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'Melinda and Melinda': Neither tale works

Woody Allen, one of the most prolific and entertaining purveyors of neurotic comedy throughout the '70s, '80s and much of the '90s, either ran out of ideas in recent years or just began settling by churning out empty movies with sporadic laughs.

Can anyone recall Curse of the Jade Scorpion or Hollywood Ending without a regretful sigh or a pained wince?

Fox Searchlight Pictures 'Melinda and Melinda' C- The verdict: Two stories of a distraught blonde, one comic and one tragic, but both unsatisfying and neither very funny. Director: Woody Allen Starring: Will Ferrell, Radha Mitchell, Neil Pepe, Stephanie Roth Haberle, Larry Pine and Wallace Shawn Run time: 100 minutes Release date: March 18, 2005 Rating: PG-13 for adult situations involving sexuality and some substance material See showtimes On the web Official movie site View the trailer   -- Trailers require Quicktime [an error occurred while processing this directive]

With Melinda and Melinda, Allen at least has a kernel of an interesting premise. It begins with a friendly argument between a serious playwright (Larry Pine) and a writer of farce (Wallace Shawn) over whether life is tragic or comic. They agree it is all about how you tell a story and each launches into the saga of Melinda, a woman with a dark past, who disrupts a New York dinner party.

Back and forth go the two stories, in contrasting styles. But before long, unfortunately, you are likely to lose track of which version was supposed to be the funny one. Hint: It is the one with Will Ferrell, who does an awkward imitation of Allen's personal cadences and mannerisms.

Otherwise, you would be hard pressed to tell which is which. That may be Allen's point, that comedy and tragedy are virtually interchangeable, but without much humor or anything worth mulling, the result is two unsatisfying, stilted movies for the price of one.

The best thing about it is surely Radha Mitchell, Johnny Depp's wife in Finding Neverland, as the two Melindas, the only cast member who appears in both stories. In the dramatic tale, she walks in on former college friend Laurel (Chloe Sevigny) and her alcohol-dependent would-be actor husband (Johnny Lee Miller) whose marriage is shaky. She moves in with them, tries to regain custody of her children, taken away from her when she landed in a mental hospital. Although her friend tries to fix her up with a dentist, Melinda prefers a philosophic piano player (Chiwetel Ejiofor of Dirty Pretty Things), who soon enters into an affair with Laurel.

In the comic version, Melinda intrudes on an independent filmmaker (Amanda Peet) and her actor husband, Hobie (Ferrell), who develops romantic feelings for Melinda and bumbles his way through an inept play for her.

Although both storylines feel forced, Mitchell manages to hover above the film's problems, offering a pair of distinctive performances and looking fetching, even when distraught. In each, it is crucial that we are drawn to Melinda and understand why all the male characters would be. Mitchell, who resembles a young Jessica Lange, makes that easy for us.

Ferrell is clearly the Allen surrogate. Fortunately the filmmaker decided to remain behind the camera, so at least the romantic match-up is a lot more age-appropriate. Still, it is a very self-conscious performance by Ferrell, who falls into the speech patterns of John Cusack and Kenneth Branagh in past Allen efforts.

As usual, Allen shows an affection for New York locations, with cinematographer Vilmos Zsigmond capturing them with a storybook sheen. Although the couples in both stories are having money troubles, they live in vast unaffordable apartments, further evidence that Allen is out of touch with the rest of the world.

Despite the disappointments of his recent films, Allen apparently has no trouble attracting interesting emerging actors to his projects. Attracting an audience for Melinda and Melinda should be a much larger challenge.