Madonna reportedly has embraced the Methodist religion? Life is a mystery, indeed.

Thee News Biscuit web site  said she found a copy of the Methodist Recorder in her hotel room during a low point in her life, following a divorce and failed adoption.

"Those people had something special that I knew I didn’t have: a sort of gentle serenity, along with an absence of crazed hubris and stratospheric sense of entitlement," she is quoted saying. "By the time we tucked into the lasagne, I knew I had found my spiritual home."

Somewhat inconveniently News Biscuit is a satirical site. But hey, just in case Mo is considering signing up allow me to offer a few tips for fitting in.

1.We like to sing! The Methodist faith was founded by John Wesley and his brother Charles Wesley, who could flat-out write some hymns. Perhaps you've heard of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing?" That was one of C-Dub's better known ditties. If you open a Methodist hymnal you'll find John Wesley's "Directions for Singing" in the first few pages. 

"Sing lustily and with good courage," J-Dub tells us. (Note, his definition of "lustily" may differ from one you've been familiar with.) "Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength." Let your body move to the music, in other words. In a G-rated way.

2. The Pyrex dish is a holy vessel to our people. It sounds like you were drawn into the fold by a potluck dinner. There is no finer way to meet your new Methodist brethren. 

3.  We are an intellecutal and faithful people. If you really want to rock some Methodist doctrine may I suggest spending some time with the Wesleyan Quadrilateral? It explains our founding father's method (get it, method?) of arriving at theological conclusions: Scripture, the first authority; along with Tradition, Reason and Experience make up the Quadrilateral. I'd suggest joining a Sunday School class or Bible study where you can learn more and Express Yourself.

4. We do shots of Welch's at communion. Jesus drank wine but we don't. Why? Beats me. But during communion someone will hand you a little plastic cup of grape juice. 

5. We like the back row. Unlike at your concerts, where people strive to be as close as possible to the stage, Methodists tend to be back benchers. Unless the children's choir is performing. On those Sundays, proud moms and dads will sit up front to record the moment on their cell phone cameras. You're probably used to that sort of thing, though.

Welcome!