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'The Omen' remake buries the original's chills

Here's a tip for filthy-rich young parents: When hiring a nanny, avoid applicants who starred in "Rosemary's Baby."

Ignore this advice, and you risk becoming the center of a film as hilariously silly as "The Omen," or perhaps its next remake.

20th Century Fox 'The Omen' 1 out of 5 stars The verdict: Pretty worthless as a horror film. Director: John Moore Starring: Liev Schreiber, Julia Stiles, Mia Farrow, David Thewlis, Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick Run time: 110 minutes Release date: June 6, 2006 Rating: R for disturbing violent content, graphic images and some language. See showtimes On the web Official movie site View the trailer    Trailers require Quicktime Rate 'The Omen'   Go see it   Make it a matinee   Wait to rent   Don't bother Voter Limit: Once per Hour View Poll Results

Normally, when we want to dismiss a sequel or remake that insults the original's memory, we get offended on behalf of that film's makers. (So-and-so must be rolling in his grave, or at least cashing his royalty check with head bowed in shame.) In this case, the victim is the culprit: Screenwriter David Seltzer, not content to have written a horror movie most fans remember as genuinely creepy, has updated it so that the only moments that could (by any stretch) be described as scary are cheap "boo!" gags. (For Seltzer's next trick, he's rewriting the classic Alfred Hitchcock adaptation of Patricia Highsmith's "Strangers on a Train.")

Speaking of "Rosemary's Baby," Liev Schreiber seems to be following in the footsteps of that film's John Cassavetes — he's a fine actor whose most fulfilling interests (stage acting, directing his own movies) don't pay well, so he'll make a day job out of any lousy role that pays the rent.

Here he's Robert Thorn, U.S. ambassador to Great Britain, living in a ridiculously large estate with his wife, Katherine (Julia Stiles). Five years ago he did something well-intentioned but deceptive: After their baby died at birth, Robert, at a priest's urging, allowed Katherine to think that another baby, an orphan, was her own.

Robert really should have done some homework, because young Damien (who acts like he's in a parody of "The Omen" and, let's face it, is) is in fact the spawn of Satan. Nasty things start happening around him as he hits preschool age: Nannies kill themselves, his mother has "accidents" and strange dogs start hanging around Thorn Manor.

After enough of this, Robert starts listening to the strangers (good actors like Pete Postlethwaite and David Thewlis, also slumming) who pop up to tell him he has to save the world from Apocalypse. He travels to Rome and the Holy Land in an attempt to get to the bottom of it all. As anyone who has seen "The Omen II," "The Omen III" and "The Omen IV" sitting forlorn on video-store shelves might guess, his efforts aren't 100 percent successful.

"The Omen" is pretty worthless as a horror film, but those in the mood for camp should add one star to this rating, get some snarky friends together and go out. At last week's preview showing, plenty of snickerers seemed to be having a swell time.