AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2007 > November > 19 > Entry
First Impression Vs. Snap Judgment
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My past experiences have taught me that first impressions can be very misleading. I may have missed out on a couple of great guys because of my snap judgments about something they said or did.
I have wondered what type of impression I make on men and how often snap judgments about me prevented a potential connection with someone. I asked a guy that I am seeing what his first impression was about me. After a little prodding, he admitted that the outfit I was wearing made him think (hope??) that I could be a floozy. The day we spotted each other, I was showing cleavage and wore a rather short skirt. It didn’t take long for him to realize that I was way more than my cup size - but I definitely decided to tweak my wardrobe selections for those quick Whole Foods run!
When it comes to meeting and dating new people, do you know what people think when they meet you? Do you think they “get” your personality, humor, or attributes?
What are examples of typical snap judgments? Are snap judgments always unfair or are there instances when it can actually help you weed out potential mistakes?
How far does the first impression go when you consider someone to date? Do you decide if you will pursue your interest in someone if they had a less then stellar first impression when you first met them? How many opportunities do you think is necessary to have a fair assessment of someone?
A lot of my guy friends that complain about the women they date, don’t seem to connect those dots when they first met them. I always ask them, did you get a sense of who she was early on? Do men have gut reactions about women that they can gather when they first meet a woman?
Who do you think is more inclined to date (or not date) someone from snap judgments, men or women?
Permalink | Comments (423) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
Comments
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 8:19 AM | Link to this
Good Morning!!! Great topic… Go Falcons!!!
By binford
November 19, 2007 8:25 AM | Link to this
Binford passes around the short-week Dunkin Donuts and Dunkin Coffee
When seeing a woman, I go through a progression (or checklist) to see if she is in the ballpark - this is usually the visual “eyeing” up part (her look, her style, etc.).
Then I talk to her and try to find out if she qualifies for any of Binford’s Dealbreakers (i.e. kids, smokes, evangelical christian). If she passes through that then I really to see if I like the cut of her jib.
As for me, I make a heinous first impression. One of my best friend’s girlfriend (now wife) asked that I not be allowed back in the house after meeting her the first time. LOL. I’ve had too many people that have told me that when they first meet me, they think I am an a*******h**e and then when they know me, they think I’m a really nice person - just a bit krass (like my friend’s wife). Now I’ve toned down a bit with old age, but I bet it’s still a bit true. I think I am an easy person to get …in time.
My guess as to who is inclined to make snap judgements - I do think it is the wimmenz. Men are usually willing to give a good amount of chances up front.
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 8:28 AM | Link to this
My recent date told me I seem a bit bossy and I told him I wasn’t a lil demanding but I don’t think I am bossy…He and others have said I am not those students I talk to at school so I guess I need to work on my tone…Told him I am cool peeps…He did call back…lol
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 8:32 AM | Link to this
Diva I do be wondering what the guys thoughts are bc they are not sharing…All they say is you cool…guess their actions speak more if they are feeling you are not…reading between the lines I think…But on the other hand some men will let you know right then and there…
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 8:35 AM | Link to this
I know that is right binford…Can’t wait til tomorrow @ 3:10…I am out with the quickness!!!
By ImAPeach404
November 19, 2007 8:42 AM | Link to this
Hey everybody. Long time, no blog
This subject is very appropriate for me — I was just talking to a friend last night about 2 guys that I met over the weekend whom I weren’t going to call due to bad first impressions.
Guy #1 is Muslim - to each his own, but I know that we have totally different views about, well, everything. And, he and another friend were having a conversation about how they “weren’t ready for monogamy”. After I heard that, my first impression of him was not positive. I decided I wouldn’t even go there.
Guy #2 I met at restaurant/club this weekend and we chopped it up for a while, he gave me his number and I head to the bar to get a drink. He follows behind me so he can order his drink too. Well, I don’t drink so all I wanted was a sprite. I order the sprite… he’s standing there looking… asked why all I want is a sprite… (me) “Oh, I don’t really drink”… I thought he might offer to pay for my drink since it was only a sprite, but he doesn’t. He just looks and nods his head and orders his own drink. He could have automatically gotten brownie points by offering to pay for my drink - everybody knows they don’t make you pay for soft drinks at the bar!!! Why wouldn’t you offer???
I know dudes have issues with buying drinks and all, but if you’ve talked for a while, displayed your interest, and already gave her your number AND all she wants is a (free) sprite/soda…… come on!
By Wordsmith
November 19, 2007 8:45 AM | Link to this
Morning, all. :-) I trust that everyone’s weekend was a good one.
As a man, I think it would be somewhat difficult for me to “get” a woman’s personality, humor or other internal attributes, if indeed her own immediate focus seems to be on impressing me with her physical attributes. As a matter of fact, I would think it quite humorous that a woman would, for our initial encounter, dress so revealingly only to concern herself later with whether or not I “got” who she “really” was.
Speaking only for myself, I’d rather not have to sift in my own mind through the question of whether or not a woman could (or not) be a “floozy”, and how she dresses and carries herself goes along way toward helping me not have to do that. I’d much rather “get” where you are mentally first. But, again, to each his/her own, I guess.
By 2CPTG©
November 19, 2007 8:46 AM | Link to this
morning……
31-7 (in y’all house!)
By Rell
November 19, 2007 8:52 AM | Link to this
I thought he might offer to pay for my drink since it was only a sprite, but he doesn’t. He just looks and nods his head and orders his own drink. He could have automatically gotten brownie points by offering to pay for my drink - everybody knows they don’t make you pay for soft drinks at the bar!!! Why wouldn’t you offer???
^^^typical…..hell you could offer some azz as well that would get you MAJOR brownie points….but again it is expect not appriacted when men offer to buy drinks….
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 8:53 AM | Link to this
LOL 2…Revamping is needed!
By Kym-Proud Steeler Nation Member since 1994
November 19, 2007 8:53 AM | Link to this
Good Morning All,
Off-Topic-My Steelers lost to the Jets and I have a hangover from that so any sudden movements-lets just say I will not be held responsible for my actions today. On the other hand the Fakecons lost big…so the sky is a tad bit bluer..Thats what you get for dissing Joey Harrington
On-Topic I have been told that based on my appearance that I am stuck-up, sweet and innocence, b*ty and a host of other untruths. Until you get to know a person you have no clue who they really are. It goes back to never judging a book by the cover. Now we have all met someone who gave us a great first impression and then turned out to be the total opposite. “When a person shows you who they really are believe them-Maya A.”
By SexyLeggs
November 19, 2007 8:57 AM | Link to this
Good morning everyone. Love this topic and can’t wait to see the MLB have to say. I am usually misjudged. I have been called prissy and proper my entire life. When women first see me, they don’t care for me because of my outspokeness. Men see me as being bold and daring. I’m the type you either love when you FIRST meet me or love. After awhile, most everyone like me.
First impressions are important, but sometimes can be misleading. I don’t think that “first impression” should stop a person from delving deeper to know someone.
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 8:58 AM | Link to this
Kym I could not believe it…Football was weary yesterday!!! Go Steelers inspite of!!!
By 2CPTG©
November 19, 2007 8:59 AM | Link to this
Lady J, couldn’t WAIT to blast them birds fans…..where’s Tazz?
By Dan
November 19, 2007 8:59 AM | Link to this
Personally, I’m a lot like Binford. I make a horrible first impression, given the environment. Such as, if I’m out blowing off steam, I get the A*h comments.
Usually when we meet again, and I’m in chill mode they see the other side of my personality. In truth, both encounters reveal parts of my personality. It’s just that the meeting can be a little off-putting.
But should you judge this book by its cover, you do so at your own peril. I dress one way for comfort, yet have an enitrely different intellectual personality. But all that is preseciant, even in ah mode.
By Rell
November 19, 2007 8:59 AM | Link to this
remedy for falcons - NEW COACH!!!!…the team as tuned out mr petrino….he is done and i bet alot of vets are in there agents ear like get me off the team
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 9:02 AM | Link to this
i know 2…Tazz will be in later…Rell you are right!
By Dan
November 19, 2007 9:04 AM | Link to this
@Peach
I’m sorry darling, but there are two things wrong with that statment:
Guys pay for every drink in every club. Be it water, sprite, or the Hen and coke.
Why would/should he offer to buy you a drink in the club (I blame T-Pain)? Most men, with geniune interest don’t really wanna talk to you at the club. We’d rather wait to a quieter, more appropriate setting.
By M'Karyl
November 19, 2007 9:05 AM | Link to this
First impressions are important, but are not always accurately assessed or conveyed by individuals. And I think men and women equally utilize this method of assessment to determine whether or not another person is of interest or not. But I think that men and women have a different list of gender-based criteria that is used to make the assessment.
Personally, I have a 23 year long disqualifying list. This list has developed over the years from experiences that I did not wish to repeat or from qualities that do not meld with my boundaries. So basically, even if a man made a good first impression my list of “disqualifying” attributes would supersede his intentions. So for me it is less about the first impression than it is about how the individual’s character, lifestyle issues and personality measure up to the “disqualifying” list of traits and behaviors that I find unacceptable.
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 9:07 AM | Link to this
Thanks again Wordsmith!!!! I appreciate your hospitality @ the tailgate!!!!
By Rell
November 19, 2007 9:10 AM | Link to this
@dan…cosign
By Kym-Proud Steeler Nation Member since 1994
November 19, 2007 9:10 AM | Link to this
Lady J you said it…go steelers!!-even though they played the Jets(ugh) cheap. But I am soooo in love with Mike Tomlin. Did you check him out on the sidelines? I was so proud.
By Beautiful
November 19, 2007 9:12 AM | Link to this
hi err’body. i’m in a blah today. needing your help to get me out of it.
n e ways … … . im guilty of snap judgements, but i immediately let it go. this only happens when i’m not attracted to his looks. the magic usually happens when he opens his mouth. being intelligent and caring does the trick.
By E
November 19, 2007 9:13 AM | Link to this
Hello all..
SMDH@this statement:He could have automatically gotten brownie points by offering to pay for my drink and this one:I know dudes have issues with buying drinks and all, but if you’ve talked for a while, displayed your interest, and already gave her your number AND all she wants is a (free) sprite/soda…… come on
This is a PERFECT example of why I do not even go to clubs anymore. Women expect this to happen. I’m suppossed to open my wallet the first night we meet? It’s expected Now? I’ll gladly open my wallet when I ask a young lady out for a date, but I’m not buying anything just because I your got your number that night and it shouldn’t be an expectation either.
By Willie Dynamite
November 19, 2007 9:14 AM | Link to this
I don’t do first impressions very well. I can take them or leave them. I’m more concerned with the first conversation. Regardless of how a chick is dressed I can usually tell based on the level of conversation if I wanna be around her or not. The first few minutes tells me if she is a winner, project to work on, bench player, jumpoff or get the hellz on.
Peach 404 Cosigning Rell Buddy coulv’e also figured the Sprite was free. He also may have deemed you good enough for the number but not to buy a Sprite. Dudes jump for a reason maybe he didn’t see the reason!!!JMO
By Wordsmith
November 19, 2007 9:17 AM | Link to this
@LadyJ
You’re quite welcome. It was good to meet you. By the way, did you get your fish? ;-)
As for the Falcons game, I made my sentiments quite clear on the Falcons message boards last night. (I’m one of the Moderators there and my screen name is ‘BankerBird’.)
http://boards.atlantafalcons.com/index.php?showtopic=281436
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 9:20 AM | Link to this
Kym I am in love with him too…That dude is soooooooooo fine!!!! He is a Kappa too!!! LOL Sexy self!!!!
By Kym-Proud Steeler Nation Member since 1994
November 19, 2007 9:21 AM | Link to this
This is not helping my hangover
From wsbtv.com ACWORTH, Ga. — Police say they’ve arrested three young boys on charges they kidnapped and raped an 11-year-old girl in the woods near an Acworth apartment complex. Police say the boys — who are 8 and 9 years old — are in a Cobb County youth detention center but face adult criminal charges.
Police reports show the girl went to authorities Saturday for the alleged attack, which she says happened Thursday.
The victim told police they had been playing outside the West Ridge Apartments before the attack.
“The three boys have been charged with crimes ranging from rape, sexual assault, kidnapping and false imprisonment,” said Capt. Wayne Bennard of the Acworth Police Department.
The suspects are being held at the Cobb County Youth Detention Center.
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 9:22 AM | Link to this
Kym he handled those player well!!! I got this and he handled it!!! I checked him out a while back!!!!
By Rell
November 19, 2007 9:22 AM | Link to this
@E…cosign!!!!
By ImAPeach404
November 19, 2007 9:23 AM | Link to this
Binford, question… if you meet 10 women, how many would you say DO NOT have kids???
Rell boo at your attempt to compare. How come you say it’s not appreciated??? If I drink it, then I appreciated it!
By M'Karyl
November 19, 2007 9:23 AM | Link to this
ImAPeach:
Chances are he realized that the sprite was not going to inebriate your consciousness and therefore make you more vulnerable to his possible (and tactic) intentions-lol. Personally, if a man does not offer to buy me a drink-fine, then he is less apt to ask for what he ain’t gonna get anyhoo.
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 9:28 AM | Link to this
I did Wordsmith…Left that game @ halftime to make it back across the street…Ate the fish and headed 75 South!!! LOL Thanks again and thank Linda too!!!
By Dan
November 19, 2007 9:30 AM | Link to this
@ M’Kyral
To each his(her) own, but a list of disqualifying physical attributes?
Wow, so if dude has bad teeth, a bad part in his head, a bad laugh…he’s not the one.
Like I said, to each his own but babygirl you might be missing out on your true love by letting old hurt interfere with new love. JMHO
And to the person that posted that Petrino has lost the locker room: he never had it. He came into a professional locker room with a college coach mentality, not realizing that players would resent that from Day one. He has compounded his mistake by not trying to reconcile with his players his errors. Can anyone say Tom Coughlin: good coach, but never great as his players hate him at every stop he makes.
By Rell
November 19, 2007 9:31 AM | Link to this
what is the importance of buying a women a drink in the club..is that going to get me any further if i only talk with you….is that going to get me a great girlfriend…please help me understand this…
@peach…are you serious…so he buys you a sprite…then what?….only thing you get….is the ability to quench your thirst and keep your 2.13 in your pocket…note RELL IS NOT IN THE BUSINESS OF QUENCHING THE THIRST OF HOOD RATS!!!
By Beautiful
November 19, 2007 9:34 AM | Link to this
ImAPeach404 i’m sorry girlfriend, buy your own drink. never get to a point where you sit and wait for a man to buy you a drink. how come you didn’t buy him one? just curious.
By Rell
November 19, 2007 9:37 AM | Link to this
@MKaryl….note..men dont like drunk poo cee….fell me…key word is men
By ImAPeach404
November 19, 2007 9:39 AM | Link to this
Dan, what do you mean by “guys pay for every drink in every club”???
And, whats wrong with offering to buy a drink - especially a free one - if you’ve talked to me for over 30 minutes, gave me your number already, and said “hey, i really like you. you seem real cool”.
Lol @ Beautiful… this only happens when i’m not attracted to his looks. That is SO true!
E - you guys are missing the whole point here. IT WAS FREE!!! Your wallet wouldn’t have even had to make an appearance. Clubs are the worst places in the world to meet people which is why I do not frequent them, but it happens that I was in a restaurant/club when I met this person. He was OBVIOUSLY interested and the fact that he didn’t even make an attempte to get my FREE drink made a lousy first impression. Peroid.
Willie, so, if you were good enough to get a chicks number, but not a free sprite… what kind of first impression would that leave on you???
By M'Karyl
November 19, 2007 9:40 AM | Link to this
Dan: It is not about “old hurt” sugar. I have no negtive emotional issues for past and forgotten relationships. You’ve got that all wrong. I have learned from my mistakes and rather than repeat them, I eliminate them from consideration. I have found that relationships are about compatability of lifestyles and personalities. I have learned what works and does not work for me.
By Rell
November 19, 2007 9:40 AM | Link to this
@beautiful
how come you didn’t buy him one?
simple it goes against the code of hot cheetos and sunny delight(Hoodrats)…thats why, she would be kicked off the island if her fellow rats every caught her hand inside the purse to give money to any male….lol…
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 9:41 AM | Link to this
I know that is right Beautiful…It is women out there who really go to the bar expecting this…It works my nerves when a chic expects a free drink…Free drinks are not want you want…seriously…handle your own and if you like the convo buy him one…
By Rell
November 19, 2007 9:43 AM | Link to this
@peach..you could have offered him that FREE drink…now i bet he would have open up that wallet then….you could have asked hey are you thirsty i am getting a sprite want one…now that is a lil game for you…i know you have forgotten that you have manners too….smdh, at the remedial
By Dan
November 19, 2007 9:43 AM | Link to this
I’m with Rell.
Would one of the ladies care to elaborate on what me buying you a drink is supposed to do?
In my experience, I get further without the drank and with the -Ism.
By Kym-Proud Steeler Nation Member since 1994
November 19, 2007 9:45 AM | Link to this
Peach404 I think you are missing the point. If you knew the drink was free..and he knew the drink was free. Why would he even attempt to buy the drink? I mean it seems like you were more concern with his wallet and what he could do for you as oppose to getting to know him. Frankly, how much can you know about a guy after talking 10-30mins in a noisy club? Just because he didnt offered doesnt make his impression lousy. Now because you are on here Monday whining about it. That makes your impression one of thirsty and what is that phase Rell uses “Jump offish.”
By T-Mango
November 19, 2007 9:46 AM | Link to this
When it comes to meeting and dating new people, do you know what people think when they meet you? Yes. I’ve been told that I was shy (ha), quiet, ladylike, and mysterious. On the flip side, I’ve been called aloof and that I had an edge to me. All true to an extent-
Do you think they “get” your personality, humor, or attributes? Some people do and others don’t. I know I’m a complex individual. “Getting” me takes time and understanding. It just won’t happen over a glass of wine at a party…
There’s a quote by Victoria Principal that I like. She’s an actress that used to play on the tv show “Dallas”(I’m dating myself with that one). But she said “at one point in her life when she walked into a room she wondered if people were going to like her. But now, as a mature woman-when she walks into a room she wonders if she is going to like them.” To me, this quote is a testament to being cool in your own skin and not trying to change who you are so that you can gain acceptance from others.
So, what’s important to me at this stage in the game is that I associate with folks that can take me as I am, where I am and are interested in getting to know me. If they can’t take “T” as is, then I keep on steppin’ because I’m going to be true to me. If I can’t be true me, then I can’t be that to anyone else.
Have a great holiday week-
By M'Karyl
November 19, 2007 9:47 AM | Link to this
Rell:
Get real bro. I have encountered too many who think that a drink or two will get them in the panties. Of course, I know women who support this “theory”-lol. But you are right, it is a male rationale, not a man’s ideology. But to be honest, I was quite the social barfly in the ATL. And I met many men who paid for my tabs, etc. without any further engagement than that. I am loads of fun, a great conversationalist and that is what my men friends enjoy!!! I partied with the world in the ATL and quite often never spent a dime.
By SexyLeggs
November 19, 2007 9:47 AM | Link to this
everybody knows they don’t make you pay for soft drinks at the bar!!! Since when? Oops, just realized that I always had alcohol in my drink and really never noticed this was the case…LOL
Had to laugh at M’Karyl, you’re probably right. If ImaAeach404 knew soft drinks were free, he probably knew as well!
By QC
November 19, 2007 9:50 AM | Link to this
Morning Bloggers….i hope you all had a great weekend!…..and do enjoy your day….
By Wordsmith
November 19, 2007 9:50 AM | Link to this
@M’Karyl “even if a man made a good first impression my list of “disqualifying” attributes would supersede his intentions.”
WOW! :-O
Please don’t take this as a personal attack, okay? I’m responding to the post, not the person. However, I’m continually amazed at the number of women who subscribe to very same mindset to which you seem to ascribe - where physical attributes take precendence over internal character.
I mean, at what point do those priorities get reversed (if ever?) What good does it do for a man to take his own character development seriously, if the woman he’s interested in doesn’t apply the same weight? In other words, what in the world would it profit a relationship for a man to pass your test of “disqualifying” physical attributes if in his heart he’s not inclined to treat you right? Is that not ultimately what matters most to you?
Or, would you be willing to risk what could be the most satisfying and substantive relationship you’ve ever had on the fact that the guy wasn’t tall, cute or sexy enough?
I’m sorry, but I’m still shaking my head at your 9:05 comment.
By Dan
November 19, 2007 9:50 AM | Link to this
@Peach
I have, and any other gentleman can join the chorus, never gotten a drink for free in any club. Unless I look like I’m dying of thirst, they charge me for water.
The point is, why should he offer to buy you anything at a club, most likely you (and your girls, cause y’all travel in packs) got in free. He on the other hand, had to pay $20 on top of whatever he drinks in the club. Now while buying that drink may or may not have left and impression on you, I guarantee that extra $5 or so, might’ve P.O.’d the man especially considering you’ve gone your seperate ways after that.
By E
November 19, 2007 9:51 AM | Link to this
@Peach
No YOU’RE missing the point, the FACT that you EXPECT for this man buy you a drink(or anything for that matter) the first night is the problem. PERIOD. Why would you be impressed by him offering to buy you a FREE drink anyway..That’s impressive? LOL. Also the fact the unwillingness not to offer to buy you a FREE drink is the clincher that made you not want to call him, even though you were feelin this guy up to that point. Hilarious indeed.
By Beautiful
November 19, 2007 9:51 AM | Link to this
ImAPeach404 my co-worker agrees with u. i’m 50/50 now, because if he spends 30 mins or more of your time at a club, then … … … maybe he should at least offer.
By M'Karyl
November 19, 2007 9:53 AM | Link to this
It’s funny, I never have and never will go out with the expectation that a man needs to buy my drinks. I have been going out by myself to bars, clubs, etc. since I was 17 years old. I go out to enjoy myself and have a good time. And it shows. And as a result of my “good-spirited” nature, many people-men and women have picked up my tab, paid for some drinks. But, I do the same for others too-it is a part of the social bar culture. But never expect it from a man simply because he is a man. And only allow him to do so if he is a gentleman.
By Jazzyone
November 19, 2007 9:55 AM | Link to this
Morning ya!
I roll into a club with my own bank and usually purchase my drink from the gate..trust it..and have been known to send some out….as a gesture…
I don’t know about anyone else up in here but I don’t frequent bars to fall in love but to be social, network and enjoy conversations, laugh talk smile and yes meet and entertain conversations and the like.
In that time im out I don’t find it unusal for a Man to send over a drink and I have done so myself to break the ice and its a gesture..not to get married, not to have his baby but a gesture a compliment a way to say hi..i think its all about the company one keeps and the type of places one frequents that will garner the responses that have been shown thus far. Lay down with a puppy you catch fleas..rub up against a rose bush your a*s will get thorns..feel me??? Im not up in any spot where a man is trippin about buying a drink or calling me a chicken head while hes sending me one nor do I play with little boys with that mentality so um….holla ya..
By SexyLeggs
November 19, 2007 9:56 AM | Link to this
Rell, I may be wrong on this, but I think (not talking about myself, truly, I’m not) a lot of women think that if a man approaches them in a bar and want to converse but not buy them a drink he is a “cheapo.” By not buying that first drink, women tend to size up a man quickly in terms of his willingness to freely treat a stranger what they term “a mere drink.” Men look at it as “why should I buy you a drink when I don’t even know you. This is the first thing you ask me after I say hello?” Hell to da Naw!! JMO…
By Rell
November 19, 2007 9:58 AM | Link to this
I am loads of fun, a great conversationalist and that is what my men friends enjoy!!! I partied with the world in the ATL and quite often never spent a dime.
^^^thats why your tab was paid…you were not waiting around to see if they would
By ImAPeach404
November 19, 2007 10:01 AM | Link to this
M’Karyl see, i think you’re on to something!!! I neve thought about it like that :) He still had the nerve to ask about my after-plans.
Wow, so if dude has bad teeth, a bad part in his head, a bad laugh…he’s not the one.
Dan, he is DEFINITELY not the one if he has bad teeth!!!
Rell, if he orders the sprite - because we’ve already established that he’s not buying anything - then it makes a good first impression.
Beautiful I do/did buy my own drinks. I don’t drink alcohol, so I get my little sprite and keep it moving. When I go out, I do come prepared to get my own stuff, but the point here is about first impressions. Like I said before, he was obviously interested in the spirit of the topic today - it would have made a pleasant first impression. Thats all. I didn’t offer to buy him a drink b/c I wasn’t interested in him. I’ve done it before, it’s not a big deal. It’s just a drink :)
By SexyLeggs
November 19, 2007 10:02 AM | Link to this
I’m playing the devil’s advocate here…*E - you guys are missing the whole point here. IT WAS FREE!!! Your wallet wouldn’t have even had to make an appearance.” Then why should he have offered to buy you a drink. He knew it was free just like you did. To me, this was merely a test to see if he thought enough about instantly to offer to buy you a drink. I don’t get it. It was free so why even waste mental space on the fact that he didn’t offer.
My mother taught me early on when I started going out. Pay for your own, don’t expect squat from a man. Everybody’s playing a game in the club. Meet up with them on another day to get to know the stranger in the club.
By Dan
November 19, 2007 10:03 AM | Link to this
I see now why they call you Wordsmith that comment was dead on and I could have said it any better myself.
Let’s see how she responds…..
By M'Karyl
November 19, 2007 10:03 AM | Link to this
Words:
The disqualifying list is not about physical traits. They are primarily based on emotional, psychological, spiritual and intellectual traits. My only physical requirement is that he be a beautiful chocolate brother-like a dark, fine Godiva treat!
By kinderbabe
November 19, 2007 10:03 AM | Link to this
good morning, all. i’m amazed at the soft drink theory. never heard of that. everything to drink, even water costs at the bar…lol.
By DreamsMaterialize
November 19, 2007 10:05 AM | Link to this
You shouldn’t use a first impression to determine a person’s character, but rather to decide if you actually want to know more about that person. One of the main disadvantages of first impressions is that they are environment-dependent. First impressions are affected by the context in which you meet that person. Take the same person, change the environment in which you meet them, you probably get a different first impression.
For the sprite girl: If I’m going to a place that we all know is a pick-up joint (club, bar, whatever), then my aim is get as many numbers as I can. No way in hell I’m buying drinks for every number I put in my pocket. So, is a drink the price I have to pay for your time? My time is just as important as yours, so buy my drink.
By Staceye
November 19, 2007 10:07 AM | Link to this
Binford I feel you on dealbreakers. I take it you don’t have kids. People get mad at you because you do not wish to date a woman with kids. I am kidless and I prefer to date a man without kids as well. Now I must admit it lowers the amount of eligible men.
ImAPeach404 Guy #1…I definitely would not call. You would be setting yourself up for a lot of arguments! Been there..done that…bought the t-shirt! I don’t like the fit!
Kym as NY’er….I have to say HA! My Jets kicked your butts! LOL My Giants beat Detroit! LOL
But I feel you…after a guy talks to me for a while, they always say, “you are not at all what I thought you’d be”. I have to ask..they always say they thought I’d be stuck up. Then I have to let them know I am an undercover goofball/dork! LOL
As far as the drink buying thing. I do not expect it…it always happens though. If a guy approaches me and we speak for a while and he offers to buy me a drink….it does give him more of a footing with me. Now if he doesn’t…that doesn’t mean he loses any value. After all…he just met me. I had a guy walk up after I order my drink and as I lookin my purse to get my money…he told the bartender to put it on his tab. He said God blessed him…so put my money away. He asked my name and I asked his and he said, “nice to meet you….enjoy your night”, and he went about his business. It’s like if you meet a guy in the club and he ask you and your friends to go breakfast after the club…I think it’s nice that he pays for you if he invites you. But do I expect it…NO! But again…it’s more of a leg up due to the fact that he invited you. But I always prepare to go dutch!
By Beautiful
November 19, 2007 10:07 AM | Link to this
you know what, i’m going back to what i first said. i tend to agree with Mo sometimes. i have paid for dinners and have reached for many tabs. that’s just me.
what’s wrong with those falcons, omg? my 49ers aren’t really lookin’ that bad. lol.
By Bre
November 19, 2007 10:09 AM | Link to this
Good Morning to all, I hope that you are well.
On Topic I suck at first impressions, I’m the worst. I come off the total opposite. Many think I’m very stuck up and mean, its just I have a pretty high wall up it takes me a minute to relax. I joke alot with my friends they don’t me serious at all, but with new people around they think everything coming out of my mouth is true or I’m bat crazy. There is a little too much of Tash Smith’s character from WDIGM, in me I guess.
Go Packers I am so loving me some Brett right about now. Thank goodness there are no Patriots fans around here, they are getting on my last nerve.
By binford
November 19, 2007 10:11 AM | Link to this
Since we’ve veered off-topic in to the Theory of Bar Etiquette I’ll simply say this.
The game of life is simply geared to woman’s and women are conditioned to expect special treatment (as it’s rooted in archaic tradition). It is an exception and not a rule that a woman buy a drink, send flowers, etc to a man. A woman wouldn’t open a door for me nor get down on a knee to propose to me or, hell, even approach me.
As we’re approaching the “holiday season” see how many ads target men’s jewelry(none). If you watch, most ads are about what to get her and portray men as sports-watching-doofuses.
I’m for changing this! Who is with me?
By Dan
November 19, 2007 10:11 AM | Link to this
Uh-oh Jazzy is on one.
Like you Jazz, I send drinks to “get a conversation going or to say hi..”
However, it’s the expectation that a woman’s conversation or mere presence warrants a drink (believe me the attitude is out there). If we on the floor grooving, and I see you with the perspiration, of course, I’m to the bar and back with water.
But if after the gyrating you expect me to “reward” you with a drink….I’d rather just give the $5 dollars for the table dance, like at any strip club.
Note: to Jazzy, and any other female, the word you was used as a gerand pronoun replacement and not intended to offend anyone.
By SexyLeggs
November 19, 2007 10:12 AM | Link to this
Thanks kinderbabe, thought I was the only one!
By kinderbabe
November 19, 2007 10:13 AM | Link to this
wordsmith i didn’t read anywhere about a list of disqualifying “physical” attributes. i think there’s a little hypersensitivity going on here. this is what m’karyl said: So for me it is less about the first impression than it is about how the individual’s character, lifestyle issues and personality measure up to the “disqualifying” list of traits and behaviors that I find unacceptable. you may have overinterpreted this statement. what i got from it was that m’karyl has some qualities that she looks for overall. if the first impression of a man shows something that wouldn’t be in accordance w/her standards, then she would go w/her feelings first. i don’t see an issue w/that.
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 10:14 AM | Link to this
BlogMen what does you’re cool mean after you ask thoughts after a date…
By Kym-Proud Steeler Nation Member since 1994
November 19, 2007 10:14 AM | Link to this
Nawww I am with Dan on this one…T-Pain and all this bling mentality have women(especially younger women-say those born after 1980) jacked up. They think if a guy talks with you for 30mins he owes you a drink. How about like Jazzy suggested you buy your own from jump..and go to the club to enjoy yourself. But to base a guy’s worth on if he buys your drink is Foolishness Bring your own cash, buy your own drink, enjoy the atmosphere..done.
By M'Karyl
November 19, 2007 10:16 AM | Link to this
Rell Hardly my friend. I am well liked my many people and they enjoy my company. I make people feel good. I can carry on conversations on a variety of subjects and I can spend several hours in a social bar and meet interesting people. I am a tru social diva.
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 10:16 AM | Link to this
Hey KB!!! A few more hours…LOL
By GetOverIt
November 19, 2007 10:17 AM | Link to this
Hey ImAPeach404 maybe he knew they were free and didn’t want to seem like a jerk offering to buy something that didn’t cost anything.
However, I do agree with ImAPeach about the whole offering to buy a drink. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t call a guy later or take his phone calls but it is kind of nice to see a guy be traditional in that way. It also indicates the guy probably has enough money to take me out. I am old fashioned in that way. I do expect a guy to pay, although I prepare for the opposite. Although, I turn down drinks when I think the guy is just trying to get me drunk or I know I am not interested.
Also, I have bought drinks for guys before just sort of depends on the situation. If he hesitates to offer to buy a 6 or 7 dollar drink my first thoughts are either a) he is cheap/broke or b) he has tried this too many times before and it hasn’t worked or c) he just really isn’t that into me (even if he has gotten a number). I mean honestly, a girl like Carmen Diaz or Halle Berry walked into that bar, I seriously doubt she wouldn’t have a dozen drinks offered before 30 minutes had passed. What does that mean?
By SexyLeggs
November 19, 2007 10:19 AM | Link to this
Tazzee, where are you? I know there’s no shame in your game up here in blogsville…LOL..While flipping the channel and saw the final score, I immediately thought of you. Issa sorry!
By DasV (yea, its me)
November 19, 2007 10:19 AM | Link to this
sexyLeggs i never knew that either… LOL. anytime any of my crew was ordering just a coke, the flask was whisked out!
on the new topic after only 30 minutes, you havent earned the right to get my number so i wouldve declined giving it to him, but i wouldve offered buy him a drink. dont go into anything expecting something, thats selfish!
and really how much could i know you in thirty minutes…. its loud, ppl are constantly passing and interrupting us, if we dance there is less chance we have conversed on a level warranting the exchange of numbers… plus everyone knows that once numbers are exchange you or i, or both are moving on to seek other prospects….
naaa, i wanna see how you handle me buying you a drink and if you reciprocate. some do, some dont. i had one guy who i bought a drink for, come back later in the night to buy one for me, even though i was standing with another guy…. so i up one on him and bought him and the chick he had been chatting up for a while a drink (she was standing with a henniken). he was so impressed with that, and she was such a mess with handling it, he was back over to me and we went to breakfast. i rarely if ever paid for anything after that, the whole time we hung out…..
i think guys need to know that they arent taking on a liability… they need to know that we women are secure with spending our own money and handling our own situation before they comfortably invite us to share in their situation… correct me if i am wrong blog bruthas
i am more impressed with who you are, than what you do… and in club, there IS a difference. its only over time that i get to know you. the intrigue is the spit-game that you have… just know that i got my own too. after that, if you’re intrigued and want to know more and i am too, then lets exchange numbers and hang out outside of the club……on the real topic….. thats when the ‘first impression’ begins for me.
By Dan
November 19, 2007 10:19 AM | Link to this
@ Lady J
That’s a question that you:
Never ask;
Only ask in the morning on your way out(if you catch my drift).
No offense but asking someone opinion of you after any number of dates sounds a little needy.
By DasV (yea, its me)
November 19, 2007 10:20 AM | Link to this
WORDS you’ve got mail.
By Beautiful
November 19, 2007 10:22 AM | Link to this
binford u haven’t met me or others like me yet! i have bought one ring, many flowers, balloons, dinners, drinks, etc. it’s fun and the look on their faces … … . priceless.
By Jazzyone
November 19, 2007 10:22 AM | Link to this
Dan LOL at your note..I hear ya dude…I guess my view is I don’t expect it and think that train of thought is ludicrous..so Im sure there are women out there that this topic applies to…
By M'Karyl
November 19, 2007 10:23 AM | Link to this
KinderBabe:
Thanks for feeling me on that one. That is exactly what I meant. In fact, I am the one who is always judged by my physical appearance when it comes to men. It is assumed that because I am physically atttractive that I am not an intellectual. I stopped dating when I lived in the ATL. I have great social and platonic freindships with a lot of men, but I gave up the dating scene because I did not dig the demeaning games.
By Blue_Kolla
November 19, 2007 10:24 AM | Link to this
What up blog…
Peach/Thirsty Broads I know dudes have issues with buying drinks and all, but if you’ve talked for a while, displayed your interest, and already gave her your number AND all she wants is a (free) sprite/soda…… come on!
Sorry slick, but you mean nothing to me when I meet you at the club or wherever else. I’m going to be nice and cordial, but I feel no need or want to IMPRESS you by buying you anything. And if me going into my pocket is what it takes to “impress” you, then I’m gon’ tell you to git da fugg!
Oh yoll kill me… How about while we’re standing there waiting, you offer me a shoulder rub… you know, just to be impressive. YRB
By The Truth
November 19, 2007 10:24 AM | Link to this
Morning blogsville.
Go Facons. Go Go Go. LOL
On topic: Sexy what you don’t understand is that drink wouldn’t have been free for the guy. Had he facilitated that drink he would be sending a message that he was quite willing to foot the bill for some chick he spoke with for 30 minutes. If she enjoyed his convo so much she was free to buy him a drink. Someone in here said, I think it was Rell, that if a chick won’t break bread with you she’s not down for you. Thats as true as it gets. Ol boy did the right thing. If me buying you things wasn’t the nature of our relationship before lets keep it that way. Also, being a “cheapo” is not the worst thing in the world.
Im you said you weren’t interested in him so would that have changed had he got you the drink?
On 1st impressions, I do what I do and if thats cool with her its all good. I’m not changing if its not.
Du I know you’ll pop in here later. Are you familar with Sal and Willie from down your way?
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 10:26 AM | Link to this
ok Dan although i don’t get your drift but won’t ask again…J
By BLAT
November 19, 2007 10:27 AM | Link to this
Peachy baby…. now you should know better. How long u been bloggin? You’re not gonna get any love one this blog from the MLB if you talkin ‘bout EXPECTING any man to buy you a drank. We have a very low opinion of “Drink Fairies” on the blog.
And what does it say about YOU that you would knock a man out da box whom you otherwise vibed with over a SPRITE???
By SexyLeggs
November 19, 2007 10:27 AM | Link to this
If he hesitates to offer to buy a 6 or 7 dollar drink my first thoughts are either a) he is cheap/broke or.. GetOver just confirmed my earlier post in terms of what some women think.
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 10:27 AM | Link to this
Ok Dan I read it again and I get it your drift and I am not needy but I get what you are saying…J
By ImAPeach404
November 19, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this
…physical attributes take precendence over internal character Wordsmith, Now I cannot speak for M’Karyl, but in the spirit of the topic here - first impressions - if your first impression is that you’re not physically attracted to a person, then it’s highly likely that you miss the opportunity to learn their internal character. If the topic were more along the lines of us discussing being attracted to someone mentally and not physically yet you still won’t date them… then I would say that someone should reverse their priorities and the risk would be greater.
E, its not the dollar amount, or the lack of in this case, it’s the thought and the offer that are impressive. So, I’m not missing anything here. And, who said I was feeling him? Where did you read that?
Beautiful, at that point it had been about 30 minutes… he was in my face the entire night. To me, it was about the offer…
By Cemeeli
November 19, 2007 10:31 AM | Link to this
Hello Everyone Sorry to be so late…but prayer/supplication for the youth…
…tryin to channel what the boys thought about when the attack occured. The girl was probably pretrified.
…just in a daze today about that…needed somewhere to expel my sentiments. .Thx family.
By Dan
November 19, 2007 10:32 AM | Link to this
Shout out to Das V.
That little story was hot! I consider myself a smooth brother, but if a woman sent me and the babe I’m currently talking to a drink…I might act up! Make a B-line straight for her as that may well be the most pimp move I’ve ever seen.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again here, I had a homegirl and we’d go out and guys would buy her drinks all night, just to chop it up with her. Whether we were sitting together or walking around seperately, I could be assured that I’d get a tap on my shoulder with my drink of that night. Every single dude that bought her drink, bought me one.
Other than that Das you got the pimp move….Mind if I borrow it sometime?
By SexyLeggs
November 19, 2007 10:38 AM | Link to this
he was in my face the entire night. To me, it was about the offer… and Peach404 you stayed for those 30 mins not really interested in the dude, but merely waiting for the offer. I don’t get it!
By M'Karyl
November 19, 2007 10:38 AM | Link to this
On a re-read of some of these post, I find interestng the men took my “disqualifying list” to be based on the physical attributes. Ha! Ha!. I guess they assumed that I assess them the same way the assess me-strictly on my physical appearance. No wonder I choose to be single!
By M'Karyl
November 19, 2007 10:39 AM | Link to this
On a re-read of some of these post, I find interestng the men took my “disqualifying list” to be based on the physical attributes. Ha! Ha!. I guess they assumed that I assess them the same way the assess me-strictly on my physical appearance. No wonder I choose to be single!
By Page1908
November 19, 2007 10:40 AM | Link to this
OMG are we talking about dudes buying drinks for girls in the club (again)? Lawd…ummm…ok ladies, what happened to you wanting to be “independent”? Buy your own drink. I’m trying to figure out if the issue is that dude should at least offer or what? I’m telling you, I totally see where some dudes are coming from on the whole debate regarding independent women.
By Dan
November 19, 2007 10:40 AM | Link to this
@ Lady J
Darling, I wasn’t accusing or assigning any characteristic to you. Not at all. If you got that impression, I apologize.
Think of it like a guy rolling over asking that question….
It might not hit you at first, but you’ll think about it and see his insecurities immediately.
By E
November 19, 2007 10:41 AM | Link to this
@Peach404
I know you didnt say you were feelin him, but it certainly could be inferred by the way your post was written. If you don’t feel you’re missing anything, then cool. All I can say is based on some of the other posts directed to you, you clearly are.
By Staceye
November 19, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this
Wordsmith if there is no physica attraction..there will be nothing. It is what’s first. You are not going to talk to the ugliest person just because you think they will treat you well. You must have chemistry. Now if that person comes to be in the friend zone…then the possibility of something poppin’ off is a go. But that is after the personality gets the time to shine. But at first glance…you are not checking for that ugly person. That’s just human nature.
Bre I too have a little of Tasha Smith’s character in me. I say what I feel….not a tongue biter!
By kinderbabe
November 19, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this
m’karyl/sexyleggs i understood what you meant. people get a little stiff in the back when folks start talking about having standards. i guess someone caught a flashback of when someone’s standards disqualified them from the game…oh well…lol. but seriously, first impressions are such a catch 22 b/c you never know what “side” of the person you’re meeting that day. i have had situations where i met a guy on his “worse case scenario” day and thought he was an absolute jerk…under different circumstances, he could have been a total sweetheart. i have days like that too so i can relate…lol.
it’s funny b/c i’ve met and know couples who are very happily married that had not so good first impressions of each other. one of my girls absolutely couldn’t stand her husband when she first met him…lol. the last thing on her mind was going on a date w/him, let alone getting married. i guess in the end it just comes down too the right opportunity to see the person for who they really are.
By Beautiful
November 19, 2007 10:44 AM | Link to this
you stayed for those 30 mins not really interested in the dude, but merely waiting for the offer. I don’t get it!
i knew that was comin’, lol.
By GetOverIt
November 19, 2007 10:45 AM | Link to this
So, SexyLeggs First, love your name. Takes a really man to use it. Second, I talk with guys that don’t buy me a drink. However, I would notice if I walked up to the bar after talking to you for 30 minutes and have you order a drink right next to me and not offer to buy a drink. My judgement would depend on the situation, I guess.
Of course, I wouldn’t walk up to a bar following you b/c I wouldn’t want you to feel obligated to buy me a drink. So, I guess it just really, really depends on the situation.
I don’t actually like meeting men in bars though. So the point is kind of moot.
As for first impression, the best advice I have ever heard is be friends with a person before you date them. Guards are down and you get to meet the real person, not the guarded one. It would be great if everyone had a mandatory “waiting” (being friends only) period before they could date.
By Dan
November 19, 2007 10:46 AM | Link to this
@ M Karyl
Specificity and semantics define conversation. I had no idea what the “disqualifying list” consisted of.
But you are right, it was my bias that assigned value to your statement.
So that means you date and ugly dude that passed the “test”?
By Page1908
November 19, 2007 10:48 AM | Link to this
LOL @ waiting 30 minutes for a dude to offer to buy a Sprite at the club! Seriously?! ctfu
By Blue_Kolla
November 19, 2007 10:48 AM | Link to this
Wordsmith What good does it do for a man to take his own character development seriously, if the woman he’s interested in doesn’t apply the same weight?
Because as a Man, if you don’t work on your inside game, you’ll constantly end up taking out the trash. That’s MAN tip #16.
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 10:52 AM | Link to this
Got you Dan and that is what I am saying in my head…other issues going on and I just didn’t understood at first and I read it again and know you weren’t blasting me!!! Thanks again for your thoughts! J
By Dave
November 19, 2007 10:52 AM | Link to this
All I look at is the overall impression they give off. Not the looks, clothes, mask they wear, but the real thing.
I can tell if someone has a bad feeling or not in less than a second. This goes for everyone I meet. I am pretty accurate at it as well.
By M'Karyl
November 19, 2007 10:54 AM | Link to this
Well KinderBabe:
I have learned that it is not so much about standards as it is about compatability boundaries. Some lifestyles and personalities just do not mix. I am not changing who I have chosen to be in order to mate with someone, nor do I expect anyone to change to be with me. Some things just will not work in a relationship and I prefer to avoid those things I have learned ain’t making my baby kick.
By Dan
November 19, 2007 10:54 AM | Link to this
I’m with Kinder.
Like I said you might catch the “D” on a bad day like I might catch you on yours.
The common denominator though is attractiveness. I might be a AH at frist meeting, but if you/I are cute enough, that second meeting will go a lot more smoothly. Trust, that happens all the time. (I do it purposely sometimes)
By Tazzee
November 19, 2007 10:55 AM | Link to this
Morning folks!
Haven’t read all the comments but I had to stop and say that I will nevah hide my face regarding them Falcons. Yes, it was a horrible showing but I had the best time socializing! I usually stay at my seat the entire game - I was walking around, flirting and just having a ball - so the day was not all lost.
Dr. Kym I’m usually on your side, how you gone stick the knife in deeper and turn it?
Lady J umm, I thought you were banned from the dome this month. What were you doing out?
2can I still love you, but no love for you today, LOL.
On topic I keep a mental list of things that impress me or turn me off about a guy as I’m getting to know him, but I never reject someone based on first impressions alone.
Now let me go back and read what you guys are fighting about because I know someone is fighting, LOL.
By aaa
November 19, 2007 10:56 AM | Link to this
I LOVE THIS BLOG!!! @DR. KYM IS FAT FROM THE PREVIOUS POST, SO NOONE THINKS YOUR PRISSY YOUR STUFFED. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A MAN BUYING A WOMAN A DRINK,RATHER CLUB SODA OR COKE IF YOU HAVE CONVERSATION, PLEASE BUY ME A DRINK@PEACH YOU ARE RIGHT. HE SHOULDVE. ITS BEENING COURTEOUS AND YOU ARE USING MY TIME FOR ME TO SPEND WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL BUY ME A DRINK. HE WAS CHEAP I TAKE IT. JUST LIKE ALL THESE MEN ON THIS BOARD THAT THINK A MAN SHOULDNT BUY YOU A DRINK, THE WOMEN WHO THINK YOU WERE WRONG ARE CHEAP HOES. THATS QUITE APPARENT. THEY LIKE MCDONALDS FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER. THEY PUT OUT FAST AND WONDER WHY THEY DONT HAVE A MAN!!!
By binford
November 19, 2007 10:56 AM | Link to this
Beautiful I’d be all about meeting a girl that would do those things. Us guys like feel special and wanted and fawned over too!
(fawn is a very un-manly word, btw)
By Lady J
November 19, 2007 10:57 AM | Link to this
HEY Cemeeli!!!:)
By ImAPeach404
November 19, 2007 10:58 AM | Link to this
Dang - I cannot even reply to everyone. It wasn’t my intent for the topic to get like this,so to get back to the original topic…
By DasV (yea, its me)
November 19, 2007 10:59 AM | Link to this
DaN honestly i think that now-a-days too many women would be suspect of that kindof move… i know i would. lookin back it was a good thing that the drink wasnt laced, or that the man i was talkn to and the one buyin werent in on some sick game… the world just aint what it used to be.
but for what it was, when it was, it was all good.
By DreamsMaterialize
November 19, 2007 10:59 AM | Link to this
M’Karyl
I once dated a woman who “hated” everything. We couldn’t go to new restaurants or try new food because she basically “hated” every food that she didn’t grow up eating. She “hated” orange juice, she “hated” left-overs, she hated the way some people dressed… She had this loooooooooooong untouchable/unalterable list of things that she didn’t like about people, situations, places, etc. When I cut my hair, she must have had a fit because that was one of the things on the list. Needless to say that situation was short-lived. She was well within her rights to have any opinions she wanted, but it was the negativity that she associated with things she didn’t like that made it very unpleasant to be around her. So, I think brothers tend to shudder when they hear that a woman has a “list” because maybe they’re thinking that “list” comes hand-in-hand with that same negativity. Not saying you’re guilty of that, just offering my lil bit of insight.
By Wise Diva
November 19, 2007 11:00 AM |