that he’d lose control of his faculties to the extent of promiscuity? If you have evidence that those things are true, it’s not jealousy, it’s an uncommitted spouse.
DuShawn, I’m not with the come-and-go-as-you-please-unannounced thing. That is disrespectful of them.
By no marriage expert
March 19, 2007 1:29 PM | Link to this
I’m no marriage expert and didn’t even marry till mid 40s because I wasn’t ready to settle down till then, but in my experience it’s lowering my expectations. The first few years were pretty rocky because I’d been on my own for so long, although I’d had other relationships, but over 14 years of marriage I’ve come to see my SO can’t be the be-all-and-end-all for me. I view him with my eyes open - he has strengths and weaknesses and I celebrate his strengths and try to build him up. I try to make a comfortable and secure home for him where he can feel loved and accepted and not nagged or badgered. We each have our own interests and we also have some shared interests. If we have something important to discuss, including a disagreement or a domestic detail, we have “staff meetings” when we set aside a block of time to discuss it objectively without attacking or emotion. So far it works quite well.
By 27yearsMarried
March 19, 2007 1:31 PM | Link to this
The key to a happy marriage: A Fantastic Mistress!!!!!!!!!!
By Sexione
March 19, 2007 1:33 PM | Link to this
Raqi SO true!! That’s a two way street DuShawn. You get what you give…..at least from me you do
Foots This is/was the current SO? What’s the saying…..”ish happens”…..look at it this way, he probably did you a favor. Keep your head up!!
By Prego
March 19, 2007 1:33 PM | Link to this
abc he doesn’t drink that often, but when he is out with his buddies they all have a tendency to drink a little too much— as far as the flirting I dont think he would do it on purpose but that doesnt mean it wouldnt bother me— and again, I know women and some are just…bad
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 1:33 PM | Link to this
My point is that was one of many behavior modifications required for me to maintain a successful relationship. Dushawn Are you a relief pitcher for one of the MLB teams? That’s Major League Baseball, not that fake Man Law Book! LOL! You always manage to pull out a save once the blog women have outscored you!
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 1:41 PM | Link to this
Before I got married when I got ready to leave the house I told my sons, I am going out for while with a friend (or sometimes I gave them a name if they had met said person) and I will try to be back around (fill in the blank). Now these are my kids that I was talking to. My husband deserves the same if not more respect and I would like the same respect from him.
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 1:42 PM | Link to this
*Come to think of it, DuShawn is using the blog ladies to play out discussions with his wife…what will happen if I say this…what will happen if I don’t say that…
By Charles
March 19, 2007 1:44 PM | Link to this
I have been happily married for twenty four years. Nothing is old. Everything gets better and more exciting with the passage of time.
You are correct when you indicate that there are a hundred different elements that must combine equally for marriage and relationships to work. The foundation which all of those elements depend upon is forgiveness. We will be tested in this life. You will have the opportunity to forgive someone who is responsible for causing you as much pain as we have caused others.
If people are unable to forgive, the elements needed for marriage and relationships to work are denied the opportunity to flourish. We all can see the results of unforgiving people in our society. (Broken marriages, unhealthy relationships, lonely people, unruly children, crime, envy, hate, restlessness, confusion, etc…)
After we have forgiven others for their trespasses, we should make a gallant effort to respond to all persons with decency and respect.
By SeanJohnson
March 19, 2007 1:44 PM | Link to this
@ 27yrsMarried….thats what they say…keep a bird in the bush..
@ Prego…jealousy is NOT good…sounds like you may be a tab bit insecure…
@ Foots…him breaking up sounds fishy..but it happens to the best of us…hold your head up..and get back in the game…its only halftime…
By NCgirlfromATL
March 19, 2007 1:46 PM | Link to this
Jewel You always manage to pull out a save once the blog women have outscored you!
That’s how DuShawn stays married! LOLOL!! He might flex on occasion, but he ain’t stuck on stupid. DuShawn knows just how far he can go with his wife before the ish hits the fan.
But, I do wonder how often that theory is tested for most men, and on what grounds do they feel the need to test their woman’s limits. They know that there are things that will set a woman off, in general. But, just for the sake of establishing who wears the nutz in the house, they push it.
Oh, and good afternoon, everybody! GaMan your Gators almost jacked up my brackets like Wisconsin and VaTech did. But, I’m still in it! LOLOL!
By Charles
March 19, 2007 1:47 PM | Link to this
I have been happily married for twenty four years. Nothing is old. Everything gets better and more exciting with the passage of time.
You are correct when you indicate that there are a hundred different elements that must combine equally for marriage and relationships to work. The foundation which all of those elements depend upon is forgiveness. We will be tested in this life. You will have the opportunity to forgive someone who is responsible for causing you as much pain as we have caused others.
If people are unable to forgive, the elements needed for marriage and relationships to work are denied the opportunity to flourish. We all can see the results of unforgiving people in our society. (Broken marriages, unhealthy relationships, lonely people, unruly children, crime, envy, hate, restlessness, confusion, etc…)
After we have forgiven others for their trespasses, we should make a gallant effort to respond to all persons with decency and respect.
By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert
March 19, 2007 1:51 PM | Link to this
Dushawn Make it do what it do baby… but just remember the day she stops asking where are you headed and with who is the day you may really have to worry.
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 1:52 PM | Link to this
Foots Sorry to hear that.
By Prego
March 19, 2007 1:52 PM | Link to this
SeanJohnson I am insecure— I have been cheated on many times in my last relationship and I know the whole “placing baggage onto new relationships” is bad and try VERY hard to make sure I dont do that. My husband is a wonderful man and I am very lucky to have married him
By Foots
March 19, 2007 1:52 PM | Link to this
Sexione/SeanJ Yeah, ish happens. I did the very best I could, no regrets on my end for how I handled myself in that relationship. I’m managing to keep my head up so far.
Now what will hurt me worse than this breakup is if my doctor tells me that I have to stay off the pole for a while. I hurt myself in class last week doing this beautiful pole fan kick and I’m getting it checked out today. I might have to have an MRI done to check for damage. Too much stuff happening at once…I need a blog drink…
By Charles
March 19, 2007 1:54 PM | Link to this
I have been happily married for twenty four years. Nothing is old. Everything gets better and more exciting with the passage of time.
You are correct when you indicate that there are a hundred different elements that must combine equally for marriage and relationships to work. The foundation which all of those elements depend upon is forgiveness. We will be tested in this life. You will have the opportunity to forgive someone who is responsible for causing you as much pain as we have caused others.
If people are unable to forgive, the elements needed for marriage and relationships to work are denied the opportunity to flourish. We all can see the results of unforgiving people in our society. (Broken marriages, unhealthy relationships, lonely people, unruly children, crime, envy, hate, restlessness, confusion, etc…)
After we have forgiven others for their trespasses, we should make a gallant effort to respond to all persons with decency and respect.
By SeanJohnson
March 19, 2007 2:08 PM | Link to this
@ Prego…well if you are married..no need to be jealous or insecure..that should have gone away u said “I do”…he made you his so thats something you have to work on with in yourself..always know your self worth….if u are lucky to have him…then he is lucky to have you and hopefully he wont do anything to jeopardize that and vice versa.
@ Foots…u might wanna take it easy on the recreationally activites…arent you 30? banging your cooch on a gym horse gotta be painful…but seriously..if a ballet/gymnist injury hurt worse than a break up…then maybe..u didnt really love dude…like you think…
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 2:09 PM | Link to this
And then they want to call women “Ball busters” when we push back and crack dem nutz.
By Mo
March 19, 2007 2:09 PM | Link to this
Foots hang in there girl and join the blog singles (or soon to be singles).
Prego gots to work on that jealousy, its not a good thing and can destroy your relationship.
GAMan while you counting money, could you open the bar please! My girl Foots says she needs a blog drink and you in here playin! LOL
By Sexione
March 19, 2007 2:16 PM | Link to this
Foots Gurl, hopefully you’ll be back on the pole in no time!! lol
Charles very good point….forgive…even if you move on seperately, you must forgive…for your own sake…..I like that!
DuShawn Kym makes a good point…..if she ever stops asking, then you’ll be wondering why…..make it do what it do.
Raqi I do the same thing with my child….so I definitely would do that with an SO, and I expect the same in return.
By Foots
March 19, 2007 2:18 PM | Link to this
SeanJ I did/do love him. And I miss him like crazy. But I can’t let my feelings about this bring me all the way down. Right now, I’m just trying to make myself smile a little with the jokes.
And yeah, I’m 30, but I got to keep in shape before things start to completely fall apart! Seriously though, reality says that relationships come and go. But to lose something that is so much a part of who I am, like my ability to dance, would certainly bring much heartache.
By For Real
March 19, 2007 2:24 PM | Link to this
Foots sorry to hear about your breakup keep your head up so you can see the next guy coming. As far as your pole incident, you must have forgotten the rule #1. Don’t drink and pole dance.
Prego Either your husband has given you reason to be jealous or you are insure. You need to deal with it either way before it gets worse.
Slim you know I am hard headed it’s going to take more than a stilleto to stop this photo journalist
DuShawn You know women issued a booklet when they reach the age of 12 entitled Ten Phrases and Catch Words to Control Your Man
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 2:26 PM | Link to this
Foots what did he say exactly, did he just say he didn’t want to continue to do the LD thing or what? Also how long had you all been together?
By DuShawn
March 19, 2007 2:27 PM | Link to this
DuShawn knows just how far he can go with his wife before the ish hits the fan. Implicit in that sentence is that false sense of self imposed, fictitious authority women in relationships have that I spoke of earlier. One could infer from that statement that if I misbehave there would be repercussions from my wife. At my crib, I wear the pants. She wears the panties. I run the house. She runs around the house. (I hope she doesn’t stumble onto this blog, I’ll be sleeping in the basement for a month;)
By JustMe
March 19, 2007 2:29 PM | Link to this
Prego You should have your faith and expectation in you SO not the women who he might meet while he is intoxicated.
Also, if you have to wonder what he might do after a drink or two too many, what makes you think that he would not do the same thing while he is sober? Being drunk in a excuse to do stuff you would still do sober, but being drunk gives you a half azzed excuse.
That my $0.02 IMHO - JustSayin’
hi-ho, hi-ho, back to lurksville I go
By JustMe
March 19, 2007 2:29 PM | Link to this
Prego You should have your faith and expectation in you SO not the women who he might meet while he is intoxicated.
Also, if you have to wonder what he might do after a drink or two too many, what makes you think that he would not do the same thing while he is sober? Being drunk in a excuse to do stuff you would still do sober, but being drunk gives you a half azzed excuse.
That my $0.02 IMHO - JustSayin’
hi-ho, hi-ho, back to lurksville I go
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 2:29 PM | Link to this
Dushawn and eating fried Alpo.
By Sexione
March 19, 2007 2:35 PM | Link to this
Raqi & DuShawn fried Alpo……shiiidd, some of that nasty canned dog food thats always on sale, in the discount cart, all dented and banged up!! lol
For Real Hard head make soft butt!! hehehehe
By Foots
March 19, 2007 2:36 PM | Link to this
SlimOne Girl, don’t get me riled rehashing ish! :-) He basically said that our relationship was wonderful, he was very much in love, but that he couldn’t do the long distance thing anymore. As hard as it is to find that special person, why would something as easy to resolve as distance end things? That’s why I say it’s BS. I could speculate and come up with my own theories, but that would be useless. It had been a little over three months. Oh well…
By Lady Dark w/Dimples
March 19, 2007 2:37 PM | Link to this
Prego I’m pretty sure when my SO is out with his buddy he drinks too much and is flirtatious (that’s how he was when i met him)….don’t sweat the small stuff. He wouldn’t like to hear everything I say to a man while I’m at a bar/club.
If that behavior leaves the bar you’ll find out in due time…but I honestly think they have to act that way around their boys so they don’t look whipped!
By JustMe
March 19, 2007 2:38 PM | Link to this
Foots Now that you are amongst the single again, remember pole rule #12……. you can not simulate the pole moves for any ole dude, he might get hooked and become a stalker :-)
Keep ya Head up girl……… Men are like buses, another one will be along soon enough :-)
By Lady Dark w/Dimples
March 19, 2007 2:41 PM | Link to this
foots I’m telling you girl…just conclude that he’s schizophrenic and be done with it! You know you’re the best!
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 2:41 PM | Link to this
Raqi, Dushawn, & Sexione I could’ve sworn I heard they have a massive dog food recall going on now. Numerous dog deaths have been reported as a result of the contamination. So Dushawn you might want to straigten up and fly right until this blows over. It might be too late though. Does wife normally have dinner ready upon your arrival home? lol
Foots yeah, don’t want you to get mad all over again. I was just curious. I might have to add him to my profile for my psychology dissertation. lmao!
By abc
March 19, 2007 2:43 PM | Link to this
Well now, that’s not right… you’re saying that it would supposedly be no harm, no foul to go clubbing without your SO, flirt it up for self-entertainment’s sake, as in not actually cheating, but rather just go through some of the premliminary motions of cheating? And some guy would act that way to put up some kind of front for their friends? I’d not tolerate that kind of behavior, and I’d not expect a woman to tolerate it in me, either.
By Foots
March 19, 2007 2:43 PM | Link to this
Thanks all! I’m on my way to the doctor to get this hip checked out. Wish me luck…and take up blog donations for this co-pay/parking fee for me! LOL!!
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 2:46 PM | Link to this
Foots You should have called his bluff and told him you were prepared to move there immediately. If he had said that would be great then you would have known that really was the case, but if he had started stuttering and stammering then his behind would be busted.
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 2:47 PM | Link to this
Well, Raqi, he is a Que…so, he likes dog food and living in the dog house.
By Jack
March 19, 2007 2:49 PM | Link to this
Rule #1 The female is always right.
Rule #2 If the female is wrong, see rule #1.
By diana jones
March 19, 2007 2:50 PM | Link to this
i meet my husband on a blind date and we have been married for 38 years we have disagreement ,but never go to bed mad, we have great communication most of the time ,try to listen close to your spouse that hard for me. but all in all we have fun together. people give up to soon when things goes wrong.
give it a chance diana jones snellville ga
By Lady Dark w/Dimples
March 19, 2007 2:53 PM | Link to this
I guess it depends on your definition of flirting…I don’t have a problem if my SO goes somewhere and chats with a group of females. What I’m not going to do is become paranoid over what he may or may not be saying to them. Why worry about stuff like that? Again, if he has a mic on me he may not like every word that I may say to someone out at club…but I’m not trying to take anyone home…so yes, no harm, no foul…
By DuShawn
March 19, 2007 2:54 PM | Link to this
Raqi “Before I got married when I got ready to leave the house I told my sons, I am going out for while with a friend……My husband deserves the same if not more respect.” You bring up an interesting point. Before I got married, when I got ready to leave my house, I grabbed my keys and dipped. There was no one to tell where I was going or when I would return. It had been that way for over a decade. That’s probably why its still an adjustment for me now. I’ve made her aware that it bothers me when I answer her calls and the first thing she says “is where are you?” When we first got married (I still do it occasionally), I’ll just hop in the car and leave. She would call and say, you didn’t even tell me you were leaving. I would be like ”was I supposed to?” To me, that’s trivial to her it wasn’t.
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 2:54 PM | Link to this
My two cents worth
I have enjoyed reading all of the different points of view and the various opinions from DuShawn and Jewel and all of the others. I think, IMHO, that the key one needs to ask is “would I accept this same behavior from MY SO”. In other words, in DuShawns account, is he/are you willing to allow her the freedom to come and go as she pleases also? In the cases of the flirting/bar scenes/opposite sex frindships, where do each of us draw the line in our SO?
If DuShawn is okay with the same behavior in his wife, and has that kind of trust relationship, then it is okay…it is only when we expect more from others, than we do from ourselves, that problems occur.
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 3:08 PM | Link to this
diana jones I still have not got that “don’t go to bed mad” thing worked out yet. I refuse to sit up all night arguing about something we can deal with tomorrow.
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 3:08 PM | Link to this
RandyT I do not know about that. Of course Dushawn (or any other male brain that thinks that way) thinks it is okay, he will not have a problem with her disappearing acts because he wants the same liberty. And that really isn’t the issue…the fact that it does bother her is the issue. Now, it is up to him (or any other male brain that thinks that way) to decide what is most important? My freedom to come and go as I please…or taking advantage of a golden opportunity to show my wife I respect and honor her…that she has entrusted her feelings to me and I do not have a right to mishandle those feelings.
By For Real
March 19, 2007 3:08 PM | Link to this
Raqi Why shouldn’t Foots just accept his reason for ending the relationship instead of playing the game you stated? He gave her a reason as why he didn’t want to continue. Just because someone doesn’t like the reason doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
JustMe Have rode MARTA before?
DuShawn I will agree with you if as Randyt stated you don’t mind if she steps when she feels like it
Sexi You better stop flirting with me
By abc
March 19, 2007 3:10 PM | Link to this
I’d define flirting as coy and light-hearted behavior intended to stimulate an emotional and/or sexual response in the opposite sex. Otherwise, it’s just innocent conversation.
By MusingLee
March 19, 2007 3:10 PM | Link to this
Now spraying WD40 on JustMe’s dancing pole and installing a trampoline under the bedroom window
By Sexione
March 19, 2007 3:19 PM | Link to this
For Real Why……will I get in trouble? Is the big bad wolf gonna get me? lol You started it taking pictures of my sexi assets……it’s on now!! hehehehe
Randyt the key one needs to ask is “would I accept this same behavior from MY SO” So true…if one honestly answers that question, then cheating/disrespect would virtually disappear. I truly believe in do unto others…
By Prego
March 19, 2007 3:22 PM | Link to this
I appreciate all of you guys’ kind comments! That helped to hear other points of view— you’re all right. It is more about me than it is him b/c it is never a question about the whole flirting when he is sober- not at all. And then friends thing is probably what it is- luckily they are all about to get married and have babies ;)
Foots it is gorgeous outside, you seem like a FABULOUS woman, and dude just doesnt know what he had. Have your faith and the perfect man (for you) will come around and you will be so happy. The Lord will provide
By Lady Dark w/Dimples
March 19, 2007 3:23 PM | Link to this
I guess there’s varying degrees of flirting…one can simply flirt for their own ego…and that’s done on numerous occasions when a man asks for a number and never intends to call…then there’s flirting for pure entertainment…just to make the most out of a situation….then there’s flirting with an agenda…which is what you’re referring to….
According to your definition then I’m talking about innocent conversation….but it could still be troubling to the ears/eyes if SO was sitting there….he doesn’t like to see attention given to any other man…
Bottom line to Prego is don’t sweat it when he goes out….she can’t govern his behavior when she’s not around (not that she wants to). If he’s being disrespectful she’ll find out sooner or later..
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 3:23 PM | Link to this
Jewel
Your point is well taken. Understand that I was not condoning DuShawn’s behavior although I can empathize with his feelings. I was just saying that the first question before taking too much ‘liberty’ is the old standard “what is right for the goose is right for the gander” and would I accept the same behavior. Personally I would not. There are some open relationships that can work, but I am not one who would be comfortable with my SO demanding freedom to go out any time without explanation, or partying without me. Which means that I have to require at least the same from myself.
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 3:24 PM | Link to this
ForReal because she stated that she thought his excuse was BS so I gave her a bluff buster that she could have tried since she thought that.
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 3:27 PM | Link to this
Raqi Bluff Buster That sounds like something that could be sold on QVC….I like I like!
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 3:33 PM | Link to this
Lady Dark I have not read all of the comments to Prego (too busy trying to make DuShawn repent), but you are on point with this statement: she can’t govern his behavior when she’s not around. Much like our children. A true test of how well you have raised your child is what they do when you are not around. It is not about what you can get away with in their absence, but rather your commitment to the person. Just my humble opinion.
By Sexione
March 19, 2007 3:34 PM | Link to this
I’m out…..everyone have a wonderful evening!!
By NCgirlfromATL
March 19, 2007 3:35 PM | Link to this
Implicit in that sentence is that false sense of self imposed, fictitious authority women in relationships have that I spoke of earlier. One could infer from that statement that if I misbehave there would be repercussions from my wife…(I hope she doesn’t stumble onto this blog, I’ll be sleeping in the basement for a month;)
DuShawn LMAO!!! Self-imposed? Fictitious? Authority? Check your celly, Mr. Pot…Mr. Kettle left you a message! Of course there are repercussions! I know you don’t truly believe that you can do what you please in your relationship, and the fact that you “wear the pants” means that she doesn’t have a right to get p!ssed, to go off, or otherwise react. Because if you did that would be probably one of the most narcissistic, self-absorbed things a man can think! I’m all for a man being a man, but that doesn’t mean she becomes a doormat for you to wipe your feet on when you come in at 6AM…but I digress. I’m sure you were joking…sort of…and if not, Mrs. DuShawn, I know a good lawyer! LOLOL!
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 3:37 PM | Link to this
SlimOne When you buy 5 pounds of my “Dumb Chick Rubber Bricks” you get one package of “Bluff Busters” for 1/2 price.
By JustMe
March 19, 2007 3:39 PM | Link to this
For Real Yes I’ve been on the MARTA Train a time or two. Why do you ask? (God I hope I don’t regret asking).
Musing Thanks for the WD-40, Now I can bounce in through my window and slide down the pole in a very provocative position………. LOL WOuldn’t you like to be a fly on my wall… hahaha hehehe
Raqi I’ll take 2 bluff busters and a pair of roller blades :-)
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 3:48 PM | Link to this
JustMe
I have been relatively immune to these dance pole contracts until now. For some reason the down the pole in a very provocative position all of a sudden make me think hmmmm’ pole dance - girlfriend, pole dance - girlfriend… Do you think a strict Southern Baptist lady (although incredibly passionate) would entertain the notion of a “pole dance” room at my house? Y’all have got me making dates my body can’t keep now. LOL
By MusingLee
March 19, 2007 3:49 PM | Link to this
JustMe I actually saw that going in the opposite direction….LOLOLOLOL
JustMe attempts a “Fully Inverted Helicopter Twisty Slam” on newly oiled pole….getting a running start she leaps onto pole, gets flung around the oily pole, and crashes through the bedroom window….landing nekedly on the trampoline below
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 3:49 PM | Link to this
RandyT Please accept my humble apology…I know you were not condoning DuShawn. My harshness was directed at the male brain that thinks that way…LOL!
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 3:51 PM | Link to this
Raqi I still have 5lbs of the “Dumb Chick Rubber Bricks” from that last special you all were running. I like to keep them fully stocked in case of emergencies which they make great love gifts. However, I would like to know if you all have like a Bluff Buster Variety Ppack?
SO series, In-law series, Minors series for those under the age of 18….etc
By Grampus
March 19, 2007 3:51 PM | Link to this
Going to work and staying away from each other for 12 hours a day helps.
By For Real
March 19, 2007 3:51 PM | Link to this
Raqi Bluff Buster a.k.a Get your feeling hurt even more
By For Real
March 19, 2007 3:57 PM | Link to this
JustMe, while laying on the trampoline all nekedly and thanking GOD that she is still alive, For Real appears with his trusty camera phone gotcha and text photos back to MLB..
By MusingLee
March 19, 2007 3:58 PM | Link to this
Now handing Jewel 50% off coupon for “Musing’s Pole Emporium”
“A Pole for you, a pole for she, buy your pole from MusingLee!”
Musing enters commercial wearing a 10 gallon hat, plaid shirt, and some cowboy boots
Musing: We’ve got the best poles in the business, come on down and see me y’all!
By Lady Dark w/Dimples
March 19, 2007 4:01 PM | Link to this
Musing why you got JustMe flying out the window…LMAO!!
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 4:01 PM | Link to this
Randyt a little birdie told me that you can get a pole from Starship for $79.99. You could tell her that someone shipped it to you in error and being the good samaritan that you are, you called to let them know and they suggested you keep it as a reward.
Randyt’s SO walks into surprisingly dark living room after hard days work. Blindly she feels around for the light switch when she is startled by something in front of her that feels cold, hard and wet
SO: Baby!!!!! What the hellz is going on here? And what is this pole doing in our living room?!
As Randyt answers, SO realizes he’s actually in the same room sitting in a chair holding a wand of dollar bills
Randy: hello baby. You won’t believe what happened today.
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 4:03 PM | Link to this
Honestly, I have been reading DuShawn’s posts for months now and what I have noticed is someone who truly appreciates his wife, but occasionally looks back at his freedom days with a bit of nostalgia. We all do that sometimes. His life was good before, and it is good now, just sometimes they are somewhat mutually exclusive, because the rules are different. We all look back sometimes, hellz once I even thought about hitting on my ex-wife for old times sake, then thought uhhhh NOPE, but the thought was there. Just looking back, thats all.
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 4:04 PM | Link to this
Did anyone go see Chris Rock’s new movie: “I Think DuShawn Loves His Wife*? LOL! I read some poor reviews from movie goers.
By Alvin
March 19, 2007 4:06 PM | Link to this
Sup To All
abc, what is your take on the Book of Enoch?
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 4:07 PM | Link to this
SlimOne I have a new product called DogDuds. They look like milk duds but they aren’t. You drop one in your man of interest drink then ask him if his is married. If [this[(http://sounds.wavcentral.com/televis/scooby/uh-uh.mp3) is his answer then you know what that means. Or if you ask him his name and he says then you got a Fido on your hands. I am looking for women to participate in our 30 day free trial. We will compensate you for you findings.
By Lady Dark w/Dimples
March 19, 2007 4:07 PM | Link to this
Jewel I saw it…it was the worst!
LOL how you inserted Dushawn’s name…
By abc
March 19, 2007 4:09 PM | Link to this
I’d say flirting is flirting regardless one’s intent. The actions are still the same, no matter if you intend to follow through or not.
By MusingLee
March 19, 2007 4:10 PM | Link to this
LMAOOOO @ Slim….hahahahahaha
Randyt is waiting in the dark room with all those ones
Girl: Baby how much oil is on this pole?
Randyt: I put all of it on there
Girl: Uhhh huhhhh, did you see what happened to our neighbor JustMe?
Randyt: Yep, that’s why I nailed up some plywood over the windows.
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 4:10 PM | Link to this
*SlimOne *
That was funny!!!!
By JustMe
March 19, 2007 4:11 PM | Link to this
Lady Dark For Real is worse than Musing He’s not only taking pictures, he’s sending them to the whole dayum MLB - NC Atl I think I need some representation from these photifications that will be shared amongst the MLBnation!
SlimOne LOL Mrs. Randy Baby WTF is this, they did what? and they said do what with it? He!! 2 da naw Randy uzelyingyoazzoff…….*
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 4:11 PM | Link to this
Snatching my apology from RandyT! Cardinal rule: Wait until the lady leaves the blog before you agree with the man.
Jewel enter’s studio and begins beating Musing Lee with the pole she bought from him with monopoly money.
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 4:11 PM | Link to this
That should be this
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 4:11 PM | Link to this
Jewel I actually saw it this weekend. Not that I had great expectations for it, IMO, it was mediocre. It would be a better movie rental movie than a pay $7 or more to see at the movies deal. However, it basically showed sides to being single versus being married and both involve some type of work and/or sacrifice. depending on each persons individual situation Basically I gather that either way, you need to be happy with where you are in the moment as apposed to always living a life based on what you think is supposed to make you happy. That’s like trying to find the gold at the end of a rainbow.
By JustMe
March 19, 2007 4:12 PM | Link to this
abc I’m suprised the guys didn’t toss you under a bus today. You aiight with JustMe
By DuShawn
March 19, 2007 4:12 PM | Link to this
For Real Actually, I rarely ask her where she’s going. I don’t have to. She always volunteers and tells me. Jewel *”decide what is most important?” That’s ultimately the magic ingredient to a successful relationship. The key is to find that happy medium between selflessness and sacrifice. If you sacrifice too much, you won’t be happy. If you’re actions and deeds are selfish or self serving your mate will be unhappy. It’s a balancing act. Keeping my spouse aware of my whereabouts was just something I initially had to become accustomed to. It’s not an important issue for us. Realistically, If anything I did caused my spouse to be unhappy or created discord in my home. I would adjust my behavior immediately, even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness, because I have decided that my families’ happiness is most important. However, If I have sacrificed something that I truly enjoyed and I’m miserable as a result, I would expect my mate to recognize that and we’ll reach a compromise that enables me to do what I like occasionally.
Ncgirl “Of course there are repercussions! I know you don’t truly believe that you can do what you please in your relationship” That’s exactly what I’m talking about! As long as I’m honoring our marital vows and taking care of my business as a provider and patriarch, what makes you think a man can’t do as he pleases just because he’s in a relationship. Of course, you must consider the feelings of your significant other. I will always do what is necessary to maintain a peaceful and loving home, but I will never accept a submissive role in my household. When I got married, I chose a life partner not a life boss. I’m not that kind of brotha.
By Raqi
March 19, 2007 4:13 PM | Link to this
I am out. Everyone have a good evening. Bonne Nuit.
By MusingLee
March 19, 2007 4:14 PM | Link to this
Musing now giving Jewel a 70% off coupon to “Musing Calm’Yo’azz Down Seminar”
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 4:15 PM | Link to this
Lady Dark Chris Rock is not one of my favorite comedians. But, I thought about going because I heard it deals with black love, a theme not portrayed very often in Hollywood.
By GA.man
March 19, 2007 4:16 PM | Link to this
Hello all..dang brother was working today…i tried to catch up..dang flying folks out windows..oils..lmao Gotta get u Jewel your joke wasnt funny…hahahahah Nc go Gators you just better hope ur tarheels can survive Hey Justme Slim
By For Real
March 19, 2007 4:18 PM | Link to this
JustMe No need for representation. I am “Photo Journalist”. Think of me as Gordon Parks.
By Lady Dark w/Dimples
March 19, 2007 4:21 PM | Link to this
Dang Slim…you got all that from that movie…I got that Chris Rock doesn’t need to star,direct, and produce his own movies….the multi-tasking took a toll on the movie. I was trying to find the moral of the story…I guess you gave me one….they booed the movie at Galleria!
If I had to think hard for a moral…appreciate what you have and don’t take it for granted…AND…boredom is the devil’s playground!
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 4:23 PM | Link to this
Raqi LMAO…sound byte….So, what are the possible side effects? I just maybe interested in this 30 trial.
MusingLee ha ha ha plywood over the windows I think he even got one of those circus nets used under the flying trapeze acts…I can imagine now, net all over the dayum house. LOL
By JustMe
March 19, 2007 4:25 PM | Link to this
For Real Grrrrrrrrr!
GA Man Hey!
Peace out y’all B E Z
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 4:28 PM | Link to this
**plywood over the windows *
Perhaps some of those pads that surround those really expensive trampolines maybe against the walls. Something to bounce off of (maybe me when she smacks the crap out of me).
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 4:29 PM | Link to this
LMAO @LadyDark Well you do have a point there and you summed up all my jibberish in two lines If I had to think hard for a moral…appreciate what you have and don’t take it for granted…AND…boredom is the devil’s playground
I will add that if you are in a relationship then make sure to do things to keep it fresh. Don’t be afraid to try new things it’ll give you all new things to talk about.
Slim thinking she might have to hire LadyD on as her personal interpreter
By NCgirlfromATL
March 19, 2007 4:31 PM | Link to this
I will always do what is necessary to maintain a peaceful and loving home, but I will never accept a submissive role in my household.
DuShawn No one said you had to be submissive. I don’t understand why you equate common courtesy with emasculation. I don’t understand why a wife’s concern or interest in what you’re doing has to be construed as you being submissive. Just b/c she asks where you’re going or what you’re doing doesn’t mean she’s looking for you to ask permission. Good example: My parents have been married for 40 yrs. My dad is the quintessential man of the house. He runs thangs! LOL! But, one of the themes that seem to run thru the other marriages in my family are that the men have to ask permission to play golf. So, at a family function one year, my cousin’s husband asked my dad if he could play golf one day. Dad said yes. Cousin’s hubby said, “Don’t you need to ask your wife?” Dad said, “no…why?” (and laughed) Cousin’s hubby didn’t believe him, and went and asked my mom if my dad could come out and play. She looked at him liked he’d bumped his head, and told him “He’s grown, he doesn’t need to ask my permission. All I ask is that he let me know what’s up, so I know where to find him if I need him.” Nothing even remotely submissive about that. Dad comes and goes as he pleases, and has for 40 years, and so does Mom. But, they do each other the courtesy of letting the other know what’s going on, so no one thinks the other is lying in a ditch bleeding to death somewhere.
But, what you seemed to indicate was not the situation as I outlined above. You seem to be saying that no matter the time of day, length of stay or context of play, you DuShawn shouldn’t have to answer to anyone, regardless of that ring on your fingers or vows that you both took.
So, I’m curious…if your wife stopped volunteering to you where she was going, etc, you’d be ok with that?
By Jewel
March 19, 2007 4:31 PM | Link to this
GaMan That is because the doctors removed your funnybone.
By For Real
March 19, 2007 4:31 PM | Link to this
Lady Dark So, are you trying to say Pootytang wasn’t funny???
Dayum Jewel!!! Mental note: make Jewel assets the last picture you get and wear a cup.
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 4:32 PM | Link to this
Slim
make sure to do things to keep it fresh
This reminds me of something that will remain unwritten that happened this weekend. It is SO true. Life IS GOOD.
By For Real
March 19, 2007 4:37 PM | Link to this
Slim um let me know when you and Lady Dark start that “personal interpreter” stuff…
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 4:39 PM | Link to this
Jewel
Your comments made me think of a comedy skit I saw on the Comedy Central with Jeff Foxworthy. He is at the bar with his buddies and they are sort of asking him does he need to call his wife and tell her why he isn’t home. He snorts and says he doesn’t have to ask anybody anything, and as a matter of fact he would go and call her and give her a piece of his mind. He goes to the pay phone and calls his wife where no one can hear and he is crying and begging her to let him stay out with his friends. Then goes back to the table and tells his buddies that he told her “she could just kiss my azz”.
Most men would never admit it but this is how we really act, macho around the boys, and lying our azzes off.
By MusingLee
March 19, 2007 4:40 PM | Link to this
I don’t understand why a wife’s concern or interest in what you’re doing has to be construed as you being submissive.
NCgirl Men want wives to mind their own dayumm business! LOLOLOLOLOL
Wife: Musing where you going, it’s so late out?
Musing looking around the room as if there may be someone else there
Musing: Who you talking to? I’m heading out. Why don’t you mind your own business, and stop asking me stuff?
Musing now being carried away by paramedics for severe concussion and possible spinal fracture
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 4:40 PM | Link to this
Randyt as much as I am intrigued by your past weekend, I will only say…I’m sho glad you enjoying LIFE if that’s what we are going to use our the code word…LOL
By Lady Dark w/Dimples
March 19, 2007 4:40 PM | Link to this
Jewel But, I thought about going because I heard it deals with black love, a theme not portrayed very often in Hollywood
I wouldn’t say don’t go see it then….but please lower your expectations…
I don’t know if it deals with Black Love…the struggle in their marriage wasn’t specific to our culture or issues…however, it was 2 black people portraying a very common issue after 7 yrs of marriage….BOREDOM!
For Real I sheepishly admit to never seeing Pootytang…LOL
By abc
March 19, 2007 4:42 PM | Link to this
You’re cool with me too, JustMe.
Alvin, I don’t know that much about it (them), I haven’t read them, although they’d probably be quite interesting. Anything that would expound on the Old Testament, Genesis in particular, would be cool with me. Enoch gets a bitty paragraph, establishing that he only lived 325 years or so in a time when ages over 900 were most common; and that he was taken up to heaven while still alive, rather than dying first.
By GA.man
March 19, 2007 4:43 PM | Link to this
jewel you getting like Chris Rock
By Ronnie
March 19, 2007 4:46 PM | Link to this
I like to make ladies make babies.
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 4:48 PM | Link to this
For Real Wah da tah. Dirty Dee, you’re a baddy daddy lamatai tabby chai! I’m going to sine your pitty on the runny kine You may need to run that through my interpreter.LOL
By Ronnie
March 19, 2007 4:49 PM | Link to this
I like to make ladies make babies.
By NCgirlfromATL
March 19, 2007 4:51 PM | Link to this
NCgirl Men want wives to mind their own dayumm business!
And women want men to actually have some dayum business to mind! If you were doing something that wouldn’t later cause trouble, then women would stop asking! LOL!!
Ok, I’m out.
By DuShawn
March 19, 2007 4:52 PM | Link to this
you DuShawn shouldn’t have to answer to anyone, I think its the terminology, more so that your point that I take issue to. The words answer to and repercussions* are terms applicable to a parent/child relationship not a marriage. To answer your question, if I ask my wife where she’s going and she said she’s going to hang out. That’s cool with me. I don’t need to know exactly where she’s going or what time she’ll be back. If I need her or visa versa we’ll call one another. We’ve been happily married for almost a decade. We know and trust each other. It works for us. As a matter of fact, wifey copped some tickets to the Hawks game tonight. I’m about to get out of here.
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 4:52 PM | Link to this
Slim: why thanks for sharing with the rest of the group Ronnie here at the Making ladies Make babies support group. And Ronnie please tell the group just how many ladies have you helped make babies?
By For Real
March 19, 2007 4:52 PM | Link to this
Slim Sa Da Tay.. you got me on that one. I don’t know about the rest of the people on the blog but Pootytang had me LMAO.
By Alvin
March 19, 2007 4:55 PM | Link to this
abc http://reluctant-messenger.com/1enoch01-60.htm
The Book of Enoch (also referred to as “Ethiopian Enoch” or “1 Enoch”)
Chapters 1-60
It’s good read. I’ve spend much of today reading the books with wikipedia and the bible as cross references.
By Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a closet FULL of T-shirts)
March 19, 2007 4:56 PM | Link to this
Ronnie You are a brick or two shy of a load aren’t you? I’m guessing with an approach line like that, you spend a lot of time alone. Just a guess.
By SlimOne
March 19, 2007 4:57 PM | Link to this
For Real
[(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pootie_Tang)]
By Alvin
March 19, 2007 4:58 PM | Link to this
try 365, which is the same as the number of days per year!
By Alvin
March 19, 2007 5:11 PM | Link to this
NCgirlfromATL and Blog Sisters: without trust, there is no relationship…To me, you ladies are implying the there is no trust in your mates.
Demi is reading as a lurker
Ronnie LOL I dare you to return in the am.
By ,,,=^.^=,,,
March 19, 2007 6:09 PM | Link to this
I turned 48 years old about 3 years ago and was dating my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years. We never argued during our courtship and when we disagreed on something, we talked about it. I am so proud to be my husband’s wife and everday I let him know that he does me also. Mutual respect and caring is so important. I’d like to also include, when we dated and since being married, we have not had not one argument. We did something right this time around. And waiting for that special person is also important as opposed to making one fit in where they clearly don’t. There, I said it and I am sticking by it wholeheartly.