MOMania

By Just...

November 13, 2008 7:30 AM | Link to this

…put a pork chop around their neck and then the dogs will play with them. And, if you really want a play pal for your 4 year old, just give ‘em some money to buy a friend - that is how I got - and still get - all of my friends!

By new mom

November 13, 2008 8:11 AM | Link to this

I don’t have parental experience with this, other than trying to keep our daughter from pulling the other kids’ noses off in gymboree ;) Apparently noses are fascinating…

In theory, I don’t like the idea of interferring with their social development, and I would try to stay out of their way in the actual process of making friends.

However, I think it’s important to teach them early why friends are important, how to make friends, and most of all—how to be a good friend. There are other factors that should be taught at home too—how to be a good, supportive friend but not let yourself get walked all over, how to not be bossy, how to listen…Many of these are learned by watching how parents interact with each other, their own friends, even people they meet in passing. When I was teaching, many of the questions I had about students were quickly answered when I met the parents…There was a child who liked to push others around, his father was pushy and rude. One terribly shy girl’s mother was nervous during a conference, she seemed insecure herself. I’m not saying that every personality trait is passed down directly, but there is a certain amount of learned behavior that kids glean from their parents.

By JJ

November 13, 2008 8:28 AM | Link to this

Morning all, I hope everyone is well. Nasty day out there.

I only did this one time, and we were on our first cruise. My daughter and niece wanted to hit the “Teen Club” but they were too shy (code for scared) to go in where they didn’t know anyone. I walked them in the second night, and we sat next to two other girls, who looked like they didn’t know anyone either. So I made introductions. Hi, this is K and this is K (both their names start with the same letter), and they are looking to meet new friends. The other two girls perked right up, introduced themselves and by the end of that night, they were steady friends. They hung out all together most of that cruise.

Other than that, no I haven’t had to help my kid make friends. She’s fairly outgoing and makes friends easier now. She comes home from school with a new friend about once a week.

Yall have a great day…..

By Amanda

November 13, 2008 8:51 AM | Link to this

Oh, GREAT topic! My teen daughter was born with such severe facial disfigurement (Google “Treacher Collins syndrome, you’ll see what we’re up against)that even after umpteen surgeries, she still gets stared at in the street. Needless to say, she has no friends, is tormented & very lonely. My husband & I tell her to be her own sweet self, because, really, what else can we say/do, but the other kids hate her & torment her because of this one thing she cannot help. We’ve taken her to therapists but so far, no one’s come up with a way to make her peers even tolerate, let alone LIKE her. Really in a bind here…

By JJ

November 13, 2008 8:56 AM | Link to this

Amanda Kids can be so cruel. I am so sorry for your daughter. I wish people could get past looks, and see the beauty on the inside. I am sure your daughter has a heart of gold.

I would be her friend.

By Jesse's Girl

November 13, 2008 9:08 AM | Link to this

JJ…..when did you decide tyo rejoin the fam? Good to read ya! Per the topic….my social butterflies don’t have this trouble. They even talk to and make buddies with the ones I find questionable. But….I can’t intervene in that just yet. Each of them needs to learn who can be trusted and who they can nurture a good, solid friendship with.

By JJ

November 13, 2008 9:22 AM | Link to this

Hey Jessie’s Girl. I pop in from time to time, but I’m always lurking. Thanks for the welcome. Hope all is well with you.

By FCM

November 13, 2008 10:07 AM | Link to this

My first thoughts: How does the child act near other children. I learned that my oldest keeps telling one girl “no’ whenever asked to play. I found out a—my child feels like—-HSM references here— Kelsey (nobody knows she is there except to dump on) and longs to be Gabriela (in crowd). Also, the other child insists they play her games and my child is usually the ‘prisoner’ role. This gets old, and she wants to play on the monkey bars.

I have taught both of my children to think for themselves (yep, it bites me in the butt all the time!). So, they tend to not ‘go along/get along.’ Eventually it will be ok.

In the meantime I remind them that a few close friends (and they do have friends) are better than a bushel of general folk.

I also have taught them to look for the new girl/boy, the shy child, (Amanda this would be your child too) and go invite them to play.

I won’t get directly invoved (except in bulling/physical issues) but I do think that teaching them at home how to be a person people want to know and be friends with is the key.

My eldest says hello all the time to an ‘in crowd’ kid….The little snot cannot even bother to say ‘hello’ back…this has occurred at church, sporting events, and school (all same child—-and in front of me). I have met the mother and she is the same way. So the other day (while the other kid could hear)…my child (who had just said hello as the kid nearly ran her over in the hall)asked “why is she like that?’ and I replied loud enough for the child and her mother to hear too “Some parents don’t teach their children that being polite & cordial is good manners. Some parent’s must not care if their kids are rude. I do, and I am glad I taught you better, you go ahead and be you.” I learned last night that the kid now says hello in the hall.

Again, it is what they learn at home.

By SB

November 13, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this

I guess I’m a little unique in that I wonder if the child is happy regardless of the friends issue. Not every child needs to have a lot of friends in order to be happy. If the child is content and has the social skills to socialize when he or she is around other kids, I wouldn’t worry too much, especially at the age of 4. Sometimes I think we as parents want our children to be accepted, and it bothers us when we perceive that they are not accepted based on the number of friends they have or don’t have. If a child socializes well when placed in situations like birthday parties or gymastics classes and if the child doesn’t appear to be isolated or lonely, I wouldn’t worry about it.

By Becky

November 13, 2008 10:48 AM | Link to this

I don’t have any issues with my little ones making friends, so far, so good..My only problem is the little girl gets in trouble when other kids won’t leave her alone..She enjoys putting puzzles togehter (alone) & the other kids always want to help..The boy will talk to anyone..FCM, my youngest has the same problem with people & opening doors..He always wants to know wy people don’t aknowledge with a thank you when he holds the door open for them..

Amanda, I’m sorry that you’re daughter goes through this..I have a nephew that has some medical problems, but none that are noticed by others, so best of luck with your daughter..

Hi JJ, hope all is going great with you & your daughter..Didn’t you mention that she got a job finally?

By Jesse's Girl

November 13, 2008 10:51 AM | Link to this

I’m with you FCM…I cannot abide a snotty-rude-holier-than-thou child and that goes double for the goobers they learn it from.

By JJ

November 13, 2008 11:16 AM | Link to this

Becky Yes, she is gainfully employeed, and I am a happy camper.

Its so nice when they have their own money. Now, I’m working on getting her to SAVE some of that money.

By KC

November 13, 2008 11:18 AM | Link to this

I would sign her up for Girl Scouts. If there is a waiting list for a troop in your area, start one. In Scouting, the children interact in a different context from school and there can be a focus on team building. My daughter’s troop did a whole “Challenge Course” recently at one of the Girl Scout camps that was excellent - very much like some of the team-building seminars that some of their parents had done.

One thing I woud make certain of. Is your child being bullied? This can be as subtle as excluding her from play but should be pointed out to the authority figure.

By Alan

November 13, 2008 11:19 AM | Link to this

Amanda - as a father of two, my heart breaks for what it must be like for your daughter and for you. Have you considered trying to find online friends? There are so many communities of people with similar interests on the web - books, music, tv shows, etc. and it might be worth the effort to try and help your daughter find one. Althought they aren’t a substitute for nearby friends, she may still benefit from connecting with other people who don’t see her and judge her. Across the nation, cancer patients, seniors and others who struggle to find people who ‘understand’ them are using discussion boards this way. Good luck - I so admire you as a parent and your effort to help your daughter!

By Alan

November 13, 2008 11:25 AM | Link to this

Amanda - I googled TCS and followed some links. I ended up at a forum called Treacher Collins Teens that requires a log in to read and post comments. Have you tried these boards? I would think they would be helpful in at least letting your daughter share her feelings.

By Stephanie

November 13, 2008 11:25 AM | Link to this

My daughter is somewhat shy yet has many friends. The reason? I have made it a point to ask chilren from church, school, the neighborhood and so on, over to have one on one playdates with my daughter. Once she knows them well, she is no longer shy and is happy to see kids she knows in social situations! (and a side benefit of this is that I have become good friends with many of the parents)

By Amanda

November 13, 2008 11:34 AM | Link to this

Thanks for all your support, folks! Clearly, none of you have kids that go to my daughter’s school, because obviously you’ve brought your children up to be kind & respectful. Yes, Alan, she IS involved on online blogs for TCS sufferers & other sufferers of cranio-facial differences & yes, they are the only friends she has. She’s particularly close with one young girl, they have visited back & forth & that’s been working out just fine. Wish she had some local friends, though

By cofthenight

November 13, 2008 11:59 AM | Link to this

This is a great topic. Right now, my little guy is just 2, so this isn’t too much of an issue. Yet. I know it will be. I myself am PAINFULLY shy and insecure. My hubby and I have very few friends and rarely have anyone over or go out with anyone. I know this is going to start affecting my little guy as he gets older. You all have some great suggestions, but… it’s easier said than done for someone like me, haha! I’ll keep reading all your ideas, though, thanks! :)

By Michelle

November 13, 2008 12:07 PM | Link to this

cofthenight, PLEASE, PLEASE for the sake of your precious little guy, try to get him used to having other people around. Maybe via church, parents’ play groups etc?? My parents were like that too & I grew up with NO social skills. I was ostracized through school because I had no idea how to flirt or make small talk. The only thing that kept me from being really picked-on was that I was always considered “pretty”.

By Michelle

November 13, 2008 12:15 PM | Link to this

cofthenight, PLEASE, PLEASE for the sake of your precious little guy, try to get him used to having other people around. Maybe via church, parents’ play groups etc?? My parents were like that too & I grew up with NO social skills. I was ostracized through school because I had no idea how to flirt or make small talk. The only thing that kept me from being really picked-on was that I was always considered “pretty”.

By Michelle

November 13, 2008 12:19 PM | Link to this

oops, sorry about the double post!

By Renee

November 13, 2008 12:47 PM | Link to this

My daughter is an only child and shy, sometimes more than others. One-on-one playdates really helped. If you get more than 2 children playing together, someone tends to be left out. Sometimes, I will even say something nice to a similar age girl in a store, so my daughter can see how easy it is to start a conversation (everyone loves a compliment). one of her girlfriends is a very focused/driven child and she views school as her job and takes it very seriously. She doesn’t seem to care if she has friends, so everyone is different. Not everyone is cut out to be a social butterfly.

By Honesty

November 13, 2008 12:59 PM | Link to this

My little guy has no trouble making friends. Never has. He is just charming, charming, charming. No problems there.

By Joyce

November 13, 2008 1:26 PM | Link to this

I agree with other posters on this; I would only intervene if I saw that my child was extremely unhappy and/or lonely. As far as trying to engineer something, I might introduce a similar-aged child, but I wouldn’t push a relationship with a specific child on my son.

As for the situation with Theresa’s friend’s daughter, I would set up playdates with the kids she is connecting with. As the child gets used to play with kids that she’s already comfortable with, the social skills learned there may possibly transfer to the kids in the class where she doesn’t (yet) seem to have any friends. Also, we parents often times need to discuss social skills directly so that children understand and learn how to read other people’s social cues.

By SarahO

November 13, 2008 2:11 PM | Link to this

My daughter (a 2nd grader) is really smart, and we have raised her in a more old-fashioned way (so she hasn’t watched HSM/Hannah Montana, etc.)

She is experiencing an awkwardness now because of those two things that make me hurt for her - she has a few good friends, but she struggles to make NEW friends.

(It also probably doesn’t help that I have a “disability” of sorts - no right forearm. So in addition to everything else, her Mom looks weird. )

Which means I can also understand the pain of the parents and teenager with TCS. Children are incredibly cruel.

All that being said, when I observed my daughter interacting with other kids, I realized that she just needed a little guidance. She’s more of a leader than a follower (because she IS smart and has a great imagination for making up games)

I worked with her privately on listening to others’ suggestions and agreeing to games that maybe aren’t her favorites, but that get her playing with the class. And we do try and have play dates on the weekends whenever possible.

Sorry - that was long. I just had thoughts on the subject. Thanks, Theresa, for introducing it.

By Sugar

November 13, 2008 2:12 PM | Link to this

Honestly, I hate the word and concept behind “Play Date”. Don’t kids go and play in the neighborhood anymore? Do the parents really have to schedule DATES to play? That just is beyond me.

To me is sounds like you are arranging a time for you child to have fun. Send them outside. Aren’t there kids in the neighborhood they can play freely with. What is our world coming to that you have to schedule time for your child to see friends.

I personally think this practice is silly. Send your kids outside. Ride bikes, play ball. We get a “street” game of kick ball going most every afternoon. My kids go crazy couped up in the house.

By SarahO

November 13, 2008 2:24 PM | Link to this

Well, my kids DO go outside - almost every day. Riding bikes, etc. But we live in an older neighborhood and there actually aren’t any children on our street, or the ones around us. Hence, I schedule times for us to see friends that don’t go to the same school, and so that my two can play with someone other than each other.

By Numbers Guy

November 13, 2008 2:58 PM | Link to this

Sugar - that works great if you live in a street filled with kids. We don’t, although the neighborhood has its share. Since they’re scattered all over the place, and since everyone has activities to work around (baseball, chess, soccer, whatever) the Moms in the ‘hood do a weekly thing. Seems to be the onlt effective way to make it happen.

As for the boy, he’ll talk to any kid, any time. Never faced this issue.

By motherjanegoose

November 13, 2008 3:21 PM | Link to this

Checking in and I think Newmom had some good points. I see thousands of children each year and many are products of their parents…OUTGOING PRODUCES OUTGOING… THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS… AND TIMES WHEN THINGS GO AWRY.

My son had some serious issues with this when he was at Walnut Grove Elementary school in the 5th grade. Nearly the entire class had been together since Kinder and they were RUDE to him. He was happy as a clam at his old school but not able to fit in after joining the 5th grade there. The teacher even called us in to fill in the blanks as he was so upset. She had sent him on an errand and had a stern talk with the class. He really shut down that year and for the next few until he found himself again via sports and church activities. Even the neighborhood kids were not keen on a newcomer. He moved from that phase to treasurer of his fraternity at college and has a nice circle of friends now. I run into Pharmacists periodically that work with him on a rotating basis and they all think a lot of him. It was so painful when he was hurting.

TO HAVE A FRIEND YOU MUST BE A FRIEND and sometimes we DO have to encourage our children to specifically schedule things to get a group of children involved. Sugar…sorry but NO, I would not let my children just play outside like I did when I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago…we live 3 miles from the MOG but it is NOT the same safety net as it was in the sixties! I wish we could just let them ride bikes all day like I did and go ice skating at the park for hours ( like I did) but things are more complicated.

My daughter has oodles of friends and she is very accepting of anyone. She frequently tells me about those who are ugly to girls she knows. She tried to stick up for them. This is so sad and I hate for any child to endure this.
Sometimes it takes a loving parent and a caring teacher to pair children up…those who each need a friend.

I have friends from coast to coast but always have room for more friends. My daughter seems to follow this spirit.

Children are always watching you and if you seem at ease with new people and welcome them into the group…this is what your children will do. Parents would not believe what we, as teachers, observe and know that this is coming from home!

By new mom

November 13, 2008 3:57 PM | Link to this

I really think that children need to be taught early on to encourage each other. (which I think will lead to developing good friendships) In our gymboree classes, I always try to have our girl clap her hands and say ‘yea __’ when other kids accomplish something. I don’t know if she understands it yet, but I do think she is starting to. I believe those children who are supportive and encouraging to other children will have stronger friendships, and be more emotionally stable in the long run. The sooner we teach them to think of others and get their minds off of themselves and their wants and desires, the better! ;) I think that’s one of the many keys to happiness…

I too long for the days when I could ride my bike for hours, go to our neighborhood pool without my parents worrying a bit, and be gone all day at various neighbors’ houses without a care in the world. But the world isn’t like that anymore….For one, our little one is still too little to roam the streets! (14 mths) so playdates w/ neighbors is fun for us. When we were little, I’m sure bad stuff happened, but we sure didn’t hear about it—whereas now everyone uses more caution. But mostly, I think both parents working is the biggest factor in not as many kids getting to play outside with others. When I was little (I sound like an old man!) every house I visited had a mom at home. So my parents knew I was being supervised, and if I got out of line, my parents got a phone call. And I got a spanking! So I knew to behave no matter where I was. I’m not trying to start some sahm v working mom debate, trust me, but I do think this reality is a factor in the change of times.

By Kathy

November 13, 2008 4:13 PM | Link to this

If you feel safe enough to let your children just go outside unsupervised, more power to you. In these times of sex offenders on every corner and gangs roaming every street (and yes both scenarios occur in the best neighborhoods), I will be scheduling playdates or whatever word you want to use.

My daughter is very outgoing now and is making friends easily at school. I hope that it lasts!

By nurse&mother

November 13, 2008 4:33 PM | Link to this

FCM good for you teaching that snob a lesson. Interestingly, I try to do similar things when I am around rude kids or even polite kids. I reinforce the good behavior by saying “what nice manners. Thank you”. When I encounter rude children, I usually make a point to acknowledge the rude behavior. I realize that I will not change the world, but I do see some perplexed looks. I still hang hope that maybe I will make an impression on at least a few kids over my lifetime.

I will say that my child has never had problems with making friends, but as she gets older, I have noticed she is having a little more difficulty with this. I realize it must be the age.

Amanda, I’m not sure that I would encourage my daughter to look for friendships online. I think that could lead to dangerous situations (meeting sexual predators). Not to mention we already live in a virtual world. I think it is important to have friendships where you can see and talk to each other. JMHO.

By nurse&mother

November 13, 2008 4:37 PM | Link to this

Amanda, I truly hate to hear that your daughter is having difficulty making friends due to her syndrome. I can only imagine the anguish you ALL must feel.

By Amanda

November 13, 2008 4:41 PM | Link to this

You brought up a very good point, Nurse & Mother. Please rest assured my husband & I are always with her when she’s met an online buddy. While I certainly think she’s the loveliest young lady (I know, a bit prejudiced, aren’t I!), due to the nature of her disorder, I’m afraid others find her physically repelling. So, sexual predators are hardly an issue. We always fear bigots who want to violently assault her. That’s happened to her in school & out in public countless times. Yes, it IS important to have face-to-face contact but everyone shuns her so that is not possible. She won’t even look anyone is the eye because she’s afraid of being beaten up, it’s occurred so often. That poor kid is fearful of everyONE & every THING..

By Stacey

November 13, 2008 4:41 PM | Link to this

Great topic! My son used to be shy but halfway through last school year he seemed to blossom and has turned in to Mr. Popularity. The issue he still has is that he wears his heart on his sleeve and will allow kids to take advantage of him. He comes home about once a week with his feelings hurt because someone has done something mean just for the sake of being mean. I’ve tried telling him some people are just jerks but he still tries to “kill them with kindness”. I can only think of one kid that he has actually deemed as lost cause. He still isn’t mean to this kid but he will go out of his way not to have any sort of interaction with him.

By Amanda

November 13, 2008 4:48 PM | Link to this

Oh, no, Stacey, that’s just awful. I wish he could grow a thicker skin, but that’s easier said than done..Ever think that some of these kids are mean because they are jealous of his popularity? Too bad they don’t see the bigger picture. If they were nicer, they, too, might be more well-liked

By nurse&mother

November 13, 2008 4:52 PM | Link to this

Hey MotherjaneGoose- (off topic-sorry) do you have any suggestions for my 6th grade daughter. She is having a little trouble daydreaming in class. She has all A’s except for a 89 avg. in Math. One seasoned teacher that I met with today tended to think that it was normal. She also noted that my child is not having a problem in her class. The other two are young without children. Both said that the problem is not too bad, but that she will sometimes ask for directions after they have already been given the instructions. My daughter will sometimes ask a question when the answer has just been given. She is a gifted student who doesn’t have to crack open a book (except math).

By motherjanegoose

November 14, 2008 7:03 AM | Link to this

nurse and mother….I am an early childhood consultant and have no experience in this arena but I will check around with those who may.
My hunch is that math is not her primary interest and that she is wandering because of it. Sorry… Maybe catlady would know.

By Becky

November 14, 2008 8:48 AM | Link to this

Amanda, you are not prejudiced in thinking that your daughter is beautiful..Just keep loving her & being a good mother & hopefully she’ll grow into a wonderful woman..

By new mom

November 17, 2008 9:49 AM | Link to this

Hi nurse&mother, I have a thought on your daughter’s math performance. Even though I’m no MJG ;) I was a 5th grade teacher, and MS & HS youth worker for many years.

If I were you, I would consider the possibility that your daughter is suffering from a case of the boy-crazies. When I taught 5th grade, the saying went that Santa brought horomones to the girls for Christmas. It was true, every girl showed up after “holiday break” different, they were more edgy, sensitive, and distracted. The started noticing the boys they previously thought were gross, and tended to act weird in front of them.

It might be possible that your daughter has been picked on, by a girl or boy, for being the ‘brain’ and that the other girls don’t think it’s so cool to be good in math. I saw that phenomenon personally! Then the smart girl will try to downplay her brains just so she doesn’t stand out, especially if it might be more accepted among her peers for the boys to excel in math.

Teachers, especially younger ones, tend to be hesitant to bring up emotional issues with parents, because parents can freak out and get defensive when it involves their kids. (not that you would be that way, just in general)

My suggestion is to start by encouraging her to do her best, asking her if, deep down, she did her absolute best. If she’s as smart as you say, she will know she didn’t. Learning to work hard for herself and achieving her own sense of accomplishment is a hard thing, but the sooner she gets it, the better. She can show her friends and the boys too that she can be fun, friendly, and still be smart.

Just a thought, maybe it might help you (and her!) :)

Sincerely, New mom