AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2008 > May > 09 > Entry
80-20 Rule in Dating?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Over lunch recently, BFFs: Grandeur Girl and Princess C. asked me about a recent date. When I said that there wasn’t a real connection, as far as I could tell, they asked me why. I admitted that it was probably me.
Full disclosure: I was not really excited about going out with him. When I first met him at a friend’s birthday dinner, I could have sworn I felt a spark. However, in the conversations leading up to our date, the sparks went M.I.A. No pun intended, really.
Then I had a horrifying thought: Was I becoming the bitter and jaded single chick? Oh, you know who she is, don’t you? She nitpicks and complains about every single thing about men, ruling them out for no good reason. Did I just up and relocate to Bitter City unknowingly?! Man diet ring any bells?
In his book, Your Girlfriends Only Know So Much, Atlanta’s own, Finesse Mitchell talked about the 80-20 rule. Mr. Mitchell, the oh so fine comic, says that if a guy is not 100% of what you want, but has 80% of what’s most important, you don’t toss him out all willy nilly over the 20%!
What are your thoughts about the 80-20 dating rule? If you met someone that embodied 80% of the important traits, could you make it work in a relationship?
Let’s also consider this: some women have a bad habit of dating men based on potential (read: her idea of potential for him). To wit: my friend Panama muses: “It’s like a man is every woman’s potential playdough. Add just the right amount of TLC, throw in a little common sense, help him mature and then wham.. he could go from Morris Chestnut in Boyz In The Hood to Morris Chestnut in The Best Man”
From your experiences do you think singles break the 80/20 rule a lot? Conversely, are you guilty of dating someone’s potential instead of accepting them as they are?
Happy Mother’s Day to all our Misadventures in Atlanta Mothers!
TGIF!
Permalink | Comments (348) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Comments
By Blow Me a.k.a MOST HATED ON
May 9, 2008 8:15 AM | Link to this
Good Morning All
Breakfast: Smoothies and Protein shakes…..and sausage n biscuits for all
Hi If you can get %80 of what you need that is good enough. I am fully aware that I will not get %100. I am not a %100 so I can’t ask for it. Also I will be back to comment later.
By Lady J
May 9, 2008 8:22 AM | Link to this
Thanks Diva!!!! My 2nd yr as a rocking mama!!!! I am excited!!! Happy Friday all!!!
By 6'1 & Luvin it (Dayuumit Man)
May 9, 2008 8:23 AM | Link to this
Blow Appreciate cha with the light breakfast this morning chica! After all that I served on yesterday this will be just fine although I will like to add fresh fruit & pepsi’s for all.
By Lady J
May 9, 2008 8:31 AM | Link to this
It is all about give and take and RESPECT!!! J will not be used or taken for boo boo the fool!!! I am not perfect and I am not looking for Mr. Perfect just a MAN I am compaitible with!!! I have also figured out I love to hard and not that I am becoming bitter but I am gaurding my heart!
By Bit-O-Honey
May 9, 2008 8:33 AM | Link to this
Morning, Happy Friday this is a great topic WD. I will have a smoothie and turkey sausage Blow, preciate cha girlie!
On topic: I have left a great man for the 20% he didn’t seem to offer. At the time the 20% he didn’t give was more important than the 80% that he did. My priorities were very different then. sighHe’s going to make some lucky woman a wonderful husband and father.
Mom’s on her way to Atlanta, can’t wait til she gets here! I’m so excitable!!
By Satoria Lynn
May 9, 2008 8:35 AM | Link to this
Happy Mother’s Day!
How is everyone? I believe I play by the rules. I can remember when I didn’t, but that was my lost and no regrets here! You have to know what you are looking for. If you really want me to be real, every person should have a list. When checking that list off, see if the end results shows lower than 80%. If lower than 80%, you have a decision to make. A person should not settle for less. Don’t wind up being lonely and depressed with this person 2 years down the line. What a waste of time for you and him. One thing you should pass on, no chemistry. JMO. You can’t really build this. My friend did prove me wrong years ago though. Good for her!
By SlimOne
May 9, 2008 8:39 AM | Link to this
If anyone expects to get 100% or even 99.99999% of what they want in another person, they need to slip on this nice little straight jacket, take a tray of meds, and have rubberbands tightly wrapped around your ipples until your circulation is cut off. Btw, top of the morning to all yall. lol
By QC
May 9, 2008 8:41 AM | Link to this
Morning - Happy Mom’s Day Rules are made to be broken..and i don’t like them. I hope you all have a blessed day/weekend. All the Men in my Department are treating all the Ladies to brunch today out on the patio…ahhh, ain’t that sweet I’ll chime in later, gotta do a little work ;)
By GaMan
May 9, 2008 8:42 AM | Link to this
Happy Mothers Day to all the Mothers
By kinderbabe
May 9, 2008 8:46 AM | Link to this
good morning all! great topic. it reminds me of “why did i get married?” i just love that movie.:)
i think sometimes it’s easy for men and women to get caught up in the grass is greener syndrome. having player type girlfriends and guyfriends makes it even worse. it reinforces the idea that there’s something “better” out there waiting. some have to learn the hard way that the something “better” was who they had all along…lol. not making a comparison and focusing on your 80% rule is what’s important. that type of criteria will vary b/c our needs are different.
By Ava
May 9, 2008 8:48 AM | Link to this
It all depends on what compiles that 20%. And to remember that the 20% varies from person to person. So what’s great in one guy might drive you bat$h1t in another.
The real issue is if you think you’re settling - that thought will eat at you until both are completely miserable. If he’s right for you and you’re right for him, you’ll work through anything.
By lovelyliz
May 9, 2008 8:52 AM | Link to this
As long as he doesn’t break one of the deal breaking rules give him a shot.
By AmazonRed
May 9, 2008 8:53 AM | Link to this
Happy Friday everyone. Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers. It’s good to be home!
That 80-20 rule also appeared in the movie “Why Did I Get Married” though it was directed at the men. Supposedly, that’s what leads them to cheat, chasing after that 20%
As for if a guy is not 100% of what you want, but has 80% of what’s most important, you don’t toss him out all willy nilly over the 20%!
I agree. However, we all say we’d go for 80% but lets be honest ladies, we’d toss him if he was a great guy with 80% or more but he was bad in bed or there was a lack of chemistry. Sometimes his few faults bear more weight than his attributes. I can admit that and I’m also okay with that!!!
By Raqi
May 9, 2008 8:55 AM | Link to this
I know I have said it a least 10-15 times on this very site, 7 out 10 is a keeper. If you take your 10 absolute must-haves and can effortlessly get a solid 7 there are good possibilities.
However, the three that I was willing to compromise on (IMO) was something that does not affect our livelihood or my sanity.
And yes we women always see where we can fix the other 20% given ample amount of time and material.
By Satoria Lynn
May 9, 2008 8:56 AM | Link to this
Thought this might help you:
The List
Responsible Spiritual Religious Humble Confident Flexible Fair Respectful Intelligent Intellectual Interested in Culture Good with Children Humanitarian Not Materialistic Positive Gentle Appreciative Sensitive Giving Adventurous Calm Philosophical Good Communicator Good Self-Esteem Likes to Laugh Good Tempered Charming Not Flirtatious Independent Spontaneous Sense of Humor Affectionate Able to Listen Well Likes Learning new Things Adventuresome Good Mannered Organized Thoughtful Giver Likes to do things for others Respects Me Understanding Knows how to Compromise Wants Marriage
By Raqi
May 9, 2008 8:57 AM | Link to this
Oh yeah Happy Mother’s Day.
By V
May 9, 2008 8:57 AM | Link to this
This is a very good topic thanks for discussing. Their are time when people do feel the grass is greener on the other side, until they really look at the grass.
I think the 80/20 rule is a good one. Men and women need to really take time out to figure out what they are looking for in the opposite sex.
By Darrell (www.blackthen.com)
May 9, 2008 8:57 AM | Link to this
Morning, all.
“Mr. Mitchell…says that if a guy is not 100% of what you want, but has 80% of what’s most important, you don’t toss him out all willy nilly over the 20%!”
I concur with this in principle. However, a primary reason the 80/20 Rule isn’t applied in a more practial sense is because for too many women, that 20% is still comprised of too many “non-negotiable” expectations.
For example, a woman might indeed be willing to be flexible with regard to a particular expectation she might have for a mate (i.e. a man’s height), but if the result is that she simply replaces that expectation with another one, she’s defeating the whole purpose of the 80/20 rule to begin with and the “willy-nilly” cycle continues, because now there’s a new standard that the guy has to meet. Same percentage, different expectation.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
By Lady J
May 9, 2008 9:04 AM | Link to this
Raqi for real why do we or me truly feel we can fix another person or deal with bs for sake of??? That is the other process I am letting go…Peolpe are who they are their own character! God gives us wisdom and common sense to filter out nonsense in any area of our life for real!
By I am Legend
May 9, 2008 9:04 AM | Link to this
Panama muses: “It’s like a man is every woman’s potential playdough. Add just the right amount of TLC, throw in a little common sense, help him mature and then wham.. he could go from Morris Chestnut in Boyz In The Hood to Morris Chestnut in The Best Man”
^^this line of thinking get women in trouble everytime…..you cannot change anyone!!!!
that 20 percent is sometimes better than the 80…and hell the grass is green on the other side just like it is green on my side.
By Mo (aka Moeisha)
May 9, 2008 9:05 AM | Link to this
Hey Everybody!! TGIF! I hope everyone has a great weekend! Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommies in Blogsville! I am excited about this holiday myself.
BRB on topic, thanks for the smoothie 6’1
Hey Lady J and Kinderbabe
By Lola
May 9, 2008 9:08 AM | Link to this
Men say they love independence in a woman, but they don’t waste a second demolishing it brick by brick.” — Candice Bergen
By Bit-O-Honey
May 9, 2008 9:10 AM | Link to this
Satoria Lynn where did this list come from?
To all who say they haven’t/wouldn’t toss for the 20% I think it all depends on what the 20% is comprised of like Ava said. If we’re honest, we’ve probably all dropped the 80% for the 20% at some stage of our dating lives. It’s so much easier said than done. Not to beat this adage to death but the grass looks greener on the other side until you get over there and figure out it spray painted green….ugh!
By Lady J
May 9, 2008 9:10 AM | Link to this
Hey Mo Happy Mother’s Day you ROCKING MAMA YOU!!!
By SlimOne
May 9, 2008 9:15 AM | Link to this
Sometimes all you want is that 20%…some dudes have .0003% and them some have a big juicy 35%. Muah ha ha ha
By Raqi
May 9, 2008 9:15 AM | Link to this
Darrell IMO when focusing on being in a meaningful relationship I wouldn’t include things such as height preferences into the mix. A relationship should be based on the more vital elements such as livelihood, family, companionship, sociability, shared interest and yes sexual compatibility.
By Blue_Kolla
May 9, 2008 9:16 AM | Link to this
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all of the moms.
80/20 in marriage is one thing, but you need to be 85/15 - 90/10 if we’re just kicking it.
Dem C’s ;)
By The Flying Mud Turtle
May 9, 2008 9:16 AM | Link to this
Sorry to intrude in the ladies room, but the curosity got the better of me. All I can say is this: I dated tons of American women before I had the fortune to visit overseas. There I met wonderful women and was fortunate that one accepted my offer to marry. Two kids later we’re still going strong. Friends ask me “why didn’t you marry a woman from this country?” All I can say is that once you’ve driven a BMW you never want to deal with a pinto again. Not to be rude, but keep being so picky. A lot of you are obsolete anyway, and the women of the world beyond these shores beckon.
By Satoria Lynn
May 9, 2008 9:17 AM | Link to this
Good morning Bit-O-Honey! It comes from an old read I have at home. I have bits and pieces of it scanned on my computer so I can get at it when I need to refresh.
By cool breeze
May 9, 2008 9:17 AM | Link to this
I think women think too damn much and it ruins alot of relationships for them. They also tend to think they can change a man (which they can’t) and even dating “potential” is really dating to try and change a man. Why date a man that you want to change? Then he won’t be himself anymore but your creation and like dr. frankenstein some women in trying to change a man suceed in creating monsters. Just think of the phrase “I love you” this to me means when you say it that you are saying you love the person for who they are. The good,bad and indifferent. How they make you laugh and frustrate you. I love who you are is what you’re saying.
There are no perfect people so no good in looking for that. It’s impossible to find. I think men when we look at women look to find most of what we would want. We settle for less most times since modern women no longer for the most part are supportive of their men and cook and use having a job as an excuse to do less. Women on the other hand who routinely say “they want it all” (I’ve not heard any man ever say he wanted it all. Men just want their slice and to be left the hell alone), look for unrealistic things as perfect men who can fulfill their every physical and emotional need and whim. Also to know what they’re thinking before they think it.
I always let women be themselves because that’s who I want anyway. Just be you and do what you do naturally and I will evaluate how that fits my life and imma be me and hopefully it will work out.
By AmazonRed
May 9, 2008 9:19 AM | Link to this
If we’re honest, we’ve probably all dropped the 80% for the 20% at some stage of our dating lives. It’s so much easier said than done.
Honey Bit, exactly. I mean, if you’ve ever had a relationship in your adult years they’d better be of B grade (80%) or better of I’d think you’d be wasting your time! Sometimes you drop him for that 20% or maybe he drops you.
Anyone I’ve dated seriously has had 80%. We know great guys who are “just friends” who are 80%. So there is something more to this whole issue.
By THE FILTHY VILLIANOUS DK
May 9, 2008 9:20 AM | Link to this
Men date women based on their potential also.. The thing is people have to remember that everyone is an individual… They are of their own free will and free mind so they are going to do whatever it is they want to do.. You just have to get someone with whom you can accept their faults and they can accept yours. 80/20 70/30 60/40 whatever you can deal with.. .. Let me give you an example.. For years I smoked the Ganja and when my EX met me I had a drink and a blunt in hand. Fast forward we get married now all of a sudden its a problem.. Now in the back of my mind I was going to stop smoking but because she kept naggin me about it I smoked more.. Well that could be cause I was in a crazy mariage but anyway.. Now fast forward to present day and I dont smoke anymore.. I also dont drink like I used to because deep down inside we know whats right, but when someone is constantly yanking the chain we tend to break free and do whatever it is they hate..
By Darrell (www.blackthen.com)
May 9, 2008 9:21 AM | Link to this
Raqi “A relationship should be based on the more vital elements such as livelihood, family, companionship, sociability, shared interest and yes sexual compatibility.”
5^ and I completely agree with you. However, you and I both know that the operative word there is “should”.
Now that this topic has been raised by Wise, I wonder - in all honesty - how many women on this blog would be willing to admit that they’ve “violated” the 80/20 Rule for lesser reasons than the ones you mentioned in your comment. I’m really curious to know that and what they’ve learned as a result (if anything.)
By AmazonRed
May 9, 2008 9:23 AM | Link to this
LMAO at SlimOne!
By For Real
May 9, 2008 9:23 AM | Link to this
For Real now slapping the ish out of Satoria Lynn. The topic said 80%, you just described Jesus.
With that list in mine, 99% of the ladies would kick dude to the curve bc of no chemistry and he is bad in bed.
Awwwww dayummmmm here is yet another rule women will live their lives by because yall lack the ability to make good choices. If it doesn’t work then yall can blame the 80/20 rule, the 90 day no sex rule or any of the other20-30 rules yall develop to hide your poor decision making ability when it comes to men.
KP We have got to talk about your last post yesterday.
By QC
May 9, 2008 9:24 AM | Link to this
Hey BK, i been missing you Boo
Hey Darrell, have a great day!
By AmazonRed
May 9, 2008 9:25 AM | Link to this
Not to be rude, but keep being so picky.
Thanks Mud Turtle, will do!
By Mo (aka Moeisha)
May 9, 2008 9:25 AM | Link to this
Lady J well it aint easy bein a rockin mama but I think I manage! LOL Enjoy your day chica!!
By THE FILTHY VILLIANOUS DK
May 9, 2008 9:26 AM | Link to this
Oh and your friends ruin more relationsships that way because the 20 might not be nothing to you but let them tell it… Its the worst.. See again individual taste not the herd.. Keep ya friends out ya mix and you will have a prosperous relationship.. Shut your damn mouth.. I’m sorry but I hate that because ya’ll assume that your girls automatically have your best interest at heart..
By Satoria Lynn
May 9, 2008 9:28 AM | Link to this
Hi The Flying Mud Turtle! It’s not being picky, it’s picking who fits in our life. Why end up divorced three years later? Trust me we will by marrying the guy we have anything in common with. Let’s use some common sense, shall we. When you bought your car, did you buy the first one you saw? Well, did you?!?
By Willie Dynamite
May 9, 2008 9:28 AM | Link to this
Morning All,
First things First,I’d like to send a heartfelt Happy Mothers Day to all the blog Mothers That is truly to hardest and most important job you’ll ever have. It is also without a doubt the most rewarding.
On Topic- 80/20 huh. Let me say it like this and I’m sure most would disagree. Some men will keep the 80% and then go out and borrow the 20% elsewhere. Some women will just throw out the 80% in search of the other 20%. Women (Some) have an innate ability to convince themselves that they are settling if a Man doesn’t have ALL the things that they have decided are must haves. In my experiences most women have this until they get a lil older and wiser and really figure out what makes them happy.
By Lady J
May 9, 2008 9:30 AM | Link to this
Now Mo who said it was easy I just ebrace the journey and let it ride and do what it do!!! It just made a wonderful woman out of me!!! You do the same girlfriend!! Chk ur email in a few…
By The Truth
May 9, 2008 9:31 AM | Link to this
Happy Mothers Day to all the blog moms.
Even 80-20 is to strict. Find the few things that are very important to you and be happy. Alot of time we look for things in others we don’t possess ourselves. Some weak azz person wants a strong person or attractive person or driven person. If you possessed it yourself you wouldn’t need it from someone else.
Satoria that list is a crock. Anyone who uses it is a fool. If you dropped a guy because he didn’t possess one or 2 of those traits you’d be a fool and banished to singledom for life. Wait a minute…
We are so incredibly fugged up when we’ll let someone else type out a list of things we think should be important. SMDH
MO, Sexy, Lady, Raqi, 6’1 and eating it, Similac, IG, Jamo, and all the other moms are to report to Chateau Elan for a day of pampering followed by shopping at Phipps ($10,000 limit), all expenses paid. Gifts provided and funded by For Real.
Roses for all the single ladies keeping those eggs warm for a good swimmer.
By Bit-O-Honey
May 9, 2008 9:34 AM | Link to this
Darrell I can admit leaving the 80 for the 20, when the 20 was totally physical. Yeah, I did. The 80 relationship was good but he wasn’t meeting my physical needs entirely. The 20 was what I needed and so it seemed more important and carried more weight at the time.
Realize, this relationship stuff is a weighted scale and it changes. Subconsciously we all know the characteristics we want in a partner, but sometimes that id rears its head and it wants what it wants when it wants it.
By Raqi
May 9, 2008 9:35 AM | Link to this
LadyJ in terms of fixing for me would be something like the way he dresses. I like a well dressed man but was willing to let that be a “work wither”. In some things I am not willing to accept less but in physical, material stuff I could bend.
IMO if a grown man doesn’t have good work ethics there is nothing a woman can to change that permanently. Therefore that would be a no-go for me. Can’t fix that.
By Lady J
May 9, 2008 9:36 AM | Link to this
Now Truth you just made a sista’s day!!!! Thanks my fellow Blog Brotha!!!:)
By AmazonRed
May 9, 2008 9:37 AM | Link to this
Roses for all the single ladies keeping those eggs warm for a good swimmer.
LOL. Well, thank you Truth.
On another note, half my office has out today and the other half of us sound like frogs from all the partying in CA. Why did I come in today? Oh right, I had a 9:30 meeting and none of them are here. LOL
By Cemeeli
May 9, 2008 9:39 AM | Link to this
Morning!
Thanks to everyone for the Happy Mom’s Day wishes.
….hmmmmm….a mother…well…
It burdens and is hard for me to see him grow up, but I guess it would kill me quicker if he didn’t. We never know the love of the parent until we become parents ourselves. Since giving birth to my male child i’ve been continually making and learning from mistakes/trial/error…but…when i keep my mind on God’s will, my child finds in me what he needs.
for me the mother thing has been my best life lesson.
brb
By Mo (aka Moeisha)
May 9, 2008 9:39 AM | Link to this
Lady J I wouldnt trade being a rockin mama for nothing. I know it has made me a better woman ad even though I didnt think I was cut out for it, the Power that is said I would be fine and I am. Enjoying every moment, even when I am ready to get in that azz! LOL
For Real thanks for the Mother’s Day gifts!
By SlimOne
May 9, 2008 9:40 AM | Link to this
ARed I guess I was a little bit too early with that post. lol
By Lady J
May 9, 2008 9:41 AM | Link to this
Yep Raqi I can see your point! Goes back to values, morals, and sheer standards and expectations…Not false dreams!! Thanks!
By shell72
May 9, 2008 9:43 AM | Link to this
The 80-20 rule originated with a TD Jakes sermon years ago, funny how he never gets credit for it. I don’t buy into it. It’s too over simplistic in my opinion. Only you know what you’re willing to put up with in a relationship.
By mel
May 9, 2008 9:43 AM | Link to this
If it is the perfect will of God, both parties will be 100% compatible with one another. It should not be about what I want, because that does not please the Lord. I trust the Lord to bring the one that was made for me when the time is right. In the meantime, I strive to be the person that the Lord wants me to be.
By Satoria Lynn
May 9, 2008 9:43 AM | Link to this
The Truth Who asked you? It’s a list to refer to. A person can use that list anyway they feel appropriate. I bet you that someone on this blog took something from that list and has applied it already. What do you have to offer? What’s on your list? That’s right, a female who has a puddy and doesn’t care about anything else but getting you off. Am I wrong?
By Mo (aka Moeisha)
May 9, 2008 9:44 AM | Link to this
Sorry Truth! Thank you as well for the Mother’s Day gifts! LOL!
By Raqi
May 9, 2008 9:45 AM | Link to this
Darrell I will admit to settling for less with the Nature Guy. I would say he was a 50/50 guy.
By I am Legend
May 9, 2008 9:46 AM | Link to this
happy mothers day to all the beautiful ladies of the blog..
@flying turd…come on dude not this early…why attack them for no reason..so you went overseas and got you a maid..anyone can do that…you did not do anything special..you just went with the path of lest resistance..i am all for going abroad and laying the mack down…but not because its not cracking for me in the states..you read like a simp who had no game and went and PURCHASED a wife….ya square stay off the board if you have nothing of value to add…poo see aiggn!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By Darrell (www.blackthen.com)
May 9, 2008 9:46 AM | Link to this
Bit-O
Thanks for that 9:34. I appreciate your honesty. ;-)
By 2CPTG©
May 9, 2008 9:48 AM | Link to this
Good Morning Wise Diva…….I promise not to akk a fool today…….unless Raqi say some’n crazy..(‘sup lil mama)
Hey Cee….
And to all you Mothers, enjoy your day, Sunday….and you Mr. Moms, as well….
By shell72
May 9, 2008 9:48 AM | Link to this
The 80-20 rule originated with a TD Jakes sermon years ago, funny how he never gets credit for it. I don’t buy into it. It’s too over simplistic in my opinion. Only you know what you’re willing to put up with in a relationship.
By For Real
May 9, 2008 9:50 AM | Link to this
Thanks Truth. Ladies meet me in the ladeis showers to get your 10k.
For Real: Awwww Mo, looking good mamma.
Mo: Thank you For Real. This is soooo nice of you.
For Real: No problem Mo. Now, here is your 10k. (For Real now counting out Mo’s money) 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 35, 40, 45, 50,…
Mo: What are you doing?
FR: Counting your money. 55, 60,
Mo: Then why are you counting nickels?
FR: 65, 70, 75, hold on you gonna make me lose count. 80, 85, 90, 95, and $1. The 10k will be in nickels and dimes.
Mo: WTF???
By abc
May 9, 2008 9:51 AM | Link to this
I think that to sit around and dream up a list of traits that ‘the one’ must have is strictly for chicks. Those same chicks would be horrified to discover what men would have on their lists, lest they come up so woefully short.
It’s either there, or it isn’t. Stop thinking about it so hard. Do you like him, does it feel right? Then go for it. See what happens.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t exclude candidates that are obvious losers.
By The Truth
May 9, 2008 9:53 AM | Link to this
Turtle as much as I love me some sista’s I must admit you’re right. They don’t hold a candle to chicks from other countries. Some of the world travelling guys can chime in with a yay or nay. I’d say foreigners are more open to happiness where sista’s are more geared toward marriage/long term dating/family/(read kids). It’s a matter of approach. Foreigners are more outgoing and hence have more options. Americans use the go/no go system and hence have slim to no options.
For Real I was thinking the same thing about Kp. This cat is trying to corral the women in hopes of controlling the men. WTF??? And a puddy holiday isn’t going to help what ails us. KP Drop by my office when you come in today.
By Bit-O-Honey
May 9, 2008 9:53 AM | Link to this
Legend WOW!!! thanks for standing up for the blog ladies! I appreciate that. (((hugs)))
By AmazonRed
May 9, 2008 9:55 AM | Link to this
The 80-20 rule originated with a TD Jakes sermon years ago, funny how he never gets credit for it
Shell72 - I would have been happy to give him credit if I had known. Don’t follow TD Jakes tho. Good info tho.
abc - Good post at 9:51. I tend to agree.
By 2CPTG©
May 9, 2008 9:55 AM | Link to this
“That’s not to say you shouldn’t exclude candidates that are obvious losers.”
abc, man, you’ve been cracking me the hell up, lately…..
By Blow Me a.k.a MOST HATED ON
May 9, 2008 9:57 AM | Link to this
Yes…Happy Mother’s Day to the Sexy mommas!!
Mo, Raqi, Angie, Sexy Leggs,6’1, KinderBabe, Lady J
And all the other mothers I have forgotten….
Truth That is wrong. You want someone who is STRONG where you are weak.
Here is your example:
You are a big mouth, you need someone who is a strong quiet. Who will not battle back and forth with you.
Two big mouths don’t mix.
Like for me. I am not good with saving so I need someone who can say “No, Blow….stay focus we can not afford or need this.” Me…. if it’s some hot pair on sandals and I got the money and my bills are paid. I would not think twice. It’s a bad thing because I do need to save more money seeing I don’t have kids or a house or any major responsibilities. So my money is FREE. But I do need to think about the bigger picture and the long run. Life is unpredictable. That’s why this yr I set up a few accts to help me. But that is my weakness….shopping and doing exactly what the fugg Blow wants to do. Oh yeah I still need cable ppl….lmao!
By Binford2K8
May 9, 2008 9:57 AM | Link to this
The eggs sit there, and it’s like musical chairs until there is one egg left! That’s the HIGHLANDER EGG THEORY! :)
On Topic: We all look for potential, though at least I don’t approach a female as potential playdough as Diva does to the fellas ;p It is important for someone to have the ability/potential to grow and mature and expand their horizons.
But “feelings” and “attraction” can blind one to another’s value. If we went on a more practical criteria, we’d let our family pick out a date to be a mate. Though we all know this isn’t how it works.
One has to define what they want and be reasonable - but that definition never accounts for the X-Factor, and that seems for what we all look for. If it were just a practical exercise of value, we’d all be married because that would be the easy part. Those pesky “feelings” of “romance” (partially tied to physical attractiveness) are what does most folks in.
By lizzylove
May 9, 2008 9:59 AM | Link to this
Wish this were an original thought.
This 80/20 rule is in Tyler Perry movies!
By QC
May 9, 2008 10:01 AM | Link to this
For Real LMAO!!!!!!
By lizzylove
May 9, 2008 10:01 AM | Link to this
Wish this were an original thought.
This 80/20 rule is in Tyler Perry movies!
By lizzylove
May 9, 2008 10:03 AM | Link to this
Wish this were an original thought.
This 80/20 rule is in Tyler Perry movies!
By Bit-O-Honey
May 9, 2008 10:04 AM | Link to this
Truth so you’re just going to co-sign with that generalization all willy-nilly? WTF is up with you guys today? If American women are so freggin disappointing then won’t don’t you all just leave the U.S or mail order yourselves a bride/sex slave? Geez!!
Women are different. Women from the Midwest are different from women in the South. Women from the West Coast are different from Women on the East Coast. None lesser than the other, but just different. I wish men would MAN UP and accept that they just don’t know what the hellz they want and instead of committing to a single serving you’d rather live the variety pack of life.
By Angie
May 9, 2008 10:05 AM | Link to this
Thanks Blow!
By lizzylove
May 9, 2008 10:05 AM | Link to this
Wish this were an original thought.
This 80/20 rule is in Tyler Perry movies!
By The Truth
May 9, 2008 10:06 AM | Link to this
Satoria That’s right, a female who has a puddy and doesn’t care about anything else but getting you off. You’re close but there’s more. How about smart, functional, great personality, not shot out, mentally fresh. You know anything about that? Didn’t think so. I know that when a chick digs the Truth she’s going to get me off in any way I please so that doesn’t have to go on my list. It’s a given. I could do more with less than you could do with all because I bring more to the table than you’ll know about in this lifetime.
Wise I can’t remember if you have children but either way I want you to have a great Mom/future Mom day. We appreciate you. I’m sorry, I need a tissue, i’m getting mushy.
Actually the 80/20 principle states that 80 percent of the results come from 20 percent of our efforts. It’s the Pareto principle and was conceived over 100 years ago. Td had nothing to do with it, except steal it.
By Blue_Kolla
May 9, 2008 10:06 AM | Link to this
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all of the moms.
80/20 in marriage is one thing, but you need to be 85/15 - 90/10 if we’re just kicking it.
Dem C’s ;)
By lizzylove
May 9, 2008 10:07 AM | Link to this
Wish this were an original thought.
This 80/20 rule is in Tyler Perry movies!
By kinderbabe
May 9, 2008 10:09 AM | Link to this
to: mo, ladyj, blow, AR, slim, QC, satoria, cemeeli, all lovely ladies of the blog, whether you’ve birthed a child or blessed a child, the spirit of motherhood is with you.:) have a wonderful mother’s day!
By lizzylove
May 9, 2008 10:09 AM | Link to this
Wish this were an original thought.
This 80/20 rule is in Tyler Perry movies!
By Cemeeli
May 9, 2008 10:10 AM | Link to this
Hey Moms! Treat yourself!…. however you treat yourself.
Cee treating self to a massage
Truth…Chateau Elan and spa trip…the Phipps shopping $10,000.00 you’re so generous.
2C hey.
By I am Legend
May 9, 2008 10:11 AM | Link to this
@truth..it is a yay or nay on the overseas thing for me…like you i have dipped my pimpn pen in other countries..some good some bad…but again i am not betting the farm on the overseas chicks…i have known to many to do it and come back with a grown a* kid…most forgien educations will not go over well here so your mate may not be able to get a good job…driving is not paramount in other countries here it is..feel me…it is like marrying a big azz teenager is some respects..and trust i work with alot of folks here that have foriegn handmaidens
By Blow Me a.k.a MOST HATED ON
May 9, 2008 10:11 AM | Link to this
Legend Exactly he went out and brought him a wife. I am sure from a 3rd world country. lol! So he does not even count. You can not find a stronger WOMAN then a black one. That’s why we are most hated on. Whats to conquer when you have yourself a weakling. You put any WOMAN from ANY race up to the test. I Bet you from nickels to thumb tacks Black WOMEN comes miles ahead. All the trials we been through and you want to $hit on us. That is a slap in the face. Truth you need to wake the fugg up too..You want you a “sir yes sir” a robot…this is not “Stepford Wives”. Appreciate a woman with her own mind….it’s a beautiful thing.
@flying turd…come on dude not this early…why attack them for no reason..so you went overseas and got you a maid..anyone can do that…you did not do anything special..you just went with the path of lest resistance..i am all for going abroad and laying the mack down…but not because its not cracking for me in the states..you read like a simp who had no game and went and PURCHASED a wife….ya square stay off the board if you have nothing of value to add…poo see aiggn!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By Lady J
May 9, 2008 10:11 AM | Link to this
Thanks Blow!!!
By The Flying Mud Turtle
May 9, 2008 10:11 AM | Link to this
A lot of interesting comments here. Yes, I did buy the first car on the lot-an American model. It was a true religious experience. I never believed in hell before I married her. After the divorce I went wilding with a number of other women. And then came that wonderful conference in Paris where I met my wife. No, she’s not a maid-stop being a jelous b***-she just out classed the likes of you.
European women are educated but haven’t forgotten that they are women. The can hold a conversation, give most American women a run for their money in the career department, and never forget that they bring beauty to our lives. Sorry, chicks; rejoice, guys, there are still quality women out there. Women you will be proud to escort wherever you go, that your mothers will beam approval once she gets to know them, and that don’t have all the psychotic features of your selection here. And they’re only a Delta flight away.
By For Real
May 9, 2008 10:16 AM | Link to this
The 80/20 rule was not created by TD Jakes. My Paw-Paw told me that when I was ten years old and Paw-Paw heard it from his daddy TD… wait a minute….
Turth Kay-Pee Needs to stop by my office first but my point exactly and what is up with that Men hate Authority ish? So, I am going to use the road of least resistance “Women” to get men to act the way he thinks I should act. And think about Truth only 2 females on this questioned him the rest high fived and wanted to hear more. He is using the classic Men bad and woman good methodolgy.
An unexamined faith is a blind faith.
By Satoria Lynn
May 9, 2008 10:16 AM | Link to this
The Truth I agree, you are a good man and a great catch. When I try to add my .02 to a topic, it’s not cool to step on my pretty little toes. You come on here everyday and scream about what you don’t like. That’s fine and all, but I did my job successfully. Who are you to tell anyone on here that they didn’t, or that their .02 is bullshyt? Wait, you just shyted on my list and then bust out with yours!?! WTF!
By AmazonRed
May 9, 2008 10:17 AM | Link to this
Exactly he went out and brought him a wife. I am sure from a 3rd world country.
LOL Blow, can’t you see? He’s a troll and has gotten shot down by American women. He probably got taken to the cleaners by one.
It’s all good tho. The foreign women can have him and us American women can rejoice that one less troll is off the market. :-)
By Cemeeli
May 9, 2008 10:17 AM | Link to this
QC lunch on the patio??? wth…Blue what’s really going on? Do you think i can hop/sprint my happy self on over to Fltn Co. and join em?
if not,
IslandG can we have that same ethnic lunch menu again today?
By Staceye AKA Black Mamba
May 9, 2008 10:17 AM | Link to this
TGIF!!!!
Slim you are in to S&M I see….LOL
Lovelyliz As long as he doesn’t break one of the deal breaking rules give him a shot I agree 100%.It all depends on what you can/can’t or will/won’t deal with. If I am attracted to him physically, mentally and emotionally, there are some things I can overlook. But there are some majors that I can’t, like: cheating, lying, abusive behavior, can’t hold a steady job, no ambition, not keeping your word, standing me up or keep me waiting, constantly picking fights with me (Jekyl & Hyde personalities). Those are the no-no areas and are straight dismisal terms. I will not settle for anybody just fro the sake of having a man. So many women do that, especially here. Then they think you wnat their crappy man! UGH! get a grip girlfriend..only you want those problems.
Legend LMAO on you 9:46 post dude! You ripped him! LOL heck I could go over seas and find anyman who wishes to become a US Citizen..fo course he’d marry be and be good..unless he is JOnathon PLummer (Terry McMillian’s ex-girl..I mean ex man)!
By Satoria Lynn
May 9, 2008 10:18 AM | Link to this
Thank you kinderbabe!
By Cemeeli
May 9, 2008 10:19 AM | Link to this
Thanks kinderbabe i appreciate you!
By Lady J
May 9, 2008 10:21 AM | Link to this
KB girlie don’ make me tear up!!! yall know i spent a mother’s day on this blog before crying the entire day!!! Thanks honey! Ladies yall want to plan to go see Jill Scott together??? It is time to prepare if we get a plan going…KB you can be in charge…lol
By Darrell (www.blackthen.com)
May 9, 2008 10:21 AM | Link to this
Binford “But “feelings” and “attraction” can blind one to another’s value.”
I agree and that’s also been my argument all along.
Women like to talk about how they want a “good” man, but “good” as defined how? I would that more women could see a man for the intangible value he might bring to the relationship, because “value” encompasses so much more than the tangible qualities so often associated with how many women define a “good” man.
In the “organic” sense, a “good” man should be defined based on his ability to love his woman as expressed, in part, by his capability to provide for her. After all, it is the innate nature of a man to provide. Conversely, a “good” woman should first and foremost be defined by her ability to love her man as expressed, in part, by her capability to nurture and respect him.
Personally, I define an “attractive” person as anyone who intrinsically possesses these attributes.
By Bit-O-Honey
May 9, 2008 10:24 AM | Link to this
Amazon Red you crack me up. DOWN WITH THE TROLLS!!! DOWN WITH THE TROLLS!!
By The Truth
May 9, 2008 10:25 AM | Link to this
Bit-O-Horny calm down baby. I’m saying women in other countries are more pleasant than alot of american chicks. Lets face it, some of you are straight shot out. Let me give you an example: A chick from europe will meet a guy and tho he may not be her ideal mate she’ll still be courteous and they’ll become friends. She’ll wind up meeting his buddies and may find a potential mate amongst them. And they don’t have a problem with that. An american chick will decide he’s not what she’s looking for and then bolo the cat. It’s not so much the women but our culture. We disgard anything that doesn’t bring us instant gratification where their more focused on long term happiness.
Blow stop with that black women are strong shyt. Some are, some are wasted. Just because you can endure shyt doesn’t make you strong. Sometimes being strong is avoiding the shyt all together. And quit with that robot stuff. I doubt if you could keep up with the women I’ve dated financially and definetly not mentally. Really tho it doesn’t matter because in the end she’s going to be in her place. I’m not one of these “she’s my wpman and my equal” cats. You have a place, if you leave it I’ll put you back in it. If you get into my lane I’ll guide you back to yours. And that’s regardless of education, breast size, or any other criteria you can come up with.
By AmazonRed
May 9, 2008 10:26 AM | Link to this
whether you’ve birthed a child or blessed a child, the spirit of motherhood is with you.:)
Lawd kinderbabe, I appreciate you saying this. I’m giving the evil eye to the spirit of motherhood right now though! Let me just say that it’s not safe for a uterus out there! LOL I’m spending Mother’s Day hiding under my covers. LOL
But thank you for the kind words and including me in the shout out!
By Mo (aka Moeisha)
May 9, 2008 10:26 AM | Link to this
Cemeeli treated myself to concert tix to see Lalah Hathaway, Rahsaan Patterson and Brian Culbertson. Its not til Father’s Day weekend but I can wait! LOL
Kinderbabe thanx chica!
For Real lmao at the skit!
By Cemeeli
May 9, 2008 10:27 AM | Link to this
ladyj dont chu’ start that! It’s a glorious time not sad. kinderbabe scheduled the meet n greet @ Strip, which was nice…let’s see if she up to another.
By SlimOne
May 9, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this
KB Thanks chica…I’ll be sure to pass the message on to my ever-aging unused eggs. lol
By Wise Diva
May 9, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this
wow Flying Mud Turtle! Way to kick in the door, LOL. Although your comments were seriously bashing American women (and um, is your mother America?), I certainly support international love. I would love to meet someone from a different country, and I am open to different cultures. However, I won’t be with him because he is the antithesis to the American male. I would think that would take away from who he is, as a person. I wouldn’t want to make him seem like some exotic desirable accessory/trophy/servant. Glad you found love though (even though you didn’t mention that you actually loved her)
By The Flying Mud Turtle
May 9, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this
The Flying Mud Turtle International Guide to Women: English: Generally as hung up as ours, but at least they have a cute accent. French: High maintenance. Real, really high maintenance. You think American women are picky? If so, you haven’t met a French one yet. German: Prepare to be dominated. Brazilian: You’d better have a lot of stamina to survive one of these. Eastern Europe: Actually, the women there have a superior education to most I find here. A virtual gold mine for intelligent, none-psychotic women who are truly interested in a commitment. Anything Nordic: It probably doesn’t matter. She’s so damn good looking that you’ll never see any of her flaws. Spain: Laid back, easy going. Portugal: Spanish but harder to understand her language. Oriental: Well, some of these qualify as maids, but they’re so dedicated that if you’re running late for your bus, they’ll throw themselves in front of it to stop it for you. Some dudes go for this but it’s a bit extreme for my taste. Italian: Prepare to get fat because she’ll feed you to death. Greek: No, no, no. You wind up marrying her family, who will never accept you unless you’re Greek yourself. Thus spake the Turtle
By abc
May 9, 2008 10:31 AM | Link to this
I know at least several men with wives that are not American, and they’re hardly trolls. Their wives are well educated, charming and lovely women. That they’re Russian, Filipino or whatever has no bearing on American women’s merits or lack.
If the man is a troll, what would motivate a foreign-born woman to stick with him once they got back to the U.S.? Granted, some may marry just for the ticket to the States, but after that, life is fair game.
By kinderbabe
May 9, 2008 10:33 AM | Link to this
you’re welcome, ladies!!
i’ll be sending out an e-vite for the jill scott concert in july. let me know if you’re interested. i’ll keep you all posted.;)
By Cemeeli
May 9, 2008 10:33 AM | Link to this
Mo that’s what i’m saying. Enjoy…sounds like fuuuunnnn.
By Lady J
May 9, 2008 10:34 AM | Link to this
CeeCee they are happy tears but I am too dag on happy to cry!!! SO I won’t!!! LOL!
By AmazonRed
May 9, 2008 10:37 AM | Link to this
If the man is a troll, what would motivate a foreign-born woman to stick with him once they got back to the U.S.?
Same reason American women stay. Security. Let’s face it. I’m sure these foreign women marry for true love but what a coincidence that many of these men just happen to have a little bit of money in their pockets.
I remember reading Dennis Rodman’s book a few years back. He was saying how none of the sistas gave him the time of day back when he was growing up. So when he got money he went out and got him a white woman. I see a lot of parallels with men who go overseas, not to say none of these marriages are genuine. But there is a certain TYPE of person that shuns one group for another as opposed to saying “hey, I was in Paris and it just worked out that way.”
By Wise Diva
May 9, 2008 10:37 AM | Link to this
Wise I can’t remember if you have children but either way I want you to have a great Mom/future Mom day. We appreciate you
AWW! The Truth, Thank you honey! I don’t have any children but I really appreciate the sentiment - and please stop turning me into a softie today, I have a rep to uphold!! LOL
By Page1908
May 9, 2008 10:38 AM | Link to this
LOL OMG did Turtle just use the word Oriental to describe an ethnicity? WTF?!
By AmazonRed
May 9, 2008 10:38 AM | Link to this
Oriental: Well, some of these qualify as maids, but they’re so dedicated that if you’re running late for your bus, they’ll throw themselves in front of it to stop it for you.
LMAO. This guy is funny!
By Bit-O-Honey
May 9, 2008 10:39 AM | Link to this
Truth again you’re perpetuating the stereotype. In fact, I met my dude through a friendship that I made after someone tried to hook-me-up with their cousin. We didn’t hit it off, but he was a cool dude and I kept his number. Whenever he’d come to Atlanta, he’d hit me up and we’d do lunch or have drinks and he introduced me to my love. Debunking myths daily in a city near you
By The Truth
May 9, 2008 10:39 AM | Link to this
Satoria your list was created by someone else and had nothing to do with what you want. Listen, you can sell everyone on how he should be a good listener and all that shyt but the truth is you want a cat that’ll pull your wig back and ride that azz. You’re a female and want to be dominated, but in a way that’s acceptable to you. You’re looking for a cat that can care for you and keep you from making some of the stupid mistakes you will make. You can sell some these cats on how he should be there for you and all that but really you want a cat you can follow and know he’s going to lead you to the right place. Go ahead tho, keep frontin for folks. Wink Wink
For Real I guess that cat feels that because he went to OSU and ran track (he’s posted that at least 100 times)that he’s an authority and we should follow him. I recommend a blanket party for him. Load your pillowcases with soap and lets wup his azz. LOL Darrell you in on this or what? LOL
By Cemeeli
May 9, 2008 10:41 AM | Link to this
kinderbabe i’m there….ooohh, not the same w/e as The Color Purple/Braselton trip, i hope!
crossing fingers
By For Real
May 9, 2008 10:41 AM | Link to this
Ladies why does dude have to be a troll or a simp? How can you judge his experience with women and not judge your own? He was wrong for making a general statment about all Black Women but maybe all of the black women he met gave him cause to go elsewhere.
Blow Come with the all black women are better than rest of the women. That’s no difference than what Turtle said. What trials have you been thru? And don’t go name what someone else has gone thru.
By Unknown
May 9, 2008 10:44 AM | Link to this
Dang Blow Me! If you wanted a date with The Truth, you really blew it now hun.
By cool breeze
May 9, 2008 10:45 AM | Link to this
There sure are alot of broad generalizations about foreign women flying around. Guess if it makes you feel better about yourself go right ahead. I ain’t mad at him. If it equals less stress then I am all for it.
By Darrell (www.blackthen.com)
May 9, 2008 10:46 AM | Link to this
Truth “Darrell you in on this or what?”
I’m there! Matter of fact, I say we all watch “Full Metal Jacket” first just to get us in the right frame of mind. You know how that blanket party turned out, right? LOL!
By lovelyliz
May 9, 2008 10:46 AM | Link to this
Cemeeli I went out with a guy who like me had been in the military that along with other things made us on paper a really good fit. You would like having lots in common meant you had similar value. We alsways had a good time and he could make me laugh.
Unfortunately he would open his mouth and certain words would come out. Certain word to describe certain races of people and those living in other countries.
We gelled on 80% and then some, but that line he crossed was the deal breaker for me.
By Blue_Kolla
May 9, 2008 10:46 AM | Link to this
Shell The 80-20 rule originated with a TD Jakes sermon years ago, funny how he never gets credit for it.
Maybe that’s because it’s not his own original work.
Legendary Rell come on dude not this early…why attack them for no reason..so you went overseas and got you a maid..anyone can do that… <=== Look at Cap’n Save’em over there.
What’chu joinin’ the ministry now? I see you over there mayne.
By AmazonRed
May 9, 2008 10:46 AM | Link to this
He was wrong for making a general statment about all Black Women but maybe all of the black women he met gave him cause to go elsewhere.
Uhhh For Real…I missed the part where he specified black women.
By abc
May 9, 2008 10:47 AM | Link to this
You’re a little quick to discount “foreign women’s” mojo. As far as having money goes, all women respond positively to that. All, as in every last one. Show me an American woman who married for love in spite of there being no dough, and I’ll show you a girl that’s 18-20 years old that didn’t know any better. Just sayin.
By mamalongleggs
May 9, 2008 10:49 AM | Link to this
There are too many rules we place on ourselves when it comee to dating which is a direct recipe for failure, why? because we put too much effort not to break any of the rules and miss out on seeing the person for who they are, instead we keep tabs on what number he/she didn’t add up to.
Happy Mother’s DAy to all the mothers/god-mothers/mother figure/auties/play mom/den mother and any other mother out there
Not leaving Truth out cos he’s one bad Mother f/ker
By I am Legend
May 9, 2008 10:49 AM | Link to this
* wish men would MAN UP and accept that they just don’t know what the hellz they want and instead of committing to a single serving you’d rather live the variety pack of life.*
here is the trick Bit-o-honey..you has a women have to allow the man the space to MAN UP…if you dont then dont expect to be the apple of his eye..no one said you had to stow away your hewoman badge..just like women want m