AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2008 > July > 01 > Entry
The Little Black(Berry) Book
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Recently, I was talking to friends about former playboys who finally marry after years of playing the field and breaking hearts. I started to think about the men that I know who used to enjoy their bachelorhood so much. When they decided to settle down and turn in their little black book, I wonder how they handled the “sacrifice” of other women.
I think women probably have similar adjustments to make when they decide to forsake all others too. I know it seems that all women are ready to dash down the aisle, but even if that were true, we still have to come to terms with letting go of the single life.
So how do you know that the time is right to retire your little black book? Maybe it would be easier to outline when it is NOT the right time:
If you have unfinished business with an ex, perhaps you should get that out of your system before you retire your LBB. It’s not fair to get into a committed relationship if one random instant message/text message from the past could result in a rendezvous involving a cheap motel and chocolate syrup.
If you don’t think your mate is the total package, a 10 (not just physically), then you probably aren’t a good candidate to give up your LBB. Don’t pretend to be into someone in hopes of using them until something better comes along. It’s not fair and can put your most prized possession in danger. Your iphone/car/pet monkey should not have to pay because you don’t know when to hold on to your LBB.
When do you think is a clear sign that you are ready to retire your little black book? When is it obvious that you should hold on to it?
If you have retired your LBB, was it hard for you to suddenly focus on one special person after you spent so much time on the dating scene? How did you manage it? What adjustments were the hardest for you? What advice can you give single people who are in the process of closing their LBB’s for good?
Permalink | Comments (257) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Comments
By SlimOne
July 1, 2008 8:17 AM | Link to this
Morning This ought to be interesting…will return later.
By QC
July 1, 2008 8:32 AM | Link to this
Morning Slim1, Bloggers oh i can’t wait til the Men chime in on this one…Have a great day everyone!
By SlimOne
July 1, 2008 8:48 AM | Link to this
QC Morning…Michael Baisden had a topic in regards to cheating on his show yesterday. He had the fellas call in and say “If my wife/SO/GF did __, I would stop cheating or wouldn’t cheat” Example:
If my wife would stop wearing that head rag at night, I’d stop cheating.
I found that hilarious but interesting nonetheless. Maybe our blog men can follow suit.
By Raqi
July 1, 2008 8:58 AM | Link to this
The thing about knowing is you just know.
The thing that I have observed is sometimes a special someone makes it happen. Or sometimes just time itself makes it happen. I have often wondered which of the two has a greater rate of success for the long term.
By QC
July 1, 2008 9:00 AM | Link to this
Slim It’s odd that every time that topics comes up for Men to answer..the requests are always “so simple”…hmmm, i’m sure our blog Men will come with it today…WHERE Y’ALL AT??? WAKE UP…GEESH!
By Foots
July 1, 2008 9:19 AM | Link to this
Crickets like a mug in this camp!! (Blog Translation: Golly Gee!! Isn’t it quiet in here today??)
By Blue Kolla
July 1, 2008 9:21 AM | Link to this
Only after a dude has convinced himself that he has a 93% chance of a keeper on his hands, will he let his fallbacks go, and wife that broad up… NOT BEFORE.
And even then, as fellas here can tell you, ain’t no such thing as a sure thing, when it comes to dealing with a female (<===said from the male perspective, so keep your panteez on).
By SlimOne
July 1, 2008 9:25 AM | Link to this
QC Yeah, I’ve noticed that too and I hate when it’s a mens topic, that the women end up in some way taking over. Times like this i want to sit back and absorb the lil “jewels” as they like to call it. I think the saying goes something to the effect of you have one mouth but two ears…so you should listen twice as much as you speak.
By Raqi
July 1, 2008 9:26 AM | Link to this
When someone opts to burn their little black book as a result of a special person you can’t help but wonder if once the novelty of the new found love wears thin will the former player(ette) ways resurface. Will they stray?
When someone turns it in because they have tired of the chase, does that invoke a mindset of willing to settle?
But I do know that there is a balance in both instances.
By DasV
July 1, 2008 9:26 AM | Link to this
LOL@ QC goading the blog bruthas into why headrags justify cheating. thats funny we all know you are a sweet woman.
on topic i dont think its smart to wait until someone comes along to put down your lil black book in whateva technological form its in. i think the smart thing is to decide that you want no more part of the ‘game’ that dating has become. in the meantime you work on the residual that comes with having a black book…. the trust issues, the inability to commit, the low self-esteem, etc.
LOL@ panteez good morning, BluK. define 93% please.
By Wise Diva
July 1, 2008 9:27 AM | Link to this
Good morning!
Come on ladies, you can admit to not wanting to let go of all that male attention, right? LOL. Deleting the names out of your blackberry can be painful for some of us too!
@blue kolla, that picture was selected for three reasons: Google (bad boy image search) and because that dude is hot, and his wife is a black woman so he is into brown girls, LOL. But really, just because he was hot in that picture, sorry.
By Foots
July 1, 2008 9:29 AM | Link to this
Wise iphone/car/pet monkey
I’m glad I saw that forward slash at the last minute. I was just about to ask you what a carpet monkey was! LOL
By The Truth
July 1, 2008 9:30 AM | Link to this
Good morning folks.
On topic: A dude should never retire his black book. First, it’s totally stupid to have a bunch of knock offs in your files. So, if all or most of your friends are quality chicks that can stand outside of the bedroom why cut off contact with them? Stay in touch because you never know when your girls gonna try a power move. That’s when you sidestep her and keep your program going. It’s real simple. Nothing is more important than maintaining your program, assuming you’ve got a good one to begin with.
This reminds me of a chick I was discussing marriage with 8 yrs ago. She told me some old boyfriend called her and said he was just going through his phonebook letting friends know he was getting married and if I had ever thought about doing something like that. I was like hell no.
This is the first step in having your nutz surgically removed.
KP so what has the church done in the last, lets say, 500 years?
By Foots
July 1, 2008 9:31 AM | Link to this
SlimOne/QC I bet that women have simple requests too, like they wish their men would bathe everyday, even on weekends. If I had a dollar for every woman who has told me that her man “forgets” to bathe and will attempt to get freaky while not being fresh, I’d be rich. LOL
By Wise Diva
July 1, 2008 9:35 AM | Link to this
no no, I don’t do men topics! LOL It’s true for both men and women, some of us have to adjust from rotations (not just sexual) and options to focusing on one person, and it works better when you make this decision at the right time for the right reasons
By SlimOne
July 1, 2008 9:40 AM | Link to this
Wise Come on ladies, you can admit to not wanting to let go of all that male attention, right? We all want to feel desired no matter if we have high self-esteem or low self-esteem. I don’t think the lil thrill of someone finding you attractive or noticing you ever dies. You may not necessarily have a need to entertain it but it’s flattering. The hard part would be trying to give up those non-emotional, sweaty, hard-pounding late night sx sessions with the dude you know you’ll never be in a relationship with. LOL!
I have a friend who recently got married. She said one of her struggles or major changes is not calling up or communicating with dudes whenever things get stale or when her and the SO has a rough day. When you’re single you tend to have acquaintences or ‘friends’ you call up for different reasons…whether it’s just to vent, grab a drink with or to get your BussITbaby on with. This is coming from a chick who everyone was surprised to get married.
By Raqi
July 1, 2008 9:41 AM | Link to this
Signs that you are not ready:
Wandering Eye
In your heart you know you can’t see yourself with one person
You keep a “just in case” rotation within arms reach just in case. (i.e. “Stay in touch because you never know when your girls gonna try a power move.”)
Nightlife club hopping still gets your blood to racing
You still look to see who is checking you out around the room
By Foots
July 1, 2008 9:44 AM | Link to this
Wise Come on ladies, you can admit to not wanting to let go of all that male attention, right? LOL.
Oh, of course! I know that it’s difficult to give up the attention, especially when there are always men around throwing it at you everyday. As long as men are the main ones doing the approaching, men have to realize that their women are the ones saying “No, thanks” on a daily basis. It’s easy to say “I’ll pass” if your man is taking care of business, but I can imagine that it would be pretty rough to handle when another man extends you the type of attention that your man used to give.
If you have unfinished business with an ex, perhaps you should get that out of your system before you retire your LBB.
I’ve had issues with this when I was much younger, about 18, which led to cheating. Bottom line was that I was still very much in love with my ex when I got involved with a new man, though I didn’t know it at the time. As time went on though, I realized how deeply I still felt for the other man and I made some terrible choices. We all managed to get out of that with a few bumps and bruises. But you live and you learn.
When I was older, I had the same type of feelings for a past flame, but I didn’t cheat. I broke it off with the man I was seeing because I knew I had these feelings for someone else. A few months after that is when the past flame and I got back together.
The point is: I should have stayed by my dayum self until I was sure I was over my past. But, I handled everything much better with a few more years experience under my belt and I was able to make better decisions to keep people from being hurt.
By QC
July 1, 2008 9:46 AM | Link to this
Foots of course that is sooo true…hey DasV
By Bit-O-Hunny
July 1, 2008 9:46 AM | Link to this
Morning Blogsville I think when the one you’re with makes you happy and feel great, then all others should be eliminated. Technically, if you’re operating from a “just-in-case” standpoint, you’ll never be happy b/c you’re always looking out/waiting for the next best thing. Totally missing the one you’re with. The grass is never greener on the other side. It’s been sprayed green.
By The Truth
July 1, 2008 9:48 AM | Link to this
Das V the trust issues, the inability to commit, the low self-esteem, etc. why do these things have anything to do with a black book or just staying in touch with old friends? The same logic could be that a person that wants a relationship is insecure, fearful, or weak.
By Bit-O-Hunny
July 1, 2008 9:48 AM | Link to this
Morning Blogsville I think when the one you’re with makes you happy and feel great, then all others should be eliminated. Technically, if you’re operating from a “just-in-case” standpoint, you’ll never be happy b/c you’re always looking out/waiting for the next best thing. Totally missing the one you’re with. The grass is never greener on the other side. It’s been sprayed green.
By ATL Guy
July 1, 2008 9:49 AM | Link to this
I’ve been gone for a week, let me grace you all with my presence!
The whole BlackBook is a single lifestyle. I was out couple months ago, talking to this fine Columbian who lived in Marietta now (hearing a Columbian saying “Marietta” is mad sexy with the accent) anyways… got her number but never called. But, its good to know you can still land that number. Girls play the same Game. Its the Chase. When you’re in a relationship or married, think you miss the chase sometimes. The unpredictablity is exciting and when you delete the numbers from your phone, you’re giving up that kind of lifestyle
By Wise Diva
July 1, 2008 9:50 AM | Link to this
The hard part would be trying to give up those non-emotional, sweaty, hard-pounding late night sx sessions with the dude you know you’ll never be in a relationship with
LOL @ Slimone I just nearly choked on my herbal tea LOL!
By Blue Kolla
July 1, 2008 9:50 AM | Link to this
Foots If I had a dollar for every woman who has told me that her man “forgets” to bathe and will attempt to get freaky while not being fresh, I’d be rich. LOL
Those chicks didn’t tell the story right. How it went was dude was just outside washing the car and thought that it would be cool to do a spontaneous azz check. Ain’t like he was out pushing the mower and smells like goat azz.
Unfortunately your girls have lost it and want to be all prissy and sh!t. Kinda like when I said a broad that’s afraid to get a little sweaty is an irritant.
DasV That right there ^^^ is a nice large chunk of that 93% that I was talking about - kinda hits on two fronts, being easy to live with and free and forthcoming with the physical.
Wise If you say so. :-/
QC ;)
By M.
July 1, 2008 9:51 AM | Link to this
@Wise
It’s not fair to get into a committed relationship if one random instant message/text message from the past
I was just thinking about this today on the drive in. If some of my ex’s emailed or called or if I seen them in person, they wouldnt faze me at all. Thats when I know Im over them.
Also, I think you should hold on to your lbb when you just arent really content yet, but being a bachelor in my mid 20’s, Im sure Ill get tired of seeing the same thing, and then I will know its time to retire the LBB. It just to many ladies to choose from. I do want to get it all out of my system.
The best advice I ever heard was dont think about anyone seriously in your 20s just have fun. They arent going anywhere…
By KP (http://chatkafe.blogspot.com)
July 1, 2008 9:51 AM | Link to this
Truth…lets wait couple of hours before getting off topic. I’m here preparing french toast, grits, eggs, bacon/sausage, orange juice and fruit for the blog gang this morning.
This topic should get some variety because most guys don’t want to be intentional in retiring their black books. It’s just easier to allow time to fade away without directly contacting ex-girlfriends. I’m interested in seeing which blog men have been intentional in cutting ties with their ex-girlfriends. I would also like to see which blog women have been intentional with this practice…even if it’s when they enter into a committed relationship.
By Foots
July 1, 2008 9:55 AM | Link to this
BOH The grass is never greener on the other side. It’s been sprayed green.
Either that, or it’s full of shyt. Fertilizer makes stuff green.
Truth So, if all or most of your friends are quality chicks that can stand outside of the bedroom why cut off contact with them? Stay in touch because you never know when your girls gonna try a power move.
I knew that you had women that you’d go back to for more than just azz.
But why not just “act as if” your relationship will last and that you won’t need the fall backs?
By The Melo
July 1, 2008 9:56 AM | Link to this
it’s not fair to get into a committed relationship if one random instant message/text message from the past could result in a rendezvous involving a cheap motel and chocolate syrup I dont knw about other dudes,but i have never had a LBB.And when i was ready to settle down,there waz no hesitancy about the commitment part.However,from a man’s perspective, i will say that a random encounter with ex or some girl is alwayz a possibility.How u handle that can test ur relatiosnship with who u committed to. I dontt mind other ladies checking me out,or me checking them.The fact that im in a room with sme hot chics does not in itself mean im not committed to whom i am with.It just means i have the potential to pounce,so my woman must never be in some comfort zone.She needs to keep herself nice,trim and sexxy,the way i found her in the 1st place.When that deteriorates, i may be forced to explore other options.
By M.
July 1, 2008 10:00 AM | Link to this
@Foots
It’s easy to say “I’ll pass” if your man is taking care of business, but I can imagine that it would be pretty rough to handle when another man extends you the type of attention that your man used to give.
Does this work both ways also? If your woman had you sprung when you first met then she takes a nose dive or just feels like she got you in the beginning but she dosent have to do anything to keep you?
I work with a guy who looks happily married but he’s messing with this girl in the office who is gorgeous, single, younger, and knows he is married. Crazy….
By SlimOne
July 1, 2008 10:00 AM | Link to this
Wise I didn’t mean to make you choke but i’m speaking from what was a devil sitting on my shoulder…Then for you to cut it off only to, few months later, end up running into this person looking and smelling all good…Dayum scent is a bish…brings back all them memories you’ve tried to erase. I just had to laugh at God’s sense of humor. Had an angel on my right shoulder speaking in the voice of Bobby Bushaes mother in Waterboy…”He is the DEBIL!” lol
However, I’ve done the go through the phone deleting numbers when I felt I was in a promising situation. Seems like the longer you’re single, the harder it is to amend your single-thought process. When you date often/a lot…its easy to go on to the next when you don’t like something a particular person said or did, or just out of pure boredom.
By Foots
July 1, 2008 10:02 AM | Link to this
Blue I’m not talking about washing the car and trying to get some. I have personally witnessed past boyfriends, including one who lived with me for a few months, not take a bath for at least 2 days. Usually on the weekend if we were not going anywhere. One time, I saw dude take a shower Friday morning before work, and then take another shower Monday morning before work. I’ve seen more than one dude I was involved with try to get away with this. Dudes can be nasty like that. Not to mention hearing about the same phenomemon from other women.
You bathe, and that’s good. But until you start dating dudes, I don’t think you’d truly know. Trust me, your boys won’t tell you that they don’t bathe on the regular, nor would you want to know that info.
By Raqi
July 1, 2008 10:02 AM | Link to this
KP Intentional? Sweetheart that’s what it is all about making a choice to be. Would you want a woman that is with you because she has no other options? Or would you want that woman that has chosen to be with you despite all others that could very well serve the purpose?
By Blue Kolla
July 1, 2008 10:05 AM | Link to this
Slim The hard part would be trying to give up those non-emotional, sweaty, hard-pounding late night sx sessions with the dude you know you’ll never be in a relationship with
Now while Wise was over there choking on some tea, I was thinking, “Now that’s a bit ho’ish… but you gotta respect ol’ girl for the honesty.”
By Foots
July 1, 2008 10:05 AM | Link to this
M. Everything works both ways. It’s hard to handle, but mature adults find ways to handle it if they don’t want to deal with that along with the consequences of their possible actions. Dude could now lose his family over a woman who doesn’t mean that much to him, when he could have just sat his wife down and talked to her about what was missing.
By abc
July 1, 2008 10:05 AM | Link to this
Thing is, everyone in your little black book has one of their own, and while you may toss yours, that doesn’t mean they toss theirs. It’s like many of them never go away entirely. Whether you’re vulnerable to them is a personal choice. One can compare it (superificially) to quitting smoking or going on a diet: are you serious about it, are you committed to it? Your own mindset is all that really counts.
By QC
July 1, 2008 10:07 AM | Link to this
Smooches BK
By Nena
July 1, 2008 10:09 AM | Link to this
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we talk about marriage and plans for our future. I’m very sure he’s ready to settle down but he hasn’t proposed yet. I trust him and don’t think he’s out there still playing around but I kind of feel he hasn’t asked the “question” because he will feel that he really has turned in his LBB. Men, do you think that could be it?
By BennyB
July 1, 2008 10:12 AM | Link to this
A black book should not be destroyed, more than 50% of those who marry become single again soon after. Marriage is a bad deal for women and an enthusiasm killer for men. Let’s face the fact that many women are not happy in their marriage. They don’t question themselves why they should do it in first place. Most women marry for self validation and to be accepted by the society. Nowdays, both men and women earn enough money to live separately; women don’t need men for living nor protection. Women need men just for one thing: celebrate life. Modern girls are not raised to be caring mothers; they are raised to be glamorous actresses and movies starts. Women who choose to be mothers become extremely depressed and get bored by motherhood very quickly. Most of those women become sexually un-attracted to their husbands soon after child birth, cheat and finally divorce to join the certified cougars club. Divorce makes most women very vulnerable and put their self esteem into question. It gives to willing women a perspective of life that they should have had before they decide to marry. At that stage, a cougar will find spiritual freedom for the first time; some will choose to experiment any possible fantasy ranging from cheating on their daughter to seducing their son’s best friend. With age and failing health, a cougar will again seek stability in a long term relationship to find out again that a job of boring responsibilities and caring is waiting around the corner, this time however, a trust fund or a 401K will be within her reach. Maybe that’s an acceptable deal. Men will be better served if all women were single. The responsibility and the commitment to one woman will be history and our fantasy to be with multiple women as we wish will be realized over night. Maybe until a natural catastrophe hit us to remind women that a man can love and protect them and also remind men that a woman is a loving and nurturing being - we should stay independent and solo and call each other only to fulfill natural needs.
There is not point to talk about men, because deep inside, every man know that he is made in the image of God, hence every man know that he is perfect.
By AmazonRed
July 1, 2008 10:15 AM | Link to this
emerging from Lurksville Good morning everyone!
I don’t delete any of my past conquests from my phone. I’m not often tempted to call or drunk dial or text, I think a bigger impact is when you tell a guy you are thru with him and you never slip up and call him again!
I keep the numbers so there are no surprises if he pops up months or years later. You know, you get that one call you don’t recognize and on the other end it’s that ex that can draw you back in. No thanks!
Beau asked if you could trade your LBB with someone for a day, who would you trade with? His choice was Prince because he bags the hottest chicks. LOL
By SeanJohnson3000
July 1, 2008 10:15 AM | Link to this
Sup Blog…
@ Slim…The hard part would be trying to give up those non-emotional, sweaty, hard-pounding late night sx sessions with the dude you know you’ll never be in a relationship with….See i am a firm believer in tapping into a females “inner wh@re”…unlocking everything…once you are married..after a while yall get all “Mayberry”…so i will never get rid of my 8820
By SlimOne
July 1, 2008 10:18 AM | Link to this
Blue Now that’s a bit ho’ish… but you gotta respect ol’ girl for the honesty You are always calling folks hoes-n-shyt on here. I could see that being hoish if it were a matter of sleeping with multiple dudes to fulfill the carnal desires. But how is it ho’ish to have a FWB/CB? (friend w/benefits or cutbuddy) Sometimes you come across a person you just have chemistry with…but not trying to get into a debate about Ho’ish…according to Blue K
abc Good analogy.
By The Truth
July 1, 2008 10:18 AM | Link to this
Foots don’t ever try to use my terms against me. In my mind a relationship isn’t whole or broken because I cheated. I loved my ex wife but still cheated.
“Act as if” is a mental mindset that you can get anything you want in this life. I wanted my wife at that moment but I also wanted that other chick around the corner. I got both.
Here’s the rule to live by. I love puddy more than I love any chick. I’ve been in love with chicks that I have absolutely no feelings for this minute. I still love azz. The one thing that makes you just want to give up on sex is diseases and children. Those things will dam near force you to be faithful. Other than that I’m not faithful and neither are most of the folks on planet earth.
Look at the chicks on here talking about committment and faithfulness and they aren’t to their own supposedly overall desire. It’s like I’m going to fugg around and play “BUT” when Mr right comes along I’m going to be a good wife and mother. No you’re not. You’re going to be a chick that just needs the right motivation to get back out there. The chick that’s really into committment and faithfulness is first and foremost committed to herself.
By KP (http://chatkafe.blogspot.com)
July 1, 2008 10:20 AM | Link to this
Raqi, I’m referring to a man or woman who says to himself/herself ‘I am in a relationship/engagement and I want to purge myself from my past.’
Personally, I don’t think I would sit down and have that discussion with my SO, but it would be nice for her to take that initiative. I’ve heard of arguments that have taken place because women wanted to sit in the presence of their men while they made phone calls to their ex-girlfriends. When the guys refused to do so, all heck broke loose. If you cannot trust that your man or woman is gonna do the right thing, then the relationship is starting off incorrectly. Relationship without trust is a ticking timebomb waiting for jealousy to boil over at some point.
By AmazonRed
July 1, 2008 10:26 AM | Link to this
Come on ladies, you can admit to not wanting to let go of all that male attention, right? LOL.
Sure WiseDiva, I can admit that. But I want him calling me and blowing up my phone and me giving him the cold shoulder. I want him to see me out on the town and thinking it’s okay to approach only to be get shut down!
If I’m answering the calls and drawed into his game, then I’m looking just as silly for being a pawn in his game.
By DasV
July 1, 2008 10:29 AM | Link to this
Truth its either trust issahs or inability to commit at work or its just keeping in touch with old friends. and its either wanting to be in a relationship or its co-dependency.
you are adamant about not giving up your black book. but you cant say that is for the sole purpose of keeping in touch with “friends” because in the same breathe you say that if the woman you are with starts with some other program you will be able to keep rolling. am i wrong?
BluK 93% involves the willingness factor, minus the cringe factor. that right? :) but now lets speak to melo’s point… no deterioration. we cant keep things up if you grabbing and taking it at just any ole time, all stanky-like. just sayin.
By Foots
July 1, 2008 10:32 AM | Link to this
Truth Look at the chicks on here talking about committment and faithfulness and they aren’t to their own supposedly overall desire.
You’re not saying that we aren’t going to be tempted are you? We all have desires and will continue to have desires, just like any other animal. What makes us different is the ability to reason and weigh consequences of our actions.
You don’t see anything wrong with cheating because in your mind, azz is more important to you than any woman. You don’t care that you may lose that woman, as long as you gain some azz. That’s your right to feel that way. But not everyone feels that way, so don’t project.
People settle down eventually, whether it be fear of children, disease, they’ve met the one for them, or they are just too dayum old to get it up.
By AmazonRed
July 1, 2008 10:33 AM | Link to this
I had a dollar for every woman who has told me that her man “forgets” to bathe and will attempt to get freaky while not being fresh, I’d be rich. LOL
EWWWWW!!!
By For Real
July 1, 2008 10:34 AM | Link to this
What up Blog Fam!!!
Wise I ment to ask you yesterday what made dude in the pic you posted a bad boy?
On topic: When is the right time to give up your LBB?
When her signature is on the Pre-Nup
By Blue Kolla
July 1, 2008 10:35 AM | Link to this
KP I’m interested in seeing which blog men have been intentional in cutting ties with their ex-girlfriends. I would also like to see which blog women have been intentional with this practice…even if it’s when they enter into a committed relationship.
For dudes I would imagine one, or none. Yeah we’re doing the fade away, where as a chick will want to broadcast the “big news”.
Foots I have personally witnessed past boyfriends, including one who lived with me for a few months, not take a bath for at least 2 days….But until you start dating dudes, I don’t think you’d truly know.
Aight, you got me on that one.
Nena My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we talk about marriage and plans for our future. I’m very sure he’s ready to settle down but he hasn’t proposed yet.
Sorry slim, but he don’t see you as a 93% sure-win bet. Otherwise he’s snap your azz up before some other smooth-talkin’, ring in hand cat did.
Slim You are always calling folks hoes-n-shyt on here. I could see that being hoish if it were a matter of sleeping with multiple dudes to fulfill the carnal desires. But how is it ho’ish to have a FWB/CB?
Point 1 - NO I’m not
Point 2 - If it was a dude it would be doggish, you just ain’t gettin’ paid (maybe), but it’s still HO”ISH.
Point 3 - I don’t make the rules, you can call it what you want, but me and JUST ABOUT EVERY OTHER DUDE that I know is gon’ call it bein’ a ho. Take it or fuggin’ leave it. That’s your option, but it is what it is.
Point 4 - Notice how SeanJ called the same strike. Come on now…
By DasV
July 1, 2008 10:36 AM | Link to this
theTruth i absolutely agree with you. a person cannot suddenly be the doting and submissive wife on a dime. to be anything in life takes work. an alcoholic works… at getting drunk all the dayum time. you are what you work at being. you cant decide to be in a committed, monogamous relationship if you’ve never been alone…. by yourself…. able to enjoy life and what it offers you, not you and someone else. but Pasta even with having acknowledged the truth in your post, riddle me this….. what exactly do you have to offer someone one who is interested and believes in the whole ‘till death do us part’ even if i have to do the killing thing??
By "Longtime Lurker"
July 1, 2008 10:37 AM | Link to this
Mornin folks….
I say don’t eva give up the LBB! ish aint guaranteed to last, so it’s sorta like an insurance policy if ish don’t work out or you go through a dry patch!
Now I am not saying that you should continue to call any of your ex’s or jump-offs, while having serious relations, but if for some reason you find yourself being put in the penalty box more often than you would like, the LBB could be a lifesaver and a friend!
By For Real
July 1, 2008 10:41 AM | Link to this
Ared You don’t want to be drawn into his game but it’s okay for you to draw him into your game?
By Vacationing Teach F.K.A. kinderbabe
July 1, 2008 10:42 AM | Link to this
good morning all.:)
on topic: i’ve made a habit of getting rid of phone numbers of flings, guys i’ve dated in the past, exes, etc. i figure, unless there was some earth shaking connection between us, what’s the point of holding on to the number? for me, it only provides temptation of reconnecting with a situation that didn’t work for me. if it didn’t work then 9 times out of 9 the status is the same. of course, there are instances when i maintained great friendships (strictly platonic) with guys from my past, definitely a special circumstance.
By Utopia (frmly Lurker)
July 1, 2008 10:42 AM | Link to this
ABC 10:05 - I’ll cosign that.
By SlimOne
July 1, 2008 10:43 AM | Link to this
SJ & Blue I’ll leave it, not in for you all’s tirades today. Back to topic all the while displaying my MIDDLE FANGA! lol (what you eat don’t make me shyt)
By Foots
July 1, 2008 10:44 AM | Link to this
Blue I agree with your response to Nena.
Yeah we’re doing the fade away, where as a chick will want to broadcast the “big news”.
I think most folks do the fade away, and tell folks that they are in something when somebody actually calls them up to try to get back. That’s me, at least. I don’t do the broadcast, I tell dudes what’s up if they call me wanting to know what’s up.
By AmazonRed
July 1, 2008 10:46 AM | Link to this
Look at the chicks on here talking about committment and faithfulness and they aren’t to their own supposedly overall desire. It’s like I’m going to fugg around and play “BUT” when Mr right comes along I’m going to be a good wife and mother. No you’re not. You’re going to be a chick that just needs the right motivation to get back out there. The chick that’sreally into committment and faithfulness is first and foremost committed to herself.
Truth - I’m with you on this.
By Blue Kolla
July 1, 2008 10:46 AM | Link to this
AND Slim… I didn’t even call you a Ho. I said that your actions were ho’ish.
But I hear you holla’n. SMH
By The Truth
July 1, 2008 10:48 AM | Link to this
Das what exactly do you have to offer someone one who is interested and believes in the whole ‘till death do us part’ even if i have to do the killing thing?? Absolutely nothing. That whole till death do you part is b******. A chick saying I’ll be with you till you die when she’ll bounce if he cheats, loses his job, doesn’t give her enough attention. Come on. Like I said yesterday, y’all aren’t cut like that. You live your lives in a series of fantasies and usually just wind up unhappy with whatever you do. The real question is will I let you make me unhappy.
I think the stats say that 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Dam near 90% of the marriages are. Who wants to base their whole life on something as unreliable as some broads emotions. I love you all but in the right context. I’m going to do my thing because there’s no need in both of us being miserable. LOL
By Nena
July 1, 2008 10:50 AM | Link to this
Blue so the average guy or most men would propose before 3 years?
By SexyLeggs
July 1, 2008 10:52 AM | Link to this
Dang! Whoever said they shouldn’t give up their black books/phones I totally agree. If you have friends more than FWB why throw away years of friendship just to be with another person. Once married, you can keep these friends behind curtains never to sexually touch again. Yet, when the divorce looms its ugly head, you can still have your friends who may or may not be waiting in the wings. If you discard all of your contacts you’ll never know cuz you can’t get back in touch w/them. Nope, I’m keeping mine.
BennyB, your post isn’t entirely right. Women who choose to be mothers become extremely depressed and get bored by motherhood very quickly. So untrue! Don’t know what percentages you’re looking at! but I guess post partum depression affects a lot of women, thank goodness I wasn’t one of them.
Divorce…gives to…women a perspective of life that they should have had before they decide to marry. So very true, in some cases! At that stage, a cougar will find spiritual freedom for the first time; some will choose to experiment any possible fantasy Did you mean sexual freedom or did you mean spiritual? Probably very true ranging from cheating on their daughter to seducing their son’s best friend.* NOT! One thing this cougar had going on for her before and after divorce—-> a healthy dosage of self-esteem. It’s that cloud that keeps me afloat when the curve balls of life are thrown at me. Catch as many as I can and keep on trucking…
Hope this makes sense (LOL).
By Bre'
July 1, 2008 10:54 AM | Link to this
This topic has been recent with me and a few girlfriends. They want to bid on my LBB….which is not going to happen. I lived most of my 20’s carefree with a good healthy five finger rotation…and always had a gang of male friends to kick it with. Commitment was never anything I really looked for, wanted or believed in 100%. Then came along, *Mr.NotSupposedToBeHere” and somehow two years later we are still together. But it was a choice to give up the 5FingerRotation, but I did not send out a email blast or txt msg saying I’m off the market. I just pulled my actions back and let the rest work its way out. I have to be honest some old dudes have zero clue I’m in a situation. But others have a pretty clear idea what’s up. The not so easy part is when I travel to certain cities..where I had a fly guy and I’m there a few days and I can’t call him and be like lets hang out….temptation is test of all will power.
I’m older and wiser now, I don’t have as much energy for the game. My lifestyle and work is pretty extra busy and intense. So I think I’ve settled into the one guy life pretty okay with the usual bumps in the road. I was tempted a few times here and there but pretty much I’ve remained on the path to being good.
Now I’ve seen a few of my player boyfriends…just throw there LBB in for different reasons: Getting too old for the game, the test results scared him to getting one girl, everyone else is getting hitched he’s the only single guy, they are ready for children, pressure from parents and family to settle down, others to get there trust fund….but rarely and few are turning in there LBB for true love….so we shall see how it goes.
By Blue Kolla
July 1, 2008 10:56 AM | Link to this
Back to topic all the while displaying my MIDDLE FANGA! lol (what you eat don’t make me shyt)
I’m laughing wit’cha and at’cha Slim. You’ve got a nasty azz mouf too, but ain’t no need to get salty.
But for real though, ain’t that why everybody’s flocking off to Vegas, Rio, Mardi Gras, Hedonism and spots like that so that they can be the HO that they are and come back home and nobody know anything about it?
By Foots
July 1, 2008 10:56 AM | Link to this
Nena You left out some background. How old are you and this guy? Were you in school during the 3 years? Being together for three years and you started dating when you were 21 is different than 3 years and you started dating at 31.
By For Real
July 1, 2008 10:59 AM | Link to this
Nena Sorry poo-bear if he hasn’t asked yet then he see some missing parts in you. Time doesn’t play into a man’s decision to marry a chick. You are either marriage material or one helluva girlfriend. How old are you and ole dude?
By Lady J
July 1, 2008 10:59 AM | Link to this
What an interesting topic…Will I give up the LBB nope not at all especially just dating…Truth I agree with your points…wow a grown up topic…J
By AmazonRed
July 1, 2008 10:59 AM | Link to this
Ared You don’t want to be drawn into his game but it’s okay for you to draw him into your game?
For Real - I should have specified that these are exes. Once you are an ex, the game is over.
I know how you guys don’t like to burn your bridges (code for keeping the ex sex option open)
By 2CPTG©
July 1, 2008 11:00 AM | Link to this
Folks ain’t gettin rid of their Black Books….plain and simple.
By SlimOne
July 1, 2008 11:01 AM | Link to this
Blue I apologize, but i can’t hear you without my hearing aid and I couldnt read your lips cuz my middle fanga was in the way…didn’t say you called me a ho. To be honest, my post wasn’t even meant to be taken seriously…BUT Like I said, just get back to topic
By Blue Kolla
July 1, 2008 11:03 AM | Link to this
Nena so the average guy or most men would propose before 3 years
Read what you said right here again ===> I trust him and don’t think he’s out there still playing around but I kind of feel he hasn’t asked the “question” because he will feel that he really has turned in his LBB.
Now just marinate on that for minute and consider this ===>> If you’re standing in the gas station with the winning lottery ticket, are you worried about them other scratched off mf’s laying on the floor?
By Vacationing Teach F.K.A. kinderbabe
July 1, 2008 11:10 AM | Link to this
hey ladyj :)
By Blue Kolla
July 1, 2008 11:10 AM | Link to this
Leggs BennyB, your post isn’t entirely right.
You actually read that post? Listening to Bennie is like listening to a Jehovah’s Witness, there’s probably going to be some truth, but it’s gon’ be a minute. Dang…
By The Truth
July 1, 2008 11:10 AM | Link to this
BK lmao. Slim a ho is to a man what dog is to a woman. Y’all throw that word around quite often but I see when women get it coming back their way it stings a little.
Foots you’ve mentioned on a few occasions the possiblity of losing a mate. That’s not the worst thing that can happen nor an overriding fear in my mind. I base my decisions on what’s best for me, nobody else. Like I said “we’re all a bunch of selfish basturds masquerading as nice people”.
Sidenote: Times have really changed when bruh’s are walking away from a 1 one year/$17 million dollar contract because they can make more elsewhere. The NBA free agent market is now open. I ain’t mad at ya. LOL
By For Real
July 1, 2008 11:11 AM | Link to this
Dude: Baby you know I love you. I have been with you for 3yrs.
Nena: I know Summer Bunny but I need something from you that lets me know you value me.
Dude: I pay the rent. I pay your car note. I pay the insurance on both cars. Hell I even give yo mama money.
Nena: I know Money Pot and I am thankfull but I need something from you that’s not material.
Dude: Okay. I here you. Here take my black book.
Chick: Ohhhh for real Sucka Booty!!!!! I am soooooo happy. You do love me!!!!!
Dude: Yeahhhh I do. (phone rings) Hold on baby it’s Truth let me take this… What up maine?
Truth: Hey man I think I left my black book in your car.
Dude: Let me call you back.
By For Real
July 1, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this
Ared If it’s over why: I want him calling me and blowing up my phone and me giving him the cold shoulder. I want him to see me out on the town and thinking it’s okay to approach only to be get shut down!
By Foots
July 1, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this
You know what? I don’t even think I HAVE a LBB now. There are guys that know I could call if I needed to connect with physically, but even if there wasn’t a man in my picture now, I wouldn’t call nan one of em. I didn’t call them when I wasn’t involved. Nothing wrong with them per se, but there was a reason why we moved on.
A few years back, I did have trouble NOT calling one dude I dated for a while. I thought about it for a while during one particularly bad dateless spell, but I decided that a few nights were not worth all that crazy. And when I was about 25 and in need, I did call a friendly ex to help out, but then that turned into Our Relationship Part 2. LOL
By Foots
July 1, 2008 11:16 AM | Link to this
For Real LMAO!!!! That was a good one!! Money Pot/Sucka Booty?? ROTFLMAO!!
By DasV
July 1, 2008 11:16 AM | Link to this
dang truth. i didnt know the cynical side of you was so serious. aint that some residual talkin??
curious so for all your talk you really dont believe in a do-or-die chick? i know rap colloquialisms arent real premises but i do hold the strong opinion that love is a choice. and when a woman chooses to love a man she is vowing to also respect him, and support his established goal-oriented work ethic. and i really do believe my role is not subservient, but submissive. and despite the incomplete package that you spew on here daily, i really do believe that there exist a man (men) worthy of such honor, who will recognize in me the completion of his code.
yea,no matter what… neva give up that black book of yours. i believe everyone should have what they deserve.
By SlimOne
July 1, 2008 11:17 AM | Link to this
Blue I’m laughing wit’cha and at’cha Slim. You’ve got a nasty azz mouf too, but ain’t no need to get salty I’m glad I could add a lil joy to your life today. I’m not salty, i took a WASH UP this morn in the kitchen sank.
As far as Hedo, Vegas, Mardi Gras to be secret hoes….um, I’ve never been to either of these places so i’m not sure why folks flock there. Maybe you can ask 2e’s as I know shes gone to Hedo before.
BlueK now lobbying to change Hedonism to Hoenism
By Staceye AKA Black Mamba
July 1, 2008 11:18 AM | Link to this
Good Day all!!!
Well…little blackbooks have been replaced by cellphones and blackberries and email. But, dudes are too uncertain, so I will never let go of my reserves…my back ups…my 2nd & 3rd string bench players. Grammy always said never put all your dollars in one bank. Meaning don’t put 100% into one man…he will F up and you will be the one looking stupid because he did not put 100% into you. I may tell my other guys I am seeing someone…but will I cut them off. Nope. They can be friends and also my “break in case of emergency man”. Hey men do it all the time…why shouldn’t we?
Foots I should have stayed by my dayum self until I was sure I was over my past story of my life…but folks think I am nuts for WANTING to be alone.
Melo She needs to keep herself nice,trim and sexxy,the way i found her in the 1st place that goes for you too right? You are not one of those trife guys who say the woman should stay sexy…but meanwhile you start looking like you are 10 months pregnant and your hairline looks like the waves that crashed upon the shore that are now retreating back to the ocean? Now, you do not look like this from what I saw…however would you take action to prevent this from happenieng? Or do you think your wife is supposed to accept you as you are?
Slim you know how double standards these dudes are. They think its ok for them to sleep with anything born female with a pulse to satisfy their carnal desires. But the female who does it is a h0. Well is she’s a h0…he’s a h0! Plain and simple! Hello pot…this is kettle!
By kimmie
July 1, 2008 11:18 AM | Link to this
Good Morning Blog Fam - Hope all is well with everyone - so looking forward to this 3-day weekend!
On Topic - I guess the whole notion of getting rid of the LBB is kind of symbolic - are you willing to forsake others because you feel you’ve met the one for you. Me personally, my “LBB” consists mostly of numbers for family, current and old friends and a few past boyfriends. I’m not holding on to the numbers of the men, it’s just an old book and I don’t go in and mark numbers & names out. There is one that is sort of a family friend as well as an ex-boyfriend, so I called him when my father died & he was close to one of my aunts that died. Other than that, it’s no big deal - the numbers probably don’t even work anymore or they are married. Not going back for any sex, so don’t see the big deal.
By AmazonRed
July 1, 2008 11:19 AM | Link to this
but I did not send out a email blast or txt msg saying I’m off the market.
Bre - Aren’t those “I’m off the market” emails and texts the saddest thing ever?
By Blue Kolla
July 1, 2008 11:20 AM | Link to this
Oh hell naah!!! LMAO For Real Dude you got my eyes watering and the back of my head hurting! Dayum Joe…
By The Melo
July 1, 2008 11:20 AM | Link to this
I did call a friendly ex to help out IT CAN BE THAT BAD HAH?
By AmazonRed
July 1, 2008 11:21 AM | Link to this
For Real - That goes back to Wise’s “women like attention” statement. We do, it’s flattering. But it doesn’t mean you have to respond to it.
But I can admit it’s an ego boost to see the ex on the get back tip.
By AmazonRed
July 1, 2008 11:26 AM | Link to this
but even if there wasn’t a man in my picture now, I wouldn’t call nan one of em. I didn’t call them when I wasn’t involved. Nothing wrong with them per se, but there was a reason why we moved on.
Word
By Blue Kolla
July 1, 2008 11:32 AM | Link to this
Staceye Hey men do it all the time…why shouldn’t we?
Now that I cain’t stand. I’ma run it to you like my Pops ran it to me, and how I run it to my kid - fugg what e’rybody else do. Whatever you do, good or bad, do it because that’s what you thought on and decided was a good move, not because somebody/e’rybody else is doing it. Be your own man (WO-man in your case Staceye).
By abc
July 1, 2008 11:38 AM | Link to this
I agree with Truth. “Everyone should do what they think is right.”
By Blue Kolla
July 1, 2008 11:39 AM | Link to this
Foots/Red for Cosignin’ but even if there wasn’t a man in my picture now, I wouldn’t call nan one of em. I didn’t call them when I wasn’t involved. Nothing wrong with them per se, but there was a reason why we moved on
If dude had given you the woo woo whoo you’d be callin’ him. Can I get a female witness?
By For Real
July 1, 2008 11:41 AM | Link to this
As the Black Book turns cont…
Dude: Baby where you at?
Chick: I’m in the kitchen!
Dude: What you… Hey WTF!!!
Chick: I’m buring your Black Book since we don’t need it anymore.
Dude: Awwwww ish! Byt.. Baby you gonna burn down the house.
Chick: Sugga Butt stop before you burn yo-self.
Dude: Dayummmmm!!!!! Why the hell you do that??? (phone rings) Awwww Dayummmm!!!! Baby let me get that it’s Truth again. Hey maine I told you I would call you back.
Truth: I couldn’t wait. I need my Black Book to call this chick I want to bust.
Dude: Ummmm, ummmmm we finto go I’ll bring it by your spot tonight.
Truth: Naw mf I’m in your driveway bring me my book.
Dude: (walking to the car) What up Truthhhhhh my diggy dawg!!!
Truth: What fugg is wrong with and where is my book?
Dude: See what had happened… and then she asked for my book… and then she burned yo book..
Truth: WTF!!! Why you let dat bytch burn my book?
Dude: I was able to save a number tho.
Truth: Who’s number is it?
Dude: Hold on it say 2,2… I can hardly make it out…. 2E’s
By QC
July 1, 2008 11:41 AM | Link to this
LMAO @ ForReal…
Hey Staceye, kinderB, ARed, Beautiful
By Foots
July 1, 2008 11:42 AM | Link to this
melo It did at that time. We had dated a year, broke up, we had been in touch again for three months before I asked him to visit. He never wanted to break up in the first place, so he was waiting for that call. But that was nearly 2 years before I received the best gift from my then-boyfriend, now ex, the Silver Bullet. I’ll never forget that dude for many reasons, that being one of them. Talk about something that can get you through some dry spells…
By SexyLeggs
July 1, 2008 11:42 AM | Link to this
BK, too funny. Yes, I did. I skipped it and then went back to it.
By Foots
July 1, 2008 11:44 AM | Link to this
Blue If dude had given you the woo woo whoo you’d be callin’ him. Can I get a female witness?
I can’t cosign on that. Like I said earlier, I thought about calling ol’ dude woo woo whoo, but it wasn’t worth it to me. And that was a few years ago, and I haven’t blinked since. I ain’t never sacrificed good sense for good D.
By AmazonRed
July 1, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this
If dude had given you the woo woo whoo you’d be callin’ him. Can I get a female witness?
Damn near all of my gave me the woo woo. Not every female is d*ck whipped. There is plenty of just as good stuff out there to replace it with. LOL
Good morning QC. Thanks for the shout.
By The Truth
July 1, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this
Das don’t take all this personally. The game has morphed into something unrecognizable. Btw, I’m not cynical, I just see clearly. Listen, nobodies living up to the standards that were originally established. Your not a virgin and my family isn’t giving away 2 goats for ya. The thing is most cats are in a position where they can overpay for some used up azz by marrying it and watch it try to morph back into a virgin or just lay with it while its warm and then move on. Since azz was the goal in the first place option B is winning out as most women in here have noticed.
Now, when I say used up azz I don’t mean phsically because puddy can take a licking and beating and come back for more. The used up I speak of is the emotional/mental damage that goes along with getting ran up in like a bank on Metropiltan. The greatest trick played on women in the last 40 years is having them think that they can go out and free fugg and it doesn’t affect them, because men can. Very few can do that. Next they’ll be trying to raise men on their own. Oops, to late.
For Real lmao
lady Kung fu/formerly a chick named Kimmie how is class coming? You breaking bricks yet or is that next week? Keep us informed on your progress. What style did you say you studied again?
New Laws: It’s cool to carry your guns in public places now. I’m toting mine eveywhere from here on. It’s about to be on and popping. LOL
By kimmie
July 1, 2008 11:48 AM | Link to this
The way I look at it, with my exes it is OVA! We’ve all kept it moving and gone on with our lives. I had a call from a dude I have not talked to in over 2 years come up on my caller id Saturday at 1am. I made it clear it was over and he knows me and knows da— well not to be calling me at that time of night for anything - I didn’t allow that when we dated because there was no need. He would already be at my house at that time, so no need for booty-call treatment! So if he has regrets he’ll need to deal with them on his own. If he’s getting married, no need to tell me - I’m happy for him. Don’t wish bad for him, just don’t wish at all for him!
Right now, if I decide to get married, no need to let all the exes know - we’ve all moved on. They’ll hear about it thru the grapevine, the same way I heard about them! If someone feels the need to “notify” certain people, that tells me they never “let go” in the first place. JMO though!
By BennyB
July 1, 2008 11:51 AM | Link to this
SexyLeggs, the post was something to challenges readers to get over cultural programming and ask themselves why they should marry in the first place. People need to ask themselves if marriage is what they really want or it is just what mom says that you should want….
Listening to Bennie is like listening to a Jehovah’s Witness, there’s probably going to be some truth, but its gon’ be a minute
Well Blue, what’s wrong with that? It’s the difference that makes the difference.
By Blue Kolla
July 1, 2008 11:51 AM | Link to this
LMAO @ For Real Man I’m gone. See…? Fuggin w’cho azz, my eyes are going to be red and them clowns at Five Points are gon’ be asking me if I need some green.
By ATL Guy
July 1, 2008 11:58 AM | Link to this
This is Off Subject … but was my crazy Friday Night, have you all been in a similar situation…??
So a friend of mine gave me her g/f’s number and said you have to go out with this girl…she’s moved here from California and you would hit it off. I take her up on the offer, my first blind date EVER, so just going out to have fun, no big deal. Meet up in the Highlands and we have sushi, girl is great, attractive, we talked non-stop for 5 hours at each spot, things were going totally great (I always hear horror stories about BlindDates)
So got to drop her off at her car … she had her car window smashed, got broken into! They didn’t take much, but damn. What a terrible way to end a perfect blind-date. Its like, when its going too well, something ALWAYS happens.
By Kym aka Lady Sage
July 1, 2008 11:58 AM | Link to this
Good Morning/Afternoon All,
hmmmm I don’t have a black book but I have guy friends that I can count on to give me solid advice and opinions(a few I have had relations with.) I can’t say all communication will die..but it will be limited and not as personal when it comes to advice on dealing with the SO.
back to lurking..and counting down the days until the weekend.
By AmazonRed
July 1, 2008 12:00 PM | Link to this
The greatest trick played on women in the last 40 years is having them think that they can go out and free fugg and it doesn’t affect them, because men can. Very few can do that.
Truth - I don’t disagree with this, even though it doesn’t “sound” pretty.
By Beautiful
July 1, 2008 12:01 PM | Link to this
mood today: sleepy.
thanks for real for your 11:11!
By Blue Kolla
July 1, 2008 12:04 PM | Link to this
Foots I ain’t never sacrificed good sense for good D.
Seeing as you keeps it real (a little too real sometimes LOL) I’m gon’ give you the benefit of the doubt; so I’m going to guess and say that, that would effectively place you into the very small pool of 12 percent of the female population that’s experienced the act of coitus.
But then again, can you