Fasten your seat belts: 'Snakes on a Plane' is a bumpy ride

Here we are at "Snakes on a Plane" and ... what was that?

That over there. It moved. It looks like a wire, but it moved.

New Line Cinema 'Snakes on a Plane' B- The verdict: Not quite bad enough to be great, but still kind of awesome. Director: David R. Ellis Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Byron Lawson, Nathan Phillips Run time: 105 minutes Release date: August 18, 2006 Rating: R for language, a scene of sexuality and drug use, and intense sequences of terror and violence. See showtimes Snakes... on the brain! Serpents land on the big screen with alarming regularity. On the web Official movie site Rate 'Snakes on a Plane'   Go see it   Make it a matinee   Wait to rent   Don't bother Voter Limit: Once per Hour View Poll Results

Hey, something almost touched that guy's foot.

It's a snake! I know it! They're coming now! Pick your feet up! They're here!

Mister Pilot, please stop hitting at that snake slithering over the control panel. Put that clip board down, sir. If you keep hitting at that snake something bad is going to happen. I'm sure of it.

Don't ... don't. If you don't stop, man, I'll come up to that movie screen and slap you all the way to China. I don't like snakes.

I knew it. He hit the air bag controls. They've dropped in the cabin and now all the snakes are loose!

I see a cobra! A rattler! They're here! They're everywhere! Dozens of 'em. They're in that woman's face. Oh, they bit that lady over there. Oh, they bit her again. Stop it! Stop it now!

Help me! Help me, Mace Windu! Save me, Rikki-Tikki-Tavi!

It's snakes on that ever-lovin' plane!

Oh, why do I have to be here? Why do I have to sit through this? I don't like snakes.

Oh, mama. They said there's gonna be 450 snakes in this movie! I lost count after 10. There's big ones, little ones, coiling ones, spitting ones, hissing ones. They're ridin' the drink cart down the aisle!

Where's that motorcycle-riding surfer dude? It's all his fault. He's got to fly from Hawaii to Los Angeles to testify against some big Asian bad guy so now in an attempt to prevent all that the bad guys have stuffed the plane with vipers. And we have to watch dozens of people scream and yell and jump and flinch and die and die and die. And don't even ask about that poor dog!

Why don't these stupid passengers listen to Samuel L. Jackson?

He said move to the front. The one lady over there didn't. And so she got ate up with poisonous venom. And I got to see her eyes bulge and her face sweat and her body convulse before she up and died.

We've all known this was coming. Snakes and planes have been the talk of the Internet for nearly a year. You can't get away from it. And the studio, New Line Cinema, is not stupid. They didn't show the movie to hoity-toity critics in advance, which is why I am sitting here in the dead of night on Thursday with about 50 other screaming mimis at Phipps Plaza at the first showing of the film to the public.

So what is "Snakes on a Plane?"

Well, Einstein, it is snakes. And they're on a plane. And I'll take a colicky baby any day on Delta after all this.

I mean, I thought "The Descent" was scary, what with ravenously hungry, icky and blind creatures in a deep cave leaping out of the dark to lunch on adrenaline-charged female spelunkers.

But no, here we're 30,000 feet up in the air with no place to run to and precious few places to hide. Because, trust me, that dude who went into the lavatory? I hate to be the one to have to tell you but I think his privates met up with one of the title characters.

I don't know what the point of all this is but I can tell you this:

10:13 p.m. — The movie starts. There's a beach on Oahu, bikinis and a racing motorbike. And some poor dude gets to say "hi there" to a swinging baseball bat. The motorbike dude witnesses all that and then the bad guys are out to get him. We meet the FBI agent (that would be Jackson). While all that happens there are three product-placement moments for RedBull.

10:36 p.m. — Snakes!

Then there's a conspicuously placed Pepsi can.

And then more snakes. And more snakes.

And a great boo scare. And cheers when Jackson says the line inspired by Internet geeks: "I've had it with these (expletive) snakes on this (expletive) plane!"

So, call me. I'll see it again with you this weekend.