Grade: D+

Verdict: Please let it be final.

Details: Starring Jennifer Morrison and Matthew Davis. Rated R for violence/gore, language and some sexuality. One hour, 34 minutes.

Rate it: Write your own review

Review: No, really, I swear this is true. I know because it happened to the brother-in-law of one of my best friend's old frat buddies. Honest!

See, he went to a sneak preview of a slasher flick called "Urban Legends: Final Cut," which is a kind-of sort-of sequel to "Urban Legend" two years ago. But in the new movie, the killings aren't based on urban legends. Well, except for the first one, which is the nastiest and best, and which has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the flick.

No, this time we're at a college boasting "the greatest film school that ever existed," in the words of perpetually stubbled professor Solomon (Hart Bochner), who represents the faculty on a campus that (as in the first movie) seems to have no students besides the 10-odd marked-for-death characters.

Virtually the only other adult is security guard Reese (Loretta Devine, the one holdover from the '98 film), who's been directed to overdo her sassy sistah routine, watching Pam Grier movies on her video monitors instead of protecting students from a crazed killer. (Even better, after one student narrowly escapes the psycho, who wears a fencing mask, Reese basically pooh-poohs her story.)

Oh, about the students: There's our heroine, Amy (Jennifer Morrison), an aspiring director who decides to make her thesis film about urban legends (thus the tenuous connection to the earlier flick). Also: Travis (Matthew Davis), the school's most admired young talent; Graham (Joseph Lawrence), a pampered cad with a Hollywood dad; Toby (Anson Mount), a hothead; Vanessa (Eva Mendes), a feisty lesbian who's a ringer for Gina Gershon; and Sandra (Jessica Cauffiel), a slutty young actress whose intentionally bad performance in a student film is a highlight of "UL:FC."

There's also Marco Hofschneider, who had to play scenes buck naked in 1991's "Europa Europa." In retrospect that was probably a lot less embarrassing than appearing in this movie.

The students are all movie-mad, and several are aiming to win the school's Hitchcock prize for filmmaking. Something "Urban Legends: Final Cut" would never in a million years win. The script is so self-reflective and movie-obsessed, you may think you've wandered into a bad remake of "Scream 3." You'd be right.

The characters are all interchangeably gorgeous and equally shallow; watching them get killed off is about as disturbing as seeing moths burnt by a candle flame. First-time director John Ottman manages to crank some suspense out of a couple of chase scenes, but he can't bring life to a movie formula that is now dead dead dead.

Oh, but I forgot my main point. I was telling you about the brother-in-law of one of my best friend's old frat buddies. Halfway through the movie, he got up and snuck into another theater playing "Almost Famous."

I couldn't go, because I had to see the whole thing and write this review. Isn't that the scariest thing you ever heard?

— Steve Murray, Cox News Service