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August 2006
K-K-K-Katie!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Don’t do it, Serf.
Don’t stick your finger in the light socket, don’t rouse the rabble, don’t tie a big juicy pork chop ‘round your neck and dance nekkid in front of a ravenous dog.
You will be sorry. Your humble computer will so quickly overflow with overheated responses that you’ll spontaneously combust and all that will remain is a singed piece of your precious blue polka dotted ascot from the Jeremy Piven Emmy Wear Collection.
And yet mention Her I must. The holiday weekend’s coming, folks will be distracted by the Tech-Notre Dame game or some Labor Day Insanity Sale on support hose and before you know it, it’ll be Tuesday night. And She’ll be there. Sitting in the “CBS Evening News” anchor chair.
Katie Couric.
(A brief pause so the Serf can duck for cover)
Seriously, what is it about K-K-K-Katie that gets folks so stirred up — in ways both good AND bad? She got lots of important interviews. On the other hand, no Olympics was complete without Katie shamelessly ham-boning it up on the balance beam or in the high jump pit. Whatever. I’m still picking the shrapnel out of my butt from when she left the “Today Show” and a short AJC article I wrote brought in tons of e-mail that essentially said one of two things: Katie rocks! Or, Katie is Satan!
Way more men put her in the Satan camp (a lot of them put me in there too, hmm), but that’s hardly a scientific sampling. Not like this here blog. The Couric Era’s about to begin so, once and for all, what is it about her that so tickles folks or ticks them off?
Oh, dear. The Serf can already sense that pork chop starting to tighten around her neck …
Tunnel Vision
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Is it buried under the Downtown Connector?
Hidden somewhere — God help us — near Spaghetti Junction?
Does it take Georgia Cruise Cards?
Where, exactly, IS this tunnel they were nattering on and on about Monday night on “Vanished?”
Did you happen to catch Episode 2 of the new Fox series, which comes on right after “Prison Break” and is set in Atlanta? The whole show is lousy with Da Vinci Code-meets-Watergate-meets-Peyton Place-ish conspiracies and mysteries, the biggest one involving a Georgia senator’s wife suddenly gone missing. At the beginning of the episode, our heroic FBI duo (Gale Harold, Ming-Na) thought they had a bead on her, so they strapped on their pistols and hardhats and flew off to the tunnel!
Come again?
Apparently it’s an extremely well-known Atlanta hotspot, because the characters all kept spitting out lines like, “There’s the tunnel!” and “Send a team to the tunnel!” and “Nobody goes to the tunnel anymore now that Atlantic Station’s open.” OK, that last one’s made-up. But imagine how pathetic the Serf felt, sitting there in front of the TV in the blue polka dotted ascot she’s taken to wearing in honor of Emmy winner Jeremy Piven, and not even knowing where they were in her own city. Sigh.
Wait. It just gets worse. Or what would you call it when Harold’s character spied an abandoned subterranean city through a jagged hole in the tunnel wall?
Throw in a slow-dropping peach on New Year’s Eve and the Serf calls it Underground Atlanta.
A K-Fed-eral crime!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Is “CSI” stealing a page from “The Producers’” playbook?
Seriously, we knew the CBS series was shaking a little in its groovy crime lab boots at the prospect of going head-to-head with “Grey’s Anatomy” on Thursdays this fall. But whoda’ thunk they’d intentionally try to alienate viewers as part of a diabolical scheme to fail so badly they somehow end up winning?
That’s the only possible explanation for Monday’s breathless announcement that Kevin Federline — aka K-Fed, aka Mr. Britney Spears, aka The Big Mooch — will guest star on an upcoming episode. According to the press release that landed in the Serf’s humble in-box, he’ll play “an arrogant teenager.” Well, one out of two ain’t bad.
This all would make more sense if: a) “CSI” wasn’t the No. 1-scripted show on TV (and No. 2 overall, right behind “American Idol”) or b) It was “CSI: Miami,” where a “mysterious hungry alligator incident” was at least a possibility. But no, it had to be the jewel in the “CSI” crown where K-Fed went and agreed to put in an honest day’s work —
— Oops, not to worry! It’ll never happen…..
The Morning After….
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Let the backbiting and backstabbing begin!
Blythe Danner, you give that Emmy to Jean Smart, Sandra Oh or Chandra Wilson now. Right now! And who else is up for running “The Amazing Race” out of town for beating “American Idol” again and — worst of all — “Project Runway?” As for a certain undeserving “Monk” star’s third Emmy win in four years, well, there’s a reason “Shaloub” rhymes with “boob tube.”
Ah, but now that we’re talking boobs, did you HEAR what winner Helen Mirren said on live television when she picked up her Emmy for Outstanding Actress in a movie or miniseries? No? Well, Google away my prettys, while the rest of us discuss how Sunday night’s Emmy Awards ceremony was like television itself: Annoying, exhilarating, stupid, hilarious, in-your-face and SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE OSCARS!
No doubt about it. It’s not just the fact that the Emmy show actually ran short (the Serf swears the 1987 Oscars show is s-t-i-l-l going on); or that the place was lousy with movie stars. The last time the Serf saw Harrison Ford, it was in “Hollywood Homicide” and she paid $8.50 for the pleasure, cough, cough! Yet there he was on her TV screen for free last night, alongside his girlfriend, Calista Flockhart.
No, it was the fact that the audience actually laughed at the jokes host Conan O’Brien made at their expense (no one laughs at the Oscars unless advised to by a team of lawyers, agents and makeup artists). Even better, they booed! When “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell came out to introduce the Dick Clark tribute, you could actually hear a fair amount of boo-ing aimed at the man who — let’s face it — pretty much helped save broadcast television. The Serf would love to think this was a drolly ironic group commentary on Cowell’s status as “Idol’s” resident meanie, but one suspects that would be giving this crowd way too much credit. That suspicion was confirmed when “Idol” again lost the Outstanding Reality Competition Emmy to “The Amazing Race” for a season in which the latter sent annoyingly perky or argumentative families to a bunch of boring places that they all — alas — managed to make their way back from. Ugh. TV can be a very ugly business.
Except for when it’s disturbingly, uh, pretty. Did any of you happen to catch the tribute to the late, cheesily great, Aaron Spelling? By the time Joan Collins, Kate Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Stephen Collins, Heather Locklear and others had all been hauled onstage, it was like getting to see “Nip/Tuck” without having to pay for cable. Still, they all came off looking better than Shaloub, who accepted his Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Actor by disingenuously sighing, “There’s been a terrible mistake” (No argument there. Steve Carell, you were robbed!). “I never win anything,” continued Shaloub, who knew that we all knew he won the same award last year and in 2003.
It was so incredibly two-faced. And it was the Serf’s favorite moment in an Emmy ceremony that turned out to be shorter and sweeter than expected. Well, shorter anyway.
What did you think? Give us all your thoughts on the winners, losers, and the best and worst Emmy moments.
Dancing with Emmy…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
“WHY is Warren Beatty at the Emmys?”
Tonight’s telecast had barely gotten started when a colleague sent that e-mail question hurtling from his home computer into the Serf’s humble in-box (never let it be said that AJC employees aren’t dedicated … or bored on Sunday nights). Said co-worker knew Beatty is married to nominee (for the HBO flick “Mrs. Harris”) Annette Bening, but still he wondered, wasn’t this a bit of a come-down for Mr. Big Time Movie Star?
Well if it was, then what were fellow Oscar winners Jon Voight, Ben Kingsley and Jeremy Irons all doing there, too! Hoping to pick up Emmys to go along with their Oscars, that’s what. All this goes to prove that either TV is getting very, very good or the movies are getting very, very bad.
Or maybe they all just wanted to see Barry Manilow perform live and in person during the Dick Clark tribute. (Probably none of them expected their Oscar Brigade would go one for three — only Irons won — while Manilow snagged the Emmy for Outstanding Individual Performance in a Musical or Variety Program. Speaking of come-downs…).
But hey, let’s cut Barry some slack. He told an interviewer on the red carpet that he’d delayed hip surgery just so he could limp his way through the tribute to Clark, the so-called “eternal teenager” now himself hobbled by the after-effects of a stroke.
Hearing all this made the Serf feel all warm and fuzzy about the Emmys.
And old. Very old.
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Suri? Or Surly?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It’s Emmy night, and let me tell you, the stars aren’t the only ones with tough decisions to make. While they’re wrestling with which designer’s gazillion-dollar ensemble to wear (for free) or how many times to drive around the block to make sure EVERYONE sees them arriving in one of those environmentally sound electric tuna fish can cars, we viewers are on the horns of our own dilemma as the clock clicks down to showtime:
TV Guide Channel’s red carpet show or E!’s?
Joan and Melissa Rivers, or Ryan Seacrest and, um, whoever? (who ARE all those poor schmoes who’ve been standing around in evening gowns talking Emmy trivia since about 10 a.m. PST Sunday?)
Holy moley, you could get carpal tunnel syndrome from all the flicking back-and-forth!
For awhile, the Serf was mesmerized by TV Guide, where Joan was counting down to the 1000th red carpet interview of her illustrious career by having unfortunate folks like Howie Mandel and “House’s” Lisa Edelstein smack a giant button that told them what number they were (This just in: Seal and Heidi Klum were numbers 998 and 999. Auf Wiedersein, Heidi. So close…)
Fortunately, I flicked over to E! just in time to see Atlanta homeboy, Ryan Seacrest, chatting up Leah Remini. She’s on “The King of Queens,” but much more important in the whole geopolitical scheme of things, she’s a friend of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Which means she’s seen the alleged Baby Suri!
It was delicious watching Ryan try to get Remini to commit to getting Tom and Katie to commit to displaying Baby Suri to the world — while making it clear he felt really, really dirty doing so.
“I want everyone to see the baby so I can stop reporting no one’s seen the baby,” Seacrest sighed at one point. Because, you know, when he took that job on E!, he figured he’d only be doing Mike Wallace-like interviews (“Tell me, King Jong Il, who are you wearing when you’re sashaying around North Korea’s nuclear launch pad?”)
But the Serf needn’t have worried, because Leah Remini handled the whole thing beautifully. Which is to say witheringly. Best moment? When Seacrest summoned up all his good Southern manners to ask “You’ve seen it, right?” Remini barely paused: “Yes. But I like to call ‘it’ her.”
For the rest of the interview, Ryan looked like Joan’s big button after getting smacked repeatedly by Howie Mandel.
Sunday, Emmy Sunday
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
All of us who labor here in the TV palace will be online and blogging during Sunday night’s Emmy broadcast. Check in early and often to discuss the good, the bad and the hair-raising (the Serf will not be responsible for her actions if she hears the words “Two and a Half Men” spoken anywhere within proximity of “And the winner is….”). And don’t miss our followup Monday morning.
cry me a (joan) rivers
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
“Who are you wearing?”
Somewhere right now, Joan Rivers is practicing hurling that question in her trademark bray at umpteen celebrities on the Emmys red carpet — several of whom she may even recognize (Admit it. We all watch these red carpet shows in hopes that Elvis himself will come back and not only will Our Miss Joan neglect to ask The King where he’s been holed up eating fried peanut butter-and-banana samwiches all these years, she’ll also mistake him for a wisecracking young med student on “Scrubs.”)
All of this was already on the Serf’s mind even before a certain press release arrived in her humble in-box Thursday. So earthshattering were its contents, it forced her to temporarily suspend her search for that just-so bit of sackcloth to wear while blogging the Emmys Sunday night and read up on the historic happenings on TV Guide Channel.
And no, smartypants readers, the historic happening is NOT TV Guide Channel actually getting mentioned in print. It’s the fact that Team Rivers — surely you’re all also shudderingly familiar with Melissa, Joan’s prematurely-screechy, preternaturally-tanned daughter? — is slated to conduct its 1000th red carpet interview during the cable channel’s Emmy’s pre-game show (6-8 p.m. EST Sunday). Nobody knows yet who it will be — limo gridlock could delay some arrivals, Cloris Leachman may pull a hamstring and be a late scratch. Anything could happen!
Fortunately for all you out there in Fantasy Red Carpet Leagues, Vegas has issued odds. Annette Bening is the 20/1 favorite of the oddsmaker at the Wynn Las Vegas. David Hasselhoff brings up the rear at 175/1, but he can comfort himself with the knowledge that he’s always the Serf’s favorite.
One thing you can make book on: Whoever Mr. or Ms. 1000 turns out to be, Joan will mistake ‘em for somebody else.
Who do YOU hope the landmark unlucky interviewee will turn out to be, and why? And what would you ask Joan on the red carpet? Most important, who are you wearing?
Serf’s Up! New TV Blog
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
And now for a brief commercial interruption …
Remember commercials? No? Well, way, way back in the days before TiVo, DVR and season-long DVD compilations, people actually had to put up with ads disrupting the artistic flow of their “Matlockâ€? or “WKRP In Cincinnatiâ€?-viewing experiences. It was all so distasteful, so crass, so unlike anything your humble servant would ever be involved in.
Rest assured, the Channel Serf’s not peddling anything. Nothing, that is, except the notion of this blog as a bottomless font of TV talk, critiques, info and the occasional insightful observation like “ ‘Law & Order’ is on a lot, y’know?�
Despite what you might have heard, the Channel Serf was not born with a remote control where her brain should be (don’task about her bellybutton).
She only worked her way up to the highly demanding job of Professional Television Watcher after years spent covering courts, politics and one particularly obscure Olympic sport for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. While this obviously makes her the country’s foremost “Sopranos�/synchronized swimming scholar, she’s not cocky about it. She welcomes your feedback, although be warned, you’ll likely get one of two responses:
“Oh yeah?� Or, “Which one of us is smart enough to get PAID to watch TV, pal?� (The Serf may be a serf, but the Serf is no fool.)
End of commercial. Let’s talk Emmys. They’re this Sunday night, you know, which seems fiendishly early. It has to do with NBC’s pro football broadcast schedule, not that that’s the ONLY scheduling controversy swirling this year, heh, heh. ABC, which has its knickers in a knot about getting almost no “Lost� or “Desperate Housewives� nominations love, has slated “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl� to run directly opposite poor little Emmy. ABC and NBC have been trading jabs for weeks, so let me cut through the corporate speak and legal-ese and summarize the high-stakes discussion for you:
“Did not!� “Did too!�
Enough. We’d rather hear from you. Should the Emmys be held before or after Labor Day, or maybe during “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve?â€? Which category are you most anticipating and dreading? Who’ll get more viewers — Emmy host Conan O’Brien in a tux, or pirate Johnny Depp in a puffy shirt? Or what if they switched outfits or roles?!
That’s all for now. The Serf has to get back to watching TV. That “Law & Orderâ€? is on a lot, y’know …
