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'Eight Below': You'll laugh and cry — just as Disney wanted

There's a term that sledders bark to their dog teams when they want to get them moving — a word that neatly sums up Disney's predictable outdoor adventure "Eight Below." What is it again? Oh, yes. Mush.

What this serviceable if lazily formulaic melodrama offers is emotional pornography through good ol' animal exploitation. Again and again it's been proven that animal movies are made specifically to make us cry. The creatures, be it hare, horse or hound, are placed in distressing conditions that cause them to howl, whimper and, in the case of the horse, bulge out their eyes in glassy terror, which is really freaky.

Walt Disney Pictures 'Eight Below' 2 out of 5 stars Director: Frank Marshall Starring: Paul Walker, Jason Biggs, Bruce Greenwood, Moon Bloodgood Run time: 120 minutes Release date: Feb. 17, 2005 Rating: PG for some peril and brief mild language. See showtimes On the web Official movie site View the trailer    Trailers require Quicktime [an error occurred while processing this directive]

No human likes to watch this. Masochistically, we do it anyway. Even if we know the animals are going to die. From "Old Yeller" and "Where the Red Fern Grows" to "King Kong" and "Charlotte's Web," we hate it when they die. HATE it. No one would go with me to see "Eight Below" — about eight fluffy sled dogs abandoned during a harsh winter in Antarctica, boo-hoo — because they knew it would rip their heart into six pieces.

It did that to me. I expected it. But I didn't like the way it did it.

The dogs suffer in "Eight Below." They whine and yelp. They get injured. They nearly starve. They are cold. A couple of them do something that quite possibly will ruin your evening. They also go all heroic, fending off with mathematical teamwork a seal that looks like a dinosaur. With this much emotional manipulation going on, "Eight Below" is supreme doggie porn — pupsploitation.

Fortunately, we know none of the suffering is real, although the movie, directed with pedestrian gusto by Frank Marshall, is "suggested by" a 1983 Japanese movie based on a true incident. Even at peak moments of peril, the dogs' behavior is a wee bit too mechanical, their appearances too robust and groomed. They have the locked, hypnotized glare of trained dogs following off-camera trainers, ready to snap up another Scooby snack. You never forget that they are pampered Hollywood hounds with agents, fancy cars, tabloid dating woes and bad smoking habits.

"Eight Below" traces the dogs' survival adventures when they're left behind during the evacuation of an Antarctic research outpost. Not enough room on the plane, kids. See you when the blizzard clears. In, like, eight months.

What we learn: When they get sick of eating snow, dogs will hunt large birds. They will gnaw on a dead whale. They will maintain pack order using hierarchical puppy politics. And, most amazing, they won't bite off the noses of the humans when they return, hundreds of days later, for the rescue. Man's most tolerant friend.

Incidentally, slumpy hunk Paul Walker, charismatic as a Milk-Bone, is the film's human star. He loves his dogs. He declares the movie's theme, "You gotta take chances for the things you care about," with a robotic baritone. He hugs the dogs. He blubbers.

You will too.