THE COSTUMES! The drawbridge! The horses! The knights! In the darkness of a medieval castle, I watch as the story of a battle-worn king, his brother slain and his daughter by his side, unfolds.

My refreshment for the evening, as the king's honored guest, is a four-course meal served while brave knights battle for a new champion. Peeking over my hot bowl of vegetable soup, I'm not sure who has the better mane — the magnificent white-and-gray Andalusian stallion or the guy riding him.

Elissa Eubanks/Staff (ENLARGE)
Rachel Cowart ladles Dragontail soup. The menu also includes chicken, herb potatoes and ribs.
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Did they have hair gel in the Middle Ages? Methinks not.

And, according to Medieval Times, the newly opened dinner and tournament theater in Gwinnett's Discover Mills, no one ate with flatware, either. Actually, most medieval castles provided spoons to their villager guests, and minutes after my soup arrives, I'm wishing I had one. The faux-pewter bowl it's been poured into by a waiter in peasant's garb conducts heat extremely well; I can barely pick it up, much less sip from it. Like a true medieval guest, I end up using my cheesy garlic bread, sprinkled with herbs, as my utensil. Methinks Lord Campbell had a hand in the soup's making.

Ah, but such is the life of a knave like me.

And there is so much to distract while I wait for it to cool. The drama is enacted inside a castle replete with a roaring gas fireplace, medieval weaponry and, of course, a full bar with plastic knight's head cocktail cups (for sale, of course; peasants have to scratch out a living somehow).

By the time the knights, all bearing color-coded coats of arms, get to the joust I have moved from my soup to roasted chicken — a breast, thigh and leg dotted with herbs and surprisingly tender and moist. There is enough for two, maybe three.

My grog for the evening is an extremely mediocre merlot. (It was either that or chardonnay.) Humph. I could have had a beer (at least that's ale-like). Or a vodka tonic. Did they have vodka tonics in the Middle Ages? Methinks surely not.

The stars of this pageant are all four-legged — Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament actually breeds the beautiful Andalusian horses on a 241-acre ranch in Sanger, Texas, just for use in the nine Medieval Times dinner attractions throughout the United States and Canada. The knights are all trained by the company to ride, and each appears at ease on horseback.

Ripping the meat from a slightly gnarly spare rib, I really begin to catch the mood. In a mystifying haze of dramatic lighting, mist (and 20th-century pyrotechnics enhanced by piped-in music), the overly boisterous voice of the king's clairvoyant tells of impending doom. The king's slain brother must be avenged. I can barely eat all my herb-basted potato for the excitement.

Did they have herb-basted potatoes in the Middle Ages? Meknows they did not.

But wait! My knight — the yellow-and-orange — is favored by the king's daughter! And he's so cute!

As he and the others battle in hand-and-broadsword combat, I crunch into the "pastry of the castle," which is a little like the apple turnover at McDonald's only not as good. My knight, alas, has been injured. But he returns in time to aid in the final avenging of the slain prince.

Such murder and intrigue ... The young boy seated next to me screams "Die!" at the top of his lungs as the king leaves his brother's murderer's fate in the hands of the audience.

A rousing cup of coffee later and the lights come up. The king's brother has been avenged. My handsome knight, all better, gets the girl and with her, the keys to the realm. I've been handed a less-than-subtle card suggesting that I tip my server.

Did they have tips in the ... oh, nevermind ... you know the rest.

• THE 411: $47.95 adults, $35.95 children 12 and under (includes dinner and show). Show times vary per day, but generally 7:30 p.m. Wednesdays-Saturdays, 5 p.m. Sundays. Discover Mills Mall, 5900 Sugarloaf Parkway, Lawrenceville. 888-935-6878,

www.medievaltimes.com.