By QC

July 16, 2008 8:22 AM | Link to this

Morning Bloggers Have a great day!

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 8:31 AM | Link to this

Please remember the reason(s) why you left when all of those feelings come rushing back. That will knock some sense back into you. You might think taking him back will be a good idea, but after a couple of weeks you’ll be reminded on why you left his triflin’ a$$.

By Raqi

July 16, 2008 8:36 AM | Link to this

I too believe the more in love the harder to forget and walk away. My hardest permanent breakup was with my son’s father. And for many reasons. I feel hard for him and he became my introduction into a whole other world. I did love him a lot. Some days I had to keep reminding myself of why we parted ways. And for that reason I knew I couldn’t be with him again. I would never trust him.

Literally we were now connected forever. But emotionally I learned to let go. I know people would say ‘He lied to you. That shouldn’t have been hard to do.’ But the thing is some days I remembered all the good that he did over the bad. And it didn’t help that he came around a lot apologizing, trying to convince me he meant well.

In the end I stood on the fact that if he did what he did to be with me, he is capable of doing it again against me.

I broke up with my marido a couple of times but one of us always managed to win the other back before the “coldness” set in.

By Dan

July 16, 2008 8:44 AM | Link to this

While I can only speak for self,

I think with most guys, once that cut is there, it’s done. Now we may backtrack becuase of a certain skillset, but on the whole the relationship is over.

But quietly, guys think about the breakup too. But it’s more like an autopsy, a clinical and antiseptic divested look at what happened.

It may be months or years later and depending on the reason for the breakup, he would think about coming back unless there’s a drought or a string of sex with horrible women. (ex. if you messed around on him, generally no comeback thoughts, if he messed around on you he may only then realize what was done)

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 8:45 AM | Link to this

Raqi

Do you feel that since you have his son, that’s why you will always love him or loved him a lot or considered giving him another chance? It’s always easier to let go and move on if there’s no ties (children).

By LoveHurts

July 16, 2008 8:47 AM | Link to this

I spent 4 months going back and forth with a man that was not a good fit for me. We had dated on and off for 5 years (more off than on) and I finally gave him my heart somewhere in the 4th year. Much to my dissappointment we were just not for each other but that did not change the fact that I had allowed myself to love him and let him into a place in my heart and my life where no one had been for a very long time. After we grappled with breaking up for 4 months I finally made a list of “pros” and “cons”. I made the list based on only facts, not emotions and unfortunately the “con” list was 10 times as long as the “pro” list. So, everytime I got week and wanted to call him, or everytime my heart hurt so bad that I thought I could not breathe I would take out the list and read it. I had to remind myself constantly of what went wrong and why we ended up apart. I am still struggling with the break up and in a great deal of pain, but rest assured that I will not back slide back to him, he has nothing to offer me.

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 8:50 AM | Link to this

Dan

Why is it that men move on faster? Why is it that men jump into the next relationship so quickly (within a month sometimes)?

Lady Bloggers

Why do we mourn so long?

By MARTA

July 16, 2008 8:57 AM | Link to this

Guys are like buses, another one will come along in 10 minutes.

By Raqi

July 16, 2008 8:57 AM | Link to this

Lady Lurker, yes having his son was a big part of the reason. And the fact that I had never loved a man like him or had a man do the things for me that he did made it that much harder.

By Dan

July 16, 2008 8:58 AM | Link to this

Again, from self

It’s just easier, for women sex is tied to emotions, after that first breakup (in a relationship you where you were having sex with the girl) men begin to think differently about a lot of things, and mainly sex.

To us, on a lot of levels it’s just and act, a function to be performed. And after a breakup your ego want more and more of that function performed with different (and better looking) women. Thats what sport fugging is.

I can almost bet that every “dog” any woman has ever met had his heart broken first.

And it takes a long time to get over that. We still have the pain, we just mask it and pass it along through to the next dozen or so women.

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 8:58 AM | Link to this

LoveHurts

My heart has been hurting for six years now. I wish I could say something to help you. The Truth do you have any advice on moving on?

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 9:00 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone.

Here is another way optimism comes in: You aren’t afraid of the future. I haven’t felt the need to play the continuous “make up game” because I fear wasting time with someone who has already hurt me, will prevent or delay me from finding the one that I’m meant to be with.

Don’t get me wrong, breaking up SUCKS. And break ups take me a while to get over. However, it doesn’t stop me from moving forward.

Very early in my dating life, a guy who seemed to be really in to me quit me cold turkey after I suggested we end it. I thought we agreed to be friends! lol After I had done all the calling and “stopping by” and wanting “get back” I was the one looking silly in the end. It was an experience that really changed my focus and one that I am actually grateful for.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 9:06 AM | Link to this

Love Hurts/Lady Lurker - That is a long time to hold a torch for someone who you know is wrong for you and you can’t be with. Doesn’t it feel like a weight holding you down?

I believe in the power of the mind (yes, California hippie stuff, lol). You’ve gotta make a conscious decision to let the pain go. You have to believe that holding onto the baggage is preventing you from moving forward.

I read “It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken” awhile back and it gives really practical advice. It wasn’t hard for me to follow the action plan, because it is stuff I firmly believe in doing anyway. However, it’s something I would definitely recommend to those who just can’t seem to get over that last hurdle. Good luck to you guys!

By QC

July 16, 2008 9:08 AM | Link to this

Good question LadyLurker….why do we mourn so long? We put so much into relationships that we really want to work…when somewhere deep down inside we know it never will…but in the mean time, we’re enjoying the benefits that come with the “broken heart” we’ll have eventually have later on down the road..

We both confessed our love for each other, but honestly…what really happened? Yes “love hurts & love is blind

By LoveHurts

July 16, 2008 9:10 AM | Link to this

LadyLurker Thanks for your concern. I have been divorced for 8 years and either my memory is off or I could swear that I did not endure this much pain when I left my husband, of which we had one child.

I really love this man but the cold reality hurts that we just are not right for each other. There is nothing I can do to change the facts.

Dan you are so right about how men are able to move on faster than women. Men move on to sexual relationships, not necessarily love. Women can’t move onto to sex until we feel whole again. I could not imagine having sex right now. I tried once and broke down into tears before anything could happen - how embarrasing!!!

By melo

July 16, 2008 9:13 AM | Link to this

Guys are like buses, another one will come along in 10 minutes. hey marta, which strip club do u work at?

By SlimOne

July 16, 2008 9:14 AM | Link to this

Lady Lurker Why do we mourn so long? Why is it that men move on faster?

Lady, I think much is attributed to the fact of women being more emotionally based than men. Women are nesters by nature so there is a lot more to have established some form of nesting with an individual for a period of time, to then have to destroy that nest or leave that nest so-to-speak. Men are more of the hunters/providers so they cannot (metaphorically) waste too much time on what happened to his nest…cuz he still gotta eat. I guess its like that song Pappa was a Rolling Stone…wherever he laid his hat was his home. Women aren’t wired to be that way. So we will weigh out a lot more things before we just up and cut things off, FOR THE MOST PART (staceye lol) Also, men do feel the brunt of breakups but that doesnt mean they are sitting at home watching movies, crying and eating ice cream. They can go out that same night and sleep with some unexpecting female and try to bang her brains out the back of her neck, all for the sake of keeping their minds occupied. JMO tho.

By anonymousella

July 16, 2008 9:17 AM | Link to this

i don’t have anyone i would take back. i wished for it with my last ex in the weeks immediately after our breakup. i didn’t beg. but i did ask him. he said “i’m not trying to date anyone right now.”

apparently two months was enough time for him to change his mind. so now, i just hope he catches a bad case of herpes.

By LoveHurts

July 16, 2008 9:17 AM | Link to this

Amazon Red My break up has only been for 2 months now. We went back and forth for 4 months prior but my hurt is only about 2 months old. Trust me, if I could let go of it right now I would but everything seems to remind me of us. I am trying to get past it. I have beefed up my workouts, I am reading a lot more and spending quality time with my family and friends. I pray I will only be feeling this way a little longer and I can move on.

Ironically enough, my daughter read that book and trusted to give me advice from it. She is only 13 so I dismissed it, I guess I should double back and read it for myself….smile

By Wise Diva

July 16, 2008 9:19 AM | Link to this

Good morning Misadventurers!

The melo, why does she have to work at a strip club? LOL Geez, you are starting already aren’t you!

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 9:23 AM | Link to this

Morning All! Great topic, cant wait to see some of the responses.

Raqi Literally we were now connected forever. But emotionally I learned to let go. That is a hard thing to do but definitely necessary. I know when ex-hubby and I split, that was hard for me.

I have never been one for second chances, the way I see it, if we split then its done. No need to keep opening an old wound. With my ex it was hard but mainly b/c of my son. I wanted my child to have a two parent household like the one I grew up in, but I wasnt willing to do it by any means necessary. What I mean is, what good what a two parent household have been if there was obvious tension/lack of a relationship b/w ex & I. My child deserved better and in the end so did I and ex-hubby.

okay, who is bringing breakfast today? I’m starving

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 9:25 AM | Link to this

so now, i just hope he catches a bad case of herpes.

ella - Wow! LOL. I guess you aren’t quite over him yet. LOL. That’s cold!

Love Hurts - Yeah, you just need time. You’re doing all the right things, I would think. Make sure you prime your mind to really believe God is preparing you for something better. Keep praying! (and yeah, I’d read that book, at the very least, it will give you a chuckle)

By QC

July 16, 2008 9:25 AM | Link to this

Good post Slim1 and sooo true..

By Just Wondering

July 16, 2008 9:26 AM | Link to this

Umm. Excuse me AmazonRed but aren’t you dating someone you previously had a relationship with?

By Alvin

July 16, 2008 9:27 AM | Link to this

Yo, Mary J and Big Boi’s new single sounds nice.

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 9:33 AM | Link to this

Morning everyone!

…right, “Don’t Make Me Over” <—- I like that.

I was never one to revisit “lost love” to try it again and tell myself that the mend is or can be as good as new. What is lost is lost, and I would rather remember it as it was during the best times than try and restore it and revisit the place where I was betrayed. My heart has to be free and it should be earned.

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 9:33 AM | Link to this

SlimOne

I think you hit it right on! I would like to ask another question. Could it possibly be science? Is there a hormone that women are born with that makes us so emotional? Can this be removed? J/K.

ABC I need you today. Wake up!

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 9:39 AM | Link to this

AmazonRed

Even though I’m still hurting, I have moved on. Is this possible though? It is possible to have a new life with another man you are happy with and still miss your ex and feel the hurt?

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 9:40 AM | Link to this

Slim my thoughts are towards you today. Are you feeling better? read your dream yesturday and my thoughts have been heavy.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 9:41 AM | Link to this

Umm. Excuse me AmazonRed but aren’t you dating someone you previously had a relationship with?

Yup.

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 9:46 AM | Link to this

Just Being Nosey

That does happen you know. Goodness.

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 9:50 AM | Link to this

I heard a lot about being hypnotized. Do you bloggers think it’ll work? Has anyone tried this?

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 9:52 AM | Link to this

It is possible to have a new life with another man you are happy with and still miss your ex and feel the hurt?

Lady Lurker - I’m still a relative babe in this love game. I’ve been hurt, but I have yet to be devestated to my core. I think Raqi, would be a good person to ask. It seems like she’s had some really awesome loves and has found true happiness as well.

By ATLWorldwide

July 16, 2008 9:53 AM | Link to this

I agree with the above poster. The best way to do it is to create a list of pros and cons. If the breakup was necessary, the con list will always outweigh the pro list.

This also helps me because I have a horrible memory and will forget why I left the situation.
The list is valuable when you run into dude again and he tries to slip back into your life. If you have a close friend or family member you can share the list with, that is helpful too because they can remind you why you need to stay away from that person if you have a weak moment.

By SlimOne

July 16, 2008 9:53 AM | Link to this

QC Thanks!…at first i was wondering if anyone would get the sense in what i wrote even though it made sense in my head. lol

LadyL I’m not sure you’d want to live a life w/o emotion. Even though it will help you to not feel the hurt and pain now, you wouldn’t be able to feel the joy and excitement of the next guy that might be for you. I’ve done the back and forth thing with an ex for about 9 years off and on. Every time we went into an “OFF” period was hard regardless of what the reasons were.

By Foots aka Giraffe

July 16, 2008 9:56 AM | Link to this

How do you handle breakups when the other person is asking for a second chance?

Whoo boy!! I’m actually still deleting emails from a breakup over 15 months ago. The dude knows that he made a mistake in breaking up with me and really wanted me to give him another chance. For the first few months after the breakup, I entertained the phone calls, thinking it would help him through it, but it made it worse. So when I stopped answering the phone, he moved to email. I feel really bad for him, but oh well…. When he broke it off, I asked him twice if he was sure and he said yes. In conversations after the breakup, I gently reminded him that he said he was sure, so he needs to stay sure.

In my worst breakup, I grieved for a long time, but he never knew. I had loved him for years, way before our actual relationship and it was the all-encompassing type of love. He meant the world to me. But once he told me it was over, it was over. I grieved privately and with my girlfriends. I never once picked up the phone to call him. I knew that it was for the best, I knew that he wasn’t the last man on Earth, and I knew that I would be happy again eventually as long as the sun kept rising everyday. That was enough to keep me moving.

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 10:02 AM | Link to this

you wouldn’t be able to feel the joy and excitement of the next guy that might be for you.

BRAVO!

By LilZ

July 16, 2008 10:04 AM | Link to this

Nice job, Blanca! You actually came up with a topic that got all these blog dorks to think - instead of talking about fake breakfast and loser drama all morning! Congratulations!!!

By Wise Diva

July 16, 2008 10:08 AM | Link to this

welcome Atlworldwide, Lady Lurker! very helpful comments from you, keep it coming, please!

By SlimOne

July 16, 2008 10:08 AM | Link to this

Cee Yeah I’m cool today. But what’s disturbing is i had yet another dream about death last night. I can’t really make out all that happened because it was all over the place but i do remember having a vigil or something for the guy that past. And towards the end i was talking to my mom about it and the guys father had come over to us and we were looking at some pictures taken before the dude died. So his dad was like, well maybe we can get a clue to what happened from the pictures. So the picture I saw was sort of like a dark picture of my sister but beside her head was a misty cloud next to her face that resembled the guy Then I woke up. Now i think i know why the picture was in my dream—> yesterday my sister texted me a picture of her sonogram.

By mytwocents

July 16, 2008 10:12 AM | Link to this

The time I allowed myself to be strung along it was because of the huge Investment (time, energy, emotions.) And since it was LD it took that much more for me- cuz I was putting in most if not all of the effort- to sustain sumthin that was never really defined. Over the years when I tried to pull away I’d get sucked back in w/ he couldn’t turn to anybody else & what a wonderful mother I’d be BS. I had to stop toying with my own emotions.

Lady L I think the amount of time we mourn is in direct correlation to how invested we felt while their mourning directly relates to how quickly they wanna purge her from their system so they don’t relapse. Many women would feel kinda “dirty” for bed hoppin right after but lots of men would feel “cleansed”.

Melo Leave MARTA alone. That’s why your tip $$ went to groceries.

By Wise Diva

July 16, 2008 10:13 AM | Link to this

LOL @ Lilz, blog dorks?! ouch!

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 10:15 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone. Very interesting topic. There must be something wrong w/my heart. I cried for abt 10 mins. in my car after my divorce was final and haven’t looked back since. Yes, he wants to come back, but my heart is hardened toward him on many levels. LoveHurts, you did the right thing by making that list. When emotions/lust get in the way it is imperative that one remember why they are now exs. Raqi, I am tied to my ex due to lil leggs, but that’s where it stops. I have no emotional attachment to him.

**How do you breakups handle breakups when the other person is asking for a second chance? As been dictated to me here on more than one occasion, you simply ignore those requests. A mental “cease and desist” order must be filed immediately with self to help transition of the other side of “PEACE.”

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 10:16 AM | Link to this

knew that it was for the best, I knew that he wasn’t the last man on Earth, and I knew that I would be happy again eventually as long as the sun kept rising everyday.

Foots i see you’re saying that giving yourself time to grieve or purge helped you. as you freed yourself the better love you found.

LilZ hi. It’s Wise today. so cute…Join in. Here have a breakfast sandwich.

By For Real

July 16, 2008 10:20 AM | Link to this

LadyLuker I need you to clear your mind and stare into the eye of the Dolphin. Now relax and keep staring at the eye of the Dolphin. You are getting sleepy, sleepy, keep staring at the eye of the Dolphin. I’m just removing your blouse to make you more comfortable. Keep you staring at the eye of the Dolphin.

By Alvin

July 16, 2008 10:23 AM | Link to this

Guys/women are like buses, another one will come along in 10 minutes.

WD, mainly folks who are h0e’n use that line…A h0e is a h0e regardless of how they try to clean their words up.

LoveHurts you love your ex husband, but not in love with him…you knew he wasn’t for you when you married his sorry a$$…LOL

Dan do you notice how hard most women love you, when you are a no good dude? LOL

Become a stand up dude…And watch how much hell most of these women throw at you.

By The Truth

July 16, 2008 10:24 AM | Link to this

Good morning folks. Isn’t this weather the best?

Lady Lurker when I got divorced it was the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to me. It was also the first time I had ever experienced large term failure so in addition to the hurt my ego was bruised. I couldn’t believe something I created wasn’t going to work out. With that being said it was THE greatest thing that ever happened to me. I say that because I set a standard and enforced it. It hurt but had to be done and for that I felt great.

Short brief: It’s St Patties day 1990 and me and wify were going to Savannah to wild out. When we wake it’s raining so I askd her if she wanted to go. She looked at me with those dead eyes women can get and I got out of bed, put a suitcase on the bed and put her out that moment. Now we had been having a few problems before that but she was becoming the source of my unhappiness and that isn’t going to fly. The greatest moment came about 4 weeks later because she would call and keep contact and that prevented from me from healing. So one night she calls and I tell her not to call anymore, ever. That allowed me to begin the healing process. We didn’t speak again for 7 years. As soon as we stopped talking I started healing but I remember thinking that even though this thing hurt it wasn’t something I couldn’t handle. I just took it one day at a time. I went back to old hobbies (Keith Vitali Karate, shooting pool, etc) and rebuilt my life without her.

The sad thing is 18 years later and she still hasn’t got over it. She’s married with children and I slept with her for 5 years. She never buried it. I tell her marrying you was the best thing that ever happened and divorcing you was too.

My story isn’t that short but the point is you have to KNOW it’s going to hurt but also that you can get over it. You have to know in your heart that better things are ahead.

I tell chicks now I left my mom who breastfed me when I couldn’t see and my soulmate, leaving you is easy.

Anyway, that’s how I dealt with it. But don’t think it didn’t hurt. It hurt like hell but it also matured me emotionally. I’m no longer afraid of the pain of breaking up. I’m more afraid of the unhappiness that I let someone bring into my life.

Sorry for the long post early in the morning. Please forward my ticket to wisediva@ajc.com and she’ll get a check to you soon.

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 10:27 AM | Link to this

Slim i’m reading again and all that i can say is take it up with a prayer that will help your subconsious/dream. It is not good for you to rise up early to stay up late to eat the bread of sorrow for so HE giveth his beloved sleep. To you. Give God in your thoughts of these dreams. I’ve been there before and I was up texting my prayer partner 3am in the morning.

Congratulations to sister’s new baby and to Auntie!

By Raqi

July 16, 2008 10:27 AM | Link to this

AmazonR and LadyL Hell naw. I don’t miss that azzhole. I have new TRUE love now. And I was pretty over him before my relationship now.

By For Real

July 16, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this

2pennies: This is it Black Cake I want out of this relationship.

Black Cake: Awwww don’t say that 2pennies. What will I do without you?

2pennies: That’s not working this time. I am over you!

Black Cake: Baby please, baby please, baby, baby….

2pennies: No Black Cake!

Black Cake: Can you do me a favor before you leave me?

2pennies: What?

Black Cake: Can you taste Black Cake once more for the good time?

2pennies: Ohhhhh Black Cake. mmmmmmmmmmmmm

Black Cake now looking into the camera smiles and winks.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 10:30 AM | Link to this

Great blog day today thus far. Thanks everyone for being so open.

Truth - Great post. I expected nothing less. (and am shaking my fist at you for kicking the ex out in Savannah.)

By Wildebeast

July 16, 2008 10:32 AM | Link to this

iguna awwwwww…that’s so sweet of you to fix LilZ a breakfast sandwich…I will make her some coffee with extra cream..Now moving loin cloth to the side.

By Deeva4Life

July 16, 2008 10:32 AM | Link to this

I had to stop toying with my own emotions. Mytwocents I strongly agree with this statement. At some point you have to assess the situation and realize that you are perpetuating your own bondage. Breaking up is hard to do…especially when you really love someone and you want it to work but once the healing process is over the freedom you feel is priceless.

I too did the pros and cons list with an ex. And like others have stated, the cons were much longer than the pros. In the end I had to ask myself, was I really in love with the person or in love with an idea? I mean, he’s a good guy…great father…but he wasn’t the one for me…yet I held on (back and forth) for two years. Ultimately, I made the decision to let go…and the freedom that came after the mourning was so refreshing. Nonetheless, I had to own up to the fact that I was the one keeping myself there…he wasn’t.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 10:34 AM | Link to this

LOL @ Raqi, I believe you talked about a guy who passed away. I thought he was a true love. I somehow thought you’ve found true love more than once. Sorry if I got things mixed up.

By mytwocents

July 16, 2008 10:36 AM | Link to this

ATLWW PLEASE DO NOT give me your list!!! Then I become the scapegoat or as it’s coded in the gentlemen’s vernacular— the hatin azz girlfriend. Never was I so livid than the time I was in the car w/ homegirl & verbmentphysically abusive boyfriend calls to make up and she’s eating all up n goes “Yeah, cuz .02 the one who said you needed a job…” I was so done! I woulda never known the fool was unemployed had u not told me and agreed w/ you. Lesson Learned.

Slim I always heard dreaming of Death meant someone is preggers. And sis is….

Cee What did Lily name her baby? Whatever won the office pool?

By catch231

July 16, 2008 10:37 AM | Link to this

I had the “best” breakup line from a girl that I loved dearly and still do after 10 years. She was so special to me and I still have dreams of her, but I know its over I just can’t help the way I feel. I just let her in too deep and she’ll always be there. I am not going to reveal the breakup up line that she use as it was so good that all the civilized world as we know it would be thrown into a great upheaval

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 10:38 AM | Link to this

My Ex we’re still on good terms, but when we catch up over coffee or something…she starts to act like we are together again. Those feelings haven’t left. She’s still emotionally tied and when we hang out its like we’re dating once again. She came out to my Birthday Celebration at Shout and Whiskey Park in Midtown off 14th street. We were partying and I was dancing with girls etc. She had every guy buying her drinks but kept saying “I’m here for my ex’s birthday, thanks for the drink” She’s a stand-up chick. But, she really cares and I hate to hurt her. I don’t want to lose her in my life but I don’t want to hurt her either when I’m out with other girls. So I don’t know

By KP (http://chatkafe.blogspot.com)

July 16, 2008 10:38 AM | Link to this

Good morning bloggers! Great topic today. I’ll be lurking until I feel like jumping into the ruckus.

I have chicken and waffles for everyone this morning! Enjoy.

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 10:43 AM | Link to this

awwwwww…that’s so sweet of you to fix LilZ a breakfast sandwich*

Wilderbeast…it’s better to invite one that likes to read the posts/forum than to get all caught up in their attempt to be patronizing.

At some point you have to assess the situation and realize that you are perpetuating your own bondage.

Deeva4Life i’m either good at running the ‘wrong one’ off or a master at moving on by any means. My earnest prayer/goal is to keep a good heart. Bitterness going back to betrayal terrifies me. I let lost love gooooo. btw good post

By Dan

July 16, 2008 10:45 AM | Link to this

@Alvin

I have yet to figure that one out, several theories, but just too tired to test them.

I don’t know what that attraction was, but I couldn’t shake loose a couple of girls when I dogging ‘em.

But in trying to be better, you’re right, they give you tons of hell and becuase you’re trying to condition yourself to care, it’s a bit more painful. But here’s the thing, I’m trying to make amends for my own past and I think about how those women treated the genuinely “good men” that they met after me, and so I can’t be too upset at how these ladies try me now.

Two things keep me at it: 1)my sense that in some way this is my penance for my own wrongs; and 2) I’m a man and my back is strong enough to handle it.

(But I still don’t let it go too far, ya dig?)

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 10:51 AM | Link to this

mytwo they are naming their daughter Audrey.

By SlimOne

July 16, 2008 10:52 AM | Link to this

My2 Well I’ve known my sis has been preggers since June. The ultrasound yesterday verified that she’s not having twins, thank God. And then my mom called me Monday saying she had a dream about fish which normally equals pregnancy. So she thinks its someone else. My friends mother said death meant Wedding or something. If i have another crazy dream tonight, I’ll have an exorcism conducted. lol

A guy friend of mine told me about his big breakup..yeah he knew he was the one who flucked it up. However, he told me what she said that put it into perspective for him that he remembers to this day. Ole girl told him, I will no longer compromise my happiness for you or your feelings. He said it just hit home for him and he knew he had to let her be.

By For Real

July 16, 2008 10:53 AM | Link to this

The difference between men and women is how we each deal with emotional pain. Men are taught to deal with emotional pain at very early age. The “jonning”, “jonesing”, “dozen”, sports, and so on. Most women never go thru this type of hazing. I say most bc Mo sounds like she grew up around a lot men that didn’t hold back on her. Sports teaches men how to analyze “is you hurt or injured” hurt mean process it and keep playing/moving. Injured means sit down until it heals but never give up on your goals and know that you will comeback. Women like the feeling of being a victim. Ared before you start fixing sandwiches let me finish. Language of a victim: I put all my time, I gave my all, I loved him with everything, I put in more effort…. Now lets look at the benefit women get for being a victim. Family and friends spend more time with you. They feed victim’s delusion that they didn’t do anything wrong in the relationship and most important of all IT AIN’T YOUR FAULT AND GOD HAS SOMETHING BETTER FOR YOU By being the victim, your family and friends feel obligated fill the time and space that your SO has left. So that’s why it takes women longer to get over it. YOu simply don’t want to and you love the attention you get from family and friends. Now compare that to the exta attention men get from their family and friends. Man you still whinning about that bytch. Here drank this and get you some new puddy. The attention he gets from family. Boy I hope you ain’t planning on sleeping on my sofa, eating my food, and using my electwisity all night. Now move out my chair and take your wiped azz home. That must be yo mama side come out of you. Slim I told you breasted feed that boy for too long.

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 10:53 AM | Link to this

I was thinking of this last night. I know of this mom who has been divorced for 2 years now. She always speaks of her ex in present terms…”my husband and I support this”, “or did that.” I’d look at her so innoncently saying to myself “poor thing” she hasn’t moved on yet! Why is some woman say “husband” when they’re not married anymore?

By melo

July 16, 2008 10:55 AM | Link to this

I tell chicks now I left my mom who breastfed me when I couldn’t see and my soulmate i didnt get that Truth..whats up with ur Mom can u elaborate? That’s why your tip $$ went to groceries that hurt,i thoght i was sleek,she beat me to it,i guess she more responsible than u knw who.Cant do without her tho,4 now lol.But if we break up, i dnt think i will miss her coz ive always wanted to stray anyway, i wl be u typical rolling stne,1 day i sleep in decatur,the next in lithonia,dunwoody and so on……….i will miss the kids,i cant have custody coz that messes up my plans… I never pined over a relationship thats broken.Maybe with kids that cld make sense.A man can always take the pain onto the other next girl.If money is involved,and u lose some to a wife,then that proly makes sense….i think i now understand why most divorcing US men eliminate the competetion…..!!!i aint kidding about this,its routed in capitalism and this economy is about survival of the fittest!!

By abc

July 16, 2008 10:56 AM | Link to this

In the past, when I’ve moved on it’s because I’ve known for sure that’s what I wanted to do, and so I didn’t have 2nd thoughts. A bit of remorse maybe, but not 2nd thoughts. I think a lot of people will base such actions on whether they got particularly angry or upset about isolated incidents, or groups of incidents, and decide based on their anger that they’re tired of dealing with whatever it is — but that’s different from knowing it’s time to move on. The anger will subside, and there you are.

That’s the way it’s happened to me. They get quite angry over and over and over, and decide that they’ve had enough in the midst of an angry fit. Meanwhile, I grow weary of dealing with their anger, and decide I’m through. Their anger subsides and they have 2nd thoughts, but by the time that happens, I’m already done,

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 10:58 AM | Link to this

Amazon why are you being so Quiet????!?!?!?!!?!?

By Dan

July 16, 2008 11:04 AM | Link to this

For Real makes some good points.

A male has no one in his life that is going to let him wallow in it for long. Pops, uncles, cousins, ya folk, nunna ‘em is going to care about “how she made me feel” and “the connection that we shared”, you’d be laughed out of the room with that foolishness. They’d tell you (like For Real said) “the best way to get over a woman is to get under the next one.”

And that women as a victim, that is true and “never [her] fault”, “[she] did everything right”, “it’s [his] fault”, “[he’s] a dog” (and the God line was classic)! ^For Real

By Tazzee

July 16, 2008 11:06 AM | Link to this

Great topic Wise Diva it reminds of Eric Benet’s song Where Does the Love Go

“How can people go from the feeling that words can’t describe to a place of not even caring if I’m even alive”

not sure if those are the exact words, but that’s how I sing it, LOL.

For me, it all depends on why we broke up in the first place. Most of the time I’m the one that initiated the break up and it’s because the guy isn’t doing something. If he comes back with some revelation regarding my issue and I’m not with anyone else, I’ll usually grant the guy another chance. But if the issue was major, then there’s no getting back together.

Overall for me, if the feelings are still there a chance is still there. But once I reach the point of no return, it’s a wrap.

By Alvin

July 16, 2008 11:06 AM | Link to this

Dan thanks for the reply, I am just glad I am not the only dude experiencing this…at first I was like, WTF?!

I remember the first girl I met when I was turning from my wicked ways put a gun to my head and said if I hurt her, she would take my life.

I left her condo butt naked and putting on clothes as I went.

Dan I think I met one of your former Bishes, LOL

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 11:09 AM | Link to this

For Real @ your 10:53. I did grow up w a heavy male influence and you arent the first person to ‘recognize’ that. I am very close with my father and brother, best friend is a guy and all of my cousins around my age that I grew up with were boys. So yeah, I played football/basketball with them, wasnt allowed to cry as much but more than anything they taught me how to just deal, without all the ‘extra’ as I call it. I remember once when me and ex-hubby were having a disagreement (we were dating) and I was crying about it. I went to talk to my father who simply said “work it out” and ended the conversation. At the time I was a lil taken aback but after the moment of shock wore off, I did just that. And those influences helped me a lot. Not to say Im not emotional, I am a woman after all but I think my level of emotion doesnt match most women, at least those that I know.

If there can be a such thing, the part that made my divorce ‘easy’ was knowing that it was already over long before we called it quits.

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 11:10 AM | Link to this

well, neva been in love with anyone, but have been the “choice” for many women in my 37 years. still got’em jocking from years gone by. they still calling, driving by, emailing, stalking. it’s par for the course. don’t think i’ll eva settle down for the wife, 2.3 kids, dog, mini-van and picked fence.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:12 AM | Link to this

Ared before you start fixing sandwiches let me finish

LOL For Real, damn good post. You’ve heard me preach about baggage preventing many of us from finding our own happiness. I agree that a lot of women do have a victim’s mentality. It’s hard for us to recover and it’s hard for us to start over.

“God has something better for you.” I so firmly believe this!!!

By Foots aka Giraffe

July 16, 2008 11:13 AM | Link to this

Truth I’m no longer afraid of the pain of breaking up. I’m more afraid of the unhappiness that I let someone bring into my life.

You got that right. My mama told me once that breaking up was like a removing a Band-Aid. It’s going to hurt for sure, but it was my choice whether I wanted it to hurt quickly and all at once (ripping it off=cutting all contact with the guy) or whether I wanted it to hurt slowly and over time (pulling it off bit by bit=maintaining contact with the guy, trying to start over, prolonging the pain). From that point on, I chose to rip. If it’s going to hurt anyway, I’d rather get it all over with so I can move on.

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

reading ova some of the post…i think some of you’ll been entrangled in my web (lol)… with the anomity of the net just don’t know fo sho!!:)

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

Alvin are they working you today homie?? This a straight plantation over here!!

By Dan

July 16, 2008 11:15 AM | Link to this

@Alvin

You may have!

Put a gun to my head… Were you on the first or second floor or higher? Cause for me, that a window worthy offense (whirrrrrrrr….splat!)

By melo

July 16, 2008 11:17 AM | Link to this

DAN,the best way to get over a woman is to get under the next one.” u right about that,and im sure this why women generally have tended to look at themselves as victims coz for a long time,men do bed hope and never seem to care about a “lost” relationship.We do care,but usually we internalize it,but move on quickly.Thats why when i hear about dudes that gas exes or kill exes,im like whats wrong with these azz dudes coz no pudsy is never going to be that good that i have to kill somebody.If i lose my hard earned money,then only may be my ex might have ufos visiting her and making her do stuff…lol

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

July 16, 2008 11:17 AM | Link to this

Lady Lurker Why do we mourn so long? Its because we as women get so emotionally attached that is it harder to let go. A dude can go right out and get laid and all of a sudden her is fine. Meanwhile we go through separation anxiety. Some women are to afraid to start over. But I feel life is full of many new beginnings. And we miss them because we are clinging to what should be the past…so the future never comes to be.

Love Hurts Women can’t move onto to sex until we feel whole again. I could not imagine having sex right now. I tried once and broke down into tears before anything could happen You are rigth on that…I know we joke and say the best way to get OVER one man is to get UNDER another one. But that only causes more problems. I can not get sexual with another guy until I have healed up some. The scar will always be there..but at least its no longer opened. I attempted to have a vacation fling with a guy to get over the hurt of my ex and all I did was find myself getting attched to him though out the trip. Me and the guy still speak and we are cool. But I think back to how I was trying to transfer my feelings from my ex to him just because I was trying to force my healing instead of letting it happen naturally.

Hey Slim! LOL

Wise You know Melo! LOL

Is there a hormone that women are born with that makes us so emotional? Can this be removed? Girl if there was such a thing called an “emotional-ectomy” I would have had it a long time ago! LOL

Lady Luker It is possible to have a new life with another man you are happy with and still miss your ex and feel the hurt I can’t answer that right now. Although my ex and I ended only due to distance…just seeing him a week and a half ago confirmed that I am not over him. A big part of me will always long for him. So that coupled with the jackholes I have dated before and after him makes for a dead in the water shot at being happy with somebody else. Ugh..I have so much to get over! I thikn MY pubes will look like Christmas tinsel before I do! By then…who would want it? LMA0

I make a a pro/con list for every difficult decision…just have never done it for a relationship. Hmmm

Foots I feel you girl. I could never get back with a guy who broke up with me. It’s all good that you admit your mistake. But you made your bed..so lie in it buddy…without me! Pride won’t let me be a fool again!

Sexyleggs You did the opposite of what my friend did when her divorce was final…she took a picture holding the decree with a big cheese grin while doing a thumbs up motion and text it to us all. LOL

Truth Wow..I am about to move over on the couch dude…we need to share a session on the therapists’ couch! LOL

EWWWW Wildebeast!!! LOL

ATL Guy Sounds like you are trying to have your cake and eat it too…with milk!

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:18 AM | Link to this

well, neva been in love with anyone

After 37 years on this earth, that’s kinda a sad statement, Mr. Sam

By abc

July 16, 2008 11:19 AM | Link to this

Thinking about it a bit, it’s always them that has the 2nd thoughts. They act surprised and get completely angry all over again when they discover that I’ve moved on. I really don’t even need to know them on any basis, after all that. They always act offended to learn that there’s no way I’m coming back. They go through the things about how nobody’s ever been so good to me (yeah, right, that’s why I’m through with your yelling at me), nobody would put up with me like they have (yeah, right, that’s why the women I’m seeing are so happy to see me), how I’m heartless, don’t know right from wrong, so on and so forth. Whatever, beeyotch. Go hassle the next poor sucker.

Sometimes their anger leads them to violence, like vandalizing cars, threats of attacks with guns and knives. Sometimes their anger and spite leads them to try and cause problems for me with the one I’m with now. No fury like a woman scorned, and all that.

Then all the stuff that For Real said, I co-sign all that.

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 11:24 AM | Link to this

And this is the key to healing quicker than most…If there can be a such thing, the part that made my divorce ‘easy’ was knowing that it was already over long before we called it quits.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:24 AM | Link to this

the best way to get over a woman is to get under the next one.”

This works for women too. As long as you feel you upgrade. I think most of my relationships have been better than the last. There is nothing like a guy treating you the way you feel you deserve to be treated to illustrate what a loser the last guy was.

By Foots aka Giraffe

July 16, 2008 11:26 AM | Link to this

abc What is about you that keeps attracting all these psycho ladies who vandalize cars and threaten you with guns and knives??? That seems odd, because you seem to be a good judge of character…

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 11:28 AM | Link to this

Staceye I am over here LMBAO @ your friend when her divorce was final!! Now I didnt go that far but I was dayum close! I took the rest of the day off, got my nails and hair done, took myself out to eat to celebrate and THEN started calling folks saying “I’m baaaaack!”

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:28 AM | Link to this

Sometimes their anger leads them to violence, like vandalizing cars, threats of attacks with guns and knives.

I’ve thought about doing stuff like this, but never do. I’m too prideful and would never give him the satisfaction to know he’s affected me in that way. Besides, I don’t ever want to go to jail! LOL

By The Truth

July 16, 2008 11:29 AM | Link to this

Ared I didn’t leave her in Savanahh. We were inour apartment in atlanta. We were going to drive down that morning.

Melo my point is I left the woman that cared for me when I couldn’t care for myself and my soulmate so leaving you isn’t that hard to process.

Staceye no therapy needed. We live, experience and learn. It was a great lesson to learn. In the end you have to handle a deep breakup like a death. Take a moment to grieve and then move forward, sometimes very slowly. LOL

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 11:30 AM | Link to this

Mizz Lady Red

not really, neva met anyone who could fulfill ALL my needs, meet my expectations (per se) with little drama. so i do what i do and leave’em wanting mo.

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 11:33 AM | Link to this

Staceye Whats the Point in having Cake and not Eating It!? Haha!

I’m not trying to play her at all. Really trying not to. She’s a Japanese Model from Yokohama who lived in San Diego and came to Atlanta. I told her on her on my Birthday (when I was drunk as hell) … Aishiteru … means I love you in Japanese. So the next morning I wake up not remembering everything from my Birthday and she’s like “you know what you were telling me in Japanese last night, did you mean it?” I’m like, “what did I tell you?” I felt terrible for real.

Another Reason I’ve dropped the drinking…unfortunately, I’ve sent mixed signals while drinking, unintentionally…I’m sure thats happened to other people too

By mytwocents

July 16, 2008 11:34 AM | Link to this

For Real I will never share my pain with you again. Re your victim mentality, to some extent both parties are culpable when it dissolves. Do you really have sisters or cousins who act like that? Lettin everybody get in their biz for a lil extra attention? Barring some real shocker of a break up who’s gonna even coddle a grown woman to that point? Maybe I’m just private but I can’t see it. Most of y’all need to stop frontin & just ask for a hug.

By SexyCool

July 16, 2008 11:34 AM | Link to this

wise…that SONG is stuck in my head now…THANKS…lol…

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 11:34 AM | Link to this

Sure wish I had done that picture thing. But believed I cried for my daughter as well as all the years gone by. After that cry went to work and made plans for my divorce party @ Sambuca’s. So, I was cheesing that night!

By Kara

July 16, 2008 11:37 AM | Link to this

oh please, Samiam you probably leave them wanting more alright, because you are so horrible in the sack

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 11:39 AM | Link to this

We do care,but usually we internalize it, but move on quickly.

I never pinned over a relationship thats broken.

melo it’s not just the male way of doing. like i said earlier; Leaving it alone, “move on” and allowing my heart to be free is very important to me. I cherish the day a man can take my heart and take care of it, and of course i will take care of his. If i see it is going to hurt or be superfical i’m out.

Someone mentioned how ppl are ‘losing it’ and killing their SO…this happens b/c our hearts are the most vunerable, sacred thing we posses. You have to be careful to not make a persons heart a playing field. You do that and it can be deadtrimental. sad but true

By abc

July 16, 2008 11:40 AM | Link to this

Well foots, I tend to think that most women would harbor those kinds of feelings after a man refuses their attention like that. Many won’t act upon it, many do. With me, some have acted like that, some haven’t.

Women don’t consider it a character issue, they just want to start a bonfire in the driveway with all of his stuff!

Psycho beeyotches, without a doubt, but it’s not as if they’d label themselves that way, and most women would seem to empathize with them.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:41 AM | Link to this

Celebrating divorce? Broken homes? Broken vows? The demise of a relationship? I don’t understand that one really.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:44 AM | Link to this

not really, neva met anyone who could fulfill ALL my needs

You’ll never meet that, Sam.

LMAO @ Kara. I’ve missed you.

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 11:45 AM | Link to this

ABC

mayne, you sho spittin’ knowledge on them broads now. i don’t think i’ve eva consider going back to any of them. i just wish they would leave my shyt alone when they time done expired. that tearing up, buring, dentin up my shyt is high school theatrics. for real!! just get the he11z on drama free!!!

By melo

July 16, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this

What is about you that keeps attracting all these psycho ladies who vandalize cars and threaten you with guns and knives??? i think its not necesarily the wmen,its becoz there is smething about abc,(good) that attracts them and makes them lose their minds.He is a nice guy,unfortunately,from what i see/read,he misses sme ruthlessness in him,a rough edge. My recently married friend is kinda the same,a real nice dude.And this sunday after church,his young wife was acting up coz she said the mum in law(my friend’s mom) was taking too long to cme outa church and she wanted to go have her nails blah blah and didnt want to wait for her etc(we talking about an old lady in her late 60s)So she was actimg up and not the 1st time,u knw.When i told my wife as we went home(coz my friend had called to tell me that stuff on the way),my wife remarked * u knw,J needs to be stern and tough with her.In my mind i said,yeah,coz u knw i dont take shyt like that and nw u knw better*. I kinda felt good about that……

By Foots aka Giraffe

July 16, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this

abc So you’re saying that this is an “all woman” thing, not that you just attract the weird ones?

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 11:47 AM | Link to this

I’m with Amazon glorifying these divorces and giving thumbs up etc is ridiculous. Who wins in this situation, nobody. Just another broken home & couples not owning up to their responsibilities to be loving & faithful to eachother.

If I meet a girl that was divorced…I would see her as damaged goods. There will always be baggage there or emotional unstable issues post divorce that I wouldn’t want to handle

By Dan

July 16, 2008 11:47 AM | Link to this

@Alvin

You ain’t alone…

Trying is sooooo much harder than not. But at this point going back to the “old” way ‘bout wouldn’t be possible for me.

But who knows, another breakup and I could be Guerilla Pimpin like Truth said in the Dolemite Pimp voice “Ish you choose me, now respect my rules, or choose them fools…” eh hee,heh, heh…

By The Truth

July 16, 2008 11:53 AM | Link to this

Ared Celebrating divorce? Broken homes? Broken vows? The demise of a relationship? I don’t understand that one really. Sometimes when you’re in the hot grease all you want in life is to get out, to get reief. When that happens it’s the most freeing thing in the world.

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 11:53 AM | Link to this

Red

ok, “miss literal.” but on the real that’s why “sam-ism” works for me and seem like a lot of you’ll too. (lol)

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 11:54 AM | Link to this

to some extent both parties are culpable when it dissolves.

I agree. I don’t do…i’m the victim…you hurt me. I’m private and don’t want pitty parties. Lol yea, a hug will do.

mytwocents you know i am not easly linked to such a depth, but i got caught on this one. It’s close to me b/c my gf Tammy was killed by a “good one”. She and he were at fault but he decided to take it to death.

By Dan

July 16, 2008 11:56 AM | Link to this

Okay,

Imagine that you’re in a loveless marriage (or relationship), your reasons for staying go from familiarity to kids, despite how you feel or are treated.

When the time comes to leave, to find happiness and this anchor is removed…wouldn’t you feel happy?

Wouldn’t you feel relief?

Wouldn’t you wanna have that 5th ward style second line?

..that’s why you can celebrate a divorce (or the end of a relationship).

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 11:58 AM | Link to this

Sometimes when you’re in the hot grease all you want in life is to get out, to get reief. When that happens it’s the most freeing thing in the world.

I get it, Truth. It’s just like when Doughboy got out of the pen in Boyz in the Hood. They threw him a barbeque. LOL

By Foots aka Giraffe

July 16, 2008 11:59 AM | Link to this

ATLGuy There will always be baggage there or emotional unstable issues

That’s like saying that you wouldn’t date a woman whose parents were deceased. I’ll submit that that is also a highly emotional loss that will affect her for the rest of her life. How do you make the distinction between which emotional losses she has suffered will be deal-breakers for you?

By Blue Kolla

July 16, 2008 12:00 PM | Link to this

Morning Blog.

Ex-wifey was the only person that I had a hard time breaking up with. But thanks to her, it’s pretty easy now.

For Real Now compare that to the exta attention men get from their family and friends. Man you still whinning about that bytch. Here drank this and get you some new puddy. The attention he gets from family. Boy I hope you ain’t planning on sleeping on my sofa, eating my food, and using my electwisity all night. Now move out my chair and take your wiped azz home. That must be yo mama side come out of you. Slim I told you breasted feed that boy for too long.

Yeap… LMAO

Mo I went to talk to my father who simply said “work it out” and ended the conversation.

Sounds like a real cool cat to me.

Cee I’m going to need a copy of your “Cee’s Blog Translator 2nd ed.” b/c sometimes I have the darnedest time following you. Help a brotha out.

QC ;)

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 12:02 PM | Link to this

Once you get to that point ARed, you’ll understand then.

Atl Guy, I don’t think it’s so much as glorifying the divorce. It more a pat on our own back for getting out of a bad relationship and recognizing that it was time to get out. Also, although we’ve created a “broken home” we also taught our children that you don’t have to stay where you’re not wanted NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCE.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 12:05 PM | Link to this

Dan - Happiness and relief is one thing. A party is another.

Can you celebrate a divorce? Sure. Go for it. Just not something I personally feel is cause for celebration. shrugs We all make bad choices, we all are hopefully delivered from them. Not all of them necessitate a hoedown. LOL

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 12:07 PM | Link to this

Once you get to that point ARed, you’ll understand then.

Maybe so, but it still doesn’t mean I’ll party, SexyLeggs

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 12:07 PM | Link to this

Foots thats not a direct comparison. I mean in Divorce, it takes two to play. When there is a death in the family, its out of your control.

I understand with Divorce its not always mutual fault, but often times people see it as the easy way out of a situation instead of putting the effort in to make it work. Then to glorify how happy you are to have a divorce…please…don’t get married in the first place. Divorce has more implications than just two people breaking up. I don’t want to deal with women coming off emotional rebound from a divorce

By melo

July 16, 2008 12:10 PM | Link to this

It’s close to me b/c my gf Tammy was killed by a “good one” when is he due for parole? because you are so horrible in the sack thats a good one..are u currently satisfied?

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 12:11 PM | Link to this

ARed Celebrating divorce? Broken homes? Broken vows? The demise of a relationship? I don’t understand that one really. I didnt either until I woke up one day and realized that I dreaded even waking up most days, that if my ex left for work one day & didnt return I wouldnt even care, that my child (at 1 yr of age) was starting to act out whenever both of his parents were in the same room. All these things will make you rethink your situation. Now granted all days arent great in a marriage, but when you bad days significantly outweigh your good you have to do something AND you cant do it alone. You have to have a willing participant in your spouse and BE a willing participant. The celebration comes in knowing that you can live again.

BK my dad is a cool cat! I was so appreciative of that advice.

Foots I agree with your post to ATLGuy.

By Kym aka Lady Sage

July 16, 2008 12:12 PM | Link to this

Good Afternoon All,

This is my friday!!! Yippee!! 4 wonderful days with my family. (Whoa..let me stop the room is spining and I am getting dizzy.-4 DAYS WITH MY FAMILY-GOOD GRIEF)

On Topic: What is that old song..Cause breaking up is hard to do There is no right or wrong way to get over someone and there is really not set time to get over that person. Frankly I look at breakups like the grieving process..there is sadness, regret, the whole lawd take me with you..don’t leave, the anger(the wish you would just die), and then final acceptance. Depending on the person some can move threw those stages fast or slow or not at all.

I think when we take on our baggage it is because we are stuck at one in one of those stages.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 12:13 PM | Link to this

I think divorced men who are willing to marry again are good relationship material. You know the reality of marriage and you still want to go thru it again.

More power too ya. LOL.

Run from the divorcees that tell you they never plan to marry again. The jig is up. LOL

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 12:16 PM | Link to this

Mo If you weren’t down with this guy and didn’t care if he would come home, why get married and have a child with him?? I mean do things change THAT much in 1yr. I know people have issues or fall out of love, but steps can be taken to make it right.

If its a truly abusive relationship, then I understand getting out of the situation for the best interest of yourself and child. Other than that…work it out. Understand why you got married in the first place. Everyone has their ups and downs

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 12:17 PM | Link to this

Well, I had my dinner party where we sat around drinking and having a good time. Everyone will find a way to celebrate or mourn. I was moving forward and there wasn’t any more room for tears other than the ones I shed in that car. Now, I wouldn’t put this in my child’s face. No. Told her I was going to dinner w/friends while she stayed over at a friend’s house. You see, for some of us, our home was already broken, the divorce made it whole again (if you can get with that train of thought).

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 12:18 PM | Link to this

Blue are you and A related in someway? Okay fine, by all means you can have the old version and the new updated version.

What’s up?

Really today i’m having some deep moments with this love and breakup topic b/c a sis has seen the worst of it…not much to translate on that. Hey, maybe it’s because i go deep sometimes like melo and Jamoca said that only those that can decipher are the one who get it.

By Kym aka Lady Sage

July 16, 2008 12:19 PM | Link to this

I know people who celebrated their divorces. Heck I think Halmark makes a card..if not there should be one.

Your Divorce is Final

*In times like this the lost of true love can really be hard..you go through all the what ifs of life..the if only we had, or I had, or she had. But…..

That is not the case for you..Congrats!!! on dumping that heifer..now go out there and get your party on!!! Whoop Whoop!!!

By abc

July 16, 2008 12:22 PM | Link to this

Thanks, melo… uh, I think!

Foots, I’d say most women would feel that way whether they’d act upon it or not, perhaps not all. Women have a tougher time with rejection than men do, men are rather used to it.

By Foots aka Giraffe

July 16, 2008 12:23 PM | Link to this

ATLGuy Sometimes you can’t control what happens in a marriage either. The ONLY person you can control is yourself. One person in a marriage can wake up and decide not to be married anymore. That kind of decision is made by one person. Divorce does not always take two. One party can very well want to work it out, while the other party is just out.

You’re cutting out a large group of women with great relationship experience to focus on never married women, who may have even worse emotional problems. If you meet a woman (or a man for that matter) who has never experienced any type of emotional pain, you’ll be the only one.

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 12:23 PM | Link to this

melo parole time??…i don’t think he’s up. The family had a great team of attorneys. Made him tell it all in court.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 12:25 PM | Link to this

The comment I made about divorce parties is simply my opinion. Kudos to each of you who got out alive. Live your life the way you see fit. Everyone will have differing opinions on what is appropriate causes for celebration, no more no less. I wasn’t targeting anyone directly no am I judging anyone. Good discussion today, let’s keep it up.

LMAO @ Kym’s Hallmark card.

SexyLeggs - I think you just wished divorce on me with your 12:02. sob LOL

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 12:29 PM | Link to this

It is ridiculous to celebrate Divorce. Extremely childish and there are no true winners with Divorce. I’ve seen that show Divorce Court and these people make me sick…acting so stupid and immature.

I know some co-workers that got divorced and they have an “Anti-versary” Party. Whatever…makes me sick their kids see this celebration of not having their dad around.

If you get divorce, be mature about it…its not a game you win or lose

By Dan

July 16, 2008 12:30 PM | Link to this

@ATL

In a city this large, with these disproportionate numbers, please believe me, you have a better chance (statiscally) of getting hit be a Marta bus, than finding a woman with no relationship issues….

just have to find one that can handle her reaction to the issues or one that you can deal with…

but no issues…this is America, homie everybody got some issue…

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

July 16, 2008 12:30 PM | Link to this

Mo* LOL girl that is right…treat yourself! I ain’t mad at ya!

ATL Guy Your drinking is like my Ambien effects..I say things I do not remember! Oh yeah I sleepwalk…which I have done b4 the Ambien. But now I am blacking out on events.

If I meet a girl that was divorced…I would see her as damaged goods That is far from true. My friend’s husbnad was cheating on her b4 they even ot married. he kept it going on for 3 years before he was caught. Even though she was hurt…she tried to make it work…but he would not stop cheating. So Yes, she did win in the divorce. She realized her mistake and ended it instead of staying married for 30+ years to a serial cheater who could in the end bring her home a disease. She is far from damaged! Some people that marry are not right for each other. Why force it?

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 12:32 PM | Link to this

ATLGuy the 1 yr was in reference to my child that was a year old at the time. I was married for 4 yrs, with my ex for 8. Marriage is work and change. I do understand why I got married and I also understand why I got a divorce. And yes, things can change that much in a year. I did all that I could and when the situation still wasnt right I took steps to rectify it. The situation was no longer about me or what others may think or going my someone else’s standard of what I should do. Everyone has a breaking point, even in a marriage.

But why am I bothering to explain this….you have your opinion and I have my experience

By Kym aka Lady Sage

July 16, 2008 12:36 PM | Link to this

Foots If you meet a woman (or a man for that matter) who has never experienced any type of emotional pain, you’ll be the only one.

This statement reminds me of that song “NO PAIN NO GAIN” “In order to get something you got to go through something.”

I am just a firm believer that in order to grow as a person you have to go through something. I was reading something one time..and the author was talking about trees and forest fires..he was explaining how while the fire is tragic..it is also how new life is created in the forest. Everything in life has to go through something in order to grow and progress and to think you are going to meet someone who has never known pain and they will be ideal is well..nuts. How are u going to know if they are battle ready if they have never had a battle? And let me tell u in any relationship there is going to be a battle or some small fights.

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 12:40 PM | Link to this

ATLGuy Whatever…makes me sick their kids see this celebration of not having their dad around. Now slow down homey, this isnt the case for every situation. Dont get TV mixed up with reality. Also you never know what the person has endured. If you dont agree with the celebration, thats cool. No one knows the true state of a marriage but the people in it. And sometimes, the kids are all for their parents getting a divorce.

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 12:43 PM | Link to this

Oops, sorry ARed, should have stated if you get to that point you’ll understand :-(!

By mytwocents

July 16, 2008 12:46 PM | Link to this

Melo That’s a lack of respect issue I bet was evident before they said their vows. She’s young in age & in the mind too.

ATL Guy That’s your p.o.v. @ mid twenties and you have a right to it. But circumstances and just life may have you re-evaluating your non-negotiables in 5 to 10 yrs.

Cemeeli It’s such a chilling reality and I’m so sorry you saw it first hand. Was that here & looking back did it always seem like a precarious situation? I’m always worried that sumthin crazy will happen if/when I don’t express reservations bout a serious negative vibe but the scapegoating fear stays in the back of my mind. But I’d feel sooo guilty… I do believe tho that anything i can catch onto as a casual bystander to a relationship is sumthin that’s already been noted and tryna get ignored. To someone’s deadtriment is right. How are you healing? This is also why it’s important to be CIVIL & HUMANE when disentangling. Worst case scenario, please let’s bring back the art of cursing each other the bleep out! There’s beauty in being alive to tell the story.

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 12:46 PM | Link to this

I’m seeing this from a different perspective…I just turned 26 so I don’t know many females that have been divorced. There are enough people around my age that have never been married for me to go after.

I disagree that Divorce is a one person thing and you can only control yourself. Being married is a team situation and if someone isn’t feeling the passion anymore, find out how to get that spark back together by being proactive.

I’m off to Lunch…

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 12:47 PM | Link to this

SexyLeggs - You know I loves ya!

By The Truth

July 16, 2008 12:47 PM | Link to this

Atl Guy you’re hopping from woman to woman damaging them then think when you “meet the one” you’ll be “all in”. You won’t. A wandering heart before the nuptials is a wandering heart after. You sound like some of these chicks saying “‘m going to sling azz then when I meet wonderboy I’ll be wify wify”. It doesn’t work like that. If you slung azz you did it because it brought you some kind of pleasure. When things go bad in your relationship, and they will go bad, you go back to what you know and what you are. Some do it before the divorce and some after. Also, you can damage a chick just as much from doing what you do as a cat that married her. So stop sounding like your 26 and come into the real world where divorces happen and sometimes it’s a good thing.

By melo

July 16, 2008 12:53 PM | Link to this

She’s young in age & in the mind too, mytwo,right about that…..

By Alvin

July 16, 2008 12:55 PM | Link to this

Dan we were on the 9th and plus I’ve been shot before so, I wasn’t all too worried about being killed…But:

Young man/ found nude/ shot/ in Buckhead

Isn’t what I want on the police report or news headlined by Wise’s folks.

Mo Ys, the work load is heavy today

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 12:56 PM | Link to this

Well, Atl Guy, I am with you on celebrating in front to the children (no matter their age). I would never do that. You may also find this hard to believe…I don’t talk negative about her father to her or around her. Her feelings are very important to me and I have to respect the fact that she loves her father. Once a month on any given Sunday when I cook one of my southern Sunday dinners, I fix a plate for her and her father so she can have dinner w/him. Just something she likes to do. Yes, he benefits by getting a home cooked meal but the long-term benefit for her outweigh the fact that he’s getting some damn good food!!!

By Kym aka Lady Sage

July 16, 2008 1:01 PM | Link to this

YOU ARE INVITED!!!!

You are invited to the post-divorce-Thank Goodness that’s Over party of Mr. Tyrone Jenkins.

Come out and help Ty celebrate finally kicking that bytch to the curb!!!

By Alvin

July 16, 2008 1:03 PM | Link to this

Guerilla Pimpin

I once had a friend who would make women drink water out of a toilet bowl if they came up short, too funny.

By Foots aka Giraffe

July 16, 2008 1:03 PM | Link to this

Mo And sometimes, the kids are all for their parents getting a divorce.

This was my situation. I was split between feeling happy that there was no more fighting and sad because I was missing my dad. Happy won out. I was 7 at the time they got divorced, and the most exciting thing to me was being able to have two households to call my own. My dad moved into an apartment that was upstairs. I was more excited about playing on those stairs and actually sleeping in an apartment on a pull-out sofa bed than you could even imagine. I didn’t even miss him all that much at home and I was the biggest daddy’s girl around. It was the adventure of having that second home that did it for me.

The added bonus was, my mother was not so stressed out about their marriage anymore. Her hair started growing back. Nothing much changed about my life. I even got to blame the divorce when I acted up in school to avoid getting in trouble. It was all good. LOL

By Lady Lurker

July 16, 2008 1:07 PM | Link to this

Mytwocents

Actually, I can’t fugg someone just to fugg someone. I have to be into them. Women (us) are weird like that.

For Real You nasty!

The Truth Thanks!

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 1:08 PM | Link to this

mytwo listen before the death of Tammy i was like you. Worried that something crazy can happen for lacking having the same love for someone that has expressed love to me and might go nuts. But then neither is that may fault. We obviously can control ppl feelings. In my girls case no one saw any signs that he would go nuts, or that they were ever headed literally ‘til death do us part’. It did make the News even in her hometown and the AJC followed it all the way up to court. She left behind a son, at the time was 7years old and yes he was very much able to understand what he saw and heard. He’s now being rasied by his father.

Healing? Years later now over mosttimes i simply reflect on her & how she was a sweetheart. I try not to think about how/when the death of her.

By Wilderbeast

July 16, 2008 1:15 PM | Link to this

Sexy/Mo knowing the type of dudes y’all were married to…I would have hired some male strippers (Truth,Melo,Demi and For real) for y’all.

Ladies feel free to take home one of the strippers

By Alvin

July 16, 2008 1:18 PM | Link to this

abc aren’t you getting tired of dating women who could be your daughters by now?

It has been two years since I’ve left dem young girls alone.

By Binford2K8

July 16, 2008 1:20 PM | Link to this

Whattup Blogfolk?

ON TOPIC: I had one relationship where it was incredibly tough to get over because the rug was yanked out. Here I was, all in love, and then she’s done - and really with no explanation. Which is bad when you are a few years down the road when you are about to plan a wedding. Lack of closure is really what took time to get over.

Reminds me of the scene in Th Wedding Singer where Linda comes back the day after she bailed on the wedding, and explains to Robbie (Adam Sandler) her reasons, to which he responds: “Once again, things that could’ve been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!”

By QC

July 16, 2008 1:23 PM | Link to this

Hey BK smooches ;)

LOL @ Kym

By Blue Kolla

July 16, 2008 1:24 PM | Link to this

The best thing that I got out of the divorce was peace of mind.

Kym This is my friday!!! Yippee!! 4 wonderful days with my family.

…guess SO-dude don’t get a call ‘til monday ha? LOL J/K

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 1:25 PM | Link to this

Wilderbeast silly, what’s the new song title by MaryJ and BigBoi? meant to ask you earlier

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 1:27 PM | Link to this

Lack of closure is really what took time to get over.

Binford - Amen. That’s what I kept crying about when my college sweetheart was done with me cold turkey.

It was in that “Breakup Cause It’s Broken” book where the author said “he left you, and didn’t have the balls to explain why, what more closure do you need?” (paraphrasing). I had moved on by then, but I sure could have used that advice when I was blowing up the phone at his mamas house!

LMAO @ the Wedding Singer scene. Too funny.

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 1:33 PM | Link to this

Foots, that’s basically what I’m going through. My child knows the divorce was necessary and understands. She loves the fact that she has two homes to share. One w/rules and one w/only a few. The level of stress is non-existent, and Atl Guy, I’m not talking about not working with the ups and downs of life. I’m talking about over a decade of nothing but “hot mess” situations!

By mytwocents

July 16, 2008 1:37 PM | Link to this

Aww, Cee that’s why we gotta cherish every single day. I worry for others more than me cuz I mostly stop it b4 it starts. But w/ those who think they can change him, use lotta off tones, emasculating commenta once fed up… It does not help a situation. Not that sweet avoids it either cuz u never know w/ some folk’s logic. Like on Snapped, most of them haven’t really snapped. They calmly plot, planned and carried out their ‘solution’.

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 1:37 PM | Link to this

mytwo the guy was abusive before literally going nuts that is. I left that out. Who knew? only her.

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 1:40 PM | Link to this

I love you too, ARed.

Alvin, he’s only 26. Why would he want to start dating older women at such a tenderoni stage??

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 1:43 PM | Link to this

divorcee’s and single mothers are the easiest to get entangled with. they are the ones that fall the hardest. i try to divert away from them, but can’t always. i should issue a disclaimer before engaging, but i don’t. ROFLMAO

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 1:44 PM | Link to this

There were several times during my childhood that I knew my own parents weren’t happy and there were times my sisters and I just figured they should divorce. However, I’m glad they did not. Having my Dad there everyday and being able to provide his input and direction at all times is priceless to me. Of course, my dad was not a trifling man, so having them there was better than not having him there. Maybe my parents sacrificed their own happiness for the sake of their children, but I am glad they made the decision to do so.

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 1:47 PM | Link to this

SAMIAM, best to say some divorcee’s and single mothers….

By Dan

July 16, 2008 1:48 PM | Link to this

ATL should stay away from older women…

that’s who ruined me…

after an older woman gets through treating you how they treat a man, no woman near your age can compare. (And I got turned out at 18)

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 1:48 PM | Link to this

that’s why we gotta cherish every single day.

…and be not moved or swayed allowing the negative time or space in your mind and spirit. just sayin’

mytowcents you have reminded me of my “position” many times. Lol @ you telling me revisiting some things are gonna cause the gluteus maximus to swell. tanks on E

By Jamoca

July 16, 2008 1:52 PM | Link to this

Hello, Everybody!….

@ “I think the harder you loved the person, the harder it is to really say good bye…”

Much to my own dismay, this was the case (long time ago….whew!)…as mentioned here before I believe; and although it took quite some time (though we were not married) to accept the demise of our relationship, I have great respect and appreciation for my journey, and would not take a dayum thang away from it!..(.not uh one). I refer to that one as “The Relationship of Feast or Famine”…(as someone here stated awhile back)…when things were good, “it was on”….but when times got a little too rough, the shyt was awwwfuuuullll)…though I knew this was not how it was supposed to be, I found myself fighting for the balance we once had, and after a while, I began to notice he lived for those long “passion-filled fury” of love-makin sessions “due to him” in the end….(smh)…

Now, of course I believe, one does not have to necessarily go through or experience some horrible ordeal in order to know if the situation you’re deciding to enter is an unhealthy one (for instance, watching by observation of others). This is where a whole lot of speculations, assumptions or that “if it were me…I’d yada, yada, yada” rants come into play… however, I’m simply stating that one does gain a broader understanding, a deeper appreciation, and much “thicker skin” for whatever journey they’ve endured. I do not believe there can be found one single person, that has not been through “a great trial” of their own…b/c one man’s trial, could be looked at as another’s man’s playground…and what he has been able to endure, may come off as a situation that was dayum near impossible to recover - for another….

…and as I’ve said before, too many folks nowaday, seek out the victory of a battle fought well, and actually think they’re supposed to come up out of it WITHOUT any “scars” in the process of healing….(yeah, ya’ girl went a little to the left with that one…)

Sup MyTwo Ching-a-ling (tryin’ this again)…Hey Blue and “DaBeast’…LOL!

Cee…I know you’re really doing the count down, now…enjoy the reunion, sis!…and try all ya’ can to keep ya’ mind busy (b/c girl you’re kind of glowin’ over there…nahhhh…I’m sure you’d rather keep ya’ mind at ease these days, while gazin’ over the open sea…as I told ya’ before, one is all it will take, b/c without even tryin, he just IS (as well as yourself)…. Um, um, um…I know you’ll be sure to take a firm hold to moments such as these…what else can I say about two great minds (smile)…

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 1:54 PM | Link to this

after an older woman gets through treating you how they treat a man, no woman near your age can compare. (And I got turned out at 18)

So Dan, why not just stick with the older women and call it a day?

By Beautiful Panther

July 16, 2008 1:57 PM | Link to this

mood today adored. having good friends is awesome!

sexy the check is in the mail girlfriend.

i have to co-sign raqi on most of her first post.

LL good questions.

slim thanks for that. i too wished i wasn’t so emotional.

my ex was my first true love. i still love him … and miss him a great deal. only you guys know this. i don’t dare say or show my feelings about him to my fam or friends. they will either feel sorry for me or say go for it. i don’t want either. he did for me what no other man has done. everything i wanted, he made dayum sure i got it. i don’t feel hurt anymore. that’s pretty much gone. i just miss my lil family. we had our issues, but my sons had a father. that was important to me (a two parent home). if you met me on the street, you would never know. i hide it so well. and that’s the way i want people to see me as … happy go lucky. not depressed, lonely, frustrated. living in GA moved me along pretty well. i did a great thing by leaving CA for a minute. BUT i have a challenge coming up that you guys will read about next month. can anyone guess? yes, he will bring my pumpkin home to start school (jr. spends the whole summer with him and his wife, yippee!) and i have to see my ex’s face. it’s been a loooooooong time. i think the last time i seen him was feb 2006. i have been gearing up for it. will i go outside and greet him? with a hug? or will i stay in the house and let him drive away w/o looking out the window? what would you do? oh, and another thing, he married her about nine months after i moved to GA. we played this high school game of you hurt me (moving to GA), then imma hurt you back (marrying the skank i cheated with).

anyhoo … i hope that when i meet Mr. B, that i’m giving him 100% of my heart. if i feel like i’m not, i will prolly seek counseling for a short period of time (two to three sessions) so he/she can help me to totally let go. it’s only fair.

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 2:03 PM | Link to this

Ms. Sexy Leggs

let’s say “almost all”, instead of “some” which is closer to being accurate. k, sugarlump!!!

By Alvin

July 16, 2008 2:05 PM | Link to this

SexyLeggs I think I made that comment toward abc…I think

Dan them mature chicks have their good and bad as well…Mostly good in my case.

Hey Jamo and QC

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 2:06 PM | Link to this

Jamoca dayum girl, you just trying to take a girl to crocodile tears huh? LUV IT Sweetie i tell you, your man is gonna love sittin’ and suppin’ with you. :-)

Taken ole Cee from riding off into the sunset to gazing over the big blue. All up in my subconcious.

Am i really glowing?

By Dan

July 16, 2008 2:06 PM | Link to this

@ARed

In the end,I was too selfish (her words) and too young (her words after an argument with her friends).

In retrospect, she was right, I was young-minded and young acting and she taught me a lot…if it weren’t for the age difference, and what it means now, I’d probably be back at her.

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 2:08 PM | Link to this

Foots I could see the improvement in my baby’s demeanor as soon as me & hubby split. He became the carefree child he should have been. I also lost hair and weight, couldnt eat or sleep and hubby was losing weight, couldnt concentrate at work, etc. We benefited from the end of that situation. I was so worried about Lil Mo b/c I never thought young children could recognize that things werent kosher.

By Blue Kolla

July 16, 2008 2:09 PM | Link to this

Foots SAMIAM, best to say some divorcee’s and single mothers….

Jamo See’umza’in’? ^^^

Yeah Sam, you gotta disclaim e’rything you say in this muthafukka. Otherwise peeps like to take sh!t personal and get their feelings hurt.

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 2:12 PM | Link to this

Mo you think some kids want their parents to divorce!? What!?

I’m in the Real World…I am sorry I can’t justify having the Joys and pleasures that go along with Divorcing someone.

I am so tired of people taking the easy way out and not taking care of their responsibilies. Marriage is a choice, you aren’t forced into it, so if you decide to make the life long commitment then follow through. Things come up, things happen, I get it…but I’m tired of when there’s a problem people just say, lets just divorce.

That goes along with Abortion…you choose to hook up…you get pregnant….take care responsibility, own up. That goes for Guys and Females. Killing a fetus for a decision that you “regret” is not justified.

Own up to your decisions in life. Handle your Business

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 2:12 PM | Link to this

Dan - I didn’t mean her in particular. I meant older women in general. If they give you what you like maybe you shouldn’t date women your age. You’ve come a long way since 18.

By m'karyl

July 16, 2008 2:15 PM | Link to this

On topic

When it is over, it is over!!!! It is funny how every person that I was so emotionally attached/attracted to at some point came back into my life…and I was like WTF in the first place???? Whatever feelings I had at one point were gone for good as far as a relationship was concerned…

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 2:19 PM | Link to this

ATLGuy Read Foots 1:03 and SexyLeggs 1:33. I have some very close friends who wished their parents had divorced sooner than they did. One knew his father was cheating on his mother, even called is father’s mistress. Another witnessed his mother pull a gun on his dad after they’d had an argument on more than one occasion. Like I said, you just never know. I thought a lot like you and then reality and the real world hit. Sure you are supposed to fight for your relationship, but if your partner isnt willing to fight as well…..well you cant do it alone.

By Alvin

July 16, 2008 2:19 PM | Link to this

ATL Guy dude…not all things work out that way…I tell you what, come back in 10 years and say that mess again..some things just aren’t meant to be.

Mo hush.

By Dan

July 16, 2008 2:20 PM | Link to this

I still have crushes on older women, in fact that’s mostly who I date.

During this process, I tried dating women my age and younger and 95% of the time it didn’t work out (headspace ain’t right). With maturity comes a level of wisdom and that “fugg it”. All the petty ego arguments are gone, the whole process of “learning one’s self” is done and they are ready to have a real relationship, equality and reciprocity in every respect.

Plus, a relationship with a young girl right now wouldn’t be nothing but a sexual thing (and she prolly couldn’t handle it).

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 2:24 PM | Link to this

Again why marry such people Mo, I mean character traits are there.

You’re right, if its a violent situation like that or whatever…get out for sure. Thats extreme

By The Truth

July 16, 2008 2:24 PM | Link to this

Atl Guy sometimes handling your business means making a tough decision.

If you need closure you’re poor at following the road signs. You weren’t monitoring your mate.

By m'karyl

July 16, 2008 2:24 PM | Link to this

@ATL Guy

True enough ppl seem to think that a marriage committment comes with a quick disposal clause…I understand that ppl make some wrong choices and decisions about relationships…and far too many seem to think that divorice is a ready made solution if the relationship is having difficulities…

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 2:25 PM | Link to this

Blue you have a cool and broad personality and i understand your tact. I thought you were being funny w/ Cee’s Translator, so i intentionally responded as “touched”. Tone didn’t come across well i see. maybe i am on some mo’ stuff I’d hope you didn’t think when i responded i was sensative ‘bout your comment. neverthat bruh

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 2:26 PM | Link to this

Naw, I’m gonna stay with my some.

By Dan

July 16, 2008 2:29 PM | Link to this

^^^^ to CeeMee and that 2:25,

that’s grown right there!

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 2:31 PM | Link to this

BK, I put that some there not because I was taking it personally, but that there are a lot of women out there. There are probably more bitter ones than happy ones after a divorce and their shell would be a hard one to crack. A hardened woman is not likely to fall easily as SAMIAM my love bunny seems to imply.

By m'karyl

July 16, 2008 2:32 PM | Link to this

@Cemeeli

FYI…I will have my semi-precious stone jewelry line @ www.designedforme.com by 9/1/08. I will be featuring original necklaces and eyeglass chains made from an assortment of semi-precious stones and sterling silver…just in time for the Xmas buying season…

By m'karyl

July 16, 2008 2:32 PM | Link to this

@Cemeeli

FYI…I will have my semi-precious stone jewelry line @ www.designedforme.com by 9/1/08. I will be featuring original necklaces and eyeglass chains made from an assortment of semi-precious stones and sterling silver…just in time for the Xmas buying season…

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 2:33 PM | Link to this

and far too many seem to think that divorice is a ready made solution if the relationship is having difficulities…

Very true M’Karyl. Looking at the long term marriage in my family, sometime the storm is temporary. You never know unless you actually ride it out and come thru the other side.

Let’s be real, most of the reasons for divorce are purely selfish these days. You got bored, or you felt unspported or the fairytale in your head didn’t translate to real life.

If you truly couldn’t stand to be around the person or you truly have a trifling mate, you probably knew it on your wedding day. Just admit you didn’t know the gravity of your decision until you made it. You probably could have stuck it out, and simply chose not to.

By Alvin

July 16, 2008 2:34 PM | Link to this

Mo Mayne!! The pimp hand is out on your side, huh?

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 2:34 PM | Link to this

Atl Guy, in your 26 years of living, you still have a lot to learn. Yes, some kids want their parents to divorce. You’re on the surface looking in. Take away those people who look at a divorce as a way out. There are a lot, I mean a lot that have done it all to make a marriage work. After a while you truly get tired of place that square into a round hold. The shapes have forever altered and then there’s no turning back. Next phase. Not trying to be callous about it, but things change and there truly is no going back. Again, you’re wrong here….some folk ARE forced into marriage. Even in 2008!

By Blue Kolla

July 16, 2008 2:40 PM | Link to this

Panther You don’t need any counseling. I think that you need to meet dude on the curb with an apology and a pledge of forgiveness (which actually does more for you by the way). Then forgive yourself for not forgiving him and trying harder… and move on.

All’at walking around wearing masks will make you a mean azz old lady and/or put you in a box well before your time.

Ceeeeee… I’d hope you didn’t think when i responded i was sensative ‘bout your comment.

You thought that I took offense at your translation?! Yeah, you(‘re) trippin’! LOL But for real doh, you be losing me sometimes. ;)

By m'karyl

July 16, 2008 2:40 PM | Link to this

@AmazonRed

Amen…I too come from a family community of long term committments in both my parents and grandparents generations…there were so few divorces in those groups…40, 50, 60, 70 years of marriage…and I know my moms was a piece of work that was whacky…I think far too many ppl look at the shallow and the superficial aspects of marriage and not the long haul concerns…a mother of a childhood friend once told me (as she did her daughter before she married a man she was not suited to be with) that a good piece of arse does not a marriage good make…and for so many ppl that is the motivator to the altar…

By Jamoca

July 16, 2008 2:41 PM | Link to this

@ Blue:

…and you don’t think you’re NOT tactless at times…and she’s (Foots)isn’t wrong, either…

and who said anything about feelings, but YOU?…Blog does not = feelings…now look who’s thriving off of emotion -vs- logic?…

Utilizing disclaimers, will keep ya’ from having to therefore explain yourself and/or keep down confusion, unless confusion is the desired effect…if so, try me on somethin’ else, some other time…today just ain’t it, baybeh…(now sippin’ on my vanilla spiced chai latte…)

…like I’ve mentioned to you before, I absolutely love straight up menfolk…even w/ a little sting is fine by Mocha…at times it makes it all the more real, just be accurate when you step up in here…since none of us “know ALL”, we can only say “SOME”…

…or do you dare say ALL of the divorcees and/or single mothers YOU know?!…b/c we both know, you’d still be off base with that one (lookin’ atcha’ real c**-eyed, right now, fugg the sideways glance)…(lol)…

However, if that is what the man is sayin’ based on who/what he has come in contact with, then HIS opinion could possibly be accurate….

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 2:43 PM | Link to this

sexyLeggs ok maybe Indian Arranged marriages, you’re forced into it…lets be for real.

You can talk about how I don’t know anything because I’m 26 etc etc. How about this, give me an ounce of credit of actually having some moral stability to take accountability and make the effort.

Instead of saying “well things change, its happens…” take a look at why you even married the person in the first place!? I mean signs are there. Be Mature and make it work. Especially if you have kids….at least make it work for the kids. If you weren’t that in love in the first place, why bring kids into the mix.

Show me some Accountability & ownership of decisions made

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

July 16, 2008 2:45 PM | Link to this

Mo And sometimes, the kids are all for their parents getting a divorce This rings true my cousins have been saying for like 15 + years that they wish their parents would get divorced already. They got tired of the tension and the argurments. They were miserable…but all that matters is that they stuck it out for better or for worse (According to ATL Guy). The kids actually got the worse!

ATL Guy find out how to get that spark back together by being proactive You can’t get blood from a turnip honey! If the passion is gone there is no way fo getting it back. Passion is not only physical. There are many reasons you mentally/emotionally lose your connection to the person. A woman’s heart is like a vault….once you are out…you are out! Once I lose the love for a guy…it never comes back.

Sexyleggs Where’s my dinner?

Binford Where you been?

I feel you on the lack of closure. It’s open wound that never fully closes!

ATL Guy Though I have never been married…I have seen how they guy is one way when they are dating. But when they get married, the guy changes for the worse. Some guys start to feel trapped and have to know if they still got it so they go out and do a little harmless flirting. Then it gets out of control and next thing you know he’s got a trail of h0es! Sorry…2 things I can not forgive is infidelity or putting your hands on me. I will divorce a guy for those two things.

By Foot2Azz

July 16, 2008 2:47 PM | Link to this

O.K. Sexy Leggs I’m trying to follow you here … how are some people forced into marriage? I know of some dudes who had the ultimatum placed on them by a woman and caved in. All of them are miserable right now of course, but they still made the decision to get married. No one holds a gun to your head and says Marry ME OR Die Bytch!

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 2:47 PM | Link to this

ATLGuy You wont understand the situation so I wont bother to try and explain. There are plenty of folks that get married with great intentions, then life happens. People grow and change period, the fact that you are married doesnt stop that. Not saying that is an excuse for divorce but you never know what you can handle til the situation presents itself. Its easy to say I would fight for my marriage when you arent in one. Also you have to remember as you stated, its a team effort and their is no “I” in team. You cant save your marriage by yourself and a lot of times that is the case.

By Blue Kolla

July 16, 2008 2:48 PM | Link to this

Leggs A hardened woman is not likely to fall easily as SAMIAM my love bunny seems to imply.

I’m gon’ have to go with Sam on this one. If you’re the type of dude that can sit up and lullaby a chick, yeah she’ll fall.

It’s like a small kid that doesn’t want to take a nap. If you rock and lullaby his azz, he can whine, cry, and fidget all he wants, but his azz is going to sleep.

By Jamoca

July 16, 2008 2:49 PM | Link to this

@ Cee:

Yes…you sure are….

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 2:49 PM | Link to this

If the passion is gone there is no way fo getting it back.

Aw Staceye what a defeatist attitude! I don’t think your statement is necessarily true. If it was present before, it most certainly can exist again. It might take forgiveness or counseling or getting back to basics.

By Dan

July 16, 2008 2:51 PM | Link to this

Sorry to interrupt…

But I just made an Isley Brother station on Pandora and they’ve been playing grown folks music all day!!!!

…please continue….

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 2:51 PM | Link to this

Hold up! I don’t want to play the “semantics” game with you but I not once said you didn’t know anything. I said you still have a lot to learn…there’s a huge difference there honey lips! I give you more than an ounce of credit. Here’s a forehead kiss (these mean a lot). You’re right, signs are usually there in the beginning and those asking for the divorce finally took the rose colored glasses off after “being mature and trying to make it work.” Remember it takes 2 to make a marriage work…can’t do it by yourself no matter how hard you try. Plain and simple.

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 2:52 PM | Link to this

Leggy Pooh

well, my take is this, they feeling slighted, disenfranchised, lonely and rejected, so a smooth,sliky cat like myself who pays attention, listens, makes them laugh, treats’em good can crack the shell in lightin’ speed majority of time, if he chooses too. and that’s without even trynna to get the draws.

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 2:54 PM | Link to this

Staceye When one of my friends told me he wished is parents would divorce I was floored!

Alvin now you know they are working us to death ova here!! :0) I have to blog to get a breather!!

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 2:55 PM | Link to this

Blue = not offended. Okay cool. And so i confuse you sometimes aye?…hehehe, So!

m’karyl i have saved your BUSINESS addy in my Outlook notes. CONGRATULATIONS!!!

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 2:55 PM | Link to this

Mo quit trying to explain it to me because I’m getting tired of your justification of why “its just life” and it “just didn’t work”.

Own Up…if you have kids involved especially…its worth the effort to fight for it to make it work. Takes 2 correct, but why marry such a bum in the first place who’s not even willing to make the effort or be a team player

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 2:57 PM | Link to this

SAMIAM - You just might end up like Marcus Graham in the movie “Boomerang.” Without the happily ever after with Halle Berry in the end. LOL Just messing w/ ya.

By noname

July 16, 2008 2:58 PM | Link to this

ATL guy

*Mo you think some kids want their parents to divorce!? What!?

I’m in the Real World…I am sorry I can’t justify having the Joys and pleasures that go along with Divorcing someone.*

some kids do. seriously i have a friend in her late 20’s who still thinks her mom should divorce her dad (the mom has indirectly in that she and my friends dad live in different homes in different states but legally they are married) Growing up they were put in a hard place…dad would leave them in the car when he stopped by a girlfriends house or sometimes they meet the women and then of course they were told “dont tell your mama”. In those situations its definitely best to divorce no need to teach the kids that its okay to treat or be treated like that.

BTW…this friend has her own list of man problems now, wondered where she learned to tolerate some things? hmmmmm

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 3:00 PM | Link to this

whistling

If you rock and lullaby his azz, he can whine, cry, and fidget all he wants, but his azz is going to sleep.

and he’s back

By Dan

July 16, 2008 3:02 PM | Link to this

Listen ATL is entitled to his opinion…no matter how wrong he is…

Can we all just agree that it takes some experience with a certain set of conditions to understand each other’s points of view…and leave it at that, y’all are blowing my Pandora high…now cut it out!

By m'karyl

July 16, 2008 3:02 PM | Link to this

@Cemeeli

Thanks…I will be shooting some pix for the website next week…I will send you a sneak preview of what I will be posting…mostly coral, onyx, turquoise, amber, lapiz, etc…fyi, the site is for any artist of designer who wants to market their original works of art and design…I am really excited…

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 3:02 PM | Link to this

ATL Guy - Hold up. You are very late. Mo said this way back at 9:23 this morning:

I wanted my child to have a two parent household like the one I grew up in, but I wasnt willing to do it by any means necessary

I consider that owning up and I personally respect the heck out of it.

Before you challange, make sure the question isn’t already out there!

By Beautiful Panther

July 16, 2008 3:04 PM | Link to this

BK thanks babe!

jeezus, i’m glad i didn’t get married.

atl guy shuddup! lol. you still wet behind the ears. you know nothing, trust me.

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 3:08 PM | Link to this

ATLGuy you win. You know everything. All you have to do is work it out yourself and the you and the kids will be fine in your marriage b/c you are fighting. You nor your spouse will ever change and you recognized all existing charatcer flaws and decided you could deal. Your kids can see you miserable, hear you argue and want for you to be happy but you and the unhappy spouse will stay for the sake of the kids. Sounds great to me. Spending family time in the counselors office is the best! Afterall, you stuck it out for the sake of the kids. They will most certainly appreciate seeing you unhappy and knowing that no matter what you stayed together

WTF-ever…..

Alvin 6pm aint coming fast enough!! :0)

ARed you can get passion back but you have to do some damage control. We talked on here before about how people check out of a relationship: emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. Once you get to that emotional aspect, its hard to comeback around. Not impossible but very hard

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 3:09 PM | Link to this

i’m in love with m’karyl’s subconcious. Lol the colors and gems sound great.

By noname

July 16, 2008 3:09 PM | Link to this

ATLGUY

*Instead of saying “well things change, its happens…” take a look at why you even married the person in the first place!? I mean signs are there. Be Mature and make it work. Especially if you have kids….at least make it work for the kids. If you weren’t that in love in the first place, why bring kids into the mix.

Show me some Accountability & ownership of decisions made *

ITA that nowadays most ppl divorce for convenience. I do believe its wrong to divorce b/c you just got tired of the person, b/c its not like you thought it would be, b/c its harder than you thought, b/c its not all peaches and cream. However, some ppl do change after marriage (and some ppl are really the same, but they are just new to you b/c you failed/refused to see that side of them) and at that point you can be in a marriage alone. you can do everything you can and yes you can stay married but the other person may chose to do what they want to do (cheat, ignore you, abuse you, etc) for the rest of their life and you will be hurting all that time. The question is “is that your punishement (so to speak) for choosing to marry the wrong person?” thats up to the person

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 3:09 PM | Link to this

I got your drift luscious one, my only stance was that it wouldn’t be easy, didn’t say they wouldn’t fall…hell we all fall at some point!

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 3:13 PM | Link to this

This blog is a bit skewed because it’s full of divorcees that are happy with their decision (as they should be). We don’t have a strong representation of marries that decided to stick it out or divorcees that regret getting divorced.

My point is there is more than one way to skin this cat and what is the right decision may not have been the best decision. You may never know until it’s all said and done or until your kid writes tell all book about you. LOL

By Beautiful Panther

July 16, 2008 3:14 PM | Link to this

if you really want to be set free, and experience restoration, you’ve got to be in Him, because your healing comes in the Sabbath rest. your healing comes in Christ Jesus!

hi Alvin, Rell where you at?, mytwo!

By Nikki

July 16, 2008 3:16 PM | Link to this

Here’s my advice to you:

Love yourself enough to leave someone that is not loving you the way you deserve to be loved. Love is an action word! I prefer someone to show me how much they love me and maybe not say it as much than to say it all the time but treat me like dirt. If the bad outweighs the good, you have more down days than you do up days and this person is not adding to your happiness, then let them go. If this person always has a way of making you feel bad about yourself, your life, the relationship, then you should definitely take it for what it’s worth. If you want more, you have to demand more. A way of demanding more is by showing the person that you are not going to stick around for less. You don’t have to settle!

It will hurt to leave someone you really love, but what helped me get through it was this one question I had to ask myself. Who do I love more? Do I love him more than I love myself or the other way around. I chose me and I have not looked back since.

One thing people need to understand is when we are involved with someone who is not loving us and treating us well as a result we end up putting a ton of stress in our lives.
This type of stress leads to more serious problems like depression, low self-esteem, anxiety and actually has an impact on our whole being (physical, mental and emotional health). Who needs this mess from a significant other when we can get it from work, bills and other areas in our lives. You want someone who makes you feel good about you, living and the choice you made to be with them. Don’t accept anything less than that.

Women stop giving your all to men and loving them to death. Let them chase you and love you to death.

A wise woman once told me to marry a man that loves me a lot more than I love him and I couldn’t go wrong. This doesn’t mean to abuse, use or marry him for the wrong reason, but at least you can let him earn your love. In time, your love will grow, but he’ll be happy either way because he loves you.

I hope this helps!

Nikki

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 3:17 PM | Link to this

awww someone brought me a ‘nana puddin’ Jamoca i’m not gon eat it. One thing Cee don’t do is caseroles and such that i did not see get made. Hayo no!

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 3:17 PM | Link to this

*…BTW…this friend has her own list of man problems now, wondered where she learned to tolerate some things? ^5 noname. My point. It’s a double edge sword when children are involved. What are you teaching them by staying? This answer is different for everyone. My cons outweighed my pros in teaching her strength, character, love of self, respect and recognizing the time has come to let go!

OK darling, I understand your strong stance on staying, but what is your stance on when you should leave (don’t need to answer this now)? I think we’ve blogged long enough about negative aspect of divorce. Sorry folk, but sweet potatoe pie wanted to let me know his opinion (LOL).

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 3:20 PM | Link to this

They will most certainly appreciate seeing you unhappy and knowing that no matter what you stayed together

Mo, sometimes they will. It’s life, you won’t always be happy.

My parents have stayed together in “good times and bad” and it the very least it’s taught me to honor your promises and commitments. There is collective love for their family and what they built together. They both certainly enjoyed the high times, and they have proven to grit their teeth through the lows.

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 3:20 PM | Link to this

ARed LMAO @ your 3:13. I have known some that stuck it out through infidelity and they did say that it was hella work, sacrifice but more importantly they both wanted it. I am sure my parents had their share of moments but they worked it out.

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 3:21 PM | Link to this

Dan You can say I’m so wrong or whatever…please. I am being broad with my point of view on marriage. Every marriage has its own situations which define. I understand. If me saying that some accountability and more effort needs to be made by both guys and females in a marriage & you have a problem with that…then thats on you. You said yourself you needed to be more mature in your marriage. Thats exactly my point.

Amazon you are right, I didn’t see the previous post for Mo. My bad…I respect the hell out of that too

Beautiful - you are so ridiculous to tell me to shut up and that I know nothing by me saying “Take Responsibility”. Looks like you are the one who has no freakin clue

By m'karyl

July 16, 2008 3:22 PM | Link to this

@ Demigod33

I will be 48 in Sept…and I made up my mind at 26 that I never wanted to be married…and 22 years later, I am very pleased with my decision…no regrets…and no messy divorces either…a good track record if I say so myself…I know that I am emotionally selfish when it comes to my personal space and allowing the needs of the other to have a equitable concern when juxtaposed to my own best interest…and I am ok with that…

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 3:24 PM | Link to this

not all things will go your way bay…I see cats in your future.

Demi - Of course things won’t always go my way. Duh. And nowhere did I indicate otherwise.

If there are cats in my future, I guarantee you that I’ll be happy. I’ve made the commitment to myself to be happy no matter where life takes me. In addition, I’d rather be alone than to get married for the sake of being married. Single life does not suck in my opinion.

By noname

July 16, 2008 3:24 PM | Link to this

ARed

This blog is a bit skewed because it’s full of divorcees that are happy with their decision (as they should be). We don’t have a strong representation of marries that decided to stick it out or divorcees that regret getting divorced

I think most divorees regret that their marraige failed, however its possible to feel that and not regret divorcing. I think ATLGuy is missing that it wasn’t a first choice for most. i believe most (but certainly not all)ppl believed they did everything they could.

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 3:25 PM | Link to this

Nikki, your post reminded me of Tamia’s* song “I Chose Me”. Beautiful lyrics, but I can’t find them.

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

July 16, 2008 3:26 PM | Link to this

ARed They will most certainly appreciate seeing you unhappy and knowing that no matter what you stayed together what I meant by this is when you all stay together and decide to leave the situation as is instead of trying to improve it, work it out. When you work things out, of course your kids will appreciate that. But when you stay just to say you stayed but you cheat/lie/etc then how can your kids appreciate or respect that?

By Alvin

July 16, 2008 3:28 PM | Link to this

Beautiful Panther girl, your name has me thinking of going Discovery Channel, LOL

SexyL. I know li’legg will thank you for leaving his a$$, as she get older.

By Wise Diva

July 16, 2008 3:29 PM | Link to this

wow, Nikki! I am sending you a big cyber hug for your comment! applause

By Beautiful Panther

July 16, 2008 3:29 PM | Link to this

atl guy little boy, you are too young to say anything on this matter. i was there! i left because i want more (not things). and again shuddup! and speak only on what you know.

hair flip.

By noname

July 16, 2008 3:33 PM | Link to this

ARED

Mo, sometimes they will. It’s life, you won’t always be happy. My parents have stayed together in “good times and bad” and it the very least it’s taught me to honor your promises and commitments. There is collective love for their family and what they built together. They both certainly enjoyed the high times, and they have proven to grit their teeth through the lows.

I believe this is probably true for the majority of marriages. but a certain percentage have bad times, not just the regular ups and downs of a marriage, some couples stay down and never come back up. In your situation it was a positive thing, but for others it could be a negative. I think everyone has to (and probably does) do what they think is best for the children and themselves. as least this way they can have no regrets.

Just curious, ATLGUY and others is it as important to stay in a bad (not not good but bad) relationship if no kids are involved? the kids seem to be the main reason ppl are staying stick together.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 3:36 PM | Link to this

But when you stay just to say you stayed but you cheat/lie/etc then how can your kids appreciate or respect that?

Mo - I got you know.

noname - I’m with you too.

Angie - Come on now…you were only playing house. You never made those vows in front of God and a host of witnesses. There is a big difference! You could have and should have left.

By m'karyl

July 16, 2008 3:37 PM | Link to this

In all fairness re: divorces…you have some ppl, say like Jennifer Lopez who is not even 40 and she has been married 3 times…Larry King…seven times…there are some ppl who use the ability to obtain a divorce like some ppl use soap to wash dishes…and this does not apply to everyone who has been married and then divorced…there are some ppl who make a mockery out of marriage because they did not marry to make a committment in the first place…

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 3:41 PM | Link to this

noname ARed said it best. There are too many happy divorcees on this blog. Same probably will hold true for why many stayed in their marriages because of the kids. I know I stayed 9 years too long because of our daughter. I’m just one of many who didn’t feel staying together for the kids was important anymore. I once thought it, but not anymore.

You know for those who stay through the ups and downs I commend all. The peaks and valleys are part of any marriage. However, when the valley gets deeper and deeper and there aren’t any, I mean any peaks what would you do. To merely exist for the illusion of being married is a travesty in itself. A slow death is occurring within you. Nope, some (there’s that word again) needed to come up for some air!

By Beautiful Panther

July 16, 2008 3:41 PM | Link to this

noname according to the court system, parents should stay together until the last child turns 18. kids come first. i say that’s a load of crapola. i come first. if mom isn’t happy, my sons aren’t happy. i’ve seen their faces.

By Dan

July 16, 2008 3:42 PM | Link to this

@ATL

uh…when have I said that I was married?….not the kid, not now not ever.

My thing about your statements are, that you’re still idealistic. You have this image of the world as you see it now, not necessarily what is or how it can be.

So, my friend, in this instance discretion can be the better part of valour as you don’t know why anyone’s marriage has failed and becuase you’ve yet to experience that loss, you can only speak on the theory. But keep that optimism and I hope you never do know that pain of loss

By noname

July 16, 2008 3:43 PM | Link to this

m’karyl

In all fairness re: divorces…you have some ppl, say like Jennifer Lopez who is not even 40 and she has been married 3 times…Larry King…seven times…there are some ppl who use the ability to obtain a divorce like some ppl use soap to wash dishes…and this does not apply to everyone who has been married and then divorced…there are some ppl who make a mockery out of marriage because they did not marry to make a committment in the first place

ITA to me this is different than divorcing b/c of cheating, lying, abuse, etc… this is divorcing b/c i don’t like you today

By Demigod33

July 16, 2008 3:43 PM | Link to this

A.Red in your posts you keep saying how BOTH your parents wanted to make their marriage work…not one. That is the difference…Mo/Sexy/blu had all rights to party.

m’karyl and I respect that…you know good and well our society looks down on married folks, LOL…Like you, I plan on saying single for a minute..unless Jamo’s twin shows up with the same brain she has. LOL.

By Beautiful Panther

July 16, 2008 3:45 PM | Link to this

ARed and your point is? i am not going to allow you to say that i don’t hurt as much as the next chick. be gone with that shyt girl!

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 3:47 PM | Link to this

Beautiful Panther calling me a little boy and telling me to shut up just shows how pathetic & childish you are.

What I’m saying are fundamentals for marriage. When you marry someone its because you can’t live without them, its serious you know. Will have tough times and have thoughts of “grass is greener” on the other side, but I’m off base by saying try to work it out!?

Its not fair for the kids especially. That right there should be enough to put the effort in and try to work through issues

By Jamoca

July 16, 2008 3:48 PM | Link to this

@ Cee:

It’s kind of funny you mention that…b/c I don’t eat a doggone thing given to me when dealing with folks in the workplace,…too many act like they’re scared of soap and water in the restroom and forever brushin’ away pet hair…uhhh, no!…LOL!!!…one woman, had the nerve to go into the breakroom and use one of the scouring brushes (mind you, used to wash/clean coffee mugs, dirty dishes, utensils, etc)…to brush her dog’s fur/hair from her pants suit, “nasteh heffa”…I just smh and walked off, talk about no common sense whatsoever or consideration for anyone else…

By Dan

July 16, 2008 3:48 PM | Link to this

There we go again…asking for peace and throwing bombs…

as the blog turns…

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 3:52 PM | Link to this

Demi - No where did I say they both wanted to make it work. I said they saw the bigger picture. I’m not privy to all the ups and downs of their marriage. I was their child. But I’m sure at certain points they didn’t share the same philosophy.

Angie - My point is that you said “I was there!” You were no more there than ATL Guy was really. We all know you hurt, but you have never experienced divorce. Just like I haven’t. Keep it in perspective.

By Blue Kolla

July 16, 2008 3:54 PM | Link to this

Jamo …that whole 2:41 song and dance…

Where you trying to phillibuster me?

LMAO @ Sam Leggy Pooh

Check this right here ^^^. See… Sam is the type of dude that’ll lullaby a chick. LOL

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 3:56 PM | Link to this

Dan I completely understand what you’re saying. I’m over people just dismissing any outlook of fundamentals calling it not realistic. It IS realistic. Its not one person at fault…its both.

I’m not speaking of everyone’s individual situation…I’m speaking of overall purpose. There are a million reasons why people choose to divorce. But, it frustrates me when people do it so easy or when half of the marriage are so immature they go running off cheating or whatever, not living up to their responsibilities or having accountability.

You bet your Azz I’m going to provide for my family, wish more could say the same

By Jamoca

July 16, 2008 3:57 PM | Link to this

@ MyTwo:

You’ve got mail, girlie…

By Beautiful Panther

July 16, 2008 3:57 PM | Link to this

ARed you know my story. tell me the difference between sexy’s divorce and mine.

By m'karyl

July 16, 2008 3:58 PM | Link to this

@Noname

Yes, those are quite different circumstances re: divorce issues…and I do not have a problem with the legitimate reasons for ending a relationship…and there are many…no one should remain in a marriage that does not support their best interest…I do not entertain any type of abuse and mistreatment…we can control ourselves as individuals…but we can not control others…

By Wise Diva

July 16, 2008 3:59 PM | Link to this

LOL @ Dan, ok!? i mean really, I am starting to think that people use this blog as a dumping ground for their misplaced anger and misguided frustrations, oh wait, I have always thought that, LOL! It’s ok, as long as we return to some level of blog normalcy. whew

By m'karyl

July 16, 2008 4:00 PM | Link to this

@Demi

Well, I say if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it…and my life as a single woman is not broke…lol

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 4:03 PM | Link to this

I don’t eat a doggone thing given to me when dealing with folks in the workplace,…too many act like they’re scared of soap and water in the restroom and forever brushin’ away pet hair…uhhh, no!…LOL!!!

Jamoca - LMAO. This so reminds me of my last job. There was this one co-worker, nice as can be, but she was easily 350 pounds and never smelled so uh, zestfully clean. In addition, her clothes were alwways full of cat hair and she picked her nails until they bled.

Yet, she was always bringing in the cookies and shyt! LOL. Supposedly she was a good baker, but I never tried her stuff! Ew!

By Jamoca

July 16, 2008 4:04 PM | Link to this

….Blue…baybeh, gon’ somewhere else and play, nah…still wuv’ you tho…(smile)

too many reasons, I can’t fashion that ish today….nice try tho, really.

By Beautiful Panther

July 16, 2008 4:04 PM | Link to this

Its not one person at fault…its both.

wrong again cowboy! smh. not always.

By mytwocents

July 16, 2008 4:04 PM | Link to this

So lost…snippets of what I was thinkin to post remain.

Beautiful He treated you as no other had, but is this the one who included infidelities in the deal? If so, looking back, do you think some of that wooing or whatever kinda helped distract you? Knowing what you know, did the feeling of being taken care of in one way outweigh not being taken care of in the other? I’ve never been in that place, but have heard some say it was worth the trade off tho I can’t imagine it being so.

Miz Moca Love be like a gang you get jumped into and you know you gonna come out with some evidence of it. Those who say they ain’t really got no scars to show, make wonder how hard they really went…Whoo… did you look for me in spam, ma’am?

Cee It’s too many words we could exchange on any given day, but especially on this, we both on E & actin like we got some sense. bnr actin’…when y’all rollin out?

mkaryl how wonderful for you. can i be another muse? i have a red coral necklace and i yearn for just the right earrings…

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 4:05 PM | Link to this

Blue

mayne, see how she simmered down:)(lol). i’m glad you caught that too. a little kindness, gentleness get thru that wall/shell. lmao

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 4:05 PM | Link to this

Angie - The difference is she was married and you weren’t.

By Dan

July 16, 2008 4:06 PM | Link to this

@BK

Why did think the same thing?

I saw Leggy Pooh, and saw the impin’ in him….

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 4:08 PM | Link to this

Amazon I don’t trust a chef that isn’t over-weight. For real…if they are thin, they aren’t eating their own food, therefore why should I eat it!?!?!?

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 4:09 PM | Link to this

Jamoca hehehehe…your glowgirl thinking…somebody at your job need to bring her own lintbrush…eeewwww! The brushlady is sumthin’ else, Dang! I know you want to tell her to go lay her self down somewhere. some folk

Wilderbeast wants to find your twin sister…yea, sumthins’ up. He has that cloth thing on lock. lol

By m'karyl

July 16, 2008 4:10 PM | Link to this

@ATL Guy

You are entitled to your own views about things…idealistic?!?!? unrealistic?!?!?!?…growth and maturity from experiences often meld, conflict or contradict our personal beliefs…sometimes it makes us change the way we see things and sometimes it just makes us all the more adamant about our initial set of views…I think that sometimes we tend to think that our world view should be the world view but it is not…what may make sense to me and my life choices and experiences may not fit another person’s world view of choices and experiences…it is life…we grow, we grow older…we may learn along the way or we may not…

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

July 16, 2008 4:12 PM | Link to this

ARED It might take forgiveness or counseling or getting back to basics Not always so. Once I lose it..I barf at the thought of him touching/kissing me. One who cheats…I always think he was dirty and I would feel violated if he touched me. Not to mention being with a guy who cheated…it would totally turn me into a nutcase. Why…because anytime he is not in my sight I would think he is cheating again. What’s to stop him from cheating again….love? HA! If he did it once he can do it again. he is not sorry…he’s only sorry he was stupid enough to get caught! So NO…once I lose it for a guy! It’s gone! I don’t even want to breathe the same air! And if he hit me….once is all it takes! I’m out! Otherwise I’d be plotting my revenge while watching him sleep. Burning bed anyone? LOL No man is worth jail…

ATL Guy Not every guy shows his azzholishness upon meeting him. I am sure when Mo got married the tendencies did not display themselves. I respect her for not being one of the dumb azz women who feels they stay for the children…all that does is show the kids that it’s alright to remain in a bad situation. She chose her self respect over trying to “Make” something work! I think another reason I do not want kids is that I do not want to have to have a connection to anyone once it’s over! I can cut the ties and keep it moving. I do not have to be cordial if I see you! I can ignore the hell out of you!

Sexyleggs I love that song by Tamia.

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 4:15 PM | Link to this

Once I lose it..I barf at the thought of him touching/kissing me.

LMAO! Staceye, I so believe you when you say this. LOL

By m'karyl

July 16, 2008 4:16 PM | Link to this

* @mytwocents* can i be another muse? i have a red coral necklace and i yearn for just the right earrings…

But of course, I have not started the earrings as of yet, but I can do plan on adding some to the product list before long…tell me, is the necklace a red coral as in bright red??? I have some coral stones…chilis, twigs, chips and nuggets…and some onyx beads as well…or just a plan coral mix is cool too…I need an email so that I can send you some pix too and then you can have a visual reference for what I do…

By Beautiful Panther

July 16, 2008 4:16 PM | Link to this

sorry mytwo, you got the wrong person.

ared exactly. the paper. everything else was the same.

this topic hits home, y’all know that. i wish this on no one, not even red. i consider him and that situation practice. i’m getting ready for the big game now.

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 4:18 PM | Link to this

mytwo/Jamoca I am rolling out tomorrow and i am about to cry right now b/c i will be sitting 4-5hours in a chair prior to leaving. There will be 2-3 african queens putting micro senegalese (spl) twist in my hair for this trip.

I am crackin’ up @ Jamoca tellin’ Blue to gon somewhere n’ play.

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 4:18 PM | Link to this

I have to ask, who simmered down?

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 4:19 PM | Link to this

MKary that is a really good post. You’re totally right.

BeautifulPanther saying that divorce isn’t both partner’s fault is unbelieveable. Might be more of a reason for one person over the other, end of the day, no one is perfect and it got to that point between both of you. If I went though a divorce…I would be part to blame she would be part to blame. How you want to balance the blame is on you. But to say its not all all MY FAULT is unbelieveable and stupid

By Demigod33

July 16, 2008 4:22 PM | Link to this

Demigod33 Actually you did without even using the word both. True, both may not be on the same page all the time…it still takes two. If I am not willing to do my part…our marriage aint working. Point blank.

WD HOWINTHEFUGGEDTHEYDELETEMYMUTHAFUGGINPOSTTHATMUTHAFUGGINSHYTAIN’TMUTHAFUGGINRIGHTIAMCALLINGBULLSHYTONTHATMUTHAFUGGINSHYTBULLSHYTA$$PLAY!!!

Sorry for cussing*

By AmazonRed

July 16, 2008 4:26 PM | Link to this

exactly. the paper. everything else was the same.

Angie - If you don’t respect the sanctity of marriage, why do you want to get married? Marriage is more than a piece of paper. If it was just a piece of paper, why did your ex feel you weren’t even worth that?

I know this hits home for you. This is something that personally irks me with people. You want the ring and the commitment and to build a life with someone then cast it off as “just a piece” of paper. Go for the alternative then, get your Brad and Angelina on.

By Beautiful Panther

July 16, 2008 4:28 PM | Link to this

atl guy you know what, you’re right! you’ve been on point today. good job guy!

eye roll

good night bloggers! i wish i can have zaxby’s tonight. i’ll get in-n-out burger on the way home instead i guess. smooches.

By Demigod33

July 16, 2008 4:29 PM | Link to this

Mayne them bastsirs cutting my lines.

By Demigod33

July 16, 2008 4:34 PM | Link to this

?

By lee hadden

July 16, 2008 4:35 PM | Link to this

Actually, I was not preparedfor the relief from the tension that I got when my wife asked me to leave. We had had som much bickering and anger, that the breakup was really easy for me. And let me tell you, because she was a b*** and not a lady, and because she screwed me so badly in the divorce, that I found that anger can really wipe out a lot of guilt. I was sad when the marriage was over, because I loved her then and I love her now. But I couldn’t live with her, and when she told me to leave, it was liberating. Overnight, I found out that a lot of tension, a lot of anger, and a lot of guilt had flown away. And not to mention that my disposable income really went up when I didn’t have to buy her pills and pay her doctors anymore.

By Question

July 16, 2008 4:39 PM | Link to this

@ATL Guy My question to you is this since you say that it is both partys’ fault if a divorce occurs and you seem to find it hard to understand that it takes two to stay married. What if you got married and being the person you are, you don’t see divorce as an option BUT your wife, for whatever reason, has checked out of the marriage. You do and try everything humanly possible to keep your marriage together but your wife is not having any of it and wants out. Do you still stay married? Can you still stay married? Who is to blame?

By Demigod33

July 16, 2008 4:40 PM | Link to this

Staceye Look woman, men aren’t alway the down fall of marriages…Ask Eve, that bench cheated on Adam with a snake.

Light Blub!!!

Dan, maybe the reason most women have a thing for slimey/snakey dudes, can be trace to this moment in time!!

By Nikki

July 16, 2008 4:40 PM | Link to this

Thanks Wise Diva & SexyL for your comments! Just remember once you get over the current situation, allow yourself time to heal before you move on to something new. However, please don’t allow one bad relationship to stop you from loving again. In my opinion, it just feels so good to love as if you’ve never been hurt and let the chips fall where they may. You’ll be fine in due time!

My fiancee’ told me there are no guarantees that a person won’t cheat on you, lie to you, stay married to you, etc so just make the best of it while you’re in it. Therefore, when you look back on it…that is if it doesn’t withstand the test of time, you won’t have any regrets because you know you gave it your BEST.

I wish you much success & love in whatever you decide to do!!!

Self-preservation is the 1st law of the nation! My mother told me that when I was a teenager and I will never forget that statement. Take it for what it’s worth.

I love ya’ll!!!

Stay Blessed! :-)

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 4:41 PM | Link to this

m’karyl…that 4:10 is on point! also i might have to peep a sneak/private sale before the real sale.

By Nikki

July 16, 2008 4:42 PM | Link to this

Thanks Wise Diva & SexyL for your comments! Just remember once you get over the current situation, allow yourself time to heal before you move on to something new. However, please don’t allow one bad relationship to stop you from loving again. In my opinion, it just feels so good to love as if you’ve never been hurt and let the chips fall where they may. You’ll be fine in due time!

My fiancee’ told me there are no guarantees that a person won’t cheat on you, lie to you, stay married to you, etc so just make the best of it while you’re in it. Therefore, when you look back on it…that is if it doesn’t withstand the test of time, you won’t have any regrets because you know you gave it your BEST.

I wish you much success & love in whatever you decide to do!!!

Self-preservation is the 1st law of the nation! My mother told me that when I was a teenager and I will never forget that statement. Take it for what it’s worth.

Oh one more thing, forgive yourself and forgive the person who hurt you. We are all human so mistakes are allowed. If you harbor ill feelings towards that person, that will not help you heal and move forward.

I love ya’ll!!!

Stay Blessed! :-)

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 4:42 PM | Link to this

Who the heck simmered down??? (LOL)

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 4:45 PM | Link to this

Self Respect is marrying someone who is not an azzhole, acutally cares about you, and bringing a kid into a loving environment. People don’t turn on a switch, lets be for real

Everyone loves to blame the other person…like a car accident, never their own fault! Before we have these pity parties & high five people for having “self respect” to divorce and raise a kid single. Lets take a reality check please. Divorce isn’t a positive thing and should never be glorified.

By SAMIAM

July 16, 2008 4:45 PM | Link to this

Leggy Pooh

don’t worry yo sweet head bout that. {:>} that’s just man talk!!! lol

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 4:45 PM | Link to this

Nikki i beseech you to come back and blog with us more.

Sisterly {{{{hug}}}} to you ma.

By mytwocents

July 16, 2008 4:46 PM | Link to this

BeautifulP Sorry, I mixed them up then. Avoidance will only ‘work’ for so long, tho. Probably will go smoother than u thought.

mkaryl Yeah, Alla that there sounds like my pennies going into your piggy bank! Chili pepper red is about right. Got it on Maui. Also have a red coral/turq bracelet but you know the shades of stones vary… musicmami@yahoo

Cee That’ll be a good look. Fussin w/ hair & fussin w/ the folks don’t mix well. Are you the cheerleader runnin the show or just on the auxiliary board? If Lil Cee got some cuzns he gon get into some mess w/ don’t trip. Be safe!

By Utopia

July 16, 2008 4:47 PM | Link to this

I don’t think one can say they’ve truly love unless you have battle scars to show. Which by the way I believe is a good dosage of life. While I have some still stirred emotions from a parting of ways a year ago and a few attempts during the last year, the last attempt to come together as recent as a few months ago, this is the first I’ve struggled with keeping my emotions in tact.* ABC* I haven’t pulled any guns or knives but I’ve sent a few nasty grams. I agree with the concept of moving on and not giving that other person the satisfaction in knowing I went really deep in loving and caring. Sometimes though, I feel a’ight “going there”. As long as we both were present and aware of all that was involved and you know you wronged me, really I could care less what you think of my character when we reached the point where we are because yours was nil.

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 4:48 PM | Link to this

Oh, I’m ready to love and be loved, just not ready to marry again!

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

July 16, 2008 4:52 PM | Link to this

Demigod I know that! LOL I am speaking for me.

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 4:53 PM | Link to this

Ok luscious lips, I feel whatcha doing….

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 4:54 PM | Link to this

imma get married at the QT..that why i’ll get some gascard fo’ sho’.

By ATL Guy

July 16, 2008 4:54 PM | Link to this

Question If the other person checks out completely…they are most to blame for sure if there is no way possible to make it work. But, could there have been things the other person could have possibly done to help the partnership of marriage, possibly preventing the other person to stray. People stray when they are bored. What if you spent more time going out doing things, keeping it interesting, then maybe it would have never been to that point.

There are so many situations, but its never just 1 person’s fault completely. Both people are involved in the partnership of marriage. Always look back at things and say “maybe I could have done this differently” but, in the example you gave the other person is majority to blame, wouldn’t say 100% to blame either though.

By SlimOne

July 16, 2008 4:57 PM | Link to this

YEAH, WHAT ALL YA’LL SAID!

coming back in all late n shyt

By melo

July 16, 2008 4:59 PM | Link to this

mayne,i missed on some new casualties that came in our ER…misadventures!!

By Demigod33

July 16, 2008 5:00 PM | Link to this

Staceye Don’t be getting smart out the mouth Missy, I’ll put you in your handcuff and have you singing Demi all day…Try me

By SexyLeggs

July 16, 2008 5:00 PM | Link to this

Good night everyone!

If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile.

Please keep your ears clean and your eyes wide open!!

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

July 16, 2008 5:01 PM | Link to this

ATL Guy you will never get it! I don’t have to have been married to know what goes on. I’m pretty sure an abuser was not an abuser when he was chasing the woman. If he was…he kept it under wraps. Then she took his last name he lost his mind. The devil in sheep clothing is common. The old bait and switch…just as some woman pretend to be the freaky deaky sex goddes to get the man to marry her and as soon the ring is on dude forgets what a BJ feels like! Old bait and switch. Those are just examples of how folks change over the years. Or it could be it was who they were all along…but thanks to great performances…you find out later!

By Cemeeli

July 16, 2008 5:01 PM | Link to this

Be easy!

By abc

July 16, 2008 5:03 PM | Link to this

Very idealistic, ATL Guy, and I doubt anyone would dispute that as an ideal, of course it’s both parties efforts which result in the success or failure of any relationship or marriage. It sounds like ‘crazy faith’; the thing is, you sound like one who hasn’t yet had to pay much of a price for putting out such effort. It makes a difference.

Love your losing, lose your love Let the hawk fly from the glove Then do not search the skies above Search your crazy faith

Love is lightning, love is ice It only strikes the lucky twice Once, so you will know the price And once for crazy faith

By Nikki

July 16, 2008 5:03 PM | Link to this

Hi Cemeeli, Well thanks for the love. I just might take you up on that offer and come around more often to see what you good folks are up to. It seems like a pretty safe place so why not?!?! LOL!

Sending love and hugs back to everyone.

Until next time…