'Memoirs of a Geisha': Big-budget soap opera

Supersized budget and lustrous trappings aside, "Memoirs of a Geisha" is basically "Desperate Housewives" with kimonos and fans.

Based on Arthur Golden's best-seller, a faux-memoir about the geisha life in Japan before and after World War II, the movie follows the strikingly blue-eyed Sayuri (Suzuka Ohgo, then Ziyi Zhang) who, at age 9, is sold by her impoverished family to work as a servant at a geisha house. There, she's treated like a Dickensian orphan by Mother (Kaori Momoi), a greedy old crone with a sing-song-y voice like nails on a chalkboard, and by Hatsumomo (Gong Li), a grand-diva geisha who's imperious, deceitful, ill-tempered and just plain mean.

DreamWorks SKG 'Memoirs of a Geisha' C The verdict: A beautiful bore. Director: Rob Marshall Starring: Ziyi Zhang, Ken Watanabe, Gong Li, Michelle Yeoh, Youki Kudoh Run time: 145 minutes Release date: Dec. 9, 2005 Rating: PG-13 for mature subject matter and some sexual content. See showtimes On the web Official movie site View the trailer    Trailers require Quicktime Rate 'Memoirs of a Geisha'   Go see it   Make it a matinee   Wait to rent   Don't bother Voter Limit: Once per Hour View Poll Results

And more than a little angry when Sayuri, mentored by another grade-A geisha, Mameha (Michelle Yeoh), grows up to become her greatest rival.

In Golden's richly detailed novel, you learned about the intricate training geishas undergo to become, literally, living works of art. How to pour tea, how to use a fan and, most importantly, how to stop a man dead in his tracks merely by walking past him.

However, director Rob Marshall ("Chicago") only briefly delves into the arcane rituals of geisha-hood. For the most part, his movie is part Douglas Sirk '50s melodrama, part "The World of Suzie Wong." As the women catfight and compete, the men are comfortably catered to in any way they like. The contest becomes so intense at times, you half-expect a dance-off between Sayuri and Hatsumomo, a la Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley in the old "Saturday Night Live," Chippendales skit.

The movie is also a Cinderella story, with its very own Prince Charming — a handsome older man known as the Chairman (charismatic Ken Watanabe from "The Last Samurai"). Once, when little Sayuri was sobbing by a footbridge, he gave her a sweet and she's been sweet on him ever since. A whopping six years later, she's considered old enough to become his, um, companion — if Hatsumomo stays out of the way and the Chairman stops trying to fix her up with his even older best friend, the General (Kenneth Tsang).

Instead of meaning and depth, Marshall gives us cherry petals and snow flakes. Because he utterly fails to convey what was so special about the fragile world of the geisha, the shattering of that world, post-War, when the vulgar G.I.s come swaggering into town, doesn't have the necessary tragic impact. And when the Chairman and the General ask Sayuri to be very nice to an American general with whom they hope to do business, you have think, remind me again: what was the difference between a geisha and a high-priced hooker?

Oh, right, the geishas have to pour tea, too.

The line is further blurred when Sayuri does her so-called coming-out dance — a backlit swirl of snow and silk and falling blossoms that oddly recalls Elaine's dancing on "Seinfeld." When she's done, men bid for her virginity. There has been flack about casting three Chinese actresses in the lead roles (Yeoh is from Malaysia, but is ethnically Chinese). The filmmakers' defense was, they needed international stars and Japan was in short supply, with the exception of Watanabe.

Asked to speak English with a Japanese accent, all three are at a disadvantage. Especially Zhang, whose English is the rockiest and who has to handle the lion's share of the ludicrous dialogue. She even seems diminished physically. Nothing she does here comes anywhere near her breathtaking work in "Hero" or "House of Flying Daggers." It's not a question of dancing vs. martial arts high-wire antics, but a matter of how she moves, how she carries herself.

Gong, whose brilliant "Raise the Red Lantern" shows us how a story like this should be told (that is, thrillingly), has fun throwing hissy fits, but the role is so overripe and narrowly written she's reduced to Dragon Lady melodrama. "I'll destroy you" she spits at Sayuri before setting a house on fire.

Yeoh, Zhang's co-star in "Crouching Tiger," handles English the best and therefore comes off the best. However, like Gong, she's straightjacketed by a one-note role.

"Memoirs of a Geisha" wears its Oscar aspirations on its lushly brocaded sleeve. Nominations for production design and costumes would be deserved, but that's as far as it goes — though one of the stars could eke out a nomination simply because, well, the movie's failure isn't their fault, really.

However, "Memoirs" does make you wonder if director Marshall is just so much razzle dazzle. You've always got something to look at — whether its Sayuri's exquisitely painted face or the perfect twirl of a gorgeously flowered umbrella. But the storytelling is soap-opera banal.