'Kinky Boots': Fashioned on the movie assembly line

Oh, do come in, love — welcome to the Twee Brit Comedy Factory. Yes, dear, it used to be called the Miramax Factory, but management changed. It doesn't really matter who owns the place, does it, so long as the conveyer belts run.

Would you like some tea? No? Right, then.

Miramax Films 'Kinky Boots' D The verdict: A too-familiar, cobbled-together Brit comedy. Director: Julian Jarrold Starring: Chiwetel Ejiofor, Joel Edgerton, Sarah-Jane Potts, Jemima Rooper, Ewan Hooper Run time: 106 minutes Release date: April 14, 2006 Rating: PG-13 for thematic material involving sexuality, and for language. See showtimes On the web Official movie site View the trailer    Trailers require Quicktime Rate 'Kinky Boots'   Go see it   Make it a matinee   Wait to rent   Don't bother Voter Limit: Once per Hour View Poll Results

So, I understand you'd like to make a cozy little feature about adorable, small-town British characters who struggle against big odds and come out winning? Yes, exactly like "Calendar Girls" and "The Full Monty" and "Brassed Off" and "Saving Grace."

Not to boast, dear, but many of the elements for those movies came from this very factory! So let's go down to the main floor and assemble all the parts you'll need. (Mind the stairs!)

First, you'll want a title. Follow me to the fridge. No, dear, I'm not hungry — it's where we stick all the magnets with funny words on them. Let's move them around and see what we find. "Kinky." Oh, that's good! That's naughty-sounding, without any promise of having to follow up on it. But "Kinky" what? "Elbow." No. "Anglican." No. Oh, look: "Boots." Let's call your movie "Kinky Boots."

Next, your location. How about Northampton? It's industrial and bleak, the kind of background that makes all the adorable supporting characters just — how do you Yanks put it? Oh yes: pop! Sound good? Grand, let's put Northampton on the conveyor belt.

Next, you need a beaten-down hero who has to find new faith in himself in an unlikely, colorful way and lead his quirky friends and/or colleagues to a rousing victory at the end.

This model looks promising: Charlie, a sad young man who inherits the family's failing shoe factory when his father dies (rest his soul). For the actor, let's hire this Australian fellow, Joel Edgerton. Well, of course you haven't heard of him. That's because he won't do anything that might upset your audience — like exhibit charisma or any particular talent as a leading man.

Now for his colorful sidekick ... I think I have just the thing! How about an outrageous black drag queen named Lola? They've been so popular since that "Crying Game" movie, only you won't have to include any of that IRA nonsense and the gunplay or any close-ups of his, you know, man-bits.

For the actor playing Lola, what about Chiwetel Ejiofor? (No, dear, I don't know if I'm saying his name right, either, but if he hasn't the decency to change it to something pronounceable like "Clive" or "Rhys" it's his own fault.)

Remember, Ejiofor was so good in "Dirty Pretty Things" and that outer-space movie, "Serenity." Plus he looks quite comical in a dress and wig, so no one in the audience will feel threatened by that whole cross-dressing thing. Oh, except of course for all the small-towners in Northampton and the factory workers, whenever you need a spot of easy, contrived conflict.

Oh, and let's have Lola be a loud-and-proud cross-dresser in one scene, then let him (pardon, her) be ashamed and self-doubting the next! Character consistency is not dramatically interesting, dear, but a scene of teary-eyed lip-quivering sadness is — and you can most certainly have Lola be "fierce" again at the end.

For extra color, let's show Lola performing at her "drag queen" club. Oh no, dear, it doesn't matter if the club scenes are authentic or even look like they take place on planet Earth!

And let's let Lola sing all her own songs, unlike any drag queen who ever existed. Have you heard Chiwetel sing? He's hilariously — oh, how to put this — not good.

Super, then! Moving on ...

Next, let's dig through this Plot Recycling Bin and see what will serve to help Charlie turn the family business around.

Oh, I found it. And it's perfect! Perfect! Have Lola design a line of — yes! — kinky boots for fellow drag queens, a niche market apparently large enough to turn around the entire city of Northampton's economic slump! Who knew!? And hurrah! Your movie's almost ready for manufacture.

What's that, dear? The "love interest"? Oh, of course! Silly me. Let's give Charlie a shrewish, Jimmy Choo-loving fiancée for a little frisson, and also a plucky young factory worker to be there for Charlie when the filthy witch dumps him.

We'll cast those actresses later. And no, dear, they don't have to be very good — no more than the third-rate screenplay, the uninspired director, or your movie as a whole.

Right, then. Hit that big red button that says "Produce" ... and let's go have that tea.