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Effects keep 'Poseidon' afloat even when story weighs it down

Considering all the things that have happened on luxury liners recently — food poisoning, pirates, dead passengers — a humongous, ship-flipping "rogue" wave might almost seem manageable.

But in "Poseidon," thankfully, it's not.

Warner Bros. Pictures 'Poseidon' B- The verdict: Water, water everywhere and not a thought to think ... just as it should be. Director: Wolfgang Petersen Starring: Josh Lucas, Kurt Russell, Richard Dreyfuss, Emmy Rossum, Andre Braugher, Mía Maestro, Mike Vogel, Dylan Johns Run time: 99 minutes Release date: May 12, 2006 Rating: PG-13 for intense prolonged sequences of disaster and peril. See showtimes Dive in! Preview the action in "Poseidon" with these stills from the movie. Ship shape Atlanta Journal-Constitution film critic Bob Longino compares the "Poseidon" movies side-by-side. On the web Official movie site View the trailer    Trailers require Quicktime Rate 'Poseidon'   Go see it   Make it a matinee   Wait to rent   Don't bother Voter Limit: Once per Hour View Poll Results

In this kinda-sorta remake of Irwin Allen's cheesy 1972 disaster classic "The Poseidon Adventure," everything goes impressively topsy-turvy to the tune of a reported $160 million budget.

Though "reimagined" (i.e., no crusading the Rev. Gene Hackman, no inflatable Shelley Winters), the dialogue and characters are every bit as waterlogged as they were more than 30 years ago. But the plot remains sinfully simple and unsinkable: Get to the top — that is, the bottom — of the ship before the darn thing does a Titanic.

The movie begins badly — like a bloated "Love Boat" episode as the various mini-dramas are introduced. To give the disaster a slight 9/11 dusting, Kurt Russell plays a former New York City mayor and firefighter who is worried his daughter, Emmy Rossum, may be getting too cuddly with her boyfriend, Mike Vogel. Single mom Jacinda Barrett worries about her precocious young son, Jimmy Bennett, period.

Dumped by his lover before he boarded, architect Richard Dreyfuss orders a $5,000 bottle of wine and contemplates suicide. M’a Maestro of "Alias" is a claustrophobic stowaway who's been smuggled on the ship by Freddy Rodr’guez of "Six Feet Under." Kevin Dillon is an obnoxious drunk in a ruffled mustard-yellow shirt. And Josh Lucas is a professional gambler who prefers the odds to be on his side.

So, when the Poseidon goes belly up, and Captain Andre Braugher tells the survivors to stay calm and stay put, Lucas hotfoots it out and, hopefully, up. Acting on the disaster-flick rule of thumb — always follow the star whose career is on the upswing — the major cast members are in his footsteps.

Having made "Das Boot" and "The Perfect Storm," director Wolfgang Petersen certainly knows his way around the cinematic life aquatic. More importantly, so do the whiz kids at Industrial Light & Magic (among several CGI companies that worked on the film). At heart, "Poseidon" is just a string of neat-o special effects in search of something that passes for a story line on which to drape itself. When the water's not rising, something heavy is falling.

And boy, do the corpses pile up. One victim crashes through a glass elevator in the ship's Peachtree Plaza-ish lobby. A few others are electrocuted. Still more are turned into burnt crisps. And everywhere you look are all those drowned floating bodies. About the only thing missing is an extra (or computer-generated passenger) being crushed by the giant disco ball at the New Year's Eve party that's in full force when the wave hits ... full force.

Of course, when someone isn't doing something heroic or something's not exploding, the movie treads water in various silly ways. For instance, Russell and Rossum argue about her love life while climbing through a dangerous air conditioning shaft.

But Petersen doesn't care. And neither should you. Complex emotions aren't what "Poseidon" is about.

However, somebody badly dropped the ball on a self-evident bit of primo product placement. Where in the world did Rossum get her extremely waterproof mascara?