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Monday, January 29, 2007
Miss (Missing in) America
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
But can she bend time? Or kill a terrorist with a single bite to the jugular?
Sadly, that’s what I found myself thinking Sunday morning during Miss Massachusetts’ interview on Fox News. Like all the Miss America contestants, Michaela J. Gagne, 24, has adopted a “platform issue.” Having been diagnosed with a life-threatening heart condition at 17, Gagne would advocate for Heart Health if chosen Miss America. All the noble platforms will get an airing during Monday’s pageant, which airs live on CMT from 8-10 p.m. That’s so lovely, in a “No drunken, nitwitty Miss USA contestants allowed here” sort of way. Too bad nobody will be watching.
Poor Miss America. Not this year’s winner, whomever she may turn out to be. It’s the pageant itself that’s in trouble, going up against brand new episodes of “Heroes, “Two and a Half Men” and “24” at 9 p.m., along with about a bazillion other offerings on network TV and cable. What are the chances anyone’s gonna tune in for the chance of seeing Miss Georgia, Amanda Kozak, tap dance, when they could be watching Hiro or Jack Bauer perform larger-than-life stunts instead? About as good as the Serf’s chance of being named Miss Congeniality. And whose stupid idea was it to air the pageant on a Monday night in January, anyway?
I admit to having a soft spot in my heart for Miss America. We both were born and raised in New Jersey, from which the pageant was ripped away last year and sent to Las Vegas, where it’s now just one more over-the-top, overly-spangled event — something to fill the empty space between the Celine Dion show and Cirque du Soleil’s latest fire eating-while-tumbling naked extravaganza. Trust me when I tell you that the pageant always was a much bigger deal in Atlantic City, where salt water taffy and Steve and Eydie impersonators are pretty much what passes for glamour.
Meanwhile, as competitive events go, Miss America ranks right up there with the Super Bowl. Both involve young, incredibly physically fit young people using their respective skills (singing opera, stopping the pass rush) to try to win the big crown. And when push comes to shove, Miss America is the superior event because its contestants don’t all run around whining about being “disrespected” or pulling Sharpies out of their high heels to sign autographs during the swimsuit competition.
But the single best thing about Miss America - until now — was that it always aired on Saturday night. There was nothing else on TV then and nothing more fun than gathering family, friends or just you and your “I’m home alone on Saturday night” bitterness to hoot at (and occasionally hooray for) the one thing in life that never seemed to change: Every year, some young woman with abnormally shiny teeth and an alarmingly stiff bouffant hairdo played “Flight of the Bumblebee” on her violin and got ROBBED by the motley crew of celebrity judges (Exhibit A: This year’s include Chris Matthews and Delta Burke).
I already have enough trouble deciding whether to watch “Heroes” or “24.” Now throw in host Mario Lopez (speaking of abnormally shiny) announcing the name of the new Miss America at the same time and my head feels like it’s going to explode.
Sigh. If there’s a Miss America contestant out there whose platform issue is “Moving the pageant back to Saturday night,” I say, crown her now.
Just be careful not to muss her bouffant.
