By Suga&Spice

April 27, 2007 8:04 AM | Link to this

Hot dangit! Not only am I posting two days in a row, but I am the first one to post this morning. Love it! Now let me go back and read the the entry

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 8:07 AM | Link to this

TGIF Morning Errrybody.

WiseDiva Did your friend ever say what type of things led her to be weary about military guy all of a sudden? There is a difference in being paranoid and actually having valid reasons that don’t add up.

By Biff

April 27, 2007 8:12 AM | Link to this

The first thing you should do when you meet someone is to ask them if they have any diseases. I always get it in writing. If the chick refuses its a red flag that she’s got something.

By Suga&Spice

April 27, 2007 8:14 AM | Link to this

Ok on topic, I dont know that I would go so far as to do a formal background check at the initial stages of a relationship. But what I have learned to do is pay very close attention to a man’s words & behavior. A man will usually show or tell you who he is and what he is capable of early on in a relationship. Woman just have a tendancy to overlook the signs or let them be overshadowed by his shinning good qualities. Now when it comes to something like maritial status, if you are that unsure I would first ask him to let me take a look at a copy of his divorce decree. That way it at least gives him a chance to begin the ole ‘i was going to tell you when the time was right’ song and dance.

By kinderbabe

April 27, 2007 8:16 AM | Link to this

good morning all.:) hey mochalatte, mo, ladyd, ladyj, GAman, sj, randy, slim, jewel and all the super bloggers lol

wow, this is a tough one. i wouldn’t do a formal background check on a guy that i was dating in the conventional sense (not long distance and seeing each other often). i would like to think that i could figure out through conversation and attention to detail if a guy was married or seriously involved. in your sister’s friend’s case diva, it may have been necessary to really look into buddy’s background b/c she was considering moving to another state. when making serious moves such as those, one may feel the need to delve deeper. i don’t think this means she’s too insecure to date, she’s just being cautious and smart before uprooting herself and moving to be w/someone she hasn’t had a lot of “face time” with.

i’ve been fortunate that most of the men i’ve known saved me the trouble of snooping b/c they told on themselves, lol.

By Suga&Spice

April 27, 2007 8:20 AM | Link to this

Biff, you ask a woman to write down tht she is disease free?? Now is this like a first date question or are you kind enough to wait until at least the third?

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 8:21 AM | Link to this

TGIF!!!!!!!!! Oh, did I say TGIF!!!!!!!

I say if you have that “gut feeling” that something is not right, then do what you have to do. Finding public information is not snooping!! Now if you’re going thru personal files and whatnot, that’s snooping. It’s hard to say what your friend should do Wise, as I don’t know what conversations have transpired between her and the guy. Did she know that he was ever married? Did he say that he was already divorced? To what extent did he mislead her? I need details!!! lol

I’m still trying to understand the whole “googling” thing. Okay, so you have a name, and you type it into the google search. Most times you will get thousands of results, and then what? Am I missing something? Anywho, I say if your instincts tell you somethings not right, then there’s nothing wrong with searching public information. If we as human beings would just tell the truth, then we wouldn’t have to go thru all of this mess!!!!! just tell the truth!

By aqualung

April 27, 2007 8:23 AM | Link to this

“Before long, she began making plans to move to his state, once his tour ended.”

HUGE RED FLAG: She shouldn’t change her position in reliance on him until marriage. What kind of promises was he making that she would relocate? She’s got so little going on that she can drag a$s around the country so soon?!

Elle should quit all contact with no explanation. She doesn’t owe him anything. Ignore it and it’ll go away.

Snooping? I’ve googled folk before. People don’t open up right away. I generally let guys tell me what they want me to know. Match the words to the clues. Sit back and see how open or secretive they are.

If he’s a doctor, then he’ll get pages from the hospital. If his mother’s in town this weekend, then he’ll invite me to meet her. If he goes to Princeton, then he’ll have knick knacks with Princeton insignia. If he’s still an enigma wrapped in a conundrum after 2 months, then he does not want to let me in.

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 8:26 AM | Link to this

Folks why would the man go so far as to have her uproot herself to move to his state if he indeed is married. That seems like a big childish game and dealing with someone’s life. That’s how folks get killed…not saying your friend is psycho. But I can see someone flipping out after moving to a whole different state to be with someone only to find out everything was a huge lie.

I wouldn’t do a formal background check but like kinder said, I’d just pay close attention to what buddy says and does.

By Biff

April 27, 2007 8:29 AM | Link to this

Suger/spice I write it out that I don’t have any and ask them if they can sign it in case we end up going out. Usually at the first lunch. It also works to get the chick’s mind thinking about sex, the whole reason a man is going out with a chick, after all. It helps to weed out the frigid ones, too.

By Suga&Spice

April 27, 2007 8:38 AM | Link to this

Biff-I guess if it works for you, do you buddy. But for me it would be a surefire way to talk yourself out of getting any. To ask me something like that early on would 1.give me the impression that that is ALL you are intrested in and 2. make me conclude that you have already assumed that I will sleep with you.

If a guy asked me something like that I would tell him, ‘how about you let me decide if I am going to give you any first’

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 8:42 AM | Link to this

I agree, kinder and Slim about the formal background check, I would disappear before wasting my money to do all that. But then I wouldn’t up and move to another state to be with somebody that I felt uneasy about, either. Doing the long distance thing makes it harder to pick up on the clues, so she made the right choice to do a little research. And she was willing to move after a few months? Really?

By aqualung

April 27, 2007 8:44 AM | Link to this

Biff, your approach is hilarious. Did you graduate from college? You don’t ask for medical records, just a signed statement? Do you ever get slapped by your date when you pull this stunt? Ha ha!

By Biff

April 27, 2007 8:48 AM | Link to this

I’m just trying to give advice that works. Most folks reading this blog would get real confused if they paid attention to most of the posts. I am providing real life advice that works.

By kinderbabe

April 27, 2007 8:53 AM | Link to this

hey slim i feel you sexi…i’m not up and moving after a few months. that’s a huge step!

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 8:54 AM | Link to this

ok, details..from what I was told, they were BOTH discussing future plans to be together after his tour ended, marriage, where they would live, etc.

By QC

April 27, 2007 8:59 AM | Link to this

Morning Bloggers hey kinderb great topic for a friday WD

have a great day bloggers!!!!!

By Suga&Spice

April 27, 2007 9:00 AM | Link to this

WD-here is a rule of thumb, Dont reserve the U-haul until after you have the ring

By Mo (now known as Moeisha)

April 27, 2007 9:02 AM | Link to this

Morning All: Kinderbabe, Lady J, Lady D, Jake, Randyt, SJ, QC, Raqi, MochaTreat, SlimOne, Sexione and the rest of the crew!!!

TGIF FO SHO’!!

I will drop back in later to blog, just wanted to get the greetings out of the way!!

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 9:02 AM | Link to this

Sexione I’m baffled by her wanting up and move just after a few months when they are already long distance. Depending on how often they saw each other, that time probably is equivalent to maybe a month and a half of dating had they been in the same city…not enough time to really know someone IMO.

aqualung Biff is probably one of those guys that flat out asks chicks for sex when he meets them. He can ask 100 women that, but even if only 1 says yes, He feels that his approach works. lol

Biff: Hey girl you fine! You wanna ride me?

Girl#1: Hellz naw!

Biff: Hey baby, you must be tired, you’ve been running around in my mind naked all day. You wanna let me run around in you?

Girl#2: Police! Police!

Biff: Umph, umph umph. Hey lady, are you cold are you just happy to see me? You wanna come back to my place and let me warm you up?

Girl#3: If you don’t back the hellz up, ima kick you in your kibbles-n-bits.

(Girl 4,5,6,7…etc)

Biff: (sees 500lb chick at bar alone) What’s a pretty girl doing here all by your lonesome? If i buy you a drink will you come home with me and work off you tab on dis dizzick?

Girl#99: dayum dude! what took you so long. Ain’t no need wasting time drinking, lets get this shyt started. I’m (h)orny as hellz.

Biff to self: YES! Ima get some azz tonight.

Biff to girl 99: hold up one sec. I need you to sign this document stating you are disease free. Sign here and here but intial and date it here. Oh yeah, and I need your left thumb print here.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 9:03 AM | Link to this

Biff, you remind me of this article someone sent me. It’s a male’s contract for “the perfect girlfriend”. I wonder if your contract is something like this one.

Ok, I think I would throat chop a guy if he laid out a contract on the first date, LOL, and I am not even a violent person (unless provoked)

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 9:05 AM | Link to this

Happy Friday Everyone!!

I’m not opposed to doing formal background checks. I’ve never done one and hopefully, I’ll never have to but when you hear the stories out there one can’t be surprised that society is migrating in this direction. It’s hard to really know what someone is about….imagine if the girl at the CNN shooting had done a background. By the time she understood the signs and wanted out of the relationship….he killed her. Now, had she done a background check in the initial stages she might be here today….I’m not saying it’s her fault she’s dead, just stressing the point the background checks can prevent some trajedies down the line.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 9:06 AM | Link to this

that is excellent advice Suga & Spice, giggling at my own rhyme

By T-Mango

April 27, 2007 9:06 AM | Link to this

Good morning all.

I’m not at the point where I am doing a formal background check. However, it is scary in the dating scene these days and it behooves people(especially women) to get as much data about an individual as possible. If something doesn’t seem quite right like the person is very transient (moving from state to state)in short periods of time or their past just seems “sketchy”. I think that is a red flag.

Some may call it “snooping.” I call it research. For example, there is a guy that moved across the street from me in December. I just happened to find out that he was a registered sex offender when I was looking in the GA database after I’d seen an AJC blog recently about real estate sales going down due to the presence of a sex offender in your neighborhood. I found out the info. because I was curious.

The same applies to dating..When it doubt, check it out. This topic makes me think of the woman who was killed by her boyfriend in CNN center. He had a huge rap sheet. Is it possible that she still could be living if she conducted a litle more research earlier in the game, found out about his criminal past and kept it movin’? You never know-

By kinderbabe

April 27, 2007 9:08 AM | Link to this

slim lol hey mo and qc happy friday to you.:)

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 9:14 AM | Link to this

Slim Exactly, the amount of time actually spent together has to be very minimal! It’s hard enough getting to really know someone you live close to and see regularly.

Biff, if you’re so confused by the comments, then why continue to post here. I’ve seen your drivel on other blog sites, so I think you’re just searching……

By ImAPeach404

April 27, 2007 9:14 AM | Link to this

Finding public information is not snooping!! I LOVE it Sexione

Folks why would the man go so far as to have her uproot herself to move to his state if he indeed is married. That seems like a big childish game and dealing with someone’s life See, Slim, a person with common sense and actual consideration for the other person thinks like this. Someone who is honest and not into games thinks like this. We (and possibly she) don’t know anything about this guy except whats written here. He may be foolish or simply think he can get away with it. I find that most people lie and deceive because they can. Simple as that. Because he is in the military, he may not even actually live in the state she’s moving to. With the freedom of his job, he can be here, there and everywhere and the wife, girlfriend, mistress, or DL lover would never know about each other. Foolishness I tell ya!

By Biff

April 27, 2007 9:21 AM | Link to this

sexone I am not confused by the posts here. I am offereing good advice. What I said was that folks reading a lot of the posts would be confused.

I do not usually just walk up to chicks and say wanna screw? You have to do it with skill. Chicks are flighty creatures and you have to understand what you are dealing with.

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 9:23 AM | Link to this

Mornin folks,

You know what amazes me about this whole situation is how fast a lot of women are ready to give up their life for a dude! If you look at men,why are they not as fast to do the same thing?

What I mean is… You meet dude in April, date through November and now you ready to up and quit your job or transfer, sell the crib and move hundreds of miles on a promise, that in a high percentage of cases does not work out, then you end up making a full circle and starting all over again,with baggage!

Amazing..

Next, on the background checks, if a chick ran any type of backround check on me,before we established mutually that we were entering a serious relationship, if I found out, she would be history with me!

I feel that that is something you need to discuss with the person, before just doing it! Afterall, if any other organization checks your background, they let you know well in advance and you typically sign forms authorizing it!

Not that I have anything to hide, but it is just the principle of the matter!

By ImAPeach404

April 27, 2007 9:26 AM | Link to this

I wish there was a way to snoop and found out if dudes were on the DL. Last night I went to the gay club with my guy friend - at this point, I’m so sick of dudes talking to me only to turn out to be a dud by week 2, I just wanted to go out and not have to be bothered by men like that. Anywho… we all know there are some cute gay dudes here in ATL, but man!!!, I was in heaven/hell the whole night. I wondered what happened to all the super fine and super sexy brothas that use to be around town when I was younger… they are all gay or on the DL now. I saw so many guys, had I seen them in another environment, I would have talked to. Which is VERY scary. Now, thats the kind of information I’d like to be able to snoop and find out about.

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 9:26 AM | Link to this

Morning all…

Personally, I have no problems with the background check. Maybe I’m a little jaded b/c I’ve seen so many marriages break up b/c people didn’t really know each other (I’ve been amazed at the things people will hide from the person they supposedly love and trust completely). I’ve done it before, but not consistently. Frankly, I think it’s a good idea for single men and women to protect themselves however they can. When you meet someone in a store, restuarant, bar or the gym, you really have no way of knowing if this person has good intentions or not. And since you really can’t tell a criminal simply by what they look like, you’ve got to be smart. There are some crazy women and men out there, and you don’t want to wake up one morning with someone standing over you with a knife, or worse.

The bad thing is that background checks don’t tell you that the person you’re dealing with is a drug addict, has mental health issues or is HIV positive.

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 9:27 AM | Link to this

ImAPeach404 You do have a point regarding him having the freedom to be here there and everywhere since he’s in the military. And after thinking about it, it ultimately has to be her decision to move and I couldn’t put that all on him. But i know if it were me, all of you would see me on all the news channels. SlimOne Holding BF Hostage

NewsAnchorMusinglee Yes I’m here live with this breaking news story. A disgruntled lover is holding her assumed boyfriend hostage. We don’t have all of the details but we do know that she recently moved to Timbuktoo to start a life together and found out he had 5 other wives. We also know that the victim is being torutured with clothespins on his private area. EMS are standing by to admister aid once the suspect is subdued. We’ll have more details at 6 on this story as well as an update on BiffBlogger’s condition after a 500lb woman almost suffocated him to death.

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 9:28 AM | Link to this

T-Mango did you report the guy across the street? I would!

When it doubt, check it out! I love that!!

As for the woman at CNN…when it’s your time to go, there’s nothing you can do to stop it (for those that are believers). But as least she would have been informed from the start.

lmsao @ Slim

By ImAPeach404

April 27, 2007 9:30 AM | Link to this

FYI While the site doesn’t seem to be working right now, THIS site will allow you to put in a persons name and find out about any cases they’ve had in DeKalb County.

(I haven’t been able to find one for any other county)

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 9:30 AM | Link to this

LOL @ chicks are flighty creatures! That’s hilarious.

By Atl Lady

April 27, 2007 9:30 AM | Link to this

Good Morning This tough, but let me see how PC I can be.

I hate to say it, but in these days and times people are not honest about a lot of things period. They are not always honest about their finances, their job status, just who they are as people because he or she may feel as if they are inadequate to the potential object of their affection. True love overlooks a lot of the superficial stuff, but you don’t know if that person has that quality in their personality until you spend quality time together. He really doesn’t care that I have a flatulence problem. lol lol With that said, I would run a background check in a heartbeat. I’m tired of seeing stories in the news like the maid who was killed at the CNN building because she was getting rid of a boyfriend with a very long criminal history. Women who date pedophiles who rape their children. Men who are in the system for not paying child support and refuse to be a father to their children unless some judge somewhere is pratically holding a gun to his head. Yet, he’ll buy himself a $100 pair of shoes and take you away for the weekend. All on his dime. You marry him and that’s when the s* hits the fan and you’re completely blind sided. I’ve never been there personally, but I’ve seen too many girlfriends and news reports go through it. If you’ve been arrested for driving with a suspended license, that’s more than forgiveable. You had a DUI. Don’t do it again, but I understand you were out partying and you got caught. It takes a real and strong person to admit to mistakes in the first place. So, come on baby. Show me **ALL your flaws.

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 9:30 AM | Link to this

Lurker But you can’t understand that the signs of the times are changing and they’re just paying someone to do what they can do themselves with time and effort….we’re talking public records. I can see how you may it’s an invasion, but surely you can understand that women can never be to safe. It’s the crazies that make it rough for the good guys (cautiously putting you in this category). LOL!

T-Mango We must have been reading each other’s mind.

By Got that?

April 27, 2007 9:31 AM | Link to this

Wise Diva, does the name Clara Lee Riddles ring a bell? If she’d done some snooping before entering a relationship with Arthur Mann, she’d probably still be alive. Sometimes, just googling the name of someone you have an interest in may save you a lot of heartache. All sorts of public records are indexed and made available on the web. Sometimes, it can be a difference of life or death.

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 9:32 AM | Link to this

The boring truck driver that I told you all about told me a chick did a background check on him. He made the mistake of letting her stay at his apartment when he left to go to work one day. About a week later when he came home, the chick was sitting in his house. she had another key made. Anyway, she started bringing up all kinds of things that he couldn’t figure out how she knew about it. She’d be like, so what was the story behind your arrest in 1991. He was like WTF! Eventurally she came out that she had the check done. He kicked her butt out of his house and had his lockeds changed. The bad thing about it is, they weren’t even together, just cut friends.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 9:36 AM | Link to this

Good Morning All,

First Wisey I understand where old girl was coming from with military dude. Been there done that and have a hole in the backyard where I buried the engagement ring.

Second I dont see anything wrong with formally checking someone out if you plan on developing a deeper relationship with them. Like Sexi said it is public information. For a mere 49.95 you can sign up to pull info on anyone. Hell I google myself on occassions just to make sure I know what is out there.

LL you are one contradicting dude..you dont feel there is a problem with asking old boyfriends and girlfriends for references on a person Your hold six degrees of separation theory But you balk at the idea of someone checking out your background without permission?

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 9:37 AM | Link to this

if a chick ran any type of backround check on me,before we established mutually that we were entering a serious relationship, if I found out, she would be history with me I would say good riddance!!!!! Anyone that can’t understand why something like that may be necessary, would deifinitely not be the person for me! Remember, you don’t have to be in a serious relationship to get raped or killed or anything else…

Peach Gurl, that is scary! had I seen them in another environment, I would have talked to. Now, thats the kind of information I’d like to be able to snoop and find out about. ^5

By ImAPeach404

April 27, 2007 9:37 AM | Link to this

Hey NC! I agree, I have no problem with background checks either. If I found out a guy I was dating performed a BC on me, I wouldn’t even care. Theres nothing to find anyway. But, since I’m cheap in that area, I’ve never done one myself. Besides, you can find out some information on your own. I don’t know if I’d ever perform a complete background check on a dude anyway, because while his record may be clean, unfortunately I won’t know he’s a cheating a*******hole until I catch him. I wish there was a values & morals background check. Until then… we always have www.dontdatehimgirl.com. Lol!

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 9:38 AM | Link to this

ImAPeach404 Gurrl I had a similar experience. One of my best friends is gay and I would often go with her whenever she’s in town to the girl spots. I get to drink and dance w/o the hassle of guys pushing up on me BUT this place was different. There were mostly guys there and I was so devastated at the amount of straight looking guys that I would talk to had i met them elsewhere. The entire night I was just sitting there amazed at the sight and I honestly was depressed for about 2 weeks after that. I told my friend that I would not go to anymore places that had gay men because I don’t want to see that being that I like men. She felt so bad but she didn’t know I’d react that way. You best believe I tried to remember every straight looking dudes face so I wouldn’t get tricked into dealing with a DL brutha.

By T-Mango

April 27, 2007 9:39 AM | Link to this

Along the same lines as the topic. When I logged ooff of Myspace one night, I saw an advertisement for another online dating site called True.com. I clicked on it and found that this was the first dating site that clearly stated that all membership registrations were checked against a database that contained information regarding marital status. I’m assuming this database was somehow linked to court records.

Nevertheless, they screen potential members to try to confirm that the individual is not married before they allow them to register. In addition, in their FAQ’s section there is also a blurb about their site and criminal background checks. So, it seems like they do both.

Some folks are very upfront about their marital status and overall background, while others misrepresent themselves. So, I thought it was interesting that this type of check was being done on the front-end in the online dating world.

By kinderbabe

April 27, 2007 9:40 AM | Link to this

slim wow!

By Mochalatte Peach with Extra Cream

April 27, 2007 9:42 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Blog:

I have to add something to the mix that is on, but off topic. The girl that was killed at the CNN center was a friend of my mom’s husband. It was not that she didn’t know what the guy was like, she was just scared to leave. The relationship was already in the beginning stages of abuse and by the time she decided to get out it was too late. Where she made her mistake was going back to work when she left him. He knew where she worked, she should have not gone to work that day after letting him know she was going to leave him. It’s a sad and tragic case just like all the others we have seen over the years. Just thought I would clarify the situation for some. She had already seen the signs and was on her way out, but she just didn’t take the right precautions on the way out.

By ImAPeach404

April 27, 2007 9:43 AM | Link to this

Lol, so wait Slim, he didn’t leave her alone for having an extra key made, he got mad b/c she did the BC on him??? Lol… whatthefuxup.com!

By For Real

April 27, 2007 9:44 AM | Link to this

T-Mango You call it research. Some may stalking some may call it tracking which isn’t illegal.

Wise If you don’t have a wedding ring not a friendship ring there is a difference, then why are you moving, quitting, selling and kissing your mamma bye? I think ole boy should do a background check on your friend. She sounds like she is a potential tracker chick.

By T-Mango

April 27, 2007 9:44 AM | Link to this

Sexione-No I did not report him. Not my place to do so. He’s a registered offender. So, the PO checks on him regularly at his residence. Besides,he has done nothing to me. His charge was 14 years ago, for statuatory rape-no force. To me that means consensual sex, but a parent probably pursued the pressing of charges because he was older and the girl was underage at the time. Just my thought.

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 9:45 AM | Link to this

@Lady Dark w/Dimples I completely understand the hesitation chicks got with new dudes,but if you do what you think is right,at the wrong time or not in the right way, it could backfire on you!

If a chick started prying into my background too soon, she would not get a second chance with me!

Now if we were entering a serious situation (i.e. meaning we are now exclusive)and she said to me LL,I want to check you out,to make sure you are on the up and up,then I would kewl wit it!

Timing is everything!

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 9:48 AM | Link to this

T-Mango Oh, okay, that makes sense.

By ImAPeach404

April 27, 2007 9:49 AM | Link to this

Slim, yea, I was basically there taking mental inventory and looking for familiar faces, lol.

Kym thats why I don’t even respond to LL’s post anymore. Just a bunch of jibber jabber.

T-Mango, that seems like a very good idea. However, I’d be reluctant to give a random website the information required to find out that kind of stuff about me. I guess I’d have to do a BC on the website first!

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 9:51 AM | Link to this

ImAPeach404 well yeah he was p** about her taking it upon herself to make her own key but i guess that was the icing on the cake, doing a BC. lol Can you say stalker?

By kinderbabe

April 27, 2007 9:52 AM | Link to this

peach thanks for the clarity. that was a very unfortunate incident that a young lady lost her life due to someone else’s mental instability and violent tendencies.

By T-Mango

April 27, 2007 9:55 AM | Link to this

@For Real So, what’s your point? I think we’re talking apples and oranges here. Stalking is an invasion of a person’s space-it is victimization which may result in physical harm. Looking in public records does not victimize a person.

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 9:57 AM | Link to this

@Dr. Kym I think you got me confused!

There is nothing wrong with asking old boyfriends or girlfriends about a present suspect,that is human nature or doing a simple google search, nothing wrong with that!

I am talking about going as far as paying to do a background check on-line,etc. in the early stages, before we get serious or commited!

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 9:57 AM | Link to this

ImAPeach404 I must say I did find some humor while I was there. Can you picture a huge black guy, I’ll say at least 6’3”, wearing a short azz blue jean skirt with a mid-drift top, his hair in a long weave pony tail, lips looking like he kissed a bar of crisco, and some high yellow pumps that looked big enough for me to sleep in!!!!! I just don’t understand whether you’re gay or not, why do they have to dress up like the opposite sex when they CLEARLY don’t look like it. Seeing him was like looking at Sasquash in a ballerina outfit. and you know it’s bad when I had found myself watching some of the girly ones dancing, trying to learn how to back dat thang up or drop it like it’s hot. lol

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 9:58 AM | Link to this

We are all searchable..by your email addy. By your screen name here..Dont believe it..try it. Put in your screen name and google it you will come up with any post you have ever posted on this blog. Some employers are doing just that when hiring to see what kind of sites you are visiting as a way of checking your charcter.

By Atl Lady

April 27, 2007 9:59 AM | Link to this

Mochalatte Peach I’m glad you clarified that for us. I always wondered. I know God is a God of free will and tomorrow is not promised, but I pray that my choices are those He can fix if I choose the wrong thing.

By Mochalatte Peach with Extra Cream

April 27, 2007 10:00 AM | Link to this

Morning Kinder!! Ready for the weekend? I sure am. I hope it doesn’t rain! :( Yeah, it was very tragic, because one of her co-workers (who was into music) was wrote a rap that he wanted her to hear that very same day that everything went down. He was trying to encourage her to leave the guy as soon as possible. Just a shame.

By For Real

April 27, 2007 10:01 AM | Link to this

Slim I would have kicked her azz out and file a restraining order on her. CRAZY…. The DL thang is scary for men as well. I say pick a got dayum team and stick with it…

Sexione jibber jabber dang Mr. T in the house…

By Chocolate Peach

April 27, 2007 10:03 AM | Link to this

Well, I wouldn’t say I have did a actual background check however I use a few different websites where I can find just enough info to verify a story. (I Use to be a bill collector back in my early days) A guy I met back in mid Jan, very nice, everything I was looking for however I get the weirdest vibe about him. Because of that he doesn’t know where I live nor the area & I only agree to see him in public places. He did tell me he did some time before & me being the FBI agent that I am had to check out his story. I find NOT only did he do some time he did some TIME!!! & the charges were no where near what he told me he was locked up for. So I have now completely stop going out with him altogether he still calls on the regular. I knew the feeling I would get when I was around him was genuine but only to a certain extent. Thanx to the world wide web & my skip tracing techniques, I may have saved my own life.

Might I add he’s the only guy so far that I had to do such research on. He was too good to be true & I NEVER go against my instincts. We women have em for a reason!!

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 10:03 AM | Link to this

Lurker But what’s the point in telling someone who maybe crazy???? You’re coming from the perspective that you’re not crazy….but what if chick told a crazy dude…I’m now about to do a background check on you You don’t think that would set dude off?

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 10:06 AM | Link to this

kym Awwwwwww DAMN!!! I didn’t know that you can google my screen name and my comments are forever in history!!!!! I just did it…there I AM!!

By Raqi

April 27, 2007 10:06 AM | Link to this

IMO she should walk away. When or if she confronts him about it he is going to lie because he has already been living a lie. Been there. Period.

By Mochalatte Peach with Extra Cream

April 27, 2007 10:07 AM | Link to this

ATL Lady That is for sure. I am definitely cautious about who I date because I have small kids. I don’t even divulge the secret location of the Bat Cave to guys. I meet them first at a very public location and I let someone know who I’m meeting, what time and I let them know I will call them when I return. I can’t even be the victim with a Lifetime movie of the week!! Feel me?

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 10:08 AM | Link to this

LL You’re assuming that you’d know that someone ran a background check on you in the first place. Since it is public information, there is no obligation for any agency to notify you that someone has done a check on you. Secondly, it’s public information!! I could go on the register of deeds page right now and if I knew you’re full name, I could check to see what property you’ve owned in the past, and where you live now, if you own a house. There is nothing illegal about it, and you’d never know that I did it. You say that you don’t have anything to hide, yet you say you’d kick a woman to the curb for looking through public documents (not the ones you keep in your locked file cabinet at home) to find out more about you. Sure, she could just ask you, and she might do that first. But everyone isn’t honest. I’ve told the story before about my friend who dated a guy for several months before she found out he was in a relationship (and later found out he was married). That could have ended up being a lot worse than it was, all b/c he flat out lied to her when she asked him if he was in a relationship when they first started dating. Frankly, I’m surprised that more men don’t run checks on the women they are dating. If you haven’t noticed, women are acting stupid too, according to the news.

I’d rather be safe than sorry. Yes, I’m going to ask the questions first. And then I’m going to do my due diligence, and do my own checking. Friend references aren’t always adequate either. How long has the friend known the guy? In what capacity? Is the friend telling you everything? If the guy I’m dealing with doesn’t tell me the truth, then we’re through. But, I’m not going to get mad at a guy who runs a check on me, b/c it’s the smart thing to do.

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 10:09 AM | Link to this

Kym Interesting. Now of course I had to try it, and yes, your moniker here will tie back to the AccessAtlanta site, but since your email addy is not required here anymore, it is not (unless you’re still using your real email…I don’t). Now when I search my name, all of the results are of someone else with the same name (some white chick out in CA). I have yet to find the real me.

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 10:10 AM | Link to this

@Lady Dark w/Dimples Hopefully, by the time you decided to inform someone that you wanted to check them out and you were considering entering a serious relationship with them, hopefully you would not be doing so with a crazy person!

Believe it or not,there is a low percentage of crazy dudes/women vs. normal folk!

Out of all the dudes you have dated, how many were crazy vs. on the up and up?

By ScubaDiva

April 27, 2007 10:11 AM | Link to this

I’ve never had to rely on doing a formal background check. I’m pretty savvy with my gut instincts. If there’s that nagging feeling setting off red flags, there’s usually a reason.

I had an ‘odd feeling’ about one guy. Looked on a sex offender website and there he was. I asked him about it and he admitted it. (Goodbye!)

However, I wouldn’t always rely on information online. Just because it’s on the internet, doesn’t mean it is true. Someone with my same name and similar birthdate had been convicted of numerous financial crimes. A potential employer did a ‘background check’ on me by googling me and it came up.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 10:12 AM | Link to this

LL No you are the one that is confused. How is it any less an invasion of a person’s privacy to call up their old boyfriend or girlfriend and say>>> Hi my name is So-So I am thinking of screwing your ex tomorrow so I need to know more details about them before I do…any information you can provide will be helpful.

I mean do you ask them for a list of references at the door? That takes a steel set to ask someone for information on past love interest so that you can check them out.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 10:12 AM | Link to this

hey Ms. Mocha, thanks for sharing that. I tell you that story REALLY broke my heart. It messed me up, man.. just thinking how scared she was, I just couldn’t stop imagining that, and wondered what I would do if I was nearby when that happened.

For Real, I don’t know for sure, but I got the impression it was mutual, it’s not like she up and starting china pattern shopping after 2 days, I can’t say with certainty, because I don’t know both parties.

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 10:12 AM | Link to this

By the way LL when do you propose that it is appropriate for someone to run a background check? It seems to me that someone w/ stalker charges is not the kind of person you want to have spent a lot of time w/ and then find out they are a convicted stalker. Same goes for drug dealers, child molesters, and wife beaters. They can be hard to get away from…better to know up front before you get involved in some unnecessary drama.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 10:14 AM | Link to this

Sexione try googling your screen name and putting in ajc. An there you are.

By T-Mango

April 27, 2007 10:17 AM | Link to this

Question To the Blog Males

Looking up public information is fact finding. You may come up with details that you did not expect or the person may end up being sqeaky clean.

Not sure how many of you have children. But, if you have a daughter will you tell her to “gather the facts by using what is available to her before she gets serious with a man” or “get serious with a man and then gather the facts”.

I’m asking because a person or two has indicated that they are not in support of background checks before you get serious.

By Island Girl

April 27, 2007 10:17 AM | Link to this

Morning All

LDD I share the same thoughts on your 9:05 post. However, if a guy I’m dating does a background check on me, I would feel unsettled about it.

I would honestly feel that my privacy is being invaded. I pride myself on being honest and if you want to know some things about me…just ask. Unfortunately you can’t take people for “face value” these days. All of these “once upon a time” un-necessary tactic are slowly becoming the norm.

Just my two cents.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 10:18 AM | Link to this

Hey Scuba diva! If you are the same blogger Scuba Diva, I used to read your blog all the time. Are you still updating?

By Mochalatte Peach with Extra Cream

April 27, 2007 10:18 AM | Link to this

OMG This blog is also being posted on the Daily Newspaper website in Dayton, OH!!! I just hit one of the links with my name on it and the Misadventures Blog about Object of My Affection came up on this newspapers website!

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 10:19 AM | Link to this

@ NCgirlfromATL I don’t know if you know, but I hire and do background checks all the time!

It is a part of my job and I know how much info can be found on folks and in some cases,you can be notified if someone has or is checking you out!

Again, as I said to Kym, there is nothing wrong with Google searches or character references,with old flames or friends, but paying for a background check or takin it to anything on that level initially, before we have determined if we even like each other is grounds for terminating any future relationship with me,unless it has been expressed to me that you want to know that info!

If someone has nothing to hide, they will vounteer any info you want,at the right time!

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 10:22 AM | Link to this

oh! Mocha, yea..ha ha! Ya’ll are hilarious with the digging! Yea, it’s a COX owned website/paper too. :)

By JJ

April 27, 2007 10:23 AM | Link to this

I’d rather see a health card, versus a background check. I can get over a lying married man, but not an STD.

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 10:25 AM | Link to this

@Dr. Kym I think you are taking this waaay out of context! You know what I mean!

@NC If your concern is that great about meeting a stalker dude, then you need to check out the places you meeting dudes and the type of dudes you attract!

I have met a total of (2) two women who were crazy my entire life and I have kicked it with maaany chicks!

If you are meeting a series of crazy dudes,it might be you!

You are what you attract!

By Suga&Spice

April 27, 2007 10:25 AM | Link to this

LL-what dont you do?

By kinderbabe

April 27, 2007 10:26 AM | Link to this

mocha yes, i’m ready for the weekend for sure.:) do you still plan to do yard work? i hope the rain holds off b/c i need to cut my grass.

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 10:26 AM | Link to this

ForReal What did you say? I couldn’t hear you over the BS detector!! lol

LDD Exactly!!

Chick: Baby, if we’re gonna take this to the next level I feel I should do a background check on you.

Crazy Dude: What, @itch, you don’t believe errythang I dun told you!!

Chick: But baby, I just wanna be sure you’re not crazy!!

CD: WTF!! I dun told you exactly what I wanted you to know. ^uck this, where’s my dayum ax……imma sho you!!

Chicks body later discovered dismembered and buried in Crazy Dudes back yard!!!

By MusingLee

April 27, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this

Morn’in All,

Slim You are crazyyy..LOLOL

I’m sorry I have to agree with the guys…Wise your girl Elle shouldn’t be trying to move away to some dude who isn’t even at home himself…Hahahahaha…Why the hellz would I move somewhere listening to some chick talk about how shes gonna treat me when she gets home from outta space? I hope you slapped some sense into her…LOLOLOL

Wise: You Moving Where?!?!?! For Who?!?!

SMACKKK

By kinderbabe

April 27, 2007 10:30 AM | Link to this

dr.kym thanks for the info. i did the google search and when i typed in my screen name it did take me to the blogs where i made comments or someone mentioned my screen name in a comment.

By Mochalatte Peach with Extra Cream

April 27, 2007 10:30 AM | Link to this

WD Yeah I know, it’s just so tragic. I think about it all the time when I’ve been dating lately. What are the signs? Will I see them before it’s too late? My mom is now much more protective than ever since all of these rash murders. Even the girl in TX home for spring break and her boyfriend killed her and burned her body for days on a barbeque grill!!! I think, of all the times that your neighbors can be nosy, why couldn’t it have been around the time that he first started the grill up and they noticed the foul odor? I just hope there will be justice in both cases!

By SlimDiva

April 27, 2007 10:30 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone,

Everytime Mr. Navyman was deployed I snooped because he never lived on base for more than a month or two. He said it was because he wanted me to be able to visit whenever I wanted to and that’s exactly what I did…I visited when he LEAST expected for me to. I already had my suspicions, I just had to ensure that I was right. The sad part is that he told the female he was married, but she didn’t care. She just had to have him.

There are some faithful military men and women. We never had any issues prior to this, but when his behavior changed, I knew that there was something wrong. I took it upon myself to find out what it was. When you go looking for something, you always find it.

I have no regrets. I still have feelings for him, but if I can’t trust him, I can’t love him!

Now, that I’m back on the dating scene, I perform background checks. I have to do what’s best for me!

By Museq

April 27, 2007 10:31 AM | Link to this

No, it’s not that deep and I would never stoop to those levels in a dating situation. In fact, it seems to be a little intrusive to go digging behind someone’s back like that. For SAFETY reasons, I’d imagine mostly women do these things, but still, if I found out someone did it to me, it would end my interest moving forward with her. Sometimes, all of this science and technology goes a bit too far.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 10:32 AM | Link to this

JJ, VERY good point. You know with the HIPAA laws, medical info is virtually impossible to access, unless you “know people”.

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 10:33 AM | Link to this

JJ good point!!

Kym I did the screenname, and I saw the info. But it’s the real name and email addy that I didn’t find. Now mind you, I don’t type my real email addy in the box when posting because you don’t have to. So i just put in anything….lol

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 10:34 AM | Link to this

LL and again I say to you..Are you asking old girls permission before you contact her ex’s or are you going through her purse when she sleeps? I seriously want to know how you go about getting a old flame to talk to you about someone. I know my friends and my family and they are very protective so why some guy maybe checking me he better know my cell will ring with Kym some dude is sniffing around for info on you.

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 10:34 AM | Link to this

If someone has nothing to hide, they will vounteer any info you want,at the right time!

And if they do have something to hide, when do you suppose is the right time for someone to find that out? After they’ve asked politely and been lied to? Before or after they’ve been injured or killed? Before or after their child has been hurt by this person? I think you are much too idealistic about the fact that crazy people exist in this world, and that you’ve probably run across a few and didn’t know it. And if running background checks is what you do for a living, then you’d also know that there are many services that people can use on the internet that do not notify the person who is being checked. Googling is all well and good, but even Google doesn’t always have the information a single mom would need to protect her child.

Obviously you feel that a background check would be an invasion of your privacy, despite the fact that the information is not, in fact, private. I can go to any courthouse in this state and get a certified copy of a criminal record for a couple of bucks. All I need is a name and birthdate. And it’s admissible in court. I’ve done it many times for a court case. I’d be a fool not to protect myself personally. Sorry, but we will have to disagree on this issue.

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 10:34 AM | Link to this

Island Girl/Lurker I can understand the unsettling feeling…but I just think that if I liked the person enough I would be understanding because of the climate we live in today…I would understand that there was no malicious intent made and they’re really just trying to protect themselves the best way they thought they could. I just wouldn’t hold it against them…

The reason that I think, if you’re going to do, that you do it b4 you get into a serious relationship is because at that time, you’re invested. It’s good to have that information as soon as possible…if you’re interested in dating them. Again, I think of the CNN incident…I think she saw some signs but didn’t know how to interpret them in the beginning…giving dude the benefit of the doubt…but with information…she would have known that he didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. He not only fooled her, but her family as well. I mean, her father loaned him the car to take her mother to work that same morning. He must have been a true con man….but his record would have told on him….

By Suga&Spice

April 27, 2007 10:38 AM | Link to this

Geesh, I just did a google search and found posts I posted on here in 2005!!

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this

@NC If your concern is that great about meeting a stalker dude, then you need to check out the places you meeting dudes and the type of dudes you attract!

That has to be one of the most insane and ignorant things I think I’ve ever heard you say!!! First, if you had a clue, you’d know that stalkers come in all shapes and sizes, just like drunks, child molesters, rapists and serial killers. So, I guess it would be my fault if some guy from the gym, my office or the local grocery store latched on to me and decided that he was not going to take no for an answer? Is that what you’re saying? Wow! I can’t even begin to tell you how much that statement p!sses me off. Just ignorant.

By SCchick

April 27, 2007 10:46 AM | Link to this

In reference to your comments SlimOne

“Folks why would the man go so far as to have her uproot herself to move to his state if he indeed is married. That seems like a big childish game and dealing with someone’s life.”

People do this, myself for instance I met this guy while I was in the military…he seemed nice and like someone you could trust, etc. However, I found out a few months later after it was too late, that he was married. He never even told me he was and I never had any reasons to suspect that he was! When I found out he said that he was getting a divorce. So, I asked if I could speak with his soon to be ex-wife and I did and I asked her if they were getting a divorce and she said YES and that it was okay for him to see other people. My problem with this was why didn’t he tell me from the start, but he had his reasons of not telling me. One I wouldn’t have gotten myself involved with him if I had known ahead of time!! It was too late because I became pregnant and we were discussing me moving here to Georgia from California to be a family, etc. That was a big mistake on my part!! We eventually broke up because I found out more lies, him and his wife are still messing around or what not and I don’t think they will ever get a divorce. He now has another child that was born in Nov. of 06 by another woman in another state and he had asked her to move to Georgia as well. I found out about her because she called me out of no where to ask questions put things together. She was doing some snooping of her own!! So, I highly recommend people doing some investigation on their mate if they feel suspicious!! I did do a background check on him, after I found out about him being married. I just wanted to see if they’re was anything else he was hiding. But I didn’t find anything and it didn’t even listed that he was married. Everything else on the report was accurate though. So, now when I date people I do a background check just to make sure there not crazy or have any secrets. It’s also good to ask people about them if you know people that know them!! That helps as well!!

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 10:47 AM | Link to this

@Dr. Kym I have a slight advantage in getting references, because I am from here and know quite a few folks, so after meeting someone and gathering a little bit of info,I can usually drop a name with a college,church,company the person works for or sorority to a friend or two of mine and get instant info,then go from there!

Sorta like, hey man, I met Jill Jones, who went to FAMU, AKA chick, graduated 94, you know her? My boy, yeah, I know that chick!!! She used to date my 02”…Word! What she like? She aiiight!

She did my 02 wrong and I have heard a few stories bout ole girl,so I say hit and quit it bruh!

Chick is automatically demoted to a tier 3 chick!

There is six degrees of separation with folks nowadays,so it is not that hard to know what you are dealing with pretty quickly!

If I did not find out any alarming info through my initial scouting reports,I would leave it at that level,until I determined that I wanted something more with that person.

By Island Girl

April 27, 2007 10:47 AM | Link to this

The problem is folks like to rush….eveything has to go fast. Dayum……

I understand there are nut cases out there, but over time “what is done in the dark, will come to light”. Thank God I’ve never had to deal with someone who turned out to be a murder, abuser, drug addict, etc.

With time and conversation, a lier will always reveal him/her self.

The news reported that the CNN shooting victim knew a little about her ex’s criminal history early on. He told her he spent some time in jail, he did not tell her the full truth.

I’m sorry…just mention jail to me and thats it. I’m out.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 10:50 AM | Link to this

Clearly, LL you have NOT had a stalker before. I have had one, a POLICEMAN, one resourceful, pain in the azz dude that straight took me through drama. It was NOT like he had a friggin neon sign. I used to think cops were responsible, sane, and psychologically stable individuals, ummm when I was young and dumb…now, regardless of occupation, I am cautious, EXTREMELY cautious. ESPECIALLY when I meet your so called “alibis, references, family”

as if they don’t lie!

By Ronnie

April 27, 2007 10:50 AM | Link to this

Once I dated this girl who called my employer to verify my employment status because she “didn’t want to date no hobo.” That relationship didn’t last real long.

By The Truth

April 27, 2007 10:50 AM | Link to this

Good morning bloggers. This looks like its going to be a beautiful day, and hopefully weekend.

On the military thing, its hard to deal that way because they think in 12-36 months blocks. Its a mindset as much as anything. A buddy of mine in Germany dated a girl for 2 years and after he transferred she called to talk with him. He hadn’t even told her he was leaving. That was cold blooded.

Slim1 and Peach I worked at a prison for quite a few yrs and must admit I was amazed at how many dudes would flip at he drop of a hat. I mean washing their mans clothes and the whole thing. Some of these guys reminded me of cats I grew up with and they would catch like nobodies business. They just didn’t have the fight in them for that type of enviroment. It got to be funny unlocking doors in the morning and seeing 2 men hugged up after a nite of lovemaking. Most of these guys you would talk to on the street. Final point, ladies there are some cats out there with some MAJOR mental problems. Be careful, please. Dating nowadays is full contact.

On background checks. Time will reveal all I need to know. We all know when the talk and walk aren’t matching up. We choose to overlook it to enjoy that high. If we are thinking about being together for life a year or two is not going to hurt us, I’d rather put in time so I can make a good decision.

Slim1 I bet you are a wonderful lover because you have a wild imagination. If nothing else you’d have a guy cracking his ribs from laughter.

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 10:51 AM | Link to this

Background checks aren’t going to always paint a clear picture for you, if at all. To my knowledge, the guy that shot up Virginia Tech didn’t have anything out of the ordinary in his files. I don’t even think he ever got in trouble or had a criminal record. Sometimes crazy doesn’t show up on white paper.

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 10:54 AM | Link to this

@NC Depends on how you take my comment!

I think the majority us folks don’t meet crazy folk!

All of us have met a dude or chick or two that was not right, but if your focus is shifted in that direction or you meeting more than a few of them, I would check myself!

I think more than a few folks are pretty good judges of character, but a few slip through the cracks!

Typically,if you meet a man, who is very stable in his personal and professional life, this would be a pretty good indicator of his character!

Maybe you should focus more on that!

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 10:54 AM | Link to this

NC I was just going to say the samething. So ^5.

By MusingLee

April 27, 2007 10:55 AM | Link to this

SCchick All I can say is awwwwww dayummmmmm! Its sad, but a lot of folks don’t wake up until they fall for at least 1 banana in the tailpipe…And if they move too fast they’ll get 2 bananas in the dual exhaust…Dang girl.

By Jake

April 27, 2007 10:56 AM | Link to this

what up folks: I’m in Lurksville, but snooping is never permissible. Hey, Sexi, I saw your public information statement, I could live with that, but if can’t respect a person’s privacy, then you don’t respect them. As for not wanting to be tricked or fooled or whatever, if you open those eyes and ears, nobody can con you that well when you ae consistently in close quarters.

Slim (funniest line of the day, so far)

Seeing him was like looking at Sasquash in a ballerina outfit.….LMAO

I wish amudderfugger would make a key to my ish without permission, but I don’t let anybody have nanh to have the opportunity.

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 10:58 AM | Link to this

That has to be one of the most insane and ignorant things I think I’ve ever heard you say!!! Stick around NC, and he’ll say even more!!!! And the most ignorant is that he’ll believe some hearsay and think it’s the gospel, but won’t have sense enough to find the facts!!! How dumb azz is that?!! lol

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 10:58 AM | Link to this

Disclaimer, not all cops are crazy. I don’t want to get any e-stalkers, LOL

By T-Mango

April 27, 2007 10:58 AM | Link to this

I’m still hearing crickets on my question to the blog males.

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 10:59 AM | Link to this

LL I don’t have a problem meeting stable men. You’re missing the point. The point is that wolves do come in sheep’s clothing and you are being extremely naive if you think that just being a good judge of character is going to be enough to keep someone safe.

I’m not going to argue w/ you any further about this, b/c you are making this a personal issue about me, and you know absolutely nothing about me. Trust me, I am quite content and happy with the men that I date, and fortunately, I have not been in a situation where I’ve had to defend myself against a man. But, I am also smart enough to know that I can’t be too careful. Clearly, you have not had the experience WD explained above, and you seem to want to blame the victim for whatever happens to him or her. I pray that you are never the victim of violent crime.

By Suga&Spice

April 27, 2007 10:59 AM | Link to this

90% of the folks you meet on a daily are crazy/have crazy in them. It is just that you can’t usually recognize it unless their crazy out weighs your own.

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 11:01 AM | Link to this

@Wise Lurker Long sigh again.. Yes, I have had a stalker before. Even had a chick call my job once and left a VM for my boss trying to get me fired!

I know the routine well!

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 11:03 AM | Link to this

LL I am from Atlanta as well, born and raised. An I am sorry but I dont I would hold much stock in the opinion of someone who knew a guy I met in 1994 and they went out 13 years ago. People eb and flow like the tide…that is like going to a high school reunion and expecting everyone to look and behave like they did 17 years ago. Also why should the opinion of someone with second hand information bear so much weight on my decision who I choose to date? That scene you painted seems like somethig out of highschool musical.

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 11:04 AM | Link to this

lol @ Wise and her disclaimer

Heeeyy Jake, how is getting public info invading someones privacy? If it’s public, then it’s not private, right?

T-Mango I’m still waiting for answers to that one too. Blog men????

By Officer Musirello

April 27, 2007 11:06 AM | Link to this

Wise What did you say about cops.

Musing hops off his “Limited Edition” CHiP’s bike and struts over to the blog desk of Wise…

Ms. I need to see your blog license and computer registation.

Nutts resting nose high to Lady Wise and about 2 inches away

By MusingLee

April 27, 2007 11:10 AM | Link to this

T-Mango The 1st rule in the MLB Handbook is “Protect yourself at all times”….It’s a Man Law that we’ve told the Ladies before…That should answer any question you have asked…

Musing now checks the back of the MLB to make sure no rules were violated

By Raqi

April 27, 2007 11:11 AM | Link to this

Kinda sorta in line with topic,

I was talking with my gfs Wednesday night and my friend Design brought up the subject of the information that we allow our S/O to know and how soon. Well, it was more on the lines of like when you are planning a date and one may say I can’t this weekend because I have some things to do. That’s all the info you get…some things to do. It is what is. She spoke of how now, with her, the guy she is seeing reveals more info about what it is he is doing. For example, I can’t this weekend because I am meeting my brother to do this, that and the other. Although you can only take a person at their word, the more voluntary the info the less “mystery” there is to speculate about. Therefore the less snooping you may feel inclined to do. She was saying how this is really the first time she has really taken notice to this. (Experiences bring revelations). I mentioned how at the start of my relationship with the man how he would put his wallet in the drawer, shut down his computer, keep certain doors in his house closed. As the relationship progressed he started leaving his wallet right there in plain view, he left his computer on even with emails open. He left bank statements in plain view and I had free range to his entire house. Where it took me much longer to be this open with him, not that I had anything to hide, he allowed me to view “him” openly and freely find out anything about him that I may have wanted to know.

I am a believer in if you have nothing to hide then any thing beyond just standard privacy is free range. Everybody likes and needs a certain amount of privacy…only to be revealed at their own pace and discretion.

One thing my brother did “teach” me about men though is they reveal enough to keep us “women” occupied and away from what they don’t want us to know. He may be right or he may have been joshing me. But it is something to think about.

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 11:12 AM | Link to this

@NC This is not personal and you are right,I don’t know you! I am just responding, based on what you are giving me!

As I have stated before on here,I did not grow up in Mayberry,I grew up off bankhead to be exact and I have seen many things and been in many situations!

I am not going to go into detail,but If I have not been through it personally,I know somebody who has!

I do realize that women have more to be concerned about than men in dating, but I think sometimes women bring certain situations on themselves, based on them opening up too soon or giving a man too much access to their lives too early!

I have met chicks,who were too skeptical and met chicks, who were too revealing to me upfront!

It is what it is and you got to pick and choose what info you want to give up at the right time, with the right person!

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 11:12 AM | Link to this

oh,she called your job? how very cute. Did she follow you? Did she send other nutjobs to follow you? Did she break into your garage and vandalize your property? DId she leave you countless voicemails? Now, I am talking about a dude that NEVER hit it! LOL, Imagine how outrageous he would behave if he was SPRUNG or something.

ugh, I hate to even flashback to that friggin SOB. Protective orders are a big joke btw, but you STILL need the paper trail.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 11:13 AM | Link to this

ROTFL @ Musinglee, I can’t stand you, LOL.

By kinderbabe

April 27, 2007 11:15 AM | Link to this

hey jake :)

By Island Girl

April 27, 2007 11:16 AM | Link to this

Yes, wolves do come in sheep’s clothing.

Sometimes we need to check ourselves and see what type of folks we gravitate too.

There is some truth in knowing that you may continously be attracted to the same type of person (mister- I have it together…drives a nice car and wears nice suits, but don’t care about anyone but himself).

Like someone suggested earler, the VA Tech shooter did not have any public records….

F”or each his own”..if it makes you feel safer to run a check on someone, then do so.

Just let me know you plan to go “CIA” on me.

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 11:17 AM | Link to this

@Dr. Kym People many change over time, but typically their core character remains the same!

People who I consider my “friend” I value their opinion!

I have associates,but I don’t call them for references and in 35 years I have been on this earth,their character references generally check out!

By SeanJohnson

April 27, 2007 11:19 AM | Link to this

Sup Blog….on topic…if a female feels the need to do a back ground check…..she is not a female i would deal with…something about that would just have me wondering if SHE isnt a big drama queen…kills me to think that your judge of character could be that bad…u miss obvious things but will over compensate for that and do a background check…thats a bit too much for me. I think from reading the post today…women like men that lie and like drama…and seek out to find it…

By BlatinoBrutha - back from hiatus

April 27, 2007 11:19 AM | Link to this

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

It’s good to be back… Hi to all the Dogs n Poodles, especially NCGirl(thanks for the myspace luv, hun).

OooooK. Got a different spin on things regarding “snooping”. Fellas, please cosign for me on this one:

So I have a girlfriend now, been together about two months. A few weeks ago we’re in the car, and ole girl just up grabs my phone out da console!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is up with ya’ll grabbing the D@MN phones?? I let her know, as lovingly as possible, that she better not EVER touch my phone again, unless we’re married, engaged, or living together. Most of the men I know feel the same way, and a few have dropped girls on the spot for this transgression.

The way I see it, if you feel in any way that it’s something you need to do, then you don’t need to be with me, period. And pleeeeeez don’t come back with the “nothing to hide” response. It’s privacy, pure n simple. And you ladies CERTAINLY would not want us doing it to you!

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 11:20 AM | Link to this

suga It is just that you can’t usually recognize it unless their crazy out weighs your own.

true statement..

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 11:22 AM | Link to this

The Truth wow, that’s crazy! got to be funny unlocking doors in the morning and seeing 2 men hugged up after a nite of lovemaking nasty! Anyway, Yeah i try to keep my laugh meter up. It prolongs your life. glad I could add more time to your card. :-D

Jake You never know, you might see something like it on hotghettomess because buddy definitely was a mess.

Off Topic Did anyone hear on Q100 this morning, this 27 year old guy called in. He’s dating a 17 year old sophmore in HS and he wants to take her to the prom tomorrow. He called to get advice on how to handle meeting the parents. WTF!!!

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 11:25 AM | Link to this

women like men that lie and like drama…and seek out to find it

More ignant talk!

I guess this is a venus and mars discussion…guys say they understand that we have to be more cautious, but you resent a background check…I mean really, you guys say that you’re not crazy, but have you lied and tricked a female into thinking that you may really be interested in her?? But all you really wanted was the booty!! You went into with an agenda and you were pretty convincing….you might have played the role for a 1 or 2 mos….bottom line is that you weren’t a killer, but you were a smooth operator and you knew that you could deceive a female for a period of time.

By MusingLee

April 27, 2007 11:28 AM | Link to this

Slim My advice to buddy would be to have a will prepared…Cause if I was her dad, I’d be gathering my ishh for the pen.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 11:28 AM | Link to this

LL So core character doesnt change? Interesting.. I would grant you that if you were talking about a socipath. But are you the same person you were in college, or high school, do you have the same values then that you hold now? I am approach my 35th year and I know that I am not. Hell I am not the same person I was in my 30th year.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 11:30 AM | Link to this

ohh Slimone, I nearly drove off the rode laughing at that foolishness! What advice does he want besides, RUN FORREST!? LOL LOL dummy!

he better hope and pray that the dad isn’t a card carrying member of the NRA!

I know my father (a former minister!) would drop kick him back from whence he came, LOL!

By Jake

April 27, 2007 11:31 AM | Link to this

Sexi Right, public is public, i could live with that, but it would be a red flag if I found out because it clue me in to your dating paranoia…lol

T-Mango Use what you’ve got, get as much as you can, and enjoy. I not calling you ladies wrong, I’m saying, don’t let a man find out.

After you are are all serious and lovey-dovey, DON”T TELL U CHECKED LIKE THAT, take it to the grave, can you imagine the taste that will leave in someone’s mouth when they have trusted you from jump, only to find out you did a Sherlock Homeboy on’em, not cool..

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 11:31 AM | Link to this

Okay, Blatino she grabbed your phone….and did what with it?

LL No you didn’t say b-head!!!! I grew up off Bankhead too! So I dayum sho know game!!

I think from reading the post today…women like men that lie and like drama…and seek out to find it… Yet another ignorant azz comment!!! y’all a trip!!!

By P.I. SiS

April 27, 2007 11:37 AM | Link to this

Hello Bloggers, I am the P.I. Sis…here are more details that my sister didn’t know. 1st they dated a year prior to his marriage (I found out the date he got married). He actually broke it off with her when his mother died (after she visited the mother several months getting to know her and him) His reasons were he couldn’t handle the relationship after the death of his mother.

Then he called her back in November stating he wanted a second chance. They reconnected until I told her he was married since 9/2005.

He doesn’t know at this point that she knows. He has emailed her from Iraq but she has not responded. I think she should send him a stink bomb but I don’t think the Military will deliver it. LOL!!!

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 11:38 AM | Link to this

LOL @ BlatinoBrutha

I don’t play when it comes to my cell either, but I don’t react too much, I just quietly place it out of reach. LOL.

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 11:39 AM | Link to this

Heeeeeey Blatino!!

Nah, she shouldn’t be grabing the phone. I agree w/ you on that. For me, there’s a difference between getting public information, and checking someone’s phone, email, voicemail or medical/credit report. It’s illegal b/c it actually is private information.

SJ I hear what you’re saying, but again, I don’t think there is anything wrong w/ either person taking steps to protect themselves.

Yes, I agree that people should just ask those questions of each other. But, human nature is to make yourself look as good as possible, especially to someone you either care about (and want them to still care about you), or someone with whom you hope to get something from (bdussy). So, it’s real easy for people to skip over the things they think “aren’t relevant” and only give the good stuff. That’s a lie of ommission, and is no better than a lie of commission.

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 11:39 AM | Link to this

Musing You are funny but speaking the truth. What father in his right mind would be okay with letting his daughter date a guy 10 years her senior and she still in HS? The prom already has the stigma for it being The Day that you get your groove on if you haven’t already.

then they had this knucklehead dad call in and he is allowing his hs daughter to date an older guy. They’ve been dating a year already.

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 11:39 AM | Link to this

Jake sweetie, don’t let me down on this question, would you be mad if she googled your name to see what would come up and she told you she did that?

By SeanJohnson

April 27, 2007 11:40 AM | Link to this

@ DarkDetective,w/Dimples….how is a background check going to protect you from me?? Did you have to get a BG check to get the impression of the type of man u think i am? i learned a LONG time ago…women love men that lie..and yall consider a drama free relationship boring…yall check cell phones..wallets…and God forbid you let a female roam around your house unattended to…straight home invasion…dont yall feel stupid with the background check come back clean?? the signs of a person that is flaw are NOT hard to find…we all grew up with brothers and sisters….and ONE out of the bunch is most likely a big liar..so that should have be prepared you to spot one a mile away…you can get to know somone..ask questions and probe with out snooping or getting a back ground check …like i said last week…the writings will be on the wall…just weather you take the time or really want to read them…

By MusingLee

April 27, 2007 11:41 AM | Link to this

…Blatino stares in Rush Hour 3…

Chick: Who you been talk’in to?!?!

Chick grabs cell phone

Blatino: Hey, Heyyyy…Don’t you eva touch a black man’s cell phone…Remember I’m Michael Jackson you’re Tito.

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 11:42 AM | Link to this

Wise I couldn’t help but wonder what the world is coming to. That’s almost like a dude drapped in steaks, hot dogs, and bacon to himself prancing around a lions den. He should wear a bullet proof vest and carry a can of mace before he gets himself killed at that girls house. The parents don’t even know she has a bf.

When i was 16 I called myself talking to a 21 year old. My mom nipped that in the bud real fast and that was only a difference of 5 years.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 11:42 AM | Link to this

heey PI Sis! blowing kisses

Musinglee, I know that’s right, tell your wife to go head and dial 911, tell them it’s about to go DOWN! LOL

I am hoping that caller was a hoax!

By kimmie

April 27, 2007 11:42 AM | Link to this

Truth - I don’t always agree with your posts, but I appreciated your info today. You are dead on about the military mindset, I have dated a few and they could only think/plan as far as their “assignment” length!

People sometimes accuse women of being either too trusting or paranoid when it comes to relationships with men. The best advice I get usually comes from guys, so to hear another man say “Please be careful” holds a lot of weight with me. An uncle of mine in California used to work in a prison and he told me similiar stories.

Yes, we all know when “things just are not adding up” or we get the feeling that something just isn’t right. My mom used to tell me it’s a way to do everything. If you feel someone is not upfront, there are sublte ways to go about getting your info without setting someone off or alienating someone you truly like but may have questions about. I ALWAYS follow my instincts. I have got the “If you trusted me …” spill before, but each and EVERY time, my instincts were right or even worse than I suspected!

By Suga&Spice

April 27, 2007 11:43 AM | Link to this

LDw/Dimmples-the good thing is when a person can embarce their own crazy. It is always there just takes the right person to set it off.

By BlatinoBrutha - back from hiatus

April 27, 2007 11:47 AM | Link to this

Hey, Sexione!

She just started looking through it. But that’s not the point. The point is you don’t touch it. PERIOD. but she’s off that crap now. she don’t like it, but she won’t touch it now even when i’m asleep.

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 11:48 AM | Link to this

@Dr. Kym Long sigh again… Please re-read my post!

My core character is still the same and will never change! Maybe you need more elaboration…

I was always a dude,who was instilled with traditional values, from two parent’s, who were raised this way!

I chose to sell drugs, run the streets and do many other things I should not have done, when I was young! I chose to become a part of my environment vs. being a part of my upbringing, because I thought it was kewl to be a thug!

My core character was a person who is ambitious,outgoing and helps others and thank god I had someone, who saw my core character and helped me turn my life around, when I was 19 years of age! I did not go to college,until I was 21, with the urging of my mentor!

My overall character has changed drastically, but my core values and character are still the same!

Same goes for men and women today! Yeah, you may think different or you may act different, but your core character is still the same!

If you hit the lotto today, it will only enhance what you already are!

If you were giving, you will be more giving! If you were a selfish SOB, you will be an even bigger SOB, with money!

Get it,Got it!

By T-Mango

April 27, 2007 11:49 AM | Link to this

@MusingLee-That’s fair. But, apparently every man does not subscribe to that law. I think it’s great that you do.

By BlatinoBrutha - back from hiatus

April 27, 2007 11:49 AM | Link to this

runnin to lunch… be back in a few….

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 11:51 AM | Link to this

Musing that goes for moms too….or ones like me anyway!!

It’s lunch time!!

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 11:51 AM | Link to this

BlatinoBrutha I’ve had my cell phone invaded, my email invaded, my cell phone call history invaded…so it’s not just women my friend.

Wise lol, Dad will beat his behind while listening to Maxwell, Beat His Butt till the Cops Come Knocking. lol

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 11:57 AM | Link to this

SeanJ I think I have a pretty good ability to read someone’s character and I’ve never felt a need to do a background check. Probably because of the reason that you and others mention…time and instinct w/careful observation. But I guess I’m NOT too full of myself to think it’s impossible to be fooled. I just wouldn’t say that it could NEVER happen to me. So, with that being said, I can understand why some ladies will take this route. I don’t understand why the men feel it’s such a violation….the method…but in LL’s world it’s okay to ask around. So, why hate the process…people are doing what they feel they need to do to protect themselves…why can’t you use the argument on yourselves? Why ask about your girl to other dudes/people that may know her….just find out on your own through dating?

Also, it seems like the men’s arguement is if you find yourself with a crazy then it’s your fault for not knowing…..you’re blaming the person for being deceived when many make it a way of life to deceive…they’ve perfected the game!

By Suga&Spice

April 27, 2007 11:58 AM | Link to this

Here is a reason to do a background check. A guy friend of mine was dating this chick for about 5 months. Last weekend he found a marriage certificate dated in March 2007!!! Seems ole girl decided to marry an African man for $5,000. The guy needed to stay in the country.

I kept telling him something was a little off with this chick. He felt it but didnt listen to his gut

By DuShawn

April 27, 2007 11:59 AM | Link to this

I am not the same person I was in my 30th year. Kym I agree, to a certain extent, that one’s core character does not change. Character is not obtained it’s instilled. Younger individuals with honorable character often make poor decisions and do foul things, but their moral compass makes them uncomfortable with their misgivings. As one gets older they tend to make better decisions and live life more balanced, that’s a result of wisdom and life experiences, but I don’t believe their core character changes. It was always there.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 12:01 PM | Link to this

hey DuShawn! Did you and your wife enjoy the concert?

By MusingLee

April 27, 2007 12:01 PM | Link to this

Wise

Musing on the phone with the cops

Meet me at the spot, it’s going downnnnn…Meet me in the yard, it’s going downnnnn….Anywhere I see him best believe it’s going downnnn…

Musing now Joc’in and whooping a dudes’azz at the same time

By Raqi

April 27, 2007 12:05 PM | Link to this

PI Sis tell her to bounce his emails back to him. If that don’t get the message across…

It’s like calling someone at a number that you know you just spoke to them on a fews days ago and then having the person answering to the phone to tell the caller that they have the wrong number. It confuses the crap out of them and sends a message. My sister did it all the time.

By DuShawn

April 27, 2007 12:06 PM | Link to this

Wise yeah we had a nice time.

By Mochalatte Peach with Extra Cream

April 27, 2007 12:08 PM | Link to this

Well I’m not sure about the whole check someone out thing, but I guess “googling” him/her wouldn’t hurt. I mean because think about it, he/she could be the person that murdered her family back a couple of years ago and got time in JUV!! Now they all up in your spot trying to get cozy and plotting your murder in two weeks.

I had never considered doing this to anyone until I met a girl who wanted to do it for me!! She was concerned that I was meeting someone for a date and figured that she would “dogpile” them on my behalf. I had heard of it in movies, but had never known anyone to do it until I met her. It’s a crazy world she said! It just so happened that the guy wasn’t listed. But my question is: Was that a bad thing or a good thing?

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 12:10 PM | Link to this

Lurker I don’t understand how you can say that your core values haven’t changed if you used to deal drugs and has stopped that destructive behavior. The person who deals drugs’ core value system is: fugg everyone else, I need to get mine, I have no respect for the law and for those in authority. When you know better you do better…and you evolve. It sounds like your core character has changed….but I do detect some selfish behavior still present

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 12:15 PM | Link to this

Musing & Wise If i was the dad, I’d do a Color Purple on his behind.

Dad: son I hear you tryin to court my daughter Slim. Do you know how old Slim is?

Dude: yes sir. she’s 17 sir.

Dad: boy, i nos you ain’t back talkin me boy! Do yous know how old you iz?

Dude: yes sir, I’m 26.

Dad: well, Slim is my baby gurl. And yous too old fa my baby. But I’ll make a deal wit cha

Dude: but…

Dad: don’t cut me off boy when i’m talkin to ya! Now you can’t take my Slim to da prom but you sho can take my annie mae to the senior citizen dance down at the community center.

Dude: um?

Dad: did you hear me boy? Speak when i’m talkin to ya. Matter of fact she already dressed. Here’s $5, stop and get her something nice. Have fun…oh and son?

Dude head hanging low..yes sir

Dad: she ain’t got no tonsils and them dentures she got. She’s a wild one I tell you what. laughing hysterically, dad passes dude 3-pack of flavored condoms

By Jake

April 27, 2007 12:16 PM | Link to this

Cosigning Blatino on the phone etiquette, too bad he hasn’t realized that this will be happening again,if she grabbed it, she’s a checker, sleep light buddy…lol

LDD

I would not be mad, but I’m old school and honest, so ask me what you want to know. Like this:

Chick: You ever been locked up? Jake: I haven’t been to the pen, but I’ve been arrested once or twice, nothin major, didn’t even put on the jumpsuit.

Chick: Hey, do you smoke green?

Jake: I ain’t no pothead, but I used to get high, wish I still could, but they random at the spot.

Chick: You don’t get all fugged up do you? Jake: I’m not a drunk, but I have had some good times that ended by the toilet….before I get at it tonight Imma yell, look out liver, here comes the liquor!!…LOL

See how easy that is….HEHEHEHE

By cool breeze

April 27, 2007 12:20 PM | Link to this

doing a background check is making someone a suspect from the start. Goes back to hurt, jaded, paranoid people looking for reaons to exclude people instead of “including” them for dates. If you are not ready to trust anyone you aren’t ready to be dating. Even if person has a “clean background” they can still be a straight azz so it’s really a waste of time. I have never checked on a girl I was going to go out with and never had a any issues with any of them. I am confident in the girls I choose to date they will be of the right character because of the person that I am.

By T-Mango

April 27, 2007 12:22 PM | Link to this

@Jake No doubt, Agreed…

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 12:23 PM | Link to this

@Lady Dark w/Dimples WOW!!!

Lady,I don’t know what your background is, but you are totally wrong!

You cannot lump every cat that is in the game/situation to have the same attitude,that is totally rediculous!

Cat’s sell drugs and do different things for different reasons!

I still have many close friends,who still sell drugs,that I grew up with and each of them do it for different reasons and more than a few don’t have the attitude that you just put out there! A few want to get out the game, but cannot, because of fear that they will be killed!

I am not involved anymore and they do not involve me in their dealings, but I know if I got into a clutch situation,they would be there for me!

You cannot make generalizations,based on what you don’t know! That is the problem with our society today!

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 12:24 PM | Link to this

LLI agree with Dark sounds like you core character has changed but then again you could say the old quote of..You take a person out of the hood cant take the hood out of the person.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 12:24 PM | Link to this

LOL @ Slimone, Jake, AND Musinglee, you guys are on a roll today..just comedy!

By H

April 27, 2007 12:29 PM | Link to this

My ex did a background check on my current sig other. He called me up with the “did you know…” blah, blah. Of course I knew. My sig other is very open about his past and our future as I am open about mine. We all make mistakes. I do have to admit, I checked court public records for the finalization date of his divorce. It’s not at that I didn’t believe him, it’s what kind of moran would let a great man like him go!

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 12:30 PM | Link to this

aww, dang..wait, what’s wrong with having some hood in you Dr. Kym, LOL. (Ok, Status Ain’t Hood is playin in my head now). I know I let my “alabama country girl” come out at LEAST once a month, it’s a part of who I am! :) I embrace her.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 12:32 PM | Link to this

LL Let me get this straight you are about to type up in here and justify the selling of drugs in our society.

It is Friday so I will borrow this quote because there is no point in even addressing that on such a beautiful day..

And the servants of the beneficent God are they who walk on the earth in humbleness, and when the ignorant address them they say Peace -The Koran 25:63

By SeanJohnson

April 27, 2007 12:34 PM | Link to this

@ CoolBreeze…i feel your last post..just another way to EXCLUDE someone…background check..credit check..finger prints…package check…a brother gotta be bonded to date these days..

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 12:36 PM | Link to this

Lurker Don’t be so surprised…sit back down If I made a wrong assessment about you…I stand corrected…but I’m NOT totally wrong because there are dudes that sell for those reasons I mentioned and I grew up in the streets of Cincinnati….my high school had the chains on them with the cops patroling the yards. NEway, the point I was making is that people’s core character and values can change….it comes from new information….and once you (not you specifically) come to Christ he’ll change your core values…..that’s really the point I was making. Some people have life experiences that will shake their entire foundation….core values/character traits can evolve…good or bad!

By Suga&Spice

April 27, 2007 12:38 PM | Link to this

Dr.Kym- I keep my hood card in my back pocket and will play it whenever it is necessary. Some people dont respond to or even understand logic and reason and when I come up on those folks I will very politely pull West Baltimore out of my back pocket.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 12:42 PM | Link to this

WD I dont have a problem with hood…or country…you are who you are. Heck I am a little bit country mouse and a little bit city mouse…with some hippie, bohamian rolled in for good measure. But my point is that we all change some of us do a 180..and others do a 360. Some do a 720 backwards.

By DuShawn

April 27, 2007 12:43 PM | Link to this

LDD “When you know better you do better…and you evolve.” In essence that’s the definition of character. I have to agree with LL that one’s core character remains constant. Honorable character does not prevent you from making poor decisions. It enables you to know better so consequently you do better. A person’s character does not evolve. People evolve as a result of their character. Thus the phrase “I know I wasn’t raised like this.” One’s character will not allow them to accept doing the wrong thing. They have a conscious, that tiny voice. People with a lack of character have no conception of when their living foul and no desire to live honorably. They don’t have that little voice telling them ”we gotta do better that this””

By Chocolate Peach

April 27, 2007 12:45 PM | Link to this

DEFINITELY co signing Blatino Brutha 11:19 post.

That’s a NO!! NO!!! On both parts. Man nor woman have a right (In my relationships) to pick up neither one’s phone. That’s has always been a rule of mine, It wasnt even something that had to be discussed you just knew that from jump street, It’s out of respect.

If you’re married that could be a differ situation however I was with my son father for 4 yrs, live together & he paid the bill but he dare to ever pick up my phone.

That’s a sure way to get yourself FIRED!!!!

By DuShawn

April 27, 2007 12:45 PM | Link to this

I’m not a proponent of background checks. (I may feel differently if I was a female.) Often what a person did in their past doesn’t concern me. My opinion will be based solely on their interactions with me and the things that I have observed. If you spend a significant amount of time with a person their true character will surface at some point. Background checks will reveal criminal activity, but for character flaws and psychotic behavior I’m of the opinion that personal observation and the knowledge to recognize strange shyt serves best.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 12:47 PM | Link to this

I do agree with the fellas on one point (to a degree) and this relates back to what I heard Boris Kodjoe talking about on V103 yesterday (I think they were @ Justin’s restuarant promoting the play).

Anyway, he said when you are ready (spiritually, emotionally, and all the other important growth areas), then you will attract the right person. I think that he meant when he said ready, is that your spirit of discernment is on point, you are in no hurry to force anyone that doesn’t fit into your life, you have the maturity to handle WHATEVER comes your way, and you learn in the experiences you have.

I definitely grew a lot from psycho stalker dude, and I am happy to report that no crazy men have managed to find their way into my life. Not to say they don’t exist, and don’t try though, LOL. I have a “keep it moving crazy” weeding out procedure!

By "Longtime Lurker"

April 27, 2007 12:55 PM | Link to this

@Dushawn frat,thanks for stepping in! I can’t even type no mo to Kym and a few others, either you get it or you don’t!

I am out folks, see you at the park tomorrow!

By BlatinoBrutha - back from hiatus

April 27, 2007 1:06 PM | Link to this

@ Jake n T-Mango….

I never said I actually trust her not to. Best believe the lock code STAYS activited on my call history, message history, n photos at allll times when I’m with her. That way, if she looks, she wouldn’t find anything anyway, and if she wanted to get mad, she couldn’t tell me cuz I’d know she tried to look again. Thank god for lock codes.

By Grace

April 27, 2007 1:07 PM | Link to this

Wisa Diva……..Boris got nerve! Many people don’t know this but his current wife was married when she started doing the series “Soul Food” for Showtime. I have read many interviews with the 2 of them & you will never hear her use the word ex-husband. Nicole always says Boris & I meet when I was in a bad relationship. Sister 2 Sister was the only magazine that reported that she was actually married.

Now if what they have works for them, well more power to them. I personally have never seen a situation where someone take up with another persons wife or husband and it has a happy ending. There is always a first.

By MusingLee

April 27, 2007 1:10 PM | Link to this

Wise see the problem is you Ladies need to “Out Crazy” the crazies…Now you could have gotten rid of crazy cop dude by being crazier…

Cop dude sitting out front of Wise’s crib at 2am

Dude: I’m gonna watch her’azz tonight, make sure nobody hit’in my stash.

10 minutes later Wise exits her house with a roll of tissue, some funyons, and a Jet Magazine…….Wise walks over to his cruiser without speaking a word…Hops in the backseat spills the Funyons, takes a ishhh and wipes her’azz with the toilet paper, and reads 3 minutes from her Jet magazine and re-enters the house

Dude calls Wise on the phone the next morning

Dude: WTFFF did you ishh in my car for.

Wise: OMG, was that you?!?! I thought I was dreaming again.

Dude is never heard from again

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 1:13 PM | Link to this

Wise have a “keep it moving crazy” weeding out procedure!

I can see you now in a labcoat and black rimmed glasses.

Wise: okay baby could you please stand on the white line, cover your right eye and read me what you can see.

Prospect: steps up to line, covers eye and begins reciting letters A R E Y O U

Wise: Okay next line

Prospect: P S Y C H O

Wise: good, good. try to read that last line.

Prospect: um…it’s really small.

Wise: don’t be a wuss, try

Prospect: okay…A R E Y O U C R A Z Y

Wise: well are you?

Prospect: am I what?

Wise: Hmm?…starts writing in notebook mumbling to herself slightly delusional, bi-polar, crazy….hmmm.

Prospect: what did you say? Did you just say i was crazy?!!!.

Wise: oh no of course not. I said your reading ability is Amazing.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 1:13 PM | Link to this

wow, really Grace? I had no idea. I think what he says still holds merit though.

By MusingLee

April 27, 2007 1:17 PM | Link to this

Hahahahaha Slim….Dang..LOLOLOL

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 1:19 PM | Link to this

ROTFL!!!

ya’ll please, stop it! I am SOO going to get fired today. I have to close my office door!!

ha ha ha ha haha ha hahahaha!

ok, are you guys drinking at work or something!? whew wiping my eyes

It’s Def Comedy Jam today, LOL!!!

By Will C.

April 27, 2007 1:21 PM | Link to this

I should have done a background check on a few of the ladies I dated. One in particular completely lied about her past and we ended up moving in together. Low and behold, the truth began to slowly come out. The one that hurt the most was that she had 3 kids instead of 1. The other 2 were living with her mom.

I would encourage people to do a little research before you invite someone to move in with you because you may be surprised at what you find.

Rich Guys Trophy Wife Hot Girls Speed Dating http://www.richguystrophywife.com/

101 Dating Ideas for Atlanta Singles http://books.lulu.com/content/59240

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 1:22 PM | Link to this

Musing just the thought of someone eating period while taking a crap is hilarious in itself….LOLOLOL!

By justin2

April 27, 2007 1:24 PM | Link to this

Soooo off topic…does anyone know a good lawyer in the ATL for child custody cases? Thanks in advance

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 1:25 PM | Link to this

Will C you hadn’t met her mom prior to you and her moving in, and how long did you two date?

By The Truth

April 27, 2007 1:27 PM | Link to this

Hey ev1. I just want to say I’ve enjoyed blogging with you this week and I hope you all get everything you want in life. Really, happiness is your birthright. Don’t settle for less. With that being said this will be my last post. I wish you all the best.

Slim1 you give pillow talk a whole new meaning.

P.S. I’ll still be lurking.

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 1:30 PM | Link to this

Awwww……dayum, Justin is that you?

Jake you are stoopid!!! I ain’t no pothead, but I used to get high, wish I still could, but they random at the spot. Yes, you may be the upfront brutha, but really, how many dudes are out there doing the same? Hellz, women too?!!

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 1:32 PM | Link to this

The Truth why is this your last post if you enjoy blogsville so much?

By Officer Musirello

April 27, 2007 1:37 PM | Link to this

Officer accused of forcing couples to have sex

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over???

Couple: No Officer, why?

Officer: Well this man is wanted for serious crimes….Now, I’ll allow him to go free if you two have sex right here, right now.

Dude now pays Officer Musirello $200 bucks for getting him some six nights straight…

By SmileyC

April 27, 2007 1:43 PM | Link to this

Interesting topic, I have ran 2 background check, one on a previous boyfriend and one on my current boyfriend. I would never let them find out I did that!! I did the first bf because I was just catching him in lies so I wanted to make sure everything was good. The 2nd time was recently, the only reason I did this one was because of the CNN thing…both of there records were good. So, no worries there…

BlatinoBrutha that is so funny about you locking your phone!

My current boyfriend and I we just got back together about a month ago. I checked his phone one day in the beginning of our relationship, cause it annoyed me how much time he spends texting people. So, I wanted to see who was he texting or what not. So, I read the messages (I know so wrong!) Turns out, he was sending messages back and forth to other females…One of the text I saw he was trying to tell the female he didn’t want to deal with her anymore and she just didn’t want to hear that! The other text to other females were just small talk, nothing for me to get upset over. Of course I didn’t say anything to him about it..cause then he would know I was going through his phone. So, now when I try to look at his phone he has it locked. Of course I’m not like why you have your phone lock…cause I’m not suppose to be looking through it in the first place…I presume he knows I looked through it and that’s why its lock now, it makes me wonder if there is something else going on though…lately he doesn’t really text much…but that girl he was trying to get rid of is calling me hanging up in stuff!! How childish!!! She is 9yrs my senior!!!

I know it’s her because she talked to me the first day she called me and I asked her how she got my number!! She was like well, I know people who work at the phone company and I got them to do me a favor by pulling up his phone history, etc. This chick is crazy!!

This is also causing tension in my relationship with him…because the girl will not leave us alone!!

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 1:44 PM | Link to this

Believe or not DuShawn I agree with you!! I do believe that personal observation is the way to weed out the crazies. But, I also believe that people aren’t always honest in their actions or intentions. It is quite easy for you to get caught up in the relationship and not notice the crazy until it’s too late. I do not use background checks as a way to exclude, as SJ indicated. They do, however, give you a good indication of whether or not you’re dealing w/ someone with a dangerous past. It’s up to me, at that point, to decide if I want to give him the benefit of age and wisdom, or not. I ran a background check on a guy that I’m still talking to, and his didn’t come up sparkling. But, that’s ok. I wasn’t looking for it to be prestine. People make mistakes. What I don’t think LL gets is that for many of us, it’s merely a protection tool. Nothing more. No,I don’t want to date a convicted rapist, child molester, or wife beater. That’s my choice, and I should have the right to make an informed choice. If you choose not to check on me, that’s your choice. If I ask you if you’ve ever been arrested or spent any time in jail/prison, and you tell me yes, and for what…then I can make the decision at that point whether or not I want to stick around. But, if you don’t tell me, especially when I ask, then I don’t think you have the right to get p!ssed that I did my own checking and caught you in a lie.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 1:45 PM | Link to this

Musing Proof positive that even sexual predators and crazies have real jobs and that everyone needs to be investigated..like that guy who was a APD recruit…background check revealed he was wanted for bank robbery.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 1:55 PM | Link to this

hold up, wait a minute, FLAG ON THE PLAY! SmileyC, sweetie, honey, sugar…you are wrong, wrong, wrong for that, and I am going to say, in my opinion, YOU need to woman up and address stuff with your man DIRECTLY, don’t continue to pry and snoop when you haven’t even spoken to him about your concerns — umm or have you?

By MusingLee

April 27, 2007 1:57 PM | Link to this

I know it’s her because she talked to me the first day she called me and I asked her how she got my number!! She was like well, I know people who work at the phone company…

SmileyC I have people who work at the phone company too…They’re names are “Caller ID” and “The White Pages”….Either your dude called her from your house or she knows your full name…Either way, it’s very simple to get a phone number.

By SeanJohnson

April 27, 2007 1:58 PM | Link to this

@ SmileyC….how would u have felt if your boyfriend told you it was over because u invaded his privacy and looked in his phone? seems like women being insecure actually lead to them ..themselves not being trustworthy…i am sorry but if i cant lay my phone around you….or my wallet…i dont need to be around you..

By DuShawn

April 27, 2007 2:02 PM | Link to this

I want to revisit my previous position on background checks. Earlier, I stated that I wasn’t a proponent. However, in some instances I will utilize them. I’m doing a Background check on every male my daughters date. As soon as I meet them I’m asking them for some ID.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 2:07 PM | Link to this

Dang, Sean..you broke that down! Seriously..I am inclined to agree with you. REAL TALK, giving SeanJ the manly hand pound AND head nod

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 2:11 PM | Link to this

^5 to Dr. Kym on your 1:45 post.

By katie

April 27, 2007 2:14 PM | Link to this

What ever happened to trust?? If a potential date wanted personal info on me I’d walk away right there. I wouldn’t snoop on anyone else either. If I was in a place where I felt I had to do that then the relationship would end. We should never put ourselves in positions where we have to background check our potential mates—that’s just plane crazy..

By SmileyC

April 27, 2007 2:15 PM | Link to this

Wise Diva I have talk to him about her and what there relationship was…he says it was just a sexual thing…and nothing more. He says, he told her that he didn’t want to to mess with her anymore but she doesn’t want that…I even saw that in one of the his text message to her…

MusingLee I don’t have a home phone…I just have my cell phone and he would never call a girl off of my phone…I have a call history of up to 60 people…I could check who he was calling on my phone if that was the case…

SeanJohnson Honestly if he told me he was through with me b/c of me going through his phone…I would be a little hurt but I know I was wrong…so I wouldn’t be too upset. I know I probably shouldn’t have done that…but I did. I don’t go through his wallet!! I just went through his phone that’s it…if he didn’t trust me he wouldn’t have given me the key to his place…

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 2:16 PM | Link to this

Okay so we are clear I am all for background checks but not for snooping in personal belongings. I dont go in your wallet dont touch my purse. When I go to visit(even my own relatives) I sit in the area directed and I dont go rambling through stuff. Because I expect the same courtesy if you come to my home.

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 2:16 PM | Link to this

DuShawn EXACTLY!!! SO what makes that any different from some woman who was dating you? Or if it was the chicks father checking you? Same daggone thang!!! And would you tell your daughter after she’s grown not to do that too?

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 2:18 PM | Link to this

SJ I agree with your 1:58 post. Although in fairness, if he was doing something that wasn’t very honest, then she might a reason not to trust him. Either way, SmileyC was wrong for checking his phone. While I might be ok w/ the background check, again, that is public information. I am not in favor of anyone having their privacy invaded.

Oh heeeeeeeey SJ!!

By MusingLee

April 27, 2007 2:27 PM | Link to this

SmileyC Well if you only have a cell phone and she’s calling you on it…I would say the most likely reason she has your number would be the other chick scooped it out of his cell phone while he was asleep or away from it…It’s one thing to text a girl to stop calling, but a real dude will call her’azz up and make it known not to call him anymore…Just make sure he’s not tipping around and rattling her bed springs on the low.

By Teddy

April 27, 2007 2:28 PM | Link to this

@ SmileyC: If you would not have seen the text message for yourself saying he didnt want to deal with her anymore. Would you believe his word?

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 2:29 PM | Link to this

My sister-in-law told me yesterday that she has finally filed for divorce from my brother. Now, she took snooping to another level…She bugged his phone, put some spyware on his computer that will retrace every stroke of the keyboard, and checked credit cards and receipts. Now, admittedly so, she was very naive when she married my brother….Well, she overheard a conversation and his response was was not acceptable. After that, even the show Cheaters will be impressed at her skills.

By SeanJohnson

April 27, 2007 2:30 PM | Link to this

@ WD…thats a relationshp felony…but thats so typical of females these days..i dont know what the problem is..insecure mixed with control issues with a pinch of not being trust worthy themselves..

@ SmileyC..well if the cell phone was laying on his wallet..u prolly would go through the wallet too..get his social security number from his wallet..get pregnant by him.leave him..use the SS# to put him on child support..milk him for his ends…now think…you see how CRAZY i sound..now look in the mirror because thats exactly how you sound by jumping to conclusions and assuming u have to go through his phone because he is texting someone lol

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 2:32 PM | Link to this

I am sitting here trying to think how I would handle things if I were SmileyC, knowing me..If things were getting hazy and shady, I would put a guy on ice, just kind of wait him out and observe a little bit.

I am just too lazy to get into a guy’s blackberry, phone, pda, etc. I’d just rather bounce you out of my dating list, LOL. I know LL gets onto me for doing that too quickly, but shoot, who has time to stress and worry, and snoop into phones? that’s too much work, and I admit, I am too lazy to exert the energy, especially if we are just starting out…geez. I am so impatient.

By SmileyC

April 27, 2007 2:33 PM | Link to this

Ok you guys!! I know I was wrong for checking his phone…but he was just always texting people…all the time. It just bothered me…and I had to find out who he was texting and what he was texting about…I guess maybe it was a little insecure of me to do so…if he went through my phone I wouldn’t be mad cause I have nothing to hide…but I probably would have been why are you looking through my phone…if I hadn’t look through his phone first.

By ImAPeach404

April 27, 2007 2:37 PM | Link to this

(Yea, I know I’m late…)

But, going back to something Kym said earlier this morning about asking a person ex for a reference…. I’m sitting here thinking if there is any guy i’ve ever dated that I would trust to give me a good reference….. hmmmmm? My most recent ex is still salty with me so he is definitely out… do any of you have an ex or two that would give you a good reference???

Off topic Have you ever read a “blog horror story” on here and wondered if or realized the story was about you??? If you did, would you say anything? I just wondered b/c of the crazy starbucks story someone told the other day… I was like ‘ok, what if dude or stilletto chick posted on this blog, that would be funny’.

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 2:41 PM | Link to this

Wise did you just have a moment with yourself just now? lol

LDD wow, she did a lot but they were married. Just think how it would be to find out someone you were simply dating did all that.

BlogQuestion well have any of you given in to the urge to look in someones bathroom cabinents while you were in there?

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 2:44 PM | Link to this

Peach I have an EX that would scream from the top of the Empire State building that I’m a GREAT catch (ok, exaggerating). But the sweet thing about it is he wrote me a letter a few months back talking about how I taught him the true meaning of love and faith….it was so sweeeeeeeet and I was like, yeah, my blood,sweat, and tears were NOT in vain!

By SmileyC

April 27, 2007 2:44 PM | Link to this

MusingLee He didn’t just text her, he said he told her over a conversation that he didn’t want to mess with her anymore…the text was just telling her again..part of the text was- “I told you I don’t want to Fk with you anymore, I’m with my babygirl…leave me alone” She was texting him back saying F* your baby girl or whatever, how your going to do me like that or whatever…etc…

Yeah your probably right about her getting my number that way…cause he changed his phone number and she doesn’t have it…so she calls me everyday now!!! I just don’t answer my phone when I see Private call now cause I know it’s her!!! Every now and then I would check to make sure it’s her and I will answer and she’ll say something and then hang up…She is 32 I’m 23…she seems a bit old to be playing these sort of games my bf is 25….

Teddy if I didn’t see the text YES I would believe him…

By Sexione

April 27, 2007 2:46 PM | Link to this

I say that all of these self righteous men would feel completely different about this subject if it were regarding his daughter (except DuShawn, who’s already made it clear).

SmileyC I agree with Wise, if it’s to taht point, put dude on ice…..put some distance between you two, and see what happens. One of the worse feelings in dating is being with someone you don’t completely trust. That to me is a huge turnoff!!

By BlatinoBrutha - back from hiatus

April 27, 2007 2:48 PM | Link to this

To EVERY1. Thanks for the cosigns….

And to SmileyC, you have just proven my point. The bottom line is that if we wanna cheat and do us, which I’m assuming is your only valid reason for checking, then we’re gonna do it anyway.

And besides, those of us who do that and are smart have an extra phone you’ll never know about anyway. But that’s for pros only.

Man-Law violation alert::: Too Much Info from Blatino Brutha.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 2:49 PM | Link to this

Slimone…LOL, I totally did! Bless my poor heart, sigh

and you know I am thinking of that airline commercial when that girl goes into the bathroom to SNOOP, crashes the entire cabinet down..and it says, need to get away FAST? maaan that joint cracks me UP…every.single.time. LOL

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 2:50 PM | Link to this

SmileyC sounds like your bf might have some of what i like to call dope-d and old girl is addicted. Maybe he should’ve weened her off of it. Good D like that is hard to quit cold turkey.

IT’S FRIDAY UP IN THIS BIP!! WHERE’S THE MUSIC AND DRINKS?

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 2:54 PM | Link to this

Slim I consider myself to be naturally curious (aka, nosey), but my nosey-ness only extends to the external. In other words, I want to know where you got that outfit, who designed that tattoo, where did you get that great smelling candle? I’ve never looked in anyone’s medicine cabinet or other drawers when at someone else’s home. Frankly, I’d be embarrassed if someone looked through my bathroom cabinet, only b/c it’s completely disorganized! LOL!

By ImAPeach404

April 27, 2007 2:56 PM | Link to this

Ok, I know im real late again…but, I just got back. Some crap-ola that LL said this morning about asking his homeboy about a new chick he met… in his scenario, his homeboy knew ole girl back in 1994, lol. It’s 2007!!!! You don’t think she’s changed in 13 years???? And besides, everybody is a little wild in college. And, whats that say about you if you let somebody else’s view determine who you date? I know it was a “what if” story, but none the less, it was a dopey point you were trying to prove.

I could see if he said she killed somebody and he was the only one that knew, or she burned her ex’s house down after he didn’t return or call, or she shot up his mommas house for making her pay for a date… then you have reason, but outside of ish like that…

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 2:57 PM | Link to this

wise Now, how can you come down on smileyc for snooping thru phones if you’re going to snoop through the cabinets? Is there really a difference or just the methodology? I mean…snooping is snooping right?

slim Yes, and I think about the same commercial wise mentioned

blatino that’s not new information…we hip to the other phone…my brother gave me the number to his secret phone…so we know what you guys are up to…but you’re right in that if you’re going to do cheat, you’re going to do it regardless….

By SmileyC

April 27, 2007 2:59 PM | Link to this

SeanJohnson why would I go through his wallet to get his SSN?? He already gave it to me!! What you said, does sound crazy and I’m not that type of person!! I take care of myself sweetie!!!!

Wise Diva I know how you feel, normally I would just leave it alone and observe and let go!!! This time not sure why I’m like this. I have never ever checked anyone’s phone before until now…I am rethinking my actions to this situation and what to do next, not sure…

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 3:00 PM | Link to this

Wise I think there used to be a commercial where a girl opened the medicine cabinent and it was filled with marbles. How can you hide that? The look on their face would be priceless.

I only asked because they joked about that at my job once. A few ladies said they can’t help but to look. Slim has been known to pull the shower curtain back to see how clean or dirty it is. Whew! I’m so glad I have that secret out in the open.

NC don’t feel bad because my closet is…how should i put it…too much in a small space. hehehehehe

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 3:04 PM | Link to this

wait, who said I checked cabinets? I was laughing at the commercial!

LOL

By Teddy

April 27, 2007 3:07 PM | Link to this

@ SmileyC: If you suspect he already knows you snooped then you might as well fess up…lol. Besides if you said he gave you his SSN already then he “clearly” trusts you (I hope).

By DuShawn

April 27, 2007 3:08 PM | Link to this

Sexione In my initial statement I said “I’m not a proponent of background checks. (I may feel differently if I was a female.)” For women I think it’s more of a safety issue. However, if I was dating a female and she told me she did a background check on me without my permission, I would be a little insulted. Furthermore, it would send up a red flag. I would find that behavior strange. It would indicate to me that the young lady is distrustful, intrusive, and lacks the courage to simply ask me what she wanted to know. Whatever was discovered in that background check would no longer be an issue, because I would no longer date her. I would suggest that you ladies just ask the guy whatever you want to now. Then follow up with ”would you be offended If I did my own research on you” Reassure the man that you believe him and thank him for his forthrightness and honesty. ”But the world is so crazy these days you have to be certain who you let into your life.” (I give yall permission to use that verbatim) If a woman approached the subject like that and asked my permission to look into my personal history, I would be more receptive.

By Raqi

April 27, 2007 3:09 PM | Link to this

You can find some interesting things in people’s medicine cabinets and under the bathroom sinks.

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 3:10 PM | Link to this

my bad,Wise, I thought you were saying you totally did look thru the cabinets…oops

By SmileyC

April 27, 2007 3:14 PM | Link to this

Thanks for everyone’s comments…it’s good to get an insight on what others think! I will take it from here…I’m thinking about giving him some distance and see what happens from there…b/c you do need total trust in a relationship to be completely happy!!! Have a good FRIDAY everyone :)

By Suga&Spice

April 27, 2007 3:15 PM | Link to this

ok wait let me get a clear understanding…snooping is wrong but background checks are ok????

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 3:15 PM | Link to this

Blatino Forget the secret phone. I had a client whose ex had a secret credit card! He was proud of that mess! Problem was, his dumb azz didn’t do a good job of keeping it a secret…wifey found out about it and the other woman long before he knew. LOLOL!

By Jake

April 27, 2007 3:16 PM | Link to this

Blatino don’t hip them to the metro, that always on silent, under the seat, just waiting for her to get out of the car….LOL

Sexione I just tell like is T-I-S, why lie..lol

SmileyC, I ain’t glad she causing you hellz, but karma comes back hard, and STAY OUT OF YOUR MAN”S PHONE..HEHEHE

Oh yea, I meant to touch on this. Officer Musirello, let me get a pass.

Drug Dealing: Born out of economic disparity and poverty. The vast majority of people who become involved in this trade do so out what they view as a necessity. Most people do not wake up and decide that they want to sell drugs, but hunger pains will cause anyone to step outside of themselves and make bad decisions. If you are hungry enough, you will walk right into a store, grab ish an walk out like George Jefferson. I too have friends who remain in the underworld, and most would like to start over, but life has a funny way of forcing your hand in some cases. If the baby got to eat, and you don’t have the intellectual skills to prosper in another market, you do what makes sure the milk is there. In my youth, I made some poor decisions also, but I was fortunate enough to realize before my life went in the wrong direction. Unfortunately, those who have success tend become addicted to the trappings, because simply put, money is power. Though you may feel strongly about how wrong dealing is, please remember this. Drugs are sold to people, not given away. Its an exchange of goods, a business deal, it may be at its rawest form, but a deal nonetheless. Merchants and Customers!

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 3:17 PM | Link to this

I know this may be kind of gross. BUT me and my cousins were joking around talking about how things used to be back in the day. We were talking about being at our grandmothers house during the summers, running around in the woods, picking plums, and blackberries. So i brought up the fact that as kids you don’t always realize what maybe going on until you get older. So i said do you remember how that water bottle with the hose use to hang over the shower rod in grandmas bathroom. I’d be running around the house blowing into it like it was a trumpet. I was like “ohhh this sure does smell funny”….Now I know what that water bottle was really for. UUGGGHHHH grooosssss! LMAO

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 3:19 PM | Link to this

Smiley why are you giving him some distance? You said that you do trust him, despite your actions, so why the change of heart?

The power of the Blog!!

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 3:20 PM | Link to this

Good Luck SmileyC.

@LadyD, oh no honeychile, like I said earlier, I am way too lazy, to snoop. I just like to pay attention, take my time, and when things get hazy, see how he responds to my concerns.

By aqualung

April 27, 2007 3:23 PM | Link to this

Regarding the locked phones, I wish my guy WOULD tell me not to touch his phone.

Dude asked ME to be exclusive. I didn’t beg him to quit dating other people. He has to earn and maintain my trust in order to keep me. He’s gotta let me in if he wants me to marry him. I refuse to be in a relationship with someone defensive who makes me suspicious.

Chocolate Peach, a phone was the least of the worries if a 4 year relationship included cohabition and a child but no commitment.

By QC

April 27, 2007 3:29 PM | Link to this

Have a great weekend bloggers

Slim1 I left the blog cafe bar opened by mistake….

free drinks, HOLLA

By SmileyC

April 27, 2007 3:29 PM | Link to this

Teddy I’m not telling him I looked into his phone unless he asks me if I did if he asks then I’ll tell him!! I feel with him having it lock now, he already know I looked at it so why bring it up! LOL

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 3:33 PM | Link to this

SmileyC if you ever told the ‘other’ woman that you saw their text messages in his phone, you better believe she told him, probably trying to make you look bad. So you’re right, he probably does know you did it.

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 3:34 PM | Link to this

QC I think i will help myself to a glass of sex on the beach.

By ImAPeach404

April 27, 2007 3:37 PM | Link to this

I see I jumped the gun Kym, you made the same comment as I about LL’s scenario…

Blatino I wouldn’t care if my man grabbed my phone and went through it, read all my text messages, and called every number in it because….. (drumroll please) I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. It’s my phone, not my online banking information.

*…dont yall feel stupid with the background check come back clean?? * Well, SJ, while i’ve never done a real live BC, the times I have checked up on things, I’ve always found something. Just once I’d like to look and find nothing…

(OMG, I’ll never catch up)

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 3:40 PM | Link to this

Jake In regards to your statements on drug dealing…all I will say is that is the biggest crock of crap. I know people poorer than poor. Who have never felt the need to go out and risk life and limb making pennies because in the end if you do the math on dealing drugs it amounts to pennies.

An spare me the victim mentality of Not smart enough to do anything else…if you can learn to steal a car, you can learn to fix one. Every job in this world does not require you to go to college…they have trade schools for a reason. 18 months you can learn to dispense medicines legal prescribed medicine in a pharmacy. 6 months and a apprenticeship later you can learn to be a plumber, carpenter, construction worker, truck driver the list goes on and on…all legal jobs.

By ImAPeach404

April 27, 2007 3:43 PM | Link to this

Is this wrong My girlfriend caught figured out her man was cheating b/c she worked at a bank and she use to go into his account - with his permission - and refund all his extra bank charges (you know atm fees, overdraft or whatever) She noticed there were charges for restaurants she’d never been too. Amounts like $40, $50, $60 etc indicating that he didn’t eat alone. There were spots like Houstons, Intermezzos, and Cheesecake… you know, spots thats you dont go to with your homeboys. She called him out on it and he admitted he was seeing someone else. Now, was she wrong or was he stupid for not just withdrawing the money from the ATM?

By GA.man

April 27, 2007 3:44 PM | Link to this

Hello all Said Gaman trying to walk in like it’s all cool

By SmileyC

April 27, 2007 3:45 PM | Link to this

Lady I just feel we should have some distance because we are having little arguments over the silliest stuff that we shouldn’t be arguing over…like how unorganized his apartment is or whatever…we shouldn’t be arguing over that!!!

So, I just think we need some distance right now to breathe…and to figure out where we want to go. I have never ever checked someone’s phone before and I think that me doing that is a cause for concern.

SlimOne yeah I know she would have told him, but I didn’t tell her I saw it…I heard him tell her on the phone when she first starting calling me the same thing he text her…she just doesn’t care…

By DuShawn

April 27, 2007 3:45 PM | Link to this

Ladies Yall might as well stop checking your man’s phone. That’s like trying to take bricks of dope from Miami to Atlanta on a Grey Hound Bus. Everybody knows that’s hot. Them folks know about it. You will get caught. Even the sloppiest of playaz know to delete the text messages and the dialed/received numbers of other women from their phone. If you catch your man cheating from a woman’s number in his phone, he wanted you to find out.

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 3:47 PM | Link to this

Peach She was wrong for refunded the bank charges especially if they were jusified actually that whole situation just screams wrong.

By For Real

April 27, 2007 3:50 PM | Link to this

Ewwww Slim you got some Cold Case in you… Here’s a BIG AZZ TIC-TAC

aqualung so you don’t have any secrets either and you are earning and keeping his trust.

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 3:50 PM | Link to this

ImAPeach404 well first off he was stupid for giving her permission to go into his account, (which she probably would’ve done anyway had he not given it) and secondly, she is wrong. Sounds like he wanted her to find out about the other woman and he must’ve really been into this other girl if he was out caking her at all those places. We all know from the men on this blog that they aren’t trying to blow cheese on you unless you having ‘legs open tonight’ dessert

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 3:51 PM | Link to this

In my opionion, yes, it IS wrong, the information was obtained illegaly, (relationship speaking and literally) LOL. He didn’t sanction access for her snooping purposes, HOWEVER I blame him for using her job in that way, AND for cheating on her instead of just breaknig up with her.

good grief, people seem to just welcome in the drama (come on in, sit down, pull up a chair DRAMA! LOL)

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 3:53 PM | Link to this

IMA does she feel kind of stupid now for doing him the favors of removing those charges?

By SeanJohnson

April 27, 2007 3:54 PM | Link to this

@ 404Peach…dude was dumb…if you are gonna play…never program numbers in your phone..REMEMBER them…and cash only…fols are lazy these days

@ Kym…sounds like you have been sheltered..

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 3:56 PM | Link to this

Smiley Okay, well there’s the answer to why you checked his phone…things just ain’t right at home and can’t quite put your finger on it so you go fishing…I understand now where you’re coming from.

By For Real

April 27, 2007 3:58 PM | Link to this

Peach She did all that for him. He dumb as hell then. Can I get her number? She sounds cute…

Jake I have to disagree with you on that one bruh. Got to be accountable for your actions. If you are caught up in the GAME then look in the mirror and blame that person.

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 3:59 PM | Link to this

SeanJ when is your book coming out. How to be a Mo Betta Playa?

For Real thanks i needed that. LOL

By ImAPeach404

April 27, 2007 4:02 PM | Link to this

Slim & Wise, maybe he did want her to find out, who knows. He did know that she was accessing his account. Maybe he was silly enough to believe she was only refunding the charges and not looking at the activity. I agree, he should have just broken up with her, but seems to me like dudes have a hard time ending relationships, they just do enough to get you to leave.

Hmmmm… I never asked her how she felt about doing him the favors. I’ll have to double check on that.

SJ, I agree on the remember the numbers game. I know dudes who either just memorize or put the numbers under a dudes name.

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 4:02 PM | Link to this

The Birds Nest

“Some women are like a birds nest that’s laying on the ground. A man doesn’t even have to climb the tree to get the bird. He simply walks over and pick up the eggs.”

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 4:03 PM | Link to this

SJ No not sheltered and I dont feel the need to provide a laundry list of my life of that of my family to justify my opinions. I do however get tired of excuses. I dont care if you grew up on the wrong side of hell…you know right from wrong. I understand what they see is what they will be…but I also know that it is a victim mentality that exist that allows one to continue to make excuses and justify ignorant behavior.

By For Real

April 27, 2007 4:03 PM | Link to this

Wise Why you blaming him for her choice to provide the extra banking services? He didn’t break up with b/c of the extra banking services he was receiving. Come on now..

By ImAPeach404

April 27, 2007 4:03 PM | Link to this

Lol @ For Real and… she is cute :)

By SeanJohnson

April 27, 2007 4:06 PM | Link to this

@ Slim..i could right a book…i didnt invent the game…i made it better..lol but thats common sense.. before cell phones u remembered numbers, now half of yall only can remember your desk phone number and your own cell phone and maybe one or two more..

By DuShawn

April 27, 2007 4:12 PM | Link to this

Kym I don’t totally agree with your assessment of drug dealing. I think a lot of the motivation to get into that life stems from environmental influences. If a child grows up in an area where the only men he sees with respect and apparent success are dope boys and there are no other role models to tell him otherwise, more than likely that’s what he will aspire to be. Even if he does try to do the right thing and get a little fast food job, after constantly seeing his hustling homeboys with stacks while he’s making minimum wage, he will be tempted to get fast money. That same scenario is applicable to young women as well. The receptionist in our office probably makes about $500.00 a week. She could make that in a night at a strip club. Both instances require one to sacrifice there morals for money. Every dope boy and stripper could be successful in some other area if they chose to. Ultimately, as stated earlier, it’s a matter of character more so than necessity.

By For Real

April 27, 2007 4:13 PM | Link to this

Slim Ain’t no man gonna take an egg that’s been on the ground. How did the egg get there in the first place? How many dudes don had they hands on that egg? How long has that egg been on the ground? Why didn’t it get up? What kind of egg is it?

Nawww shawty.. too many questions. Step over that egg.

By SexyLeggs

April 27, 2007 4:13 PM | Link to this

Good day everybody, I think I’m the only one who humps on Friday. Let me rephrase that - my boss has me jumping through hoops today….LOL

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 4:14 PM | Link to this

The way I see it it’s like this….if a man wants to cheat then he’s going to cheat-regardless…if a woman is determined to find out…then she will. Listen to the words that are coming across the screen: You cannot prevent a woman from finding out ANYTHING if she is hell bent on finding the truth!

I’ve been there AND done that!! I can’t even reveal the things I did in my youth…NC may slap me with a lawsuit. I’m just reformed now or maybe more like Wise…too lazy for all dat. It was alot of hard work staying one step ahead of dudes! Plus, I did learn that it doesn’t alter their behavior…but I had to learn that.

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 4:15 PM | Link to this

SeanJ Your Geminian nature also makes you better at it too. I’ll never forget one time me and the ex were in an argument and I posed the normal what if i did what you did question. This fool said, you wouldnt do that because that’s not how you are. I could’ve hurt that boy bad…he doesn’t even know. muha ha ha (evil laugh)

By SeanJohnson

April 27, 2007 4:16 PM | Link to this

@ Kym…ok relationship expert…so what do you call the dudes i grew up with that didnt live to see 21..who grew up in the crack era? what about the ones who were crack babies who are now about 15-25 who didnt really have parents who are now parents themselves if they lived? They really are victims..not just people with a victim menality..you are talking tough..but damn that tough love some time..some of them need a hug and hand..or some insight..

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 4:19 PM | Link to this

For Real you so crazy dude!…that wasnt pertaining to all men or all chicks. But you betta believe someone would come across it on the ground, look around to see if anyone else realized it was there, and pick it up…no questions asked.

By For Real

April 27, 2007 4:21 PM | Link to this

Peach Hook me up.. I’m cute too

Lw/2D’s I don’t have a response for you I just haven’t said Lw/2D’s today.

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 4:22 PM | Link to this

I BLAME him because people need to learn DATING BOUNDARIES, You give people the level of access to your personal stuff WHEN YOU KNOW you are both committed. Now if you are doing DIRT, why in the blue hell are you going to give the woman access to your account - yea, not only are you janky because you aren’t balancing your accout like a grown responsible person SHOULD, but you are, handing out way too much info and power to a woman you are dating, and not even SERIOUSLY dating, because CLEARLY, you don’t really want her in your life - or else, I dont know.. you probably wouldn’t be seeing another woman on the side, right?

Both parties are in the wrong, plenty of blame to go around. LOL

By Jake

April 27, 2007 4:22 PM | Link to this

Kym/For Real

I’m not Don King for the dope game, but those of us who refuse to admit that one’s environment can dictate their actions are just being naive.

Also K.Y.M., I did not say can’t have the skills as in not capable of acquiring. I said don’t, most of us can learn anything that someone is willing to teach us. Just so happen, for some their are more people willing to teach how to work a pot and a scale than there are to teach any trade, then there is the socialization factor, and many other reason. It ain’t right, but its there.

Not trying to get this going, but evrybody ain’t that strong to overcome ALL the obstacles, and they ain’t bad people, they our peoples.

For Real i can respect your mirror statement, its ultimately you. But see above…lol

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 4:25 PM | Link to this

I thought we stated earlier this week that you can’t streamline everyone under one umbrella. There are always exceptions to the rule…eerryone has their own hand to play.

By For Real

April 27, 2007 4:25 PM | Link to this

Slim So you think Gemini’s are better playa’s that most huh??? Aren’t you a Gemini too?

By MusingLee

April 27, 2007 4:26 PM | Link to this

Slim Is it a nest of chicken eggs??? And are they white or brown in color???

By Cassie

April 27, 2007 4:26 PM | Link to this

Well, I don’t go out with guys that are totally unknown to either myself or my friends. For first dates, we go to my local where I’m surronded by folks I know who will look out for me.

If we have gotten past the few date stage, and I’m contemplating what the next step is…I drag him to dinner with my family. They ARE the Spanish Inquisition!

By Officer Musirello

April 27, 2007 4:30 PM | Link to this

OK, Wise I need you to back awayyyy from the keyboard. Put you hands up, close your eyes and take a deep breath.

Musing now pulling out “breath-a-lizer” as soon as pants zipper unsticks

By Jake

April 27, 2007 4:31 PM | Link to this

Blog Questions and Answers

How many rich people do you know who play the lotto?

None, they already got money.

How many legitimately rich(rich some other way than the game) people do you know who choose to sell dope instead of keep the family business going?

None, they already got money?

Do you think Bill Gates will ever sell dope? Okay, any questions…LOL

By For Real

April 27, 2007 4:32 PM | Link to this

Jake In my Asian voice “It is said that the pupil must seek out the teacher”

You are right everyone doesn’t have the same strength but if you got strenght enough deal (and you sound like you know what it takes to deal especially when first start) then you have a enough strength not to. You know it’s wrong but fight your way through those feeling and sell. Life ain’t easy but you always got a choice and that GOD For Real

By Lady Dark w/Dimples

April 27, 2007 4:32 PM | Link to this

For Real Feel free to type my name anytime….just make sure you’re looking me in the eye. I know how distracted you get!

By Wise Diva

April 27, 2007 4:32 PM | Link to this

LOL @ Musing, very funny!

I am leaving, ya’ll have a wonderful weekend. Great blog week, really enjoyed the dialogue a lot!

By Dr. Kym Relationship Expert

April 27, 2007 4:35 PM | Link to this

SJ I work in the insight industry…and the problem is some people don’t want to open their eyes and see. Yes I know there are victims but I also know there are resources available for those who need them but it is going to require effort and energy. As the old folks say putting the rubber to road.

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 4:40 PM | Link to this

For Real I’m not saying that Gemini’s are the better players of the zodiac but I know many and they all seem to live double lives in some form or fashion. Yep, I sure am….Will be 29 June 1st.

Musing ha ha hardy ha…..That actually came out of a book called, If you want closure in your relationship, start with your legs

This old player pimp dude wrote it. In that excerpt her was talking about different games people play.

By For Real

April 27, 2007 4:41 PM | Link to this

Lw/2D’s,Lw/2D’s, Lw/2D’s,Lw/2D’s,Lw/2D’s,Lw/2D’s,Lw/2D’s,Lw/2D’s,Lw/2D’s WHEW LAWD **Lw/2D’s,Lw/2D’s,Lw/2D’s,Lw/2D’s,Lw/2D’s,

By SlimOne

April 27, 2007 4:43 PM | Link to this

Officer Musirello you aren’t suffering from a case of camel toe in your uniform are you?

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 4:43 PM | Link to this

DuShawn Unfortunately, the sloppiest of playaz aren’t smart enough to delete texts and phone calls. That’s how 95% of the women who come into my office have caught their men cheating. I’m always shaking my head and wondering when cheaters will get a clue. SJ is right, use cash! Don’t use the joint credit card to take girly to the hotel around the corner from your house (true story!), or buy flowers for another woman from the joint bank account (another true story!). Don’t send text messages to another woman or accept phone calls from anyone on your cell at 3am, unless it’s mama or daddy calling to tell you someone is sick or dying. The “flowers” guy that I represented was put on the hotseat in a deposition trying to explain why he was sending text messages to another woman at 3am, but it was for “business purposes” and she wasn’t in China. LOLOL!!! Complete idiot!

And Playaz, remember to erase email messages, IMs and chat logs. And don’t ever ever ever print them out! I know a guy who found his wife’s emails w/ another guy (w/whom she was sleeping) in their bedroom closet b/c that crazy heffa printed them out!

By MusingLee

April 27, 2007 4:53 PM | Link to this

Slim If anything is in there it’s a case of Donkey Ballz..LOLOLOLOL

NCgirl LOLOLOLOLOL…If they were smarter you’d be out of work.

Musing Out…Have a safe weekend er’body.

By NCgirlfromATL

April 27, 2007 4:58 PM | Link to this

That actually came out of a book called, If you want closure in your relationship, start with your legs

LMAO!!!!

And on that note, good night all! Have a great weekend! DuShawn please keep the Que juice under control. You don’t wanna put anybody’s eye out! LOL!

By Laney

April 27, 2007 4:59 PM | Link to this

hey y’all — just wanted to let you know that Bella is filling in for me next week while I continue to recover — I am going to try to stop in occasionally, but please welcome her and enjoy her awesome topics!