Misadventures in Atlanta

By Lady J

May 19, 2008 8:27 AM | Link to this

Morning Good People Horray it is the last week of school also!!! Wow Diva I am so elated I have surpassed this tiring stage of dating!!! I embrace my growth everday!!! I am me and love me and either one likes it or keeps it moving for real!!! My accomadation days are over!

By Ryno

May 19, 2008 8:35 AM | Link to this

It’s interesting to hear you say that younger women practice this more than older women.

I would have thought that older people of BOTH sexes would Cameleon date as they feel more and more pressure to marry and settle down.

By kinderbabe

May 19, 2008 8:44 AM | Link to this

ladyj 5 more days girl!!! chile, i words can’t describe how happy i am…lol.

on topic: i just heard in a sermon this weekend the following statement—“I love you means, I love how I feel about myself when I’m with you.” if you meet someone and immediately become more in tune w/what you are not, something’s kinda off. liking someone involves feeling strong and secure in who you are. you feel appreciated for the similarities and the differences.

By Raqi

May 19, 2008 8:53 AM | Link to this

Yes I am guilty of being a chameleon dater before. And you know what…it gets strenuous after while. I am a feisty, out-spoken, passionately sexual being. And trying to not be that woman was just one big theatrical event. See I am a girly girl…with a sharp tongue. I am not afraid to say what I think and what I want. I was difficult meeting guys who wanted the girly girl that just set back a looked pretty. That’s not how I am but I tried to be her a couple of times. I didn’t last too long. Then one day I realized it’s just not worth and told myself, you know what if he don’t like me for who I am then I am not the one for him. Period.

I think that chameleon dating is the recipe for the early demise of a lot of marriages. You hear people say that an individual changed after marriage. I say not. In actuality they revealed their true self.

By Beautiful Bust It Baby

May 19, 2008 8:55 AM | Link to this

morning wise!

Before you start a relationship, how important is it to know who you are first?

extremely important! a person must know where they are in life and who they are before entering a relationship. the list that I highjacked from kp is a great tool to use if you’re lost. working on yourself and using this list as a guide will help you.

ryno, youngster are young and naive. when i was younger, i remember trying to fit into his world. you live and you learn.

i want to press charges on 2C for living way in the h3ll in FL. lol. all this time, i thought you lived in atl.

By Lady J

May 19, 2008 8:56 AM | Link to this

Raqi so on point and true!! Your latter post is the word…

By flabredtxraised

May 19, 2008 9:02 AM | Link to this

Morning Blog If he likes you he will love you for who you truly are LADIES! Some women will share their true feelings with aunts, girlfriends, neighbors and the guy who is still chasing them rather than actually share their real feelings with the man they truly care about, Why is that ladies?

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 9:06 AM | Link to this

Happy Monday everyone. Hope everyone had a fun weekend!

I too can look back on past relationships and say I was a chamelon dater. I’ve had such a “whatever” attitude about things, I didn’t really ever make it know the things I liked and liked to do. For instance, I like trying new things so if my guy suggested we go here or do this, I was game. I liked the fact he had things all planned out.

However, I realized that the problem is that he’d never really get to know me.

There is a scene in the movie “Joy Luck Club” where the husband complains that his wife used to have an opinion. She turned into a “whatever you like, I like” type woman that many men find boring eventually. I saw flashes of myself in that in my younger years. Now I know better!

By Beautiful Bust It Baby

May 19, 2008 9:11 AM | Link to this

flabredtxraised simple. we’re just not that comfy with him yet. or we’re in denial, because he has told us what he’s looking for and we’re trying to see how we can pull it off.

By KP (http:chatkafe.blogspot.com)

May 19, 2008 9:14 AM | Link to this

The chameleon dater will only last 3-6 months(on average) before the ‘true person’ finally reveals themself. Most men can tell when a woman is trying to be someone they are not. Especially, older women who try to act younger in order to seem ‘crunk/hip/cool’. :)

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 9:17 AM | Link to this

Some women will share their true feelings with aunts, girlfriends, neighbors and the guy who is still chasing them rather than actually share their real feelings with the man they truly care about

Very true, flbred. However, one thing about me is that you’ll always know where you stand with me. So I always let the source know if I’m feeling them or not!

One disadvantage to this though is that when you lay all your cards on the table, the other side can see what you are working with. Many men take advantage of knowing where you stand, yet won’t tell you where they stand.

Which is why many women are reluctant to put it all out there.

By THE MELO

May 19, 2008 9:20 AM | Link to this

abc, i received my copy of the current forbes magazine this weekend and this very conservative finance publication apparently agrees with me on the tax debate wwereall having on friday.If u happen to get it, go to page 102 and see what they say regarding Obama and Clinton’s positions and income limits/thresholds. Hie yaall!!!

By Raqi

May 19, 2008 9:22 AM | Link to this

If you don’t watch yourself one can easily become the Imani Izzi of America. It usually starts off with something as simple as being asked, (Q) “where do you want to do tonight?” (A) “whatever you want to do.” (Q) “where do you want to go?” (A) “it don’t matter with me. wherever you want to go.” See how easy that is.

From there you find yourself conveniently liking the same type of music. The same type of activities. And so on. A woman, or man for that matter, should never lose her/his identity to be who they think someone else wants them to be.

One of the greatest things I love about my husband is he gets me.

By The Truth

May 19, 2008 9:25 AM | Link to this

Morning blogsville.

Face it, in order for 2 people to get to a point where they can co-exist they must blend in some senses. Usually women do more blending but with some of these new styled relationships some of the guys are pretty good at it too.

Dominance/submission is a natural process. The more submissive person conforms to the dominant one. No questions. The question is how much do they have to conform? If you have to conform so much that you alter what you are that is not going to last.

Ryno younger folks have more pressure to marry. As you get older you get more comfortable with what you really are. The pressure releases.

2C you live in fla? Ok, we need all the out of staters to identify yourself and where you’re blogging from. Go.

Line up ladies for a soft kiss on the cheek and as you pass a swat on the azz.

By Darrell (www.blackthen.com)

May 19, 2008 9:28 AM | Link to this

Morning, all. :-)

“Do you think you would recognize a CD?”

Yes, because like a real chameleon, you need only to wait for the right situation to come about for her true self to be revealed.

A chameleon dater may have many “colors”, but remember, one of those colors is also her “true” color (her true self). Over time that color will eventually manifest itself if for no other reason than she’ll eventually tire of playing the chameleon role and will revert back to the person she really is. Even a chameleon at times reverts back to the color it was originally born with, and human nature is no different. A person’s true colors will always show. Always.

The only question is how.

By anonymousella

May 19, 2008 9:31 AM | Link to this

i have also been the chameleon … i think. and i most definitely dated one, though he would probably tell you otherwise.

i don’t think i pretended to be interested in stuff that i wasn’t. but i did go along with stuff and people that bored me because i wanted to spend time with him. he did the same, actually.

i also compromised on some major issues.

i wound up feeling like i gave up a whole lot to be with this man and it drove me into an almost year-long depression.

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

May 19, 2008 9:35 AM | Link to this

Morning Everyone!!

Hey Lady J and Kinderbabe! I am counting down the days too! LOL Also my baby is turning 3 next friday! I know I am more excited than he is! LOL

On topic: I am sure I am guilty of this. Its too much work though so I will never go that route again!

flabredtxraised I am guilty of this just b/c I dont like letting folks know they have ‘gotten’ to me. Childish I know but I keep security on high alert when it comes to my feelings. That is unless you p** me off then hell hath no fury!

By Beautiful Bust It Baby

May 19, 2008 9:35 AM | Link to this

anonymousella i think you hit it right on the head! compromise. were we compromising or being a cd?

By abc

May 19, 2008 9:40 AM | Link to this

All women try to appear to be that which they are not. They maintain the facade with secrets and lies. Their chameleon-like nature is just a matter of degree. It’s there in all chicks.

All women will do their best to change a man into what they want him to be. The less of a chameleon he is, the more of a challenge, or problem, he poses.

By Raqi

May 19, 2008 9:44 AM | Link to this

Truth you are wrong. You can be submissive while staying true to yourself. The point JS is making is her new loved showed her where she don’t have to be more profound or intellectual than what she really is in order for him to like her. He likes her for her. That has nothing to do with submitting yourself.

From what I have heard about online dating chameleon personality disorder is the biggest most common transgression. People embellish in an attempt to look more attractive on paper. If you gonna make a true lifestyle change to “better” yourself , then do it for you. But if you are doing it to attract a certain type of hunter, then your life will be most miserable.

Beautiful CPD is not the same a compromise. I know compromise and that ain’t it. CPD is just totally being someone you are not.

By Lady J

May 19, 2008 9:49 AM | Link to this

Hey Mo!!! lil lady will be sending a gift his way!!!

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 9:51 AM | Link to this

Lawd, here comes abc with that all women crap. Nice to know you’ve met every woman on this earth.

Not entertaining that nonsense on this lovely Monday.

By The Truth

May 19, 2008 9:55 AM | Link to this

Raqi think about what you just typed “The point JS is making is her new loved showed her where she don’t have to be more profound or intellectual than what she really is in order for him to like her.* She has already assumed a submissive posture as she needed him to tell her it was ok to be her. If she were the domimant one she would have shown him “this is what I am” and he would have either 1) left 2)accepted his new position as a bish.

ABC lmao at your every woman lies thing. At least your consistent.

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 9:57 AM | Link to this

If you don’t watch yourself one can easily become the Imani Izzi of America. It usually starts off with something as simple as being asked, (Q) “where do you want to do tonight?” (A) “whatever you want to do.” (Q) “where do you want to go?” (A) “it don’t matter with me. wherever you want to go.” See how easy that is.

Thanks Raqi. That’s the example I wanted to use but I couldn’t remember miss “bark like a dog’s” character’s name! LOL

By SexyLeggs

May 19, 2008 9:57 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone. Interesting to see what all has to say. I’m exhausted!

By Kym

May 19, 2008 9:58 AM | Link to this

Good Morning All,

I have done the CD dating thing. Dumbing down my opinions to suit the need of the man I love. Like someone said it can be alot of work being something you are not. An yes it is done alot more when you are younger because then you are looking for acceptance. Once you reach a certain age..well let me quote a Tina Turner song “What you get is what you see..there is nothing more to it.” You become comfortable in your own skin and you give up the idea of being something you are not to someone in the end you really could careless about.

By Beautiful Bust It Baby

May 19, 2008 9:59 AM | Link to this

raqi i believe we’re both right. it all depends on how you look at it and what action is taking place. i have an example, but don’t want to be beat up behind it.

By abc

May 19, 2008 10:01 AM | Link to this

Dayum right, it’s a way of life for chicks. Then they go into denial about lying, and start to believe their own hype.

Melo, perhaps they changed their rhetoric when they discovered how many votes it’d lose for them.

By Foot2Azz

May 19, 2008 10:06 AM | Link to this

I gotta agree with flabredtxraised’s statement.

Some women will share their true feelings with aunts, girlfriends, neighbors and the guy who is still chasing them rather than actually share their real feelings with the man they truly care about

I’ve quit pursuing a couple of ladies due to their inability to come to grips with how they feel about me … I’ll naturally assume that she ain’t into me. But it gets tricky when they would act coy and receptive towards me when ever I was around.

Either way I simply read that type of behaivor as clear mixed signals which is a major turn off. Of course I occassionally run into soem of the women in question and I’ll hear something like this fly out of there mouth: How you doin’? I hadn’t heard from you in a while, you could call somebody ya know. You must be laid up somewhere witcha little gurrlfriend or somethin.

I’m glad I’ve grown to the point where I can brush this off because the truth of the matter is that once I put in serious effort towards laying the foundation for a solid relationship I’m not apt to go back. It would take some serious convincing.

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

May 19, 2008 10:07 AM | Link to this

ARed I am co-signing with your post about abc. I have never met him but he seems to know everything about me simply b/c I’m a woman. I have never tried to change a man (but have had some to try and change me). Talk about scarred….dayum

By 2CPTG©

May 19, 2008 10:08 AM | Link to this

Nope…..I own homes in Florida, as well as in Atl….And, I’m in both places ALL the time…now, Bust it Baby, if you don’t know what you’re talking about, it would be best to keep quiet!

By KP (http:chatkafe.blogspot.com)

May 19, 2008 10:10 AM | Link to this

From a man’s perspective, being a chameleon dater only hurts the woman in the end. Putting up a front only delays the inevitable. Men would prefer to see the fullness of who you are in order to make an informed decision on whether or not to date you. Unfortunately, when the ‘true colors’ appear, most men have already tasted from the woman’s fountain which leaves a sense of bitterness. What is the lesson? Don’t hide who you are and allow an intelligent decision to be made upfront in a potential relationship.

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 10:12 AM | Link to this

LOL @ Mo. If women are that much trouble, he should probably just become a homosexual. LOL

By Beautiful Bust It Baby

May 19, 2008 10:17 AM | Link to this

2C good morning to you. moving on … i apologize.

regarding the online dating, i have always made sure that my profile is 100% me. every guy that i contacted i wanted to meet. making me look too good on paper wouldn’t of been a great idea. doing this was never or will be a joke to me.

By SexyCool

May 19, 2008 10:18 AM | Link to this

humans have a tendency to assimilate regardless of the nature of the relationship…whether it be in a romantic relationship or within a group of friends…

no harm there…as long as you don’t erase the person that you are becoming just to fit in…

by the same token…by allowing yourself to be introduced to new pasttimes and activities, you may find out more about who you really are…

By abc

May 19, 2008 10:19 AM | Link to this

I beg your pardon, did not both of you ‘ladies’ state today that you’ve been the chameleon?! My, my… an actual admission, and then a denial? Yall are pretty good at kidding yourselves.

By Binford2K8

May 19, 2008 10:19 AM | Link to this

What’s the old saying?

Men marry women and hope they don’t change and women marry men and hope they can change them.

I’ve never had someone who I could tell were trying to be what I wanted. That would suck because I don’t want a phony! Though within a short time, I’d think I’d be able to see through those shenanigans.

Does Jessica actually know herself? She seems like a female Forrest Gump to me;p

By 2CPTG©

May 19, 2008 10:22 AM | Link to this

now it’s good morning…..girl, go play somewhere!

By Raqi

May 19, 2008 10:23 AM | Link to this

Truth you are wrong. Her point of the whole statement was that she can be herself around him. I can’t see how you are getting being submissive out of that.

Beautiful No we are not saying the same thing.

A simple form of Compromise is spending time with my husband while sitting on the couch letting him watch football.

Chameleon Disorder is pretending to like football in an attempt to make him like me more.

Hell he knows I care nothing about the sport. And when I am tired of watching I will leave the room or get the paper/magazine and read it while sitting there or try changing the channel.

See the difference??

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 10:24 AM | Link to this

I beg your pardon, did not both of you ‘ladies’ state today that you’ve been the chameleon?! My, my… an actual admission, and then a denial? Yall are pretty good at kidding yourselves.

So where does that state we ever tried to change a man? Why does being a “yes, girl” mean that I was keeping secrets?

Seriously, why do you even bother with women with that attitude?

By Kym

May 19, 2008 10:27 AM | Link to this

Some how this topic gave me a Shakespere moment.

All the world is a stage and all the men and women merely players, they have their exits and their entrances..and one man in his life plays many parts.

Hey Truth Did you get to part in the audiobook about Roles?

I will begin hijacking the topic around 1:00p.m.

By abc

May 19, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this

AR, it’s what it’s about when chicks talk about realizing the ‘potential’ in a man, something that they can ‘encourage’ and ‘develop’. Seriously, yall are in denial about that? You wish to submit that it’s not a ubiquitous state?

By Blow Me a.k.a MOST HATED ON

May 19, 2008 10:35 AM | Link to this

Good Morning BEAUTIFUL ppl

I am back off of vacation…..Glad to be here. Still adjusting back to reality.

Co sign Truth The more dominant person will rule the relationship. Or whichever person likes the other one more….will have the short hand.

I find it ppl respect you better if you would be yourself. My motto is ….love it or leave it. But most ppl love me.

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 10:37 AM | Link to this

abc - I would go down this road with you but it’s not worth it. You’ve already made up your mind, and you’ve already met every woman in America, so there isn’t much more I can say. Nor do I care to.

If you have a daughter, I hope you are taking her down the right path so that she may be the ONE woman in history that rule her life with secrets and lies.

Keep on keeping on man.

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 10:42 AM | Link to this

Whoops. That should have read that she’d be “the one woman in history that DOESN’T rule her life with secrets and lies.”

By Kym

May 19, 2008 10:46 AM | Link to this

Raqi I get what you are saying. but in the case of football I actually came to love it. NOW video games I have no interest or clue…well I play mystery games(Agatha Christie for PC etc.) but all that other stuff…I will support the habit(buy video games as gifts) but playing that stuff. Nope all men need their own room where they can fart, burp and scratch until the pass out…I dont have to be apart of all of your world.

By Beautiful Bust It Baby

May 19, 2008 10:46 AM | Link to this

raqi your example was excellent, but i was referring to dating only. there’s going to be activities that you’re not going to be gung ho over, but you don’t walk away from him because of it. depending on the person looking in, this could be CD or compromising.

By Foots

May 19, 2008 10:51 AM | Link to this

Good morning all!

Ladies, have you ever met a wonderful guy who asked a lot of questions about what kind of man you wanted? Did he then attempt to become that man?

Yes, but give very general answers to those types of questions. I learned in my 20s that the more specific you get, the less likely the man is to be himself.

I can remember back in high school how I used to try to blend in more with the guys I dated. One was into Beavis and Butthead, so I started watching that too. One loved football, so I’d watch the games and actually take notes so I could give him details if he was going to miss it.

I think that up until the time I was about 25, I didn’t have a very good sense of myself. But that’s what growing up is all about and it happens for different people at different times.

Now, I’m of the mindset that I need for somebody to love me as I am. I’m like an onion with all of these layers, and dude has to accept the rough layers as well as the sweet ones. Because I have promised myself that I would never ask anything of a man that I’m not prepared to give, I’m working on being more accepting of the good and the bad in people. I don’t seem to have a problem with that in my friendships or family relations, but these strangers are a different story.

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 10:58 AM | Link to this

Foots - Loving your post, as usual.

By Foots

May 19, 2008 11:00 AM | Link to this

Before you start a relationship, how important is it to know who you are first? How do you convey this to the new person in your life?

I think that folks can have successful relationships WHILE they are still figuring out who they are. After all, we all should still be learning and growing. The relationship can only go one of two ways, either the two people grow together or they grow apart.

For me though, knowing more about myself has helped me get out of, or avoid altogether, some potentially negative situations. If I wasn’t sure of who I was on a basic level, what I wanted out of the situation, and what my standards were for behavior, I would have been stuck in some hot messes.

With new folks, I don’t come hard with the “this is who I am and this is what I will and won’t accept” speech. It comes out in normal conversation and through situations that we experience together naturally, it’s Live and Learn with me.

By Foots

May 19, 2008 11:03 AM | Link to this

Hey Amazon! Love you too. I see you’ve been holding it down with abc. I appreciate you for that, cause I’ve been biting my tongue bloody for the last few weeks. LOL!

By Binford2K8

May 19, 2008 11:09 AM | Link to this

Foots

I think if someone is a reformed Chameleon, they swing to the “this is who i am hear me roar! play. Like you implied, that can be equally as disruptive.

Can’t think of how many times during a date where something was said and I knew at that moment I was DONE! If the person you are on a date with says something that initiates the Killswitch - can you call the date right then? ;p

By Raqi

May 19, 2008 11:10 AM | Link to this

KP True. Being a chameleon does hurt the situation in the end. But I can’t help but wonder who or what is the definite cause of some women feeling the need to be the chameleon dater. We hear and read about being the “perfect catch”. The problem is it is usually made as a generalized statement with parts taken from different sources. Some women read this and think “wow I have to become that person in order to be the perfect mate.” That is so not the truth.

Kym Exactly.

Beautiful Tolerating and learning to like something is different from pretending to be or like to appease the other.

I am all for compromise. A good relationship cannot exist without it. But to find yourself living someone else’s life while suffering internally as well as eternally is not worth it. One surefire way to know that you are caught in a chameleon outfit…you act totally different when away from that person. You do totally different. The second the relationship ends or that person is out of sight, you resort back to the person you really are.

Now if it’s just compromising or learning to venture into new things you will not feel irritated or out of place while doing whatever it is. In fact you just may find yourself engaging in such newness in their absence.

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 11:12 AM | Link to this

Thanks for the shout out Foots. I’m sure the board will attest that they’d rather hear from you than me! You have a nice even keel and diplomatic way of saying things.

I usually feel abc on a lot of things he says, just not on this “all women” crap. LOL Especially with the lying thing because I have such a guilty conscience when I lie. In addition, I’ve told the truth so many times (to my detriment) when telling a lie would have appeared to be easier.

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

May 19, 2008 11:13 AM | Link to this

ARed wow I guess we stepped on someone’s toes! You know that wound is festering up something awful whenever we get the all women comment!

abc I said that I never tried to change a man. I’ll take a page from your book: * all men are just liars and cheaters that want to pluck everything with a hole*. LOL. I admit that I have been a chameleon but again never tried to change a man. :0)

By The Truth

May 19, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

Raqi is not asking someone for permission to be yourself not a submissive act? Let me know.

Kym I’m past the role playing part. Im at finding who you really are part. This book is really getting good. Alot of puffery but very good insight. I’m actually re-reading the pain body part because that was a very good chapter.

Blow welcome back. Where did you go for vacation or did you just chill?

Footsy “But that’s what growing up is all about and it happens for different people at different times”. Very well said.

ABC are you mad at these women because they lied to you or because you believed it? I’m surprised that a cat as smart as yourself can’t chalk that one up to life and not just tag them all.

By SeanJohnson3000

May 19, 2008 11:15 AM | Link to this

Sup Blog…Did anyone see CSI last nite?

By Foots

May 19, 2008 11:23 AM | Link to this

SeanJ CSI?? Well, I don’t normally watch CSI, but if you had told me earlier that you liked CSI, I would have watched it and made CSI Cliff Notes for you just in case you missed it…

Foots is now slowly turning the same odd purple color as the chair she’s sitting in…

By abc

May 19, 2008 11:23 AM | Link to this

Nah, Truth, I’m not mad at women. I love women, especially my girl. I just recognize who and what women are. They pose as what they want to be regarded as until they convince themselves that’s what they are, and they go to great lengths to maintain the facade. What I do with that information is take care not to burst their little bubble — usually. I help them out with it instead, contribute to their sense of being what they pose as. It creates a sense of security for them.

By Blow Me a.k.a MOST HATED ON

May 19, 2008 11:24 AM | Link to this

Truth I went to Orlando, fl…and stop @ cocoa beach. I enjoyed myself, relaxed, drank, swam, drink, relaxed, drink, strip joint, drink, swam, relaxed. I repeated those steps the whole entire time. I am looking forward to my next trip.

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

May 19, 2008 11:24 AM | Link to this

Good morning all…I am still asleep..but physically at work..yeah!

flabredtxraised Some women will share their true feelings with aunts, girlfriends, neighbors and the guy who is still chasing them rather than actually share their real feelings with the man they truly care about, Why is that ladies Well, it’s easier to share you feelings with someone that you are not so emotionally attached to.We you really care about someone you are already vunerable…so to exposed your true feelings and deepest thoughts could further put your heart inot the person’s hand…and if they so choose to, at any moment they can crush it. I feel that I could tell my stuff to a complete stranger before telling it to a guy that I love. That would be giving hin too much power! Nope..Staceye is a control freak so I have to control how much of me I am willing to give.

ARED Many men take advantage of knowing where you stand, yet won’t tell you where they stand well put! I had oneguy that I was adting get mad at me because I always asked when he went out to a club, did he meet someone? I mean, since we were just “dating” and he gave the run around as to why he doesn’t rush into relationships (again will rush into sex)of course I did not want to be blindsided. I know no man is going to volunteer if he met somebody else…and instead of assuming he did…I did the adult thing and just asked. he sadi I di don’t trust him! Well, since when is it news that I trust no one? However, if I ask you..I am extending some trust but trusting you will give me an honest answer. Basically I asked him because I wanted to make sure I was not putting more into him that he was putitng into me! he actually got mad because I asked would he still be around after I returned from a vaction because they guy I previously dated went MIA when I came back. So, I’m like just be real and upfront. If guys would be real and upfront then a lot of drama would be avoided! If you met someone else..tell me. I will respect you more then you taking the p*ssy way out by telling a lie or just going AWOL!

Truth Dominance/submission is a natural process Now we know which one I am! LOL

abc All women try to appear to be that which they are not Although I am very hyper…it just takes too much energy and work to do that! I am the same Staceye from the start! Now, admitingly, there are things I will do the more comfortable and secure I feel with a guy, Such as..i do not dance for or do crazy bedroom things for a guy I am just kicking it with or dating! That is reserved for the guy who really wants to be with me…not the one who is greedy and wants all the fixings of a relationship but gives the run around about why he won’t/can’t commit! Screw that!

Raqi You can be submissive while staying true to yourself maybe for some…not me. LOL Submission is a form of weakness to me! It’s like you can’t/won’t stand up for yourself!

ABC Then they go into denial about lying, and start to believe their own hype that is more fitting of men. the flossers of the world start to actually believ that Benz they rented is actually theirs. they start trying to lure a women by spending money they really do not have…so sad! So actually it is the guy who does the Image Hyping!

The only thing that is ever changing with me is my look. I change my hair color style very often. I do not believe in dumbing myself down fro a guy..f he can deal with that fact that I have brain and opinions that may or may not match his..screw him! he is not good enough to be with me. I can not deal with a guy who is so spineless that he must go for the weak, damsel in distress type of woman just s he can feel like a man! Get your game up bruh..then come out and play with the big boys and girls!

By Kym

May 19, 2008 11:26 AM | Link to this

Truth I am glad you are enjoying it. The pain-body is a great one. I know up until I read this book I was not one for self-help type books and frankly I dont consider this one self help.. at all more along the spirtuality side..(I guess that is where you said the puffery comes in)

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 11:30 AM | Link to this

Now, admitingly, there are things I will do the more comfortable and secure I feel with a guy, Such as..i do not dance for or do crazy bedroom things for a guy I am just kicking it with or dating! That is reserved for the guy who really wants to be with me

Staceye - I read this part and was like “heeeeeeey”. LOL Get it girl.

By Tazzee

May 19, 2008 11:30 AM | Link to this

Morning Folks!

I’ve probably been a chameleon dater at some point in my life, but I can’t recall any specific instances. I’ve taken interest in things important to the guy I’m dating but I’ve always maintained my own interests. I can’t think of any interests I’ve acquired as a result of dating either.

I have been guilty of withholding my opinion on certain things, but that’s because I’m trying to tame my opinionated nature. It comes out after a while though - usually when something I’m real passionate about comes up.

By SeanJohnson3000

May 19, 2008 11:32 AM | Link to this

@ Foots..i dvr it…and i watch it when i can….but last nite was GOOD…they killed the black dude off…i was like dang…first the drug charges then get laid off csi

By It's me

May 19, 2008 11:33 AM | Link to this

Today’s subject seems to be leaning towards the woman making every effort to fit that square peg into a round hole but twice have I encountered people saying things to me of their interest when I knew it was a mirror to what my beliefs and interest were. I think there are two spins that can be taken. Most women that are willing to fit the mold to get/keep the man are really sincere in wanting to snag him but going about it all wrong because your true self will eventually rear it’s head. I think men that do it have alterior motives. A man that really wants to get to know you won’t go through such extreme measure, in my opinion.

By Jesus Shuttleworths

May 19, 2008 11:34 AM | Link to this

Some women will share their true feelings with aunts, girlfriends, neighbors and the guy who is still chasing them rather than actually share their real feelings with the man they truly care about, Why is that ladies

NOW THAT IS THE TRUEST ISH I HAVE READ IN A LONG TIME….MARINATE ON THAT FOR A MINUTE LADIES…this right here is one of the top 5 problems your man is secretly stewing over but will not tell you!!!!!!

By Foots

May 19, 2008 11:34 AM | Link to this

Amazon I don’t like the “all women” stuff either. Women get told off when we generalize about men. It’s true that some live up to the generalization and some don’t, but until we know which category that person falls in, it’s unfair (and unwise) to generalize at all. Shoot, I’ve met some dudes that would have lied about what day it is and some that would have been honest enough to tell me if he had moose tracks in his draws. LOL! My spectrum of experience is so wide by now, I couldn’t generalize and say an “all men” statement now without feeling crazy myself.

Raqi Your 11:10 is a good example for knowing if you are a chameleon dater rather than a person who compromises. The second the relationship ends or that person is out of sight, you resort back to the person you really are.

I remember a few years back, I was dating a dude who was really into Drifting. He wanted me to go to this event with him and I went to try something new. I actually had a good time, but it wasn’t my thing. I would have supported and respected his love for it indefinitely, but I couldn’t see ever really getting into it. I was glad for the new experience but I wasn’t in any danger of being immersed myself.

By Wise Diva

May 19, 2008 11:34 AM | Link to this

Hey everyone! Interesting comments this morning!

umm could you at LEAST be kind enough to wait till after noon to go that far off topic Sean/Three stacks? eyeroll

By Que Dog Teaching

May 19, 2008 11:34 AM | Link to this

What up Blog Said while wondering how fast I can take down all these posters in my room. End – of – course - testing this week, finals next week. Then I will become the blog masseuse. My hours will be from 9:30 p.m. until 5:30 a.m. Vampire Hours

On – Topic I believe in this saying “When you try to change someone you are dating, you are really trying to change them into the person you really want to be”

For me it is actually frustrating for someone to never have an opinion. (Restaurant, Movie, Place to eat, what they want to do). Also the woman who can’t give an opinion on what to do, but can only tell you what they don’t want to do. EX:

Que: Hey you want Mexican

Pretty girl: No

Q: Chinese

PG: No

Q: What do you want?

PG: I don’t know, it doesn’t matter.

Que now hitting her over the head with the back of his gold boot

One thing that I don’t want to hear is “ I never wanted to do (fill in the blank) anyway, I only did that for you.” I don’t like extra weak women, I like women with a little something to them. I want a woman who can intelligently compromise. Which in layman’s terms mean have some good common sense. Bottom line just be yourself, I will enjoy you much better. Because change Well, what you don’t do anymore is what destroys a very good relationship.

Off Topic The Katt Williams concert was one of the best comedy shows that I have ever been to. All comedians were funny. I had never heard any of the jokes any of them had told before. I really don’t like women comedians, but those two were funny. I can’t wait on the DVD. Hopefully he will include the opening acts except the two rap acts

By KP (http:chatkafe.blogspot.com)

May 19, 2008 11:35 AM | Link to this

Raqi, you are so right as it relates to your post (11:10). I think the true source is self-esteem and being confident in who you are as a person. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on which side of the fence you are on, men typically have the upper hand because of the number of available women to choose from. Because of the discrepancy, women sometimes feel they need to chameleonize themselves in order to get a leg up on the ‘competition.’ As you’ve stated, it is unnecessary and serves as a detriment and downfall to potential relationships. Oh what a mighty day it would be if we would all just be who we are!!

By Raqi

May 19, 2008 11:37 AM | Link to this

abc the only thing I do not get about what you are saying is, if women are all like this and they (we) are like this all the time, how is it you know that they (we) are not really like this. Do you get what I am asking?

By Teresa

May 19, 2008 11:40 AM | Link to this

What’s up BLOGGERS!!!!!!!! FED FADED AND FEELIN X RATED!

By Brookyln

May 19, 2008 11:42 AM | Link to this

Hey Blog,

I read that article with Jessica Simpson in Glamour and I immediately thought she must have low self esteem or lack of confidence to feel the need to alter her personality or become someone else just to snag a man but then I started thinking about the men I dated and how I do sometimes start getting into the things they like(like watching sports game, going to certain places, reading certain books) and talking more about things they like. I guess everyone does it to a certain degree when they first meet someone. But there’s a thin line between being open minded and developing new likes and dislikes and becoming a clone of the person you are dating just to please them. Its up to you to discern the two

By Wise Diva

May 19, 2008 11:43 AM | Link to this

Some women will share their true feelings with aunts, girlfriends, neighbors and the guy who is still chasing them rather than actually share their real feelings with the man they truly care about

well, maybe their man already complains that she talks/nags too much as it is?

I am not always big on the talking, sometimes I just want you to leave me alone. I think I am dude-ish like that. If we both said what we had to say, let’s get a resolution and/or compromise and get to the makeup sex

By Beautiful Bust It Baby

May 19, 2008 11:43 AM | Link to this

I have been guilty of withholding my opinion on certain things

this was the big one for me. holding my tongue. guys hate it when the woman they are dating have an opinion. why is that? by not saying a word, is that considered knowing our place.

i’m out for the day. meeting someone at the house so they can do inventory. and again 2C, i apologize. i was j/k.

By Deeva4Life

May 19, 2008 11:43 AM | Link to this

Que Dog Teaching I totally agree. I enjoyed the show…I thought the ladies were absolutely HILARIOUS!!!

By Foots

May 19, 2008 11:45 AM | Link to this

SeanJ Now, if that crackhead/alcoholic Robert Downey, Jr. can come back and do a hell of a job as Iron Man, Gary Dourdan can dig himself out of this hole too.

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

May 19, 2008 11:45 AM | Link to this

Ared you know you can’t empty your bags of tricks on table all at once. I love the reaction I get from guys that I have dated that I run into of hear from on My Space and they say, “I didn’t know you did …”. I say well if you weren’t such an azz…you would have found that out! That guys I spoke of earlier..he never knew that I belly dance..so we saw something on TV with a belly dancer and he was intrigued ans started talking about how sexy it was…I laughed inside like ok, you may get that request. But he was a azz..no no dance for him. And when I perform I go all out, costume, make up, wig, etc…so he gets the real show plus a lil’ something extra! But again…things like that are on reserved for the chosen few! I used to dance for an ex after we broke up..but of course he had to pay me now..no more freebies! LOL he came to me because he liked my perfomance so he paid nicely for it…but no lil’ something extra came after! Sorry dude..go get that from the next chick! As the song goes…F’ you ..pay me!

By Brookyln

May 19, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this

Hey Blog,

I read that article with Jessica Simpson in Glamour and I immediately thought she must have low self esteem or lack of confidence to feel the need to alter her personality or become someone else just to snag a man but then I started thinking about the men I dated and how I do sometimes start getting into the things they like(like watching sports game, going to certain places, reading certain books) and talking more about things they like. I guess everyone does it to a certain degree when they first meet someone. But there’s a thin line between being open minded and developing new likes and dislikes and becoming a clone of the person you are dating just to please them. Its up to you to discern the two

By abc

May 19, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this

Yeah, Raqi, you’re saying if women are so effective at presenting, how can I tell it’s a front?

Just experience, I suppose. Having been married for a very long time, knowing lots of women, I’ve been exposed to it. I just expect it at this point, and it’s easy to tell once you anticipate and expect behavior like that. It’s not as if women are always disingenuous about everything. Just a lot of things.

I’m not necessarily condemning it. It’d be like shunning the day because it has light or the night because of its lack. That’s just the way it is. I think it’s kind of funny though, a blog topic paraphrases the same thing and that’s acceptable, but to call it what it is somehow is unacceptable.

By Deeva4Life

May 19, 2008 11:48 AM | Link to this

Que Dog Teaching I totally agree. I enjoyed the show…I thought the ladies were absolutely HILARIOUS!!!

By Brookyln

May 19, 2008 11:49 AM | Link to this

Hey Blog,

I read that article with Jessica Simpson in Glamour and I immediately thought she must have low self esteem or lack of confidence to feel the need to alter her personality or become someone else just to snag a man but then I started thinking about the men I dated and how I do sometimes start getting into the things they like(like watching sports game, going to certain places, reading certain books) and talking more about things they like. I guess everyone does it to a certain degree when they first meet someone. But there’s a thin line between being open minded and developing new likes and dislikes and becoming a clone of the person you are dating just to please them. Its up to you to discern the two

By 2CPTG©

May 19, 2008 11:50 AM | Link to this

Gal, please….you thought you knew some’n about 2! You saw that myspace profile, and ran with it…..You really wanna know what’s happening in this camp just ask!

By The Truth

May 19, 2008 11:51 AM | Link to this

Staceye all joking aside I’d say you are more submissive than most. Not to bust your bubble but I see right thruough your “charachter”. If you ever meet the right guy that armor is going to collapse faster than the Berlin Wall. Your a sweetheart on the inside. Way way way, really far inside. LOL

Not to throw out tags because I just talked with ABC about that but I have never in my living days met a dominant female. It’s an oxymoron. I’ve met women that aggressively protected whatever it was they felt needed protected but never dominant. I’d bet if some met my mother they’d say she was dominant but she wasn’t, she was strong. It took me awhile to realize the difference but in the end she was just a woman with all that comes with that.

Blow you checking out the chicks? Maybe we can hang after all. did you and Teresa go together because she didn’t re-appear until you came back. What’s up with that? And you’re right, the one that wants it the least usually dominates.

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 11:51 AM | Link to this

I think the true source is self-esteem and being confident in who you are as a person.

KP - That’s part of it. But another part of it is what women are led to believe we have to be in order to be married, even though it’s not who we are.

For instance, if you grow up learning that men don’t like independent and assertive women, you might try to tame that aspect of yourself when meeting men. Doesn’t mean you totally throw that part of yourself out the window, but when he asks your opinion on something trivial, like where to eat, you might not assert yourself in that instance.

As stated, eventually you (should) find your own balance and learn that there is someone who is gonna love you for you, no matter what quirks you bring to the table.

But you also have to prepare yourself, in case you have a laundry list of things most people would not put up with in a mate, to be single for a long long time.

By abc

May 19, 2008 11:52 AM | Link to this

Yeah, Raqi, you’re saying if women are so effective at presenting, how can I tell it’s a front?

Just experience, I suppose. Having been married for a very long time, knowing lots of women, I’ve been exposed to it. I just expect it at this point, and it’s easy to tell once you anticipate and expect behavior like that. It’s not as if women are always disingenuous about everything. Just a lot of things.

I’m not necessarily condemning it. It’d be like shunning the day because it has light or the night because of its lack. That’s just the way it is. I think it’s kind of funny though, a blog topic paraphrases the same thing and that’s acceptable, but to call it what it is somehow is unacceptable.

By SeanJohnson3000

May 19, 2008 11:54 AM | Link to this

@ Blow…i have folks in orlando and cocoa beach….do you have family down there? i know if you went to a SC in cocoa you were disappointed…nothing but rabbits down there a few token rats

By Beautiful Bust It Baby

May 19, 2008 12:00 PM | Link to this

2C i didn’t see your myspace profile, didn’t know you had one. i was chatting with a fellow blogger about you. and next time, i will ask you instead. since you’re pyssed at me now, i guess it’s not a good idea to add you as a friend huh?

read y’all in the morning

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

May 19, 2008 12:00 PM | Link to this

Whatever Truth! That is so far form that…the truth. I have always be the rebel. I wear red to a black and white ball. If you say my skirt if too short then I will wear an even shorter one just to p*ss you off for trying to tell me what to do!

I have never in my living days met a dominant female that’s because you haven’t met me! LOL I swear I think I was a dude in my former life!

Blow me Welcome back sista’! I’m leaving Thursday for a lil vacation in the sun!

By Wise Diva

May 19, 2008 12:00 PM | Link to this

that’s a great point @11:49 Brooklyn, big difference.

By Raqi

May 19, 2008 12:00 PM | Link to this

Again I say that compromising; willing to try new interest; and being a chameleon dater are all three different things.

A chameleon is an echo, a mirror image strictly for the purpose of being who you think the other person wants you to be. A person that is afraid to say what they think or like for fear of it being a turn off or disinterest for the other. Don’t pretend to like something or feel the need to force yourself to be for some one else. That’s what JS stated. She thought she had to be a different person to be with TR. But she came to find that he was not looking for that in her. She just needs to be who she is.

Sometimes CD is a result of demands that we put on potential mates.

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 12:00 PM | Link to this

Staceye - I definitely feel ya on that. Trust.

Brooklyn - Jessica Simpson spent her formulative years being told who to be. Then she gets married at like 22. I wouldn’t have known myself either. It’s good to see her coming into her own. She needs to stop detailing every aspect of her romantic life in the media though.

By Foots

May 19, 2008 12:04 PM | Link to this

flabredtxraised Some women will share their true feelings with aunts, girlfriends, neighbors and the guy who is still chasing them rather than actually share their real feelings with the man they truly care about

I agree with a lot of what’s been said so far in response to your question. Personally, the times I have done this were either because: A. I didn’t want him to know that I was so vulnerable to him (think ARed covered that one) B. Because I had a good feeling that he wasn’t into listening to me bare my soul because he’d receive it as a bunch of chatter (Wise** got that one covered)

But there is a C: Maybe she’s not telling you because she doesn’t expect that she’ll get the type of reaction from you that she dreams of…

By Teresa

May 19, 2008 12:05 PM | Link to this

The orlando strip club we went to sucked! Some of the girls needed proactive for the A**

By Raqi

May 19, 2008 12:06 PM | Link to this

abc do you look for all women to be misleading about certain things or just in general? And how do you determine what to look for? Or do you just assume every word coming out of her mouth is a lie automatically?

I have other questions coming once I read your answer.

By Jesus Shuttleworths

May 19, 2008 12:08 PM | Link to this

@truth

Staceye all joking aside I’d say you are more submissive than most. Not to bust your bubble but I see right thruough your “charachter”. If you ever meet the right guy that armor is going to collapse faster than the Berlin Wall. Your a sweetheart on the inside. Way way way, really far inside. LOL

been said that homie — so i cosign your post…and i dont think babygirl that closed off…again she just tired fo the average cat blinded by her outside….

and not to get off topic..but what the hell is up with the rape dance…that ish is all over the news now and youtube….and guess what…black kids doing it

By Foots

May 19, 2008 12:10 PM | Link to this

Staceye I’m leaving Thursday for a lil vacation in the sun!

Girl!! How many vacations do you take a year?? Can I be you for a few months? I need a vacation too! Where are you going? And can I nominate you as the Official Blog Vacation Destination Scout?

By Brooklyn

May 19, 2008 12:11 PM | Link to this

Amazon Red- Yea, I noticed that with her. She seems to give huge accolade to every man she’s ever dated, basically saying that they made her who she is, they brought out this and that in her and yada yada. I wish she will reach a point where she realizes that a man shouldn’t be doing all of this for you. It’s up to you to figure out who you are…not the man you are dating at the moment. Just my perspective…

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

May 19, 2008 12:12 PM | Link to this

teresa Some of the girls needed proactive for the A Eww….bad visual! A zitty azz….GROSS!

Mr. Shuttleworths whatever..you guys can believe what you want! I know the truth!

By KP (http://chatkafe.blogspot.com)

May 19, 2008 12:12 PM | Link to this

AmazonRed, you make a good point (11:51)!

By Tazzee

May 19, 2008 12:13 PM | Link to this

QDT thanks for the review on Katt’s show, I got tickets for the show here in Houston.

SeanJ I’d heard that Gary didn’t renew his contract before the drug arrest. It seemed as if it was his choice when I read it.

By AmazonRed

May 19, 2008 12:23 PM | Link to this

AmazonRed, you make a good point (11:51)!

Thanks KP. That’s the dilemma I faced in the dating world, especially right out of college. I had the whole stay-at-home mom experience and I think that gave me a different view on what a woman “should” do, though none of that was stuff my mother actually did to get my father. LOL

On top of that, my friends who are married are some of the most opinionated women on the planet. Some of the things they tell their husbands make ME cringe and I have no tact! But one thing their husbands do is respect the heck out of them. I was taught you would never get a husband acting that way. LOL (they don’t cook much either, nor do they like to do certain “things” between the sheets, lol)

So while the self-esteem point is very valid, sometimes that does have very little to do with it. Sometimes it’s perception that gets you all mixed up.

By The Truth

May 19, 2008 12:23 PM | Link to this

Staceye If you say my skirt is too short then I will wear an even shorter one just to pss you off for trying to tell me what to do!*

your skirt is way to short. ( The Truth now waiting for a mini skirt that reveals that ct) Btw, you’re revealing way to much cleavage.

The reason you’re not dominant is that you simply react to what others do. Like you said, you’re rebellious, that’s not dominant and to some degree you’ll outgrow that. Alot of kids are rebellious but not dominant. Dominant people don’t react to others actions, they plow through them either pyhsically, mentally or emotionally. Or all 3. Still, we’re cool. I like you’re feistyness. You’d be great entertainment and a hoot to watch.

By Foots

May 19, 2008 12:26 PM | Link to this

Brooklyn I think we need this on a bumper sticker: It’s up to you to figure out who you are…not the man you are dating at the moment.

And why is it that no men are saying that they have ever tried to be the man that their girl wanted? Has this never happened for our blog guys, even when they were young and not so experienced?

By Foots

May 19, 2008 12:35 PM | Link to this

Before I forget, I wanted to share a website with y’all www.thedailyplate.com. It’s a food/exercise tracking site, so you can clearly see your caloric intake vs. what you burn through daily activity. You can set goals (lose, gain, maintain) and track your progress. I’ve been tracking for five weeks, have lost 10 pounds (four more to go), and best of all, I feel so much more informed about what I’m putting into (and taking out of). I’d love to see how my cholesterol levels have improved just by me making better choices.

Check it out if you get a chance.

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

May 19, 2008 12:40 PM | Link to this

Truth I am cool..goofy and liek to have fun…until I feel you trying to pull some I got dominion over you crap..then you will see how I flip it! I see no need to go around picking on people so plwing through them when I am not provoked is not dominat..it is bullying! And that person has no self esteem so to make themselves feel better they display a personality that they claim is dominant when it’s really a weakling. If you must belittle others for reason you are a p*ssy! Now, if you come at me the wrong way then you will see just how dominant I can be…

By Blow Me a.k.a MOST HATED ON

May 19, 2008 12:48 PM | Link to this

SJ3000 LMAO @ token Rats.. Yeah I went to Cocoa..eventhough that beach sucked. It still was a BEACH..thats the only thing I was looking for. You have fam down there? It seems to me that we were the only negros down there…I didn’t see any. Yeah I ended up going to CLEO’s that is suppose to be the happening club down there. It sucked!! I mean that is not even our worst club here. They make Queen City look like the Gold CLUB. The dancers were all tired..no one was tipping…the place was empty no V.I.P. I will NOT nann ever be going back to CLeo’s.

Truth Yeah me and T…took us a break. We vacationed together….It was a few of us..I wish I could have chimed in on the WORST date topic last friday…Because I WAS living it! Ole Boy was a WET noodle the whole damn time. Loser! But there was nothing a lil vodka and Xrated could not do. Why are you checking for me and Teresa Truth? You missed us? aww po baby

By For Real

May 19, 2008 12:51 PM |