Misadventures in Atlanta

By QC

July 16, 2008 8:22 AM | Link to this

Morning Bloggers Have a great day!

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 8:31 AM | Link to this

Please remember the reason(s) why you left when all of those feelings come rushing back. That will knock some sense back into you. You might think taking him back will be a good idea, but after a couple of weeks you’ll be reminded on why you left his triflin’ a$$.

By Raqi

July 16, 2008 8:36 AM | Link to this

I too believe the more in love the harder to forget and walk away. My hardest permanent breakup was with my son’s father. And for many reasons. I feel hard for him and he became my introduction into a whole other world. I did love him a lot. Some days I had to keep reminding myself of why we parted ways. And for that reason I knew I couldn’t be with him again. I would never trust him.

Literally we were now connected forever. But emotionally I learned to let go. I know people would say ‘He lied to you. That shouldn’t have been hard to do.’ But the thing is some days I remembered all the good that he did over the bad. And it didn’t help that he came around a lot apologizing, trying to convince me he meant well.

In the end I stood on the fact that if he did what he did to be with me, he is capable of doing it again against me.

I broke up with my marido a couple of times but one of us always managed to win the other back before the “coldness” set in.

By Dan

July 16, 2008 8:44 AM | Link to this

While I can only speak for self,

I think with most guys, once that cut is there, it’s done. Now we may backtrack becuase of a certain skillset, but on the whole the relationship is over.

But quietly, guys think about the breakup too. But it’s more like an autopsy, a clinical and antiseptic divested look at what happened.

It may be months or years later and depending on the reason for the breakup, he would think about coming back unless there’s a drought or a string of sex with horrible women. (ex. if you messed around on him, generally no comeback thoughts, if he messed around on you he may only then realize what was done)

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 8:45 AM | Link to this

Raqi

Do you feel that since you have his son, that’s why you will always love him or loved him a lot or considered giving him another chance? It’s always easier to let go and move on if there’s no ties (children).

By LoveHurts

July 16, 2008 8:47 AM | Link to this

I spent 4 months going back and forth with a man that was not a good fit for me. We had dated on and off for 5 years (more off than on) and I finally gave him my heart somewhere in the 4th year. Much to my dissappointment we were just not for each other but that did not change the fact that I had allowed myself to love him and let him into a place in my heart and my life where no one had been for a very long time. After we grappled with breaking up for 4 months I finally made a list of “pros” and “cons”. I made the list based on only facts, not emotions and unfortunately the “con” list was 10 times as long as the “pro” list. So, everytime I got week and wanted to call him, or everytime my heart hurt so bad that I thought I could not breathe I would take out the list and read it. I had to remind myself constantly of what went wrong and why we ended up apart. I am still struggling with the break up and in a great deal of pain, but rest assured that I will not back slide back to him, he has nothing to offer me.

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 8:50 AM | Link to this

Dan

Why is it that men move on faster? Why is it that men jump into the next relationship so quickly (within a month sometimes)?

Lady Bloggers

Why do we mourn so long?

By MARTA

July 16, 2008 8:57 AM | Link to this

Guys are like buses, another one will come along in 10 minutes.

By Raqi

July 16, 2008 8:57 AM | Link to this

Lady Lurker, yes having his son was a big part of the reason. And the fact that I had never loved a man like him or had a man do the things for me that he did made it that much harder.

By Dan

July 16, 2008 8:58 AM | Link to this

Again, from self

It’s just easier, for women sex is tied to emotions, after that first breakup (in a relationship you where you were having sex with the girl) men begin to think differently about a lot of things, and mainly sex.

To us, on a lot of levels it’s just and act, a function to be performed. And after a breakup your ego want more and more of that function performed with different (and better looking) women. Thats what sport fugging is.

I can almost bet that every “dog” any woman has ever met had his heart broken first.

And it takes a long time to get over that. We still have the pain, we just mask it and pass it along through to the next dozen or so women.

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 8:58 AM | Link to this

LoveHurts

My heart has been hurting for six years now. I wish I could say something to help you. The Truth do you have any advice on moving on?

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 9:00 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone.

Here is another way optimism comes in: You aren’t afraid of the future. I haven’t felt the need to play the continuous “make up game” because I fear wasting time with someone who has already hurt me, will prevent or delay me from finding the one that I’m meant to be with.

Don’t get me wrong, breaking up SUCKS. And break ups take me a while to get over. However, it doesn’t stop me from moving forward.

Very early in my dating life, a guy who seemed to be really in to me quit me cold turkey after I suggested we end it. I thought we agreed to be friends! lol After I had done all the calling and “stopping by” and wanting “get back” I was the one looking silly in the end. It was an experience that really changed my focus and one that I am actually grateful for.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 9:06 AM | Link to this

Love Hurts/Lady Lurker - That is a long time to hold a torch for someone who you know is wrong for you and you can’t be with. Doesn’t it feel like a weight holding you down?

I believe in the power of the mind (yes, California hippie stuff, lol). You’ve gotta make a conscious decision to let the pain go. You have to believe that holding onto the baggage is preventing you from moving forward.

I read “It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken” awhile back and it gives really practical advice. It wasn’t hard for me to follow the action plan, because it is stuff I firmly believe in doing anyway. However, it’s something I would definitely recommend to those who just can’t seem to get over that last hurdle. Good luck to you guys!

By QC

July 16, 2008 9:08 AM | Link to this

Good question LadyLurker….why do we mourn so long? We put so much into relationships that we really want to work…when somewhere deep down inside we know it never will…but in the mean time, we’re enjoying the benefits that come with the “broken heart” we’ll have eventually have later on down the road..

We both confessed our love for each other, but honestly…what really happened? Yes “love hurts & love is blind

By LoveHurts

July 16, 2008 9:10 AM | Link to this

LadyLurker Thanks for your concern. I have been divorced for 8 years and either my memory is off or I could swear that I did not endure this much pain when I left my husband, of which we had one child.

I really love this man but the cold reality hurts that we just are not right for each other. There is nothing I can do to change the facts.

Dan you are so right about how men are able to move on faster than women. Men move on to sexual relationships, not necessarily love. Women can’t move onto to sex until we feel whole again. I could not imagine having sex right now. I tried once and broke down into tears before anything could happen - how embarrasing!!!

By melo

July 16, 2008 9:13 AM | Link to this

Guys are like buses, another one will come along in 10 minutes. hey marta, which strip club do u work at?

By SlimOne

July 16, 2008 9:14 AM | Link to this

Lady Lurker Why do we mourn so long? Why is it that men move on faster?

Lady, I think much is attributed to the fact of women being more emotionally based than men. Women are nesters by nature so there is a lot more to have established some form of nesting with an individual for a period of time, to then have to destroy that nest or leave that nest so-to-speak. Men are more of the hunters/providers so they cannot (metaphorically) waste too much time on what happened to his nest…cuz he still gotta eat. I guess its like that song Pappa was a Rolling Stone…wherever he laid his hat was his home. Women aren’t wired to be that way. So we will weigh out a lot more things before we just up and cut things off, FOR THE MOST PART (staceye lol) Also, men do feel the brunt of breakups but that doesnt mean they are sitting at home watching movies, crying and eating ice cream. They can go out that same night and sleep with some unexpecting female and try to bang her brains out the back of her neck, all for the sake of keeping their minds occupied. JMO tho.

By anonymousella

July 16, 2008 9:17 AM | Link to this

i don’t have anyone i would take back. i wished for it with my last ex in the weeks immediately after our breakup. i didn’t beg. but i did ask him. he said “i’m not trying to date anyone right now.”

apparently two months was enough time for him to change his mind. so now, i just hope he catches a bad case of herpes.

By LoveHurts

July 16, 2008 9:17 AM | Link to this

Amazon Red My break up has only been for 2 months now. We went back and forth for 4 months prior but my hurt is only about 2 months old. Trust me, if I could let go of it right now I would but everything seems to remind me of us. I am trying to get past it. I have beefed up my workouts, I am reading a lot more and spending quality time with my family and friends. I pray I will only be feeling this way a little longer and I can move on.

Ironically enough, my daughter read that book and trusted to give me advice from it. She is only 13 so I dismissed it, I guess I should double back and read it for myself….smile

By Wise Diva

July 16, 2008 9:19 AM | Link to this

Good morning Misadventurers!

The melo, why does she have to work at a strip club? LOL Geez, you are starting already aren’t you!

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 9:23 AM | Link to this

Morning All! Great topic, cant wait to see some of the responses.

Raqi Literally we were now connected forever. But emotionally I learned to let go. That is a hard thing to do but definitely necessary. I know when ex-hubby and I split, that was hard for me.

I have never been one for second chances, the way I see it, if we split then its done. No need to keep opening an old wound. With my ex it was hard but mainly b/c of my son. I wanted my child to have a two parent household like the one I grew up in, but I wasnt willing to do it by any means necessary. What I mean is, what good what a two parent household have been if there was obvious tension/lack of a relationship b/w ex & I. My child deserved better and in the end so did I and ex-hubby.

okay, who is bringing breakfast today? I’m starving

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 9:25 AM | Link to this

so now, i just hope he catches a bad case of herpes.

ella - Wow! LOL. I guess you aren’t quite over him yet. LOL. That’s cold!

Love Hurts - Yeah, you just need time. You’re doing all the right things, I would think. Make sure you prime your mind to really believe God is preparing you for something better. Keep praying! (and yeah, I’d read that book, at the very least, it will give you a chuckle)

By QC

July 16, 2008 9:25 AM | Link to this

Good post Slim1 and sooo true..

By Just Wondering

July 16, 2008 9:26 AM | Link to this

Umm. Excuse me AmazonRed but aren’t you dating someone you previously had a relationship with?

By Alvin

July 16, 2008 9:27 AM | Link to this

Yo, Mary J and Big Boi’s new single sounds nice.

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 9:33 AM | Link to this

Morning everyone!

…right, “Don’t Make Me Over” <—- I like that.

I was never one to revisit “lost love” to try it again and tell myself that the mend is or can be as good as new. What is lost is lost, and I would rather remember it as it was during the best times than try and restore it and revisit the place where I was betrayed. My heart has to be free and it should be earned.

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 9:33 AM | Link to this

SlimOne

I think you hit it right on! I would like to ask another question. Could it possibly be science? Is there a hormone that women are born with that makes us so emotional? Can this be removed? J/K.

ABC I need you today. Wake up!

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 9:39 AM | Link to this

AmazonRed

Even though I’m still hurting, I have moved on. Is this possible though? It is possible to have a new life with another man you are happy with and still miss your ex and feel the hurt?

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 9:40 AM | Link to this

Slim my thoughts are towards you today. Are you feeling better? read your dream yesturday and my thoughts have been heavy.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 9:41 AM | Link to this

Umm. Excuse me AmazonRed but aren’t you dating someone you previously had a relationship with?

Yup.

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 9:46 AM | Link to this

Just Being Nosey

That does happen you know. Goodness.

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 9:50 AM | Link to this

I heard a lot about being hypnotized. Do you bloggers think it’ll work? Has anyone tried this?

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 9:52 AM | Link to this

It is possible to have a new life with another man you are happy with and still miss your ex and feel the hurt?

Lady Lurker - I’m still a relative babe in this love game. I’ve been hurt, but I have yet to be devestated to my core. I think Raqi, would be a good person to ask. It seems like she’s had some really awesome loves and has found true happiness as well.

By ATLWorldwide

July 16, 2008 9:53 AM | Link to this

I agree with the above poster. The best way to do it is to create a list of pros and cons. If the breakup was necessary, the con list will always outweigh the pro list.

This also helps me because I have a horrible memory and will forget why I left the situation.
The list is valuable when you run into dude again and he tries to slip back into your life. If you have a close friend or family member you can share the list with, that is helpful too because they can remind you why you need to stay away from that person if you have a weak moment.

By SlimOne

July 16, 2008 9:53 AM | Link to this

QC Thanks!…at first i was wondering if anyone would get the sense in what i wrote even though it made sense in my head. lol

LadyL I’m not sure you’d want to live a life w/o emotion. Even though it will help you to not feel the hurt and pain now, you wouldn’t be able to feel the joy and excitement of the next guy that might be for you. I’ve done the back and forth thing with an ex for about 9 years off and on. Every time we went into an “OFF” period was hard regardless of what the reasons were.

By Foots aka Giraffe

July 16, 2008 9:56 AM | Link to this

How do you handle breakups when the other person is asking for a second chance?

Whoo boy!! I’m actually still deleting emails from a breakup over 15 months ago. The dude knows that he made a mistake in breaking up with me and really wanted me to give him another chance. For the first few months after the breakup, I entertained the phone calls, thinking it would help him through it, but it made it worse. So when I stopped answering the phone, he moved to email. I feel really bad for him, but oh well…. When he broke it off, I asked him twice if he was sure and he said yes. In conversations after the breakup, I gently reminded him that he said he was sure, so he needs to stay sure.

In my worst breakup, I grieved for a long time, but he never knew. I had loved him for years, way before our actual relationship and it was the all-encompassing type of love. He meant the world to me. But once he told me it was over, it was over. I grieved privately and with my girlfriends. I never once picked up the phone to call him. I knew that it was for the best, I knew that he wasn’t the last man on Earth, and I knew that I would be happy again eventually as long as the sun kept rising everyday. That was enough to keep me moving.

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 10:02 AM | Link to this

you wouldn’t be able to feel the joy and excitement of the next guy that might be for you.

BRAVO!

By LilZ

July 16, 2008 10:04 AM | Link to this

Nice job, Blanca! You actually came up with a topic that got all these blog dorks to think - instead of talking about fake breakfast and loser drama all morning! Congratulations!!!

By Wise Diva

July 16, 2008 10:08 AM | Link to this

welcome Atlworldwide, Lady Lurker! very helpful comments from you, keep it coming, please!

By SlimOne

July 16, 2008 10:08 AM | Link to this

Cee Yeah I’m cool today. But what’s disturbing is i had yet another dream about death last night. I can’t really make out all that happened because it was all over the place but i do remember having a vigil or something for the guy that past. And towards the end i was talking to my mom about it and the guys father had come over to us and we were looking at some pictures taken before the dude died. So his dad was like, well maybe we can get a clue to what happened from the pictures. So the picture I saw was sort of like a dark picture of my sister but beside her head was a misty cloud next to her face that resembled the guy Then I woke up. Now i think i know why the picture was in my dream—> yesterday my sister texted me a picture of her sonogram.

By mytwocents

July 16, 2008 10:12 AM | Link to this

The time I allowed myself to be strung along it was because of the huge Investment (time, energy, emotions.) And since it was LD it took that much more for me- cuz I was putting in most if not all of the effort- to sustain sumthin that was never really defined. Over the years when I tried to pull away I’d get sucked back in w/ he couldn’t turn to anybody else & what a wonderful mother I’d be BS. I had to stop toying with my own emotions.

Lady L I think the amount of time we mourn is in direct correlation to how invested we felt while their mourning directly relates to how quickly they wanna purge her from their system so they don’t relapse. Many women would feel kinda “dirty” for bed hoppin right after but lots of men would feel “cleansed”.

Melo Leave MARTA alone. That’s why your tip $$ went to groceries.

By Wise Diva

July 16, 2008 10:13 AM | Link to this

LOL @ Lilz, blog dorks?! ouch!

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 10:15 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone. Very interesting topic. There must be something wrong w/my heart. I cried for abt 10 mins. in my car after my divorce was final and haven’t looked back since. Yes, he wants to come back, but my heart is hardened toward him on many levels. LoveHurts, you did the right thing by making that list. When emotions/lust get in the way it is imperative that one remember why they are now exs. Raqi, I am tied to my ex due to lil leggs, but that’s where it stops. I have no emotional attachment to him.

**How do you breakups handle breakups when the other person is asking for a second chance? As been dictated to me here on more than one occasion, you simply ignore those requests. A mental “cease and desist” order must be filed immediately with self to help transition of the other side of “PEACE.”

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 10:16 AM | Link to this

knew that it was for the best, I knew that he wasn’t the last man on Earth, and I knew that I would be happy again eventually as long as the sun kept rising everyday.

Foots i see you’re saying that giving yourself time to grieve or purge helped you. as you freed yourself the better love you found.

LilZ hi. It’s Wise today. so cute…Join in. Here have a breakfast sandwich.

By For Real

July 16, 2008 10:20 AM | Link to this

LadyLuker I need you to clear your mind and stare into the eye of the Dolphin. Now relax and keep staring at the eye of the Dolphin. You are getting sleepy, sleepy, keep staring at the eye of the Dolphin. I’m just removing your blouse to make you more comfortable. Keep you staring at the eye of the Dolphin.

By Alvin

July 16, 2008 10:23 AM | Link to this

Guys/women are like buses, another one will come along in 10 minutes.

WD, mainly folks who are h0e’n use that line…A h0e is a h0e regardless of how they try to clean their words up.

LoveHurts you love your ex husband, but not in love with him…you knew he wasn’t for you when you married his sorry a$$…LOL

Dan do you notice how hard most women love you, when you are a no good dude? LOL

Become a stand up dude…And watch how much hell most of these women throw at you.

By The Truth

July 16, 2008 10:24 AM | Link to this

Good morning folks. Isn’t this weather the best?

Lady Lurker when I got divorced it was the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to me. It was also the first time I had ever experienced large term failure so in addition to the hurt my ego was bruised. I couldn’t believe something I created wasn’t going to work out. With that being said it was THE greatest thing that ever happened to me. I say that because I set a standard and enforced it. It hurt but had to be done and for that I felt great.

Short brief: It’s St Patties day 1990 and me and wify were going to Savannah to wild out. When we wake it’s raining so I askd her if she wanted to go. She looked at me with those dead eyes women can get and I got out of bed, put a suitcase on the bed and put her out that moment. Now we had been having a few problems before that but she was becoming the source of my unhappiness and that isn’t going to fly. The greatest moment came about 4 weeks later because she would call and keep contact and that prevented from me from healing. So one night she calls and I tell her not to call anymore, ever. That allowed me to begin the healing process. We didn’t speak again for 7 years. As soon as we stopped talking I started healing but I remember thinking that even though this thing hurt it wasn’t something I couldn’t handle. I just took it one day at a time. I went back to old hobbies (Keith Vitali Karate, shooting pool, etc) and rebuilt my life without her.

The sad thing is 18 years later and she still hasn’t got over it. She’s married with children and I slept with her for 5 years. She never buried it. I tell her marrying you was the best thing that ever happened and divorcing you was too.

My story isn’t that short but the point is you have to KNOW it’s going to hurt but also that you can get over it. You have to know in your heart that better things are ahead.

I tell chicks now I left my mom who breastfed me when I couldn’t see and my soulmate, leaving you is easy.

Anyway, that’s how I dealt with it. But don’t think it didn’t hurt. It hurt like hell but it also matured me emotionally. I’m no longer afraid of the pain of breaking up. I’m more afraid of the unhappiness that I let someone bring into my life.

Sorry for the long post early in the morning. Please forward my ticket to wisediva@ajc.com and she’ll get a check to you soon.

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 10:27 AM | Link to this

Slim i’m reading again and all that i can say is take it up with a prayer that will help your subconsious/dream. It is not good for you to rise up early to stay up late to eat the bread of sorrow for so HE giveth his beloved sleep. To you. Give God in your thoughts of these dreams. I’ve been there before and I was up texting my prayer partner 3am in the morning.

Congratulations to sister’s new baby and to Auntie!

By Raqi

July 16, 2008 10:27 AM | Link to this

AmazonR and LadyL Hell naw. I don’t miss that azzhole. I have new TRUE love now. And I was pretty over him before my relationship now.

By For Real

July 16, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this

2pennies: This is it Black Cake I want out of this relationship.

Black Cake: Awwww don’t say that 2pennies. What will I do without you?

2pennies: That’s not working this time. I am over you!

Black Cake: Baby please, baby please, baby, baby….

2pennies: No Black Cake!

Black Cake: Can you do me a favor before you leave me?

2pennies: What?

Black Cake: Can you taste Black Cake once more for the good time?

2pennies: Ohhhhh Black Cake. mmmmmmmmmmmmm

Black Cake now looking into the camera smiles and winks.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 10:30 AM | Link to this

Great blog day today thus far. Thanks everyone for being so open.

Truth - Great post. I expected nothing less. (and am shaking my fist at you for kicking the ex out in Savannah.)

By Wildebeast

July 16, 2008 10:32 AM | Link to this

iguna awwwwww…that’s so sweet of you to fix LilZ a breakfast sandwich…I will make her some coffee with extra cream..Now moving loin cloth to the side.

By Deeva4Life

July 16, 2008 10:32 AM | Link to this

I had to stop toying with my own emotions. Mytwocents I strongly agree with this statement. At some point you have to assess the situation and realize that you are perpetuating your own bondage. Breaking up is hard to do…especially when you really love someone and you want it to work but once the healing process is over the freedom you feel is priceless.

I too did the pros and cons list with an ex. And like others have stated, the cons were much longer than the pros. In the end I had to ask myself, was I really in love with the person or in love with an idea? I mean, he’s a good guy…great father…but he wasn’t the one for me…yet I held on (back and forth) for two years. Ultimately, I made the decision to let go…and the freedom that came after the mourning was so refreshing. Nonetheless, I had to own up to the fact that I was the one keeping myself there…he wasn’t.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 10:34 AM | Link to this

LOL @ Raqi, I believe you talked about a guy who passed away. I thought he was a true love. I somehow thought you’ve found true love more than once. Sorry if I got things mixed up.

By mytwocents

July 16, 2008 10:36 AM | Link to this

ATLWW PLEASE DO NOT give me your list!!! Then I become the scapegoat or as it’s coded in the gentlemen’s vernacular— the hatin azz girlfriend. Never was I so livid than the time I was in the car w/ homegirl & verbmentphysically abusive boyfriend calls to make up and she’s eating all up n goes “Yeah, cuz .02 the one who said you needed a job…” I was so done! I woulda never known the fool was unemployed had u not told me and agreed w/ you. Lesson Learned.

Slim I always heard dreaming of Death meant someone is preggers. And sis is….

Cee What did Lily name her baby? Whatever won the office pool?

By catch231

July 16, 2008 10:37 AM | Link to this

I had the “best” breakup line from a girl that I loved dearly and still do after 10 years. She was so special to me and I still have dreams of her, but I know its over I just can’t help the way I feel. I just let her in too deep and she’ll always be there. I am not going to reveal the breakup up line that she use as it was so good that all the civilized world as we know it would be thrown into a great upheaval

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 10:38 AM | Link to this

My Ex we’re still on good terms, but when we catch up over coffee or something…she starts to act like we are together again. Those feelings haven’t left. She’s still emotionally tied and when we hang out its like we’re dating once again. She came out to my Birthday Celebration at Shout and Whiskey Park in Midtown off 14th street. We were partying and I was dancing with girls etc. She had every guy buying her drinks but kept saying “I’m here for my ex’s birthday, thanks for the drink” She’s a stand-up chick. But, she really cares and I hate to hurt her. I don’t want to lose her in my life but I don’t want to hurt her either when I’m out with other girls. So I don’t know

By KP (http://chatkafe.blogspot.com)

July 16, 2008 10:38 AM | Link to this

Good morning bloggers! Great topic today. I’ll be lurking until I feel like jumping into the ruckus.

I have chicken and waffles for everyone this morning! Enjoy.

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 10:43 AM | Link to this

awwwwww…that’s so sweet of you to fix LilZ a breakfast sandwich*

Wilderbeast…it’s better to invite one that likes to read the posts/forum than to get all caught up in their attempt to be patronizing.

At some point you have to assess the situation and realize that you are perpetuating your own bondage.

Deeva4Life i’m either good at running the ‘wrong one’ off or a master at moving on by any means. My earnest prayer/goal is to keep a good heart. Bitterness going back to betrayal terrifies me. I let lost love gooooo. btw good post

By Dan

July 16, 2008 10:45 AM | Link to this

@Alvin

I have yet to figure that one out, several theories, but just too tired to test them.

I don’t know what that attraction was, but I couldn’t shake loose a couple of girls when I dogging ‘em.

But in trying to be better, you’re right, they give you tons of hell and becuase you’re trying to condition yourself to care, it’s a bit more painful. But here’s the thing, I’m trying to make amends for my own past and I think about how those women treated the genuinely “good men” that they met after me, and so I can’t be too upset at how these ladies try me now.

Two things keep me at it: 1)my sense that in some way this is my penance for my own wrongs; and 2) I’m a man and my back is strong enough to handle it.

(But I still don’t let it go too far, ya dig?)

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 10:51 AM | Link to this

mytwo they are naming their daughter Audrey.

By SlimOne

July 16, 2008 10:52 AM | Link to this

My2 Well I’ve known my sis has been preggers since June. The ultrasound yesterday verified that she’s not having twins, thank God. And then my mom called me Monday saying she had a dream about fish which normally equals pregnancy. So she thinks its someone else. My friends mother said death meant Wedding or something. If i have another crazy dream tonight, I’ll have an exorcism conducted. lol

A guy friend of mine told me about his big breakup..yeah he knew he was the one who flucked it up. However, he told me what she said that put it into perspective for him that he remembers to this day. Ole girl told him, I will no longer compromise my happiness for you or your feelings. He said it just hit home for him and he knew he had to let her be.

By For Real

July 16, 2008 10:53 AM | Link to this

The difference between men and women is how we each deal with emotional pain. Men are taught to deal with emotional pain at very early age. The “jonning”, “jonesing”, “dozen”, sports, and so on. Most women never go thru this type of hazing. I say most bc Mo sounds like she grew up around a lot men that didn’t hold back on her. Sports teaches men how to analyze “is you hurt or injured” hurt mean process it and keep playing/moving. Injured means sit down until it heals but never give up on your goals and know that you will comeback. Women like the feeling of being a victim. Ared before you start fixing sandwiches let me finish. Language of a victim: I put all my time, I gave my all, I loved him with everything, I put in more effort…. Now lets look at the benefit women get for being a victim. Family and friends spend more time with you. They feed victim’s delusion that they didn’t do anything wrong in the relationship and most important of all IT AIN’T YOUR FAULT AND GOD HAS SOMETHING BETTER FOR YOU By being the victim, your family and friends feel obligated fill the time and space that your SO has left. So that’s why it takes women longer to get over it. YOu simply don’t want to and you love the attention you get from family and friends. Now compare that to the exta attention men get from their family and friends. Man you still whinning about that bytch. Here drank this and get you some new puddy. The attention he gets from family. Boy I hope you ain’t planning on sleeping on my sofa, eating my food, and using my electwisity all night. Now move out my chair and take your wiped azz home. That must be yo mama side come out of you. Slim I told you breasted feed that boy for too long.

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 10:53 AM | Link to this

I was thinking of this last night. I know of this mom who has been divorced for 2 years now. She always speaks of her ex in present terms…”my husband and I support this”, “or did that.” I’d look at her so innoncently saying to myself “poor thing” she hasn’t moved on yet! Why is some woman say “husband” when they’re not married anymore?

By melo

July 16, 2008 10:55 AM | Link to this

I tell chicks now I left my mom who breastfed me when I couldn’t see and my soulmate i didnt get that Truth..whats up with ur Mom can u elaborate? That’s why your tip $$ went to groceries that hurt,i thoght i was sleek,she beat me to it,i guess she more responsible than u knw who.Cant do without her tho,4 now lol.But if we break up, i dnt think i will miss her coz ive always wanted to stray anyway, i wl be u typical rolling stne,1 day i sleep in decatur,the next in lithonia,dunwoody and so on……….i will miss the kids,i cant have custody coz that messes up my plans… I never pined over a relationship thats broken.Maybe with kids that cld make sense.A man can always take the pain onto the other next girl.If money is involved,and u lose some to a wife,then that proly makes sense….i think i now understand why most divorcing US men eliminate the competetion…..!!!i aint kidding about this,its routed in capitalism and this economy is about survival of the fittest!!

By abc

July 16, 2008 10:56 AM | Link to this

In the past, when I’ve moved on it’s because I’ve known for sure that’s what I wanted to do, and so I didn’t have 2nd thoughts. A bit of remorse maybe, but not 2nd thoughts. I think a lot of people will base such actions on whether they got particularly angry or upset about isolated incidents, or groups of incidents, and decide based on their anger that they’re tired of dealing with whatever it is — but that’s different from knowing it’s time to move on. The anger will subside, and there you are.

That’s the way it’s happened to me. They get quite angry over and over and over, and decide that they’ve had enough in the midst of an angry fit. Meanwhile, I grow weary of dealing with their anger, and decide I’m through. Their anger subsides and they have 2nd thoughts, but by the time that happens, I’m already done,

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 10:58 AM | Link to this

Amazon why are you being so Quiet????!?!?!?!!?!?

By Dan

July 16, 2008 11:04 AM | Link to this

For Real makes some good points.

A male has no one in his life that is going to let him wallow in it for long. Pops, uncles, cousins, ya folk, nunna ‘em is going to care about “how she made me feel” and “the connection that we shared”, you’d be laughed out of the room with that foolishness. They’d tell you (like For Real said) “the best way to get over a woman is to get under the next one.”

And that women as a victim, that is true and “never [her] fault”, “[she] did everything right”, “it’s [his] fault”, “[he’s] a dog” (and the God line was classic)! ^For Real

By Tazzee

July 16, 2008 11:06 AM | Link to this

Great topic Wise Diva it reminds of Eric Benet’s song Where Does the Love Go

“How can people go from the feeling that words can’t describe to a place of not even caring if I’m even alive”

not sure if those are the exact words, but that’s how I sing it, LOL.

For me, it all depends on why we broke up in the first place. Most of the time I’m the one that initiated the break up and it’s because the guy isn’t doing something. If he comes back with some revelation regarding my issue and I’m not with anyone else, I’ll usually grant the guy another chance. But if the issue was major, then there’s no getting back together.

Overall for me, if the feelings are still there a chance is still there. But once I reach the point of no return, it’s a wrap.

By Alvin

July 16, 2008 11:06 AM | Link to this

Dan thanks for the reply, I am just glad I am not the only dude experiencing this…at first I was like, WTF?!

I remember the first girl I met when I was turning from my wicked ways put a gun to my head and said if I hurt her, she would take my life.

I left her condo butt naked and putting on clothes as I went.

Dan I think I met one of your former Bishes, LOL

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 11:09 AM | Link to this

For Real @ your 10:53. I did grow up w a heavy male influence and you arent the first person to ‘recognize’ that. I am very close with my father and brother, best friend is a guy and all of my cousins around my age that I grew up with were boys. So yeah, I played football/basketball with them, wasnt allowed to cry as much but more than anything they taught me how to just deal, without all the ‘extra’ as I call it. I remember once when me and ex-hubby were having a disagreement (we were dating) and I was crying about it. I went to talk to my father who simply said “work it out” and ended the conversation. At the time I was a lil taken aback but after the moment of shock wore off, I did just that. And those influences helped me a lot. Not to say Im not emotional, I am a woman after all but I think my level of emotion doesnt match most women, at least those that I know.

If there can be a such thing, the part that made my divorce ‘easy’ was knowing that it was already over long before we called it quits.

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 11:10 AM | Link to this

well, neva been in love with anyone, but have been the “choice” for many women in my 37 years. still got’em jocking from years gone by. they still calling, driving by, emailing, stalking. it’s par for the course. don’t think i’ll eva settle down for the wife, 2.3 kids, dog, mini-van and picked fence.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:12 AM | Link to this

Ared before you start fixing sandwiches let me finish

LOL For Real, damn good post. You’ve heard me preach about baggage preventing many of us from finding our own happiness. I agree that a lot of women do have a victim’s mentality. It’s hard for us to recover and it’s hard for us to start over.

“God has something better for you.” I so firmly believe this!!!

By Foots aka Giraffe

July 16, 2008 11:13 AM | Link to this

Truth I’m no longer afraid of the pain of breaking up. I’m more afraid of the unhappiness that I let someone bring into my life.

You got that right. My mama told me once that breaking up was like a removing a Band-Aid. It’s going to hurt for sure, but it was my choice whether I wanted it to hurt quickly and all at once (ripping it off=cutting all contact with the guy) or whether I wanted it to hurt slowly and over time (pulling it off bit by bit=maintaining contact with the guy, trying to start over, prolonging the pain). From that point on, I chose to rip. If it’s going to hurt anyway, I’d rather get it all over with so I can move on.

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

reading ova some of the post…i think some of you’ll been entrangled in my web (lol)… with the anomity of the net just don’t know fo sho!!:)

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

Alvin are they working you today homie?? This a straight plantation over here!!

By Dan

July 16, 2008 11:15 AM | Link to this

@Alvin

You may have!

Put a gun to my head… Were you on the first or second floor or higher? Cause for me, that a window worthy offense (whirrrrrrrr….splat!)

By melo

July 16, 2008 11:17 AM | Link to this

DAN,the best way to get over a woman is to get under the next one.” u right about that,and im sure this why women generally have tended to look at themselves as victims coz for a long time,men do bed hope and never seem to care about a “lost” relationship.We do care,but usually we internalize it,but move on quickly.Thats why when i hear about dudes that gas exes or kill exes,im like whats wrong with these azz dudes coz no pudsy is never going to be that good that i have to kill somebody.If i lose my hard earned money,then only may be my ex might have ufos visiting her and making her do stuff…lol

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

July 16, 2008 11:17 AM | Link to this

Lady Lurker Why do we mourn so long? Its because we as women get so emotionally attached that is it harder to let go. A dude can go right out and get laid and all of a sudden her is fine. Meanwhile we go through separation anxiety. Some women are to afraid to start over. But I feel life is full of many new beginnings. And we miss them because we are clinging to what should be the past…so the future never comes to be.

Love Hurts Women can’t move onto to sex until we feel whole again. I could not imagine having sex right now. I tried once and broke down into tears before anything could happen You are rigth on that…I know we joke and say the best way to get OVER one man is to get UNDER another one. But that only causes more problems. I can not get sexual with another guy until I have healed up some. The scar will always be there..but at least its no longer opened. I attempted to have a vacation fling with a guy to get over the hurt of my ex and all I did was find myself getting attched to him though out the trip. Me and the guy still speak and we are cool. But I think back to how I was trying to transfer my feelings from my ex to him just because I was trying to force my healing instead of letting it happen naturally.

Hey Slim! LOL

Wise You know Melo! LOL

Is there a hormone that women are born with that makes us so emotional? Can this be removed? Girl if there was such a thing called an “emotional-ectomy” I would have had it a long time ago! LOL

Lady Luker It is possible to have a new life with another man you are happy with and still miss your ex and feel the hurt I can’t answer that right now. Although my ex and I ended only due to distance…just seeing him a week and a half ago confirmed that I am not over him. A big part of me will always long for him. So that coupled with the jackholes I have dated before and after him makes for a dead in the water shot at being happy with somebody else. Ugh..I have so much to get over! I thikn MY pubes will look like Christmas tinsel before I do! By then…who would want it? LMA0

I make a a pro/con list for every difficult decision…just have never done it for a relationship. Hmmm

Foots I feel you girl. I could never get back with a guy who broke up with me. It’s all good that you admit your mistake. But you made your bed..so lie in it buddy…without me! Pride won’t let me be a fool again!

Sexyleggs You did the opposite of what my friend did when her divorce was final…she took a picture holding the decree with a big cheese grin while doing a thumbs up motion and text it to us all. LOL

Truth Wow..I am about to move over on the couch dude…we need to share a session on the therapists’ couch! LOL

EWWWW Wildebeast!!! LOL

ATL Guy Sounds like you are trying to have your cake and eat it too…with milk!

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:18 AM | Link to this

well, neva been in love with anyone

After 37 years on this earth, that’s kinda a sad statement, Mr. Sam

By abc

July 16, 2008 11:19 AM | Link to this

Thinking about it a bit, it’s always them that has the 2nd thoughts. They act surprised and get completely angry all over again when they discover that I’ve moved on. I really don’t even need to know them on any basis, after all that. They always act offended to learn that there’s no way I’m coming back. They go through the things about how nobody’s ever been so good to me (yeah, right, that’s why I’m through with your yelling at me), nobody would put up with me like they have (yeah, right, that’s why the women I’m seeing are so happy to see me), how I’m heartless, don’t know right from wrong, so on and so forth. Whatever, beeyotch. Go hassle the next poor sucker.

Sometimes their anger leads them to violence, like vandalizing cars, threats of attacks with guns and knives. Sometimes their anger and spite leads them to try and cause problems for me with the one I’m with now. No fury like a woman scorned, and all that.

Then all the stuff that For Real said, I co-sign all that.

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 11:24 AM | Link to this

And this is the key to healing quicker than most…If there can be a such thing, the part that made my divorce ‘easy’ was knowing that it was already over long before we called it quits.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:24 AM | Link to this

the best way to get over a woman is to get under the next one.”

This works for women too. As long as you feel you upgrade. I think most of my relationships have been better than the last. There is nothing like a guy treating you the way you feel you deserve to be treated to illustrate what a loser the last guy was.

By Foots aka Giraffe

July 16, 2008 11:26 AM | Link to this

abc What is about you that keeps attracting all these psycho ladies who vandalize cars and threaten you with guns and knives??? That seems odd, because you seem to be a good judge of character…

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 11:28 AM | Link to this

Staceye I am over here LMBAO @ your friend when her divorce was final!! Now I didnt go that far but I was dayum close! I took the rest of the day off, got my nails and hair done, took myself out to eat to celebrate and THEN started calling folks saying “I’m baaaaack!”

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:28 AM | Link to this

Sometimes their anger leads them to violence, like vandalizing cars, threats of attacks with guns and knives.

I’ve thought about doing stuff like this, but never do. I’m too prideful and would never give him the satisfaction to know he’s affected me in that way. Besides, I don’t ever want to go to jail! LOL

By The Truth

July 16, 2008 11:29 AM | Link to this

Ared I didn’t leave her in Savanahh. We were inour apartment in atlanta. We were going to drive down that morning.

Melo my point is I left the woman that cared for me when I couldn’t care for myself and my soulmate so leaving you isn’t that hard to process.

Staceye no therapy needed. We live, experience and learn. It was a great lesson to learn. In the end you have to handle a deep breakup like a death. Take a moment to grieve and then move forward, sometimes very slowly. LOL

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 11:30 AM | Link to this

Mizz Lady Red

not really, neva met anyone who could fulfill ALL my needs, meet my expectations (per se) with little drama. so i do what i do and leave’em wanting mo.

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 11:33 AM | Link to this

Staceye Whats the Point in having Cake and not Eating It!? Haha!

I’m not trying to play her at all. Really trying not to. She’s a Japanese Model from Yokohama who lived in San Diego and came to Atlanta. I told her on her on my Birthday (when I was drunk as hell) … Aishiteru … means I love you in Japanese. So the next morning I wake up not remembering everything from my Birthday and she’s like “you know what you were telling me in Japanese last night, did you mean it?” I’m like, “what did I tell you?” I felt terrible for real.

Another Reason I’ve dropped the drinking…unfortunately, I’ve sent mixed signals while drinking, unintentionally…I’m sure thats happened to other people too

By mytwocents

July 16, 2008 11:34 AM | Link to this

For Real I will never share my pain with you again. Re your victim mentality, to some extent both parties are culpable when it dissolves. Do you really have sisters or cousins who act like that? Lettin everybody get in their biz for a lil extra attention? Barring some real shocker of a break up who’s gonna even coddle a grown woman to that point? Maybe I’m just private but I can’t see it. Most of y’all need to stop frontin & just ask for a hug.

By SexyCool

July 16, 2008 11:34 AM | Link to this

wise…that SONG is stuck in my head now…THANKS…lol…

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 11:34 AM | Link to this

Sure wish I had done that picture thing. But believed I cried for my daughter as well as all the years gone by. After that cry went to work and made plans for my divorce party @ Sambuca’s. So, I was cheesing that night!

By Kara

July 16, 2008 11:37 AM | Link to this

oh please, Samiam you probably leave them wanting more alright, because you are so horrible in the sack

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 11:39 AM | Link to this

We do care,but usually we internalize it, but move on quickly.

I never pinned over a relationship thats broken.

melo it’s not just the male way of doing. like i said earlier; Leaving it alone, “move on” and allowing my heart to be free is very important to me. I cherish the day a man can take my heart and take care of it, and of course i will take care of his. If i see it is going to hurt or be superfical i’m out.

Someone mentioned how ppl are ‘losing it’ and killing their SO…this happens b/c our hearts are the most vunerable, sacred thing we posses. You have to be careful to not make a persons heart a playing field. You do that and it can be deadtrimental. sad but true

By abc

July 16, 2008 11:40 AM | Link to this

Well foots, I tend to think that most women would harbor those kinds of feelings after a man refuses their attention like that. Many won’t act upon it, many do. With me, some have acted like that, some haven’t.

Women don’t consider it a character issue, they just want to start a bonfire in the driveway with all of his stuff!

Psycho beeyotches, without a doubt, but it’s not as if they’d label themselves that way, and most women would seem to empathize with them.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:41 AM | Link to this

Celebrating divorce? Broken homes? Broken vows? The demise of a relationship? I don’t understand that one really.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:44 AM | Link to this

not really, neva met anyone who could fulfill ALL my needs

You’ll never meet that, Sam.

LMAO @ Kara. I’ve missed you.

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 11:45 AM | Link to this

ABC

mayne, you sho spittin’ knowledge on them broads now. i don’t think i’ve eva consider going back to any of them. i just wish they would leave my shyt alone when they time done expired. that tearing up, buring, dentin up my shyt is high school theatrics. for real!! just get the he11z on drama free!!!

By melo

July 16, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this

What is about you that keeps attracting all these psycho ladies who vandalize cars and threaten you with guns and knives??? i think its not necesarily the wmen,its becoz there is smething about abc,(good) that attracts them and makes them lose their minds.He is a nice guy,unfortunately,from what i see/read,he misses sme ruthlessness in him,a rough edge. My recently married friend is kinda the same,a real nice dude.And this sunday after church,his young wife was acting up coz she said the mum in law(my friend’s mom) was taking too long to cme outa church and she wanted to go have her nails blah blah and didnt want to wait for her etc(we talking about an old lady in her late 60s)So she was actimg up and not the 1st time,u knw.When i told my wife as we went home(coz my friend had called to tell me that stuff on the way),my wife remarked * u knw,J needs to be stern and tough with her.In my mind i said,yeah,coz u knw i dont take shyt like that and nw u knw better*. I kinda felt good about that……

By Foots aka Giraffe

July 16, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this

abc So you’re saying that this is an “all woman” thing, not that you just attract the weird ones?

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 11:47 AM | Link to this

I’m with Amazon glorifying these divorces and giving thumbs up etc is ridiculous. Who wins in this situation, nobody. Just another broken home & couples not owning up to their responsibilities to be loving & faithful to eachother.

If I meet a girl that was divorced…I would see her as damaged goods. There will always be baggage there or emotional unstable issues post divorce that I wouldn’t want to handle

By Dan

July 16, 2008 11:47 AM | Link to this

@Alvin

You ain’t alone…

Trying is sooooo much harder than not. But at this point going back to the “old” way ‘bout wouldn’t be possible for me.

But who knows, another breakup and I could be Guerilla Pimpin like Truth said in the Dolemite Pimp voice “Ish you choose me, now respect my rules, or choose them fools…” eh hee,heh, heh…

By The Truth

July 16, 2008 11:53 AM | Link to this

Ared Celebrating divorce? Broken homes? Broken vows? The demise of a relationship? I don’t understand that one really. Sometimes when you’re in the hot grease all you want in life is to get out, to get reief. When that happens it’s the most freeing thing in the world.

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 11:53 AM | Link to this

Red

ok, “miss literal.” but on the real that’s why “sam-ism” works for me and seem like a lot of you’ll too. (lol)

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 11:54 AM | Link to this

to some extent both parties are culpable when it dissolves.

I agree. I don’t do…i’m the victim…you hurt me. I’m private and don’t want pitty parties. Lol yea, a hug will do.

mytwocents you know i am not easly linked to such a depth, but i got caught on this one. It’s close to me b/c my gf Tammy was killed by a “good one”. She and he were at fault but he decided to take it to death.

By Dan

July 16, 2008 11:56 AM | Link to this

Okay,

Imagine that you’re in a loveless marriage (or relationship), your reasons for staying go from familiarity to kids, despite how you feel or are treated.

When the time comes to leave, to find happiness and this anchor is removed…wouldn’t you feel happy?

Wouldn’t you feel relief?

Wouldn’t you wanna have that 5th ward style second line?

..that’s why you can celebrate a divorce (or the end of a relationship).

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:58 AM | Link to this

Sometimes when you’re in the hot grease all you want in life is to get out, to get reief. When that happens it’s the most freeing thing in the world.

I get it, Truth. It’s just like when Doughboy got out of the pen in Boyz in the Hood. They threw him a barbeque. LOL

By Foots aka Giraffe

July 16, 2008 11:59 AM | Link to this

ATLGuy There will always be baggage there or emotional unstable issues

That’s like saying that you wouldn’t date a woman whose parents were deceased. I’ll submit that that is also a highly emotional loss that will affect her for the rest of her life. How do you make the distinction between which emotional losses she has suffered will be deal-breakers for you?

By Blue Kolla

July 16, 2008 12:00 PM | Link to this

Morning Blog.

Ex-wifey was the only person that I had a hard time breaking up with. But thanks to her, it’s pretty easy now.

For Real Now compare that to the exta attention men get from their family and friends. Man you still whinning about that bytch. Here drank this and get you some new puddy. The attention he gets from family. Boy I hope you ain’t planning on sleeping on my sofa, eating my food, and using my electwisity all night. Now move out my chair and take your wiped azz home. That must be yo mama side come out of you. Slim I told you breasted feed that boy for too long.

Yeap… LMAO

Mo I went to talk to my father who simply said “work it out” and ended the conversation.

Sounds like a real cool cat to me.

Cee I’m going to need a copy of your “Cee’s Blog Translator 2nd ed.” b/c sometimes I have the darnedest time following you. Help a brotha out.

QC ;)

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 12:02 PM | Link to this

Once you get to that point ARed, you’ll understand then.

Atl Guy, I don’t think it’s so much as glorifying the divorce. It more a pat on our own back for getting out of a bad relationship and recognizing that it was time to get out. Also, although we’ve created a R