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Home > Channel Serf > Archives > 2007 > January > 29 > Entry

Miss (Missing in) America

By jill vejnoska | Monday, January 29, 2007, 08:38 AM

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

But can she bend time? Or kill a terrorist with a single bite to the jugular?

Sadly, that’s what I found myself thinking Sunday morning during Miss Massachusetts’ interview on Fox News. Like all the Miss America contestants, Michaela J. Gagne, 24, has adopted a “platform issue.” Having been diagnosed with a life-threatening heart condition at 17, Gagne would advocate for Heart Health if chosen Miss America. All the noble platforms will get an airing during Monday’s pageant, which airs live on CMT from 8-10 p.m. That’s so lovely, in a “No drunken, nitwitty Miss USA contestants allowed here” sort of way. Too bad nobody will be watching.

Poor Miss America. Not this year’s winner, whomever she may turn out to be. It’s the pageant itself that’s in trouble, going up against brand new episodes of “Heroes, “Two and a Half Men” and “24” at 9 p.m., along with about a bazillion other offerings on network TV and cable. What are the chances anyone’s gonna tune in for the chance of seeing Miss Georgia, Amanda Kozak, tap dance, when they could be watching Hiro or Jack Bauer perform larger-than-life stunts instead? About as good as the Serf’s chance of being named Miss Congeniality. And whose stupid idea was it to air the pageant on a Monday night in January, anyway?

I admit to having a soft spot in my heart for Miss America. We both were born and raised in New Jersey, from which the pageant was ripped away last year and sent to Las Vegas, where it’s now just one more over-the-top, overly-spangled event — something to fill the empty space between the Celine Dion show and Cirque du Soleil’s latest fire eating-while-tumbling naked extravaganza. Trust me when I tell you that the pageant always was a much bigger deal in Atlantic City, where salt water taffy and Steve and Eydie impersonators are pretty much what passes for glamour.

Meanwhile, as competitive events go, Miss America ranks right up there with the Super Bowl. Both involve young, incredibly physically fit young people using their respective skills (singing opera, stopping the pass rush) to try to win the big crown. And when push comes to shove, Miss America is the superior event because its contestants don’t all run around whining about being “disrespected” or pulling Sharpies out of their high heels to sign autographs during the swimsuit competition.

But the single best thing about Miss America - until now — was that it always aired on Saturday night. There was nothing else on TV then and nothing more fun than gathering family, friends or just you and your “I’m home alone on Saturday night” bitterness to hoot at (and occasionally hooray for) the one thing in life that never seemed to change: Every year, some young woman with abnormally shiny teeth and an alarmingly stiff bouffant hairdo played “Flight of the Bumblebee” on her violin and got ROBBED by the motley crew of celebrity judges (Exhibit A: This year’s include Chris Matthews and Delta Burke).

I already have enough trouble deciding whether to watch “Heroes” or “24.” Now throw in host Mario Lopez (speaking of abnormally shiny) announcing the name of the new Miss America at the same time and my head feels like it’s going to explode.

Sigh. If there’s a Miss America contestant out there whose platform issue is “Moving the pageant back to Saturday night,” I say, crown her now.

Just be careful not to muss her bouffant.

Permalink | Comments (25) |

Comments

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By RMcConnell

January 29, 2007 11:15 AM | Link to this

Perfect comment. It needs to be Saturday night. Can we do this? Afterall, red M & M’s are back!

By wartown

January 29, 2007 11:48 AM | Link to this

dang….I know Amanda Kozak and I’m still going to be watching Hero’s instead.

By Peachy

January 29, 2007 12:05 PM | Link to this

Does anyone really care? I might watch it on a Saturday night, definitely not when I have other choices.

By saraL

January 29, 2007 12:12 PM | Link to this

I agree! I miss the Miss America of my childhood…bring back the Saturday night telecast, Miss America Organization!

By Smarterthanyou

January 29, 2007 12:13 PM | Link to this

Welcome to 2007. If you don’t like the time and night they air a program, TIVO it and watch it when you want.

By war eagle

January 29, 2007 12:14 PM | Link to this

This pageant, along with miss universe, is about as exciting as watching a tennis match in church and has jsut as much importance. They want to work on world peace? I want to hear one of them say, I will bomb the fanatical muslims off the planet! Then I’ll watch and vote for them.

By rid0617

January 29, 2007 12:19 PM | Link to this

Why? It’s just one more piece of garbage with 10 minutes of commercials for every 30 minutes of programming. Don’t even want to watch TV anymore. I do agree, first Miss anything to say carpet bomb Iraq and I’ll be glued to the TV.

By Guye Mann

January 29, 2007 12:38 PM | Link to this

If they will take all their clothes off then I’ll tune in. Otherwise, who wants to watch some good looking chick talk about issues? God made Hillary and Pelosi for that.

By Shawny

January 29, 2007 12:56 PM | Link to this

Would be more tolerable if that knuckhead Slater from Saved by the Bell weren’t hosting. What a doofus.

By Ex-Northerner

January 29, 2007 1:36 PM | Link to this

YAWN!!!! Who cares. With Hollywood trotting out a bevy of hot bodies and red carpet eye candy on a daily basis, who gives a royal c__p about 50 girls all trying to look slutty while at the same time claiming to be virginal. A pagent kid is a pagent kid and I just don’t get the culture that spawns them. Or that watches them. She doesn’t represent anyone I know.

By woody

January 29, 2007 2:08 PM | Link to this

DOWN with AWARD shows. Nobody watches them. America does NOT CARE!!!!

If you do care then you are in need of a life.

By Brenda W. Arbuckle

January 29, 2007 2:25 PM | Link to this

Miss America, Miss Universe, Miss Georgia, Miss anyone, the time has come to get a life. Jack versus a bunch of fake smiling, dumb blondes pimp themselves to appear in a few parades, tell some lies, and cry when they’re ratted out - GIVE ME JACK PLEASE.

By Larry

January 29, 2007 3:07 PM | Link to this

What? Who? What are you talking about? Why is this drivel taking up space on the front page of ‘my’ e-newsthingy. Are you kidding me? Hey, give me Miss Teen USA or whatever it is any day. Not as much plastic surgery…

By Pat

January 29, 2007 3:21 PM | Link to this

A warm Saturday night in September, with my two daughters popping the popcorn while I turned on the tv, and then us all watching Miss America. Bring it back please so my Granddaughters can have those same memories of seeing the brightest and most talented women in America vie for the crown! 1967 Miss Ga. finalist

By J

January 29, 2007 3:28 PM | Link to this

My mom and I still get on the phone for every pageant and watch them together. We try to pick who will win and enjoy a couple hours of chatting without anything else going on.

By MattB

January 29, 2007 4:08 PM | Link to this

Well, thank God for DVR and TIVO… we don’t have to worry about what night it comes on! :)

By Eric

January 29, 2007 4:10 PM | Link to this

Miss American will never be relevant again, until they stop pretending it is a ‘scholarship’ pagent and bring on the topless contestants.

If you wanna watch women parade in their swimsuits, Miss Universe, Hooter Calendar Girls, Dalls Cowboy Cheerleaders tryouts, Miss Hawaiin Tropic or Girls Gone Wild are much better viewing.

By Bobalicious

January 29, 2007 4:23 PM | Link to this

Miss America should be awesome in bed, smart enough to be a CEO of a major company, and have the personality of someone shockingly truthful. She should not care about makeup, heels, or what other people think of her. She would rather find a good bargain at Walmart than a good diamond at the mall. … until those changes are made there really is no need to watch another ex-cheerleader become Miss “BS” America.

By Who Cares

January 29, 2007 5:27 PM | Link to this

Yawn…..

I think the last time I watched a Miss America contest it was about 10 years ago. They got down to the final 5 or something and when one was asked a very defining question, she took a deep breath and then…..

…. nothing.

She just shook her head and said, “I don’t know.” Freaking hillarious!!!!!

Much better than the BS Fluffy Rhetoric all the others say.

I’ll be watching 24.

By Shawn

January 29, 2007 5:41 PM | Link to this

I’ll be watching Hero’s instead of them Ho’s….. You gotta be kidding…

By Tony Mosley

January 29, 2007 6:03 PM | Link to this

I’ll be watching the Miss America Pageant tonight just like every other year. After all, “24” is just too voilent.

By brent

January 29, 2007 6:45 PM | Link to this

Just like JonBennet…they are all just “daddy’s little ho”.

By Sofia

January 29, 2007 6:59 PM | Link to this

I’ll drink to the new Miss America! Cheers!

By Guye Mann

January 29, 2007 8:14 PM | Link to this

Damn. They still have their clothes on.

By The Dump

February 1, 2007 7:51 PM | Link to this

Well, at least it got higher ratings than the NHL All-Star Game.