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Wednesday, February 21, 2007
“Dancing Fools”
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
What, no Howard K. Stern?
Sorry, guess I’m just so accustomed to seeing the late Anna Nicole Smith’s lawyer/alleged hubby/would-be burial choreographer on TV 24/7, I naturally assumed he’d be one of the contestants on the fourth “Dancing with the Stars.” But apparently he can’t go anywhere without Anna Nicole. Literally.
And it seems ABC has higher standards for its surprise hit reality show that returns next Monday with a special two-hour episode. No one in the new cast announced live on “Good Morning America” mere moments ago could legitimately be described as a hack or hanger-on. Which doesn’t mean the Serf didn’t have to consult her Who’s Who of Demi-Celebrities to figure out where a few of them had been for the last decade or so:
Ian Ziering, Paulina Porizkova, Shandi Finnessey, come on down! Porkizkova’s a former supermodel/Sports Illustrated swimsuit covergirl long married to The Cars’ Ric Ocasek; Ziering was Steve Sanders on “Beverly Hills 90210,” or as you might better remember him, the Guy Who Looked Like a 35-Year-Old Going to High School. Finnessey was Miss USA 2004 and the mere fact that I had to tell you that means she doesn’t have some juicy The Donald-Sent-Me-To-Rehab scandal in her past, so really, who cares?
A few of the other contestants’ name had leaked out well before Season 3 “dancer” Jerry Springer started revealing their i.d.’s to a GMA host team that feigned surprise each and every time: Billy “Achy Breaky Heart” Cyrus, Joey “Ex-n’Syncer” Fatone, Leila “Women’s Middleweight Boxing Champ” Ali and Leeza “Leeza” Gibbons.
And since athletes are as de rigeur on “Dancing” as country singers and boy banders, we also get ex-NBA great Clyde Drexler and five-time Olympic short track ice skating medalist Apolo Anton Ono (Here’s hoping he wears his crash helmet and periodically runs onstage to barrel into other dancers just like he does in his racers).
But there was at least one major surprise: Lumbering actor Vincent Pastore, last seen drowning in the ocean (and I don’t mean an ocean of marinara) on “The Sopranos” as the late, great “Big Pussy” will try to rub out the competition. Personally, if I were that weeny little judge Bruno (aka Mr. “Hot, Hot, Hot!”) , I’d be commiting the phrase “Who says big men can’t move beautifully, Vinny?” to memory right now.
And then there’s the sentimental choice. If, by sentimental, you mean “The best tabloid fodder name we at ABC could get and still look like we’re doing something noble”: Ladies and gentlemen (and one very particular Sir), it’s Heather Mills, estranged wife of Sir Paul McCartney and well-known disabilities advocate, having herself lost a leg in an accident years ago.
The latter fact led Springer to say, “There’s a lot of message in that: People, whatever challenge they face, can dance. She might be a favorite.” To which “GMA” host Diane Sawyer couldn’t help but append, with big ratings stars clearly shining in her eyes, “But [she’s] also in the middle of a big brouhaha.”
The Serf’s hoping for a Big Pussy-Heather Mills final showdown. With Sir Paul McCartney and Tony Soprano in the audience. Loser goes home with the guy who done ‘em wrong. Talk about Hot, Hot, Hot!
