Pixar shows none of its previous charm in 'Cars'

Gentlemen (and ladies), stop your engines.

"Cars" is a critic-proof horror — a garish, noisy, soulless, surefire hit from John Lasseter and the folks at Pixar. Yes, the same geniuses who gave us the "Toy Story" movies, "Monsters, Inc." and "Finding Nemo."

Buena Vista Pictures 'Cars' C- The verdict: You'll feel like you've been run over, but for some, that's what a summer movie is all about. Directors: John Lasseter, Joe Ranft Starring: Owen Wilson, Paul Newman, Bonnie Hunt, Richard Petty, Cheech Marin Run time: 116 minutes Release date: June 9, 2006 Rating: G See showtimes Test drive! Get to know the characters with these stills from the movie. Behind the wheel •  Hot wheeling it with Pixar's John Lasseter •  The cars in Lasseter's life •  Five 'animated' voiceovers On the web Official movie site View the trailer    Trailers require Quicktime Rate 'Cars'   Go see it   Make it a matinee   Wait to rent   Don't bother Voter Limit: Once per Hour View Poll Results

Say it ain't so, John.

If you're a parent, short of sending your child to temporary foster care for the summer, there's no way you're not going to buy a ticket for this heavily hyped juggernaut built around the hipness cachet of Owen Wilson, our hushed reverence for anything Paul Newman, its sheer Pixar-ness and cars, cars, cars!

Wilson "plays" Lightning McQueen, a hotshot rookie on the NASCAR circuit whose ego — if not his tires — could use some deflating. But en route to a race in California against the King (voiced by NASCAR legend Richard Petty), a stalwart but aging star; and Chick Hicks (Michael Keaton), a shifty-geared jerk, Lightning takes an unexpected detour to sleepy Radiator Springs, where everything operates at around 15 mph. Stuck there until he finishes some community service mandated by Doc Hudson (Newman), he learns some valuable lessons about life off the fast track and gets some high-octane tips from the mysterious Doc, a crusty old Hudson Hornet who, it turns out, has done a winner's lap a few times himself.

The town's characters aren't all that bad: an addled, folksy tow truck (Larry the Cable Guy, very funny); a rainbow-painted hippie VW van (George Carlin) and his best pal/rival, a retired military jeep (Paul Dooley); an ebullient, Ferrari-loving Fiat (Tony Shalhoub); and a sleek Porsche (Bonnie Hunt) who's taken time off from the fast lane, too. Permanently.

The picture looks terrific, showcasing state-of-the-art computer animation with an attention to detail that would do a pit crew proud. Visually, "Cars" is a wonder, a whirl of color, clever perspectives and waterfalls that take your breath away.

But at almost 2 hours, the movie, well, exhausts its welcome, somehow managing to be simultaneously frenetic and leaden. The sub-"Shrek" jokes — spritzed-out nonzingers about agents and the Biz — are grating, out of place and not very good. And the Life Lessons are imparted with none of the charm and nuance of Pixar's previous winners.

All that said, the kids will love it.