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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2008 > September
September 2008
Accrue a partner, accrue debt?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
As our country’s economic meltdown continues, I’m pondering the toll debt can take in our relationships.
I begin with a disclaimer: for the first time, I’m carrying a balance on my credit card. Thankfully its still in the manageable stages. My hope is to have it paid off in the next few months, though ideally I’d never have purchased something I couldn’t pay off the first month anyway.
I’m a single gal, so I’m shouldering the debt alone. That’s the way it should be, of course, as I was the one to make the purchases.
But what about in relationships when one person accrues the debt, but both people are left paying for it?
A reader wrote me about her niece, who carries a significant credit card balance and is afraid to tell her fiance. She worries he won’t want to marry her if he knew she owed several thousand dollars in credit card debt.
I think I’d think twice about assuming someone’s debt in marriage or combining finances, though I’m not sure the situation would be cause for ending a relationship. On the other hand, I’d worry about a man who allowed himself to accrue serious debt, barring extraordinary life circumstances.
How do you think debt plays into relationships? Have you encountered this situation and how have you handled it? And finally, would you end it with a person whose financial situation wasn’t under control?
Permalink | Comments (181) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
A lover’s hidden life
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
About four years ago, I spent a summer seeing an incredibly talented musician who played in the local symphony. “Marco” was different from other guys I had dated; first of all, he was 15 years my senior, had spent years around the world because of his work and practiced yoga when he wasn’t rehearsing.
We saw each other nearly every day and being around him always felt peaceful. Yet, he once informed me I was “getting involved with a weird person” and that he’d explain it in time. In retrospect, this is when I should’ve run.
Before the time came for him to clue me in about his past, our relationship ended with an anonymous phone call to my mother. Yes, my dear, sweet mother, (a Sunday school teacher at that), was dialed up by a woman who refused to identify herself.
Keep in mind a couple things — I lived several hours away from my parents at the time, Marco hadn’t even met them, and the woman making the call to my mother must have engaged in some serious sleuthing to track down my folks.
The cliffnotes? She told my mother to get her daughter away from Marco. No, he wasn’t married, but according to the stranger-caller, he was a womanizer, destroying women’s hearts and their marriages in his path. Oh, and quite possibly a swinger, too.
Turns out, upon confronting Marco, it was all true. He maintained a long-distance relationship with a woman planning to leave her husband and three children for him. (She didn’t know about me, of course.) He admitted having a profile on adult “casual encounter” websites. He acknowledged seeing multiple women at once, even though the women thought they were in monogamous relationships.
He tried to tell me that had all changed when he met me, but I didn’t believe him. I was naive, but thankfully not that stupid.
Needless to say, I took my young self and fled as fast as I could. This wasn’t the Marco I thought I knew. This Marco seemed a shell of a person, a damaged, twisted man unlike the fellow I had spent nearly every evening with that summer.
The good news? At least I found out fairly early on what a psycho he was, had no health repercussions (though the emotional ones were worse), and have a pretty good story to share. But it was a tough lesson and has made it at times difficult for me to take people at face value. (Though to be fair, he gave me a disclaimer. I simply had no idea how serious he was.)
Have you ever encountered someone and later found out they weren’t at all who you thought you knew? What did you learn from that experience, and did it make you wiser or just bitter? And how long do you think it takes to really get to know the “real” person, or do you still take people at face value?
Permalink | Comments (146) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
In order to date pleasure..
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I once read, “In order to date pleasure, you have to meet pain.” I imagine that some of us have met pain (I know I have!) and eagerly await our introduction to pleasure. Or perhaps some of us have been the pain of somebody else.
Do you think that in order to find The One, we have to endure pain and heartache? I admit that I love those chick flicks and romantic comedies. However, realistically speaking, dating “pleasure” can only happen after we meet pain. In fact, it’s because we have met pain that we are able to even recognize pleasure.
I cringe when I think about the “pain” I inflicted on men. I have tried to convince myself that I was the reason the guy appreciated the next woman. Um, that doesn’t fly does it?! Believe me, Karma is a witch and she had my address. I got what I deserved at a later time.
What’s the worst thing you’ve done in a relationship? What about the shady thing you did to somebody who just really liked you? Do you think that you were their dating pain? Do you think we should try to make amends for being someone’s dating pain?
Do you agree that you have to meet pain before you date pleasure? Is it really unavoidable?
Permalink | Comments (119) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
99 Problems
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If you hear me blaring Jay-Z’s 99 Problems, then chances are I am in the throes of some dating drama. When I am not up for confrontations (nor ready to handle him confronting me), I sometimes turn on some hip hop music. It only makes me feel better for a minute, but it’s a nice temporary distraction!
When you decide that the person you are dating is worthwhile, you tend to hang in there a little longer. I just think there comes a time when you have to stop and assess your “problematic” dating situation and ask yourself, is it really worth it to endure the 99 problems?
Every human relationship you have will have some problems. If you don’t then someone is probably not being truthful. How do you know what problems are relationship builders and which ones are relationship smashers?
How do you handle problems in your dating relationships? If there is a serious communication problem, is that something that can be addressed? Have you ever dated someone that made you improve/change your conflict resolution skills?
What about misunderstandings? A friend of mine had a huge blow out with her boyfriend because she accessed his phone to retrieve name and numbers to plan for his surprise birthday party. He chastised her because he said that she “violated his privacy” despite her intentions. How do you handle misunderstandings like this?
Do you think that too many problems is a sign that you are not compatible for a long-term relationship?
Why do we sometimes check out of dating relationships at the first sign of any problem?
Permalink | Comments (315) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Get It Right Next Time
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When you are getting over a bad break up, the one thing you don’t want to think about is the next relationship! However, when you are ready to move on and make room for the new person, it’s really helpful to pinpoint some of the pitfalls that tanked the last relationship.
If you think about your last few dating misadventures, what do you want to do differently to get it right next time?
I will: choose better. I have to stop looking for the male version of me. He does not exist and I probably could not stand him if he did. I know I am fabulous, but I want someone who is cool like me, but NOT me. It’s ok if we don’t see things exactly the same way.
I will: show more interest upfront. Drop the cool, aloof behavior. It’s only a defense mechanism and it is annoying to a guy who is clearly showing interest.
I will: cook more. Yeah, I know I said I was NOT a domestic diva, and I probably won’t ever become B. Smith, but I actually like cooking. I am going to offer up a home cooked meal within the first couple of weeks. I am not saying I was dumped for not cooking, but if men need to see that I won’t send him to the ER with one of my meals, that can only help things, right?
I will: be more romantic. It’s not easy to romance a guy that you aren’t really sure will stick around, but that is not the reason to romance him, anyway. If I like a guy, I will enjoy romancing him and making him feel desired. If he doesn’t stick around, he has only given me practice for the special guy that is going to show up.
What about you? If you are interested in another relationship, one that actually lasts, what will you do differently next time?
What pitfalls do you think can be avoided with a new dating relationship, that has often ended things before?
Permalink | Comments (340) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
How NOT to Get Laid
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Sometimes men don’t know when to shut up. Honestly, they can be so close to sealing the deal but, for reasons unbeknownst to womankind, they torpedo any chance of getting laid. In an effort to help men get laid more (you’re welcome!), here are 5 ways not to get laid.
Bragging: Boasting about the size of your wallet, package, technique, or material possession is annoying. Most of the time, when a guy has to become his own street team, it’s because he is making stuff up. Your reputation should precede you. If you have to hype yourself, we probably won’t even believe you. You need more people.
Condescending tone or behavior. I don’t care if you can top a woman in a sport, scrabble game, or IQ test. If you try to make her feel as if you are far more superior, it’s a turn off. The female ego is bigger and more fragile than yours: handle with caution.
Making disgusting sounds, smells, or jokes. Listen, if a woman has decided that she wants you to serve up some O’s, she doesn’t want to see you acting like a frat boy. It’s not cute, sexy, or endearing when she is trying to have dirty thoughts about you. Knock it off.
Child’s play. Any mention of wanting to make a baby will automatically disqualify you from a rendezvous. When a woman has decided that “It’s just sex”, she definitely won’t like you trying to breed with her. Know your role, accept it, thanks.
Display psycho behavior. If you want a woman to feel comfortable with you, you may not want to disclose your proclivity for collecting blow up dolls. Keep dreaming, crazies - or hide the weirdness as much as possible.
Ladies, what can you add to this list? Have you ever met a guy that actually talked himself out of getting lucky? What did he say or do?
Guys, does any of this behavior sound familiar? Do you think you ever talked yourselves out of getting laid? Have you ever met a lady that talked herself out of getting laid? What did she do or say?
Happy Tuesday!
Permalink | Comments (288) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
Nurture or Nag?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A common complaint my single guy friends have about dating relationships is that the women tend to take the nurturing thing too far. While they enjoy being cared for, nurtured, fussed over and catered to, there seems to be a distinct line that is often crossed. It happens when she goes from nurturer to nagger.
Apparently, this can happen in warped speed without warning or provocation. One minute she is sprucing up the bachelor pad, the next minute the place has serious changes. Not just any changes, either, total girly ones: window treatments, fancy room scents (actually, don’t fight her on that one, your friends will thank her), and actual cooking utensils!
Guys, what do you think constitutes a nurturing woman and what makes one a nag? Do you think that women should give constructive criticism to the men they date? How do you handle dating a nurturing woman? How do you handle a nagging one?
Ladies, have you ever dated a guy and took your nurturing a bit too far? Did you go from picking out a tie to completely transforming his wardrobe? Was this a good thing or a bad thing? How did the guy respond?
Do you think dating relationships often blur the line between nurture and nag, like you two are an old married couple? How do you handle that?
Happy Monday!
Permalink | Comments (225) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Meeting the parents, the family, the kid and kaboodle
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hope you all are cooled down after yesterday’s size-turned-bedroom-turned-bikini-line-discussion! Let’s finish the week on a tamer (or as Demi will likely say, “lamer”) topic today.
For the majority of my dating life, introducing someone to my parents or family never seemed like a huge deal. Sure, in high school my folks met every guy I might of dated, but even in college, I was fairly casual about taking my current beau to dinner with the family when they visited.
My parents never assumed meeting a guy meant I was serious with him, and frankly couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t bring someone along.
As I’ve aged I’ve become more selective for a number of reasons. For one, I know it can seem a big deal to others to introduce a man to the family, so I don’t want to put that pressure on a fellow prematurely. Also, at this point taking someone home would involve a plane ride and a weekend stay, thus I better see some kind of future with the man to subject my family to that!
But in general, at what point is it appropriate to introduce someone to your kin? A couple dates, a couple months or more than a year? Do you think it has more weight if a woman brings a man home, or vice-versa? And lastly, are you usually in a committed relationship before taking that step, or is it simply not a big deal?
(I may or may not be blogging about this as I may or may not have already ended my manbattical. Whoops.)
Permalink | Comments (201) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
No really, does size matter?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It seems a trite question, a cultural joke even. “Does size matter?”
(This is where the big boys chuckle and the, well, “average” guys cringe.)
Here’s why I ask. Most of my girlfriends (myself included) say we don’t really care about this issue. That average is more than OK. That if we care about someone, it shouldn’t stop us from being with him.
And then we find out why it maybe does matter. We meet someone who packs so little heat we’re not sure there’s a flame. A guy we like, but who unfortunately can’t meet our needs in the bedroom.
Oh the guilt! We beat ourselves up for caring about the issue. Are we shallow for thinking this can’t work?
Here’s my thought: size can be a big deal. (ba-dum-bump!) It’s not that I think women are just turned off because we can’t get turned on, but sexual dissatisfaction can lead to even bigger problems down the road. Perhaps some lose interest in intimacy, which causes resentment.
So let’s be real and not defensive. Ladies, have you ended a relationship with a guy if you just aren’t feeling him? (pun may or may not be intended.) Have you told him why or blamed it on incompatibility? And for those of you who have overlooked the matter, what good qualities were more important?
Guys, do you think its OK for a woman to bail for this reason? Do guys think size does matter or do you believe women when they say it doesn’t?
Given the topic, let’s keep it as clean as possible! I’m looking for true discourse on this real issue.
Permalink | Comments (333) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
AskMen and you shall receive…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Seeking insight into this curious creature we call “man,” I came across AskMen.com’s 2008 The Great Male Survey. There, in a poll of more than 75,000 web readers, AskMen quizzed the nation’s men on everything from relationships to sex to lifestyle trends to power. (Naturally, Blanca gravitated to the dating and sexuality polls in an effort to inform MIA readers of our favorite topics!)
Some finds, listed by question and result.
Q. If there was no chance your partner would find out, would you cheat on her? A. 37 percent said listed “No, I might be tempted, but I love and respect her too much.”
Q. Is it important for a girlfriend to have “wife potential”? A. 42 percent said “Yes, I won’t bother pursuing a relationship with a woman who isn’t a potential wife.”
Q. Approximately how many sexual partners have you had? A. 17 percent said 15 or more. 15 percent said just one.
Q. Have you ever fantasized about a girlfriend’s/wife’s friend? A. 40 percent said “Yes, I have in the past but try to restrain myself from doing so.”
Q. Approximately how many one-night stands have you had? A. 44 percent said they’ve never had one, while 6 percent said 15 or more.
Q. Have you ever had a threesome? A. 61 percent said “No, but I would like to.”
This poll put some of my stereotypes in check. I was somehow surprised that more than 40 percent of guys won’t waste their time with non-wife material. I was maybe even more interested to learn that 44 percent of guys polled haven’t had a one-night stand.
What wasn’t a shocker? That 60 percent of men would pursue a threesome. (Yes, Melo, we know about you…)
Ladies, do any of these results clash with your views of the average man? Fellas, how well do these results line up with your experiences?
For more results, see the full survey.
I’m out for the morning on assignment, but will be back early afternoon. Enjoy!
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Drama mama
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We’ve either been that person, dated that person, or know someone like that person- a drama queen or king. You know, the woman who throws a fit when her boyfriend wants to hang out with his friends. The guy who calls his woman’s friends asking if she’s seeing other people. The couple who call the police for every argument they have.
Some people need drama in their life. They seem to need a strong reaction of anger or love or stress from their partner in order to feel secure.
I’ve dated that guy a couple of times, like a high school boyfriend who became angry when I talked to other guys. (That obviously didn’t last long.) And then that fella in college who, after I dumped him, called incessantly and finally tried to win me back by saying “Blanca, I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but I have thousands of dollars in the bank!” (Does that actually work on anyone? Geez!)
Why do you think some people turn to dramatics in order to “control” their partner? Have you stayed in a relationship with that type of person, and why? Finally, how many of you behave that way and find that it works? Let’s hear some stories!
Permalink | Comments (170) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Stick a fork in her, she’s “done.”
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This is a friend-story, once removed. A friend of my roommate recently moved to Africa for her job, a stint that she expects to last at least a year. “Sherry” is single, childless, and 46 years old.
When I first learned of Sherry and her singledom, I asked my buddy if Sherry had moved a lot in her life, preventing her from being able to settle down in one place, much less with one person.
Nope, not the case. In fact, Sherry took the leap to go to Africa after 15 years in a major metropolitan city. In that time, she had only dated one guy for more than a year…the rest just didn’t work out, she said.
She spent her 20s and 30s wishing, hoping and waiting for love to happen, for marriage to happen, for kids to happen. But it didn’t. Now in her 40s, she said she finally has come to peace with the reality that it may never happen for her. In her words, stick a fork in her, “she’s done.”
I’m not sure whether to feel bummed or empowered. It’s easy for our friends and mothers to tell us that “it’ll happen one day,” but the truth is, it may not. No matter how gorgeous or smart or successful we are, maybe love doesn’t find everyone. And who is to blame? The odds, or ourselves?
How many of you singles in the MIA world are still wishing, hoping and praying for love? And how many of you are at peace with the possibility that you may always fly solo?
Permalink | Comments (260) | Post your comment | Categories: Self-improvement
Taking it to My Grave
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When you first start dating someone you can be so enamored with them that you just can’t learn enough about them. It’s like you both have a veritable truth serum working its magic, making you spill all the juicy tidbits about who you are. Alright, well,snap out of the new love haze first, and really think about what you are doing. This can be quite the double edged sword.
It’s wonderful that the person you are dating is getting a fuller picture of who you are, but maybe there are a few things that should never, EVER be shared. We all have things that we are not proud of, but what about the things that you actually have no desire to ever, ever, ever reveal?
Is total honesty and full disclosure a good idea in a dating relationship?
What do you think would classify as the “no good can ever come from it” disclosure?
A few things that will go to my grave: My participation in a revenge plot for a close friend’s ex. The things we did to that guy shall never be uttered to anyone. No, seriously, it can’t. Like, I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement and everything.
My brief totally out-of character exploration into the wild side of Atlanta. I went, I saw, I got scared back to Vanilla-ville. I like it here, it works for me.
Before I got Whitley Gilbert’ed by my father, I had a little bit of a shopping problem in college. I am reformed now, but if my man knew how bad my retail fixation got, he would probably never let me near his American Express card ever.
I better stop here, but imagine if I shared gritty details of any of this with Mr. Wonderful before he got to know me, no good can ever come from him knowing these things!
Guys, you probably should not share any Dear Penthouse-like stories with us. Sure, ladies say they want someone experienced, but nobody really wants to get the dirty details of your swinging bachelorhood days. Ladies, you should take also take heed to this one. I think a lot of dudes prefer not to know details of your freaky past either. Bonus tip: Burn/destroy any evidence.
Ladies, it would behoove you not to confess any prior extreme crazy behavior. If you completed your anger management class, and uh it actually stuck, it’s perfectly alright to put that psycho chick behavior behind you!
What sorts of things do you think should be kept to yourself? Have you ever shared something in the spirit of honesty, only to have it backfire on you?
By the way, if you didn’t catch it, this post is totally tongue-in-cheek, so let’s keep it fun today. Happy Friday!
Permalink | Comments (220) | Post your comment | Categories: About Wise Diva
Love Lockdown
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I watched the MTV Video Music Awards that I Tivo’d and I could not stop watching Kanye West’s performance. He premiered his new song, Love Lockdown, and actually sang the entire song, no rapping. If you know anything about hip hop music, when a artist like Kanye West sings about love, uh, there is definitely meaning behind it.
Music critics have been saying, this song was personal and after reading over the lyrics, I have to agree. I think it reflects some of the emotions men go through when they are having woman problems.
A man’s elusive thoughts and feelings when he is going through “woman problems” are rarely displayed openly. Needless to say, I love this song because it’s honest and thought-provoking. I think the lyrics could be insightful for women.
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
Ladies, have you ever started a relationship with a guy, got close, and then he got spooked? Even though men realize this is happening, they can have a hard time actually talking about. Sometimes, they decide to grab their Nikes or Timberlands and hit the ground running because they aren’t ready for that level of intimacy yet.
It’s annoying, I know, but they are just as frustrated. Remember this ladies, before you get the urge to destroy his property after a disappearing act. Guys, what causes you to get spooked? If you know that you are not ready to have a meaningful relationship, do you let the woman know upfront? What happens when you think you are ready but have a change of heart? How do you handle it?
See I wanna move, but can’t escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
Ahh yes, the oh so lovely secret code. Guys, do you think you keep a secret code when it comes to your heart? What should a woman do when she discovers that her man has his heart/love on lockdown? Ladies, how have you handled dating Mr. Love Lockdown?
The song ends with: You keep ya love locked down, you lose.
How is that for a big finish? When you run, hide, and evade love, you are taking a risk on missing one of the greatest experiences in life.
What do you think about the song? Have you heard any other love songs lately that precisely captures your current dating situation?
Happy Thursday!
Permalink | Comments (312) | Post your comment | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Surprise Me
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of the cool things about dating a new guy, is that you always get to discover something new and different about men. I like to think that I have seen and heard it all when it comes to dating men, but the reality is, I don’t know that much about them.
Honestly? Men never cease to surprise/amaze/confuse/perplex/excite me. What can I say, I have a big ego that doesn’t mind getting checked - in a good way. For instance, I was surprised to find out that men like to be charmed too.
Vince and I were talking about how I supposedly charmed him into helping me at the Apple store. I really was not flirting, it was a Sunday morning, and I looked a mess. I genuinely had loads of questions and he was the closest genius I could find that wasn’t at the Genius Bar. I only listened intently and made a few witty comments and he loved it!
Now seducing or flirting with a guy is not always the same as charming a guy. A woman can have the looks and the body to turn a guy’s head, but a smart man will quickly tire of moody divas ahem, ding bats, and women that bore them. What else is there? Charm baby, CHARM!
Guys, in what ways can a woman charm you? Do you know when you have been charmed or do you think ladies are stealth with it? What do you think women would be surprised to know about men? Enlighten us!
Ladies, what do you think men would be surprised to find out about women? Have you ever charmed a guy so much he was smitten with you from your first introduction? When was the last time you met a charming guy? What did he do? How did you respond?
Happy Hump Day!
Permalink | Comments (184) | Post your comment | Categories: He Said/She Said
Rehab? Yes, Yes, Yes!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It is wrong to make light of someone who is struggling with addictions, but when I heard the news that actor David Duchovny was checking in rehab for sexual addiction, I kind of made a few jokes. Of course, whenever a celebrity goes through something, it becomes part of the “national discussion” and everyone weighs in on the latest addiction du jour.
Experts define sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.”
Alright, that actually sounds like a nightmare, regardless of how much one likes to do the horizontal tango. Not having control over your desires would definitely be difficult to handle. Do you think you would be willing to undergo rehab if you were experiencing “escalating patterns”?
Have you ever dated someone who was a sexual addict? How did you find out? Did you stick with them as they went through rehabilitation?
I wonder how this type of addiction impacts a committed relationship?
Permalink | Comments (224) | Post your comment | Categories: Current Events
Best City for Singles? You’re already here!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Congratulations Atlanta! Forbe’s has deemed our city as the NUMBER ONE city for single people. Atlanta has been in the top ten before, but this marks the first time we claimed the number one spot!
So what does this mean for the dating scene? This means we have bragging rights, until the next year’s list comes out. We can proudly brag about the city’s appeal to single people. What do you think about the list? Do you think the list will bring more single people to the city? Would you move to a city because of it’s high ranking on a list of best cities for single people? Lately, I have been getting a serious urge to relocate to the west coast, specifically Los Angeles area, which is #16 on the list! I still have the urge to check it out though!
Let’s rank Atlanta with the same criteria as the great folks at Forbe’s: number of singles, nightlife, culture, cost of living alone, job growth, online dating activity and coolness. In your experiences, how has Atlanta been for you in terms of your single life? In your opinion, what makes Atlanta the best city for singles?
If Atlanta is great for singles, does this mean it is not so great for married/coupled up people? I run into married men at many events and they certainly conduct themselves in a very, very, very bachelor way. I always wonder if their wives know that their husbands are single! Do you find a lot of married people mingling on the dating scene, looking for extra curricular activities?
My latest dating report: I have had two great weekend dates, one of which was a second date. Last weekend, on our second date, Vince and I went to an art exhibit, dinner, and a movie. Cool guy, but I am not all that convinced he is actually single. More to come.
This weekend, London and I went for sushi, then to hear some live music, and had such a great discussion that we did not want to end..literally! So we ended up having breakfast and watching football yesterday. I’m stepping up my game because these guys have definitely brought their A game. Dare I say that conditions are favorable for a fall/winter romance? I don’t want to jinx it, so I will say I am cautiously optimistic.
Happy Monday!
Permalink | Comments (253) | Post your comment | Categories: Current Events
Manbattical - I need a break!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
OK, I’ve said it before, probably on this very blog, but this time I mean it. No really, I do! I’m going on manbattical, a self-imposed break from dating that lasts from now until, well, haven’t figured that out yet.
Why the hiatus from hunnies? To clear my mind, I suppose. While I haven’t had a boyfriend in nearly two years, I’ve been dating like it’s my job. In fact, I haven’t gone more than a few weeks without a date since more than a year ago.
Some would say I’m fortunate to meet so many people, and while it was fun for a time, I’m beginning to think I’m losing sight of what I really want. Maybe I should be more selective, which could have helped me avoid wasting time with guys like the loser-artist-jerk from awhile back or the psycho online crybaby.
I want to focus on myself for a few months, getting back to Blanca basics. And I think I’ll wait around for the guy who meets my criteria, instead of hanging out with less-than-stellar others in the interim.
So my dear virtual friends, are manbatticals (womanbatticals, for some of you) a good thing? How many of you have taken a break from dating — and I don’t mean you sat at home because no one was asking you out — and what did you learn from it?
Oh, and happy Friday!
Search Atlanta volunteer opportunities for singles
Permalink | Comments (339) | Post your comment | Categories: Self-improvement
Dating your friend’s ex?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Chatting with two of my girlfriends, I realized that they have something in common — both of them say their worst heartbreak came from dating a friend’s ex.
Their stories are similar. First, they’ll tell you that it was a mistake they made in their early 20s, something they’d never do again. Both of them dated these guys for a couple years. Each girl lost her former friend because of the relationship, and both of my buddies still seem to beat themselves up over this faux pas.
Girls can be rough on eachother, but we are also pretty dang hard on ourselves. Do guys carry the same type of guilt over this type of situation? And fellas, do you have the same territorial sense over your old flames, and have you ended friendships with guys who have dated an ex?
Would love to hear your experiences. And by the way, does dating a friend’s ex become less of an issue as we get older? Once a friend brands a lover, is said lover his or hers for life?
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When a man loves a woman, can he get enough?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
As you all know, I’m happy to help out a reader in need of dating advice. This one comes from a lurker (let’s call her Sharon) who has been seeing the same fellow monogamously for two years.
They’ve dropped the L-bomb and rarely argue, but they don’t spend as much time together as she would like. They see eachother Friday and Saturday nights, as well as Sunday afternoon, but at his wishes not during the week. And when her boyfriend took a week of vacation (a stay-cation, as he didn’t leave the area), he didn’t invite her over. Further, her boyfriend doesn’t call everyday, though she’d like him to.
Sharon said she’s talked to her boyfriend about the casual communication, but he says he doesn’t have time to call or hang out, or he figured she was simply busy. (Other piece of information: he’s been single for 12 years.)
Sharon doesn’t doubt that he loves her - he tells her so all the time - but wonders if it’s normal for him to only want to see her every so often. She wants to feel more wanted, but is she overanalyzing? To you fellas: when you love a woman, do you want to see her all the time? Or are weekends (prime time in Blanca’s book) good enough?
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The sweets too soon?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I admit it, maybe I’m fickle. I want an affectionate man, but I worry when said sweets come too soon.
Case in point, meet “Peter,” the guy I’ve been seeing as of late. We had a pretty decent first date about a month ago (overall pleasant, though no sparks), but he did something that really threw me off: he held my hand. Whoa, I thought to myself. Kind of soon for that level of affection, no? I’ve sooner made out with a guy than hold his hand, which seems terribly tender and romantic and the stuff of coupledom, which we certainly weren’t after just one date.
By the next meeting, he had taken to calling me honey. And sweetie. And baby. This was peppered with kissing my forehead and face, intermixed with “you’re so wonderful” and “I just adore you.”
Since then, we’ve been on five or six dates. I enjoy spending time with him, but I can’t say I look at him and see my unborn children. And while I thought I wanted a man who adores me as much as I hope to fancy him, I have to admit that all this affection has me a bit weirded out. Is he forcing it? How can he know me well enough to feel that way? To me, it’s like he’s assumed a level of intimacy that I don’t think we’ve earned as a couple, and it makes me wonder if it’s really about me or simply his desire to be in a relationship.
So my MIA friends, am I being fickle or is gut instinct the way to go? Have you had relationships where affection and “adoration” are instant, and instantly make you wonder why?
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