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September 2006
Studio B-sharp?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Live from Studio B, it’s … a little water music?
Fox News may have snagged a prime location high atop the Metro Atlanta Chamber of Commerce building from which to broadcast three of its programs Thursday: A verdant view of Centennial Olympic Park down below. Great views of the Atlanta cityscape up above (especially if you averted your eyes from that giant billboard on Techwood featuring rival CNN anchor Anderson Cooper’s distinctive snow-capped head). And what sounded like a live orchestra playing along at times.
It wasn’t. It was just the usual Fountain of Rings fanfare that occasionally wafted up from the park during the 3 p.m. live broadcast of “Studio B with Shepard Smith.” The only-in-Atlanta music didn’t interfere with the show; if anything, it lightened the mood a tad during an hour in which Smith continually updated viewers on reported police shootings in two different cities and sat down with Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue for a rather sobering discussion about how much it could cost to provide paper trails for electronic voting machines.
There was some confusion about whether the public could watch Smith do his thing; initial information was that they would be able to, but the rotunda area atop the Chamber building wasn’t set up for spectators. Nonetheless, Fox made arrangements for fans who did show up to come up and watch “Studio B.” That was music to the ears of Becky James, a Tate, Ga., resident, who’d been waiting since noon with her daughter, Melissa Toel.
“We are BIG Fox News fans,” said James, who watched the broadcast and got to meet Smith afterwards. “I like the whole network, because they’re so straightforward. And I’m conservative and so are they.”
Full-Court Charm Press
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Shepard Smith has met the enemy and he is charmed. And capable of being charming under the most stressful circumstances.
The Fox News anchor had a little nosh and schmooze with the Atlanta Press Club Thursday and he seemed grateful to be greeted by applause. Considering the circumstances, and all …
“I’m sort of in enemy territory here,” Smith drawled to a lunchtime audience at the Commerce Club downtown. “People are wearing red, but it’s the wrong red. I’m terrified of Saturday. Please be nice and clean up after yourselves in The Grove. Unlike LSU fans.”
Yep, he was talking football. Specifically, Saturday’s faceoff in Oxford between the undefeated University of Georgia bulldogs and the — well, let’s just say, the NOT undefeated University of Mississippi Rebels (A Holly Springs, Mississippi, native, Smith went to Ole Miss and is still a season ticket holder for football there). He was NOT referencing the fact that he was making this appearance just a couple of blocks from rival CNN’s world headquarter, and that Fox has set up shop today right under CNN’s noses. Smith and Greta Van Susteren are broadcasting three shows live at 3 p.m., 7 p.m. and 10 p.m. from the Metro Atlanta Chamber of Commerce overlooking Centennial Olympic Park.
It’s part of Fox News’ 10th anniversary “Thank You America” tour. And, according to Smith, the occasionally overheated rivalry’s all pretty much in good fun.
“We do a lot of playing with our neighbors across the street here, but the truth is, we’re in this business because CNN created this business,” Smith said, while some “ooh’s” rippled through the room. “We have the utmost respect for them, and I have great friends at CNN and I admire the work they’ve done. But you know, if we sometimes treat it like the football game between Ole Miss and Georgia … When the game begins with a cheer, ‘We’ll swat you like a bug,’ well, you just sometimes keep going.”
From war in Lebanon to blogs, Smith covered a host of other topics in a 20 minute talk, followed by a lively question-and-answer session. The most interesting moment may have come when someone asked him about Sunday’s fiery interview between Fox News’ Chris Wallace and former president Bill Clinton:
“If you read the question, if you take all the hype and spin out, the question, I believe was ‘Why did you not do more to get bin Laden before it happened?’” Smith said. “Bill Clinton said that was a fair question. He said what wasn’t fair was that he hadn’t asked that question of other people.”
Smith continued his thoughtful breakdown of the exchange before finally concluding: “Chris Wallace didn’t ask a bad question, Bill Clinton was coming off a bad week, and that thing spiraled into some FINE television. Was anything accomplished? No.”
And speaking of spirals, the last and obviously toughest question for Smith concerned — you guessed it — football. Got a prediction for Saturday’s game, Shep?
“Well, I ain’t one for prognosticating, but I can see the Rebels have got trouble,” he sighed heavily, brightening only slightly at the thought of Georgia’s inexperienced quarterback corps. “I say, ‘Start that freshman! Start that freshman!’”
Getting Ugly
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hard as it is to believe, another hot new show enters the Thursday Night Ratings Smackdown ring this week. Fresh off “Grey’s Anatomy’s” vivisection of former No. 1 “CSI” last week, ABC will attempt to vote “Survivor” off the success island by introducing “Ugly Betty” at 8 p.m. The Serf has seen “Betty,” and let me tell you, it’s a hoot (actually, I WILL tell you, in a review in Thursday’s newspaper. Yes, you do too know what a newspaper is. We’ve been over this before.)
And the Serf is not alone in her view. Based on a wildly successful Colombian telenovela, “Ugly Betty” has gotten plenty of good buzz, although some critics (most of them men) have taken issue with the title. It’s mean to call someone “ugly,” they contend — doubtless while flipping through their “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit issues and wondering why that perfect-10 model’s butt is sooo big or her chest sooo small. Whatever. Give ‘em all the Nobel Peace Prize.
Still, ABC listened. The show used to be called “Betty the Ugly.” Now it’s just “Ugly Betty.”
Much better, don’t you think?
Fox-y Move
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Oh, the excitement! The melodrama! The here-an-anchor, there-an-anchor, everywhere-an-anchor-anchor intrigue!
Didja hear, didja, huh, didja? Fox News is coming to town Thursday. Not to cover an election or a newsmaker’s funeral or even something truly important, like, say, another Runaway Bride. Nope, America’s No. 1 cable news channel is about to turn 10, and like any other super-successful New Yorker marking a milestone birthday, it wants to get its party on in Hotlanta. Just like Diddy would do ….
Ours’ will be the third stop on Fox’s 10-city “Thank You America” tour. But you can call the Atlanta leg the “In Your Face — Literally — CNN” tour. Fox will broadcast from a location at the Metro Atlanta Chamber of Commerce building overlooking Centennial Olympic Park, which puts it within spitting distance of its longtime, “King Kong vs. Godzilla”-worthy, archrival, CNN.
Not that employees of either venerable news organization would ever spit at each other. Take it from the Serf, that’s not the way professional journalists behave. (It IS the way unprofessional journalists behave, but the Serf is not about to start naming names. Not unless someone makes it worth her while, wink, wink; mailing address available upon request).
Anyway, not everyone is coming here. Under some sort of Equal Opportunity program of parceling out anchors nationwide, Detroit, the beleagured Motor City, gets business news guru Neil Cavuto in November (hey, Neil, tell ‘em to start making K-Cars again!); and Bill O’Reilly goes next month to Chicago, aka the Windy City (tee-hee!)
Meanwhile, Atlanta gets Shepard Smith and Greta Van Susteren, who will do their shows live at 3 p.m. 7 p.m. and 10 p.m. That’s only right. Last fall, the Serf traveled to Oxford, Mississippi, where she attended an Ole Miss football game with season ticket holder Smith, for a story she wrote about the charming newsman. Then this past spring, she went to Washington D.C., to interview Van Susteren, who welcomed her to her lovely home and served her delicious java (in mugs bearing the name of her old CNN show, “Burden of Proof,” ooh, snap!). So now they’re both coming here to see me …
… Uh, what’s that? It has absolutely nothing to do with me? This visit by Fox — or the high-profile, high-drama location of it, anyway — is actually about something else?
Who cares, as long as there’s cake?
Or even better, a pie in somebody’s face.
‘CSI’ vs. ‘Grey’s Anatomy’: Which did you watch? Which did we watch?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Don’t try this at home, kids.
Take it from me:
It is possible to watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and “CSI” on different channels at the same time.
It is also mindbendingly stupid to watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and “CSI” on different channels at the same time.
No insult intended to anyone else out there who tried it. Like me, you probably had so much respect for the courage of two rival networks deciding to go to war with each other by scheduling their most awesomely powerful shows to air at 9 p.m. Thursday, you would’ve felt disloyal not to be willing to make a similar sort of sacrifice. Let all the others cower behind their VCR’s or TiVo. WE don’t cut-and-run!
Still, forgive me if I sound a bit cranky; that’s what happens when you drink 17 gallons of Diet Coke in an hour because you’re so nervous about what you’re attempting to do — AND too fearful of coming back late from a commercial break and missing something vital to visit the Little Serf’s Room once the entire time.
So instead, I sat right there, clicker in hand, and ended up missing plenty that was vital. Oh, I caught a few little things here and there, and even a couple of really big things: Most crucial, on “Grey’s,” Derek Shepherd, aka “Dr. McDreamy,” ditched his wife and ran wee-wee-wee all the way home to Meredith’s apartment, where he told her he luuurved her. It was incredibly moving, and the only thing that gave me the teensiest bit of pause was that he’d just spent hours in quarantine with nerdy little George after they’d both accidentally been exposed to The Plague. Next, McDreamy told Meredith to “take all the time you need” making up her mind about whether to be with him, which cinched it for me: No man who’s not suffering from a Plague-induced 108-degree fever could ever be that sensitive.
But other than that, “Grey’s” was all pretty much a clicker-flicking blur to me. I’m still not sure which little moppet in the plaid school uniform ended up being the mother of that premature infant or why poor Izzie finally got up off the floor where she had been forced to lie for the entire episode clad only in a strapless prom gown. Does this mean she’s starting to get over Denny’s death and to think about going back to saving lives? Or did actress Katherine Heigl just hire a tough new agent, who finally got ABC to agree to let her appear standing up in next week’s episode?
Things didn’t make much more sense on “CSI.” I kept clicking over just in time to see them weighing someone’s liver in the morgue or poking at the body of a dancer found at a Cirque du Soleil show — BUT SHE WASN’T A PART OF CIRQUE DU SOLEIL, a mystery-heightening plot point I’m sure couldn’t have been emphasized enough times in the episode to make both Cirque’s and CBS’s lawyers happy. Still, it pretty much seemed like bloody business as usual on TV’s No. 1 drama. If Grissom and Sara picked up where they had left off so shockingly at the end of last season — let’s just say horrified viewers caught them in flagrante de-lab coat and leave it at that — I missed it. If anyone knows otherwise, please inform me post haste. Even more important, someone please tell me what crucial ah-ha! moment I missed just before I flipped over to hear Warrick mutter, with Olivier-like intensity, “The gun was transported to the hotel room in the oven mitt. The only question is, who brought it to the party?”
Don’t ask me. I’m headed to the All-Night TiVo Store.
Right after I stop at the Little Serf’s Room.
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Whirlwind Wednesday
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
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I Dream of McDreamy….
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Tonight’s the night.
THE showdown.
Never in the history of history has such a high-stakes smackdown loomed between two such dominant forces. Ali-Frasier, America the Beautiful v. Them Darned Commies, C.O.N.T.R.O.L. vs. K.A.O.S. (ask your parents, kids) … titanic struggles all. Yet all pale by comparison to the fight to the death (or, worse, a relocation to 10 p.m. Saturdays) commencing a few hours from now between “CSI” and “Grey’s Anatomy.”
Consider why it’s happening: Giant ad bucks up for grabs on Thursdays, an important new show needing “Grey’s” old time slot, “American Idol” … (Don’t ask us to explain that last one; just know that everything that happens on TV now has something to do with “American Idol.”)
And consider what the contenders bring to the ring: “CSI” is the No. 1 scripted show on television (the No. 1 show, period, being — what did we just tell you? — “American Idol”) and the Big Bloody Mama atop a thriving criminal empire that includes “CSI’s” in New York, Miami and probably Snellville any minute now. “Grey’s Anatomy” last season averaged 22 million viewers and when it comes to its Hotness, well, The Serf thought David Letterman summed things up beautifully Tuesday when he said of it: “A lot of people are having sex.”
It’s Ventriloquist Week on Letterman, but any hope of everyone there just dummying up on THE topic (oh, come on, who could resist that pun?) was dashed when “Grey’s” star Patrick Dempsey, aka “Dr. McDreamy,” trotted out for an interview. His new castmate, Sara Ramirez, co-hosted “The View” Wednesday. Meanwhile an e-mail from Internet betting site PinnacleSports.com just arrived in the Serf’s humble in-box.
In case you wondered, “CSI” is an “overwhelming favorite” to win tonight’s ratings race. It goes off at 4/11 odds (versus 5/2 for “Grey’s).
Even more important, heh-heh, both go off at 10 p.m.
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Testosterone Tuesday
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Uncle! Uncle!
Yep, that’s right. The Serf is begging for mercy (albeit employing suitably masculine terminology to do so), a mere three days into the official start of the fall TV season. I know, I know, Jonas Blane (Dennis Haysbert) would be so disappointed in me. Clearly, I’m not tough enough to serve under his command in “The Unit.” Heck, I’m barely tough enough even to WATCH “The Unit” anymore.
That’s thanks to CBS’s new Tuesday scheduling strategy, which debuted last night and which really should be re-dubbed “Floyd Landis TV.” Talk about your elevated testosterone levels! It starts with “NCIS,” where the tough-as-nails Navy criminal investigators are always hunting for terrorists or missing nuclear weapons, then heads right into “The Unit,” where the super secret Special Forces operatives are always hunting for terrorists or missing surface-to-air missiles, then finishes up with the new drama “Smith,” in which a scarily proficient gang of professional criminals sandwiches major heists in between a shooting here and a high speed powerboat chase there. Bam! Bam! Bam! CBS lines the shows up and mows ‘em down like targets on a firing range. The 11 p.m. news that follows seems downright sedate by comparison (Especially if there’s a panda story. And these days, there’s always a panda story).
This isn’t the first time CBS has offered up such an action-packed night of drama. Way, way back in the fall of 1987, the network’s Wednesday night lineup started out with “The Oldest Rookie,” starring Paul Sorvino as a 50-year-old beginning cop in the big city, then segued immediately, thrillingly, into “Magnum P.I.” and “The Equalizer.” The combination was so tantalizing to Papa Serf that he used to buy a giant submarine sandwich, set up a tray table in the den and declare it “He-Man Night.” Mother Serf knew she entered the room at her own peril.
Now, suddenly, it feels like He-Man Night all over again. I’m not saying CBS doesn’t know exactly what it’s doing with this new Tuesday lineup, or that it won’t have some appeal to female viewers. All I’m saying is it should come complete with a soundtrack of Tom Hanks screaming, “Are you crying? Are you CRYING? There’s no crying in TV-watching!”
But maybe if there was a submarine sandwich …
But enough about me. What did you think of all the new and returning Tuesday night shows?
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Oprah’s Summer Vacation
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Girlfriend’s back!
Oprah returned for a new season Monday, and seriously, if we didn’t all love and admire her so much (hey, Serfy needs a new pair of shoes…or a yacht), we’d kind of have to despise her. She’s like that kid in grade school who always volunteered to write a report on the hardest topic, like “Our Wonderful Solar System,” so the rest of us wouldn’t have to. And then she’d go and turn it in early. With yarn binding together the construction paper cover upon which she’d hand-drawn a perfectly to-scale picture of Saturn, complete with the right number of rings, color-coordinated to match the yarn.
The title of Monday’s show was “Oprah & Gayle’s Big Adventure.” But they might as well have called it “What I Did On My Summer Vacation by A-Plus, Plus, Plus Student Oprah Winfrey.” Here’s what we saw: Oprah and her BFF Gayle King starting out on a 11-day driving trip across America in a red Chevrolet Impala. I don’t know why anyone says American Automaking has lost its mojo, since it appears that the Impala now comes standard with two or three in-dashboard cameras, a makeup artist and a professional lighting studio. Oprah never said as much, but we know it must be true, because while she and Gayle bickered a lot over where they were going, when to stop for food and who got to work the radio, they looked FABULOUS the whole time they were doing it!
She promised to give the car to somebody when they’ve finished showing us this whole “Big Adventure” thing, which, presumably will be many, many ratings-swollen weeks from now. But the studio audience did get a consolation prize: Homemade root beer shipped in direct from Mr. D’z Route 66 Diner in Kingman, Arizona, where the duo had stopped on Day 2. I know what you’re thinking: What if they have to pay taxes on it, like the “Oprah” audience that all got cars a few seasons ago? Here’s what I’m thinking: How much can a root beer possibly cost in Kingman, Arizona?
Meanwhile, as if all that wasn’t bad enough in a “Hey, did you see her construction paper cover?” sort of way, the last 15 minutes of the show featured Oprah in Hawaii. Along with 400 of her Harpo employees and over 600 of their nearest and dearest. That’s a total of 1,065 American Airlines tickets we saw her marching up to the ticket counter to buy and then — presumably after she had sailed through security without having to turn in her lipstick and bottled Snapple, thank you very much! — entertaining them all for a week at some fabulous resort on Maui. She even greeted them all on the tarmac and personally draped leis around their necks! Meanwhile, the Serf can’t even get the Evil Overlord (aka her editor) to stop torturing her with reminders that only six days remain before she has to start watching that incomprehensible new show, “Heroes” on NBC.
Sigh. Oprah, next time you’re taking a trip, call me. I promise to be your BFF. But even more important, I promise to let you work the radio the whole time.
The University of “Survivor”
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Wow, was that heavy.
Is it just me, or did Thursday’s kickoff episode of “Survivor: Cook Islands” feel a bit like the first day of college ? And not just any college either. We’re talking the scary kind where they’ve turned all the fraternity houses into think tanks, and instead of mixers, all there are are sociology classes.
Yeah, sure, we knew it might be like this, what with this “Survivor” having divided its four tribes by race. Just in case anyone missed the incredible significance of that, host Jeff Probst was there to remind us in the show’s opening moments. While 20 contestants scrambled to get off a boat with as many paddles, live chickens and “fish traps” (I’ll have to look for that the next time I’m at Long John Silver’s ) as possible, Professor Probst lectured us from the poop deck: “It’s a social experiment like never before … More than a test of survival skills, it’s a test of social skills … ” There was more, much more, trust me. But when the Serf looked in her notebook afterwards, she’d scribbled this overheard contestant exchange instead: “Forget the chicken, let’s go!” And “Hey, someone stole the chicken!” She’s convinced that will be on the final exam.
Some of the contestants seemed rather annoyed to have found themselves forcibly enrolled in a graduate level course in diversity studies. Said Yul, a managment consultant in tribe Puka (aka the Asian-Americans): “On the one hand I think it’s a great opportunity. At the same time I’m a little bit worried it will play out to caricatures and stereotypes.”
Sigh. Remember when the most thoughtful conversation on “Survivor” went something like this:
“You hate me cuz I look cuter in my bikini!” “Tramp!” “Butthead!” “Get off my palm frond!”
Still, some things were exactly the same. As usual, the Serf couldn’t figure out what the needlessly complicated challenge involved, much less who was winning or losing. Professor Probst kept shouting out his informed commentary. But his ridiculous straw hat made him look like the Coconutty Professor, so who listened.
Later at tribal council with the challenge-losing tribe Hiki (aka the African-Americans), Prof. Probst seemed shocked, SHOCKED, to hear that dividing things up ethnically changed the game. So Nate patiently explained it to him: “It’s like, OK, we’re going to have to represent for our people. Because we’re put under the light like that.”
All that was missing there were subtitles, which popped up with annoying frequency during much of this episode. Only tribe Raro (aka the whites) didn’t seem to get a lot of subtitling, which struck the Serf at first as “Survivor” making some sort of serious sociological statement. But then she realized it was just because Raro were so boring (despite having a contestant whose occupation is described as “Roller Girl”), the close-captioner probably dozed off at the machine.
Hope that doesn’t affect the final exam.
TV’s Splitting Headache …
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The fall TV season launches in all super-seriousness next week, and —
— what’s that you say? You thought the fall TV season had already begun? Why else have we already seen four episodes of “Vanished,” the Georgia-set serial where someone recently pointed to a gorgeous, sleek skyscraper and announced that the Atlanta Journal-Constitution occupied “the middle 10 floors.” Right. And the Serf is currently enjoying a seaweed body wrap, champagne and bon-bons on one of them. Don’t bother her.
Fox always jumps the gun. But everyone else’s season really starts rolling out Sunday. Which, coinky-dinkily, is when the AJC’s Fall TV Preview will appear in the Arts & Books section. But if you can’t bear to wait for the printed newspaper (newspaper….it’s a thing people used to read back when…oh, never mind) you can find it today by going to the “TV Headlines” area on AccessAtlanta.com.
In it, The Serf and her fellow TV scribe, Rodney Ho (Lord and Master of the AJC’s wildly popular American Idol Buzz blog) bring you up to speed. F’rinstance, several networks will “split” time slots between two shows this year. Like “Lost,” which comes back Oct. 4, gives way to “Day Break” after only six episodes, then most likely returns in February.
(To give you an idea what it will be like, the Serf will now “split” this blog entry by completely and randomly switching topics. Did you guys see “Dancing with the Stars” got a whopping 20 million viewers Tuesday? How many of them do you think are still laughing their butts off at MSNBC’s Tucker Carlson, who — despite practicing for four hours daily and giving countless interviews the rest of the time — STILL managed to look like every dorky middle-aged guy bustin’ his “Saturday Night Fever” moves at a suburban wedding? Get down with your bad, bow-tied self Tucker!)
Now back to our earlier topic. The networks say splitting time slots helps eliminate many repeats. But many folks are already apoplectic at the thought of “Lost” losing its mojo when it goes away so soon, for so long. What does the Serf think about this? To be honest, not much. Except getting more bon-bons.
Good morning, sunshine
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Zzzzz…..
Oops … pardon me. The Serf dozed off there for a minute. She’s been up since 4 a.m., wearing her best p.j.’s and “You go, girl!” grin in honor of Meredith Vieira’s debut on the “Today” show this morning.
“Girl.” Tee-hee. Meredith’s old. Well, 52, which may not be old-old, but it’s about a hundred years past the traditional expiration date for women in these sorts of high-profile, big-time network news jobs. That’s news, when you’re not busy doing cooking segments or interviewing the first person in line for a “Star Wars” movie opening in another six months or making nice with the neurotic tourists who keep banging on your big “Today” show window.
Meredith can handle it. She can handle anything! Consider this quote from her press conference last April, when the former “60 Minutes” correspondent-turned-“The View”-co-host talked about joining “Today”:
“I’m going to have to be reined in a little. I had 20 years in news where I never said anything, now every other word out of my mouth [on “The View”] is orgasm,” Vieira said, before saying she hoped to end up “somewhere in the middle” in her new gig.
That’s why the Serf’s up so early today. She’s not sure where the “middle” is, but she’s pretty sure it’s going to be a heckuva lot more fun place than the morning shows have visited in quite some time. And that Matt Lauer better not try and ruin it. The Serf predicts he’ll either learn to roll with Meredith’s wacky punches or else.
Or else what? Or else he’ll be cowering over by the weather map with Al Roker, whimpering, “Please, please, can’t that nice calm Tom Cruise come back to talk to me some more?”
“Dancing” Fools …
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Mama mia, is anything NOT political?
Must everything that is wonderful and pure about living in this country be sullied and run through the spin cycle of … well, spin?
Leave “Dancing with the Stars” alone, damn it!
From Tatum O’Neal learning to tango to Evander Holyfield going all Mr. Twinkletoes on us, there’s been no finer example of how noble Americans can accomplish anything they set their minds to than the first two seasons of “Dancing.” It was like “Hands Across America,” only with feet, and no guilt if you didn’t want to go outside and — yuck — actually hold some stranger’s hand. Everybody knew the drill: Some sorta celebrities danced, we snickered along sympathetically and phoned in votes. The closest things ever got to becoming partisan was when The Seinfeld Party rather halfheartedly accused The Daytime Drama Party of stuffing the ballot box in favor of “General Hospital” (corrected 4 p.m.!) actress Kelly Monaco, who narrowly beat out John O’Hurley (aka Elaine’s boss “J.Peterman”) for the Season 1 crown.
But that’s all just a beautiful memory now as Season 3 kicks up its heels Tuesday night at 8 on ABC. First, former U.S. House Majority leader Tom DeLay sent a letter to his supporters urging them to vote early and often for Republican-friendly country singer Sara Evans. DeLay’s concerned about the harmful message that would be sent if another contestant, the “ultra liberal” Jerry Springer doesn’t fall flat on his face in every sense. That brought a quick response from the Rev. Al Sharpton, who endorsed MSNBC’s aging prepster talk show host Tucker Carlson.
The Serf is heartsick at the thought of this lovely celebration of cha-cha and chiffon being turned into a political football instead of what it was always intended to be: Something for Emmit Smith to do now that he’s no longer playing football. And seriously, don’t DeLay and Sharpton have anything better to do? Don’t they have jobs —
— er, oh wait. The Serf may just have answered her own question.
The Flavor of “Survivor”
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The Serf was given access to a telephone long enough Thursday to participate in a conference call with “Survivor” host Jeff Probst. CBS conducts these calls before the start of each new “Survivor” cycle so reporters can pose important questions about coconut-eating challenges and contestants’ secret strippergram pasts. And, naturally, try to trick Probst into telling us who won the whole thing.
Never happens. In fact, nothing on “Survivor” ever changes, which may explain last season’s ratings dropoff of nearly two million viewers. Usually when that happens, a TV show — any TV show — goes right to the default strategy: Adding Heather Locklear to the cast. Even if it means she has to play the Pope. In a kicky mini-skirted cassock with a plunging neckline.
But “Survivor” is more high-minded than that, which is why they’ve opted to bring back the good old days of segregation instead. OK, maybe that’s a bit harsh … still, if, as Probst basically asserted, they were committed to having the most racially-diverse cast of reality TV show contestants ever in the ancient and noble history of reality TV shows, why not let them all mix and mingle with each other right from the get-go? Instead, when “Survivor: Cook Islands” debuts this Thursday at 8 p.m., the four tribes will be divided by race: One white, one African-American, one Hispanic and one Asian-American. Eventually, they’ll all merge, but the Cook Islands being somewhere other than in the United States (don’t ask the Serf where, exactly), apparently, “Survivor” gets to take its own sweet time about doing it.
“We actually felt that dividing them ethnically was a positive idea,” said Probst, explaining how producers’ thinking evolved: “Why don’t we start them in the groupings that will seem not only fair, but also will let [contestants] show pride?”
I’m still mulling all this over and won’t conclude anything about “Survivor: Diversity” until I watch it. Which of course I will. Which of course is the only reason for this casting strategy. Meanwhile, I’m almost as rattled by another Probst tease about three “love connections” that took place, including one he called the “strangest love affair … you’ve ever seen on any reality show.”
The Serf is still trying to replace the eyeballs that popped out of her head during Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen’s bee-zare affaire du coeur on “The Surreal Life” (followed by their own series, “Strange Love”), so the bar’s been raised pretty high there. Or is it low …
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Help Kiss-off Katie
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
By now anyone not living in a spiderhole has heard that Katie Couric is seeking input on how she should sign off each “CBS Evening News” broadcast. Given the number of uh, “colorful” writers out there in ReaderLand (if you don’t believe it, drop by and peruse some of the e-mails with “Katie” in the subject field that are currently burning a hole in the Serf’s humble in-box), it’s time to open it up to the real pros. Post your suggested Sayonaras here. The Serf will peruse them all while continuing to wage a vigorous underground campaign for her candidate: “No stingrays were harmed in the making of this newscast.”
It’s not exactly a contest, which is just a slightly tricky way of saying there’s no prize for the best entry. Well, other than the intensely deep personal satisfaction that comes from knowing you’e the best darned communicator out there. That’s what the Serf’s bosses keep telling her whenever she asks what HER reward is for all her hard labor, so there must be something to it …
Breaking “News” News!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Um, is it over? Is it safe to come out from under the bed yet?
Seriously, the Serf doesn’t know if she can take another day like Tuesday. First the morning shows were full of Steve Irwin death-by-stingray followups featuring interviews with nearly everyone but the stingray (we hear he’s holding out for Geraldo. Professional courtesy, y’know). Then Rosie O’Donnell debuted on “The View,” where she repeatedly talked over Barbara Walters, gave away free “In your face, Winfrey!” cruises to everyone in the audience and — most shockingly — revealed she was wearing high heels.
But those were mere warmup acts for Night One of “The CBS Evening News with Katie Couric.” Frankly, the Serf wasn’t expecting as much. Yeah, yeah, she’d read all the stories about how this was the most significant moment ever for news, for womanhood, for all mankind. And, most crucially, for “Extra,” which follows “The CBS Evening News” on the schedule and which on Tuesday took us behind the scenes of “Fashion House” with Bo Derek, right after Katie had finished taking us behind the scenes of the resurgent Taliban.
Heck, the Serf herself had cranked out an endless boatload of those stories at the gentle, uh, “suggestion” of the Evil Overlord (aka her editor). And in a halfhearted effort at sisterly solidarity, she’d spent most of the afternoon deciding what to wear, knowing full well that Katie could manage to bring back Hitler and Mussolini for an exclusive joint interview, but all anyone would talk about is what she wore on her first newscast (For the record, a chic, not-too-short black dress with a white blazer. I know, I know, white after Labor Day, hmmm…still, as Tim Gunn would say on “Project Runway,” she made it work).
After months of buildup, you’d have expected this first newscast to be an “Is that all there is?” letdown. But then you heard “This is the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric” intoned by some guy named Walter Cronkite, and it was game on! First we ate our vegetables with an excellent Lara Logan-reported piece on Afghanistan and some other halfway decent stories on the president’s latest terrorism speech and a promising oil strike in the Gulf of Mexico. Then came dessert: Exclusive Suri Cruise photos! Hulk Hogan footage in a piece featuring that wacky dude who ate at McDonalds for a whole month and made a movie about it! Clips of Cronkite and Ted Baxter and “legendary” anchorman Ron Burgundy in a funny sign-off where Couric admitted she hadn’t yet come up with a signature signoff.
By the time we heard that Rush Limbaugh would show up on “The CBS Evening News” this Thursday, by choice (as part of a new “Free Speech” feature; cuz, y’know, Rush doesn’t have enough outlets for chatting), well, the Serf was balled up in a corner, unable to do anything but wimper over and over, “Maybe network news ISN’T dead yet. Maybe Katie came to save us just in time … “
Come to think of it, that would make a pretty good sign-off. First, though, we gotta get rid of that Cronkite guy …
In Labor …
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Have a happy and safe Labor Day weekend. The Serf will be spending it barbecuing, alphabetizing her complete collection of Lifetime Women in Peril movies and — of course — looking for the location of that mysterious “Vanished” tunnel.
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From the home(wrecker) office…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Been there, blabbed that.
It’s been three days since CNN anchor Kyra Phillips was caught in a bathroom — not with her pants down, but with her microphone still on, unbeknownst to her. While CNN was covering a live speech by President Bush, viewers heard Phillips actually saying nice things about her own husband and one not-so-nice thing about her sister-in-law, aka the “control freak.” The ensuing reaction was so great — the clip showed up on YouTube, rocketed through the e-mail and blog world and got gleeful coverage on rival cable networks — there was only one thing to do to make it all better:
Go on “Larry King Live.”
Oops, wait, he’s also on CNN, which makes them practically related. And it’s probably best Phillips stay away from relatives right now.
An even better option: Reading a Top Ten list on Thursday’ night’s “Late Show with David Letterman.” Among the excellent “Kyra Phillips Excuses” a Letterman mole slipped the Serf ahead of time (NOT in a bathroom; she now knows there are spies and open mikes everywhere in those places), the best was No. 3: “I just wanted that hunky Lou Dobbs to notice me.” Sigh. Who doesn’t?
And who doesn’t think this was a brilliant way for Phillips to snatch victory from the jaws of Ladies Loo defeat? The general reaction to her blunder has been marvel that she wasn’t caught saying anything much worse and “There but for the grace of God go I” empathy. Sighed a Serf-ian co-worker “Who doesn’t have bad things they could say about their in-laws if they thought no one was listening?”
Not me, but that’s probably because I’m single. Single and waiting for that hunky Lou Dobbs to notice me …
