Misadventures in Atlanta

By QC

September 15, 2008 8:24 AM | Link to this

Morning Bloggers Have a great day everyone

By M'Karyl

September 15, 2008 8:32 AM | Link to this

Well, Sherry is in my age group…the Baby Boomers…and according to a Newsweek article from 2005(?), we have set a precedent in our generation that did not exist in our parents or grandparents generations…we have more ppl in their middle-aged years (40-60) who are single in comparison to the two previous generations…either we have never married, have not been able to sustain marriages or are pursuing more (openly) alternative relationships…yep, leave it to the Baby Boomers to set yet another trend…lol…so she is not the lone ranger…btw, happy b-day to me!!!!…see you folks after I get to work…ciao for now.

By Purple One

September 15, 2008 8:34 AM | Link to this

This is a different day/time. I’ll be 45 in November and I’m in the same situation…you have the ‘normal’ expectation that it will happen and then for some of us, it just isn’t in our cards. I remember in College that a professor, who was still under 30 and starting a young family, told me to stop buying stuff on sale, like blenders, can openers, etc. because I would get that at my wedding and my mom simply called it a hope chest for when I moved out on my own before marriage. Well, thank goodness I had stashed my own stuff and became independent when I did because the marriage thing never happened. I also am in a ‘circle’ of friends that are in the same situation…surely a sign of the times because we are attractive, well educated, have great jobs, homes, travel, etc. and have had long-term relationships but no one wants to ‘keep us’ for good (or the guy becomes so insecure that he can no longer hold it in) so you wait to have children trying to do the right thing and then the eggs get too old and then you look up, you still look fantastic physically and people are like, you are how old, would never have known and I know when 4 of us enter a room and ‘the men all pause’ and the men want to holler but obvioulsy know that we aren’t even playing games so they try to start the conversation up and may exchange numbers and they just fall off, don’t follow up, etc. and we just keep going thru it and at this stage, I know I’m tired of the whole rigmarole so you just enjoy your family and friends to be fulfilled with this journey and call it a day. You do have to come to terms with it when it just doesn’t happen and don’t blame yourself, keep doing you because there is nothing wrong with you and you don’t have to wish, hope or pray for it…be positive in all that you do and positive will come to you; just may not be in the form of a man. People are just different now and some are still playing games and know they are in need of Viagra and still playing but this society expect those men to dip back and get younger women…they know the women their age won’t fall for those lines and put up with the foolishness so they know exactly where to go find someone that will fall for the okey doke. In the mean time, keep fresh batteries!

By DasV

September 15, 2008 8:58 AM | Link to this

good morning good ppl

i think its wonderful that women are not settling just to have a man. that we have evidence that we can be self-sufficient, financially independent, grounded and at peace without the need to have someone by our side to complete our circle is beautiful. it speaks to our strength as the ‘weaker vessel’. men have not the same capacity to remain alone, and not settle… not even for a romp in the sheets. its not just their fear of being labelled ‘gay’; its their inability to stand alone… to be defined beyond who they with, who they shagging, what kindof car they drive, where they work, what they do, where they live or (this is for you Truth) how kind they are to their dogs. LOL

By Leggs

September 15, 2008 9:02 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone. In training from 10-4. Have a great day!

By MLL

September 15, 2008 9:02 AM | Link to this

Good morning Everyone, on point Purpleone but about those batteries - I don’t think so LOL aint nothing like the real thing baby

Awwwww love is so beautiful, when you’re in love everything is just perfect. You have so much possiblities. I remember love, I miss it, it’s something I hope to have again. Knowing that someone, a stranger loves me unconditionally is priceless.

By AmazonRed

September 15, 2008 9:04 AM | Link to this

Happy Monday everyone! What did you guys do this weekend??? Great topic, Blanca

How many of you singles in the MIA world are still wishing, hoping and praying for love? And how many of you are at peace with the possibility that you may always fly solo?

I fall into both categories. At 30, there is still hope, and I think I’ll always be receptive to finding someone, even if I’m not actively trying to meet someone.

However, having several fabulous never married friends who are in their mid-40s, I do understand that marriage and kids are just not in the cards for some women. I’m not silly enough to think that it can’t happen to me, especially since I have standards.

I’ve made a decision to be happy in life, no matter what is going on. My single life is pretty darn fine as is, so if I’m sentenced to live the rest of my days as is, there is nothing too terrible about it!

By SlimOne

September 15, 2008 9:08 AM | Link to this

Well, well, well….look what the hurricane drug in. They moved our jobs to Houston but due to the current conditions from Ike, they called us back in to work to help them out

By Purple One

September 15, 2008 9:13 AM | Link to this

MLL, notice I said, ‘in the mean time’…I know I miss that real thang but Dr. Oz on Oprah said you need to have 200 big “O’s” a year to stay vibrant and as to not age as much or keep you young so I’m just working on my numbers! LOL! ;-)

By Bre'

September 15, 2008 9:16 AM | Link to this

Slim Ask for more money….

By Jo

September 15, 2008 9:19 AM | Link to this

I think one reason a lot of attractive, savvy women are “forever single” is because they feel because they’re good-looking, got it going on, etc, they have this entitlement attitude like “look at me, I’m hot, I deserve the best because I’m such a dime piece” blah blah blah. Men will be impressed at first till the physical wears off, then it gets old..

By Spill

September 15, 2008 9:21 AM | Link to this

What I have found is that a lot of these educated, independent women who don’t have men of their own will spend time with a married man. I have done the experiment, went out as a single man (by the way I am well accomplished and just focusing on my career) approach women who have the degrees, houses, money, etc. When asked am I married or attached I tell them no and they think I am lying , then I flip it and tell them I haven’t found the one just as they have not. Anyway when I go out with a wedding band on (just for show) and give the wife sob story these chicks want to resue me and will spend time. What is up with that? Do they loose self worth in the quest for independence?

By MLL

September 15, 2008 9:21 AM | Link to this

I don’t know about yall but I want someone to grow old with, I’m not made to be so Miss Independent. If being single is my fate then so be it but to say I don’t need a man b/c I make x amount of dollars, have a house and other material gains is in no comparison to have a living, breathing mate by my side in life to share it with. Maybe I’ve already had my time with love that was cut short by death and who knows, I may get another chance again.

By AmazonRed

September 15, 2008 9:24 AM | Link to this

Happy Birthday M’Karyl!!!

By Dan

September 15, 2008 9:25 AM | Link to this

Irony, huh SlimOne!!!

Good stuff!

On topic: As a single man, while I’m not looking to get married, I would like to one day settle down to a wife and some young’ens.

These days part of that equation can be solved, but for me I need the entire package for the equation to balance.

Kids without a wife, is not for me.

That said, I don’t really plan on being 40 and single, nope, can’t do it. If that means readjusting my outlook to better understand who I want in a mate, then so be it. So maybe she don’t have to be a former model, maybe she can just be cute…

But to give up on recognizing my soul’s counterpart in another is something I’m not prepared to do.

By ATLWorldwide

September 15, 2008 9:28 AM | Link to this

Wow, too many defeatists here today. I’m in my late 30’s and I’m thankful that, every once in a while, I do come across women in their 40’s who waited until they found/were found by the RIGHT man and married for the RIGHT reasons and even had children when they were well prepared to do so, in their 40’s.

We aren’t dead, we are just on a different time schedule. I hear from many of the men I dated in the past, and I’m glad I’m not married to them (especially since they are making an effort to find and call a woman they dated 10-15 years ago…I wouldn’t want my husband doing that).

Important and wise decisions take longer to make for some because they are more cautious. Don’t give up ladies. I’m not (although I may give up on Atlanta and start looking elsewhere….)

By Purple One

September 15, 2008 9:28 AM | Link to this

MLL, I don’t think any of us were ‘meant to be alone’ but you can’t always get what you want, when you want it so if it’s meant to be, it will be.

Spill, I’m sure you are telling the truth as far as your experience but I have a lot of friends in my ‘situation’ and we don’t go after married men…we’d rather be alone. I guess it is just personal preference.

Jo, the physical always wears off and gets old, regardless of age. I quote Judge Judy “beauty fades but dumb is forever”…you can start out as cute as most of us do and it will fade but if you are stupid, you will stay stupid!

By MLL

September 15, 2008 9:31 AM | Link to this

@ PurlpeOne WOW 200 big O’s a year!!!! dang …There are 107 days left in the current year and I’m beind by 199 O’s….looking round to find someone to help me release thess 199 Bigs O’s on…..LOL j/k

By Lisa Lowe

September 15, 2008 9:31 AM | Link to this

I’m 45 single (never married) and have no children and feel the same way. I could have marrried if I had settled for just anybody. www.truthandmyth.com

By AmazonRed

September 15, 2008 9:38 AM | Link to this

I am friends with a pair of sisters. The elder one is 41 and never married. Her sister is 38, married with two little boys.

The younger sister told her older sister, “I don’t care what I say to the contrary, if I’m 35 and not married, I’m not gonna be happy.”

I think she said this around 30 or so. She got married at 34. Maybe she wished it into existance! Maybe I should do the same. I don’t know if she found the love of her life or just settled for a decent “fit.” I just can’t see myself making that kind of promise to something I don’t have sole control over.

By Purple One

September 15, 2008 9:38 AM | Link to this

ATLWorldwide, one of those 45 yr old friends of mine did have a baby on her own, which she thought long and hard about because of the tick/tock and she held out for the husband that didn’t come and she had that baby at 44 last December (perfect beautiful neice)! She is with her boyfriend but it was completly planned but she didn’t want to be a new wife, step mom and new mom all at once so maybe this was out of order by some standards but they are so together in this and it works so there is no defeatest attitude in my circle…if you think defeat, it will happen. But you can’t harp on ‘I’m nothing without a man’ either, so you have to love yourself and enjoy what you have, each day. If a partner comes from it, wonderful, if not, it was still a fantastic ride!

By Raqi

September 15, 2008 9:39 AM | Link to this

”…men have not the same capacity to remain alone,…”

IMO women are the only ones that feel having or not having a man defines who we are. I think men just follow the natural order of things as provoked by nature itself. While you find some men that don’t want to get married they will however not fail to have female companion. I don’t think it’s because they lack the capacity to remain alone but they are infact just doing what is natural. Not natural according to society or what our ancestors feel is right, but according to nature.

The first man that ever walked this earth was given a woman has a companion. To desire to mate or couple is human nature.

Although it may not happen for everyone, some as result of their own mistakes and/or erroneous behavior or mindset, doesn’t mean that it is not just the natural thing to do. And despite popular belief there is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone.

By Dan

September 15, 2008 9:39 AM | Link to this

Here’s the thing about how words affect behavior:

Settling has become synonymous for accepting less than you feel you are worth.

In effect settling has become about how one values oneself.

So to be happy being single has somehow taken on the appearance of being strong and secure.

When really, are you settling on being alone?

Aren’t you settling on not finding someone to share your life with?

Aren’t you settling on being alone?

By lovelyliz

September 15, 2008 9:44 AM | Link to this

I always thought I would go to college, get the job, meet a decent guy (or several), get married and have 3 or 4 kids. Well, I got the education and a job, met far more frogs than princes (or any many who would come close) watched most of my friends/family get married, get miserable, get divorced and decided that if it happened it would happen, but I was not going to get desperate. Single and childess and eventually okay with that lot in life is far better that divorced and miserable.

A good marriage and a good family can’t be forced.

I am over 40 now and it just isn’t happening at all. I haven’t changed much, but most of the men in my socio-economic group either have more baggage that I am prepared or able to deal with or they are going through their mid life crisis and have decided that since they already did the married life and kids thing, they are entitled to date Barbie dolls and revert to their frat boy days.

By QC

September 15, 2008 9:49 AM | Link to this

That’s great Slim :-)

By MLL

September 15, 2008 9:53 AM | Link to this

most of the men in my socio-economic group either have more baggage that I am prepared or able to deal with or they are going through their mid life crisis and have decided that since they already did the married life and kids thing Couldn’t say it any betterlovelyliz

By NY2GA, Inc

September 15, 2008 9:56 AM | Link to this

It ain’t over til it’s over. Nope. I’m in my 30’s and I have not given up on love. I could’ve married in my mid 20’s, but I knew where that would’ve headed-straight to divorce court because all the red flags were there. When I get married I want to do it with a person that I truly want to share my life with until I take my last breath. Glad I didn’t jump the broom back then.

I am doing things that I want to do right now and I am happy doing it. I only want to be with a man that can add value to my life. I know men complain about women being crazy and not bringing anything to the table. But, that goes both ways. There are alot of unhappy,jaded men and men with no vision out there actively trying to date folks. WTH?! I guess misery loves company.

By Hot Mama

September 15, 2008 9:57 AM | Link to this

Morning Yall

Purple One Me and U are ===>:)<====rite here. ^5

By Purple One

September 15, 2008 10:01 AM | Link to this

@lovelyliz, that is exactly it! Ditto.

Like I mentioned, since they can revert back and get the young ones, and if “the game” works on those that it works on, by all means, keep it moving.

By DasV

September 15, 2008 10:04 AM | Link to this

Raqi its so natural that they link up with whateva is available…. they settle. whereas, in my opinion, women have more fortitude and are better able to remain alone though society would cast them as not following the ‘natural’ order of things. there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting companionship; but IMO there is something wrong with settling for whats available when it doesnt complement you.

according to blog bruthas, the pool of ‘choice’ women is shallow, not marrying material, but none go long without have ‘someone’ at their side come the weekend. that is what i was criticizing.

By MLL

September 15, 2008 10:07 AM | Link to this

Purple One & lovely liz we can get the young bucks too! Cougars rule!

By Beautiful

September 15, 2008 10:08 AM | Link to this

happy birthday M’Karyl!

i brought breakfast for the LADIES! who’s hungry? bacon and egg quiche, croissant with assorted jellies, yogurt, fruit, coffee, orange juice, milk. eat up and good morning!

i know it’s late.

By C tha 1

September 15, 2008 10:08 AM | Link to this

^5 Dan! I think women’s idea of love has become so twisted and inflated that they lose sight of what is real and relevant. Mix that up with a distorted perception of “I deserve it” and you have the perfect formula for women redefining terms like relationships, courtships, independance, happiness, etc.

I don’t know any perfect men…but I know some decent ones (I’m decent myself). Personally, I’m glad I don’t live in a world where a perfect all consuming love would make my life better. I’m glad I don’t live in a world where if I dated a dime piece my life would be complete. I’m glad I’ve reconciled faults within myself and focused on getting my affairs in order to make myself presentable. I’ve done good women wrong and paid the price for it. It is what it is. But I wonder if women would admit the time they didn’t do right by love, or ran from it because they couldn’t face their fears and simply admit that maybe they are their worst enemy in the dating game?

By Raqi

September 15, 2008 10:10 AM | Link to this

DasV would the “whatever that’s available” be the women that are unlike the ones that are still single and can’t snag anyone?

By Old No. 7

September 15, 2008 10:10 AM | Link to this

Oh boy… women that can’t find a man. Sounds like a V-103 topic. Here are a few ways to keep or find a man. 1) Go on dates to date, and stop looking for love. Love will find you… 2)Stop looking for the “perfect man”; there is no such creature. Everyone has flaws, even your perfect self 3)Stop hiding behind your career and degrees and humble yourself. A man doesn’t want to hear about your job, how much money you make, how you don’t ‘need a man’, how independent you are, and who you know, all the dang time. (sorry bad flashback) 4) That brick wall surrounding you all the time is not cute; let your guard down every now and then and stop ‘looking’ for faults to give you more ammo to build your wall 10 ft higher. 5)Just stop complaining and go out there and meet some people!! Instead of waiting on a guy to come up to you and ask you out; why don’t you initiate the date? To H*LL with the worry of rejection; its not that serious. Pick your face up off the ground and try again.

By SlimOne

September 15, 2008 10:12 AM | Link to this

Dan Very ironic indeed. lol

Seems like the blog is falling off a bit to me.

By Purple One

September 15, 2008 10:13 AM | Link to this

I don’t think anyone is giving up! It just isn’t the day to day focus and end all of all. I’m just saying, have a life, period. If someone is there to share it, great, if not, great! It’s still your life so make the best of it. We all should have and probably desire companionship but does that mean we’ve failed, heck no! The pool to pick from is shallow; should not have to settle for any old pair of britches (as my mother says), just because.

By abc

September 15, 2008 10:13 AM | Link to this

We baby boomers are a pretty messed up lot. We resist significant relationships, are the worst parents in history, work ourselves ragged, and blow off steam by being decadent. Then we want to blame our parents. No wonder subsequent generations are even more messed up than we are. Pretty sad.

A woman who finds herself never married and childless in her 40’s simply didn’t have making a home life as a priority. Maybe you can’t have it all. It’s not that there’s a shortage of good men for you; it’s that what you consider to be a good man went for a woman who had different priorities than a career woman would have.

A man that finds himself never married and in his 40’s is probably just a troll. Not everyone is cut out to be a leader, and that’s what women want, after all the dust settles: someone reliable, trustworthy, respected and respectable, with a good job and standing in the community — and intelligence, sense of humor, even temperment, etc. etc. They married women who fit their wishes, dreams, lifestyle, and most of the time, that’s not a career woman. Career chicks get the leftovers.

By Willie Dynamite

September 15, 2008 10:14 AM | Link to this

Morning All,

At what point does a serious self introspection come into play? Raqi I co-sign that 9:39. Somewhere along the line it went from being ok to be with someone to somehow convincing yourself its ok to be alone. I admit that there are some eternal loners that will be forever alone. For the rest of you at what point do you realize that just maybe its not everyone else and make the necessary adjustments. I also think the thought of marriage and happiness is misunderstood. It does take work people. If you are not willing to put in your fair share and some OT when needed then be happy with your Single and independent status. I wont even get on the whole independent thing. Some of yall walking around like its some badge of honor. Last time I check hayo you spose to be independent. But the problem is some of yall think that you need a parade wit a grand marshall becuaz of it. Cats and Quilts. Cats and Quilts.

By kimmie

September 15, 2008 10:16 AM | Link to this

Good morning blog fam I got my yellow belt senior this weekend! We have the belt ceremony tonight! It feels GREAT!

This is a depressing topic for a Monday, or really any other day, Blanca, I have to tell you.

It will inevitably turn into one those male-bashing topics - you know - “Something must be wrong with her if she has not been chosen”.

Sometimes things just work out and sometimes they don’t. Or they work out, but not quite like we planned. I agree with Raqi’s post. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone, but I think sometimes we ladies have had it drilled in us that to admit you want marriage will scare a guy off. Of course, you don’t discuss that on the 1st date and sound desperate. But I made the mistake of letting fear and too much time go by without expressing what I was really looking for from a relationship. In 2 instances I just ended up blurting it out out of frustration because time was ticking and we were not moving forward. We women decide if dating will occur, men do the proposing. Things seem to finally be working out for me and Oct 1 will make a year for me and my SO. I approached this relationship in a totally different way and I am getting a different result - and I like it! I set out only looking at men who were family-oriented and were committed to having a marriage and kids. In the past I felt I was trying to change someones mind on that and it does not work!

Dan - You asked Aren’t you settling on not finding someone to share your life with?

Aren’t you settling on being alone?

Yeah, but what are you supposed to do, jump off a cliff? I think these ladies are saying they are going to enjoy their life, even if it does not happen for them, and hopefully, be open to the possibility if it does. Not make finding that husband & kids the central focus of their lives and feel as if somehow they are a failure if they don’t find it.

By Dan

September 15, 2008 10:17 AM | Link to this

@C

I don’t think it’s an either/or proposition.

Both men and women have faulted, it human nature.

People like to speak about Eve being Adam’s counterpart. But let’s think about it the other way too. They were both complements to one another.

His naivete, her curiosity both combined for the fall of Man. Even in the aftermath though, they had each other.

I think in a lot of ways that men that put in the effort are increasingly encountering women that have given up - partly from dealing with the guys that haven’t yet matured.

In the end, neither is wrong or right - as stated it just is what it is

By MLL

September 15, 2008 10:18 AM | Link to this

I wonder if women would admit the time they didn’t do right by love, or ran from it because they couldn’t face their fears and simply admit that maybe they are their worst enemy in the dating game? right here C the 1 I was sabatoge queen at one point in my life…I was afraid to love. Looking back, I was pure awful to a few men out there…

By Leon Phelps( East POint's Own is taking a short break)

September 15, 2008 10:20 AM | Link to this

Well I can only relate to a portion of this blog topic since I am not quite 30 yet…. But I have lived in 5 cities in the last 10 years. So I am averaging about 2 years per city at the moment, and I must say that in every place I have lived I didn’t really start to meet quality matches until about 3-6 months before my next move… so things can get frustrating as far as dating goes.

I have also learned that the farther North I go the less I like the women. I havd been in DC for 2 months now and I can say that the (American) women here have about the worst attitudes that I have seen out of the places I have lived (ATL, FL, AL, South VA, DC metro area). I hear many women up here talk about a shortage of good men, especially black men, but I don’t see it like that, I see that there is an abundance of stank attitudes therefore good men are not trying to holla at these chicks.

By Purple One

September 15, 2008 10:23 AM | Link to this

@abc, I beg to differ on not making it a priority. Maybe because of life, that woman had a child(ren) and had to work 2 jobs or so and go to school so she could only work one job in the future and her priority was making sure her family was taken care of, then that left her not ‘available’ to date until the child(ren) reached adulthood, and now is ‘her time’, when she was doing the right thing by not having a revolving door and such with a child around, now there is not much to choose from when she put her family first! So she was penalized because of that?!

Sometimes life is just that, what it is…

By Dan

September 15, 2008 10:26 AM | Link to this

@Kimmie

Again, it’s not either/or.

What you prioritize in life speaks volumes about the life you want to lead.

Admittedly, I have been on my grind these last few years, becuase that’s what I wanted - financial stability. While I don’t have it yet (not like I want it), somewhere along the way in the downtime you start to realize that work, money, hell, the material don’t mean -ish.

I could have every dream I want fulfilled and in the end, be hollow becuase there is no one to share the journey with.

Recognizing that deficency in my own life was not only disheartening, but mildly embarrasing.

Balance is what I strive for, in work, in life, in my everyday.

But balance, like every other goal, is something you have to want/work to achieve. JMO

By MLL

September 15, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this

abc career women get married, they just know how to separate the two.

By Hotlanta

September 15, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this

I will be happy to be forever single because I am not married to men like Kwane Kilpatrick/Bill Campbell/John McCain/Newt Gingrich/Guiliani/Bill Clinton/John Edwards and Willie Gary

By Hotlanta

September 15, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this

I will be happy to be forever single because I am not married to men like Kwane Kilpatrick/Bill Campbell/John McCain/Newt Gingrich/Guiliani/Bill Clinton/John Edwards and Willie Gary

By The Truth

September 15, 2008 10:31 AM | Link to this

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MK

Raqi well said. I was kind of wondering where she got that from too but was going to let it pass. You summed up my thoughts exactly.

I guess I was lucky in meeting my soul mate at an early age(19)and experiencing that whole fantasy love thing. I think my mother prepared me for it because she loved me in a way that was so incredibly obvious that when I saw it again there was no denying it. I know a romantic love and a mothers love are different but they hold similar components. For example my mother was always able to perform under stress and looking back she was always under stress. I expect a woman that claims to love me to be able to do the same. Sure, things may be rough but you must perform. I’ve dated women that shut down in rough waters and it was a wrap. No guts. To much emotion and no performance. I guess in alot of ways I don’t identify with todays topic. I went from my mothers love to another womans love as easy as getting into my favorite jeans.

I’ve always had love when I wanted it and am so enjoying this time solo that it’s addictive. The peace I enjoy without the outside influence of a woman is cool. Even some of my female friends call with “STUFF” I just don’t want to deal with anymore. It’s just useless, mind occupying, go nowhere stuff. I used to do it just to have some azz on call but now thats not even a good reason. As I get older the only thing that matters is I enjoy everyday of my life and it’s obvious where the distractions come from.

Finally, the legal ramifications of entering into long term arrangements would give a viagra user a softy. It’s just way to much to think about and still enjoy the moment. It’s just way to easy to just date and not have to deal with the legal mumbo jumbo. I think every guy out there has seen his boy go through something and it makes you look at a chick sideways like is this really worth it.

I feel fortunate to have had love before I knew what a lawyer or divorce or child support were all about. It was just pure desire to be together. Eight years of bliss.

By m'karyl

September 15, 2008 10:34 AM | Link to this

Thanks…Ared and Beautiful

By Purple One

September 15, 2008 10:35 AM | Link to this

@Hotlanta…like they say, you can do bad by yourself! AMEN to your statement. I can sleep soundly for sure and not be wondering, where is he, how come he won’t answer my calls, etc…

By abc

September 15, 2008 10:35 AM | Link to this

Purple One, a woman that had children without benefit of marriage is unlikely to attract an optimally suited man, anyway.

What do you think that so-called optimal man wants in a wife? Someone irresponsible enough to have children with an equally irresponsible man? Someone who is preoccupied with her own career? Or someone who would make the home that he could provide for, that is to say, be that ideal man for?

That’s not to say that all other men aren’t worth the time and trouble, nor that the rest of womankind is unsuitable to be a wife. It is simply to say that the ideal man will marry the ideal woman. Just as a man who won’t take responsibility for himself, his b******* children, hold a job, or stay out of jail is suboptimal, so is a woman that is a baby mama, slaving away at a job or more focused on a professional career — yet she seeks the ideal man, and doesn’t want to “settle”.

As soon as I hear someone say “never settle” I presume they’ll be alone or unhappy in a relationship. Relatively few fit the ideal.

By Binford2K8

September 15, 2008 10:37 AM | Link to this

I’m completely at peace, and have come to terms with, the fact that I may journey through this life alone.

While that may be somewhat sad, all the people I know who are around my age getting divorced with kids involved that maybe my over-selectiveness over the years may have saved my even more heartache.

My discontent with the whole thing is how little I date. That is at least partially my fault. But I have met girls who were nice and cute and liked me - but there was always something I knew would be a problem going forward. So I guess I get the quality slow drip.

Though I think with every decade or less, our society makes it harder on ourselves to be happy because we now expect or have a sense of entitlement that undermines any possibility of a relationship. It is harder for people to be content.

By Troddentrails

September 15, 2008 10:38 AM | Link to this

I am just depressed after reading that. I am afraid that is where I am heading. Why is it that I have no problem atracting a man who wants to get up my skirt, but can’t attract a man who really wants me? I have no children, own my own home, owe no debts except that home….have savings, all my teeth (that is important..right?), a dual MBA and a good job. I am told by all the married and completely unavailable men that I am great catch and if they were single they would be all over me. I have tried everything to meet people…no dice. I don’t think I have a personality issue. I am outgoing and I seem to be a very nice person..at least that is what I am told. I give up. Pass the batteries.

By kimmie

September 15, 2008 10:40 AM | Link to this

I usually don’t agree with much that abc says, but I concur with most of his post. I find my thought-process is a little like his post today the older I get. It is a new day for women and while we all know exceptions, like Purple Ones 10:23, the priority for a relationship has to be made for it to happen, and that is both on the man and womans part. That is sometimes where the whole “timing” thing comes in the picture. I know quite a few women that have been able to, say, pursue a career as a dr or lawyer, AND have a husband & kids, but it took supportive and like-minded husband-material for that. A lot of times they met their future husbands in law school or med school, so they had common interests and they worked it out. But if you are busy pursuing a career and don’t make time for relationships, sometimes relationships are what fall thru the cracks. I kept meeting men like that. They were all into their careers and were not going to let some woman(me) sidetrack them, even though I did what I could to be supportive and still keep my own career on track. I realized, and close friends who could see what was going on, that I had to meet someone who would make the relationship A priority. Usually the relationship was a casualty to the pursuit of the career.

By Leon Phelps

September 15, 2008 10:42 AM | Link to this

One other thing in addition to the many points I agree with for today’s topic: In the last 1 or 2 generations it seems as if surviving a struggle has become something people want to be proud of and emulate… What I mean by this is the whole phenom. of single mothers raising kids with no help, or women who had to fight against society for some useful genuine purpose. I think all these things are great and should be recognized for what they were, people who made it through a struggle which they were dropped in the middle of, not by choice.

But what is happening is that younger generations and even the children of some of these survivors are saying hey she did it without a man so that’s what I WANT to do, or its not so bad if I have to do XYZ without a man. Some women are choosing to do things that only 1 generation ago were things women were fighting to avoid. And we all know that these things are possible, but folks need to realize that all things that are possible are not the best things to do. (This idea applies to younger generations in many ways other than just relationships. We all see many things done today that our ancestors struggled against. but since this topic is about relationships roll with it please…)

A lot of women have this mindset that they don’t need a man, so why should they inconvenience their daily routine by actually having to be considerate of someone else. Its pretty much just selfishness in its purest form. But hey if it works for you keep on keeping on. I ain’t trying to change nobody.. i was just sayin’

By Leggs

September 15, 2008 10:42 AM | Link to this

HAPPY B-DAY M’KARYL

PurpleOne, your post was right on target. Although I don’t necessarily believe in marriage anymore, I do not want to grow old alone. However, this just might be case. Can’t look into the future, but presently the pickings are slim! I’d like to know that there’s someone physically in my corner who has my back and I has his.

By Beautiful

September 15, 2008 10:48 AM | Link to this

jmo

it’s not natural for anyone to be single/solo. a single personal will always feel that there’s something missing. when you’re going to bed alone, eating dinner alone for example, that’s when you’ll feel it the most. it’s ok to live the fabulous life as a single women temporarily, but later you trying to convince yourself you don’t need a man isn’t cute. the bottom line is both men and women has gotten selfish. until women start catering more to men and men stop feeling like it’s over after marriage, we all will still be single 10 yrs from now.

also i blame society. today we need two paychecks in the home. to have a MORE healthy marriage, home, kids, the mother should be a homemaker. no! you are not a homemaker having a full-time job and going to school full-time. i believe that if it was that way now, like leave it to beaver, 95% of us on this blog will be on lock down. it gives the man the sense of being needed, etc.

By Binford2K8

September 15, 2008 10:48 AM | Link to this

Troddentrails

If you are not considered “attractive”, it doesn’t much matter how your life-ledger looks.

So many people I know whose life is in complete and utter SHAMBLES get someone (sometimes a LOT of someones) to care about them because they are somewhat attractive. This is the way life works and a way so many people try to deny.

It is a survival of the fittest and prettiest - and your value as a potential mate, to a large extent, is tied to this.

By DasV

September 15, 2008 10:49 AM | Link to this

Raqi men settle for those of us who are not at peace with ourselves and are still ‘pie in the sky’ struck. who dress to impress on the premise that less is more…. unfortunately they never meet us who are intergrated and matured, because we live beyond the clubs and city nightlife. we arent home with cats and quilts though either. we are the beaches of camaroon and riding through the outback on safari..we are at world market purchasing cloth to cover vintage seats at our beachfront, vacation homes…etc etc.

Dan and willie its not a matter of convincing yourselves that being alone is ok… it is ok. society would have you believe that it is not ok and that you have to settle in order to fit the ‘norm’. it results in dsyfuncitional relationships, marriages, children and society. we ought to all learn to wait until 1 we are mature and well-rounded to 2 meet and procreate with a mature and well-rounded individual. you cannot say ‘i love you’ without first defining ‘I’. to do otherwise is to settle IMO

By Dan

September 15, 2008 10:52 AM | Link to this

@Beautiful

I don’t blame society, I blame me.

I was the one dogging and stringing along good and decent women.

I was the one so focused on my pockets that I forgot what was necessary for the rest of my life.

@Leon

^5 well said!

Why would anyone sign up for the struggle..?

By Annie

September 15, 2008 10:52 AM | Link to this

I’m recently single again and I’m the eternal single one in my group, the one who gets the sympathetic glances at family functions. The one who’s the last to hear about engagements & pregnancies, in case I’ll get upset.

I never wanted marriage or kids. I’d do a lot better with the pressure from my parents to “settle down”.

I’m in my early 30’s and have accepted that life won’t change much from the way it is now. I’ll do the dating thing and the relationship thing again I’m sure, but sometimes I wonder if it’s really worth the hassle, when I’m left with heartbreak after things end.

By Leon Phelps

September 15, 2008 10:53 AM | Link to this

Somebody touched on this earlier, but why is it that women often refuse to believe that a guy is not dating multiple women or trying to be a “playa” ? Over the years I would say that about half of the women I have gone out with who did ask about other women, or asked what I wanted in a relationship gave off the impression that they really did not believe that they were the only person i was dating. I wonder how many women have written me or other decent dudes off because they think that we were doing more than we actually are. At the times in my life when I was seeing multiple people I would be truthful, but those times were few. I typically only date one woman at a time. Are some women thinking all guys are trying to play them, or are these women actually seeing multiple people and they assume that you are too??? hmmm… But all this ties back into just being honest… people who are not honest often have the most reason to be suspicious of others.

By The Truth

September 15, 2008 10:56 AM | Link to this

Trodden I am told by all the married and completely unavailable men that I am great catch and if they were single they would be all over me. This is like the guy that tells a woman if she were his he’d do so and so. Then she leaves the one she’s with to go to the new guy and he does the exact same thing the old guy did. LOL Btw, that “pass the batteries” is hilarious. LMAO

Lady Kung fu congrats on your promotion. When you get your black belt I’m going to hire you to take out blog hits on some of these folks. LOL

Slim I’m glad you got called back.

By layla james

September 15, 2008 10:57 AM | Link to this

I will be 38 this coming Sunday. Been divorced for 15 years as of last Sunday. Spent the first 10 years after my divorce looking for a replacement daddy for my then 7 month old as my ex thought divorce meant me and the kid. Was excruciating and a big waste of my time. I could have had a V-8. Was suffering, angry and hurt and really in no shape to date, but felt I needed a man to be happy and certainly my child needed a daddy. Much of that feeling of needing to be joined was born of coming from a family of lifers (people married actually til death), and mama’s and daddy’s, my 6 aunties’ and 3 uncles’ continuous questioning of when I was going to give marriage another try. The other part of my pitiful quest was born of low self esteem and the idea that a man validated my attractiveness. I took a lot of mess I shouldn’t have and damn near ruined myself.

Now, I am happy to say that I’ve come back from the brink of disaster with most of my faculties in tact and an understanding of what a great life I have. I now ponder each relationship carefully as I realize the gift I have in my singleness. I realize that I shun all serious pursuits of relationships because frankly, I’m scared as hell of making a decision that could so alter my safe life. Plus I’m too busy being a single mom to commit to anything outside of a casual date right now.

And I do love going on a good date. There’s nothing like getting dressed up and conversing with a good smelling, articulate, well dressed, chocolate, (or vanilla) man with his stuff in order. Makes me giddy just thinking about it. However, there’s also equally nothing like curling up with a good book or a good movie, a margarita and take out from Outback while the son is out for the evening with his boys or being in absolute silence, which is a great gift when a 15 year old male is your roommate.

Unfortunately/fortunately, I’ve become as non committal and picky in my old age as most of the men I used to date. I know what I want in a mate. I have a very clear picture also of my flaws and what I have to offer. I’m not sure I want to inflict myself on anyone either.

I’m not trading in my life for less because it’s good and only destined to get better. I won’t rule out love, but I know the numbers are not on my side.

Thankfully the kid thing is done so I don’t have that to contend with. However, I question the decision to become a parent as I daily attempt to wrestle my child from the clutches of TPain, TI and all the other rappers who have taken over my household. I want to take his IPOD and smash it. I envy those of you who don’t have to get up every morning to Lil Wayne moaning about lickin somebody like a lollipop, or is is vice versa and hot behind girls leaving explicit messages on his cell phone. I am exhausted. Sorry for the long post especially being new and all, but I needed to vent. I’m looking forward to being single and living alone…sounds good to me! Damn, was I even on topic?

By Dan

September 15, 2008 10:58 AM | Link to this

@Das

I agree with defining the I. Right on for that ish.

But, question: while there is no I in Team, there is a “me”, and at a certain point, isn’t the team concept preferable?

And if it was “ok” to be single…why is it when ladies and men brag about their accomplishments being single is the first (and often most lamented) on the list?

If it’s “ok” why is being single not what single people most often want?

By Beautiful

September 15, 2008 11:01 AM | Link to this

dan my post were geared more towards the women. did you have a good w/e in vegas?

By Purple One

September 15, 2008 11:05 AM | Link to this

@abc…I didn’t say she was never married…maybe married very young and divorced very young and was ‘left’ with said child(ren) and man was ghost and didn’t pay child support and she hadn’t gone to college trying to have a family and had to go back and get degree with family…it happens. I don’t believe your statement is true regardless…Some people make choices early on to have a child and have it totally together with family support and such and have a balance and like I mentioned, she waited to date ‘after’ her child(ren) were grown…so she was late 30’s what does that have to do with “attract an optimally suited man, anyway” at that stage? He probably has grandkids himself by then.

By Dan

September 15, 2008 11:05 AM | Link to this

@Leon

I thought of this answer this weekend.

When questioned about my single status by a woman that I was speaking with, (she accused me of having a relationship somewhere) “you can’t be single”

My reply: “Why can’t I just be comfortable being me?”

Here’s the difference Leon, when a person is single he finds a comfort with himself that exudes the appearance of happiness (often taken for being in a relationship). Too often, though, when a woman is single, there a visible hole missing and you can see in her visage, her posture, everything about her. Disclaimer: these are generalities..

Once one truly become content in whatsoever state they are in, it shows, brother, it shows.

By troddentrails

September 15, 2008 11:06 AM | Link to this

Why do you automaticlly assume that i am possibly unattractive? I am fit and I am together and I get told how attractive I am all the time. I don’t think I am unattractive, but maybe i am. :-(

By Dan

September 15, 2008 11:08 AM | Link to this

@Beautiful

Yes ma’am…in fact, I’m still having a good weekend in Vegas….even back at work

By m'karyl

September 15, 2008 11:09 AM | Link to this

I have been doing a quick perusal through the comments on topic today…one thing we all have to realize is that those of us born from 1960 forward have come of age in on of the most extreme gender and relationship paradigm shifts in the last 100 years…truly.

The value, view and viable options for both men and women have changed so drastically post-60’s in comparison to the previous era of gender/relationship expectations…so many factors have greatly influenced the choices available to us: the Vietnam war, the social rights movements, the post-divorce culture, the number of working women, as well as the fact that women can get credit in their own name (this was not so until mostly in the 70’s), out of wedlock births, the pill, name it…there are many dynamics that have impacted on how we perceive ourselves and our options…my mother nor my grandmother would have fathomed being 48 and never married, and with a child to boot…my daughter is 25, living in Chicago by herself…not married…my mother would have never imagined such an option possible without a stigma against her reputation…once upon a time the rules were explicitly written…and whether or not you agreed with them…you played by them anyway…that is what was expected…well, that has changed…and as with all changes, the law of unexpected/unintentional consequences exist…why are so many more ppl single today…because we have more options…and nothing is like it used to be.

By Raqi

September 15, 2008 11:12 AM | Link to this

So DasV you are saying that married women and men alike are flawed insignificant individuals who have settled for a less than standard life?

Marriageable = Substandard these days, huh??? smh

By m'karyl

September 15, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

@Leggs

Thanks love…and to e’erbody else case I missed someone.

SlimOne Ain’t that some shyte…lmao…uh-huh…good to see you here today…I thought you good thoughts all weekend…peace

By Leon Phelps

September 15, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

The whole single parent thing is a huge problem… it leaves little boys who don’t know how to 1. become the man that knows how to treat a woman 2. do the things a man should do for his family and it leaves little girls who don’t know how to 1. treat a man, 3. Let a man be a man and do what he is supposed to do.

Also to a certain degree it can breed the disdain that many women have towards men, probably because so many single mothers curse every man who walketh the earth (in front of their daughters). THere is soooo much more to ba said but I will leave it at this high level because we could go on about htis topic for weeks, I am sure.

Dan that’s a good point, I have heard so many people claim that they enjoy being single, but at the same time I never hear anybody say they want to be single… forever. AS in this blog folks succumb to the idea, or they get to the point where they accept the “fact” that they will be single, so it sounds to me like satisfaction with being single is a condition that one must accept, therefore its kind of like giving up hope… and we all know that once hope is lost the game is over… All you happily single folks, do you prefer to be single forever? & How much convincing of yourself would it take to give someone a chance if they appeared to be a good match? Or are you dedicated to being single until death?

By kimmie

September 15, 2008 11:17 AM | Link to this

Disclaimer - I agree with most of abc’s 10:13, NOT his 10:35!

Dan - I was just answering 2 of the questions you put forth in your post. Again, I feel these ladies are just making the best of what they admit is a less-than-their-ideal situation. I say “their ideal” because if they did not want marriage & a family, there would be no point in discussing it. But life is not always fair. Even when you think you’re doing everything right, life can throw a curve in the best-laid plans.

For example, back in the day, the only careers we saw most women in were teaching and nursing. Neither career interferred much with a husband & kids. Now the whole world is open to women! How do you tell a little girl that she can be whatever she wants to be, but she’ll have to put that career 2nd in her life if she wants a husband & kids? What MLL said is true - career women get married, they know how to seperate the two. But how do you teach that?

What you prioritize in life speaks volumes about the life you want to lead. I totally agree with you on this. I had to find a man that would put a relationship & family as a priority. I also learned quite awhile ago that the career & money, while nice, don’t mean as much to me if I have to go home to an empty house the rest of my days or have no companion or kids to share them with(but that’s me, to each his own).

By AmazonRed

September 15, 2008 11:19 AM | Link to this

Beau is 38. If I am willing to hang on a couple of years, I might be able to lock him down. Isn’t that a love story? LOL

I met another 38 year old this weekend. Divorced with two kids, 6 and 3. I don’t often meet men with kids since I tend to attract those toxic bachelors. I didn’t run for the hills, but I’m already wary.

I met a delightful young guy at this gala I attended this weekend. Charmer indeed. He invited me to “hang” after the gala. I of course thought it meant booty call since it was late. But I went against my gut and went anyway. We had a lovely time at this afterhour spot and he bought me a rose from the rose lady. Sweet. I think he has a girlfriend back home tho. Just a feeling.

There is this guy at church that I had noticed and never spoken to until yesterday. He’s also delightful and is that kind of corny square dude I go for. I think I want to get to know him better.

I don’t know why I just posted all this. I guess it’s just to illustrate what the pickens are like after a weekend out. LOL

By DasV

September 15, 2008 11:21 AM | Link to this

Layla ok .. why am i laughing at your struggle with the TI and Tpain and yo child struggle??… its cause i am having the same struggle as well. (i barely knew that they were two different rappers… i watched the VMAs in shock. did you know that one of them has a ph.d? i know cause my son argued his case for not judging a book by its cover and why he should be allowed to sag his pants and not play into societys conventional rules for the youth, yada yada.) stick to your struggle, mommi. your hard work will pay off in the end.

Dan most definitely. when coming together with another person, the team concept is the only concept. but each of us wouldve had to put in the work and develop our skill level individually before making the attempt or its destine to fail before we even begin. thats what i mean by defining the ‘I’.

i don’t lament the fact that i am a single mother. cause i happen to know that the skills that i have learned to tweak or have had to acquire on my lonesome journey will serve my mate well in our union. any man that laments his being alone (fond memories of darrell) would not pique any interest on my part. anyone not happy wit the cards they dealt will lose the game. i dont want that type of potna.

its ok to be single if you have not settled for less than what you deserve. not talking about perfection in a mate either. being single is not ok for the person who does not know what he/she wants and/or deserves….. ultimately who he/she is. anyone who knows anything about themselves will be quick to tell you… ‘i can do bad all by myself’… or ‘id rather be alone than in some ish wit mr.feel or look good’

By AmazonRed

September 15, 2008 11:22 AM | Link to this

Dammit, y’all are writing novels up in here. Making it hard to catch up!

By Binford2K8

September 15, 2008 11:22 AM | Link to this

Troddentrails

My point is that a lot of people have a lot to offer, but sometimes are discounted because they don’t have the “look” some people desire.

Hey, it’s been done to me and I have done it. I’ve felt bad about doing it, but ultimately felt I could get better. But I knew the person was a good person. But the pleasure or lure of the flesh got me.

Happens to a lot of people.

By Poppa Grande

September 15, 2008 11:23 AM | Link to this

Good Morning..all

Raqi

Well said.

We are meant for each other.

Willie Dynamite

At what point does a serious self introspection come into play?

I agree with that also. If you have failed relationship after failed relationship, you have to look at the common denominator at some point. Who was involved in all to the failed relationships….you? This goes for both genders.

abc

I agree with your post also.

Priorities matter. If my lady didn’t make me a priority and I didn’t make her a priority, then we’d be more like roommates than spouses.

The unhappy marriages and divorces come about because priorities aren’t in the correct order for either one or both of the people in the marriage.

By Purple One

September 15, 2008 11:23 AM | Link to this

@ m’karyl, you summed it up…period. End of discussion.

By Leggs

September 15, 2008 11:23 AM | Link to this

laylaj, you were very much on topic and I like your post. Welcome! We vent very well on this blog.

LeonP, single parenting is a huge problem no matter how you look at. Someone is losing on both ends. However, it is imperative that we teach our sons and daughters how to live the best life we can offer. There isn’t any negativity around my child when it comes to her father. I do not put down men in front of her. Heck, I don’t really put men down. I just know what I know and I keep it to myself.

Now going into my meeting

By Poppa Grande

September 15, 2008 11:35 AM | Link to this

Kimmie

That career should be second to her family.

The same goes for me as well, though.

I put my wife before more job. How loyal are jobs/careers? Look at the unemployment rates? Employers aren’t looking out for you.

For example, Do you know what Congress did last week? A BIPARTISAN bill was introduced to create nearly 500 million new work visas. We have many American citizens looking for a job, but they are trying to allow more non citizens to get jobs here.

Most men aren’t gonna stand for being second fiddle to some job that doesn’t really care about you in the long run. If you make it clear that your priority is such then most men will keep it moving at some point. Either before a marriage or during the marriage.

By spill

September 15, 2008 11:35 AM | Link to this

well said Leon about the single parent phenomenon. I am not blaming anyone. But we as adults have to learn how to stay together after baby comes.

By m'karyl

September 15, 2008 11:36 AM | Link to this

@ARed

Chirl…best get your speed read on honey…lol.

By Beautiful

September 15, 2008 11:37 AM | Link to this

some women need to rethink what brings them true happiness

i just read this from friday. ms. thang, just cause my definition of happiness doesn’t sit close to yours does not make it wrong. what you need to do is be realistic with yours. wait … aren’t you single like i am?

By Star1

September 15, 2008 11:37 AM | Link to this

How wonderful. Glad I have no desires to be married or have crumb-snatchers. This isnt every womans dream.

By