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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2008 > November
November 2008
All I want for Christmas is somebody, anybody!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Happy Black Friday! First things first: Good news! The dessert I prepared for Roland’s family’s Thanksgiving was a huge hit. I thought at first everyone was humoring me, but when I saw none of my pumpkin roll was left, I breathed my first sigh of relief. And as I hoped, everyone welcomed me with open arms. A great holiday!
On Wednesday as I baked the pumpkin dessert, I listened to Christmas songs, most notably Mariah Carey’s holiday album from years ago. Throw in some Nat King Cole, some Harry Connick Jr., some Bing Crosby and even Amy Grant’s ancient album. (My mother often played that record, so it has some nostalgia for Blanca.)
Many of the songs, like Mariah’s “All I Want for Christmas,” center around the concept of missing an Ex during the holidays, or perhaps just wanting a significant other with whom to share the special times.
I was thinking about this as a girlfriend of mine called me Wednesday from the airport, complaining that she was seated across from two lovebirds canoodling as they traveled home for the holidays. She mentioned that she’s particularly down spending the day as a single woman watching others in love.
What is it about the holidays that make us a want a partner? Why isn’t just spending it with family and friends enough? For those of you who are happy and content as strong single folk, do you find your mood changes once the mistletoe is hung?
author=Blanca
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Giving thanks for family, even when they’re not yours.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This year’s Thanksgiving is sure to be memorable. Why? Because I’m meeting a certain someone’s family for the first time.
Yes, I know. We’ve only been dating a short while, but things are strangely very comfortable and rather serious, so I accepted Roland’s offer to have me join his family tomorrow. (Full disclosure: he met my parents last weekend. We’re jumping in headfirst, I suppose!)
I have the normal meet-the-family-the-first-time jitters. Will they be warm and receptive? Will they like me? How harshly will they judge my cooking? (I’m taking a pumpkin roll to the meal. Wish me luck!) Is that whacky sister of his indeed as whacky as he warned? Will they watch how I interact with the nieces and nephews?
We both want eachother’s families, of course, to accept us as a sort of missing piece to the puzzle. Open-armed. Glad to see you. Come on in we’ve been waiting our whole lives type thing. In a way, we want eachother’s families to be our second set of hugs and support.
Of course, there’s always a downside: when you break-up. In my last serious relationship, my brother and father became very attached to my ex-boyfriend, so much so that they even invited him on a golfing trip after our two-year relationship ended. (They asked my permission first, but I didn’t have the heart to tell them no. I knew they missed him a great deal.)
Meeting your partner’s family brings on a whole new set of issues; maybe you’ll love them, maybe you won’t. Maybe they’re insane, maybe they’re not. Heck, you could even end up liking them more than you do your partner.
What’s your best advice when it comes to meeting your significant other’s family? Who here has horror stories, and what about you who have had some of your most memorable experiences thanks to a partner’s family?
No blog tomorrow, so have yourself a Happy Thanksgiving!
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Giving thanks for focus
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If all goes right, the older we get, the more we know about ourselves and what we want from a partner. Sure, I’ve always gone for the uber-bright fellows, though years ago humor and inner-calm weren’t as important. And not even a decade ago, I liked spending time with people far different from myself and those who broadened my horizons.
As I’ve gotten a wee bit older, I find myself looking for love with someone who shares my ideals, wants the same things out of life and can be a partner and companion. Yes, I’m still looking for someone who can teach me things and keep me on my toes, but finding my best friend in my mate is the top priority.
Roland recently asked me what I think is the No. 1 quality women seek in a man.
I paused. I was briefly stumped. And then I offered this: stability.
I turned the question back to him, to which he smiled and said: “Well, it depends on the age of the man.”
What is the No. 1 thing a man in his 20s wants from a woman? What about a man in his 30s? Does it change in the decades thereafter?
What does a 20 or 30-something woman seek in a man? And for those of you in your 40s and 50s, is what you’re seeking in a partner now dramatically different than your goals years ago?
And as we are on Turkey Countdown, let’s give thanks for developing some focus in this circus called the dating world. What are you most thankful for realizing when it comes to finding Mr./Ms. Right?
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Giving thanks to yourself
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
With Thanksgiving upon us, I am in the mood for gratitude. And with any creative luck, my hope is that this week’s blogs will allow us to give thanks for the good, bad and downright weird lessons life and love bring us.
If its true that you must be good with “you” before making a solid “we,” let’s focus on giving thanks for our strengths. When it comes to relationships, what are your skills? (No, not those skills!)
In my case, I believe I’m a fairly strong communicator. I’ve been told I’m able to convey my thoughts, even in disagreements, clearly and without stepping on anyone’s toes.
For good measure, I asked Roland what he thought. He said he enjoys my forthrightness, but more importantly, likes that I tell him how I feel about him or what I appreciate about him in unexpected moments.
Now it’s your turn. What are three of your best (G-rated) skills when it comes to love?
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Bitter Breakup Playlist
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I hate to be the bearer of bad dating news, but it needs to be said: Statistically speaking, many of us are going to dump or be dumped in the coming weeks. It is primarily because of the holiday trifecta that is rough on relationships (and “situation-ships”): Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and Valentine’s day.
That’s right, some single people feel the need to get rid of the shaky, expiration-dating relationships in order to avoid awkward gift exchanges, tense road trips, boring family dinners, or mediocre sex. It’s a tacky thing, I know! Sadly, there is nothing you can do to stop it. The best thing to do is to be prepared.
Music has a way of capturing emotions that people go through in relationships. The good, the bad, and the bi-polar, it’s all been written in a love song. You should get your breakup kits ready, starting with the best bitter breakup playlist you can create.
If you could compile a playlist of songs about breakups, what would you choose? Do you have a song that reminds you of a time when you were going through a break-up?
The Bitter Breakup Playlist is only good for 48 hrs, no need to wallow in self pity! What songs would you put on your Getting My Groove Back Playlist?
How do you get your groove back after a break up? Since we are on the topic of breakups, what is the nicest way to end things? Why is it that men tend not want to discuss the breakup? Why do we look back on a relationship so negatively when it ends, forgetting all the good things that actually happened too?
Happy Friday!
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One Night Stand
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I have nothing against the idea of dating multiple people, as long as you are being honest about it. If you have not met the person that compels you to shut down your rotation, perhaps you need more time to figure things out. However, if you have met that person and you both have had “the talk”, things change. The expectations of a relationship are such that you both agree to focus on each other exclusively. So when you hook up with random people, you are sending a clear message: you aren’t ready.
If you are dating someone, and they tell you they had a one night stand, do you continue dating them? Would it make a difference if you were not yet intimate when the one night stand happened?
A reader emailed me saying that the woman he was dating told him that she had a one night stand, but did not want their new relationship to be impacted. He said he appreciated her honesty, but he was not sure why she told him. His opinion of her changed dramatically because he thought they were both ready for exclusive relationship. Does the one night stand means she is not the one? Do you think she was wrong to tell him what happened?
If you were in a relationship, could you get past someone having a one night stand/fling with someone else? Honestly, I am surprised people still have one night stands! Oh how I look fondly on the good old days of random, inappropriate hook ups.
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Vanity, Thy Name is “Man”
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I tend to enjoy checking out the bachelor pad aka his bat cave - just because I am curious (nosy?) about his home life. After doing a quick scan for baby items and kid’s toys (don’t laugh, I’ve been burned before!), I generally can tell a few things about the guy. Most of which are things I already knew or gathered from the first couple of dates and conversation.
When I was at “Ed’s” place, I went to his personal bathroom and noticed his collection of products. I wasn’t snooping (yet), but I had arrived just as he was shaving, so he told me to follow him there.
I made a sarcastic remark about his amount of prep time compared to mine, and he said that his grooming game was always on point. Well, I have to hand it to him, when he goes out, he looks as if he stepped off a photo shoot. I appreciate it, so much too! Goodness, there is nothing like a good-looking, well-groomed guy.
Guys, exactly how much “manscaping” do you do? Do you own a lot of grooming products, aside from shaving cream/aftershave? How often do you get haircuts? How long does it take you to dress for work, or a date? Have you ever been told that you were “vain” because you took great care of your appearance?
Ladies, do you think men are more vain then women these days? In your opinion, what is “overkill” for a guy’s grooming habits? Have you ever checked out guy’s place to gather a little more insight on his personality? Did you ever see signs of vanity?
Let’s keep it light and fun, people Happy Wednesday!
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I Need a Man
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’ve been having good conversations with friends lately about relationships. We were debating want vs. need in two ways:
Should you be with the man/woman you want? Or is it better to be with the man/woman you need? Do you think they differ? I believe that the man I’ve always wanted probably doesn’t exist. Truthfully, science and technology nerds that sing like Maxwell are probably a figment of my imagination. Hey, a girl can dream! I want a man that adores me and wants me to be happy. I need a man that can tell me no from time to time, and not give in to me on every single thing. Do you know your need vs wants in a mate?
Do you think you it is better to need a mate or want a mate? I had a deep conversation recently with a man who wondered if I would make room in my life or even needed someone. Some people don’t like being single, but I happen to be the type that loves it. I think I do need a man to be happy, yet I feel as if I can be pretty content with my life being single.
I can admit, however that giving up some indefinable part of myself to be in a marriage strikes a little nerve. I think this is something most people think about before committing, though. If you are in a new relationship or marriage, how did you deal with this?
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Strong, Silent Type
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’ve heard the line opposites attract, but a quick scan over my own dating history and I notice that I end up with guys very similar to me in personality. Turns out, this is a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing when we both are in to the same past times, music, cultural interests, etc. This makes our couple “merge” fun and seamless.
The curse part comes in when I am matched with a guy who, like me, is not big on “emotional” stuff. When it comes to talking about the relationship, I tend to avoid it. I am the type that prefers not to drag out problems in a relationship to dissect and analyze.
Sadly, my conflict resolution usually involves me resolving the conflict by bailing out. Not good for someone who wants a meaningful relationship!
I know men are sometimes blamed for having intimacy issues, but I honestly can say that I definitely have my own. Have you ever dated someone who was emotionally guarded?
What do you do when the person you are dating is the strong, silent type?
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Deal or no deal
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In the search for the perfect mate, it’s easy to rattle off a few qualities we seek in a partner. Some might want humor, others generosity, others still burning passion.
But as we imagine our dream man or woman, what qualities are absolutely out of the picture? As I write this, the words laziness, selfishness and recklessness come to mind.
Nobody’s perfect, so there’s a degree of compromise and tolerance in any pairing, but what qualities have you determined to be absolute deal-breakers in your path to relationship success?
Drug use? Poor management of money? Lack of ambition?
Let’s hear your top three turn-offs in a mate. And while we’re at it, name three qualities about yourself that you’d like to improve.
Happy Friday!
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The husband away from home?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Here’s a headline grabber: “Seven Signs You Have a Work Spouse.”
This CNN/Careerbuilder.com story addresses relationships most of us witness every Monday through Friday. You know, co-workers who take on projects together, finish eachother’s sentences, know one another’s personal lives and/or lunch almost daily.
Many of these relationships are innocent enough, but I can think of more than one time I’ve wondered about how close some colleagues truly are. It’s not unreasonable to think that we really get to know someone after 40 hours together weekly, but when does that good relationship begin to affect our relationships at home?
My girlfriend is experiencing this hazy world now. The guy she is seeing has openly talked about a female co-worker who recently told him she’d like to pursue their relationship outside the office. He insists he’s not interested, but says they are good friends and he doesn’t want to completely shut her out. He also acknowledged that people in the office used to tease that he and his coworker were married, a joke his female colleague was more than happy to run with.
My friend, of course, is not amused. She feels that he hasn’t clearly established boundaries between professional and personal, and I can’t disagree.
Have any of your work relationships begun to impinge on your love life? Have you had what you thought were platonic professional relationships, only to find out the colleague wanted more? Is your significant other jealous by a friendship you maintain at the office?
Gentle reminder that Blanca is out today and Wise Diva is moderating. Have a great Thursday!
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Attention all football fans: Score with Me
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
And by me, I mean author and comedian Amy Borkowsky. The Manhattan-based woman aims to raise $3 million to run a commercial advertisement for Mr. Right. As of Tuesday, she raised nearly $4,000 on her fantastically pink and aptly named website: Superbowlsinglegirl.com.
Only $3.6 million to go to find true love…because beer-slinging, wing-eating, football-lovin’ men are surely looking for a new wife whilst watching titans collide.
And by the way, Borkowsky said if doesn’t reach her goal she will donate the money to charity.
We chatted awhile back about advertising for a mate through word of mouth. You know, telling your girlfriends and their mothers to keep an eye out for you. Since then, my friend showed me the hilarious venue of the single ads on Comcast, clearly a conglomerate of the drunkest most desperate folk in the region.
What’s the most daring thing you’ve done to get a date? Have you or someone you know participated in Comcast ads or anything more public than dating websites? And do you think Borkowsky really hopes to win a man, or simple media attention from folks like me?
BTW - Blanca is taking her first vacation of the year today through Friday, so Ms. Wise Diva will be moderating the conversations. Have a great week everyone!
Photo Credit: Shelley Ng/WPIX
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How do you know if “you just know”
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Raise your cyber hand if you’ve heard this: “When you meet The One, you just know.”
We hear it from our mothers, our friends, strangers who talk of how they fell in love. Many of us have been conditioned to think that despite the complicated twists and turns of the dating world, somehow everything melts away from jump with “The One.” And how do you know?
Allegedly, you just do.
I’ve trained myself to ignore this advice. I call BS, in fact. There have been one or two times I thought I knew someone was really special, yet it didn’t work out. And heck, y’all know Blanca dates a lot, so what should make a new guy different? Maybe my pattern is just to get overly excited and then be done with it, and quickly.
These days, should a little feeling or voice in my head (or the proverbial heart) suggest something is really different, I push it down. Certainly, I might gush to my friends about the guy, but I stop short anymore of saying or thinking “I just know” when what I actually know is how stupid I’ll feel if I’m wrong.
But here’s what I do know: I’ve met someone with whom I want to spend all my free time, even if we’re doing nothing. Someone who makes our departure the most difficult part of my day. Someone I’ve known only a few weeks, but feels as though I’ve known forever. Someone who makes my world better just by existing. Maybe like a teammate Blanca wants to keep around awhile.
I refuse to think I “know” anything…other than I want to take it day by day and hope good days turn into good months or maybe even years.
OK - calling all reality checks. Tell me that you’ve felt the same kind of thing but that it’s nothing and will pass. Call me out on this BS and explain that its basically what you’re supposed to feel when you are crushing on someone - nothing more, nothing less. I want to hear your stories of being wrong on “The One.”
And back to the original question: Do you believe you’ll “just know”?
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A first for Blanca: a date with Church
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Welcome back to the work week!
I’m riding high as I share this Blanca-single-life first: I went to church with a boy.
That may not sound like much, but read me out. I grew up in the Church, know the Bible fairly extensively and consider myself a Christian. But I’m not nearly as religious as I used to be…I really only go to service when I’m home with my family for the holidays and haven’t yet found a “church home” here in Atlanta.
You may recall from our last web gathering that I was gearing up for a first date with “Roland.” Even before Roland and I met up a week ago, we discussed our religious upbringings. He mentioned a Church in Buckhead he wanted to check out, to which I nervously blurted: “Are you inviting me on a date to CHURCH?”
And yes, yes he was. He wanted someone to go with him to his first non-Catholic mass, and I was just curious enough to try it out. Heck, if nothing else it might make a good story.
My mother, a former Sunday School teacher, was of course elated.
We went this weekend. In short, the service was pleasant, nothing earth-shattering. A little megachurch for my taste. What struck me, however, was how much I enjoyed sharing the experience with Roland, almost like baring a certain vulnerability in giving praise to a Higher power together. A kind of unexpected bonding, I suppose.
I know we have some Church-going folks on this blog, those of you with far more experience in this arena than I. How many of you have worshipped with someone in an early courtship, and how did it affect your relationship? If you aren’t particularly religious, would you be uncomfortable if someone invited you along? And lastly, do you agree that “the couple who prays together, stays together?”
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The Confidence Conundrum
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A lot of singles in Atlanta that I meet seem to exude confidence. It can be seen in the way they carry themselves or the manner in which they engage others. There are times that it can be hard to determine exactly when the confidence line is crossed. I’ve been spending time with a guy of interest who occasionally has sauntered into the dangerous territory of arrogance.
It’s been a problem for me before because I am naturally drawn to the confident type, yet I seem to get turned off by it at times. Maybe I am unrealistic in expecting a healthy dose of confidence minus the occasional jerk behavior. How do you distinguish between confidence and arrogance?
Then there is the issue of my own sense of confidence. A single woman often has to walk a tightrope of being aware of her self-worth, without having a heightened sense of self that turns men off. We definitely don’t want to be walked all over, either. Do men really want a women who is confident? Is this an admirable female trait?
What do you consider confident behavior? What do you consider confident behavior gone wrong? I believe I can handle most confident men, but I do have my limits too. What do you think is tolerable behavior and what is insufferable?
Happy Friday!
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Should’ve put a ring on it
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Have you ever been contacted by an ex-flame who wanted to know why you two didn’t work out? Let me tell you, not fun. Last week, I received a call from someone I dated years ago. This guy is on my short list of “I did him so wrong” exes, because I have a little bit of guilt about how I handled the breakup. Ok it was more of a fade to black, disappearing act.
There were plenty of reasons not to get involved with him in the first place: worked at the same company (different divisions), he was NINE years my junior (when you are twenty-something, it kind of matters!), and we differed culturally. Alas, he was too yummy and eager to pass up, so I pretty much used him as a boy toy; not fully grasping how much he really fell for me, uh until he called me last week.
He still has my photos, still thinks about our time together, and asked me, “Did you ever love me?” I mean, how do you respond to that? I am not a fan of closure because it is all just so, pointless. I always thought men were like this too! Apparently I dated the only guy on the planet that actually wanted closure. Great.
What do you do when your exes contact you asking for closure? Do you make something up to make them feel better? Do you spin it to make yourself out to be the bad guy, thereby letting them completely off the hook? Do you serve them the cold, harsh reality about why things ended?
Guys, is there someone from your past that you think you should have proposed to? Does the person know that you considered them wife material? Have you ever contacted an ex to ask them about the relationship?
Ladies, is there someone from your past that pops up every now and then to see if you are still single, open to a rendezvous, or ready to try again? How did you handle it?
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Year of the Gentleman
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It’s a new day. and we have a brand new President-Elect, Barack Obama. Over the last two years, we have been watching this man endure some pretty tumultuous situations. One thing that stands out to me was his ability and willingness to deflect negativity.
I was reminded of what Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once wrote, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”
I read somewhere that a man, at his best, gives the best of himself - even during the most trying times of his life. Even when he is struggling with the pressures that life can bring. I thought that President-Elect Obama demonstrated a side of men we don’t celebrate enough - the gentleman.
Ladies, are you meeting or dating gentleman? How do you recognize a true gentleman? Do you think your idea of “being a gentleman” is realistic with today’s society?
Guys, do you agree that it’s the year of the gentleman? Do you think chivalry and honor is being modernized? How are you a gentleman on the dating scene?
I hope you all had a wonderful time watching history being made!
Happy Wednesday!
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Election Day
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Happy Election Day!
I admit that dating, relationships, or sadly, sex is not on my mind right now. I am totally consumed with polls, pundits, and politics today. I am diagnosing myself with election anxiety disorder.
Politics have been a great distraction for me. If I wasn’t out, then I was on AJC’s website, watching CNN, or reading blogs. What am I going to do when this all ends? Oh right, act normal!
It’s been quite a year in politics, with many twists and turns. Some would even say that voting has started to resemble dating. Instead of focusing on issues, too much of the discussion has been about who we “identify” with. Or who compels us the most. Who do we feel a connection with the most. Do you think this was a good trend or a bad one?
Did this election season impact your dating life? Are you glad it’s almost over?
Whatever happens today, it will be a day to remember, one for the history books, and we have you covered:
Whatever you do, please make sure you get out and vote!
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Mad Men, Mad Women
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
There’s something about Halloween that gives single people carte blanche to release their inhibitions, if only for a few hours. Ah yes, yours truly was no different, I channeled my inner Joan Holloway and had wicked fun with friends who hosted a tv/movie themed Holloween party.
If you haven’t heard about Mad Men before, it’s a show on AMC network, set in the 1960s. It’s centered around a fictional advertising agency on Madison Avenue, hence the name. Joan Holloway’s character is a redheaded bombshell who manages the secretaries at the firm.
Warning: This clip has mature content
In a recent episode*, Joan’s boyfriend wanted to fool around in an empty office. When she protested, he basically disregarded her wishes.
The scene reminded me of the “gray rape” controversy that received a lot of attention about this time last year. It was defined as “a kind of sex that falls somewhere between consent and denial” in an article from a women’s magazine.
Anyone who completely disregards your wishes in the bedroom should not be considered a catch, to put it mildly. I think it speaks volumes about the person and how they would treat you in a relationship or marriage.
As a matter of fact, a good rule of thumb, if they don’t ask you, it’s because they don’t care. Does the person who wants a relationship care what you think? They should!
Have you heard of the term gray rape before? Many people are offended by the term alone - and you can count me in that number. What are your thoughts?
If you were to draft a Bedroom Bill of Rights, what kind of personal rights would you want your partner to know?
Permalink | Comments (205) | Post your comment | Categories: Let's talk about sex
