With their wedding day quickly approaching, Vanessa Caldwell and Cole Parker are still hammering out key details: cupcakes or a tiered fantasy in frosting?

Calla lilies as the table centerpieces in the reception hall or the more playful candles and jelly beans?

But they know how they’ll pay for the big day. Or — more precisely — who will pay for it. Their guests.

The 75 invited are being asked to pony up cash to cover everything from the champagne toast to the candy favors to the silk fabric for the wedding dress.

So much for the rules of yesteryear. Used to be, guests gave fine china and silverware toward the couple’s new life together. Asking for cash was a big no-no.

Traditionalists say it still is. But for Parker, 36, and Caldwell, 28, asking guests to pitch in is practical and savvy.

“We don’t need pots and pans,” said Caldwell, who lives in Sandy Springs. “The idea is to allow our friends to be a part of the experience and contribute to our love.”

From cash bars to setting up “wishing wells” and money trees at the reception, some brides and grooms are turning to their guests to keep the dream alive for a picture-perfect wedding day.

In this slumping economy, almost 60 percent of brides-to-be said it’s acceptable to have a cash bar at a wedding reception to cut costs, according to a recent Brides.com survey of about 2,000 women.

Some of the budget-minded betrothed are linking to sites such as dreambank.org , wishpot.com and rainfallofenvelopes.com , all of which allow donations to be made with a mouse click.

When wishpot.com was first launched in 2007, about 20 percent of engaged couples included a cash donation option via PayPal as part of their registry. Since the recession started, about 80 percent of the 100,000 couples signed up have done so.

Caldwell and Parker, who pride themselves on being “untraditional,” created their own Web site — dollarforawedding.com — that accepts donations to pay for the whole shebang. Visitors click on a photograph of a dollar bill to give money. So far, $700 has gone into the happy couple’s wedding kitty.

But not everyone is on board with brides and grooms banking on the guests to foot the bill for the wedding.

In the Brides.com survey, almost 80 percent of respondents said it’s in bad form to request cash gifts to help pay for the wedding. Manners mavens agree.

“I don’t care if it’s a tough economy or not, it’s incredibly rude to ask your honored, treasured guests to pay for your party,” said Teresa Duggan, owner of The Etiquette School in Cumming. “It’s like saying, ‘I want you to come to my wedding but please pay for my Cinderella dreams.’ ”

Cash requests a no-no?

Some etiquette experts say asking for cash gifts is not rude if done tactfully. But for many, asking guests to pay for the wedding reception itself crosses the line — a little like marrying a guy you just met in Vegas.

“My mantra is invitations are not invoices. Weddings are not fund-raisers,” said Jodi Smith of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting in Boston. “To me, it’s like you get invited to someone’s house for Thanksgiving dinner ... and then a week later, they call you and ask you to bring a turkey for 30 people.”

Smith insists couples who can’t afford a wedding-day celebration should host a low-cost cake and champagne reception.

Anna Post, great-great-granddaughter of etiquette icon Emily Post, said it’s always been acceptable to give money; what’s changed is that brides and grooms are now asking for it. Post said it makes sense for modern couples who are older and may have no need for china to seek monetary gifts.

But the request needs to be made politely, and guests should always be given the option of choosing a more traditional gift.

“You can say something like, we’d love anything you’d choose, but we are hoping to work toward a down payment on our first home and would love help with that,” said Post, who’s authored her own wedding etiquette books. “Just remember, ultimately, the choice of the gift is always up to the giver.”

Even before the recession, couples were turning away from requests for fine china and dropping hints for cash on their wedding Web sites. But money was typically only part of a registry that went toward paying for big-ticket items like the honeymoon.

Experts say the interest in cash gifts also is being shaped by couples who are more likely to be paying for their own wedding. A recent GetMarried.com online survey of about 1,500 brides found roughly 60 percent of brides and grooms are paying for at least a portion of the wedding-day expenses.

Trying to stay out of debt

At a recent bridal shower for Annette Filliat, hosted by Filliat’s mother, who lives in Roswell, a “money tree” was set up. Before the event, guests were encouraged to hang cash-filled envelopes on a 2-foot wire tree.

“Before the recession, I used to think cash gifts at weddings were tacky and impersonal,” Filliat said. “The recession has changed our mind-set.”

Filliat, 28, said she and her fiancé, Steve Davis, are paying the lion’s share of their wedding expenses. And while it’s been scaled back, the event is still budgeted at about $20,000.

When it came to requesting gifts, it seemed practical to seek money to help pay for their honeymoon — a weeklong Mediterranean cruise. After all, she said, she and her fiancé have lived together for four years and have accumulated home essentials.

Still Filliat said the couple’s desire for cash gifts for their Oct. 10 nuptials will be spread by word of mouth. She also has registries with four stores to give guests the option of a traditional gift.

At her bridal shower, she said, the cash gifts “far exceeded expectations. People were very generous.”

In some cultures, money is not only an acceptable gift, it’s customary. “I have to warn my fiancé, who is not Greek Orthodox, that my uncles will come up to him and stuff checks in his pockets,” said 27-year-old Lyndsey Forster of Sandy Springs. “We are paying for most of the costs of our wedding and to be able to recoup some of the costs and be able to pay for our wedding without going into debt would be tremendous.”

Caldwell and Parker — who have both married before — say they’ve already done what they could to keep down costs and believe their family and friends are more than understanding about their requests for money.

Caldwell and Parker, who recently started a Web consulting business, are well on their way to their goal of $2,000 cash. And they’ve also secured many of their wedding needs through bartering. They made a deal with a chaplain to marry them for free. In exchange, they will help her set up her nonprofit.

A local florist is providing — for free — orange calla lilies in exchange for the couple designing a customized logo for the floral business.

Caldwell will even have her wedding dress made for free in exchange for business advice.

The wedding is scheduled for Wednesday, Nov. 11.

“Untraditional,” Parker said. “Just like us.”

They will list the names of the “contributors” on a big photo projector at the Loft at Castleberry Hill.

“It will be like our red carpet,” Caldwell said. “A way to showcase all of the people who wanted to support us.”

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Weddings by the numbers

$21,814

Average couples spent on their wedding last year (down 24 percent from 2007)

Source: The Wedding Report, a market research company

40%

Brides who are reducing their wedding budgets

Source: Recent survey of 1,000 brides by The Knot.com, a wedding planning site

60%

Brides who said it’s acceptable to have a cash bar at a wedding reception

80%

Brides who said it’s in bad form to request cash gifts to help pay for the wedding

Source: Brides.com survey of about 2,000 women in January

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Dancing for dollars?

Some couples are reaching back to tradition to raise wedding cash while others are looking online. Here are a few methods:

Dollar Dance

Believed to have originated in Poland in the early 1900s as a way to give a young couple seed money to begin their new life together, the tradition is still practiced in many immigrant communities. Polish-Americans pin dollar bills to either the bride or groom’s attire or they insert it into a satin purse carried by the bride. Italian-Americans use purses and Ukrainians are more likely to use an apron for the stash.

Wishing well

While the roots of this one are unclear, it is believed to be part of an old Italian tradition involving guests tossing cards with good wishes and cash into a wishing well. Today, brides and grooms often attach poems to the well such as this one: “We have enough dishes and towels for two. ... So we have a favor to ask of you. At our reception, drop your gift in the well. Then make a wish, but Shhh ... don’t tell!”

Dollar Web sites

Several Web sites have cropped up in the past few years assisting brides and grooms seeking to ask for cold hard cash or pledges to help cover the wedding reception. Some sites charge the guests $1 or more per transaction.

Source: Anja Winikka, an editor at The Knot.com