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'Rumor Has It...' is as fresh as a subpar sitcom

You know how you wish "The Godfather: Part III" didn't exist — how it's a taint on the first two "Godfather" movies?

It's the same with "Rumor Has It ...," a crass attempt to cash in on the legend of "The Graduate."

Warner Brothers Pictures 'Rumor Has It' D The verdict: One word: Plastic. Director: Rob Reiner Starring: Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Costner, Shirley MacLaine, Mark Ruffalo, Richard Jenkins Run time: 96 minutes Release date: Dec. 25, 2005 Rating: PG-13 for mature thematic material, sexual content, crude humor and a drug reference. See showtimes On the web Official movie site View the trailer    Trailers require Quicktime [an error occurred while processing this directive]

Jennifer Aniston stars as Sarah Huttinger, a woman from "old money" Pasadena who becomes convinced her family was the real-life model for Charles Webb's 1963 novel (on which the 1967 movie was based) about a 21-year-old guy who pursues the daughter of the 42-year-old woman who just seduced him. As in Anne Bancroft and "Here's to you Mrs. Robinson..."

Sarah is unhappy with her job as an obits writer for The New York Times and uncertain about her engagement to Mark Ruffalo (Hollywood's designated Mr. Perfect, so we know something's wrong). A family reunion for her younger sister's (Mena Suvari) wedding only reminds her how much she's never fit in; after all, she's not blond and hates tennis.

So, when her grandmother (Shirley MacLaine) gets a little tipsy and begins dropping hints she's the real Mrs. Robinson, Sarah decides she must be her late mother's love child with the Dustin Hoffman character. Putting her life on hold, Sarah goes in search of the man she guesses must be her father — Internet billionaire Beau Burroughs (Kevin Costner), who even has the same initials as Hoffman's Benjamin Braddock

A dumbed-down, mixed-up romantic dramedy with all the freshness of a subpar sitcom, "Rumor" is the kind of a movie whose idea of a joke is to repeat the phrase "blunt testicular trauma" as many times as possible. Its idea of a Big Confrontation is to have MacLaine chew out former lover Costner after 30-plus years.

Yes, that's right. Thirty-plus. The movie is set in 1997 to spare audiences suffering through a film about a woman in her forties (do the math) suffering an identity crisis.

Here's more math: Three strikes and you're out. With the divorce, "Derailed," and now this rancid miscalculation, Aniston hasn't had a great 2005.

When she worked on "Friends," the actress picked interesting roles during her hiatus — like the conflicted blue-collar wife in "The Good Girl" or Jim Carrey's funny, sexy spouse in "Bruce Almighty." Here, she's doing big-screen Rachel Green, right down to the little-girl wail and the wrinkly nose. Probably not the best way to go, given we can see "Friends" reruns just about 24/7.

But then, this movie doesn't do anyone any favors. MacLaine, who is a marvelous actress, continues to be stuck doing variations of her Oscar-winning role as the tart-tongued Aurora in "Terms of Endearment."

And does Rob Reiner really want to be the new go-to comedy hack? It's a long way down from "This is Spinal Tap" and "Primary Colors" to "Rumor Has It ..."

By the way, the picture begins with the screen text, "Based on a true rumor." What it should say is, "Based on a scene from Robert Altman's 'The Player,' in which Buck Henry pitches studio exec Tim Robbins on a sequel to 'The Graduate'" (which Henry co-scripted).

The proposal is meant as a joke.

Unfortunately, "Rumor Has It ..." isn't.