Grade: D-

Verdict: Tara acted much better at P-Diddy's birthday party.

By BOB TOWNSEND
Cox News Service

"Alone in the Dark" co-stars perpetual party-girl Tara Reid as an archeologist. That alone should give you some clue as to how bad this movie is.

Based the cult survival/horror video game, "Alone in the Dark: The New Nightmare," the movie tracks the smacking and shooting adventures of paranormal investigator Edward Carnbie. He's played by pumped-up Christian Slater, who wears muscle shirts under his trench coat, so we know he's tough.

Reid portrays his former girlfriend, Aline Cedrac. She pins her bleached blond tresses up, and wears horn-rimmed glasses and a white lab coat, so we know she's a scientist.

It turns out that Carnbie's latest case is so strangely personal that it gives him horrible nightmares and splitting headaches — not to mention freaky flashbacks to his troubled childhood at Our Lady of Perpetual Light Orphanage, where he was one of 20 children subjected to the weird experiments of wicked Professor Hudgens (Matthew Walker).

As the movie opens, a little boy on an airplane tells Slater, "My mother says there's nothing to be afraid of in the dark." To which Slater rudely replies, "Your mother's wrong. Being afraid of the dark is what keeps most of us alive."

That's about as good as it gets for dialogue. But there really are plenty of things to be afraid of. None of them are as scary as the wooden acting and poor production, or the incoherent script that leads "Alone in the Dark" to jumble genres in search of a terrifying moment or two. The only constant among all the confusion is the gleeful gaming gore, as the characters get to waste "Dawn of the Dead"-type zombies and big black bug things that explode like the ones in "Starship Troopers."

Sure it's fun to throw popcorn and talk back to the screen sometimes. "Alone in the Dark" doesn't even give viewers that much satisfaction, though.

When Reid lets her hair down and crawls into bed with Slater, and the soundtrack swells with cheesy calypso music, you might be tempted to think, "Finally, some cheap thrills .Ê.Ê."

Think again.