'Firewall' is not worth hacking

A quick search of the Internet defines the term "firewall" as a number of security measures intended to protect a computer network from unauthorized users. Sadly, the same cannot be said for Harrison Ford's latest film, "Firewall." Rife with plot holes, bad acting and a star well past his action/adventure prime, it offers no security whatsoever to moviegoers.

Ford plays Jack Stanfield, the vice president of security for a Seattle bank. He has a lovely, stay-at-home-architect wife, Beth, (Virginia Madsen), a stubborn pre-teen daughter, and mop-for-a-hairstyle rugrat son. Jack's quirky executive assistant, Janet, is played by Mary Lynn Rajskub, best known as "24's" hard-hitting computer nerd, Chloe.

Warner Brothers Pictures 'Firewall' D+ The verdict: Who needs coherent plot? Who needs believable characters? Harrison Ford does. Desperately. Director: Richard Loncraine Starring: Harrison Ford, Paul Bettany, Jimmy Bennett, Virginia Madsen, Robert Patrick Run time: 105 minutes Release date: Feb. 10, 2006 Rating: PG-13 for some intense sequences of violence. See showtimes Meet the hero Austin American-Statesman film writer Chris Garcia interviews Harrison Ford about his roles as an action hero. On the web Official movie site View the trailer    Trailers require Quicktime Rate 'Firewall'   Go see it   Make it a matinee   Wait to rent   Don't bother Voter Limit: Once per Hour View Poll Results

The Swiss cheese plot begins with Jack's job. As VP of bank security, he's responsible for keeping criminals — particularly electronic ones — out of other peoples' money. Bill Cox (Paul Bettany) and a team of high-tech criminals take Jack's family hostage to pressure Jack to use his knowledge of the bank's security systems to steal $100 million by breaking through the company's "firewall."

It's at this point in the movie — about 20 minutes in — that the viewer begins to realize this story is way too unsecure for safe movie-watching.

First, Jack's family strains credibility. When men storm into her house with guns, slap her two children around and bully her husband to commit a major crime, Beth is simply too calm about it all. Scarily so. The children are amazingly calm and serene through the entire ordeal as well. Immediately after the home invasion, Beth and the children go to sleep in the master bedroom as if it's all a bad dream — oblivious to the fact they'd just had their lives threatened at gunpoint and watched the father, Jack, pistol whipped in the head. I wondered if perhaps there were a cut of film on the editing room floor where the bad guys slipped all three of them a few valium before sending them into the bedroom.

The bad guys are no better. The film title sequence hints of sophisticated surveillance — pizza delivery with a mic and camera hidden in the pizza box — and old school identity theft — sifting through trash for credit card numbers. The home invasion sequence is quick and hard hitting; it's almost convincing. But from that point on, the bad guys seem to settle in for a vacation at the Stanfield home. After setting up equipment, they lounge about the house, making sandwiches, watching TV and not looking threatening at all.

There's even a family escape scene that, of course, falls through, but not before all the bad guys in the house are had by a Radio Shack remote control car and a fire extinguisher.

Bettany is hardly believable as a criminal mastermind. Even when he deliberately induces a peanut allergy torture scene — yes, I said peanut allergy torture scene — using Jack's irritating son, you really don't feel like he's trying to be intimidating.

Once director Richard Loncraine establishes the unconvincing family and criminal elements, the plot holes begin to open up and compromise the integrity of his film. In one scene, Jack explains to Cox that the "maintenance terminals" for the bank's computer systems were removed due to the recently initiated bank merger. This is supposed to royally screw up their plans to steal the money. Yet a half hour later, Cox and Jack are in the server room again in front of what looks like a "maintenance terminal" — a keyboard and screen. Perhaps it wasn't a real "maintenance terminal," since Jack has to fashion a fax machine scanner head and iPod "OCR text reader" to capture the data from the screen. (That's right — an iFax, or faxPod, if you will.)

Jack, his executive assistant, the criminals and pretty much everyone else in the movie benefit from what seems like the biggest WiFi hotspot in the world. They can surf the Internet and access secure bank networks from pretty much anywhere. There's even a scene where Jack and Janet track the family dog's GPS-powered dog collar on a laptop (whose batteries never die) in the sticks of the Pacific Northwest. What do I have to pay per month to have that sort of Internet access?

But is this film really about coherent plot? Believeable supporting characters?

Well, no, right? It's a Harrison Ford movie, right? Who needs all those other "good movie" elements when you have Harrison Ford, right? Everyone loves a Harrison Ford movie, right?

Ford is known for his desperation movies: "Frantic" (a personal favorite), "The Fugitive" and "Air Force One" immediately come to mind. Typically, Ford does the progression from terrified panic to determined heroism very well. It's one of his trademarks.

Yet, in "Firewall," Ford is showing his age. You want him to take on that gruff voice where his head shakes and his jowels tremble as he lays down the law with a bad guy. In this movie, his voice is what's shaky. The gruffness breaks and makes him sound like he's coughing up phlegm.

His age especially shows when compared to a much younger-looking Madsen. Ford seems too old and out of place with a wife and the kids that make him look more like Grandpa than Daddy. In one of the final scenes, you really have to wonder if a man half a decade shy of 70 really would fare in the obligatory all-out brawl.

In the end, "Firewall" takes what could be an entertaining plot — a bank security executive whose family is ransomed by high tech thieves for ridiculous amounts of money — and completely blows it up in your face.

Usually it's hackers who want to get inside the firewall. In this case, the hacking you hear is theater patrons trying to get out of "Firewall."